Give it up or Embrace the fruits thereof...(updates in green!)

"I hate white men so much,
I'd sign up to be used and abused by black men If it will help them in their quest to rise above white men"

Do you know how farmers in indonesia catch monkeys ?

They build little wooden cages and put peanuts inside and set them down in the middle of the forest where monkeys are known to inhabit.

The farmers are so sure of the effectiveness of their plan, that they then return home for the night. Anyway, no sooner have they left the vicinity that monkeys descend from the trees where they have been hidding, to investigate the cages. They are chattering excitedly and when they see the peanuts, they are even more excited. Each monkey makes for the cages containing the peanut. The monkeys have to hold their hands up and straight (in the manner you would hold out your hand for a handshake) to fit into the cage spaces. They pick up the nuts easily enough but then comes the snag. They try to pull out their 'bunched round the peanut' hand and it is not happening. Their bunched fists are bigger than the cage spaces. They keep trying to force their hands back out but to no avail.

As soon as they flatten their fists and thus let go of the peanuts, they can extract their hands from the cage with ease. But they want the peanuts, they refuse to let go of it, so they keep trying to pull out the peanuts contained within the bunched fist.

So bent on having the peanuts are these monkeys, that the farmers still find them at the task of trying to get their bunched hands out of the cage the next day. They haul as many as they can off to sell or for captivity.

Attention: Attention: Young black woman? Looking to talk about empowernment? See

A few days ago I highlighted in a discussion that black women have a deep resentment towards white men, which they refuse to give up. A commentor also gave an example of an incident were a black woman threatened to 'cut up' a white man who brushed past her. That incident reminded me of a similar experince I had, when I got unto a bus to discover a black woman and white man having this most hate filled exchange. You could feel the deep well of hatred there, and that it wasnt just whatever had just transpired that was the issue here. I agree with Felicia and have indeed written in my book (see below) that black women blame white men for the failure of black men and the mess of the community and this is one of the key causes of this deep well of hatred and anger against white men. And it is so easy to trigger these feelings and get black women going in this hatred. I see black men press the button to charge up hate in black women so frequently. In fact yesterday I was at a meeting and a black man started going on about 'the man,' immediately black women in the audience started giving the 'amen', 'thats right,' and got all side tracked in their white folks blame session. The truth was that this man had been under pressure to account for something and he immediately wiggled out by redirecting the focus.

Black women will never win if people can wind up their emotions at will and when they can get them side tracked so easily. Folks understand black women's psychology well and it is all down to the fact that we have refused to be sensible and reasonable and to value comonsense and wisdom. That's it simply, we are so predictable in our hangup and hates. And even if white man do not know whats up, they still sense the deep resentment festering.

But not just that black women have a hatred of white men, they do not want this anger resolved. They are sworn to an eternal feud with white men. Even if this hatred is costing them greatly, they cling to it and wont give it up. In fact there is a part of their identity that is built on it and they believe that they would be lost without this 'centering' hatred of white men. Yep what is a black woman without this hate and anger at white men to ruminate on!

See everyone else have learnt or is learning to get along, even white men and black men. Visit London and you will see how many black men and white men go out to the pubs and are in deep freindships. Even criminal gangs are known to be integrated. I was shocked to open a paper one day with an article stating that gangs had learnt their way around the police by using their stereotypes against them ie white man in the getaway car etc.

So indeed while everyone has managed to or is making great strides in being sensible about others so they can get along and function effectively in a multicultural environment, black women have instead chained themselves to railings of their bitterness and anger particularly at white men.

Thats often why bw are going round and round in circles over their dating options. Sometime some of us think we are talking to black women who we can help, what we dont recognize is that it is this hate that is in the way of them being free to consider other men (yes other non-black men apart from white get entangled in this hate). Indeed and more importantly these women are struggling because the issue is about them giving up their dearly beloved need to retain this right to hate white men. Anyone with half a brain can see that interracial dating is the way out for loads of black women, so why is this option skirted and avoided or down played (indeed whole conferences are held where black women never even talk about this option staring them in the face). In truth it is the hatred of white men holding black women hostage. plain and simple!

And dont be fooled with the protestations of 'I just want to honor my race and I love my brothas etc', very few black women are motivated by just this sentiment. This overwhelming 'love' of all things black is twined up with bitterness and hatred for white males. No matter how they try to slice it, this is about black women saying, 'The White man has done black people wrong, he must remain my eternal foe.' 'I will never let go of my anger, I will stew in my bitterness and I will never do anything that could resolve it, and if it costs me my chance at happiness, companionship, children, so be it!'

continued....

After years of churning on these feelings, a black woman can become attached to it and fearful of loosing her hate because she believes that it undergirds her committment to her race. 'White male focussed hate', now stands on a sacred altar which can never be taken down, no matter how hard it makes life's journey.

My advice to black women is, 'LET IT GO'.

Pour away the hate!

You are not bound nor obliged to continue ancient feuds and to sacrifice your life for them. Give it up, it is not worth your limited and restricted life. You might think this, but no one requires you to hold the torch for the race in this way. I know some of you think, 'Some of us must keep alive this hate for white men, our race requires it'.

We have let our lives be poisoned and restricted unncessarily. Yes I am firmly convinced that black men dont even have as much hate and resentment towards white men as we do, which is probably not suprising given that black women always get to carry the heavier load and this case encouraged to continue to carry the most toxic load that will poison them and sabotage their lives!

If you must pray, fast or go for counselling or perform a 'pouring away' ritual, to let go of white male hate, then do so, so you can move forward with your life and stop being trapped in negative feelings.

Let it go.


But for others who do not feel they can let go of these feelings and that it is important to despise white men as a symbolic gesture for the race, then I want you to embrace it, feel comfortable with it and with the fruits it will yield. Stop running back and forth and being of double mind. Dont be all over the place, ie one day on IR blogs and then the other, at websites that encourage these hateful feelings. Be grounded and settled in your decision to continue in your negative perspective.

I am saying this because a number of you are vacillating; today one position, tomorrow another. Today 'maybe interracial dating', tomorrow, 'maybe not'. And you have yo yoed like this for years, its not just a thing of a few months. Come to the understanding that it is your need to hang on to your negative emotions against white men that is causing you to be unsettled, and then, just embrace your resentment of white men and be done with it.

Tell yourself 'I want to retain this anger, it is useful to me to have it and it is very essential for my world view'. Make peace with this position and commit to whatever it brings, it will be a much healthier approach than bouncing all over the place.
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'Mommy of my Kids'

I just wanted to point out something that struck me recently folks.

Did you notice that when Michael Jackson wanted to beget offspring, in all the cases where this was highly possible, he choose to put himself in with white women (Lisa-Marie, Debbie Rowe and the other unknown woman who is more than likely to have been white).

But when MJ suddenly needs a Mammy, to do the hard bit of raising, the choice became all to clear. Indeed look at the first and second, in fact only choices he made on that matter.


'Mammy of my Kids'

Now some folks will be saying, 'Its just coincidence etc etc.' Sure it is.

Not once, twice but thrice did MJ choose a white women to bear his kids or potentially do so as in the case of Lisa-Marie but not once but twice did MJ nominate black women to be the carers (Katherine Jackson and Diana Ross) now that he has passed. If you have also kept an eye out for these things, you will notice that Michael Jackson consistently choose black nannies for his children (who were very aggressive in their roles of protecting them from outsiders).

Now Black women lend me your ears cause I wanna tell you something:

You need to be very careful of black men because many are assigning you your roles and status based on the 'Handbook of White Supremacy'.

Yes I can agree that it might not even be a conscious thought in their minds, but this makes it all the more dangerous; uncritical black men who mimic and model racist thinking and racist practices.

Do not even bother to try to open their eyes to the pattern of their unconscious thinking or 'educate' them, as I heard someone took it upon themselves to do with the man who put together the 'light skin only' party. Any black man who has to be told, informed or made aware of his own racist actions, is already lost.

Let the drift wood float away!



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When you are in your 20's...

...You can afford to play around and mess about with crucial and critical issues around the reality of black women and the condition of the so called 'Black Community.' Indeed in my last post, it was revealed that it was an 18 year old that decided to 'bless' us with her broad knowledge of the world and lecture us on how things should be, that is before scuttling back to, 'Y'all are grown ass women' when we decided to engage her on the points she raised.

I feel sorry for a host of black women who are taking notes from women under 25 on these critical issues as raised on these blogs. Now I have nothing against young black women giving advice, but a 24 year old black woman and a 34 year old black woman are in a different place, they are in different seasons requiring different priorities and with different opportuntities available to them. Do you know where you are on the time/priorities spectrum?

Yes I was doing my trawl round blogsphere and came across the comments of a black woman who said that now she was in her thirties, she could 'see' the sense in a lot of the stuff that Black women IR/Black women empowernment bloggers had been saying all along.

See it wasnt that we were not making sense, it was that we didnt need to make sense to her at a time before now. She could afford to dismiss the key issues we were raising, for a few more rounds on the merry go round before she realized that it was time to get off and face reality. But you can imagine all the women she must have given 'bad' advice to based on where she was (at a place of not needing to get real or take these issues seriously) in the past. Some of you are lapping up advice from women who are either so very ok with being self-sacrificing mules or who can afford a few more years of joking about with critical issues. Some of you are taking directions from such ones, looking at their content and happy faces on the merry-go-round and deciding, 'well if CC is unperturbed then maybe I shouldnt, there must be some hope.'

I am sorry but I cannot teach black women comonsense. I know that black women have had their comonsense and survival instincts screwed with, to make them better 'zombies' working for others, but black women have to find a way to come up with some kind of framework within which they can sort themselves out and stop being 'used' and conned by others so easily.

At anything from 18-30 black women can afford to 'blast' IR and Empowernment bloggers and the critical issues they are trying to get black women to confront. The problem comes when some of you who are at an age where these issues are critical, listen to such ones and base your decisions or put off your decisions because of what they are saying.

Deep down I think some of you do not want to survive and to achieve what you want from life, if you did, some of these things would need no spelling out. You would already know what kinds of actions and philosophies would get you where you want to be and not just that, you would have the courage to step out and do what is needed.

Maybe all this confusion and 'headlessness' is because black people in the West are no longer proverb-telling cultures. Jesus taught so much with proverbs and sayings, and I think these proverbs caused people to both think rather than operate on auto pilot, but it also had a way of by-passing human psychological guards and the rebellion against being told what to do.

There is a Nigerian proverb I learnt that says:

When the Lizard and the Mouse go out to play in the rain, the Lizard comes back and is dry in no time, while the Mouse is still wet and cold.

Now according to an aunt, this proverb is used to tell children and adults that they must be aware of their particular circumstances before they go along with everyone or anyone else because it might not turn out for them the way it will for others. In this case the Mouse did not take into consideration that it had a furry coat as opposed to the leather skin of the Lizard which lent itself to rapid drying.

Black women are a diverse group across age, beliefs in their worth and in what they think they are due and what treatment think they deserve. They generate ideas, view points and critiques based on these different positions, therefore it behoves you to determine where each black woman is across a range of key issues before you jump into their car and ride off with them.
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An update on a previous post...


When any black man will do!




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A reponse that deserves a comment

An anonymous commentor left the following response on one of my past articles. It didnt quite fit in so I decided to make it a post on its own and one that will give an opportunity to address a few issues raised by black women who can be largely defined by the term 'race women'.

Interesting post. I find it interesting that you assume so much about the mentality of black women who openly prefer black men over other races and are not very open to IR dating. I can't speak for all these women but I will speak for myself.

I never have nor do I think I ever will date a white man, ever. This has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to remain loyal to black men or boost their egos and has everything to do with my personal beliefs and my goals. I am very "racially conscious" and I make a point to discuss race-related issues whenever I get a chance to because I am aware that racism is still very rampid and across the globes blacks are not equal to whites. I cannot imagine walking the path I have laid out for myself with a white man by my side. It simply would not work. I would be a walking representation of everything that has gone wrong in my community. In addition to this I do not believe a white man could ever fully understand my struggle as a black woman. I do not think a black man could fully understand it either being that he is a man and I am woman but as a child of a black woman and having grown up in black skin he can gain a pretty decent understanding of my vision and my life. I do not want to have to educate my partner on things I think are so obvious. And when it comes down to it I am not attracted to white men. Physically they are not appealing to me and do absolutely nothing for me.

That being said, I am not against IR relationships. I have family members who are biracial or involved in IR relationships and I have no problem with it and think love is a beautiful thing no matter the color of the two people but you must recognize that IR relationships are not for everyone.

Personally I am open to dating Latinos and Asian men but I still prefer black men.

I think most people simply prefer dating people they have things in common with and as a black woman I have a lot more in common with black men than men of any other race.

I was never made to feel guilty for being attracted to men of other races. I actually wish I was more attracted to men of other races because then it would probably be easier to find a guy I'm interested in.

The first thing I need to say to the anonymous (and by extension all other women who feel similarly), is, live your life the way you choose! However I have a right to speak about the attitudes and activities of black women ('race women')in the same way that you can comment on black women who refuse the mantle of living for the sole purpose of advancing the race.

Also for me comes the realization, that there are black women at this point that are at the crossroads and I am morally obliged to point out as many holes as I see in the whole 'suffer for the race' approach which is prevelant among black women.

All in all, you havent laid down any new revelations on what drives black women to be race women. I just needed to point that out because you did seem to me to be trying to school me, and show me the 'logic' for your frame of mind. I already understand the logic, but no matter how many times it is repeated, I do not find it a sensible and viable way of thinking and living in this day and age, and even you yourself have admitted that you are having a hard time of it.

See further response in blue...

Interesting post. I find it interesting that you assume so much about the mentality of black women who openly prefer black men over other races and are not very open to IR dating. I can't speak for all these women but I will speak for myself.

As a bw myself, I think I reserve the right to make comments about the mentality of black women, don’t you think?

I never have nor do I think I ever will date a white man, ever. This has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to remain loyal to black men or boost their egos and has everything to do with my personal beliefs and my goals.

You are not bringing a new revelation here. I have addressed the issue of black women seeing themselves as some sort of infrasture and equipment for advancing the race (I glean this from what you are saying further down). Yes many black women do see themselves as bulldozers, cranes, trucks and other assorted earth moving equipment for and on behalf of the race.

Now if this is what you want to be and have reached this position from giving the issue thought, then please feel free to be who and what you want. However I find I have a moral duty and obligation to other black women out there, who are just following the crowd into a position that could potentially leave them hurt and bitter. Many have not thought through their position to any great extent nor followed the path they are on to its logical conclussion in their minds, to grasp the fact that there might be consequences that they are NOT going to be ok with.

At least if black women are to martyr themselves for the race, let them do so knowing the full arguments and what is at stake. ‘Uninformed martyrdom’ is what many black women are headed towards at this point.

Similar black women online writers like myself have already addressed and continue to address the issue of black women being in the mind frame of ‘saving alla people’ and as a result feeling duty bound to restrict themselves in their dating options. So nothing new here.

I am very "racially conscious" and I make a point to discuss race-related issues whenever I get a chance to because I am aware that racism is still very rampid and across the globes blacks are not equal to whites.

The common description is that you are a ‘race woman’. I do not encourage black women to be ‘race woman’, who are constantly talking about and focussed on race. You can affirm your race without being obsessive. However if this is your choice then go for it.

I cannot imagine walking the path I have laid out for myself with a white man by my side. It simply would not work. I would be a walking representation of everything that has gone wrong in my community.

Your response is stepped in 'in-group symbolism' which you hold tight to and feel should have profound meaning to everyone. Its one of those statements/comments that black women put out there and think that they are so profound but really they say nothing if you look past the reverence they are supposed to generate in us. Indeed, their power lies only in the fact that the person spouting them expects the listener to bow their heads in deep reverence to the sacred symbols of the race contained. I mean really, what does it mean that you and a white man 'would be the walking representation of everything that has gone wrong with the race'? I know that black women are suppose to read these statements within an 'altered' state of religious fervor for our race and get the deeper menaings, but without being assisted by altered state, such statements really have no inherent sense and are not as self-explanatory as you think!

As for it not working with white men, well duh! Of course it is not going to work when you clearly dont want it to. It is not going to work in your particular case but it works fine with thousands of black women who are married to or in relationships with white men. So this is about you and the relationship not being able to work in your specific case not the inability of such relationships to work on the whole.

Many black women and a growing number, do not subscribe to the idea that they cannot be racially conscious being with a white man. If you choose to see it this way, so be it, but it isn’t a universal truth because you hold it to be true.

In addition to this I do not believe a white man could ever fully understand my struggle as a black woman. I do not think a black man could fully understand it either being that he is a man and I am woman but as a child of a black woman and having grown up in black skin he can gain a pretty decent understanding of my vision and my life. I do not want to have to educate my partner on things I think are so obvious.

Indeed black men do not understand what it means to be a woman, which begs the question, ‘do men really have to understand what it means to be a woman before they can be adequate lovers and partners to women?' There is a key discussion about what it really takes to be an adequate companion but to cut a long story short, no one needs to 'live in the body' of the other person in order to be adequate companions or else we would all have to be in relationships with the same sex.

For you, just racial understanding is key. To me this is just very narrow. You can imagine how many things a woman can be which have little to do with race, and even if they do at points intersect with the reality of race, it is not exactly that frequent.

A woman can be a botanist, who likes rock and reads John Grisham and Maya Angelou. She can come from a large family and be a mother of two. She might have a long term illness, attend the methodist church, be a size 10 and be a vegan and she is also black. Now in this just very simplified picture of all that a woman can be, I see a dozen areas for 'understanding' and awareness arising for any prospective partner, areas where race doesnt even come into it.

In addition, you seem to be saying that it is impossible for white people to develop race understanding.

Your comments also lie on the bed of the assumption that understanding another racially means automatic commitment to working with them. But what of those who pretty much understand the black woman’s life but it doesn’t make them anymore caring towards her or make them want to lighten her load (ask the average black woman if she recieves help from her black male counterpart) or worst, what of a situation where that understanding becomes a ready weapon in the hands of others.

Some things to think about....

And when it comes down to it I am not attracted to white men. Physically they are not appealing to me and do absolutely nothing for me.

I am not surprised you do not find them attractive after everything you feel. Ruminating on the negative of any group will block out any possible attraction (basic psychology which doesnt require any pavlovian experiment).

You are indeed no different from white men who have issues with dating black women from negative stereotypes and racist reasons, though I daresay you will rationalize your own sentiments by using some black moral justification.

That being said, I am not against IR relationships. I have family members who are biracial or involved in IR relationships and I have no problem with it and think love is a beautiful thing no matter the color of the two people but you must recognize that IR relationships are not for everyone.

I am not trying to convert you trust me.

Personally I am open to dating Latinos and Asian men but I still prefer black men.

I think most people simply prefer dating people they have things in common with and as a black woman I have a lot more in common with black men than men of any other race.

So I see that you have now undercut your own 'poetic' arguments above about not dating white men because of them, as you put it, 'not being born of black women' or being in black skin. You cant seem to remain consistent, and that is because your developed argument is just a manufactured cover.

You hate white men but are trying to manufacture some plausible theory as cover.

I think it is high time many black women stopped being dishonest with themselves and everyone else and just admit and own the fact that they have a burning anger and resentment of white men, and they want to keep this anger going. They want to continue to revel in their hatred of white men and this 'lovely and comforting' feeling of hate towards white men would have to be given up for relationships with them.

It is more freeing to be honest.

Yes black women hate white men more so than even black men, but this is kept quiet. This is why black women see an obvious solution to their current dating crisis and decide to turn right round and stay in their massive disadvantage. They do not want to give up their hate and eternal feud with white men, this is the block. Keeping this anger to them is more important than companionship, the loss of opportunity to have kids etc etc. The posture of disdain towards white males (characterised by an anti reconciliation attitude) is a core part of who they have become.

It took me a while to see this white male-hate as a key hindrance to black women forming relationships with white men. Before then, I used to think it was all about society restraining her and the inculcated fears she had etc. The hatred for white men is the fourth binding cord.

But if you want to dismiss white men, please feel free, but just be honest (at least to yourself) and there is no need to manufacture some long winding theory to justify your decided negative feeling towards them.

I was never made to feel guilty for being attracted to men of other races. I actually wish I was more attracted to men of other races because then it would probably be easier to find a guy I'm interested in.

Trust me no one is loosing sleep over the fact that you are committed to not being interested in white men so don’t worry too much about it.

All in all, whatever floats one's boat….



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Fending for themselves among Wolves

Sometime in 2006 I wrote an article about the 'wall of shame' created by some black girls in Brown University to shame their black male counterparts for their preference for non black women and possibly with the intention of getting these males to come back. This incident I believe happened in 1996 and garnered media attention. These young women ended up looking bad on so many levels as you can imagine.

In the article I talked about being shocked that these girls were willing to lay down their self respect in a bid for black men, an attempt which failed. I was also suprised that they recieved no counsel against doing something that would not only convey the idea that they had no inherent attractive features and so needed to compel the men by shaming, but also that their activities lent to the notion of white beauty as superior. Those were indeed the days when black women would abandon self-pride in their most often futile attempts to get black men (it still continues to today, but a lot more black women employ some sense and self-awareness). I talked about how full of pride and big headed white girls were likely to be after the incident.

I am looking at this issue again. You see, even in articles written back in the 80s, there are clear descriptions of this same phenomenum; the rejection of black girls by black boys in school for their non-black counterparts, even today it is a widespread and well known practice. So why is it that each new batch of black girls goes to school unaware and unsuspecting and thus has to have their confidence crushed? Why did these Brown young women seem ambushed by this phenominum such that they had this reaction, when we all know that it happens and has for years?

Why are our young women still being sent off to schools and colleges naïve in the idea that black men will be theirs and embracing the idea that they must continue to reserve themselves for black boys/men and this is somehow a viable idea?

How is it that big sisters, aunts and mothers have decided to leave their daughters unprepared for something they themselves know and experienced. I question if they do indeed have good intentions towards our young black girls or are they so eager to see them hurt and demoralized as they were. Indeed, is this some necessary rite of passage for our girls.

We have and continue to do our young black girls a terrible wrong. Yes this does speak to the fact that the tradition of care and 'big sistershood' towards the next generation of black women has been eroded, if it isnt non existent altogether.

These black women at Brown are forever enshrined as the ugly ducklings because no one prepared them for the reality which we all knew would confront them on campus.

Sometime ago I was having this discussion with a freind who has two young girls. I said to her that she would have to prepare her daughters for the dating reality of today. She responded in a way that showed she was resistant to the idea. To me she was somehow willing for her daughters to persist in the 'fantasy' that black men would come for them regardless of the damage this obsolete idea would have. In truth, she appeared not to want to process this painful idea and join the dots of what she knew deep down(the recurring theme of black female lack of courage and burying their heads in the sand around this particular issue). I told her to remember her experinces in school of being taunted for being dark and asked her why she wanted her girls to experince all that unprepared. I told her if I had anything to do with it, the young ladies would be well prepared.

This whole incident underscores for me the fact that black women’s naivity is a tool used by black people and in particular pro self-sacrificing black women to continue to keep alive the non sustainable 'black unity' idea. To them the pain and self-doubt that will result for black women is a small price to pay as long as the black unity dream can be kept alive for a little longer. Naivety is a tool used to lock black girls into a life of sacrifice which they get trapped and groomed into before they know what the deal is.

What many folks seem unable process is that black unity cannot be sustained beyond this generation by only black women.

Yes you would have thought that by now, this understanding of how black boys behave would have entered into and been incorporated into the general 'intelligence' passed to young girls to enable them negotiate school life and their youth effectively. Yet black women who have gone before them somehow see passing on this crucial bit of information unimportant. The question is, are older black women looking out for the younger ones? It doesnt appears so.

Perharps failure to recall their experinces and pass on knowledge is because they are blocking out their own painfull experinces and trying to minimizing it for their mental health, however our young girls are being damaged and for their sake we must confront this issue and shore up their self esteem before it gets shot to pieces.

Indeed I cannot believe that here we are in 2009 with the issue covered over and when we do talk about it, it is in fits and starts, as if it is something new and something not widespread. We mention it in passing and speak about it as if it is just an anomally with limited occurrence when it has been with us for decades. We mention it as a side issue as if it is irrelevant to the mental-well-being of black girls.

But the rejection of black girls at school is now an entrenched culture from all observation. Can you imagine your young sisters, nieces and daughter being in that atmosphere, going through that esteem destroying experince everyday, with no protection, no mental armour given them by those who know the deal. Can you imagine the damage to their esteem and sense of self as a women. You hear all sorts of disturbing stories about black girls sitting huddled in the corner at prom parties, while the white girls are dancing with every type of color.

Can you imagine the distorted image of black women generated in the mind of white girls, and the inflated sense of self and ego they will always carry towards black women.

Why are we then suprised when our young women begin to normalize the idea of being alone and the notion that they are just not the ones to get men, or that they should be grateful for any attention, setting the stage for later acceptance of singleness and defective selection patterns.

Many of you are quick to extend compassion and consideration when bad things happen to non-black young women, but see black girls as being able to take whatever, strong women that we are supposed to be. We do not realize that these are not women with the experince and developed skills to be resilient, but our young vulnerable girls. Why do we cast them as those who ‘can take anything’ as if strongness is magically inherited by black females. And then we get shocked when they crack under the load.

This active devaluing of black women among their peers means black women are increasingly finding it hard to relate to wider society and even other women on an equal footing and with a sense of pride and confidence. Rather they are forced to carry a sense of personal shame and fear and a sense of not meeting the mark. Indeed black women become destabilized in their relationship with the rest of the world.

We must fight back!

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Some 1st Week July thoughts

About 'black unity'

'Black Unity' is a failed concept.

This might sound harsh and intolerable for some, but this is a simple, practical and realistic assessment of the situation.

Black unity will remain a failed concept because the critical ingredients to bring it to pass have not been obtained and they remain out of reach. Women running around trying to keep the idea alive and singlehandedly so, will not bring it about. All the fervent and heartfelt desire to see it happen will not do it.

When black women accost me with the black unity question, I ask them to do two things. I first ask them to explain to me what 'black unity' looks like in their minds.

Usually they come up with a picture that is a cross between life in Botswanna (like in the No 1 Ladies detective agency series) and something out of the Civil Rights era in unity of purpose. I then ask them to list all the key ingredients that they feel will be necessary to make this vision of black unity become a reality (and here I ask for a specific list, not the usual and vague 'Black people should do this, and, Black people should do that').

When this process has been completed, I then ask them, how many of the things listed are 'to hand' at present? (and this includes a shared idea of this vision of black unity and a general committment to the idea of building it, if they have left this off the list). The facial responses of these women to the last question is very telling.

The other day, I had reason to ask a woman if she thought black mens's participation was instrumental to achieveing 'black unity.' She said yes. I asked again, if she felt that black men are indeed 'co-pilots' in the endeavour. Another nod(emphatic). I further asked, 'at what point should the co-pilots be onboard, at 'take off' or after we have crossed the atlantic?' Silence.

In order for black unity to be possible (however defined) there needs to be commensurate effort (and effort that is applied all at the same time) from the key participants.

What continues to happen is black women continue to get a 'promise' that black men will be active participants at some point in time. But even black women who try to avoid confronting the sad truth, know that they are essentially carrying black men on their backs, all the way towards 'back unity'.

At the most basic level of committment and interest that these men can be involved, which is caring for and resourcing their families, you cant even get them. This tells you everything you need to know.

About bashing black men

Apparently pointing out the activities of black men which negatively impact black women is the new definition of 'bashing'. Someone switched the definitions while we were not watching, and it appears that black men are to be exempt mention. They must never be brought up in any conversation whatsoever, even if they play the key role in the state of affairs.

Dictionary.com has a definition for bashing which is:

'To engage in harsh, accusatory, threatening criticism.'

Thats just to clarify what bashing is for some of us who run scared anytime we get accused of this when we are simply engaging in the 'mapping' of our situation as black women, including the role played by various parties.

Always check the defintion.

I am unpeturbed about accusations of 'bashing black men', that get thrown about willy nilly. It is simply an attempt to shut down the growing consciousness that black women are experiencing regarding their general situation.

These false accusations are aimed at limiting our analysis of the situation we face, so that we and other black women do not gain insight into the battle that is before us, and locate who and what is the enemy against us. If we cave in to these crafty accusations, the result will clearly be that the solution we seek will be elusive. That is what happens when you dont know what you are facing. You end up not knowing how to address it.

Yes for some of us black women, the accusation of wrong doing even from wrong doers, is enough to make us drop our resolve and committment to liberating black women from the hell many are in. It should not be so. Toughen up!

This is all to say, I dont care if folks think I am bashing black men. I am very sure they will get over it!


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