Black Women's Interracial Relationship Circle

There is Black Woman Empowerment and there is Black Community Empowerment

2012-01-25T00:52:00.005Z

There is Black Woman Empowerment (BWE) and Black Community Empowerment (BCE).

'For clarification: this blog post is not a judgement on anyone. I feel however as a pioneer BWE blogger, it is my responsibility to hold a steady course on certain issues, while others can enjoy a degree of latitude. If those of us who were in from the beginning do not hold to a 'true north', BWE will mean anything and nothing!'

The whole furore over Red Tails has actually clarified that many of you who assume you are BWE are actually more Black Community Empowerment. Your loyalties are more to BCE than it ever is to BWE. Thus whenever BWE and BCE come into conflict (as they do and will increasingly do as I will explain below) like every true BCE loyalist, your response is to quickly throw bw and her concerns under the bus in favour of BCE.

Yes indeed as evidence, listen to the 'reasons' given by black women who decided they would see Redtails despite the movie erasing bw (something that should be critical for any self-respecting black woman not to even talk about a black woman who claims to be all about the empowerment and uplift of black women):

Its about the black community and a film showing us in good light (but the film Redtails did not show 'black people' in good light, it only showed black men in good light, dont ever get it wrong, this is a key point which these comentors deliberately sidestepped in good ol' bw sacrificing style)
I will watch it to honor my grandfather Tam Tam, its the only way
We should support a 'black' film so the next time we will get a chance to see a black film and maybe a black woman appearing for 2.5 seconds (Hey it's all about incremental steps innit).
There is nothing wrong with interracial dating (deliberate misconstruing of the legitimate issue raised by bw of being erased from a film)
Its a film about Tuskegee Airmen what has that to do with black women and of course they were in Italy so it was wholly impossible for bw to be present (I was suprised that so called BWE supporters were using this enemy obsfucation tactic)
It would have been so hard to include a black woman somewhere in the film, it would have been as hard as splitting the atom!

No where in the above are the direct interests of black women identified. In addition, in good ol' 'non reciprocity for black women' style, they black women are suppose to make sure they be there for the movie so that it doesnt fail. Indeed, note that bearly anybody is actually requiring black men to support the film so it doesnt fail, yet this film is all about the glory of black men! But as is the ususal BC style, bw get to work while the results accrue to black men.

It is important to look at what people do, not what they say. Despite all the protestations of being in support of BWE and all the stuff, when it came down to it they couldnt hold firm in prioritizing black women's interest in something small as forgoing a film (which they can catch on netfliks or DVD later). How do you think these women will then prioritize black women in more serious even life or death issues? They clearly indicated where their interest lay. In truth anyone can say they are for BWE, it is actually what happens when push comes to shove that really clarifies things.

What, do you mean that a bw cannot be for BWE and BCE? I hear someone ask. I also hear, 'Does BWE have to be in conflct with BCE?

Well those are the million dollar questions arent they, but I will answer that by quoting Aimee who succintly summed up what we are faced with when she wrote:

It is absolutely crucial for black women who want the healthy, happy lives that they deserve to recognize that the very foundation of the currently formulated black community is constructed around the devaluation of black women and children. It is no more and no less. Loyalty to this community requires disloyalty to your own well-being and your very survival as black women - Aimee (pioneer BWE writer)

Aimee is clearly a prophet because she fortold that a couple of years after she wrote that that there would come a time when bw would be required to extinguish themselves and sign up to their own erasure to serve black community.

Yep seeing Redtails became a community serving effort even as the film, the writers and the actors couldnt have done more to stick a finger up at black women! Just as Aimee highlighted, serving community and supporting Tuskegee men and all that, required erasing black women and as befitting their true allegiance folk duely complied as good BCE loyalists.

For many black women, BWE is a subset of BCE

This diagram above represents how the average black woman sees black women's uplift and anything to do with black women getting theirs; she sees it as part and parcel of the overall agenda to advance black people.

What Aimee and many other piooneer BWE realized is that BWE is not a subset of BCE. BWE is actually a stand alone and a stand apart project from all BCE efforts as the diagram below shows

BWE is Distinct from BCE

The reason BWE has to stand apart from BCE is for the simple reason (and as Aimee highlighted) that BCE now increasingly demands the subjection of black women into the bargain of community uplift. It is no longer about black women doing their bit, even doing more than everyone else, now they must swallow the contempt and disdain in addition. Its not about working on hands and knees anymore, that will no longer do, its about enduring the devaluation, the mockery, about providing entertainment and sport while lugging the load of the BC alone!

Many black women think they can secure black women's empowerment under the umbrella of BCE but as long as BCE requires bw to sacrifice themselves, diminish themselves, lower themselves and their standards, not thnk of themselves, sign up to their own erasure etc etc (as was clearly the case with Redtails), then anyone thinking BWE can be achieved as a subset of BCE is really not thinking clearly. Black women occupy a devalued status in-group even more than what they experience outside the group, the argument for fair treatment, consideration doesnt even make sense under a devalued in-group status. Thats why people look at you funny when you ask for respect and roll their eyes and continue to push forward a bw disrespecting agenda, because thats what makes sense for a devalued human being!

Whats more, many bw who are part BWE but more BCE are developing cognitive dissonance because they realize and understand the arguments raised about BWE but still want to serve the BCE agenda so in order to ameliorate their discomfort they do so many mental gymnastics and come up with such reasons as "Well there where no black women in Italy thats why no black woman was in movie Redtails." I honestly dont know if they really believe what they are saying but some have convinced thenmselves of the validity of their answers especially after repeating convenient general excuses like 'It dosnt really matter, its no big deal'.

Though however the black women I am more wary of are those who get all defensive and crowbar their fellow black women with the accusation of being 'jealous of a white woman'. Thats enemy tactics and any BWE spouting enemy phrases should be kept at a distance.

You know what is funny, this in-group devalued status of black women and why it makes for what we are seeing now was the missing puzzle that caused me to rewrite the upcomg e-book 'First Steps to Personal Empowerment' a few times before I felt it was ready.

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The Kindle books are a little behind schedule but still within January. I shall make them available for PDF downloads as well as some have requested!

New e-Books Available on Amazon Kindle January 2012

Wondering about Interracial dating?

You will find answers in this e-book which gives a clear insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her interracial dating option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Drink your Red cockTail Now!

2012-01-22T15:11:00.003Z

Drink it!

F&*5% drink this Red cocktail now! Its good for you!

Here's the thing right...

2012-01-16T12:01:00.001Z

I am trying to focus this blog and my work a bit more so I can be of benefit to my readers. I am thinking that the age group I appeal to, are black women over thirty and white men over 35.

I suppose mentally mature and firing to get going with getting the best from life and love, is who I am reaching loud and clear, however I then come across black women who are even beyond thirty and dont seem to quite get the fact that they are finite beings and there is time to just leave every other concern and preoccupation and agenda (of which there seems no end) and ive 100% focus to yourself; worry about you, worry about your life, your progress, your man, your reproducing.

The saddest thing is that the older you get can also mean the harder it is to teach. Certain ways of being and thinking can become 'ingrained'. At a certain age you might think, 'I've tried that and failed, why try it again?' There is something about a 'formed identity' at that point that doesnt let you easily manouver, change, turn around or aside from certain attitudes.

With BWE I know that those who will make something out of it just in time are those who have just crossed the thirty threshold now. Anyone above 35 who had just come across the idea of black women living for themselves aka BWE will have to work tripple time to secure something for themselves. This is because 35 and over are still the pioneers of this new black woman activism front; working on a hard land that has not been broken up yet, combating stereotypes that have not been softened and also battling their own self esteem issues and complexes, fears about ticking clocks, self recriminations, self pity etc etc etc.

By the time the younger ones come throught, a lot of work would have been done to change attitudes about who a black woman is and what her social range is, change will be in the air, the pioneers would have changed attitudes or at least introduced doubt, dissonance, hestitation in the minds of whites, other blacks and other minorities who wont be as quick to label or slot black women into a particular role, or archtype because they have come across a couple of black women (the pioneers), who didnt fit the bill in the past. The word would be out in other words that black women can and are living for themselves and there will be a better understanding of the silent mistreatment and the particular brand of discrimination she has been experincing (all covered up now), from bothe ww and bm.

If you are a 35 year old and above black woman who hasnt secured her milestones around marriage, children, finances, a house and career etc, I expect that you will be working at a greatly increased pace, making use of every shortcut and catchup strategy available to you. If you are working at the pace of a 25 year old or 30 year old than I am worried for you!

This is not to scare anyone but just to get many black women who have a tendency to match their 'energy' with that of other black people around them and their black girlfreinds and acquintances etc, without taking into consideration their own milestone achievements, to get these black women, to 'see the light' and realize they cannot be doing 20 miles per hour at their age and level of achievement.

To be contd

PS

The Kindle books are a little behind schedule but still within January. I shall make them available for PDF downloads as well as some have requested!

New e-Books Available on Amazon Kindle January 2012

Wondering about Interracial dating?

You will find answers in this e-book which gives a clear insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her interracial dating option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

White Men are Trapped in Stereotypes too!

2012-01-04T23:07:00.004Z

David Thewlis and Michelle Yeoh

I went to watch 'the Lady' two weeks ago, the movie about Aung San Suu Kyi the Noble prize winning Burmese opposition politician who has been fighting for democracy for her people who are under military rule and has lived under house arrest for 15 years (recently released).

The Movie features David Thewlis and Michelle Yeoh and I proclaim that I just loveeeee the movie. It was just so tender at moments I found myself tearing up. Just to see the sacrifices made by Michael Aris for his wife Aung San Suu Kyi, my lawd it was so touching and also unbelievably sad (Micheal was a single father bringing up their children in Oxford England while Aung was under house arrest, he later died of cancer denied his desperate last wish to see his wife one last time).

I am so glad to see a movie that challenges the idea of white men as Asian female fetishist and whatever other term folks invoke to tarnish white men and their asian partners.

Micheal Aris married Ms Suu Kyi on New Year's Day 1972 in a simply Buddhist ceremony in England, but it was always on the understanding that they would have to be apart if the Burmese people needed her- BBC

It was amazing to me that David Thewlis who played Michael in the movie confessed that he didnt know that Aung was married to a British man with two officially British children because you see thats the kind of thing that gets 'hidden' so that the narrative of the evil lecherous asian female fetishist goes unchallenged.

I also adore Luc Beeson who produced the movie and will continue to support his efforts because I get him. Luc has been on a mission to bring these stories of fascinating, beautiful and even kick ass minority women who are so often obscured to our attention-- Columbiana being one of his recent offerings. The other day black women were moaning about, 'why dont white men do blogs saying date black women'? Lol how so very myopic and boring. I would rather have powerful white man do it like Luc Beeson and put their resources towards reshaping the popular image of black women as with Columbiana. It helps that he has a black French wife who also worked on the film 'The Lady' in an important and high profile role.

I repeat, that I am happy that this idea of the white male with his lecherous eye on minority women is being challenged because black women can burst free from a sordid category that they then get trapped in by such rendering, indeed by definition black and other minority women can then only occupy the place of victim, pawn, collaborator in a white man's sick fantasy never as his love and lover. Mainstream has been happy to keep us locked in this category because they are always mindful of pandering to the white female contingent, indeed let a white woman write a book about boinking a whole team of minority men and she gets to feature on a mainstream media program, feminists salute her as an empowered and sexually liberated woman and dare us to 'slut shame', however a black woman writing the same and no one would touch it, because it would then be 'Oh what a sad misguided woman being used by white men who fetishises black skin,' she would be a 'self hater,' a right wing tool...etc etc

Yep it is a rendering of the situation where only white men can occupy the fetishist role and thus minority women can only be pawns and victims. One thing which black women have often been slow to understand is that by piling white men with negative terms and by trapping white men in an unsavoury category they too quite easily trap themselves in an unsavory role/category too.

'She could do better'

Ayaan has a baby boy

'Thomas Hirsi Ferguson'

The other day I happened upon a conversation online where a white female participant said that she was 'amazed' at Ayaan Hirsi Ali's choice of partner. She then went on to say that she could do better than Niall. I laughed. Some white women probably think black women are easy to fool (or maybe they actually believe the stuff that comes out from their mouths, which is a scary prospect) or maybe they think they can 'tarnish' a black woman's choice or put her off by these tricks. It aint working and I want black women to take note and get savvy, folks will say things to make you overlook fine men and stay waiting for some mythical creature who is supposedly better for you and as soon as their reverse psychology -or whatever this one can be termed-works, you wont have walked 2 yards before they or their sisters are dating these men.

Be wise!

New e-Books Available on Amazon Kindle January 2012

Wondering about Interracial dating?

You will find answers in this e-book which gives a clear insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her interracial dating option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

And Finally and e-book for white male readers!

2011-12-30T12:00:00.003Z

Happy New Year to all Supporters of this Blog!

May 2012 bring you all your hearts desires

and presenting:

New e-Book Available on Amazon Kindle January 2012

Yes its here finally here, and I am excited that finally after all these years of working on it, I am able to offer my white male readers an e-book written especially with white men in mind! I have give it a comedic title because that is me and I also want to give a lighthearted feel to an issue that often tends to be 'heavy'.

Synopsis

"Do Black Women with Afros date White Guys?"

About the Book

Are you a white man who is beginning to think about what it could mean to date a black woman?
Or, have you had a puzzling experience with a black woman or two and would like some idea of their views on white guys? Do you want to get clued up in general about their feelings on race, on relationships and even on interracting interracially? Could you do with a bit more understanding of black women by exploring key social realities for them as a group and the social expectations placed upon them by their communities and by the wider society?

If the answer to any of these is yes, then this book will get you off to a good start!

The aim of this book is to lay a knowledge foundation that will assist genuine white men in a better understanding of the black women they interact with socially, and the many reactions they might encounter, so they can forge succesful relationships and friendships with black women.

Written in an easy question and answer format, the book is also interspaced with full chapters dealing with issues like; why black women and white men appear disinterested in each other, how to get connected, the background on the current fraught relationship situation between black men and women, how third parties affect interracial dating, racism and working through your own issues around race.

About the author

Halima Anderson started a mini revolution with her 2005 book, "Supposing I wanted to date a white guy…?", and has taken her place among the pioneers of the movement to encourage black women into optimum lifestyles through a newer form of activism called Black Women Empowerment (BWE). This book comes out of over a decade of writing and commenting on interracial dating, on race and on black women’s issues.

After many years of receiving comments, questions and letters from her white male readers, she decided that it was time to give them their own book and if you like, the white man’s companion book to "Supposing I wanted to date a White Guy…?" (which was written from the perspective of black women).

The result is, "Do Black Women with Afros date White Guys?" which answers questions compiled from correspondence and from the many discussions with her white male readers since the publication of her first book in 2005.

"Do Black Women with Afros date White Guys?" will definitely fill in the gaps and answer the questions which her white male readers had after her first book, but it also deals with the fundamental questions any white man would be inetersted in knowing about black women and interracial dating.

Wondering about Interracial dating?

You will find answers in this e-book which gives a clear insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her interracial dating option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

New e-Book Available on Amazon Kindle Early January 2012- Happy Christmas and New Year

2011-12-24T00:36:00.004Z

New E-book Coming Jan 2012 to kindle

Happy Christmas and a very fulfilling 2012!

And to announce that my new e-book which is focssing on black woman walking the empowerment walk (no messing about for 2012), is out in January 2012 (look out for further details soon).

Short Synopsis

First Steps to Personal Empowernment
A BWE approach for the Black Woman
Why does the black woman get so little in return for toiling so hard on behalf of others and indeed on behalf of her race?

The short answer is that toiling as a race-handmaiden despite the best of intentions, is a flawed idea that wont bear fruit both for black women and the community they so desperately want to save through this life approach. In this book Halima Anderson explains why race-handmaiden living is a flawed and non-yielding model even though selfless giving to the point of self-abnegation is widely held to be the what authentic black womanhood is about.

'First Steps to Personal Empowerment' looks at how black women get turned into 'race handmaidens' and explores why it has and will not achieve the goals desired for the black group. This book will challenge black women to recognize race-handmaiden living for what it is, and thus leave behind the notion of handmaiden living, moving instead towards a mindset which prioritizes optimal living through self-benefitting behavior. It will detail the steps that black woman need to take to free themselves to live a life oriented towards personal fulfillment.

Halima's has an indepth knowledge of the subject of black women empowernment gathered from over a decade of working as a writer, social commentator and radio personality.

Again I wish all readers and BWE enthusiasts a 'Happy Christmas and a very fulfilling 2012!'

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an e-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Meanwhile...

2011-12-17T00:00:00.001Z

'you racist!'.....'stop blaming me!'....'women first'......'what about me?'

'Well folks, I think we've worked ourselves out a pretty good deal, dont you think?'

'splendid solution'.....'looks good to me'

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an e-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Early December - some thoughts

2011-12-09T11:45:00.007Z

Black unity proponents would want us to believe

this is how black men and women are positioned towards each other

This is really how bm and bw are positioned

re each other; black women in supplicatory posture begging

for black men to be with them and help them build black unity

They (black unity proponents) will need to explain how building a thriving black group can be possible given this situation. When black unity proponents (people who preach about blacks coming together) try to recruit you or get you sympathetic tothe idea of black people coming together, try not to enagage with their idea 'emotionally' try instead to pin it down realistically by looking at what the situation/conditions are now and how these either make the goal possible or impossible.

Many folk run around talking black unity, fixing black people etc without enagaing with the idea on a relaitic level, its a fun idea an emotionally warm idea to them and so it remains, just an illusion!

A recent study on the UK Riots
A few days ago I caught the late news show on the BBC discussing a study on the recent riots that happened in the UK. The guardian newspaper had done a study and the interpretations of the study were that it was all about people feeling discrimnated against (well a good portion of them anyway), by police who got a dishonorable mention. The counter argument which I think is pretty solid is that of course they would be unhappy with police given that 2/3rds had criminal records anyway!

Anyway the main thing that caught my attention was the little clip they showed of the 'peaceful' demonstration that acted as the spark for the riots. The clip showed as we can all guess by now, a lot of irate black women chanting, 'what do we want...', 'when do we want it...'

It is not I suppose any suprise to readers of this and other black women empowernment blogs that black women are always in the forfront of all these 'defend bm' activities (the young black man who was shot and whose death triggered the whole riots was actually mixed race but I am not sure which parent is white) despite that fact that they are disproportionately victims of black men and no black man would ever put together a protest on their behalf.

Anyway to me the main thing that stood out was that these women were demonstrating essentially because the police had done the shooting. I say this because there is a high homicide rate in that area. Black boys kill each other at a alarming rate yet apart from the yearly peace walk, I dont see black women taking to the streets. The other thing is that the most recent police shootings have actually been of white men, yet we havent yet seen whites mobilize and put on a 'protest' of some sort. It seems that black women and the men in the protest march are saying that black young men are not to be shot by police under any circumstances (indeed they can kill each other but police should not!). This is very concerning because under certain circumstances, the police are allowed to use lethal force. For instance if I walked into a supermarket waving a gun and if I refuse to be talked out of my actions that I can expect that the police will look to use lethal force at some point, thus it isnt really valid to demonstrate against a police shooting, that is unless it has been investigated and found that the person was unlawfully killed. By the time there was a protest march no invetsigation had been done around the circumstances for the shooting! Instead of waiting to find out how and why Mark Duggen was shot, folk took to the street in a 'peaceful protest'. Peaceful protest of what I ask?

The truth is sections of the society are allowed to have juvenile responses and the failed black leadership show they are failed by refusing to challenge this behaviour. Instead they have joined in a wrong headed activity that has lead to the losse of lives, home and property and smeered the image of the UK.

What I overheard in the Library
It seems to me that racism has come to be popularly defined as not letting black men get their way!

I was at my local library the other day and overheard two Asian school girls talking vigorously about how racist some parents were for not wanting their daughter to marry or date a black guy. Now I dont know the details, it could even be that the parents were worried because of traits they had seen in the boy and not necessarily because of the color (it happens but this worry about the person is always conflated with parents being racist because of color). The way these young girls were going on like these parents are just the scum of the earth and 'ewwwww', you could have thought it had something to do with them personally. They seemed pretty cut up about it all!

It took me back to a time when on a bus I heard three black girls make a comment along the same lines ie that someone was racist for not letting a black guy date them or something of that nature, and you know what the amazing thing was here, this comment didnt come out of the blues, it was prompted when an interracial couple made up of a black school girl and a white school boy passed by our stationary bus. This sight was so uncommon in those days and still is now, that it spurred a discussion, but rather than this discussion being about black grils themselves eg how black girls are not dating white boys or racism affecting black girls, these girls immediately started the discussion from the point of black boys naturally and automatically as if it just wasnt something about them and their issue too!

I remember feeling worried that at that age black girls had learned to write themselves out of the picture so swiftly. This was a clear instance for them to put themselves in the frame but they brushed it aside and centered black boys and their problems in dating white girls (which cant be that much give the levels of interracial dating between black boys and white girls then and now).

Black boys have carried out a real effective PR campaign for some years now that they are the victims especially when people dont let them have their way.

I am sure those Asian girls have come across black boys who say they dont date black girls and trash black girls in their presence (because it is a comon affair now), yet somehow in peoples minds this does not register as racism, i dont hear the wider society, white girls even Asian girls critique this comom attitude in black boys, instead the same black boys are 'victims' when others shun them. Indeed I am yet to hear one outside voice comment on this foul behaviour (except a few white men in private forums) insetad the black boys are always victims of others even as chief victimizers themselves.

Very curious very curious!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an e-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Mid November: Some more thoughts

2011-11-14T23:51:00.004Z

I had spare moments within all the mayhem that is now my life last week and so I listened to some videos with RR Banks talking about his book, 'Is marriage for white people'. If you have a chance do listen to the four videos that are in this series (there is introductory part before this segment below )

What I gathered from the video about black women

A section of bw are having a hard time dealing with the truth
A good portion of black women in academia are painfully out of touch with the reality of black women on the ground, many are still touting the idea that a black male partner allows a black woman to be free and be herself and a black man is supportive of what a black woman goes through in society. Ha! It is very sad that RR Banks is having to clue black women about the real deal that they have missed-being stuck in their ivory towers and all-including the fact that black men are more likely to enforce oppressive codes of blackness (around hair and skin tone) on black women than white men.
Some black women would rather suggest that black women contort themselves in demeaning ways and take on all sorts of unwholesome ideologies like polygamy just so they can continue with the dating within the race paradigm
Black females in academia (espcially the variety that are in womens studies), are more interested in upholding the sacred analysis and readings of the situation (imposed by white feminsist theorists no doubt). They cling to their endorsed frameworks rather than look at devising new frameworks that serve the needs of black women. In addition a good many are just all about showing how sophisticated and clever they are when desperate issues are on the table
The idea that black women are simply a support system for black men/the race is so strong within the imagination of black people that many cannot break out of this 'framing' to imagine black women as people in their own right not race props, but people with their own needs and desires that they need to take care off. Many in fact get so outraged at any suggestion that black women not 'perform' their 'support' role for BC and black men. It appears that to refuse to be a race prop amounts to bw denying others their righful access and entitlement to black women's time money indeed their very self! Whoever said slavery has ended might need to recheck that fact, at least in the case of bw. This is what I meant when I said that black women exist as 'creatures of the black community' forced to trace their very existence within its confines, that they become 'invalids' if they try to detach from this role. It is very sad that even a book as liberatory as 'Is marriage for white people', we still end up talking about how black women serve their race by their actions or non actions (and none of the 'academic' people even raised the issue of how problematic this general tendency to always talk about bw's options in terms of how this adds or takes away from her race!).

Minority men using mnority women to win their battels and then 'Its the rubbish heap for you my dear!'
Today I was reminded again of how minority men moaning about 'le white men', are quick to exclude 'their' women as soon as a little space is granted them. Often they drag their women folk in and use them as battering rams or shields against white men, and as soon as they have used these women's bodies and stories to get a foot in the door, they toss these women away and become all 'diverse' and all liberated in their romantic choices! If minority women are too silly to see this 'game' being played again and again to let these men fight their own battles, then more fool them..................

Come together over racism
Many black women however want to connect with black men over the issue of racism, over 'what white men have and are doing.' I think the reason is because black women have seen that it appears to be the only thing that gets a response/interest from black men i.e. talking about how white men are holding them down etc etc. This situtation right here means black women will continue to want to ruminate about racism and race and get upset and mobilised over and carrying on about race because it represents the only way they can elicit some reaction (bond) with black men. This is one reason why black women will find it hard to put away their festering resentment against white men in particular, I think on some level they know it is probably the only thing that they can connect with black men over.

Speaking of black men and racism, I caught a glimpse of a young black man loudly talking about, 'The man' and 'They dont want us to progress etc etc', to another black man stall owner at a fruit market the other day. I dont know what made me smile more; the big, bold talk about whites and their racism or the white woman by his side with their mixed race baby in the buggy!

Imran Khan (google him)

The ability of men to combine almost extreme nationalistic politics and yet a love of women or a woman not of their 'nation', is a hypocritical attribute that most women dont seem to have, indeed nothing says it is a man's world more than the fact that men dont feel a need to explain or defend themselves when their politics is diametrically opposed to their romantic attractions. I watch my African male get all tribal and almost forment trouble with another tribe, all the while with a woman from this very same tribe at their side. I asked a freind the other day how his wife feels when he goes on about breaking away and forming their own 'nation' when his wife is from the tribe he wants to 'depart' from. His response was, 'She has come to see it my way!' Arrogant to boot.

Women will give up a good man because he doesnt 'rhymn' with what their politics says. I suggest that black women seriously prospect this curious attribute that men have. Dont say 'he wont date black women' because he is conservative/rightwing etc. Apart from the fact that labels no longer describe accurately how people stand on a variety of issues and their values (the left for instance has taken to labelling people who challenge the model of 'big government' and endless government programs as rightwing even neocons when they could simply be challeneging a canard of the left which has failed to deliver in many areas), right and left leaning couples can have a blast of a relationship, the trick is to be convinced of your position and why you hold it (a strong conviction), and not take your partner differing on an issue, personally and as a slight against you!

Anyway a vacation calls, my next entry will be in December ciao!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an e-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Time to detach black women who are stuck

2011-11-07T01:36:00.000Z

Many of your black female peers and even those you look up to as bw going somewhere or doing something with their lives are stuck.

They will not be able to get over this particular hurdle of opening up to a broader pool of men. Many are caught between the new and old worlds, having been instilled with the idea of being with a man from the black race only, and now understanding on an intellectual level that that policy has failed them, but still being unable to detangle themselves from the strong and long term emotional attachments and the values built up over the years around this failed protocol. One woman said to me a while back, that 'if we date out then we dont believe in ourselves'. Someone tied her to perpetual bondage to black men by convincing her that any such decision to date others would be made out of a rejecting black people. They locked her in to this fear of doing it from such a detestable reason when she could date out for a wide variety of reasons.

Folks have attached all sorts of readings to black women doing specific things and these interpretations controls black women. One of the strongest controlling ideas for black women is the notion that they are not self loving, once you attach the hint of lack of black self love to any enterprize, you can easily manipulate the bulk of black women out of it.

So you can get black women to restrict themselves to socailizing with only other black folks by telling them if they feel even a slight desire to mingle with others, its because they hate their people or are being brainwahsed to 'fear' their own, and so they hang around even with obviously toxic black folk, forgoing the world of opportunity out there to attend only HBCU etc etc. Just by raising the accusation that they are making choices out of a deep seated, ‘lack of black self love’ you can get them to turn away from any beneficial course of action.

Some of you should say, ‘so be it, I still want to have this experience regardless.’ You will be surprised to find that 1) You will not be struck by lightening 2) You will discover and clarify the real reason why you made the choices.

It is amazing that black women are the ones almost obsessed about proving loyalty to race at every turn, even when they are doing more than anyone else for this loyalty! Indeed one would wonder why bm don’t feel at similar pains to ‘prove’ how faithful they are to their race given what they get up to on the romantic front!

Some bw are looking for others to walk them through life. Life is to be lived for yourself, you have to go through it, therefore stop looking for hand railings and constant hand holding.

This is an individual battle now for each black woman, especially the younger ones, I cant emphasis this enough. Recognize that they your older sisters are stuck and you must get away from them to preserve your life and move forward. They may look good and together but in this specific issue of black women getting the relationships they want, you will see that they will be unable to either face the facts, or courageously -given all the evidence -chart a different course to the one they are on and advice others to do so too. They are often stuck in the wrong priorities eg locked into ‘defending the race’, mode instead of grappling with the real and pressing need for bw to update their game plan to move forward.

Don’t look round you to gauge what others are doing or measure your tracks against sister A or B. This is one of those things that you are going to have to go into your room and secretly plot your way forward. Think about what you want out of life, think clearly about the routes that will get you there and just pursue these with flint focus.

Many bw also live within ideological enclaves. They are in a place where the only broadcasts and wisdom and thinking that accesses them is unchallenged black thought. From morning till night they are being recharged and topped up in only these unscrutinized ideas.

Bound within the flow of only black perspectives

Black women who stand bang in the middle of black though systems will never get the healthy critical separation they need to be able to scrutinize dominant black perspectives, especially if they are also held bound by manufactured notions like ‘a black woman should agree with whatever the black position is on any issue (the position as articulated in black commentary).'

Most black women actually fully ’trust’ the declared black position on things instead of regarding it as possibly being wrong and counterproductive which would introduce some healthy suspicion!

Think about it like this:

If a young child is told by its parent to touch a hot surface, chances are high that that child will do just that. Why? Well one reason is the ‘trust’ that that child places in the parent. They think the parent will and is always looking out for their good and would never lead them wrong!

With a greater understanding of the world, a child will realize the dangers of hot objects which will raise a dissonance with the idea that the parent never wants to hurt them in anything they ask of them, such a dissonance would be a life saver.

Also with greater contact with the outside world, the child can and begins to have a healthy intellectual and questioning distance from everything the parent says (from having access to other view points). The emergence of a strong personal identity (i.e. I am a ‘separate being’ from you and I have clearly defined interests many of which are different from yours), puts them in the right frame of mind for defending this seperate being (them) and any interests.

However the majority of black women fully embrace and trust the black consensus view and what is worse, are tied in to an even tighter embrace by this manufactured belief that a good black woman always backs up other blacks (backing up other blacks being defined as approving of any and every black persons actions when they are asked to account).

Wrapped up in all of this however is the underlying question, will bw be fair to themselves? It is shocking isn’t it, that when you look at it, the bw near you still making excuses as to why bw should continue to pin their hopes to bm or focus energy in ‘policy’ issues to help bm rise up, is essentially being unkind to herself! She cannot find it in herself to be kind hearted enough to loosen herself and fellow bw from something she clearly sees is failing them. She would rather defend it at the expense of her life and well-being and that of other black woman. Ultimately black women are nothing but a means to an end.

If as a younger black woman you feel it is time to be ‘fair’ to you, then take yourself away from the ‘commune’ of women who clearly feel that bw should happily stay put and take all their knocks, who are desperate to live under the black unity umbrella more than they would want to save their lives!
Wondering about Interracial dating?

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Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

November 1st - Some thoughts for the week

2011-11-01T11:24:00.002Z

The Foggles

Self-mapping
In this day and age when youth is worshipped, what benefits are there to having a few more years on the clock?

I will tell you two, and the first is that by being older you would have developed an understanding of yourself and how your mental and physical and indeed emotional systems work to be able to have the necessary control you need to take life forward.

The next benefit is that you would have hopefully developed your own self-composing and self-assuring and indeed self-soothing and calming routines. In other words you have your emotions and reactions in check and tucked in!

I will illustrate by saying that you will understand better how you learn, how best to study (coffee at 45 mins interval), how a hat tilted to the left is more flattering, how a white house interior is draining of your creative energies, how not reading anything the day before your exam is better for your performance, that you are likely to come down with a cold if your feet get cold etc etc. All these understanding of how you perform, your emotional interior comes with time and trial and error over the years. This is your edge.

How detailed is your self-map?

Black men and women cannot be 'saved' together. This is because black women putting any effort into uplifting black men is simply making black men better able to crush down black women. Its like feeding your tormentor!

Too proud to ask for directions
I have noticed that there is a push back to 'Is marriage for white people', coming from a faction of black women who feel that no one should be focussing on us or and intsructing black women on what to do re relationships, and that we should be left alone. I can agree that yes it does get tiresome to be in focus (although I dont think that bw have been focussed on more in this regard considering that we had 'Sex and the City', on for over ten years, focussing on the issues of unmarried white women, and also by virtue of the fact that our own situation is extreme there is naturally going to be some focus attention!), however this position suggests that black women have it all together, but that is far from the truth.

Black women are not getting it right, if they were then the astronomical number of singleness would not be there for all to see. I am uncomfortable with the 'dont focus on us' position because it traps black women in their problem, it is saying to black women 'just keep doing what you are doing'. Yet black women are NOT doing well so yes they do need some instructions and things pointed out.

Because black women havent made the grade and they live in a strongly mind guarded place, thousands of us wouldnt mind some advice, guidance, direction or plain laying things out in the open for us to see and make a clear choice for our futures.

I will also add that, there is a time for wearing sack cloth, we might as well get it over with so we can move on?

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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Thoughts for the Week

2011-10-24T13:26:00.003+01:00

Who is or who isn’t a BWE writer/activist?

I can tell you categorically who isn’t!

If a black woman makes it black women’s obligation to rescue the race or uplift or save the race, that black woman is NOT part of BWE thinking. Don’t get it twisted please. Refer to this blog post for more on the 6 key markers of BWE writing.

Battle of the mind

Watch out for those who want to defeat you mentally, or who sow seeds unknowingly or deliberately that defeat bw in the mind so that they take themselves out of the game of striving for betterment. Evia reminds us that life is a battle of the mind. Some of us think we can consume media and be around certain ideas and attitudes day and day out and be unaffected. Most of us don’t realize that some of these ideas attack our self confidence, we only know there is damage when we find we have high levels of anxiety when we are called upon to do certain things etc. And in a world like ours where a high level of confidence is increasingly required and required to be turned on at the drop of a hat, some of us are seriously undercutting our abilities by ingesting negativity, doubt and being around self undermining chatter. And self undermining chatter doesnt have to be obviously negative of self-debasing, it can be an attitude or behavior that locks in self defeating patterns.

Ever since the issue of bw loving beyond race got given another high profile boost with Richard Banks book, I have been noting how some bw would rather talk about how ‘no one wants them’, and how undesirable they are (in the comment section of mainstream publications) as if they can actually by saying this attemtping to reinforce the idea of bw undesirability that might be 'dissipating' because of these kinds of media highlighting. I have read a fair few comment sections, even commentaries on this whole issue of bw dating out and most often it isn’t even others telling bw they are undesired, it is bw themselves introducing that bit of information.

I know that there are some bw who cant believe any good about themselves because they have been fatally damaged in this regard but I also know that many of these commentors have seen and even experienced white men being attracted to them or their freinds or family members (because these examples are all around us especially given that about 1in every 6 bw who is married is married to a non-black man) and thus to continue to offer the notion of bw undesirability seems quite deliberately about thwarting ‘attempts’ to get bw to break bw free from the notion that they can and should only aspire to be with bm!

They subtly execute this plan to close bw off within the walls of Black community, reminding others of how bw are unattractive, just in case they have forgotten why they need to keep away from bw or why bw should view the whole debate to expand their horizons as invalid. It is indeed amazing how bw would do anything to prevent the ‘loosening’ of bw from the black pact. I am convinced that whether these women are aware, they are doing this or not, they are colluding with the agenda of keeping bw from freeing themselves from race conscription (a lot of bw mindlessly drive forward their own oppression).
A lot of bw have become poisonous to bw generally and sane black women need to get away from their company least they begin to mimic the patterns of behaviour and attitudes that continues the self -segregation of bw.

It is clear that self-spite is becoming a common response among black women.

Pretty Much on your own

We all go through life pretty much on our own. In other words no one takes us by the hand and walks us through life, instead we have people who might come alongside us from time to time but ultimately it is down to us to live our lives. Thus I am worried when bw don’t want to put one foot in front of another or take risks but need detailed guidance on how to go about living the suggestions made by BWE etc. Stop asking for step by step guidance. See yourself as an adult who is has to get into the rough and tumble of life. Life is about risk taking about something to show for being on this planet for 80 years and yes some of what you will have to show will be scars and mistakes mixed in with the victories won because you made an attempt.

Continue to side-step

Here are other things you have to side step as black women (continuing on our theme of the last blog post).

Side step the matrydom life expected of bw
Side step the fact that media doesnt favour and is even hostile to bw by creating your own impression
Side step the injunction to be with only black men and if not then alone
Side step the push to make you responsbile for black men and for black community

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book e-Book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Become side-steppers par excellence

2011-10-18T00:14:00.001+01:00

Oh dear, just as soon as I thought I would have a spare moment to begin work on the Facebook page I find myself thrown into a personal time sapping project. For those who have signed up and those who requested for invites, I am on the case, so please be patient with me!

Article continues...
I tell black women that they have to learn to become side steppers per excellence, this I believe is the primary task which confronts black women today because there are just too many obstacles, traps, plans etc that are laid out ahead of each individual black woman. People want black women to be this or that and there is a 'rig' in the system that helps folks conveyor belt black women towards these designated and appropraite 'places' and roles determined for black womanhood.

You must learn to side-step peoples expectations, their traps, side step the places they have prepared for you to occupy, side step their anger when you dont comply... all the while doing it with a smile on your face pretending you dont see their consternation and incredulity when you dont go the path they feel is the one you are meant to be on.

The modern black woman who will succeed will be a 'secret agent' in pursuit of her interests, and she must carry it all out with stealth ane finesse.

An aside here, I found myself thinking the other day about how black women who boast twice the college degrees of black men and etc are easily manipulated by these same black men who dont have as many degrees and qualifications. These men are able to control many bw who boast of having PHDs and the likes, wow! I was watching this manipulation/control dynamic unfold the other day on a black website, how as soon as a certain black woman began to say things that were essentially 'shooting herself in the foot', all of a sudden she acquired a whole host of black male cheerleaders who suddenly materialized to encourage her in her foot shooting 'enterprise'. I sat there shaking my head with a wry smile.

Have you noticed that black men are in no way confused about where their interests lie! You couldnt even convince a black man who is drunk to change the dynamics of a situation to change to flow against his interest, you cannot convince a black man who is half asleep to work against his direct self interest the way that black women do as a matter of course. Like a heat seeking missle, a black man knows where his interests lies even if hidden under layers of rubble or crisscrossed with a thousand and one options.

Yet faced with the choice of doing something to damage their interests and doing something that would further their inetersts, it is black women who are often scratching their heads wondering which they should take, and that is of course if they are able to distinguish between the two in the first place!

Whenever I see a situation online where a gaggle of black men have gathered to cheer a black woman on, just know that woman has a gun pointed at her foot!

Anyway learn to side step peoples schemes and plans, their machinations, their ideas of where you should be placed as a black woman, what weight you should embrace, what reward for your efforts, essentially the pillars of your identity. You will even get pressured by black women into these appropraite roles for the black woman so in essence you have to learn to do this side-stepping dance with all and everyone.

Take time out to create a picture of who you are and what kind of life you want to lead and your goals for different areas of life, make it as detailed as possible. Over time you can refine this picture of you, afterall we all change and so does our priorities, as we get shaped and changed by life and by encounters with people, places and ideas, however at least you will begin your refining with a clear understanding of what you want for yourself and what you are departing from.

It is important to know yourself before others tell you who you are and as a black woman many such others will want to 'plug' you into their set up, their ideals and their vision of the world. Apparently for many, black women are not and cannot be independent entities with the rights to self-determination. If black women choose to go against what is expected or deemed right for them, it seems to unbalance the 'identity' of a whole host of third parties!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Face Book Page 'Black Women Reintegrating'- Update

2011-10-11T12:24:00.004+01:00

Please bear with me all those who have requested an invite, I am still figuring out a few things!...

Over the years, my work has shifted axis into being about the overall well-being of black women (BWE for short), from having a purely black women into interracial dating focus. I have been thinking about a general theme under which to summarize my work as it now stands, to encapusulate what my core thrust is and also my evolution of thinking, and also give a broad scope for any possible expansion of the work.

Over the months I have come to see that a whole lot of what i do can be said to be 'calling' black women to reintegrate into general society, to get into mainstream and the general playing field and succeed. To learn how to win within the society in which they find themselves.

After all these years, I have come to see that very little benefit accrues to black women 'holed' up both physically, socially and indeed mentally in the 'black community' context. I am watching freinds dry up on the vine, loose sparkle and enthusiasm expending all their energy for naught trying to patch back the community, when 10 holes appear for every one they fix. When I tell them that saving the black community is conditional and conditioned on black men themselves being inetersted and fully participating, they seem to get it on a logical level but their emotions are still tied in and invested in the old failed model. I have talked about black women accepting, greiving and moving on in the past and the sooner some of you complete the process the sooner many of you can get on with reaching those goals of life that will gladen your hearts in the fading years!

Richard Banks' Sister Speaks!

Black women continue to 'sit' out the general game of life waiting at the sidelines for a promised black social resurrection that never comes. Many black women particularly above the age of 35 will never be able to to recover the years and resources they have invested in this mirage.

Black women who circumscribe themselves within 'black community' as their only or primary operating area, run a great risk of experiencing lack, limitiation and misuse. This reasoning runs counter to everything we have been told about how 'our communtites' provide us with succour and nurture and that the wolf will eat us if we move out of the protective domain of other blacks.

I have resisted a social network page, but I now see a need for a page on which to continue this particular element of the BWE work ie bw re-integrating that dont fit under this current blog theme.

My page will focus on a community of black women (with a few others), who are serious about the challenge of reintegrating back into the general societal playing field and winning within it.

Some reasons for the facebook group around reintegrating

1) I do not agree or believe that Racism is the main culprit for the areas of social underachievement of black women. I say 'the areas' because we all can see that black women are making great strides in education and business however there are areas which mean so much to black women that they cant seem to get fulfillment. We know them all, OOW, singleness. There are also other attendant issues due to holing up within the black 'confines,' including increase in HIV infections, black women increasingly becoming victims of violence, street harrasment and other black male entitlement expressions, black women pouring out their resources and recieving nothing back neither having anything to show for all their efforts etc etc.

These are areas that are about making black women's lives meaningful.

The notion that all these issues are because of overarching racism is revealed as false especially as issues like singleness numbers and OOW numbers where not as high as they are today as little as 30 years ago! I believe this notion of 'racism' is the issue ior that only when racism is tackled can black women's situation improve is a notion blocking out useful discussions about how black women can turn their fortunes around. I believe this idea also provides the greatest mental block to all black women can be, and enjoy in the now! I hope that with the FBG we can look at and exchange real strategies for succesfully navigating mainstream which is where black will now have to forage for her sustenance.

2) I believe that it is only by choosing to move and carve out a space in mainstream that black women can enjoy better personal and social conditions, achieve respite and social consideration. Think of all the issues plaguing the black woman in her community, yet many want to maintain that it is in this community that black women can experience love, acceptance, belonging, and support. This assertion is simply theoretical thinking in the face of stark social indicators that show that black women would be safer, more accepted for their skin tones and hair texture, less victims of crime and harrassment by positioning themselves in a broader social context. We hoped that we would never have to say this but it is undeniable now that black women on average will experiencing better conditions and 'peace of mind' by locating themselvces out of the black community. I hope to with this facebook page that we can 'define' the common issues affecting black women so as to come up with strategies.

3) I feel strongly that it is a matter of urgency to pass on 'intelligence' on effective living to the younger black women. As I have written in a fair few blog articles, we are at the point where we are or even have lost a generation of black girls because we the elders (even the black community as a whole) has essentially thrown them to the wolves. We abdicated this responsibility of guding the young girls aright and have left young black women to fend for themselves and come up with their own survival strageies and it is no suprise that many have gone astray and internalized inferiority and low esteem giving the toxicity and dysfuntion within which they are functioning.

There is also the deliberate misguiding I see happening. I do not think the lack of coaching and effective training of black girls is something that just happened but continues the age old agenda of 'preparing' the young black girl to be the 'galley slave' to their community. Indeed if they get 'consumed' by the toxicity and dysfunction evident in black enclaves, this is seen as all part of the function that black women perform (collateral damage and canon fodder) thus there is deliberate misguidance and lack of direction giving.

Many black girls are also trapped in an atmosphere saturated in anti-black woman sentiment which means they are unable to tell who is for them or against them. They gleam information within an anti-black woman set up as well as anti-black woman portals and references that they dont know how 'being for them' looks and feels therefore they lack the ability to determine freind from foe.

4) Mainstream challenges you to do better, to be world class rather than mediocre because you are appealing to a wider audience and working within healthy wider competition spaces. These mainsteam conditions sharpen you. Unfortunately many black women are currently guided by in-group thoughts, priorities and chatter, they are becoming even more insular and unable to make sense beyond the black community realm. It cringed when I heard a black woman speak to a public forum a couple of days ago, because even though I could tell that she was speaking from the 'black ideology', she sounded so off current thought and reasoning. She was taking about things which society had now thought was a most ineffective way of viewing the situation. A lot of black women are 'off' in their thoughts and thinking and it is because they have cut themselves off wider thought systems and are holed up mentally in the 'black community' context.

and so
I am still tinkering around on the facebook page at the moment but if you do feel you can identify with the core concept of the group, feel free to ask for an invite. I reiterate, there will be an empasis on black women integrating into mainstream to win. There will be no discussions on how to bring back black unity and black women have to be happy to move on from worrying about black men and their situation/issues.

Facebook group is 'Black women Re-integrating'- Halima Anderson

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Who you calling Beautiful!

2011-10-04T10:52:00.004+01:00

Miss Universe Leila with Mum + family members

Ok so we all saw folks go hard after Miss Universe to ‘catch her riddn' dirty.’ So far they have said she is not Angolan, others say she did not enter validly and there have been talks about forged papers (why is it that whenever a black/non white person is scrutinized we will soon come up with the ol’ illegal immigrant routine). In addition to all the ‘she came in the wrong way’ talk, Miss France directly attacked her win by taking the issue directly to her looks and her manner (google it if you want to read that whole business not worth the folder it is saved in!).

I guess we can all admit that all these reactions speak to a ‘discomfort’ in Miss Angola winning the crown of Miss Universe. One wonders at this because she isn’t the first black woman to win it.

I reviewed a few youtubes after the event and what I saw gave me an inkling into all the nervousness. I saw a woman having fun with her beauty, a woman who was in no way doubting that she should be there and comfortable with the idea of being judged as worthy of the crown. I believe this is the root of the discomfort. ‘If you are a black winner, act like you know it was ‘given’ to you seems to be the general consensus for black beauty queens, not that you took your place among the beauties of the world. Leila wasn’t arrogant, but relaxed with her beauty.

As an aside, I see a lot of bautiful black women around me but very few are relaxed in their beauty, there is often a hard edge there as if waiting for someone to come and accuse them. Are they psyching themselves up to accept looking beautiful, or is it the same ol' life beat down at work?

From start to finish there was a knowing twinkle and fun to Miss Angola as a woman she was relaxed with her beauty.

The other thing I noticed was that in many folks mind there was a resistance to the idea of now having to take black women seriously in the beauty stakes.

I was reading a few message boards and their comments before Miss Angola’s win. They noticed that she was there but very few put her in top 10!

Peoples impression of beauty and of beauty queen winners adjusts itself to the judges vote over time. Case in point, no one doubts that Miss India is always a serious contender in these Miss universe and Miss world pagents, when over a decade ago they would have made anyone’s top twenty list. We have learnt to ‘appreciate’ the beauty of Miss India (which by the way has been there all along), because India pulled off a back to back win at a Miss world contest (or was it Miss universe) a few years ago. When an Indian winner suceeded another Indian winner, well, we no longer take Miss indias for granted.

I also remember the first time reality shows like ‘American idol’ hit our screens. In the beginning no one could call the winner, we all sat glued to the TV, pitting our wisdom against that of others. Very soon a formula emerged and we started to pick our winners based on how we thought the judges would vote and it was all unconscious. When they did win we hailed them the real and undisputed winners and held our judgement as ‘independent’. But was it really!

I saw the message boarders do the same thing, that is pick winner who were the usual suspects. So they raved about Miss Ukraine, Miss Russia, Miss USA and they didn’t pick one black contestant but tokenized Miss Angola (so they weren’t blind to her beauty afterall!).

Anyway when she won, many started reassessing their judgement and admitting they could now see why she was Miss Universe. They could see 'this' and 'that' beautiful trait in her (which had been there all along mind you). So she could well have been veiled until the judges decision forced them to go back to their initial impressions which they discounted and buried in their subconscious bid to choose the winner according to the usual ways these competitions tend to go.

Of course the usual racists emerged with the usual stereotypes to keep things rooted in the past.

I wasnt too worried about them but am happy some folks were jolted into the place where they would have a 'quiet' reflection on how and who they judge to be beautiful!

You are the Pathfinders for your life
Black women need to understand that they are the pioneers in this new and exciting life of abundance and liberty they hope to enjoy. Many of you are having a hard time because you are looking to older others to provide guidance. These others either have stale and even dangerous advice for you or they are like many black mothers I see today who dont even know which way is up!

I live on the outskirts of London at this point and I often see young African girls left to fend for themselves. The mothers are there but being socially backwards, isolated, church mad and of course working low paying gigs, these African mothers dont have the vital and strategic information needed to help direct their daughters to a higher plane of living.

Yes I am being a bit harsh here but the gist of what I am saying remains true, many black mothers are so out of modern life, they have out of kilter prorities and funny notions in place that it is actually dangerous for these women to give advice to anyone! Many of the daughters understand this ,but when they look to others they still get offered outdated directives on how to take on life. See many black women are carried away by women who look together, have their hair 'did', wear expensive shoes and gold watches but they are still continuing the agenda of 'farming' black women for the work of the black community. These women have refused to come to terms with modern society but want to hold to black indignation and continue ancient feuds and keep ruminating on past slights. They still want an us versus them situation with black and white and they would rather die than allow a reapproachnment between the races. They are so emotionally attached to never ending the black-white feud almost as if they are sworn to it for eternity. This mindset keeps them and women who look to them for advice in emotional and social lack and limitation regardless of the rolex watch!

I have instructed a freind to let go of the emotionally draining battle she is having with her mother and just accept that she is on her own and going to have to rise to the task of finding her way through this world. She is going to have to be savvy, look for mentors and cultivate the necesary attitudes to enable people take to her and show her the ropes. Her mother is one of those who still talks about 'finding a man in church' lol, she could well be in a bubble for all the advice she gives and insists her daughter follow.

No wonder many black women fail, or they reach a career hieght and then make a false move. Most of our mothers never walked the corriders of power and werent privy to how things are run so even with the best of intentions they dont have the right advice for their daughters. For many black women who live in europe, we will actually be the first 'elder' generartion to pass on wisdom for living, to those coming behind!

I will expand this discussion in a future article.

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I am a fan of the book 'Is Marriage for White People' by Richard Banks, are you?

2011-09-26T14:09:00.002+01:00

‘Is Marriage for white people?’ a recently released book by Richard Banks explores an issue that we BWE have been banging on about for several years now. It’s the book that a good few of us would have liked to write about the topic of black women expanding their dating options, if we were Stanford professors with access to the research and data. Indeed what this book has done is back up a lot of the observations and empirical evidence that BWE have been pointing out for years. It’s a good handbook for many of the discussions we have been having. It’s the hard evidence that some say they require before they change their minds especially as it is backed by a professorship from Stanford.

'Black women deserve better than what many black men have to offer'- R Banks

I know some bw were a bit hesitant and wary about this book when it first came out, but I would suggest that some of us look at the larger issue here and that is, how this book could have a far reaching effect because sadly people are the way they are and many black women will only receive counsel from a black man on these issues. Indeed I kept coming across comments like, ‘If he is a black man he wouldn’t be saying this’, or people mistaken him for white because the truth is that black men have long since adopted a selfish and self centred posture towards the whole issue, in fact people are almost having heart attacks at the thought of a black man not going the usual route of defending black men and the image of black men even at the expense of the well-being of the group!

I blogged for NWNW here

Buy a copy, request one for your library, get it in place of that gift you were already planning for your sister or friend (Christmas is round the corner), or recommend if for your book club. BWE have so much power of influence that they often don’t use and which often doesn’t cost them much or extra. Write a review. BWE activists (which means all of you), need to commit at least one hour a month towards pushing forward the BWE philosophy. JUST-ONE-HOUR-A-MONTH. How hard can that be!

'Should black women continue to be held hostage to the failures of black men'- R Banks

This can involve dropping a link in a discussion (wont take you more than 10 mins!). I have aggregated a whole lot of BWE work on the following website www.tellingblackwomenthetruth.com feel free to drop it all over the web. I have seen many do it and I thank you for your efforts to liberate your fellow black woman.

Put this hour down in your diary and decide what it is you want to do. Remember this hour is about spreading the message to new territories not just writing a blog post for instance to your usual audience. I used to print off leaflets and drop them surreptitiously on buses or train seats (in areas with a high population of black women). Even dropping a few leaflets on the sly in your hairdressers (who is to know it is you), even handing a leaflet to a bw and feigning ignorance saying ’someone gave me this leaflet I wonder what its about?’ Imagine how many people will come across this book in a public setting like a library or as a request for a book club.

Copy of the leaflet printed and dropped on train seats or the hairdressers!

In the UK the book is not yet available so I have been reading a listening to Richard Banks commentary on different online pages. I was impressed with some of the answers highlighted below:

Re Owing it to the black race:

‘Another concern is that black women feel they owe it to the black race to marry a black man and have a black family that is strong and does the race proud. Many college educated black women have cousins, fathers and brothers who have been to jail or unemployed. They've seen this struggle and feel like they want to help and be part of the solution rather than be successful on their own.’

Re academic theories and intellectual analysis need to have meaning to the person on the ground and not be disconnected from their personal desires aspirations

‘When I teach family law, we spend a lot of time on the question of: If we didn't have the institution of marriage, would we need to create it? What would life be like without that? When you ask people on the street if they think marriage is oppressive and has been a tool to consolidate male control over women and maintaining property relationships, those ideas don't connect with regular people at all. If you talk to mainstream gay leaders about destroying gay marriage, you have no constituency for that among gay rights advocates. Ten or twenty years ago, there was a constituency for that argument.’

Re the charge that 'Marriage as an oppressive institution'.

There's a lot to the critique of marriage as an institution, but in the book, I'm not critiquing what people want. When a black woman tells me she thought by the time she was 39 she'd be married with children, I don't begin to query her about why she wants to be married and whether marriage is necessary. I put myself where they are, and that's a choice I made.

(My choice here is not to critique people's norms, expectations, or values, but instead to take for granted that in our society people do still have gendered expectations of men and women. If I were creating a society, I might get rid of those, but I'm taking people as they are rather than remaking them in the way I think they should be.)

I was impressed with this answer given by Richard Banks to Salon.com because for a long time I have watched ‘intellectuals’ and assorted black intelligentia and activists query black women when they say they want to be married and say that black women are buying into an oppressive institution etc etc we should look at 'new' forms of relationships and partnerships etc etc. Indeed these folks decided they would rather challenge black women's desires than accept what black women say they want as valid and that they have a right to this desire. Indeed if black women say they want to be married why are such folk now suddenly beginning to 'question' it and this desire for marriage and make it out to be abnormal? I guess this questioning has become necessary now because of how hard it is for this ambition to be realized within race, so invalidating this stated desire as wrong headed, abnormal or black women wanting to be like whites instead of accepting new ideals, becomes the only way to ensure black women abide by the situation as it stands!

Re marriage is shorthand for committed relationships

In some ways it's a matter of shorthand. It is the case that for most couples in the U.S., a serious, committed, monogamous relationship is going to be a marital one. Most cohabitating relationships are not long term. People either break up or get married. Maybe that will change 10 years from now, but right now in the U.S., that's where we stand.

Re feminist wanting to manipulate black women’s issues to further their agenda

‘I've talked about this with a lot of academic white feminists at Stanford, and I've heard a lot of them ask, "Why do women need to be married? Why can't they have children on their own? And who am I to impose some moral code on women?" My response is that when I went out to interview people, I thought I was going to find a lot of black women who were so happy they didn't have to be married. But I didn't find that. To the people who say black women are leading the charge in being unmarried and we should applaud them rather than subject them to scrutiny, I would say they're really missing the experience that a lot of black women are having. A less charitable take is that it's doing a disservice to black women to manipulate their experience for the ideological ends of feminism.

See more http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/09/04/marriage_and_race_interview

I was also impressed at how he also essentially debunks this myth and chanted mantra of there are ‘Good black men out there,’ which has essentially immobilized many black women and prevented the dawning of the idea that hey would and should broaden their dating options. How does he do this? Well with the strong case he makes that as long as the number imbalance gives black men the upper hand and indeed so much power in the black relationship arena/market, they will continue to give black women a very bad deal not because they are evil demons, but as a function of this extreme bargaining advantage they enjoy. He says quite openly that black women would likely find better relationship deals with white men!

His is a good response for those who want black women to foolishly trust in the ‘altruist’ nature of black men.

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

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Until We become Normal and Comonplace (updates)

2011-09-20T15:25:00.003+01:00

Dont you just love the correlation?

Re Miss Universe

Yes I shouldn’t be caught up about beauty queens and judging women on looks, but I am no fool, while those who protest loudest still reap benefits of being seen as the beauty norm (hence they can afford to pooh pooh beauty pagents etc aggresively) those of us who don’t get the limelight need to be like the wise old servant in the gospels, shoring up our circumstances anyway we can

Blog post continues:
I explained to a colleague recently that when people first see or come into contact with you as a black woman they may have one or two likely responses but likely they will respond negatively if they haven’t had the experience of confronting a black woman in the situation before. As black women many of us are still entering ’first’ situations because we tend to or have tended to self-segregate more than black men and confine ourselves to black spaces and pasttimes (so people are not used to dealing with bw in untypical situations). If people haven’t experienced black woman in a certain situation trust me, the more likely reaction you will get will be discomfort, you will see it in their faces and reactions whcih often speaks to an underlying race issue or insecurity that is unresolved. most times this will result in them trying to get rid of the source of this discomfort, and you guessed it they might then try to 'eject' you from the situation and they will get about doing this without even being aware that this is what they are doing and indeed without diagnosing that this is because of a racial animus.

Once you stand your ground or are allowed to be in place for sometime, you will see how soon your being around or being there ‘normalizes’. One bw I know had a very bad experience when she was called to ‘head’ a certain project. I told her to hang in there and pretend she didn’t even notice that folk were uncomfortable and didn’t know how to respond to her and her being there. Very soon people settled into their little camps.

Yes there were those who couldn’t deal and did their little sabotaging things here and there, thankfully they were not in positions of great power and ultimately she had a number of important allies whose sense of fairness (this is one of the most useful and salient aspects of the white identity which is more important to appeal to than ‘anti-racism,’ because most whites are desperate to see themselves as fair-minded people even while they may be too nervy to comfront race and racism) didn’t allow them to side with all sorts of racist shenanigans (though very few were able to name the going ons for what it truly was ie racism, they just felt they needed to give the new person a fair shake).

Pretending you don’t know what is going on while silently doing your thing is one of the best moves a bw can make. Trust me, give things a chance to ‘settle,’ don’t feel you have to respond to peoples attitudes. Allow for folks to even cancel each other out by being in team this and team the other, while you burrow down and attend to the business of getting yourself up to speed on your job, project, team etc.

Speaking also about how white people do not really or are not able to suss racist animus or identify it as a factor in a situation, I want black women to realize this very important truth; white women in particular do not even understand or know that they are being racist to black women in many of those work/social situations that you all talk about no matter how incredulous this may sound!

Some of you think they know what they are doing, the truth is some might have an oblique understanding that race has something to do with how they are responding to this black person but often a defense mechanism will kick in (remember the aim of defence mechanisms is to shield one from their own anxiety producing/unacceptable emotions and impulses and what is more unacceptable to the self image of a white person than the notion that they are really racists!) and they will latch unto or even manufacture another 'reason' for their response to you to eg they might say you have an 'attitude' (and you dont necessarily need to have one, you could be the nicest person on earth but they will project the readily available seterotype of bw unto you and rarely will this be challenged because bw are deemed to be so, as well as bw themselves reinforce the 'big and bad' attitude almost to the level of an identity).

There is a certain level of lack of self awareness that goes with living as a privileged being (a white person), in addition being a ’protected,’ unchallenged privileged being (I am talking white womanhood) means even a greater level of lack of self-awareness! This is why white men in my calculations are more aware and can own that they could be behaving in a racist manner (and thus are able to be reasoned with and can be pulled back), as opposed to white women whose very comon reaction is to burst into incredulous tears when it is pointed out.

You very rarely win if you directly confront a white woman about her racist reactions to you for the above and other reasons....

To be contd

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Ayaan and Niall Tie the Knot

2011-09-18T19:12:00.002+01:00

About wedding

Says Andrew Sullivan...

One of my oldest friends married one of my global heroines on Saturday. The irascible Scot wed the unafraid Somali to the Battle Hymn of the Republic (and a little Gershwin thrown in) in Harvard Memorial Church. For me, this is America: a refugee from brutal Islamist repression and an intellectual seeking new forums and new audiences to share his work. They came here because this is America, a place that makes an East African and a Glaswegian feel equally at home more

MANY HEARTY CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!

Being proactive and promptly reactive to your Situation

2011-09-10T11:09:00.008+01:00

Miss Universe 2011 Leila Lopes (Miss Angola)

"She captivated the crowd and we were all behind her," said Brazilian Natalie Bursztyn, 20, who was in the crowd inside Credicard Hall where the event took place. "It was great that the judges also saw what the fans saw and gave her the crown. Her dress was beautiful and she knew exactly what to say when they asked her the question about her looks."

Another fan in the audience, Carolina Rocha, said Lopes' win was "well deserved, we were cheering for her all along. Her smile and her friendliness was what set her apart from the others. She also answered her question very well, that likely helped her a lot."-Time world

Watch crowning moment (scroll down) http://society.ezinemark.com/leila-lopes-of-angola-hot-pictures-of-miss-universe-2011-winner-7737040df06a.html

Blog Entry-
Observing black people around me, I can see that most of them live in a state of 'reactivity' as opposed to being proactive. Things come upon them, are done to them or happen to them which then causes them to react, often too late.

During the beginnings of the downturn of the economy I watched a colleague frantically try to convey to the community groups she was working with that things were no longer going to be as they were and they would have to rethink their dependence on government funding for their organisations and community projects. She was very unsuccessful, and even up to the point were many of these community organisations had their government funding pulled, many continued to turn a deaf ear to the messages coming loud and clear on the need to rethink their strategy. When money dried up eventually they fell back on the usual tactic (that used to work before) of crying racism and discrimination. It was very uncomfortable for her and even me to see how dependence disfigures human ingenuity and creativity making people so fearful of taking a step forward and seizing their own destiny in their own hands, indeed they would rather continue to be 'wards' of others no matter how much of their self esteem and belief in self they sacrificed as a result.

However let me add here that even in a reactive state there is a postive or useful way to be reactive. Many black folk operate in the unresponsive end of the reactive state, if you can say such a thing exists. Indeed you can be super sensitive to a changing situation in such a way that it borders on the proactive itself. Lets face it, no one can be procative 100 percent of the time. We live in an ever changing world and we have to react most of the time esepcially in day to day terms and thus there is a good and positive way of being reactive, and thats to pick up a situation as soon as possible and go ahead to do what is needed without much or any prompting. But many black people dont even react when they need to, when the picture is clear and has been for quite a while. A woman who has been diagnosed with diabetes but never picks up the courage to change her lifestyle is an example and I see this around so often.

'If black women can 'unlink' themselves from black men, they will rise to the surface'-halima

Some may argue that something has deadened such a persons instinctive will to live and I agree that a whole lot of the community burdens put upon black woman and which black women put upon themselves, can indeed disrupt their ability and desire for the best possible life for themselves.

I see so many black women letting things ride out, hoping and praying things will resolve, in other words the situation didnt just spring from the blues, it progressively became a 'situation' while they hoped and kept fingers crossed and did nothing practical.

I think the fact that many black people are religious more so than other demograhies says something about how black folk would rather employ faith than be practical and proactive about their situation. 'God will do it,' 'He will thwart the enemy,' seems to be a preffered MO for black people on the whole. Very few 'pastors' will explain that it has always been about God blessing the bit that you are already doing and not God doing it all for you from scratch or all on your behalf!

An effectively empowered black woman (in terms of mapping out a life for herself) is on the whole, proactive and when you do have to 'react' it is with speed and promptness, no delay once it is established what needs to be done or overcome.

Being in denial wastes precious time, the time that could actually reverse the bad fortune! You will still have to face a situation one way or another and so 'a stich in time' will be a much better policy than burying your head in the sand. Act promptly to extricate yourself from a 'situation'.

If you think you have reacted too late, you are just going to have to shut off that emotional response of fear and paralysis and knuckle down and get on with a plan to get out of the situation. In some cases it might go either way but at least you gave it a good shot!

As an empowered black women you need to spend time investigating, studying and finding out, not just better ways of doing stuff but upcoming trends, paradigm shifts, and methods of survival. Shore up what you have now to make it lasting and permanent but be aware that whatever comfortable situation you have now is unlikely to remain so in this rapidly changing world of downturn of fortunes in a good portion of western societies, you have to plan a way ahead for if ever you need to jump! Always ask, 'Where or what next?

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Why you must loose weight now!

2011-08-30T11:03:00.003+01:00

Plainly put and without preamble it will be you number one insurance policy in a time when public services will fail and grow uncertain and substandard. Unless you have been under a rock you know that the West as a whole is in a big financial hole. Both Europe and America are still facing the possibility of a double dip recession.

We have for years talked about how streamlining your life and having a full grip on your personal decisions (child birth, wealth creation etc) will enable you survive. The issue of weight loss is part of it and is more urgent now because social infrastructure is collapsing. Lax and wasteful lifestyles where folk cant even be bothered to think two steps ahead to get out of danger, will no longer be subsidized (which is essentially what a lot of these intervention programs amount to).

I want to commend the anonymous who wrote in this comment on my last blog post (indeed I dont always get time to respond to the many wonderful and encouraging comments).

In addition, to prevent information overload and gain more clarity in my decision making, I've hired a trainer and workout everyday; I will begin fasting and will start turning off the TV. I can't read all of the BWE blogs because for me, its just too much information to feasibly process it all. I have to focus on one which will be yours.

This is the sign of someone who is really serious about getting to the next level. The next level requires expending energy (emotional and physical), time, money, auditing and essential streamlining of life.

The truth ladies is that you have no more time to 'make up your mind' to loose weight especially if you have had a weight problem for a while (and lets not get into the usual semantics about what is 'overweigh' and how someone 'overweight' can be the healthiest person ever etc etc etc). You should already be on board a weight loss program or simply confront and accept what a future with long term and terminal health problems (brough on by your refusal to get to grips with your weight issue) will bring.

Am I saying it will be easy? Absolutely not but when has that ever been an excuse not to do what needs doing.
Health is wealth they say, and in the near future Health will be Wealth!

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How to survive in a world of information overload (contd)

2011-08-22T23:37:00.002+01:00

Over a number of years it has become clear to me that the information/choice overload that has exploded with the internet has a negative impact on many black women. Many are now 'lost' in the range of choices they have or are trappend in the belief and promise of a better solution than the one that stands in front of them, if they hold off making a decision. The situation is akin to waiting for a better credit card rate than signing up to the one that seems reasonble, because you feel that there is about to be a price war with the credit card companies that will net you an even better deal if you hold out!

One of the reasons why black women put off making necessary desicions as they wait for something better etc is that there is a whole faction invested in black women staying put in their current situation so they immediately counter any change or movement towards change.

Today I came across a clear illustration of the above point. A man had written a blog post about how his mind had been changed by a book he had read. Essentially he was rethinking his 'left-leaning' position on a couple of things, anyway someone came unto the comment page and proceeded to counter each and every point raised by the original author. Now I am not going to say that the commetor was making invalid arguments however my immediate reaction was that this commentor was essentially 'pushing the blog author back into place'!

I know many black women who are put off change because someone (who more than likely is against change and improvement for black women), decided to come around a rich and interesting conversation that was about to lead to 'change' to punch holes in the ideas of squelch the change emerging and deflate the growing 'motivation' black women are begining to have to do something different.

It is however very important to understand that as a black woman if you have begun to engage in conversations and debate issues, it is likely to be because you want to move forward and what you are doing currently isnt working. This is very important because many black women loose sight of the fact that what brought them to the discussion table to start with, is a need for change, a need to try something different, to try a new plan or tactic because the old way isnt working. However if someone ends up taking the winds out of your sails then they are really your obstacle. Indeed my reaction to the counter argument and 'take down' of the first bloggers article by the second commetor in the above illustration was, 'How does this help the blogger to go forward?'

I hear someone say, 'Well he might have been moving to a wrong place etc etc'. However I want to point out that it is important to make some move if you are stuck and looking for a change in your circumstances.

Think about this very apt passge in the bible (2 Kings 7:3). Two lepers realize they have to make a choice because making a decision could result in the change of their fortunes while not making one meant staying stuck in their already bad situation:

“Why are we sitting here until we die? If we say, ‘We will enter the city,’ the famine is in the city, and we shall die there. And if we sit here, we die also. Now therefore, come, let us surrender to the army of the Syrians. If they keep us alive, we shall live; and if they kill us, we shall only die.”

Sometimes you are in a position where you have to grab at achance to change things for yourself even if nothing is guaranteed and there is also the probabilty that you wont change your circumstances.

Also another crucial point here is that in a world where there is too much choice actually you will discover that most of those choices approximate each other and often the most critical thing is that you made a decision promptly! Don't forget that another outcome of a world of surpluss choice is that you can and should retreat from your choice/decision, you are not tied to any decision for life! We see this with financial products, we see this with increasing divorce rates in fact all areas of life. I am not saying that decisions should be taken lightly, not at all but you cannot put off a decision indefintely, you have to jump in at some point (soon hopefully). If you make a mistake, dont punish yourself, be able to say, 'I am sorry, I was mistaken etc etc'.

The most important thing is to make a meaningful decision which you can work with or make something of by adding other elements.

This above point, was further illustrated to me by my cousins situation. She took a low paying job (she needed the money). Her sister didnt jump on the first job that came her way unlike my cousin, and eventually got a better paying job (one and half times more money). My cousin was at this low paying job for 10 years. But she compensated for this lowly job (without even being aware) by investing and saving and doing other bits and pieces (making something out of her particular circumstance). She now stands at a higher place financially than those who worked jobs twice her salary. As long as you know the limits of your descion and choice its possible to compensate for the shortfalls and less than ideal terms. Think about a man/woman who works a low paying job to raise funds for a personal business or to put kids through school!

continued

Should my choice always be ethical and pass the ism scrutiny?
Many bw are under a strange pressure to make sure every action, every behaviour, every thought is one that is entirely ethical and fair and progressive. A lot of them display this tension to make their lives very moral by explaining why they made a specific choice rather than another (justify their decisions). Others engage in constant debating as if really they are trying to convince themselves more than others that there is no nasty underlying/wrong reason under behind any decision or choice.

In truth this is all tedious. You do not have to be politically correct in your every move or utterance or decision. You do not need to strive to make your every decision one that aligns with social morality and you do not need to strive to refrain from acting from 'isms'. Your decision has to have personal meaning to you thats all, the only other limit is that you do not hurt anyone else by your actions.

A friend of mine went to great lengths to explain why her decision to exclude Indian men wasn’t ‘racist’. It was really excruciating watching her go through all sorts of hoops and justification arguments to say, ’Hey I am not racist you know!’

I said to her, 'Who cares if you are racist, trust me, you are not hurting or denying any Chinese man anything by excluding him from your dating catchment'.

The challenge
Many black women are at a stand still because there are just so many options and theories out there on what they should do or not do. Many feel they have to hear all the arguments before they make any choice however the arguments nnever end and there is a new one to listen to each day!

The challenge of today’s society is how to make choices from the almost limitless information we are bombarded with in today’s world. How to pick that which is the best for us from the menu that is 20 feet long. We are surrounded by paths but we cannot see beyond 20 meters of any of them, and thus we become afraid to take one path because, ‘Who knows where it will lead?’

The trick however is to decide for an option and then make the best out of it by employing all your skills, talents and abilities and adding your unique value to that choice to expand it and make it the best it can be and we all can make an amazing product out of the basic choice combined with our unique talents and gifts!

Consider this analogy. Say you are a farmer and have to plant your crops on one of the choices of land that is set before you. You are not given an opportunity to do a soil test analysis but must choose by just looking at the piece of ground for 30 seconds. What you end up with is soil that is partly fertile. What do you do? Do you throw up your hands and say, ‘I am doomed,’ ‘I am always unlucky’. Do you down tools and stand and watch those who have chosen a better piece of land that has the capacity to grow ten times more crops than your piece of land?

Actually what you do is to employ your intelligence and talents to the problem that confronts you. You buy fertilizer, try different cropping techniques. You do not resent your fate because that shuts off the creative thinking ability. Instead welcome it and see it as an opportunity to exercise your mental abilities.

The likely result to these kinds of scenarios is that you end up not just with a crop yield approximate to that of the person with the more fertile field, but also, you end up with a cropping ‘technique’ that you developed through sweat and tears! You can now patent it!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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Riot City

2011-08-15T15:36:00.000+01:00

Thanks to those who emailed to find out if I was alright during the recent London riots that of course spread to other areas of the country.

You all saw the shocking images. It was undeniable that a majority of rioters were black, in fact what many will not realize is that most of the areas that the riots erupted where predominately black areas.

The TV historian David Starkey came under fire for his recent comments saying that there is an element of black culture poisoning British youth making them nihilistic and lack and investment in their societies leading to such and other outbreaks of violence. See controversy

Of course he could have expressed himself more clearly (ofI believe his emotions were running high because of all the destruction and devastation that had happened), but I am not going to crucify him for bravely coming out with the perspective that we need to look into seriously, especially in light of these recent events, and that is evaluating the culture being adopted by black youth that makes them fail at making a go at modern society.

Funny enough many of the black folk here are saying something similar to Mr Starkey, but since the public debate space is dominated by ‘left’ notions of valid argument/speech and because black folk are not expected to partake in social discourse as adults (taking some blame as adults are happy to do), but only as indulged children and excused wards of the state, this will of course be totally ignored and made out to be a white racist perspective only!

Let me make this plain.
Black people are not meeting the challenge of 21st century western societies. Black men are downright failing but black women are not to far behind in not meeting the challenges as well, clearly observable in their clinging to outdated, unbeneficial and downright self defeating ways of being.

So why the riots?
Well for one, the black sectors of society have refused to grow up politically and otherwise but are interested only in being on the receiver end of a giver-taker relationship that seems to be the endorsed dynamic for black and white by the left leaning political faction.

Sure a man was shot by police but aside from calling for a independent investigation and waiting for that report and then challenging it or essentially taking it from there, I wonder what else could have been done. Even the so called peaceful protest staged by the community for the death of a young black man (protests which were eventually hijacked by the criminal elements intent on getting in their early Christmas shopping), was all very strange, given that there had been no official report out about what happened with the police and the shooting of the black man Mark Duggan to form the basis of a protest. Unless we were saying of course that under no circumstance should a black man be shot I mean even if he himself was armed etc.

No one knows if he was shot by police unlawfully or not so why the ’peaceful’ demonstration. Indeed he could have been unlawfully killed and the family would have been justified in any protest or campaign but nothing official had been released at the time of the peaceful process. A number of white men have been shot in the past three to four years under strange circumstances and I am yet to see ‘peaceful’ demonstrations esepcially before any official/independent report is released. I recall there was a huge demostration when a South American man was shot during the time of the London bombings but that was when it was made clear (almost immediately) that he was not a terrorist carrying a bomb (he was fleeing the police and ran straight into the station and unto a train!).

I am owed coupled by I am victim, coupled by a disconnect from wider social values, social systems especially due to family break down etc is a very dangerous mix. We have seen where it can lead to in the last couple of days!

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My Advice to black women who want to get their lives on track and fast!

2011-08-08T14:36:00.001+01:00

This is for black woman who have somewhere to go and want to get there quickly. Indeed, many black women want to get somewhere but they have all the time in the world! If you have however realized that there are deadlines in life and you don’t have time to waste, I have a few suggestions:

Keep away from all forms of unproductive debates and discussions
Black people as a rule want to have a bunch of unproductive, ‘going nowhere’ discussions. Even when they raise critical questions and debates and say 'come let us talk’, its almost as if they have decided from the outset that they are just going to keep discussions on a superficial level and are not going to do or say anything that will ‘change things’ to any extent or change the status quo. That’s all its going to be; a discussion.

Black folk discuss to appear to be engaged in productive social change like other groups that they see around who are going somewhere. If you engage in discussions that are going nowhere because you can see very well nothing can be enforced or black woman don’t have the leverage to force change on the situation (and it will again all boil down to black women once again carrying the full load and respeonsbility), then you are wasting time and energy best used to build your individual future (which you have a limited time to achieve anyway and especially in these desperate times!).

You are no longer part of rank and file black people
You are now in a different category to most of the other black people around you, in terms of priorities, preoccupations and direction in fact in your mentality and outlook. Many want to blame outside forces or play victims or refuse to make effort for their own elevation, you on the other hand are different. Embrace this reality and stop feeling guilty about separating from and charting a different course to other blacks.

Wave good bye to your friends and what have you and get serious with pursuing your destiny. There are all types of guilt trips used to keep bw back from running after their destiny; ‘you think you are different from us, you want to be white, you will always be seen as black’ etc etc and black women respond by getting back into the black formation.

Stop stewing in anger and bitterness
Bitterness slows you up in many ways including slows your creativity and it also closes doors because it is something that is so hard to hide. For some black women there is a latent demon that gets triggered and when it does, it seems those black women cant even control it! Its almost as if they are standing back and watching the demon kick scream and foam (like an epileptic fit that takes over). These women become vicious, insistent on enforcing their view on others, spearing people left right and centre!

Many black women have a stony heart that refuses to take advice and guidance but are belligerent, arrogant and insistent on their way. Hurt and bitterness can make people spurn that which would be to their benefit! You don’t need to take anyone’s advice but think about why you are rejecting it. If you know an advice has the ring of truth or you know that the advisor is just telling you the real deal, ask yourself why you feel resistant and upset at taking the advice. Again mature and emotionally evolved people know that they don’t have to like the advice or the advice giver to receive the instruction being communicated. Pride and arrogance should never come in the way of doing what is necessary and called for, with regards your situation!

Let me tell you all something you may of may not realize; to be nice is a deliberate act. You determine to be a nice, calm, amiable person and gracious to others and very often at that, there is a disconnect between how you feel and how you act. You know an evolved professional person by how they can separate what they are feeling inside from how they are acting. After a while of emotion control and not acting ugly because you feel that way or the demon has kicked in (ie you control it) then you will find it increasingly easier to be a nice, calm person. Remember, some black women don’t care if they appear in negative light, they are essentially saying ‘to hell’ to life, personal advancement etc, because they are bitter.

Count your blessings daily
I seriously suggest you have a little book of blessings where you note down the things you are happy and grateful for. Read it every other day if not every day. People who are grateful live much happier lives indeed it is the saddest thing that some people have so much but they cant see it and therefore don’t enjoy all the good they have! I know personally a woman who has an adoring husband and three wonderful children but you wouldn’t know it from the way she acts, and this woman is always upset with another woman who is a happy person even though this happy woman on the face of it has less than she does. Indeed it is a strange thing in life that if you are happy, people who might have more than you, think you have something hidden that beats what they have!

When you are a minority or in a minority position you need to generate effort, to take you out of a loosing dynamic or diminished situations
Stop saying it is unfair that you have to do something when others don’t, that’s foolishness. Sure it is unfair but so what, who are you going to sue about life’s unfairness? Folks on the political left will continue to harp on about how life should be fair and many seem to be communicating the notion of black people waiting somehow for a change in the whole structure. Intelligent folk on the other hand know they have to do what they have to do!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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Be Like a bird

2011-07-27T11:02:00.001+01:00

Just to put this out there first:

Does anyone have experince of living and working in OZ.
If you are a black woman; American, UK etc woman who has experienced, lived in or relocated to Australia I have a young black woman who would like to get in touch to get some information. She has been inspired by our BWE forums (which she has read since 16 years and she is now in her early 20's) to make the world her oyster. Please send me an email if you have any info (see my details at side bar or below)

New BWE discussion forum:

A black woman on our BWE network has created a network/meeting ground for forward-thinking BW and their admirers. The link is: http://blackwomenlivingwell.prophpbb.com/

My last post and the responses to Prof N and AHA
Let me say that I am taking some time to digest the responses that I got in relation to the image I used in my last posts. Some folks had all sorts of ideas and went into all sorts of tangents about the use of Prof N image because 'his romatic situation with AHA wasnt ideal'. There is so much to unpack about how that discussion in my previous post went down because I feel there is something deeper at play that makes many bw react the way they do. Jamila has also written a post on the topic, go to Double standard? to discuss and leave comments. It should be a good debate.

Post continues
I wrote this post at the beginning of the year but there seemed something that was 'missing' so I let it sit for a while.

My question to you is, what do BWE empower black women for anyway? I ask this because it is easy to bandy about the term empowernment or empowering black women. It has indeed got to a point where empowernment has lost its meaning. Many of us can see that many of those places that claim to 'empower' or be for empowernment of black women leave a strong sense of being anything but! They may say it but the the advice offered suggests they have a very strange definition of what it means to 'empower black women'.

In my humble opinion, BWE is about enabling black women access the best possible life they can here and now. Write that down.

Yes the best possible life is an individually defined thing, however we can analyse ‘happiness’ and contentment along the same general lines we can for others (so don’t let anyone convince you that black women are such different and exceptional species that they don’t want or require love, marriage, commitment, support, money etc the way others do, it is a trick!)

BWE are convinced that bw can have a good and fulfilled life in the now no matter what obstacles and hindrances there are out there in general society for bw. This is why BWE has a clear focus on getting the skills, getting the knowledge, getting equipped and strategically positioning and manoeuvring oneself to ‘attain.’ We even talk about getting ‘lean’ for the journey.

Other formats of activism work for bw put a great emphasis on black women confronting and wrestling with a great many oppressive and unjust forces, one after the other, for themselves and for everyone else in order to transform the society. Black women who follow this path are pummelled and drained and these activities hardly leave time and space for bw to focus on adapting in order to achieve something for themselves from the current set up, indeed the notion of bw adapting to achieve does not sit well within the general perspective of ‘fighting the powers.’ This is why many black women are in a state of constant confrontation and battling of the powers, with the attendant anger towards the world and an attitude of bitterness pervading their lives.

Indeed BWE preach balance and that bw should take time to live in the society even as they do their bit to oppose injustice whereas under other activist and empowerment traditions fighting injustice and reshaping the world is their main duty. Its about time black women lived a little!

Be like a Bird
If there is one illustration that captures what black women should be about I believe it is one of a bird on a nest. Now I would recommend that you find an image similar to the one below and put it up somewhere were you will see it frequently, on a fridge door for instance etc.

The reason why I advice this is because it will become a powerful symbol of what you are going to be all about from now on; building your nest. I believe we all need to be about building a nest. Black women build your nest with care and focus!

I don’t think that many of us realize this but we are all essentially building our nests; our futures if you like. If you build with purpose always in mind that whatever you are about now, whatever you are engaged in is going towards what your ‘nest’ will finally look like, you will become more effective and efficient and this knowledge will prevent you from wasting time on things that are not important and don’t build in to your nest goals.

Consider a bird building a nest
Another reason why I think the bird-nest analogy is important is that it will help bw zone in on what is important and the items and ingredients necessary for their future.

Consider a bird gathering twigs for its nest. It knows what size the nest should be and how strong etc and so armed with this vision it goes looking for the right twigs to give it its desired nest! When it chooses a twig it tests it against the ’required’ characteristics of the nest. It rejects those that don’t give it what it will need (e.g. weak twigs, twigs that are too small). It looks for the desired length and cross section as it flies from branch to branch in search of the right material. So much engineering, thought and plan -with an end result in mind-goes into the project of nest building.

See when you have a strong vision about what you will require for the future, it acts as a natural sieve, a natural filter against things that are just not going to contribute to your broad goals. You take A but leave B, you acquire D but leave C on the shelf. Many of you are wasting such precious time and getting distracted by this and the other. If you had a clear vision of type of ‘nest’ you want to build and even before that, recognize that you are and we all are building some form of nest whether we are aware or not, then you are more likely to streamline your activities and save precious time!

At what point do you want to occupy your nest (I am talking time frame here)?

If you know what you are building and what you want to build, you will collect the right material and filter out the wrong. Some of us are all up on every website, every blog, every church etc etc just acquiring all sorts of ideas, approaches etc that we are essentially confused about what to use, even what direction to take next. An effective approach to life (what path to follow), can simply be achieved through understanding what the end goal is.

Everything and anything can sound sensible and relevant unless your nest specifications winnow out what isn’t relevant for what you are aiming to build.

For a good example I believe in the fight against inequality and racism etc however I wont bog myself down with sister soldiering for the race. There are dozens reasons why I wont however of key mention is that I have to live and make the best of life now and in addition I am at a time of life when I require absolute focus on my personal goals and not be involved in dissipating my energies here and there. So while the talk of ‘fighting white hegemony’ and all that can resonate with me on a level I don’t sign up for battle duties or throw myself into such activities except when there is a specific and strategic opportunity for doing so. I don’t do it as a way of life it doesn’t pay.

What about nest adjustments to your vision?
Even if at some point you think there is a need to restructure or reshape some aspect of your nest (because we all don’t know it all from the beginning), at least your initial vision gives you a basic structure to depart from or to tinker with.

Think about your nest (the general life you want for yourself which includes social, financial etc conditions you want to be enjoying in your life), then work back from there and come into the future, understanding what you need to be about, what you need to be doing and acquiring to live that future life.

Work from a vision, work from a plan and have a time frame.

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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Dear Halima

2011-07-15T15:46:00.002+01:00

Dear Halimah

I want to first say that I totally ‘get’ what BWE is saying in terms of black women putting themselves first and taking care of their needs, however I don’t think that we need to give up on the community as a whole (and even a desire to make it work with black men because that’s how we have a community in the first place right?).

Black men and women will have to join hands to do what is best for our community at some point or both of us will suffer the consequences even greater than today. I think black women’s lives will be poorer if they don’t at least try their utmost to restore the community. Black women can make it in white society but they will always be limited

Thank you for this email.

Over the last six years we have talked about a few issues on this blog and have in essence begun to repeat ourselves. This email affords the opportunity to speak specifically about this issue of black men and women in partnership over the race.

As I have said before, 'Black women caanot save the race/community (as we currently know it) all by themselves, both genders will have to be equally onboard' (lets keep aside for now the question of why black women would want to save a community in its current anti-black woman set up and formulation and assume that what we mean here is the positive bits of the black community).

In your email you seem to be suggesting that black men are there for black women to join hands with over the fate of the race. Is this true however?

Let me now state a basic assumption upon which I will tackle this question.

‘Men will always do what is best for them on an individual level’ (a high level of selfishness in their actions)

On the above you can be sure. And thus based on the above it is clear that:

Black men will only do what is ‘good for the community’, when this ‘good’ coincides with their personal benefit.

The next layers to this logical argument of mine is that:

‘Since what it will take to restore the community, requires selflessness and sacrifice (even a fool can compute this), you are not going to get a ‘buy in’ from a critical number of black men towards the black uplift effort that is, not in numbers that will make a difference!

Now somewhere out there I hear someone ask, ‘So how do other men do it then, if it is all about their selfish personal interests and they don’t give a damn about ‘the good’ of whatever community they are born into?’

The answer to that question is simply ‘higher principled living’.

Niall Ferguson expecting fourth child with Ayaan Hirsi Ali, the Somali-born writer

Ferguson dedicated his book Civilization to "Ayaan". In an interview with the Guardian Ferguson spoke about his love for Ali, who, he writes in the preface, "understands better than anyone I know what Western civilisation really means – and what it still has to offer the world".

Not every community faces the situation and conditions of the current black community so on that level most other men will not be required to make any extraordinary sacrifices or efforts to ‘keep their communities alive.’ Having said that however it is important to understand that you get men ‘contributing’ by instilling the ideas, ideals and principles that incline them towards this ‘contributing’ way of life from an early age, if this is what will be required of them (remember the Jesuit motto ‘Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man’!).

When you look at the most ‘basic’ things that black men need to do to uplift community it possibly boils down to this: cut off the option of eternal bachelorhood and having ‘offspring’ all over the place and instead ‘build a nest’ with one woman and raise your children in ‘optimal’ conditions. That’s essentially it. They dont need to make a million dollars or own multiple cars, even do anything beyond make the effort to bring in resources for their families (assisted of course by the efforts of the black female spouse).

The above isn’t even ‘higher principled living‘ by any standard apart from the fact that it isn’t the norm among black people and (this is an important and), the current conditions in the black community allows for black men to contribute little without any kind of social sanction and penalty. Thus it is pricipled living for black men to not want to 'do what is the norm' even exploit their advantages to live selfishly and without concern for the impact of their actions.

Black unity, ‘black together’ proponents would have you believe that black men will just do what they need to do for their people ‘just because’ or because of the 'goodness of their hearts' or with just a little encouragement from us, as if there hasnt been fundamental and fatal black social shift away from this happening.

Well I guess black men would lead principled lives if they had been reared in the values of ‘principled living’ from infancy but you see that that boat has been missed up until there is no going back, no possibility of a redress. A generation of self-centred, self-catering black men have been raised and are now in place.

Therefore any black woman trusting that black men will at a point ‘come through’ for their people is in fairy land.

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Here is something revolutionary

2011-07-07T22:28:00.002+01:00

You are the black community that you are looking outside of yourself to save!

Most black women get up, get an education, get a job and then they think, 'Now I must do my bit for the black community.' They ask, 'where is the next black community project so I might get stuck in saving or rescuing black folk.' What these black women do not realize is that 'they' are the black community that they are always looking outside themselves to save!

Think about that for a second. You are the black community you are looking outside to save.

You've heard the saying, 'The Kingdom of God is within you'. Its so apt a statement in this particular case.

Let me show you how this one works.

Say half a million black women suddenly 'got it' and realized that they are the black community they are always looking outside themselves to save, and that their first loyalty is to self and that all they need to do is secure themselves and their own situation financially and otherwise, find the best deal for them and their children who they plan to have in the best possible circumstances etc, and this is essentially all they need to do to 'uplift' the black community then guess what will happen in about ten years...

Ten years later they have children who are thriving and poised to be launched into the best in terms of what they can access in our society. These women are less stressed and their health is better, they have head space to look after their health unlike women who have their offspring in less than optimal circumstances and have to work three jobs and have no time for personal care even time to spend one on one time with their children.

In another twenty years there are over a million children from these mothers who are 'well adjusted', have the right values to succeed and thrive in the current social set up etc etc. The upwards spiral is thus in effect for this subgroup of black women and the children they have.

See how this goes.

On the other side are black women who 'dont get it', they continue things the way they are; squandering the advantages they have acquired by applying themselves to their studies by getting entangled in draining domestic situations that diminsh them, their offspring and cut off any potential they or their children might have. Their have their self esteem trashed so much so they begin to suffer other self esteem related issues eg mental health conditions, lack of confidence, overeating to cope with the disdain of black women and racio-misogyny they see around them, to also deal with the stress and pressure and rejection and the mule role they have been pushed into.

These women and their children will often require goverment assistance or their children have a high chance of ending up in the prison system.

Yes many of these women think they are 'elevating/helping out their black people' in the limits they place on themselves (we will not avail ourselves of interracial dating options) and the choices they allow themselves to make, or they are dissipating their rescources and the time they will never get back, camping at black churches or participating in activites that just end up counting for nought because the fundamental ingredients to bring the desired outcome are just not there (participating black men, parents that are participating in their cihildrens academic lives).

The irony (or should I say paradox according to popular wisdom) of it all is that given the current social reality of black women, those who look after themselves and are single minded about getting the best for them just cant help raising the next generation to be vibrant and to take their place as fully functioning members of society. The other camp who might even be working hard and pouring themselves out, and doing double shifts trying to help out the black situation end up in the center of a dynamic that leads them to have negative returns all round.

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

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The plan is to emasculate the Non black man who you are with!

2011-06-22T01:09:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I watched Lakeview Terrace, again. This is the film starring Samuel L. Jackson as an LAPD officer who wants to drive out the interracial couple played by Patrick Wilson and Kerry Washington from the neighbourhood.

Its amazing how certain nuances of the film jumped out at me the second time around. When Patrick's character says to Kerry's 'come on I am always taking shit off black guys because of our relationship', it really calls my attention. Here was a man, taking it in the stomach yet not feeling he could complain even to his wife who possibly is of the school of thought that white men are always ever the aggressor in any social interraction with black men. Indeed for the first half of the movie you do see Kerry trying to stick up for Samuels character even as her husband begins to detect that he hates the thought of them together. If the situation was reversed with Patrick's character disbelieving his black wife's claim about racism etc, it would be a big issue of which in real life the white man would possibly never live down!

However what stood out for me was the section when they are having this 'fight' across the fence with Samuel Jackson holding and wielding the electric saw at the couple. That bit was scary but I noted how Kerry's character was running in to 'rescue' her man and how Samuel's character picked on this and used that as a weapon, calling Patricks character '*8sy' and goading him by saying 'you want her to do the fighting for you' or words to that effect.

This particular part of the film reminded me of an incident that I witnessed last year. A young black girl was walking with what I can assume was her boyfriend, who looked part Asian, suddenly in broad daylight in the shoping mall, two black men accosted the couple. Before you could say 'jack' they were ready to beat the guy down. And as you may well all guess, the black girl ran in between to try and stop them. The girl kept saying 'No leave it, dont, leave it, lets go', to her companion.

I can only assume from how the girl was rushing to break up the situation, and how she said, 'No leave it', that the black men had said something nasty to the couple (as many bm seem to think they have a right to say as they of course should never be held to the same decency standards as everyone else) as they passed them and when the boyfreind responded to them, they set about trying to beat him up indeed to underscore how they, black men, are 'real men' and of course make him less than a man in the eyes of the girl.

The sad thing here is that by running to 'save her man' and stand in the middle, this black girl was still playing to the tune of the emasculation campaign, because women are not supposed to be saving their men from other men.

Black women cannot win for loosing in these situations because doing the sensible thing which is to try to break up the situation, would mean making him less than a man and I am very sure just like the Samuel Jackson character, such a meaning is not lost of many bm out there who provoke such situations to reinforce notions about how they are more men than any others and also to stir insecurities that 'the non black partner will never be the man in this relationship'.

I remember feeling very angry that day and I think, it was because I was picking up this subtext of the poor bw being in bind, a no win situation of which whatever she does would play into the undermining of her partner. I was also perplexed that many bm actually feel in this 21st century that it is their right to accost bw and non black men and say mean and hurtful things, the same group of men who would cry racism and victimisation if someone else did the same to them!

In the situation that unfolded I can see how the bw would immediately jump in to intervene. He could be seriously injured in a fight especially with two men but if she moves to break up the situation as she did it still looks like a woman having to defend a man who is not up to the job.

There is another thing there and that is that many bw even in such situations, would still have sympathies stationed with black men. Many still try to 'defend' and 'see with' bm. Many interpret bm's reactions as the response of those who are frustrated by racism, injustice (as if this excuses their direct hateful actions) and oppression, not as the deliberate activities of malicious 'brothas' who want to reassert their masculinity and ownership over others, even if others are hurt by their actions.

It is important for bw to realize that many black men who will confront you and your partner are aiming for his masculinity, either directly or by getting you to do it by launching yourself at the situaion!

Like Kerry Washingtons character in Lake View Terrace, many bw also cannot get out of the notion, that it is always the black man who needs defending or who becaue of having less social power than the white man cannot be the aggressor in any interraction with white men etc. But by reasoning thus, you are in essence allowing a situation where bm will be able to act with impunity against you and yours. Whether white or non black men have greater social agency, leverage or power than black men, does not mean that black men do not see when and how they can capitalize on notions of their powerlessness etc to afford them cover to deal their 'rivals' grievious blows!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

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What counts as 'First Move'?

2011-06-06T01:19:00.000+01:00

I came across a post about 'who makes the first move?'. I was wondering what your thoughts are on a bw making the first move with a wm. I must admit that I feel it is a risky venture for black women.

There are a couple of fears expressed by black women as to why they would prefer not to make the first move with white men. Firstly many black women subscribe to dating 'gender roles' of being 'pursued' as opposed to being the 'pursuer' and do believe that it is a loosing game plan to pursue a man who will then never 'pull his weight' in the relationship or respect her from then on even if he takes what she has to offer. However where black women would be happy to pursue in an in-race dating situation they get cold feet about trying out this protocol outside race.

One reason is that a white man coming across is a strong indicator that at least he is 'non racist', and has given some thoughts and even 'prepared' himself for what interracial dating might mean. Of course this is all 'ideal' thinking because many folks, 'dont even know they dont know' however when a black woman goes over first, she might go up to a man who might be holding her race against her (which is now increasingly the case with black men as well these day!), she might be going up to a man who hasnt prepared himself for interracial dating (which has its own social hurdles). Yes and unfortnately we do not date in a social vacuum, one two many stares and an unprepared white man who was at first blown away by a black woman's beauty etc might suddenly decide he just cant deal. 'I wasnt really convinced you came unto me remember,' is not exactly what a woman wants to hear!

The problem however is how black women define first move. Many black women are paralyzed at the thought of saying 'Hi' and think this is a ‘first move’. Starting a conversation? well thats all sorts of multiple first moves right there! lol

I pitch first move as you saying you are interested explicitly, and 'lets go on date' kind of thing, but thats me, so I would like readers to weight in here (male and female) and with scenerio examples if possible. Lets loosen some mental chains!

How would 'the first move' appear to you?

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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The Primary Reason why BWE are the Real Champions of Black Women (Update)

2011-05-29T08:34:00.010+01:00

The primary reason why we as BWE are in black women’s corner:

The mark of a real bw champion is their willingness to ‘uncouple’ bw from black community. Yes a willing to ‘decommunity’ bw, is the main sign of a real black woman champion.

Why? you ask...well the reason is clear, ‘community’ is now the main site of oppression of black women, anyone who loves black women would seriously consider the argument of black women being 'unbonded' from it. Its that simple!

If you look at most of the analysis for black women out there (whether they are by womanists, black feminsists etc), it still very much considers black women entities 'the community'. Black women are still enscribed in community and are still analyzed as beings of the black community, community agents, black community bound, their destinies and lives to be traced out only within these confines and terms.

BWE are willing to unyoke black women from ‘community’ if it will save their lives, keep them sane, prevent them from being worked to death, provide a measure of protection, ensure their resources do not become the possession of others, if it will enable them meet their dreams and goals. To BWE the work which bw do or what they are to their community, is not more important than the health and well-being of black women itself!

BWE are willing to ‘loose her and let her go’. Ask yourself, which other justice group even those that claim to be all about bw are willing to go as far as to say, ‘Black woman, you are now more in danger from within so our models and frameworks need to take this into account and to ensure the survival of bw we will be willing to go as far as detach her from our community-bound, and community-based models if necessary'.

True champions of bw put bw first, not behind the use and purpose of black women to their communities. They can imagine bw living a life outside its boundaries. Those unwilling to separate bw from the community role and community locating contribute to her oppression

Another reason why BWE are really in bw cornerWe give black women the information that others (in particular the black community) suppresses in order to keep black women limited in range and tracing out their lives only in the limits of community. Since BWE came into being there has been an explosion of very empowering, important and eye opening information for black women to use towards living well and thriving and getting ahead.

Contd

The question is indeed in need of asking, why hasn’t black feminism brought forth new ways of looking at the black woman’s situation that could be of practical use and benefit to black women NOW in her current situation and with the nature of her current threat. Black women are indeed in a bad way yet all we get is ineffective and outdated theories that do not address the current needs of black women!

From these ‘learned’ women we have nothing but the usual ‘complaining’ about the wider system. There is nothing to address the current nature of black female oppression, the battering of black women’s image and self esteem (this time not by whites but by black men). Maybe this is why they have absolutely nothing to say nor any solution to suggest (because black feminism/womanism was all about facing the outward enemy i.e. the white man and thus has come to the limit of its operation and ability now that the white man is no longer the biggest problem of black women).

So each day the situation gets worse and the black woman is at the point that she rises daily and wonders, ‘who is going to trash my image, today? what next? what is going to be dished at me this time?’

Indeed black men have now established a culture of besmirching black womanhood to all and sundry. Wesley Snipes's statement about black women (which marks the beginning of this defaming of black womanhood culture) would now be deemed 'harmeless' in comparison to the brutal savaging that marks the utterences of the black men who followed and built on his example.

But what have black feminists said about this current manifestation of misogyny directed at black women? I mean its not like we haven’t had numerous examples of it happening for black feminists to know that it isn’t a fluke, a one-off but now a cultural reality. What has been put forward? What theory has been created around which a fight-back could be organized? Nothing.

Instead we are left hanging and besmirching of black womanhood is now so entrenched it is almost an unreported weekly occurrence. So why no response, why no ‘news conference’, I mean aren’t black feminists suppose to respond to the latest threat, the latest targeting of black womanhood from wherever it comes especially in this case where it creates a situation where others feel it is ok to have a go at black women. I mean I thought that they black feminists are suppose to note and to pick up and indeed have something to say about anything that threatens the black woman and her standing in society. I guess not!

Despite the mounting number of cases of black men doing what they are doing you hardly see any analysis presented on what this is or how it needs to be addressed as a threat to black women. Even the most famous black feminist blogs pretend they do not see this increasingly frequent and mainstream phenomenon. They think it is not worth commenting on, I mean it is no biggey I suppose ((sarcasm off)).

If ever they do respond its to position it as an event that requires the response ‘its the actions of an a&sre ehole,’ not that these increasing occurences have strategic and far reaching implications on black womanhood. Not as something that requires rethinking our frameworks and base line assumptions of who is with us and who is against us!

Black women are receiving some of the worse image battering ever and the implications and possible damage is even greater because it was mostly internal (and thus creates an open season condition where others see black women as fair game given that black men do it too).

Black women’s self-esteem is being torn down daily but as for the black feminists, they spend an inordinate amount of time and energy defending and refusing to let go of the assumptions and models of their current feminist framework that have done and continue to do nothing for black women, indeed these analysis and models ‘refuse’ to acknowledge the current reality which is that black men are now the primary threat to black women (and no not in some minor, irritating way) and not because they have ‘internalized’ some stuff, but their actions show deliberateness and a deliberate decision to target black women.

Black feminist models, the ones they prefer, are those that baulk from challenging black men’s activities and those that ‘insist’ on not taking black male threat seriously enough to have something concrete and definite to say.

Yep, to take black men head on, to call the situation for what it is, these feminist would have to ‘seismically’ shift from the current black feminist thought moorings and you know they cant do that. You know how closely they have to align with the current models endorsed by the ‘progressive’ gallery, even if these do absolutely nothing for the black woman’s situation.

Then maybe they are too far into ‘academia’ to really see how the game has changed. Indeed one can become really disconnected from how things really are on the ground and thus the usefulness of their ’suggestions’ when in academia.

BWE are the ones making the difference because we respond to what black women’s current reality is, we do not try to pretend nothing has changed or that there hasn’t been a rearrangement of the chess board and today the little measure of protection that black women might achieved could well come from white people, white places and white structures. I guess this is the intolerable truth to it all.

History will judge those who don’t have the courage and strength to do the right thing harshly!

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Mud sticks and BWE are the real Champions of black women make no mistake!

2011-05-19T11:35:00.004+01:00

I wrote this blog post a couple of days ago and had a few things to add before publishing, and then the story of 'psychology today's' article broke.

I just have a few sentences to add to what has already been written. I will start by saying 'mud sticks'.

I hear and see people pointing out the so called doctor's crappy methodology and labelling him 'stupid' etc for not even being able to follow simple research methods, and producing a research analysis that even a high schooler would be ashamed to put their name to, but in calling Santoshi a stupid person unworthy of a PHD, maybe we have fallen for his rouse big time.

See I find it hard to believe that a lecturer in London School of Economics doesn’t know how to make a logic argument or follow applicable and acceptable research methodology or didnt know that his approach would be taken apart in all of two seconds. His methods were just so ... substandard that you just have to consider that Santoshi's objective wasnt ever to do sound research and reach sound research conclusions, and wasn’t only about controversy and page clicks but was about dumping something into public domain that black women would forever struggle with.

I can hear people in years to come saying something like, 'wasn’t there a study done some years back that proved that black women were unattractive/had more testosterone/were more masculine?' Read more on this next big urban myth that will circulate for years to come

Before I go into other 'deep' issues I want to write an 'ode' to something fascinating that I have watched happen for the last five years.

Very close to where I live, there is a nest of swans. Each year for the past five years I have watched the same couple come to the same place, to lay half a dozen or more eggs and over three months hatch them and take their little cygnets off down the river till they are strong and self sustaining. It has been awesome watching the little ones taken for their first swim and then watch their grey downy feather turn white, over the months as they follow their parents. It is a sight that has delighted me for these many years in fact as soon as it is spring I wait expectantly for their arrival. Sometime in early March I heard a perculiar 'bark' and I just new inside that they had come back to nest and yes indeed the next day they were there preparing the nest and soon they had laid five blue grey eggs and we are expecting hatchlings any day now.

I dont know how long I will be blessed with this marvelous display of commitment, something some human's cant even muster-who indeed knows how long they will continue to be fertile or their lifespan- but I love watching them take turns sitting on the eggs and love watching the male 'case' the area for danger and ward off dogs that sometimes wonder near! Two years ago I thought to write something but didnt get round to it, so this year I want to say, 'respect, respect' to the inspiring 'couple.'

Activists in the BWE Family are the real champions of black women

BWE blogs and blogs in the family of BWE are the only ones who really have a focus on championing and defending black women.

A couple of years ago I got into a kind of debate/argument with one of the so called leading womanist activists and one of her 'phd' backers. I believe it was around the time of the dunbar village rape. I remember that that 'womanist' who was purported to be 'working in the trenches' was more worried about the police who would now be patrolling 'our communites' because of what happened and how this wasnt what we wanted indeed, we didnt want them coming for our sons and brothers and husbands!

I remember that when I raised the issue of Justice for the woman she and her PHD backer made the idea seem all wrong and sordid, indeed it was wrong and immoral for us and even the woman to want justice and to seek justice throught the channels provided by society! They started talking about 'mediation' and peacemaking in our communtites, in fact a couple of others who joined the argument started saying that the justice system would even oppress the woman and she wouldnt be 'guaranteed' any justice anyway, so why bother!

Christ in his highest heaven. I think that was the day I realized how useless a good portion of womanism and black feminsism had become to black women and their current reality.

Indeed black feminsist who have forgotten who should be their first concern! Instead they are more worried about ensuring that the only measure of protection that black woman have in this case i.e. the police, are prevented from coming into the situation. I know that Whataboutourdaughters also got flack for using hard language in her outrage at the heinous act perpetrated against the black woman, see because in all this their focus was never black woman. they were even more worried and spent lots of energy warning against the use of 'inflammatory langauage'.

Since black folks and many degreed bw, enjoy proving how educamated they are, their wonderful debating prowess and how many ways they can apply theories (drawn up by others mind you) and spin an impressive argument or take a certain theory to amazing lengths on the strength of their 'intellect', it is not suprising that something that is simple and straight forward as being the advocate for the black woman in the situation (I mean since you identify yourself as a black feminist and all that), suddenly becomes anything but! Indeed I sometimes go online and read a number of blogs by black women who are 'read' and all I can see them doing is trying to prove how 'amazingly' brillant and wonderfully 'au fait' they are with all sorts of progressive theories! Thats all it is about for them, displaying their skillz and their intellect whether black women are lying dead in the street or not. I know the 'academic' feminist was more worried about the langauage used by black women online who were understandably outraged over the whole issue, and how it would stigmatize black people and would encourage racists to start putting their oar in! See because black women have to be all concerened about all those other worries, and have to be careful about their language and use the correct words even as they are beaten into the ground.

I thought long and hard about that incident and it scared me that black women who we are all looking to to develop theories and analysis that would help the black woman plight (a deadly an insidious warfare going on against black women and from which many black women have no protection because they are naive and unaware) are the ones actually advicing black women to submit to more yokes, and chains.

Am I saying all black womanists/feminsist are this way? No but I think we are past the days of the vibrant kind of black feminsism that gave us intersectionality. The bulk of what is being produced online by many who declare themselves black feminsist/womanists is not inspiring, is chasing shadows and is even down right scary in that it encourages black women to remain in loosing situations and losing dynamics!

To these woman bw are simply a hammer, a tool to weild against any oppressive system, bridge builders, gap closers, healing bringers for their community. Essentially thats the use and purpose of black women and what they personally need out if the situation...well who cares.

To be contd

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What are your plans for improving your fortunes?

2011-05-06T11:38:00.000+01:00

I once told a freind of mine that black women are the hardest folk to sell to particularly innovative products that make you effective in what you already do. This is because black women often do not have a plan to 'get ahead' of the pack. Note I said 'get ahead of the pack'. See there is the general, 'progressing in life', and there is the 'getting ahead of the pack'. Many black women do the former but have no clue re the later in fact many feel doing the later is somehow 'wrong'. Yep I was talking to a another freind about how someone plotted their course strategically to get what they wanted and she wrinkled her nose and said eww, as if the woman had done something immoral! lol. I reflected on how it is that this freind is 'where she is' in life.

Improving your fortunes beyond getting what is coming towards you 'naturally' even logically seems to be looked upon as an 'evil art' among bw. Other women however have aggressive plans to put themselves in front or on the map or out ahead. And so while black women wrinkle their noses as they zoom past, these women live the life.

You have to honestly get past the notion that strategically planning and plotting your success course to be ahead of your peers is wrong or evil. I live in a seriosuly class based society here and one of the ways that the class system is kept alive is by imparting a sense of 'wrongness' to the idea of striving and wanting to better oneself and be rich etc. There are all sorts of names used to describe the upper classes like 'toffs' etc, to confer the notion that nobody would want to be 'liek them'. But note that the 'toffs' are living better, healtheir and longer lives. Note that the upper classes already have the structure and norms, money and family arrangements and networks that make 'getting ahead', natural and normal. The working class doesnt and so anyone from the working class who wants to make it needs to be 'purposeful' in their actions and activities towards getting to the top, and it is this purpose that others are trying to stamp down by making it seem immoral to want to be rich etc! Replace I want to be rich with 'I want to live well, live healthier by having access to private health care, personal training, i want to buy my mother a house or give her that hip replacement operation she needs etc' and you might just shake loose that inculcated, 'slimy feeling' to the idea of wealth and riches that is really keeping you from the path to wealth.

Beacuse other women have agressive (and I dont mean they fight but they are dilligent), self elevation plans, they often inspire inventions and innovations to products. They in turn see a product and immediately know how they can 'plug it into' their current plans to give them the acceleration they need in any area.

Weightloss, body toning, dress, style, hair products etc, I am not so sure that black women are often left behind when it comes to innovation, because of racism and lack of numbers. I think as a group it is noted that we often do not respond appropraitely to innovation because, 'what we need that for anyway'. We are not looking to overtake and move out in front so we dont know what to do with some of these 'inventions'. Indeed it is only those who are working some plan that see the reason why they should have a stronger rope, stronger ship, car or what have you.

Many black women have internalized the idea that 'we are to be at the back', not in so many words but as an inchoate notion, like a slight beat they march their lives to (this is one reason why I tell black women to fully think through some of the feelings they respond ardently to because often the fully crystallized idea is one of black women's inferiority but many of us dont acertain this because we are happy to subcribe to 'unsquared' logic, feelings, impressions than really understand the full idea being presented).

I know that many others are involved in pushing black women back in line when they do poke up their heads and want to aim for the front of the queue. From infancy, they find a way to 'quell' any inherent striving for the 'front' that a young black girl may be displaying by making this desire out to be bad even inordinate for a black woman. They may even laugh or mock her or magnify a little set back so she doesnt try again. I have seen even black women who sense that a young black girl is 'reving' her engines come up to her and 'tuck' her back into the ranks. I have seen black women respond to me in this way and 'act out' when I refuse to step back into the black woman's 'formation'.

The saddest thing is that sometimes it is not malicious, this is just bw 'knowing their place.' People even black women have a 'place' they think black women should occupy and black women come along and enforce it and reinforce it in any advice, suggestion, even allocation they give to you as a black woman.

You must recognize that the signifcant portion of black women are acting like robots in terms of their place and position in society and you must understand that unlike them, you have a plan to get to the front, and so you must wisely manouver and trick them till you are there or else they will thwart your plans!

Yes this is not the pretty nice PC talk that refuses to even mention the ugly side of sisterhood. Remeber many are just autopilots in these issues and would even be offended if you pointed out that you are seeing a pattern in how they are reacting to you the black woman and how they are positioning you for less and lack. They would jump up all indignant, and their white liberal freinds would even add their 'how could you accuse them of such a dreadful thing' comments. But you know and you see, therefore dont say much, just put a mental distance if not physical distance between you and them. As Jesus said, 'They know not what they do!'

The unexamined is the enemy of black woman because naturally we are allocated for 'less', therefore anything people just do without thought, any ideas that they think sounds sensible for you, is likely to be aligning itself eith the general notions that permeate society about how black women are due less etc.

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding (proverbs 23:23)

I am of the firm belief that this scripture was written especially for black women. Black wonen are surrounded by wrong advice and wrong advsers deliberate and otherwise. They are swimming in a sea of it, mothers, fathers, pastors, counsellors, yes even those who are suppose to be giving the right advice when it comes to black women, something 'kicks in' and the advice changes to one which is meant to secure black women in lack and limitation. There seems to be an inherent need inbuilt into society and all societal agents to steer black women 'wrong'. The fear that black women might just pull away from their subservient role in society and kick off folks riding on her back, is real and deep.

I expect any serious black woman to spend a significant portion of rescources on getting the right advice. i would even go as far as to suggest that black women avoid black information portals (those that position themselves to be speaking from the black perspective not like BWE who are challenging anything up to 90% of what passes for black 'wisdom' ). These black portals want to keep their class of slaving black women and any and everything they say to you will aim to keep you locked in this position.

The black woman serious about her future needs to be a researcher, a woman who never plays with wisdom but would rather skip two meals in a row to buy wisdom! When I see black women quibble over $200 for a book or service that she needs, I know they are not ready for victory. When you need something, you make sacrifices, work the extra hours, etc to get the information that will take you to the next level. You are not going to get to the next level in life holding tightly to money when you need to use it as a tool to get to your future. Invest in your mind, in information, counsellors, trainers, gurus, innovative products and solutions...I dont care if it costs you $1,000! Someone out there has the innovative solution to solve that issue blighting your life. Yes do your research well, but I would happily spend $50 on a product that didnt work on my way to a product that does! Whats 50 bucks to you moving to the next level in life.

And to that commentor that said that $200 match maker service is expensive, way to miss the point. I wonder whether you have made any progress in your search while holding tight to your money. Indeed thats the point, many of you who have a death grip on money are not doing anything towards reaching their goals in other ways!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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When parents set their offspring up for great things

2011-04-26T00:08:00.001+01:00

Apparently Kate (in line to be the next Queen of England) has Pig Farmers as forebears

Like Evia always says, the female card is the strongest card in the deck. The fact that this is a mans world means that 'any' woman has the potential to get into a lineage or inheritance, that would be deemed 'out of her league', simply because she is a woman and no one can stop it or do anything about it even if they wanted to!

Folks are setting their children up for great things.

I have among my cuttings an example of a couple who got their unborn daughter a place in a prestigeous school in London. Yes a place was secured before the girl was even born! Thats how serious some people are about their childrens future and indeed their futures. When you ask many bw to 'plan their families' with a little care, they become outraged and insist that it is their right to have offsrping in the most 'insecure' circumstances as they choose. Yep they insist that they have a right to prefer to have families were government intervention is critically needed. Families where they will just 'get by' on a wing and a prayer, where they dont even plan beyond the birth, and from then on simply live for the day!

Yet we live in a time and age where some parents plot the trajectory of their offspring with such precision that they enter such rarefied worlds, and circles from where 'things' are controlled.

Everything about Kate Middleton points to the fact that her parents were preparing her, not for a 'mean marriage', but for a marriage into riches, prestige and status. Everything from her upbringing, choice of schools, decorum etc etc shows that some people are awake not asleep when it comes to positioning their children to move into that 'higher level' of living!

Congrats to Kate and William

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

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It seems that many black women want to be 'rewarded' with a Husband

2011-04-11T00:32:00.009+01:00

A whole host of black women think that they will be 'gifted', rewarded or given husbands due to dilligence, hardwork or 'faithfullness' particulalry in church or around black community.

I know that this has to do with the fact that most bw have a Christian life -approach and how they tend to apply this approach across board which leads to total ineffectual responses to the demands of life.This is about being so willing to be work furiously doing something totally tangent to what you want to achieve because of being so afraid to really confront what it is really that you want and strategize and work on it directly.

We've talked about something similar before and recently Evia saliently highligted the fact that many bw hide out in church to avoid developing the skills and attributes necessary to take on modern life.

In truth many bw are afraid they dont have what it takes to confront life and win. A good number of bw are deathly afraid of the world and you will note the need for hiding behind or away from the wider world sublimated into 'protestations' of being so enamoured by and with everything black or everything christian that they just dont want to be around others (self-segregation) or engage in understanding their wider world. I have said this before that when i see black women reading ardently on trains or buses, 7/10 times it has to do with christianity; it is a bible or a religious pamplet that proposes to teach them '7 prayers for victory' etc!

Am I saying that religion, faith, reading the bible is wrong? Absolutely not however many black women do not have any other frame or lens to view the world or life in general. This is very limiting. Consider that black women are purported to be some of the most 'religious' women around yet what do they have to show for their religious zeal, if not some of the worse social statistics and wealth rates. Something is indeed not adding up!

You will note that many black women would rather be in church all day and everyday spending 7 hours praying or working in church etc than spend two hours a week doing something that directly enables them meet their goal of marriage etc eg a simple online profile. They want a man to be 'given' to them as a reward for service rather than drectly take on the task of doing what will lead to that outcome, and dont forget there are so many preachers and teachers fueling this notion that, 'God will reward such faithfulness' where faithfulness is conviniently defined as toiling in little church XYZ, and giving half of your income to said church. Passgaes in scripture are pointed to as 'proof', that one need only 'pray' like Hanna, or just keep 'working hard in the house of God' (Read pentecostal church XYZ). Indeed many churches are built around capitalizing on black women's fear and lack of courage in facing the world. They manage the risk of living for bw (by allaying her fears, claiming they will provide her the teaching to smoothen the path, and also be a place where bw can run to for support which essentially means prayer) but as with any insurance broker or agency that manages risk on behalf of others, it isnt free. So black women actually expend more time and energy in attending to her needs through the framwork of faith/church than if she boldly went out there and put together her own plan for securing her wants and needs.

I remember a couple of years ago, I was at one of these church conferences that lasts days. As I was exiting the morning session I noted a young lady sweeping and clearing up. When I came back later I saw her still at work. The next day she was there again. I went up to her to commend her for her dedication and I dont know how a couple of other women joined in but I recall one of the women said something like, 'When you are faithful, God gives you what you want in fact sister ABC over there has just gotten married...' I think we all more or less agreed that God rewards those who are faithful however even then I was a bit worried about the whole notion of God sending a man because we were 'faithful' in church. But even then I could see how tempting and ensnaring an idea that could be indeed:

Rather than take the time to put myself together I can simply pray loads and God will send it as a gift.
Rather than get my self presentation right, I can attend church group meetings, clean the toilets at church (all the while talking about how God looks at the heart and a righteous brother will always be looking at the heart and for a prayer warrior anyway!) and God will see my hearts desires and grant it.

'Halima's Interview with Offbeat Marriage'

The angle of this 'supernatural reward', is a key reason why many bw continue to remain in churches were, it is physically impossible for even 1/3 to get men because these men are just not there. They are so convinced that it will come about in one of those supernatural, last minute, dont-know-how-it-could-have-but-it-did ways they are constantly regalled with in church! I once heard a Pastor note that one of his best selling series was on 'supernatural transference of wealth from the world into the hands of Christians'. No suprises there!

A similar situation happens with many black women who matyr themselves for race or undertake needless hardships 'for their people', and how they often announce these in gatherings as if to say, 'well I bankrupted myself or let myself be used etc so come on, where is my reward'!

No one is going to reward you for living a shortchanged life even if you think this was your 'swing' for your race. I am well aware that many times bw are asked to pitch in especially into some black man's scheme,with a 'vague' promise of a coming reward for black women if they continue to believe and persevere and dont give up on black men, black people etc. Once again we see how the faith/christian frame is applied inappropraitely, indeed having faith in 'my people' or 'believing a black man is promised you' is not biblically premised although looking at many black women you could get the impression it is. Many hold it in their hearts as if it is written somewhere in the new testament!

If you apply 'faith' in this way under some pseudo-christian sentiment you cannot hold anyone else or God responsible if you never achieve what you are holding out for; things God never promised.

The black woman will not be 'lifted up' or decorated with medals for living out a self-negating and life limiting existence on behalf of race. On that you can be sure!

As a black women there is no opting out of doing what you need to do to get ahead in life. You must be effective and develop effective protocols and you must set about it now!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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Q: Halima how do I get going on this interracial dating thing?

2011-03-30T03:02:00.000+01:00

Hi Halima, I really want to get serious about getting 'hitched,' soon. I want to start prospecting my interracial opportunities, and this might sound strange and naive for a 35 year old but, how do I get started?

Self Search approach (going out, networking)
Accelerated Self Search (eg online ads that work for you even while you sleep and drives more 'tracffic' than you could ever achieve on a one-to-one personal self search approach, I add speed dating because of the volume of prospective partners you make contact with )
Advanced professional search through agencies eg matchmakers

If you are a black woman over a certain age and you know for yourself that time is against you (every one has to decided what their time scales are for themselves but you have to be really honest with yourself here), then I suggest you shell out money for a matchmaker, and then add accelerated self search and self search to the mix.

But Halima, 'I dont have the money,' I hear you say.

You are actually paying for 'time' with a matchmaker service because it could take you in excess of 2 years to move from a relationship to a marriage. How much is that time worth to you? Would it really make a difference to you if you were married in six months, or a years time. For some women 6 months difference is critical? Are you this woman. Indeed take out the old calculator and calculate how much 'months' are worth in terms of dating and marriage, you might just find that the matchmaker fees are no longer a big deal, in fact it is good value!

The self search approach is very linear ie you meet one guy, you date, four months later it's off, you get back in the game maybe a month later, you date three months, its serious, you talk marriage, 6 months later you are married when you can get all the family to be there (you know this is just all too ideal isnt it yet this little scenerio here has cost you 1 year and 2 months). How much is it worth in monetary terms if you could possibly (I say possibly) slash the time to half that?

The matchmaker essentially saves you anything up to one and half years by matching you with men who 1)Have already clarified their desires around marriage etc (ie she/he will match you with only those who desire marriage if thats what you require) 2) Are likely working to a similar time table as you. With the self search approach, it is usual for the 'desires' around marriage to emerge as the relationship progresses and while its all well and good for things to develop 'organically' sometimes that would mean taking forever. The matchmaker works backwards from this approach.

The matchmaker also matches you with the qualities you prefer or desire which you could search years to get a good mix on.

A 20 year old I would suggest should focus on the self-search and maybe an accelerated self-search because time might not be as much as an issue and they need to grow and develope in their understanding of what they want from men (which dating teaches). With the older woman it is not much about 'learning' as it is about now finding.

Before anyone rushes off to sign up to any ol match maker I want to make it plain now that very few matchmakers out there are set up to do an adequate 'service' to black women. Its a sad fact but true (If you have any information of good matchmaker services please do drop a comment or email me so I can share these). Many just have men on their books, men who may say they are 'open' but are not aware they are really not (this is true and it happens quite a lot). So there could be a number of false starts. To be of clear use to a black woman client, they would usually have to administer a specific questionaire to find out details for starters around race and racial attitudes etc that would be meaningful around interracial dating at least to black women.

I hope this posts higlights the key message that I want to bring to black women out there, that, many of you are doing absolutely nothing significant towards your goal of marriage and family and this is another year on from the date you said you were going to be really serious about this stuff!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

The deliberate lowering of the Intellect and why black people practice this art

2011-03-28T14:42:00.000+01:00

Lets just face it, with black folks, you are dealing with people who don’t want to elevate their thinking, their discourse, and this is so that they can remain at a place where all sorts of evil, strange outdated thinking etc remain plausible and allowed/excused.

We see it clearly in the recent rape case of an 11 yr old. I was on a website recently where a good segment of the black folks were arguing ‘she didn’t report the incident so it wasn’t rape’. To say that I was alarmed was an understatement (these were both male and female mind you).

You can almost see that these folks ’thinking’ had docked somewhere in the 1950’s, an age were the social norms on rape suited them just fine. Imagine living or working around such folks who refuse to come into progressive thinking, imagine what kinds of danger these ones pose to you in so many areas where their thinking is backwards.

Indeed, even when folks tried explaining, that ‘an 11 year old cannot consent to sexual activity‘, these same folks didn’t ‘come up to speed’, instead they continued to try to anchor themselves in their preferred state of mind over this issue, so they came up with arguments like, ’she did X and Y so she wanted it etc etc’, ‘where was the mother‘ (as if lack of parental supervision means black men have a right to ‘go for it‘).

The concept of ‘a minor cannot consent’ just couldn’t ‘stick’ as if it was some ‘rocket science‘ concept being explained to them.

And you know it was all too clear it was ’deliberate,’ this inability to process simple concepts that the rest of society is able to comprehend no problem.

The other scary thing here, was that the notion that children should be protected not seen as prey even when they do ’childish’ things (which is what children do) or escape parental supervision etc etc was so alien to the folks arguing about the guilt of an 11 year old that it was just so unbelievable! In my mind and as I have written, this was another clear sign that the black group is on its way out; the fact that there is no ’protectiveness’ towards the young particularly young black girls who carry the next generation. Even animals protect their young by instinct because how else would they continue to exist but even this most fundamental understanding escapes a good portion of black folk.

Reprobate minds.

You could imagine were the world would be in its ‘thinking’ if the notions circulating within black communities were to be the ideas governing general society. Lord have merci!

Do you see how behind many black people insist on being in their thinking, so they can continue to operate in ‘era’ where certain actions, lack of accountability were permitted them. Indeed, the world has moved on from ‘she asked for it’, we now have the concept of ‘grooming’, a concept that many black males and people insist on not recognizing so they can continue their evil predilections towards minors and claim ‘she asked for it’.

This is why I urge black women to flee black gatherings especially those the propose to ‘discuss’ black issues. There is a peculiar ’reasoning’ that circulates among black folks, which is seen as rational among them, but ‘mainstream’ looks at black folks and they think WTF!

This is why if I need to be among black folks, I have my mental ‘tin foil hat’ because I just know I am going to come across some deep mind bending nonsense that black folks will just start co-signing and agreeing with, and I will think I am in some parallel planet! The longer you stay in such environments among such warped reasoning the more trained in its practice you become, very soon your thinking patterns begin to bend into those ways of thinking until your emotions will begin to ‘accept’ as plausible all sorts of back to front notions that are endorsed by black people. This is one reason why bw have trouble even thinking in a straight forward way about their life and issues and how they can get the best out of life. They have spent far too long with ‘warped thinking’ environments that they have become ‘trained’ in the protocols and how to think in convoluted fashions in fact they become warped thinkers per excellence.

Escape to mainstream circles because much more rationality prevails in those spaces.

One of the negative things that happened when black people closed ranks to offer protection to themselves was that they created an outer shield/barrier to modernising forces that have over time arisen to operate in wider society. So when wider society ’moved on’ towards more progressive ideals and ideas, black spaces remain in older thinking regimes; thinking that allows black men free reign over their environments all justified under the notion of ’preserving’ black.

No wonder when I read black newspapers my mentality takes a dive but reading even mainstream right leaning papers, and my brain activity picks up because aside from the ‘right leaning’ which can be identified and filtered, they still have a duty to a level of commonsense and sensibleness that I find very few black papers and opinion columns feel they need to have ‘because it is a black thing‘.

Coming into 'modern' and 'forward' thinking means moving beyond animal instincts and animalistic lusts, it means being accountable, it means moving beyond yourself to care about fellow humans and it means ‘carrying your own weight,‘ and that’s what many black males are resisting when they insist they don’t understand about things like ‘minors cannot consent to sexual relations’ or ‘you have a responsibility for birth control as much as the woman‘ etc etc.

I remember a radio discussion the other day by one of the BWE bloggers, and do you know for the one and half hour program, each black man that came on was on a level of ‘Yo wassup' 'You say black man this and that.’ They pitched so low you could have been on another topic entirely. They refused to come up to the level of the discourse at all, and it is all deliberate as I say, because not coming up means preventing the discussion from building up to a meaningful discussion that can usher change 'So yes lets keep it a joke or a level of 5 year olds.' Ever wondered why comedians are the first choice when black people bring a panel together to discuss important and critical topics especially about the situation of bw? Well its not to inject humour its to keep things at a non serious level, to use joked and humour to keep it at a 'non transformatory' pitch, the intent is 'lets just chat and do like we are having serious actionable discussions but we expect you to go back to your posts after this light interlude'.

Listen to any blog talk etc and it is almost standard that bm come in at such a low level, that you can feel and hear people lowering their own thinking just to accommodate for it, and by so doing, the conversation remains at a 'non ignition' level and doesn’t soar to the heights it needs and really touch on the key points and be mind-changing and galvanizing as it should. I have also noticed that because bm come in at such a low pitch, any black man who mkes even 'half sense' gets a lot of ‘stars’ from the women. I mean he can pith low too but just a bit higher than the rest and bw are almost all dancing in the streets for the sense in a brothers words, I mean since sense in bm is rare and all that.

Selfish focus and exclusion from world decisions
There is a reason why the world's most important decisions are not in the hands of black contries, why we are not participating in global discussions around preserving humanity and preserving resources for the next generation (Obama as a black figure head does not count). When a people are so focused on their own ‘bellies‘, when people are seen to be so myopic and short term thinkers who refuse to think even one generation up, and would consume the worlds recourses in one season if left to them, then of course they will be deemed too dangerous to be allowed anywhere near major world decisions.

They are seen as nothing but infants to be chaperoned and controlled least they destroy important things. They are children who are relegated to the sidelines in such important world issues. When western folks are talking about green issues, saving planets and African countries leaders cannot think even beyond buying their latest Jets to ferry their bevy of girlfriends around.

I was at a maternal death conference the other day and there was this global 'map' on maternal deaths as well as who was giving what, and just as expected the places with highest maternal deaths gave the least amount (proportionally) to programs designed to prevent the occurence of maternal deaths in their own countries!

As can well be guessed, most maternal deaths were in third world countries, yet places like Norway which has very low maternal deaths were giving huge amounts to these intiatitives and pledging other support and lobbying world governments!

I realized then why all the intitiatives would be unsuccessful in addressing maternal deaths in these countries and we would still be in the same place, in twenty years tim, talking about the next 'strategy'; it is because the folk who should care more, because they are being disasterously impcated are not even prioritizing solving the situation. They are the ones loosing their young populations through maternal deaths yet others were coming in to tell them why it is important to do something about it!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

The Sickness that is Black male Culture and Other things...

2011-03-15T15:51:00.004Z

There is a sickness at the heart of black male practiced black culture.

It is for the very fact that black women are trying to continue to team with black men and to be one culture with them, to connect and incorporate black men into their plans and strategies, that the black female life giving expression of black culture is struggling, in fact has become disfigured and almost unrecognizable for the affirming thing it once was.

Instead of separating out and thus preserving the wholesomeness of the black culture as practiced by black women, by a series of compromises, made so that black men and women ‘can be together in this,’ black women have allowed evil and things that are not supposed to be mentioned in the same sentence as black culture to creep in and now define them and their cultural expression. They have in their desperation to 'team' with black men, made themselves agree with and validate evil and black negating activities as 'all part of valid and genuine black cultural output', all for the sake of having black men along.

See black female culture is life giving, it values blackness and sees it as positive thing to be preserved, but because black women have refused to separate themselves from the self serving, black negating evil that a significant majority of black men practice as their black culture and by trying to 'compromise' so that black men and women can be ‘in one fold’, what black women now have is a severely corrupted expression of blackness.

This is why black women now do things shocking to all, things you wouldn’t ever believe possible from a woman, just becvause she is trying to align and be in with the black men, and thus is following him down into the mud.

Indeed look at what constitutes black male culture:

Worship of white/whiter flesh

Subjugating everything and everyone to the black male ego (black male supremacy). Everything to and for the use of the glory and personal enjoyment of the black men!

A requirement of blind worship from black women

Utter disregard for the continuation and health of the next generation

Destruction of the future (gang rape culture, family abandonment, indiscriminate impregnating)

Trading on notions of ‘black inferiority’ for personal gain/forsakeing black dignity and pride (mandingo etc)

Extreme self serving

Pure machismo and the crushing of the female spirit and the destruction of any goodness that should come from the female.

Because black women have let black men set the tone and the parameters, the whole of black cultural expression has ended up in the gutter. Indeed when black men have kicked the ball into the gutter, black women have gone into the gutter to try to play a game ‘within the parameters’ of the gutter as decided by black men. When black men have kicked the ball into the water black women have jumped in to try to ‘play’ in the water, when black men have kicked it into the fire, black women have jumped into the fire.

This is the black culture as practiced by black women

A love and healthy appreciation for blackness

A concern for the future of black people/ Nurturing of the next black generation

Striving to love and appreciate uniquely black features even against the tide

Willingness to make personal sacrifice for the greater good

Diligence in investing for the uplift of black people

As long as black women continue to desperately try to be ‘a team’ with black men, they will continue to move away from their ‘life giving’ and nurturing functions, as black male culture drags them to the bottom!

It is time for black women to ensure that when you see a black man and black women, there is a prompt recognition that, yes we might be of the same color, but we are of two disctinct cultures!

The Current Black Set up has nothing for black women

The current black set up has nothing, I repeat, nothing for black women, though they try so hard to convince themselves it does! Black women want to convince themselves they feel secure and accepted in black circles, but when was the last time you a black woman felt accepted and belonging in black circles, if it wasn’t your manufactured emotions of happiness?

I spent many years attending ‘black churches’ and each Sunday I knew my mask dare not slip!

In the midst of black circles and black networks, if we are really real, we know that we have to maintain a certain impression or else we are in deep trouble. Everything is controlled, your lines are fed you and if you even go off the accepted ‘discourse’ a fraction of a millimetre, the black sheep dogs (usually an older, sharp tongued bw) get you.

I had a chance over the weekend to reconnect with a ‘group’ of bw from the church I once attended. Do you know folks, I felt such a sense of relief to be ‘liberated’ from them, their mutual urging each other on in their pretence and in finding status in those things that mean so much to black people (but are totally meaningless). I really thanked the creator as i felt exhausted even thinking about the energy, I expended trying to maintain my membership as a good black woman.

Black women frequent black clubs were if they are not 'lightskinned,' they are pretty much invisible, they visit black comedy events to be grievously insulted but yet these same women will swear up and down how black circles are the ones where they feel supported and were they feel belonging, and they don’t want to go into ‘mainstream’ networks because they will feel left out.

It is amazing how the mind can hold on to a notion that no longer remains true in ones circumstances.
The mind is a powerful thing and can be used to great foolishness!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Thoughts for International Women’s Day (IWD)

2011-03-08T16:16:00.005Z

Malia at 11

Sign the petition to tell New York Times they did bad!

Try and build a relationship with other black women based on admiration (mutual), approval and acceptance (not the fake kind I love my hair and nose type protestations).

One of the reasons why I feel that black community is now defunct is because you cannot build a healthy and sustainable relationship between people on the basis of ‘Well I guess we are in this S*&t hole together so lets make the best of it’. There is no way you can have that sentiment as the overarching one for your relationship with each other and not begin to have, disrespect and negative attitudes creep in!

Sasha will be 11 in June 2012

I realized the other day that I actually admire black women (a certain crop of them not so much but…). It is not simply about admiring them for climbing mountains etc (strong bw), but I admire an essence of black women that I come across sometimes in certain African women and older school western black women. They seem to have a secret to all this that I am yet to happen upon myself (like if they know something I don’t) and they cast a wise old eye and a wry smile over it all, in a way that makes me feel that they got it all sussed out!

I have the greatest admiration for one of my oldest sisters, my mum-very formidable (but yet undeniable woman)-and wonder how she gave birth to a ‘coward of the first water’ like me lol! There is indeed something about certain black women, something that suggests that they know what womanhood is about, they have cracked the code. These women are sure of their womanhood and the ‘acceptableness’ of this womanhood and what they have to offer.

Contribute to this very important blog discussion on black feminity!

Contrast it today with how so many of us black women have a hard time believing we are bringing something valid and acceptable to the table of humanity, how we feel that folk will run away screaming if we are to ever show ourselves without the masks and trappings (and no I don’t mean letting it all hang out or keeping it real!). I think this ‘not knowing if we are acceptable or an error in creation’ fuels a lot of this, ‘is he showing interest’, type confusions many bw have understanding men’s basic attraction to them (read: white men's basic attraction to them). Yes western black womanhood has been grievously attacked and this is one sign of it. Indeed lets face it, the continuation of humanity rests on men and women having the ability to read and pick up signs of attraction in seconds often. Many African women straight of the plane, know when even a man from Nagaland is showing attraction. The less attacked a woman’s female identity is, the more likely she is to pick up on men responding to what she is!

So as an aside, I think there is something to be said for functional womanhood as practiced by many African cultures, that essentially thinks, if you have the basic functions and makeup of a woman, then your womanhood is acceptable, whatever your bodily presentation, full stop. I can see so many modern folk look down on such lowest level determination of womanhood which excludes so many other expressions of what a woman is, however what they dont understand is that this defintion presents the most widely embracing context, within which a wider variety of woman found security and belonging rather than felt excluded because of having a square jaw, gap teeth, short hair and short/long necks, things they had no control over.

Anyway back to the issue of a shared basis for identifying with each other, I came across that ‘I got news for you, we are all seen as black’ statement the other day and it made me think, ‘Wow there is absolutely no ‘hopefulness’ or positivity in that statement.’ There is nothing enjoyable and happy about being black when in this context.

Something else I noticed the other day to, when I sat near three young ladies on a public bus. One of the girls had spilt a drink down her dress and was asking for a tissue. The other girl, girlishly giggling held the tissue out of reach. It seemed all playful but I sensed something sinister like the others were letting the humiliation or discomfort go on that bit longer, while of course pretending to be playing about.

These days, there is so much damage among black people/women and thus so many underhanded and disguised games of black folk using others to, feel good about or amuse themselves, play their internal besting other black games, putting down others and downright nastiness happening within black circles.

This is one of the reasons why I tell black women to dissociate from non evolving, non progressing, disempowered bw. Many are in hell and desperate to see signs that you are in hell alongside them. If they refuse to disconnect from pain, they almost naturally refuse you (sometimes without even being aware) disconnecting to, thus get peturbed with you being happy or they become upset with you not showing signs of distress as well ( you having a smily face, getting on with life). The very fact that you dont look depressed and defeated and beaten and looking downwards, but have upbeat energy is increasinlgy niggling at them, until one day they will erupt. And guess the worst thing? They wont even know why they suddenly feel like sabotaging you or hurting you! They dont even know why they start acting out!

Anyway to leave this on a positive note this IWD, discover why you should admire black women and see if you can possibly ‘hinge’ your desire to associate with and be around them or join up with them in ‘doing something for our general good upon this basis.

So what do you enjoy about being a black woman or what are things you admire about other black women?

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

"People prefer faces that appear to 'like' them

2011-03-07T16:50:00.001Z

You can alter your attraction to the opposite sex simply by looking straight at them and smiling, research suggests.

While many studies have found links between face shape, expression and other physical "cues" to attraction, one study is the first to look in more detail at the direction of gaze.

The researchers wrote: "Mating effort is a finite resource that should be allocated judiciously, and preferences for direct gaze in opposite-sex faces would increase the likelihood of allocating mating effort to potential mates who are most likely to reciprocate."

It suggests that how attractive you find someone is governed partly by how likely you are to be successful says - Professor Ruth Mace

University College London One of the paper's authors, Dr Claire Conway, said: "People prefer faces that appear to 'like' them, showing that attraction is not simply about physical beauty."

Professor Ruth Mace, a researcher into evolutionary anthropology at University College London, said that while this seemed an obvious principle, it could be a sign of evolution at work.

She said: "It's a pretty clear signal whether a person is interested in you or whether you are wasting your time."

"But it suggests that how attractive you find someone is governed partly by how likely you are to be successful." link

Halima says: Try everything to loose the weird vibe that black women suddenly get when around white men. It registers more than you realize.

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

When black women get 'too' skinny

2011-03-02T12:58:00.000Z

'I liked her better when she was in the middle: not overweight, but not too skinny.'

Read more: Link

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

What I dont love about BWE work!

2011-02-21T16:01:00.000Z

So we have had a week of nice uplifting comments to BWE bloggers and writers (and workers of all kinds).

In a shortwhile you will get an opportunity to detail, your 'niggles' re BWE work as it stands, but first let me say, thank you so much for taking the time out to write such lovely and heart warming messages. It is really good to know we have been of benefit and also to see how we can even better the BWE work, because without input every venture fails.

I was in Evia’s blog yesterday and she has just done a slam dunk of a post. The bit that touched me most was the whole issue about how black girls are blamed for lacking self esteem (and I don’t mean the ‘I love my hair, skin and teeth’, protestations which simply is just that, ‘protesting too much’). These black girls are subject to the most soul destroying messages and activities day in and day out, yet folk act all surprised when they ‘don’t have wonderful self esteem’! Doesn’t the black community grow more absurd each day!

A friend of mine, confirmed for me the other day that this ‘perverse’ thinking that, despite everything bg are expected to and indeed supposed to survive and thus are severely blamed when they don’t, is a deeply entrenched view. We were discussing one of these ‘woe is black woman’ books that I have read in the past, and she was 'upset' that the main character of the book (a black girl) didn’t see past her indoctrination and brain washing to rise up and challenge her situation! It is amazing that black girls are expected to succeed regardless of what is thrown their way and they are then judged against this benchmark and criticized severely if they don’t, 'against all odds' succeed. No other race of women would be criticized for failing under conditions under which failure is overwhelmingly likely, yet young black girls are!

Evia said something very important, that it will take 'all of us' to get out the BWE message (or whatever name you choose to identify this black woman empowerment message) out.

There is just too much to do and too many portals of misinformation surrounding black women for it to be left to one or two, even left to a hundred people to do. The black church for instance has become a place where black women go to take their does of medication which keeps them sedated, calm and compliant in dysfunctional dynamics, where they serve as the host body to a vast array of parasites that are feeding off them!

To get the message out, there must be a ‘all hands on deck’ approach or else let’s just forget it now. And trust me you can do something.

A black women wrote me that she blind copied one of the BWE essays she felt hit ‘home run’ re the bw situation, to her email list (she opened a new email address for this and titled the email ‘The Essay Every Black Women must Read’)!

There is a lot you can do; design a flyer with key BWE points (to get bw thinking) and drop on a train seat, café, in church, hair salon, etc all anonymously and without having to ‘out’ yourself in anyway. One or two black women will come across it, get curious, even discuss it with another friend/s and the message spreads, painlessly and without much time investment.

Decide to reach five black women/girls this year with a well thought out ‘elevator pitch’ of core BWE points (and ones that capture their curiosity or speaks to the key issue bothering the black women round you). You can do it.

Bw are very creative When-They-Want-to-Be! Turn on that creativity for BWE and do it for as little as 5 bw in 2011 (you will probably need just 1 Hour to both think up and execute a strategy). Do it this February or March and you can sit back the rest of 2011 knowing you have done your bit to push out BWE.

Do not chase any bw down or bang them over the head, with the BWE message repeatedly, just let them know there is ‘another way for bw to live’, and to live a more fulfilled life as opposed to struggle and unfulfilled dreams. That’s all you need to do, their needs should lead them to the information when they are ready.

This website below is designed for the newbies or for those who need to get their heads around the BWE message. Feel free to send your ‘friends’ to the link.

http://www.tellingblackwomenthetruth.com/

If you care about fellow black women, in fact even if you cannot bring yourself to care about adult black women, but you gaze upon the young ones with compassion, then you must do something.

An evil has befallen bw that they do not care about our young daughters in fact I believe subconsciously some black women want their daughters fall into the same life crippling traps. I watched a particular incident at one of the social groups near me, and my instincts told me the reason why the mother was not nurturing the talents of her very talented daughter and not giving her the necessary prods and pushes (because shildren will need structure and motivation, thats why they are children), was because she was simply sabotaging her daughter! Sick Sick Sick!

In line with this ‘all hands need to be on deck' approach, tell us what you would like to see improved or what is uncomfortable with BWE work for you. This excercise however is for those who are 'invested' in empowering bw, not those who disagree with this basic premise of bw deserving empowernment and fulfilled lives. If you agree with the notion of bw being empowered but have a few issues or ideas to iron out re BWE work please drop a comment!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Why I Love BWE

2011-02-14T01:14:00.001Z

Well Happy Valentine all!

I just want to do something different this year and ask all of you good readers for feedback on the BWE work. This time I want us to focus on all that BWE has helped you gain, improve and as much benefit as you can detail.

Many of us 'eat' from various free tables and never spend a moment to say at least, 'thanks, I appreciate what you have helped me achieve.' It costs no money and I can promise you that $1000, wouldnt cover for the amount of advice, insight, 'therapy', comfort, consolation, strengthening, reinforcment and reassurance that you have recieved from the broad range of BWE work. Some folks are in new jobs, new careers, relationships (married!), and have even saved their lives out of the work of BWE (and I dont just mean this blog but all BWE blogs)!

The universe frowns on people who do not say thanks in one form or another for the beneftits they have recieved off others. You might think you have gotten over (and I hope BWE women dont think this way), but if you dont pay back into what you have recieved (either by reciprocity or playing BWE forward to other bw including black girls out there who are in desperate need of advice and guidance), these things have a way of squaring themselves up!

I want to say that I have been 'blessed' by the work of BWE myself even as a writer and an early proponent of this philosophy. I think I have recieved more benefits out of the work and I can actually say that I am operating on a different and higher level as an individual, all because of the work of BWE; the sharing, fine tuning, eye opening that has gone on on the various blog. In fact it is now noticeable to those around me who have known me for a while, that I operate with keener insight into life and life as a black woman and many want to know what I have been drinking! In fact I think they have been raiding my trash can at night to find out what (lol!) -just joking. In terms of presentation, fitness, attitude, outlook, I am in a different league (yes we are all a work in progress but a lot has been sorted!).

I think for me most importantly the 'knowing' that there are a community of brillaint minded and forward thinking bw out there (virtual journey sisters) is so comforting.

So the floor is open, this is the time to say what you have recieved through BWE work, we definitely appreciate the feedback (anonymous comments welcome!).

Very interesting article on Black Women the Socially Invisible

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Last word on the Image of Black women for now ....

2011-02-12T13:12:00.001Z

Do something

Stop looking for the perfect solution. Get in on things happening now, even as we look for and design the perfect push back in terms of attacks on bw image.

You also never know what might be effective. Sometimes little things make the difference and often it is about a cumulative effect. So sign up to the face book and other online petitions. I rather sign up to 5 petitions with limited effect than sit on the sidelines. Don’t forget that sometimes, there is a build up into the main plan and as you put some plan into effect, it finally becomes obvious what should be done!

Think strategic

I think bw are in dire need of coaching in being strategic especially about how they react to things. Many bw are so dependent on their emotions telling them what to do and when. This is a bit of a problem.

You know when you look at it, there was a range of ‘reactions’ to the Pepsi commercial. Some people were not all cut up about it and some were. But guess what, strategic folk know that sometimes they need to ‘react’ even when they are not too upset about something because there is a longterm goal that all this might help achieve.

This is one of the reason why though living in the UK, I can throw myself into issues that affect AA and black women in the US sometimes exclusively. I know that if the bw in America wakes up to her situation and gets it together etc, happy days will follow for all bw round the Western world. I can see this very clearly.

Even if I felt so so about the Pepsi commercial, I would still get in on the push back because 1) I am always looking out for that galvanizing incident that builds the momentum for change and that incident that makes making the case for the kind of BWE change we preach easier to do and these incdents come once in a while 2) Beyond my feelings and whether I am bothered about the ad personally, in life there are wider gains to be had by getting in on issues. So I don’t have to be personally unhappy or hopping mad about each and every incidence or occurrence to get busy if I can link it to our achieving the broader goals we seek.

When I hear people say they wont get in on things because, they were not too worried or bothered by the latest episode/incident personally or didnt interpret it as really 'that bad', I know these folks have lost sight of the broader goal, if they ever had eyes on it to begin with.

I also know that many bw, talk themselves out of things they feel will not make a dent, by pleading to be so unaffected and able to ‘rise above’, or ‘be the bigger person’, especially when they go on one of those, ‘what’s wrong with you all humourless folk unable to take a joke etc etc’ soap box talks.

Templates and models are emerging

Not everything works at first go, and there is something called ‘piloting‘. You sometimes have to ‘test run’ ideas. Stop waiting for the perfect plan on paper. Go with one or two ideas because sometimes ‘effect’ can only be judged in action, not on the drawing board. Unintended consequences might mean the little or unique has a greater consequence than even that perfect scheme.

Ultimately how much time does it take to sign one or two petitions that might blow up, all of two minutes!

http://www.change.org/petitions/boycott-pepsi---racist-superbowl-commercial-stereotypes-black-women#signatures

I am really interested in this one:

A black woman has graciously started a facebook page specifically for things black women SHOULDNT buy, based on the company's advertising choices.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/For-Black-Women-What-not-to-buy/199530346730965

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Why black women get pinned with the tail! Update... Update -Sign a petition

2011-02-08T18:37:00.005Z

When the Romans needed entertainment, the Gladiators and slaves from other regions (mostly captured in war), provided them with sports for their arenas to either battle to the death or be eaten by lions and tigers.

Never underestimate the wider (dominant) society's need for using the socially marginalized to provide them with entertainment, amusement, distraction and to do the work which they feel is beneath them.

Untouchable do the dirtiest jobs in certain parts of South East Asia.

Indeed I have been told by those in the know, that black women in particular tend to be first in line to sell some product that has an unglamorous but necessary function or communicate an icky message. Yep ‘get rid of lice’, and the face of the black girl is flashed, or ‘do you have constipation?’ and the sad face of the black woman is brought into focus.

We have to understand the dynamic that brings into existence many of these images that embarrass black women and make their path through life difficult by miring their image and the ‘sense’ of black womanhood in unpleasantness.

There are books that have been written to explore how blacks have been used in the past to sell soap, toothpaste and the likes. Many of these adverts were blatant in negatively focussing on black traits e.g. soaps so effective they can wash out even blackness!

The need to sell unglamorous products has not gone away, neither has the need to provide a laughingstock or clowns or buffoons etc ceased. In addition the need to provide comfort to some by enabling them feel superior to others by these others, adopting an inferior posture or manner is increasing as overt forms of discrimination become generally resisted. Indeed sophisticated and subliminal ways are now employed to 'uphold' the general opressive narrative and working of society and the oppressed are choreographed to play their necessary role without which the oppressive structure itself would give way.

It is important to understand there will always be the seeking of those who will play certain ‘roles’ for society. It will always be there. What black women need to ensure is that they do not continue to be the obvious choice, and that the recruiters ‘think twice’ before they pick up the ‘black chess piece,’ to play the buffoon and the clown and the ‘diseased’ one, or the one who makes all the others feel secure by having her own attributes rendered less than. Remember the ‘need’ will always be there, and thus the ‘recruiters’ of the actors will always go out, the only variable here is who gets to play the sordid part, who gets to be pinned with the tail.

Politically black men have become too slippery for the role

Yes political backlash has placed a slippery film over black men, so that when the ‘recruiters’ come, they don’t feel comfortable reaching for them or they cant get a good grip. But they don’t need to leave disappointed, because black women are right there, without any slippery film of political protection around them, securing them against misuse. They are just ready and ‘right’ for use. No one makes too much of a fuss anyway, when black women have the tail pinned on. In fact, everyone, including the black women, find it all funny.

But there is a price to pay.

Soon black women don’t understand why others accuse them of being ‘aggressive’ even when they haven’t even said a word, or why the world is quick to believe they attacked a innocent white woman an innocent white woman (The discussion at Christelyn Karazin’s blog reminded me of this one). They don’t understand why their colleagues come to them seeking consolation for their latest drama yet never ask them how their life is going.

An Addition

The coarsening of bw image is something that has happened over time. When a woman's image is coarsened as the black woman's has, she gets to play negative roles even those that society will wave away as not important to mention, or not serious issues, yet these unaknowleged 'positionings' play a powerful role in how she is perceived (the generally perception of black women) and ultimately adds to the lowering of the black female stock.

I been reading some of the 'general' media responses to the Pepsi advert and none of them are picking up the angle of bw's concerns at least as expressed her on BWE blogs ie being 'jealous' or black women made out to be less attractive and bitter and ready to do physical violence on or for a man. General society or general discourse space has no patience with certain debates for sure. But we all know how deeply impacting the idea of bw as less attractive (highlighted in the pepsi ad as an insecure response to her man and impacting the other woman) has on the self esteem of black women especially in addition to all other factors and actors that have a culmulative effect of tearing at the esteem of black women.

I want to point out that black women tend to define issues in terms that no one cares about.

In defending her image, the challenge of bw is to define issues in terms that society at present is willing to take seriously and enagage with and also which has the intended consequence of also sweeping up and away all the other 'deemed unserious' issues which are pretty serious to black women's peace of mind!

Having said all that, i have now received a link that the issue of bw being positioned as jealous of ww has been picked up and commented on but not in bw favour

http://www.mediaite.com/online/rush-limbaugh-pepsi-ad-successful-because-black-women-hate-blondes/

Here’s a link to a petition that change.org started, in case anyone’s interested in signing: http://www.change.org/petitions/boycott-pepsi---racist-superbowl-commercial-stereotypes-black-women#signatures

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No dog in this 'Black Community' fight but....

2011-02-03T11:03:00.001Z

Khadija inspired this post for sure. I wanted to talk about something else today but I was blown away by the last conversation on Khadija blog were she referenced Elijah Mohamed and his work with the black community. Khadija's Blog

In truth and as Khadija explained, EM's work and models for his work in the black community remain the only few examples of models and strategies that are successful with black people (I can think of only one or two others). If you want to look at community building models that have ‘been successful’ in the past, then look no further than the work of Elijah Mohamed.

I was particularly ready to do a dance when I came across this statement by Khadija

I don’t have to like Elijah Muhammad (and I don’t like him) to tell the truth, and admit that his analysis was 100% correct about many things. And that he was very wise in how he dealt with with AAs’ unique psychology and pathologies.

Wow folks I was blown away by this particular statement, and do you know why? The reason is that the multitude of words that black folk have to say about community building etc, I am yet to come across this clear understanding among any significant number that black leadership is required to understand the unique psyche of black people in order to come up with effective models.

I don’t even think that black folks even require their leaders to meet the 'challenges' of black folks for real! All they need is mouth pieces who anounce that black people are decimated by HIV, Crime, Poverty etc etc, without even having a coherent idea (beyond call for government interv), at how blacks can organize internally to change the situation as EM did.

You know when you go to an interview and they ask you to do a presentation on, ‘5 issues facing XYZ and how I plan to solve them', well I think nobody is even having such an expectation anymore when they elect so called black leaders. All black people want is a figure head, who can wag a finger at ‘the white man’ and makes the required ‘noises.’ That is essentially all that is required of black leadership!

No wonder why black community is more or less defunct.

This issue of leaders not being required to meet the challenge of the group they lead (beyond heading marches and being wheeled in to give opinions on CNN), plagues the whole of the black world. It happens in Africa. African leaders approach the presidential race of their respective countries without even having a clear plan of how they hope to solve the deep and entrenched problems in the country, but even before that, they haven’t even understood what these problems are or the unique psychology of their people that will lend itself to some solutions and not others! Lawdy lawd.

For all his faults I admire Kwame Nkrumah for understanding that he had to play a 'tight game of political chess' with both Americans and Russians, to deliver his countries infrastructure. Akosombo dam I believe, remains one of the countries major infrastructure a quarter of a century later and decades after his death.

The other day a friend responded to me re this discussion that, ‘well the CIA and etc always end up killing African leaders that are good for Africa.’ I said to him, ‘out thinking the CIA' then is a ‘leadership challenge’ that must be met! It should not continue to be an excuse especially since it has been going on forever. By now there should be strategies in place. It is only organisms intersted in extinction that dont adapt to each threat especially a threat that is known.

It is very clear why Jesus had twelve apostles (actually the number twelve denotes/symbolizes governmental perfection). He spoke of his death often but made plans for the work to continue beyond him. Today you have African leaders in their 80’s who haven’t even prepared for succession and will be brought out of office on a stretcher followed by years of turmoil in the country. Jesus prepared for successful continuation of his work in 3 years!

Leadership is adaptable and innovative. You are not prepared for leadership if you haven’t mapped out the problems and come up with some sort of clever plan of action (which you can adapt as more information becomes available).

Black leadership was always meant to be so innovative beyond anything any other groups could come up with, and that is simply because black people are surrounded by problems; layered, complex, internal and external. To meet the challenge then, black leadership was supposed to be ‘ninja’ like in level and style (and by that I invoke the general view on Ninjas’s as invisible, highly skilled with the ability to accomplish almost impossible feats; deadly effective). When black folk started patterning black leadership after mainstream (read: white) leadership then end was in sight!

Understand the challenge, met the challenge and stop excuses.

Khadija also said something that made me want to faint with the knowledge of it all; that black folk always respond with their cultural defensive, emotional baggage. Something happens today and it triggers and emotional memory/baggage response that is totally OBSOLETE (and just about satifying our need to have a historical rememberance moan-fest) for the modern situations.

So we think, 'This is rosa parks all over again let us respond accordingly', when it isnt. Read the comments of the post linked above to find this particular angle.

One thing that is sure re Kelley Williams-Bolar , black women who want to thrive need to wean themselves off the same emotional 'sympathy pulls' we had in the past.

I too felt sorry for Kelley Williams-Bolar but then I suddenly felt an 'attack of fears' as I realized how deep a mindset change we black women need in order to survive and how well trained we are to fall into a pit. The general mentalities of black women are no longer going to surfice (eg having children without particpating fathers, not thinking and planning for comfortable rather than 'on the edge' living, our need to defy legal structures to wag a finger at 'the man', etc etc), we have to 'come up higher'. Anything less than a totally reorganized mindset will lead to the sure ruin of many women. It is scary because many of these women that are destroyed never stood a chance because they were surrounded by bad advice and bad advisers! There but for the grace of God....

And I agree with Khadija that black folks 'cultural insecurity' is largely responsbile for us always finding outside causes to blame when it is clear that the blame belongs with us. This blaming government, racism etc etc when we could have taken simple steps towards our betterment, is a sure sign of people who have lost faith in themselves and their abilities.

People who know they can 'right' a wrong situation are never obsessively averse to taking any blame as black people show themselves to be, because they know they can 'handle it'. When people have lost faith in the ability to 'course correct' they are always involved in frantic effort to dodge blame. Dodging blame becomes the goal in itself, as they desperately try but fail in their attempts to not look like inferior people!

For real!

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Why I never enagage in 'what black women did to make things the way they are' discussions -Part II

2011-01-21T10:34:00.004Z

The destruction of black community was never a joint enterprise between black men and black women. Black women never had the casting vote in the majority of the destructive practices operating in the black community. Often time they are trying to correct or make the best of a bad situation unwittingly worsening it!

Last week I was reading a newspaper article about a gang of paedophiles that had been smashed by police.

It consisted of four women and one man.

But guess what (if you haven’t guessed already), the four women (all white mind you), where made out to have been ‘controlled’ by this lone man. The word Svengali was used repeatedly in the article to describe the man (and if I may say so has become a commonly used term whenever issues of males and females joint enterprise of abuse comes up, where the women are white of course). It is amazing that this is term is used quite commonly and repeatedly, given that Svengali is actually a fictional character!

Yes it is always spun that the white female in the picture is somehow under some strong mind control of the man even if there was only one man and multiple women as in this instance. I am not even sure if the gang ever met up physically. From what little I read (I was disgusted), these women abused their own children and posted pictures on the internet, under 'remote' control of course of said 'Svengali'.

You best believe that a black woman would never be able to plead mind control, she would be deemed as well and truly in full control of all her senses to do such evil!

Why is the white community invested in the idea of guiltlessness in white females?

I have a theory.

It is in part possibly due to the strong reaction against the notion of the mother (the universal nurturer), the dependable carer of humanity, ever being in possession of malicious and evil impulses. Even if it is clear such is the case, it is better to give a benefit of a doubt to women than discard the model that mothers have their childrens best interest (imagine the social upheavel if this were not assumed to be true). It helps us all sleep well at night for sure. 'Indeed best push all that ability for evil unto the male figure, I mean he can handle it cant he.'

Have you noticed that males are always deemed to be perpetrators of evil until proven otherwise. If you watch any of those crime series; Law and Order, CSI etc etc, the ’perp’ is always identified as a ’he’, if a pronoun is needed in building a story, that is until firm evidence comes that a female is possibly responsible. Also look at how males are interrogated! They are almost always assumed guilty in interrogation rooms and they have to communicate in the necessary ’tone’ to extract themselves.

This leads me to the other part of my theory. There is actually another hidden part of the reason why males in general are deemed to be the morally deficient party in any such situation and even overall in the wider (not black) context. It came to me when I noted how black men respond to the taking any responsibility, or the lead part in any activities towards social improvement, restoration even well doing.

As we know, most black men will refuse any responsibility or blame for any negative that has befallen black people, but also notice the way they frame their responses. They will say something like this, ‘Well what about black women? Black women didn’t do ‘A’ therefore I couldn’t do B‘, or Black women weren’t A so I couldn’t be B, or black women weren’t playing part X so I couldn’t do P’.

They make their part dependent on black women doing some bit. It might not seem obvious at first but this quickly sets up an ‘impasse’ situation (beloved of those who enjoy the status quo or cant be bothered to do anything to address a situation).

In this situation men can hold their communities to a standstill by saying others have to 'move' or 'prove' before them. By introducing a 'negative' status to men and a positive to women as is done in the wider society, men find they are under an obligation to ‘prove’ themselves whether good, resourceful, worthy etc etc. Men therefore 'initiate', they kick things of and forget about looking for women to start up proceedings. They get busy doing and forget about what women are doing or not doing!

This is the principle of the simple cell battery. No current flows if both poles are at the same charge (your batteries grow weaker as the poles charges come to the same level). Males being under a negative charge means they are under an impetus to work and prove, and if you notice real men relish a chance to prove themselves ‘Men’. This is especially true when men realize that the male privilege and status has to be balanced by responsibility. Thus if you are a ‘Man’ and have all the trappings and privileges of manhood attached to you, then it is only sensible and socially responsible for you to have responsibility attached to that privilege.

Think about that for a second. We moan about sexism, but in the wider society males do not just enjoy male privileges. They have responsibilities attached to them, so they must 'get up,' and investigate when something goes 'bump' in the night and women and children must be allowed 'off the titanic' first. Thats what it takes to have the privilege of manhood attached to you. You have to pay for it in all sorts of ways and I can imagine all those men on the titanic wanting that chance to go into the boats with the women and children!

The black community is the only community that has broken the link between male privileged and any sense or form of responsibility be it social, moral, leadership, or otherwise to said community. Instead women do for men and still present men with the same accolades of manhood. No wonder destructive masculinity runs riot in black settings. Indeed masculine privilege without responsibility = destruction!

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Why the defaming of the black female image affects you

2011-01-13T21:53:00.000Z

While we were having our last discussions about black women retiring the idea of being co-creators of the black chaotic sistuation with black men, we had another incident of a ~~rapper~~ Crapper taking a swing at dark skin black women and lets call it what it is, essentially an attack on undiluted and essentially unambiguously black women. I dont want to go into naming the Crapper or get into any other great lengths of detail of something I am sure you all are aware of.

I was noting the reactions especially of black women online.

First of course there was the denials that he said such. People however pointed to lyrics on a couple of his tracks that essentially say the same thing which he is accused of saying. Then there were the 'high self-esteemers', who proclaimed to have such a high self esteem as to be unaffected by the statements of a half wit. I like the spirit but I also recognize the 'I am unaffected' or 'I am not the one he speaks about', response can come from a point of hopelessness and from those who feel 'nothing can be done so best ignore', or a displaced reaction of frustration from those who want this whole thing to disappear and at al cost that they will be happy for the victim to disappear if it will sort out the situation. Indeed they are taking out the whole frustration on a safe target by making it an issue of 'sefl esteem'. Good self esteem doesnt happen in a vacuum. I am amused at how many black people are requesting nay demanding that black women have 'self esteem', and self love as if the so called black community has optimal conditions for this to develope. I guess it is an automatic thing which you just call to yourself from the four winds!

I guess my point is, surely one can admit there is a problem without having to mean their self esteem is shot!

The issue of black women’s general image taking a hit was also raised, and this is tha bit of the discussion that I was very interested in. I see we always keep coming round to the whole, ’black women need to organize round the protection of their image’ question. We seem to come round to it a couple of times each year. I think the last major incident was regarding John Mayer. I know I put up the post about some of the options available to black women. Some where ready to do something (although what that something was, was the issue), others said 'nah' focus on self.

Today I want to raise the issue of being able to admit a bad situation even if you have no answers.

Black women pay a personal cost for the overall negative image of black women, wether you are well positioned or have a high esteem or not. See I can admit that, even if I have no answers to the dilema at present. On an individual level, black women can do so much, and I am also aware that as the message of black women being empowered to be the best spreads, the culmulative effect of more and more black women living succesfully will roll back a great deal of the stigma that is currently attached to the black female image.

However and again I want to reiterate that we all (individually), pay a great price no matter how high our self-esteem and how unconnecetd you are to the toxic black community. I am sure a lot of black women living in part of Italy know what I mean, when I say that an impression created about those like you can severly impact your social movement. I am sure they are aware of this when they are approached by random men who mistaken them for prostitutes even when they have all sorts of social trappings that speak strongly against such a conclussion. If someone came uo with a smart idea to end their daily torment, I am sure so many would be so willing to all pay to lift the shadow that follows them all around.

When a negative impression is created around your demograhy, you have to put in twice as much effort to get anything others simply wave their hands to get, also so many opportunities for life improvement are being denied without you even knowing it, therefore it is important to be able to be invested in the idea of some general push back against the tarnishing of black women's image even if we dont know what it will be or if it can be.

I fear some black women are in a rush to shut down the conversations of a broader solution because they dont see how, but there might be someone out there who knows what to do, who you are not allowing turn their brains over the issue by shooting down any discussion out of your understandable frustration.

Contnd

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Why I never enagage in 'what black women did to make things the way they are' discussions

2011-01-07T08:53:00.009Z

Do you know why I never ever get involved in the, 'What did black women do to make the situation the way it is in the black community' discussions? I dont because it is an invalid argument built on the premise that black women have equal responsibility for creating the choas and dysfunction that reigns within the black social grouping.

The argument makes black women out to be co-creators with black men. It refuses to recognize the power differential that exists between male and female in a world that privileges male over female, and thus a world which gives males the determining role in how things eventually turn out.

The argument is one which wants to assign to black women equal agency in terms of determining how the situation has panned out for the black social group. Indeed note how when black folks raise these, 'What about how black women did X, Y, Z', you can see they are talking from a position of 'black women were doing it at the same time as black men, with the same social permission and prerogative, at the same level and with the same intent and purpose'! Note that none of them is trying to even look at how that black women in their actions of X, Y, Z, could well be 'responding' to a situation already determined/set up by black men. Indeed flattening time lines and making it all seem simultenous is a key black way of obscuring black male culpability indeed reducing the insight that a 3-D dimensioned discussion of events would cast on the situation.

But take a look at how, when there are general discussions about the situation in our planet, how that there is total comfort with assigning white females a lesser role in shaping the world as we know it and any system of injustice and inequity that exists. Indeed if the truth must be told, white women are rarely if ever indicted as creators of the systems of oppression and injustice. Most analyst are very uncomfortable in positioning white women (who they deem as equally oppressed in patriarchy and capitalist structures), as in anyway 'responsible' for any unjust or unequal set up. Those that are reevaluating the role of white women are more likely to denote them as 'colluders' with white men or 'internalizers' of oppressive ideas and beliefs never 'generators' of these.

But again note that when 'liberals' suddenly want to turn the spotlight on the situation within the black social grouping and if they are able somehow to move away from 'the white male and government is the source and root of all evil', discourse, they suddenly and automatically level the social standing between black women and men to make black women out as co-creators of the bad situation as it stands. See, while they are happy to 'lessen' white female culpability for the shape of things in the wider world, when it comes down to black women who have multiple levels of oppression to contend with, you would think they would know to then deem black women less responsible, but oh no, these same folks are happy to load down black women with equal if not 'more' blame that black men because yes indeed the sentiment that black men are sometimes 'victims' of black women can be noted proceeding from the writings of 'liberal' folks! See why I am fast loosing respect for so called 'liberals'.

And the worst thing is that it is so automatic and such a blind spot that even when you point out, what they are doing and how they switch their principles when it comes round to black women, they deny it and maintain that they are just being fair and consistent. I have been reviewing a number of articles penned by white men in particular over some of the media attention BWE work has garnered over the years and consistently their sympathies are lying with black men!

Once again I will reiterate that there is a power differential existing between black men and women due to males being privileged in our society thus black women cannot and should not be held responsible for the shape of things within the black social setting, indeed once you account for the overarching system's shaping of the black situation, the next folk in line for being responsible for the black situation are black men. Period.

Do black women have a role in the state of affairs particularly their own situation? Sure and indeed the fact that ultimately they end up taking the negative brunt of it all (indeed the impact of OOWetc etc are more on black women), reinforces for me the fact that they are not in the driving seat. What I (and most BWE) realize when looking at the role of black women is that they are often colluding with black men towards their own oppression and 'responding' in ways that aggravate the situation to their own detriment. This has a lot to do with how they are socialized and the doctrines and dogmas within which they are socialized, which causes this maladaptive response. As long as black women continue to be held sway by these black doctrines, they will continue to respond in these maladaptive and maladjusted ways. This is why the thrust of BWE work is to 'retrain' black women in the ways of looking after their own best interest, to train black women in the ways of 'self-interest awareness' and self advocacy and make them become knowlegable about how how third parties are trying to harness their rescources and efforts for their selfish benefit and with no thought of reciprocating!

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What BWE want you to know

2010-12-20T13:14:00.004Z

Happy Xmas Celebrations & a Great 2011!

I have had a good two months-plus break from bloggin. I really enjoyed it. It helped me stand back and see the work from another perspective especially look into how I can be more efficient and effective rather than do same ol same ol.

It was good to see that BWE has reached a point where some of us can take ourselves well needed breaks, and the message keeps powering through! For me in this was particularly gratifying because it shows the word is out and saturating the atmosphere and the key points and messages of BWE are out there and generating the required discussions. I contrast this with five years ago when just a few were doing the work and how we almost were too afraid to be gone too long.

Efficient use of time will be the name of the game for me in the coming year. We are in lean times and thus we all have to be judicious users of time and resources. Which leads me to my next point:

Things BWE want you to know

Catch a fire for yourself
This time off blogging has helped me also identify and sound out a few more ‘black female life schema’ that is, mental sets, patterns, and attitudes, influencing the way black women approach life.

Last week I was over at actsoffaith blog where a discussion was ongoing about Obesity. One of the comments sent in, got me thinking for a while. I tried to respond but i am happy I didn’t, because I needed to mull over the comment a bit more.

Sometimes people say things and it isn’t really about what they are saying but how the comment is being generated from an ’expectation’ they have on you. One such comment popped up during the discussion and had I hastily replied, I could have stopped my own deeper and expanding understanding of an issue which I think is one of the corner stones issues to black women’s plight.

The first thing I want black women to let sink deep down in their spirit is that nobody is responsible for you.

No one losses out if you never fulfil your potential in life. Well let me be even more blunt and say, if you fell of the edge of the cliff today, I am sure one or two people would put a rose on your coffin, but that’s essentially it! Does that feel deflating? I guess we all want to feel that we are important but there is another side to it that we have to be grounded in reality.

I keep hearing these sentiments from black women. ‘Aren’t you gonna make me like your message?, Aren’t you gonna make it appeal to me?, Aren’t you going to make me want to get up and save my own life?’
These sentimenta are buried in black women’s comments and responses and seems so very strange given that it isnt about choosing the next shoe or handbag or film but about how to take their lives into abundance.

Apparently there are some black women who feel that ‘we’ (other bw or BWE who have come out as bw champions), will be sorry, if ‘they’ don’t make it! Twisted isn’t it. I came across a kids program the other day where a ‘character’ was ranting and stamping his feet about how, ‘Y’all will be sorry, if I run away (or did something which in essence had a net negative effect on him not them)’.

Some black women even go further and seem to have this funny notion that by withholding their acceptance of the commonsense notions BWE and others are trying to pass on, they are denying us something key, some victory, maybe pinching us and confirming their importance in our lives (as if this is about social endorsement and status games rather than their abundant living)! I guess because we have a declared interest in seeing black women win, by withholding their own ‘winning’, they are taking something from us or something!

There seems to be a weird and misplaced boyfriend-girlfriend/you have to court me etc dynamic underlying some of the responses from certain black women.

I might be drowining but ask me nicely or I wont come!

Some black women have got it all confused as you can well see. But how did we get here? I believe it is the symptom of the mis-socialization that black women experience as the community tries to immerse them fully into being the ‘resource’ for their race. One of the results is as we have said, a blindness to their reality and the urgency of their situation and along with this comes ‘misplaced priorities' (e.g. priority on being courted rather than saving their lives), chasing shadows than substance, not being able to focus in on the ‘core issue’ at stake (the whole distorted thinking that the key issue and the opportunity presented to them by these discussions is an opportunity to feel wanted and valued rather than this being about saving their lives!).

One of the key things I want to pass on to bw as we enter a new year is that you have to, ‘catch a fire’ for your own life and your own future. The idea that someone else would/should care more, or would be hurt by your destruction is the height of delusional thinking. When we become adults we understand that ‘life will go on for others even if we die today’. The notion that society should care about black women falling by the way side, and we should devote our energies into making them care and making them (read: government) do right by us rather than ‘sort ourselves out’, is an idea that all empowered black women should leave in the dust.

Does it mean we should not work for a better world? No but we are wise, we know that if white women or Asian women can rely on ’government’ responding to their plight, government has not shown itself to be ’sympathetic’ to black women's situation. We black women ’work out our own salvation’ and we will continue to have to do so for the foreseeable future no matter how unfair that might seem to you.

1 Corinthian 9:24 says:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize!

Another translation ends ‘So run to win!’

When you see a person who understands that no one is beholden to them in anyway, they have a particular attitude to life. You will notice that they are ‘up and doing’ and laying hold of every opportunity, looking out for an opportunity to prosper themselves, not waiting or thinking someone should ‘do for me‘.

The attitude of ‘society owes me’ will not serve anyone well in these lean times, so you better flee from anyone or anything reinforcing such expectations in you. Note that many of the liberals urging you to ‘demand your rights’ from society (meagre rights at that) are doing so from the comfort of rewards reaped from applying themselves or rewards from legacies of antecedents that applied themselves often shunning their rights and shunning shame etc. Thus they can afford to talk that way, they have a safety net.

But anyone who is lethargic rather than striving in these times will be caught between a rock and a hard place. In case some are unaware of how these things work, you can be all about ‘social justice’ but you must continue to feather your own nest. You cannot let yourself be lulled into any complacent place, feeling that an equal and just society will provide all your needs. It will provide just the basic if anything and at any rate, a just society doesn’t exist. If you want to live above subsistence you must strive.

I want to point out another key thing here. Most BWE are themselves running their own track to get something out of life. Most of us if not all, are coming out of the ‘indoctrination of black women into community service’ program too. Many of us have paid and will continue to pay the price of lost time and lost focus. So stop resenting BWE writers and thinking they by virtue of their ‘better placement’ (so you think) are obliged to chase you down to ‘hear’ the message of commonsense (indeed a lot of this ‘appeal to me’ ‘appeal to me’ stuff demanded of BWE comes from resentment). We are sharing sideways not from above. So if I am a black woman like you, simply ‘running my own life race,’ why should I be required to go out of my way to save you? This is indeed a borrowed attitude often seen displayed towards those who the black community denotes as having, ‘made it’, and thus should, ‘give back’. The black community however does not have genuine intentions towards those giving back, instead it fosters a toxic attitude towards those itemotionally blackmails into ‘giving back’ where the aim is to frustrate them and play sick mocking jokes on them, toying with their genuine desire to ‘give back‘. Indeed the intention has never really been about being lifted out, but dragging these ones down and back to the gutter. Its all a sick sick joke!

The world has shown it is averse to pushing resources black women's way and in additon BWE do not have the extra resources themselves to expend for 'rescue operations' for individual black women who expect to be courted into living well, even if BWE wanted to. We can only put the life saving information out there for you to take charge of saving yourself.

The case of 'living well' is not one that anyone should have to make for another and if such is the case then it reveals the deep damage on the part of the one demanding 'an explanation' or an incentive so they can take up the charge of living well. Purge yourself of any attitude or belief or mental program or peer pressure that makes you place so little on your own salvation that you are willing to joke about with it or become complacent and lethargic about taking conceret steps towards abundant living.

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Progress as by-product, She just snapped and a Blog Break

2010-10-18T18:24:00.001+01:00

A Break calls to me. I often take a bit of a ‘break’ from Blogging in October and I am about to do that now, but just want to leave a few thoughts with you to chew over while I take a well needed break and I guess a reflection on the BWE work and blog.

Group progress is a natural ‘by-product’
Black women need to realize something very key; community thriving is a natural by-product of women thriving in those communities. We can see this clearly in the case of Africa. The women in most African countries are not doing well and thus the children born to these women are experiencing poverty and deprivation from generation to generation, which sets the tone for the community overall.

Black women going about getting the best out of life will naturally lift the tone of the group which they belong.

The wrong idea however that somehow the black woman has to ‘turn aside’ to do the work of elevating the community has gained currency over the years, this is why many black women think that the progress of the ‘community’ requires some form of denial and active sacrifice on their part. This then becomes the slope into the belief that it requires self-abnegation and the kind of level of dedication which automatically results in ‘self –neglect.’ Rather, community progress is a natural result of them shooting for the best for themselves be it the best ‘health’, best jobs, less stressful lifestyle, the best men, thus the best support and conditions within which they will birth the next generation and thus taking the next generation higher and higher.

Think of how flowers get pollinated from the natural activities of bees. Our fruit come to us as a natural product of Bees going about their natural business of life for themselves! As they gather nectar to make their food (honey) they pollinate the flowers giving us our food and fruit! In the natural course of foraging for food and shelter, animals also disperse seeds bringing in the crop. If a community will thrive it will automatically come from the natural ‘self considering’ activities of women not those of self negation, therefore it is important to be and get the best for you.

Many life process and systems are designed to be ‘built in’ and seamlessly woven into the flow of life. When you have to ‘wind thing up’ ‘over-exert yourself’ even ‘design additional systems’ e.g. set up government projects to bring about something that should be a natural by product of common life activities then you are dealing with a failed system.

She just Snapped!
I arrived home sometime last week to discover that my neighbour had trashed her house (as in smashed up the place).

Apparently the woman snapped and took a sledge hammer (or something of that nature) to the place. Now my neighbour is not black but I think her story highlights the importance of being with someone who shares the same goals both immediate and long-term, often goals that might not even been articulated properly but are deep and abiding aspirations.

From a friend I gathered that her man was an ‘out of job’ decorator. Nice enough but the fact that he was not working I believe played into the reason for the ‘incident’ in addition to other things. The woman was more or less ‘accepting’ of her husband out of work status and he looks after their son, while she works. Anyway I also learnt she was trying to buy a house (the one they were renting off the government). In order to have a chance at this, you have to keep the neighbors happy.

Well guess what, ‘endless loud music and weed smoking’ made the neighbors, write a petition against the woman and jeopardize her plans to buy the place.

My friend said the woman had asked her guy to ‘tone it down’ repeatedly and had warned him that his activities could block their attempts to secure the house. I am sure he kind of ‘got it’ but not to the necessary ‘depth’ and urgency, that was required apparently.

Indeed one thing being out of work can do is that it can make you ‘become out of touch’ with what people who have working lives do and their life flow. For instance people who work 9-5 etc most often do not play loud music on Sunday, or Saturday morning (on Saturday morning in particular because this is the time most normal workers might have for a lie-in), it just is a natural thing that springs from being in the flow of a working life or having a family set up immersed in ‘working and schooling life’ culture.

I believe the underlying major issue however was the fact that this woman was trying to secure the future for her young son. I believe from all indications this woman was of a ‘class’ that had forward plans around these kinds of things while her man was shall we say, ‘more immediate’ in concern. Let me add here that improving the prospects of the next generation with intent and purpose is to me the corner stone of a thriving community. A community that has a pattern of leaving the future of its young to chance (speaking on the family level of course) or approaches it haphazardly or gives the barest minimum it can to the effort is destined to be a ‘failed community’.

I think this was the trigger to the ‘house wrecking’ incident. This woman was doing all she could to ensure her child had a future investment and surely all a man could do was support this noble goal. What she got however was a man who was too focussed on self to not realize the wider impact of his activities (despite repeated ‘talks’) on the efforts of his partner towards securing a future investment for their son. Did the man hate his son? I doubt it, but a more immediate focus and less forward thinking can take the appearance of ‘not giving a care’.

I know many black women who are ‘with’ men focussed on their immediate pleasures and comfort while they the black women are busy trying to see how they can ‘build’ a future for the family. Imagine a situation where a man needs a hug but the wife knows hanging around to ‘cater’ to his feelings means she will miss her train to work. A man who know there is a long term focus in this respect will often compose himself and not allow such emotions to come in the way of long terms goals.

Men who throw tantrums about you catering to their ‘feelings’ or not being constantly there to stroke their little bruised egos (which no doubt in today’s society will be bumped now and again), are unlikely be able to see beyond their selves to focus on larger issues at stake like securing a better future for the children.

So we have an example of a ‘white man’ needing to grow up but in a recent project

I found myself struggling with two black male participants and the feedback coming was that ‘affirmation’ was necessary.

I however realized that the black women and white men and women on the team just ‘got on with the job’, it was the black men apparently who needed all the affirmation and building up and possibly ego stroking to get on with the basic tasks. I thought to myself, ‘It’s not affirming you need, you need to GROW UP’.

Insular mentality Part 11
Black women Please DO move mainstream

Stop huddling together with other blacks afraid of the wider world. Stop hiding away from the broader trends and broader social context looking for the black thing or the black place. Stop avoiding the broader playing fields in search of a black oasis or black controlled spaces where you think you will be supported and valued etc. On the contrary, most of these black spaces now harbour toxic dynamics and attitudes.

This need to separate out and move ‘side stream,’ is I believe a result of black people feeling that the rules of wider society were set against them, and would not let them win and at a point in history this was nothing but the truth. However in our present social context it is deadly for black women to remain always segregating towards that ‘black space’. It is in these places that they face a squeeze, devaluation, famine, cut throat competition etc etc. So essentially all black women have is the comfort of believing that these spaces are nurturing, providing and affirming but the reality is far different from what black women find comforting to believe.

When you move mainstream you give your abilities a good workout and hone and develop skills beyond mediocre (which unfortunately continues to be more than enough within black circles). You need that mental, attitudinal and ability workout from having to compete in general circles, it will make you a better and more aware person. Trust me it makes you think faster, with acuity and become more effective in your craft most importantly you are kept current and modern, understanding what applies ‘now’ as opposed to ten years ago! Sometimes you hear black folk talking and it is like they feel asleep for some decades!

You will learn how to be confident in diverse crowds, how to sell yourself well and make your services/attributes have wider appeal.

Also many black women are looking for the right thing in the wrong place. Many of us are seeking to feel accepted and that we belong in our work places. To me that’s why you have family and friends. Indeed I know a couple of black people who went to work for ‘black organisations’ because they wanted ‘warmness’ and ‘closeness’, they found something totally different! The workplace is a place to make a living mostly (not saying it isn’t welcome if you have thoughtful and amiable work colleagues) but at work, you essentially need a conducive and supportive atmosphere you don’t need to be hugged up with and loved up with your work colleagues!

Yes for some of us who zone in and gravitate towards ‘black this and that’, it can be scary, to think you have to ‘brave’ a wider world (constructed as hostile within the black perspective) but beyond the initial trepidation you are more than likely to receive a favourable response. In the wider context you will find a market for the practical, expedient and that which is good value for money, however within black circles I often find that you have no clue what black folk want and sometimes in the face of real practical needs black folk will prefer to play status games!

I know many ‘progressives’ continue to construct the world as untenably racist for black folk. Now I am beginning to think that many ‘progressives’ hold hidden motives to keep the status quo going, yet unlike their right leaning brethren are unaware of it.

Move outwards and breath fresher air.

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Black women and an insular mentality Part I

2010-10-11T01:12:00.004+01:00

I used to attend a Christian church which needed to employ a drummer.
Now I know one or two female drummers but they tend to be rare breeds at least around here. Anyway a woman drummer was recommended to me and I followed up by giving her a call to find out if she would be available for work. What I found at the end of the phone line was a surly, ill mannered woman who couldn’t even be bothered to be pleasant and enthused about the offer of a job. After a monosyllabic conversation (on her part), I booked her to play one session at least, against my instinct over the situation and surely as I expected, she turned up late and couldn’t join the musicians etc etc. So the whole thing was a failure and I still had to pay her travel costs!

Folks those of you who have instrument skills know that it is hard to get. It takes patience, and discipline and nights of frustration when you want to throw the trumpet at the wall. Why would anyone go through what it takes to acquire such a generally rare skill to hamper it with poor manners.

Now I know musicians are known for being absolute divas but often this is after they have become recognized masters at their craft and when they have achieved the fame and money. This woman was in the market for a job as a drummer, and not some famous and well paid star, so why the bad attitude towards a prospective employer?

After thinking about this for a while I came up with my theory.

This woman was of African descent and therein I believe lies the key.

Now in the UK Africans have a large network of ‘Pentecostal churches’, some attended by anything up to 2,000 people on Sunday (very small compared to US I know!). I believe that this young woman didn’t feel the need to ‘cultivate’ outer contacts or be ‘open’ to wider approach because she believed (and maybe was correct), that she would be well taken care of within her community network (where have we come across this attitude before lol!). Remember the biblical parable told by Jesus that I keep mentioning, about the ‘wise’ manager who only ‘discovered’ a need to cultivate wider friendships when he learnt he was about to be ’fired’!

Yes, its all good and well to be insular and turn your nose at networking wider, but what happens when black community becomes a place of unfulfilled dreams, and famine for black women for instance in finding interested men who want to marry? What happens when she is not able to get her needs met within said community eg she needs to make a living outside it?

Indeed, this whole insular attitude thing I believe speaks to another key issue. Black women often package themselves for ‘their community’. I see it all around me as I go to and fro in my daily journeys. They present themselves, dress themselves, have mannerisms, emote etc in ways that are understood subliminally to make them black community property. Its very intangible very subtle, but I believe there is metaphorically speaking a ‘uniform’ that black women don that denotes them as Black community items you know, ‘if found please return to your nearest black community’ kind of thing going on. Designed to appeal only within and be available to only the black community, its men and its people. The thing here is that many of us who hope to broaden our horizons, go around with the same uniform unknowingly mostly because we mimic each other and possibly on some level think, ‘this is how black women are suppose to dress‘.

I think this is one reason why black women can be teeming around white men and vice versa yet somehow white men do not ‘see’ them. On some level black women have been filed under ‘reserved for black only’. We are hidden in plain sight because we are in a dress and presentation code which is picked up and understood to locate one rigidly within black only and one which says, we welcome only interaction overtures from blacks.

Black in love with color black
There is just something about the color black that black women cant do without. Most of the black women around me, if not dressed head to toe in the stuff, have at least two items of clothing that are black (I am outing myself here as a black wearer also!). Is it because it is safe, neutral or a color to hide many sins or maybe we can wear it with other things (as in a black shoe can be worn with so many other colors but not the same with say blue).

May suggestion is try and look at other neutral colors, give greys a go or browns. Add something quirky to your ensemble. A signal to tell people, ‘Hey woman of the world coming through’.

And you know the kicker here, Weaves and straight styles have become a part of this ‘black uniform’. Nothing marks black women out as ‘firmly within her community,’ than that parted straight weave style that many black women wear!

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What would white feminsists do?

2010-10-03T00:01:00.009+01:00

Imagine this scenerio:

A black woman walks into a shop with an object in her hand, she says ‘I have this object here that is shaped in a unique and different way. ‘Can you find me a bowl/container that will fit round it or be enough to ‘encompass’ it in its entirety?

There is this white woman there managing the store and she has a group of assistants, these assistants happen to be black women and they look at the object and after a few minutes their faces take on a semi contemptuous look towards the object.

‘Sorry’ they say, ‘Your object has to fit into one of these ‘standard’ containers we have here or it really isn’t a ‘valid’ ‘worthwhile’ object, in fact you will have to go and file it down and knock off bits of it to get it to fit one of these 'universal' bowls, which is really the ‘accepted’ container that all such objects need to be able to fit into!’

Well, this is exactly what bw are expected to do; to fit their issues, their responses and reactions, the nuances of their situation and their ‘understanding’ of what ails them into accepted feminist frameworks developed from a white female perspective and thought process. If these don’t fit, black women are expected and asked to take them away and make sure they cut off ‘an arm’ or ‘a leg’ so that it fits neatly with ‘white female theories’ and views of the female world and their acceptable analysis of such things.

RE: NWNW

Halima, virtually all of the confusion among bw regarding this issue and many others is due to bw contorting themselves to accommodate the damaged thinking and behavior of bm.

Since the bulk of black males in the West have adopted the thinking and behaviors that are out of sync with the norms of most cultures, societies and groups in the world, black women suicidally adjust their thinking and behavior to follow suit. This is THE pattern of behavior of the masses of bw.

For ex. I cannot imagine more than a handful (if even that many) of bw arguing that it's fine for them to have massive numbers of children OOW by white men or Asian men. LOL! They would NEVER do that. It's only because they're having these children by black males who won't marry them and assume the role of men and responsible fathers, that these women are making this foolish argument. Why? It's because so many AA women and bw of that type have been programmed for centuries to adjust for (emphasis added by halima) and be self-sacrificing for non-reciprocating, hateful bm- Evia

Most black female theorists have also gone on a mission to insure that they too fit their struggles into these 'boxes' created by white female thought processes and priorities. Yes it is fascinating for me to note how even fellow bw are struggling to force their fellow black women's issues into the neat box as prepared by white feminists, a box constructed with their world in mind, a box that fits and was made to fit with how their issues are shaped and how things 'occur for them'.

On the surface it might appear that black women's issues have fitted neatly into white feminists boxes and the 'elevation' of black womanhood is on the way 'thank God', but before long you realize that 'a foot is missing' or a 'hand has not been adequately covered' or the head has had to be twisted into a painful angle to ensure it is contained within the box.

It is worrying to note how fellow black women invalidate the concerns of other black women when 'it does not neatly fit into boxes' prepared by a white feminist thought process and priorities!

I indeed find it worrying to note that the way bw approach the concepts and terms of white female theory (read: feminism) as if it was handed down from mount Sinai (along with the ten commandments); perfect and universal, ready to apply to and fit with issues for every female of every shade, hue and culture and every female issue that ever occurs. I am even more concerned that many black women who puport to be feminist do not realize that we arrived at the current feminist theoretical framework through years of arguing and discussing and dissecting and putting together and again tearing apart and revaluating and dissenting (in fact there are only a few core ideas of feminism endorsed across all the strands of feminism and yes there are many strands some locked in perpetual battle with each other) and chopping and changing the structure to make it accomodate all white women were feeling, saying, experincing expressing etc etc.

I am surprise to note that many bw do not know that white women brought their feelings (honoured and valued how they felt about certain things even when these were sneered at by the wider community), to the table, also bringing their experiences, their priorities, concerns, their heart felt emotions, things they raged against, thing they could not fit neatly into 'progressive frames', things they couldnt justify yet felt strongly about etc etc etc and when these had finally been assembled, they now Encased All of these in a framework called feminism.

Many black women who 'pledge' to be feminists, act like feminist theories are set in stone, sacred and cannot be adapted to suit but must be applied as is! Many act like black women are to be held prisoners to the precepts of feminism rather than the precepts being there for the purpose of serving black women's needs be they practical, spiritual, intellectual, existential, and what have you. Essentially to serve the 'essence' and preservation of black womanhood!

Note the conversation that goes on when black women bring the enitrety of their issues forward to try to ensure a robust enough framework to comprehensively fit and address their situation:

BW- ‘I feel this way about this’,
Feminist Gatekeeper -‘Oh well it doesn’t fit well into this pre prepared box here, so it definitely is invalid to include as an important feminist issue.’

BW-'This issue keeps recurring so it is central to our situation'.
Feminsist Gatkeeper- ‘Well this issue actually goes against the ‘already prepared version of events’ laid out as acceptable feminist frame, therefore it has to be discounted.’

BW- 'I feel strongly about this and think my feelings must count'
FGK- 'Well those feelings go against our decisison never to upset A or speak out against C or to bring up B for revaluation or indict D for their inhumanity and since we hold these restrictions central please be off with it'.

And so on and on it goes until bw are forced into a feminist model that ill fits their struggle.

You would have thought that by now black women theorists would realise that you first gather together all black women’s concerns, needs, honor their feelings and cares and hunches, their observations AND THEN build a feminist model around all these, rather than cut of the salient and important parts of the narrative as it stands for black women, in order that it may ‘fit’ into the design that white female theorists (read: white feminists) have decided to be ‘appropriate’.

I can almost here Jesus say, 'The sabbath was made for (wo)man, (wo)man was not made for the sabbath'

BW need to take care because:
A whole bunch of folk are trying to force black women into modes and models that are not 'meaningful' for black women and the black woman's situation, in fact some of these models will lead black women into even greater 'tragedy'.

Feminsism is not about big language and something that exists in 'theorectical space'. Feminsism is about the practical and how women can make it better for themselves in the now (more so for black women who are at the negative end of so many social trends). I mean what is the point if your feminsim is simply theory and all about intellectual debating as black women fall deeper and deeper into the pit. Surely your framework can only be useful if it provides for the immediate survival and rescue of the black female!

If the terrain is different the wheel might need to be re-invented!

White women have been granted the 'social space' to hash out their issues and come up with the approporaite models to work with. I dont see this happening with black women with all and sundry (white men, black men and white women) closing in on what should be internal debates to lecture them on what should be 'the appropraite models' for their struggles (of course models that skirt the exposing of the major culprits in their situation). My question remains, 'Where is that granted 'social space' for bw to go through the process (as white owmen were allowed to), to come up with meanigful concepts, ideas and models for their situation? All I see is folks rushing in to force bw into models that continue to be ill fitting for the black woman's situation.

Indeed I hear folks saying black women should eschew any models that points a finger or lays blame on black men. Pity they didnt remeber to tell that to white women when they declared an all out war to extricate themselves from under the feet of men, not more than 5 decades ago.

White women were allowed to take men to task for their behaviour as a collective towards women with no one rushing in to supress their assertions about men.

Indeed I dont recall the likes of Gloria Steinem arguing for consideration to be shown for 'the good white men' out there. But then again maybe I am wrong and she prefaced her every comment with 'there are good men out there including my brother, uncle and father!'

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5 things bw need to realize about the current black social milieu

2010-09-23T10:34:00.005+01:00

1) The black community operates by the 'The government should care more about the XYZ (imprisonment of black men, HIV infection of bw, oow etc etc) more than we should and 'we are owed' principle.

But hear me good, the government shouldn’t care more about my personal progress than I should care and be anxious about it!
I care more about my own progress to wait on the pace and timescales of any government, because it is my life on the line here! I am motivated on behalf of my own success that I will do more than any government could, to ensure I make it.

This is where black folk have lost it, by thinking and insisting that government care more about gang bangers, oow, black economic situation, than they should. Foolish foolish foolish.

This is one reason that I am slowly beginning to dislike a good section of the ’progressive’ crowd. All they want is to get as much evidence as they can to support their eternal war with the right, to show that the system isn’t working. But guess what, the evidence they require is the body count of black women broken by the current system. Indeed, having that body count, is more important than doing anything immediate to halt the ongoing disaster (HIV, STD, DV, etc). To them the ‘evidence’ is more important than saving lives, and that is why when I ask them ’Lets take a ‘short cut’ here, I am bleeding to death’, they say ‘No no' (we need your broken and destroyed bodies as evidence that the system is not working!) .

2) Black men are apolitical and immorally indifferent to the fate of community- The whole ’lets try this, this might wake them up’, ‘lets do that, that might work,’ ‘Lets try this tactic, I am sure they will realize then the need for their presence….’ is simply a waste of time! Its like trying to wake up a corpse, its not going to happen! If your ‘scheme’ in any way is ties to the ‘participation’ of black men, then count it as lost.

Accept it and save yourselves a lot of continued heartache.

Many bw cannot simply accept that black men as a collective are not in anyway concerned about what black people, the black family, black children etc etc will become, even though they have shown it abundantly that ‘saving the race’ and safeguarding black future is so far from their thoughts it could well be as far as Pluto.

The other thing I notice is that many bw are hunting and searching for that rare hens teeth of a black man who ‘has bw back‘, instead of conserving their energy and using it for more productive activities. Indeed in their desperation to know at least ‘one or two bm’ who care, they will pile all untop of any bm who ‘seems’ to be supporting bw when if they are not that emotional and desperate, they would easily see that that man has been leaving clear signs of his contempt of bw from the first day.

‘Thank you so much for defending us, thank you so much for clarifying your position…’ lol just shows you how low bw have fallen that they are profusely thankful for bones tossed their way!

They get confused when their black male idol (the black men they thought was theirs and was for them), suddenly shows by his statement that he has ’ feet of clay’ and he just (like the rest is the haters of black women) hates black women, only he was either good/clever at hiding it because he has needed to maintain this reputation for some other stuff eg sell books or a play etc. Sometimes you sense these things, you don’t need to read it in black and white before you know what a person is. Bm will continue to boldly show bw their contempt as the days go by, very soon they will feel no need to hide, particularly when you show them that you will seize upon any crumb thrown your way and use that as a ‘proof’ of how much that bm is ‘into bw and loves them’.

But I’ll give you the litmus test to know that a particular black man has a bw back (since many us might need pointers). Unless a black man says that he agrees with the general position that black men are amoral, apolitical and there is no defence or excuse for their actions and activities, then you can be at least 80% sure that this is the ‘fair-minded’ bm you seek. If a bm however tries to say, ‘some not all’, and tries to point out that some bm are doing good etc, in fact that alone makes that bm deeply suspect. In other words any ’fair-minded’ black man must be willing to take the full barrel of criticism that is coming black men’s way without in anyway trying to deflect it or share blame, I don’t care if he comes from a long line of exemplar men. Indeed any bm who can drum up some defence of the current male contingent today is better written off. He must be willing to take the full criticism. Anything less makes him suspect!

3) Perverse voices now dominate the black political discourse. Perverse voices are those who justify and defend what black people have become and the rot that has taken root within the black community. Perverse voices take some twisted satisfaction justifying the status quo often they come from a point of defending some ‘progressive principle’ yet the end result is not wanting to ’loose people from ideas and behaviour that is netting them ’less than’ and indeed taking them down.’ This is why everyday, more and more bw are on the path of destruction, because perverse voices (soothing them and urging them to keep with the status quo) abound.

I used to be naïve in thinking that ‘defending black people’ was the way to go, that this meant looking out for black people against their detractor and attackers and thus ensuring their survival and indeed wanting the best for black people. How silly, how silly was I. In the past, defending black people was necessary because black folk where trying to ‘better their situation’. They were moving along the way of progress and so defending us and pointing out the hypocrisy and the holes in the argument of others who were indeed set against the very survival of black folks, was ’clearing the way’ on the path of progress, so yes it was important to say, ‘leave black people alone‘ but not anymore!

Today it is disastrous to say, ‘leave black people let them be, stop judging and focussing on them’ in other words ‘defending black people’ because that is simply saying, ‘let them remain in the position they are in currently which on the contrary requires challenging’. Lawdy lawdy, could such a statement as ’leave black people be’ be any father away from wanting the survival of black people? Indeed this would simply be defending the rot and counter progressive posture, that black people have currently adopted.

See, when you go to those sites where their posture is ’stop picking on black people,’ ask them if there is really any ‘space’ in their approach where they actually address the fact that blacks have fallen into degeneracy (on many levels) that actually needs to be picked on and judged. Or is it so much more important to ‘let us continue down the line of destruction’.

Black folks don’t know when things swing right round and thus when an approach needs to change or else it becomes lethal. Black folk are notorious for never changing tact, never noting when a change has occurred (which invalidates a certain course of action) but constantly hang unto dead and obsolete tactics possibly out of nostalgia and attachment to some symbolic value in the approach.

contd
4) The black community says to itself, 'We know we cannot control the actions of black men, who will do what they want to wether it creates havoc or not (they are essentially out of control), so we will attempt to control black women's feelings over black men's actions'. Thus you get the constant response, 'You are bitter because a black man did XY'. Such statements are an attempt to invalidate your natural reactions to the activities of black men, to make it seem wrong and inordinate reactions, that you start to 'rewire' your own feelings!

The BC is constantly trying to make bw not feel what they should normally feel under the circumstance (they constantly try to police bw natural feelings and reactions). So anger, disillusionment, self protection instinct...all these things that arise naturally when bw look at their situation, the community is trying to prevent. If they however focussed half their attention and effort correcting the behaviour and attitudes of black men then trying to suppress the natural reactions black women have towards black mens actions, then maybe sanity would return, but no they want to control how bw feel!

which brings me to the last point

5) Most of the black community sees black women as the rescource of the community and thus 'withold' any information that could take black women up and out from this role. Yes any information that might mean bw no longer having to function as 'resource basket' from which every member of the race cancome and grab from, is quietly dropped in the bin!

And see all those folks you love and care about? They are in on this effort (though a good number are doing it simply as an 'unthinking' repetition of culture norms and ideas). Indeed the 'non thinking' state of most black women is ideal for the propagation of ideas and systems that oppress them from generation to generation. This is one key reason why unsophisticated and time warp analysis and arguments abound within black discourse. Indeed you sometimes go to 'black events' and wonder, 'Am I back in time talking about obsolete stuff?'.

Keeping the discussions, understanding and analysis 'incomplete' and unsophisticated is an effective tool to maintain the oppressive staus quo (Peggy Mckintosh)

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

I can’t stand black men, is this Healthy? (update)

2010-09-14T18:01:00.005+01:00

image from yahoo

Newsflash Newsflash

Woman who claims 'black woman' attacked her with acid admits she caused her own injuries!

Already the 'exusers' are lining up including a senior police officer (who possibly worked on the case) Read here

Letter from reader
I can't even stand the sight of black men! When I see black men I make certain assumptions about them and I have always said that I couldn't ever see myself married to a black man. I feel convicted about feeling this deep disdain towards them. I want to be a healthy individual who makes relationship choices that are free of such baggage. What can I do about my disdain for black men and how do I ensure my admiration for white men isn’t springing from this ugly place?- CC

From what I can gather you are simply fed up with the actions of black men, is it really deeper than that? And I don’t see it as invalid in anyway that black women should be 'fed up' because black women are being treated horribly by black men (it isn’t a figment of our imagination). When someone steps on my toe, I shout out with pain (especially if they are wearing stilettos). To me your angry emotions and developing bad feelings towards black men is just as natural. It is the effect from a real cause and the cause is their shabby treatment of black women.

I am aware that in the age of armchair psychoanalysis, many people have begun to feel that their natural and normal reactions are somewhat invalid and wrong. Indeed black women are constantly preached to against being angry and bitter against black men! To me this is very strange, and I don’t see how these feelings are anything but natural in the face of the misuse and mistreatment meted out by black men. Indeed have black men done good? If not then why do others want to make black women feel that their feelings in this regard are surprising in fact unnatural, greeting them with 'where is it coming from' kind of astonishment.

If I said I was fed up with white racism, and the many ways white men and woman oppress and victimize black people, I doubt that anybody would question those feelings as illegitimate or invalid. I seriously doubt any would rush to me to say, ‘hush chil’ or say that because I haven’t yet, ‘interacted’ with all white people, it is wrong for me to feel that way towards all whites! Instead, my comments would receive nods of agreement as other black people identified with feeling fed up and frustrated with the actions and activities of whites. The fact that racism exists in the attitudes and behaviour of a significant portion of white people is reason enough for my feelings to be accepted as valid and understandable, even if these feelings overshoot to other white people who may not be racist. Yet black women are looked at askance if they express mild disapproval of black men!

I find it beyond funny that when a black woman speaks about the black female situation and how black men play a role, she is suddenly deemed ‘bitter’ as if being bitter somehow invalidates what she is saying. Folks does this mean that bitter feelings against your mistreatment/situation is wrong? Are you suppose to clap and dance about being ill treated? So how does this work, are you suppose to only legitimately speak when you are giddy with happiness and joyous at a bad situation? One would think that it’s actually people who have suffered a situation that can speak up with clarity and passion about the issue.

So it is legitimate to be wary of whites after repeated incidents of racism, it is only natural, yet black women are suppose to be bruised and battered by black men again and again, yet retain a generous and confident disposition towards them! What’s up with that? Why must black women be willing to give black men umpteenth benefits of doubts but on the other hand treat white men with deep suspicion even when she has never faced even near as much ‘misuse’ from white men, in fact anything she knows about their actions is second hand information given that she has never even shared coffee with one! Hmmm

We know that racio-misogyny is real and is present in black men’s responses and reactions to black women. We see and experience it everyday and the signs of it are clear and all about us how black men target black women with aggression. So why should you not feel a measure of anger, rage and chagrin at black men especially since they have returned evil for all the goodwill black women have shown them!

No doubt the lack of challenge of black men's actions in the black community and the denying of black women their legitimate anger has lead to suppressed feelings which have now exploded and are ten times worse than they should have been if they had not be subject to invalidation and suppression!

Should you try to reign in these feelings? Possibly, if balance is important and you want to live life based on higher principles and good conscience, and holding onto this chagrin is not part of what you want to be about, then yes go ahead and work on resolving these feelings. That you can reflect inwardly in such a way and apply a deep analysis to yourself and recognize that something might have to give, tells me you will not have too much trouble here!

Readers are free to add comments especially around the impact of feeling this way and pursuing an IR (No anonymous comments unfortunately as they will get swallowed up in the attack of spam that this blogsite has been experiencing)

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Reply to Readers Comments

2010-09-07T17:24:00.001+01:00

Comment sent by black man after BWIR Circle was linked on CNN

I find this whole notion of “black” women dating Caucasian men as an alternative to dating black men to be unfortunate and an absurdity at best.

Black women CAN NOT, repeat CAN NOT exist without black men. Neither black women nor black women can reproduce themselves without each other. The notion that black women would or should consider white men as an alternative to black men is grossly selfish which is by large the biggest problem with relationships in a western society, the almighty EGO. Consider that a black female would say I want a man so bad, nearly any man will do, even if that selection means that I cannot reproduce myself and propel my race into the future. Contrary to popular belief, a bi-racial child is no more black that he or she is white. Consider if black women in large chose this remarkably selfish perspective. The black race as we have understood it historically would cease to exist in this country.

Now please allow me to express that race is more so a social construct than it is a biological construct. However, I will say that children reared in a racist society will certainly not want to identify themselves a “black” especially when they bare less and less resemblance to their African heritage. I can go on and on but I believe it’s not difficult to see how incredibly selfish it would be for black women to begin actively engaging white men as an alternative to black men. If black women want “good” black men my suggestion is to raise one! To much of the trifle behaviour exhibited by black men can be attributed to their poor upbringing by confused mothers and absent fathers.

Response

Even though there are a couple of misconceptions about what we BWE do in your letter e.g. that we suggest dating white men ‘as an alternative to black men‘, I will skip over those to focus on the key issues I think need to be addressed here.

When you say that black women cannot exist without black men, I take it to mean that you think that black women cannot forge a life without black men. It is a pity that it is only when black women seem to be charting a life course that is ’independent’ of black men that we suddenly start getting all the warning and finger wagging. I am wondering why black men are not given the same stern warning that they, cannot exist without black women, given how their interracial dating and marrying is way higher and in places three times the rate of black women. Indeed one could argue that they seem to be managing to exist, pretty well without black women. This scuppers any suggestion that we are somewhat dependent in black men for existence don’t you think, since they seem to be getting on pretty well without black women!

Re reproducing self, I don’t think that the average everyday human is overtly concerned about race engineering, as this is a project best left to the Creator. All a human being can do it try to live the best life they can and make the best life with the resources and choices available to them. The recreating of the black race does not rest only on the activities and ‘say so’ of black women neither is it supposed to continue to be something only black women care about and sacrifice towards, while black men simply supply the male seed (which appears to by and large be how it is being played!). Indeed as things stand, it is left for black men to show the commitment to both recreating and sustaining the black race for it to be a viable project.

You have used the word ‘selfish’ quite a number of times in your comment. It is amazing how many times you have used the word selfish to qualify black women’s actions regarding interracial dating. It is a bit of a surprise to me given that the people who could aptly be described as selfish then are black men who are dating out way in excess of the numbers that black women date out, but then again, I suppose it is no surprise when black men confront this issue in a very hypocritical and self-serving manner, putting black women in line for condemnation while black men escape any mention!

You want us to consider that the black race will decline because of the actions of black women without giving any consideration to the fact that black men’s actions in this regard would end the race a generation ahead of the actions of black women, not to even mention the mass abandonment of their black families that black men practice throughout the western world. For being this hypocritical and biased, I don’t think that anyone need take your comments seriously!

P.S As for the comment about black women raising a man to marry, what kind of nonsensical reasoning is contained in that suggestion? Surely black women deserve a serious response to their concerns…I think so, even if you don’t!

Please note, no anonymous comments will be published so please give yourself a title even if you do not have a google account. There has been an excess of spam at this site recently and so to save myself the hassle of opening spam any anonymous comments will just be deleted!

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

BWE principles for immediate application

2010-09-01T12:03:00.002+01:00

If you have ever asked, what does it mean for me to be an individually empowered black women along the lines of BWE, three basic principles of BWE are as follows.

Black women’s overall situation is dire and in need of improvement
This means that it is not a figment of our imagination to point out the issues facing black women and the factors and actors playing a part in it all. It also means that there should be no defending or justifying the status quo or what black women have been forced to become under the current terms, or excusing it or the actors and factors that have created the situation. You will find many black perspective websites doing one or two of these eg excusing or justifying 70% OOW as a choice or saying it isnt irregular and something to 'counter'.

If as a black woman you are given to justifying or excusing the current existence of black women even by offering the excuse that ‘others face it too’, or by being in denial and claiming, ‘its not that bad,’ then one does wonder if black women’s empowerment is really a concern and priority for you. Does it mean there are no black women thriving or living well now? No. Does it mean that black women do not have a hand in their own undermining? No, but black women have largely been in the receiving end of the social dynamics and even if they have buckled and given in and mimiced the system, they are still its boggest victims.

So recognizing what is going on for and with black women is the first step. Realize that a force (through human agents), is trying to push black women's head under water!
Muledom for black women is struck out from BWE mindset
This means that black women being on earth for the simple aim of servicing the black community, to fix what is broken or to continue to toil and slave even in futility is a no-no within BWE ideology. Many out there claim they are putting black women first or they care about them but are quick to point out how black women should ‘bridge this gap’ or ‘fulfil this role’ etc etc. I strayed unto a website once where a black woman was so indignant that some black women would choose not to stoop and pick up the race burden on their backs. I was like wow! I did not realize that the emancipation Proclamation did not extend to black women, and that whether we like it or not we have to assume the burden for the race. I realized it was no more about moral obligation, the sentiment I get from those upset that some black women have cast down the black race burden is that we were supposed to be enslaved to it like the Galley slaves of the old roman ships that were told, ‘We keep you alive to serve this ship, row well… and live...’ Think about that for a second, as a black women you are not supposed to have a choice but to martyr yourself for your community, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY NO.

A BWE woman is not about being a mule or a food basket for others, no way! She has put away that burden!

Navigating the Current Reality to secure the best deal is key
The current reality requires skill and the acquisition of knowledge to get ahead. As BWE woman you will not be more engrossed with changing the system than about securing a good life in the now for yourself. Heresy? Yes I know it feels like that to many black women who have been conditioned to care for and slave for everyone and feel ashamed for not throwing themselves under the horses hooves for justice for the whole earth! It's strange isnt it, that black women feel peturbed for not supporting with her whole might every and any justice movement going, but others are not burdened with such a moral dilemma and feel no way about dealing decietfully with fellow black female justice seekers.

Black women have carried every justice movement going from feminism to race etc with very little to show for it. This is largely as a result of fighting the good fight with allies who are not true allies but are out to get their issues sorted without considering how black women's needs fit into the picture, thats if they even consider that black women have needs different to theirs to start with! It is self-sabotage for black women to persist in fighting for a justice movement which does not include them and within which members continue to employ and deploy the forces of race and gender oppression against black women!

Navigate the system to your personal advantage dont be a fool!

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Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Dear Jade, dont Divorce your Husband!

2010-08-20T11:25:00.005+01:00

I was quitely taking note of how folks where ‘advising’ the woman at the centre of the Dr Laura debacle to ‘divorce’ her husband. Wow!

Apparently divorce is a thing you can just do…you know easily. You just skip out of marriage just like playing Hop Scotch or something.

I am still wondering at those black women recommending ‘divorce’. Possibly another indicator of the high number of single black women out there, who clearly do not know what a serious relationship looks like or takes.

I also noted how black men where ‘all up in it’ also calling for the woman to divorce him (of course after branding her a sell-out!). Then again I don’t expect anything else from black men, at least they know how to defend their self-interest. No one could ever accuse black men of ever being confused about how their interest is served in any situation. I mean they can spot it at 1000 paces, an insight that I think was somehow switched off in black women, who dont know they actually do have something called 'self interest' which needs... you know, defending and attending to from time to time!

I wonder how many of those black women would advice a bw whose black husband called her a ‘Nappy headed HO’ to divorce their husbands for such a ‘high insult.’ I am sure they will recommend seeing a pastor or bringing in his uncle or family members to talk to him etc etc, even getting a thug to give him a 'once over', but divorce? I doubt it. Sure the blame game would start if they have no advice, it would the usual, 'Why didnt she know he would turn out that way' etc etc. I mean black women are suppose to have extra sensory perception as standard dont you know! Black women are all precogs, able to fortell the future to such accurate detail as to know the time and date when a slight will be made against their person no matter how young or old. Even preteens have this ability to understand the antics of predatory men twice their age, thats why we blame them when they fall victims to such ('Guuuurl you didnt get precognition, you better go rght back to the manufacturer ASAP'). (sarcasm off).

You see folks want us to believe that we bw who are open to dating white men and others are bending over backwards to accommodate for white men. Dears this is a huge big lie! Bw have bent over double to accommodate for black men and are still doing so now. Nothing that bw are doing currently to date white men even goes half way to compare to how much bw have done to be with bm. Even if bw were to leap from 6 floors into the arms of every white man in the country it still would go no way to even the score. Bw have done everything including demeaning themselves to changing their natural features (weaved up, bleached up etc etc) just so that black men don’t overlook them and folks want you to compare that with saying ‘Hi’ to a white man first. Lol! GTHOHWTBS.

Write this down:

If black people cannot head bw off interracial dating, as they increasingly aren’t able to, they will do the next best thing which is to totally complicate it so the chance of it happening is zilch or the sheer exhaustion will make you run away from it, if that doesn’t work they will ask you to divorce your white husband because he said ‘pass the salt’ without prefacing it with the word please!

This is how it goes folks

Don’t date white men- If that doesn’t succeed then…
Hold out for the kind of white man who doesn’t exist in real life - eg a white man who has never had a racist thought in his life ( in other words ‘white manus unicornus‘)
Or complicate your relationship and put it through all sorts of hassles until it 'dies' from sheer exhaustion

Or divorce him as soon as he says a word out of place.

Indeed I was invited to read a website a few months ago where bw were arguing about what they can and cannot do to get with white guys. Do you know there was a black man all up in there, arguing that black women should hold out and not be easy, and if he saw black women running up behind a white man, he would have a word ra ra ra! You would have thought these women were debating inviting white men to their bedrooms lol! All these women were discussing was wether to say hi or talk to the guy they were attracted to first. And there were all these women agreeing with this black man instead of first asking themselves, 'why is this bloke up in here to start with?' and 'what business does he have in how black women and white men get together?' You see bw don’t ask themselves these most basic questions that even folks with an IQ of 30 can ask and thus understand the underlying motivation of such third parties.

Where the vultures are circling overhead you are likely to see a carcas, and so wherever you see a black man urging black women on, you can take bets that its one more of those ’foot shooting expeditions’ that black women are in the midst of for sure!

I have one sincere prayer and that is that a new generation of bw will be born soon, that don’t have their brain wired back to front, so that all these easy to spot scams, will not continue to be ‘run’ on them with such ease!

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com