Does anyone have experince of living and working in OZ.
If you are a black woman; American, UK etc woman who has experienced, lived in or relocated to Australia I have a young black woman who would like to get in touch to get some information. She has been inspired by our BWE forums (which she has read since 16 years and she is now in her early 20's) to make the world her oyster. Please send me an email if you have any info (see my details at side bar or below)
New BWE discussion forum:
A black woman on our BWE network has created a network/meeting ground for forward-thinking BW and their admirers. The link is: http://blackwomenlivingwell.prophpbb.com/
My last post and the responses to Prof N and AHA
Let me say that I am taking some time to digest the responses that I got in relation to the image I used in my last posts. Some folks had all sorts of ideas and went into all sorts of tangents about the use of Prof N image because 'his romatic situation with AHA wasnt ideal'. There is so much to unpack about how that discussion in my previous post went down because I feel there is something deeper at play that makes many bw react the way they do. Jamila has also written a post on the topic, go to Double standard? to discuss and leave comments. It should be a good debate.
Post continues
I wrote this post at the beginning of the year but there seemed something that was 'missing' so I let it sit for a while.
My question to you is, what do BWE empower black women for anyway? I ask this because it is easy to bandy about the term empowernment or empowering black women. It has indeed got to a point where empowernment has lost its meaning. Many of us can see that many of those places that claim to 'empower' or be for empowernment of black women leave a strong sense of being anything but! They may say it but the the advice offered suggests they have a very strange definition of what it means to 'empower black women'.
In my humble opinion, BWE is about enabling black women access the best possible life they can here and now. Write that down.
Yes the best possible life is an individually defined thing, however we can analyse ‘happiness’ and contentment along the same general lines we can for others (so don’t let anyone convince you that black women are such different and exceptional species that they don’t want or require love, marriage, commitment, support, money etc the way others do, it is a trick!)
BWE are convinced that bw can have a good and fulfilled life in the now no matter what obstacles and hindrances there are out there in general society for bw. This is why BWE has a clear focus on getting the skills, getting the knowledge, getting equipped and strategically positioning and manoeuvring oneself to ‘attain.’ We even talk about getting ‘lean’ for the journey.
Other formats of activism work for bw put a great emphasis on black women confronting and wrestling with a great many oppressive and unjust forces, one after the other, for themselves and for everyone else in order to transform the society. Black women who follow this path are pummelled and drained and these activities hardly leave time and space for bw to focus on adapting in order to achieve something for themselves from the current set up, indeed the notion of bw adapting to achieve does not sit well within the general perspective of ‘fighting the powers.’ This is why many black women are in a state of constant confrontation and battling of the powers, with the attendant anger towards the world and an attitude of bitterness pervading their lives.
Indeed BWE preach balance and that bw should take time to live in the society even as they do their bit to oppose injustice whereas under other activist and empowerment traditions fighting injustice and reshaping the world is their main duty. Its about time black women lived a little!
Be like a Bird
If there is one illustration that captures what black women should be about I believe it is one of a bird on a nest. Now I would recommend that you find an image similar to the one below and put it up somewhere were you will see it frequently, on a fridge door for instance etc.
The reason why I advice this is because it will become a powerful symbol of what you are going to be all about from now on; building your nest. I believe we all need to be about building a nest. Black women build your nest with care and focus!
I don’t think that many of us realize this but we are all essentially building our nests; our futures if you like. If you build with purpose always in mind that whatever you are about now, whatever you are engaged in is going towards what your ‘nest’ will finally look like, you will become more effective and efficient and this knowledge will prevent you from wasting time on things that are not important and don’t build in to your nest goals.
Consider a bird building a nest
Another reason why I think the bird-nest analogy is important is that it will help bw zone in on what is important and the items and ingredients necessary for their future.
Consider a bird gathering twigs for its nest. It knows what size the nest should be and how strong etc and so armed with this vision it goes looking for the right twigs to give it its desired nest! When it chooses a twig it tests it against the ’required’ characteristics of the nest. It rejects those that don’t give it what it will need (e.g. weak twigs, twigs that are too small). It looks for the desired length and cross section as it flies from branch to branch in search of the right material. So much engineering, thought and plan -with an end result in mind-goes into the project of nest building.
See when you have a strong vision about what you will require for the future, it acts as a natural sieve, a natural filter against things that are just not going to contribute to your broad goals. You take A but leave B, you acquire D but leave C on the shelf. Many of you are wasting such precious time and getting distracted by this and the other. If you had a clear vision of type of ‘nest’ you want to build and even before that, recognize that you are and we all are building some form of nest whether we are aware or not, then you are more likely to streamline your activities and save precious time!
At what point do you want to occupy your nest (I am talking time frame here)?
If you know what you are building and what you want to build, you will collect the right material and filter out the wrong. Some of us are all up on every website, every blog, every church etc etc just acquiring all sorts of ideas, approaches etc that we are essentially confused about what to use, even what direction to take next. An effective approach to life (what path to follow), can simply be achieved through understanding what the end goal is.
Everything and anything can sound sensible and relevant unless your nest specifications winnow out what isn’t relevant for what you are aiming to build.
For a good example I believe in the fight against inequality and racism etc however I wont bog myself down with sister soldiering for the race. There are dozens reasons why I wont however of key mention is that I have to live and make the best of life now and in addition I am at a time of life when I require absolute focus on my personal goals and not be involved in dissipating my energies here and there. So while the talk of ‘fighting white hegemony’ and all that can resonate with me on a level I don’t sign up for battle duties or throw myself into such activities except when there is a specific and strategic opportunity for doing so. I don’t do it as a way of life it doesn’t pay.
What about nest adjustments to your vision?
Even if at some point you think there is a need to restructure or reshape some aspect of your nest (because we all don’t know it all from the beginning), at least your initial vision gives you a basic structure to depart from or to tinker with.
Think about your nest (the general life you want for yourself which includes social, financial etc conditions you want to be enjoying in your life), then work back from there and come into the future, understanding what you need to be about, what you need to be doing and acquiring to live that future life.
Work from a vision, work from a plan and have a time frame.
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Great analogy.
ReplyDeleteAnother reason why I think the bird-nest analogy is important is that it will help bw zone in on what is important and the items and ingredients necessary for their future.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me think of a book I read some time ago titled "Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage". In the book the authors discuss the difference between the outcomes when black and white, rich and poor teens become pregnant. Those who are richer and/or whites are more likely to abort, but the blacks and those of lower class are more likely to continue to the pregnancy. I am not advocating for abortion here.
But the point the authors were making in the book is that white teens and the upper class perceive themselves as having more to lose by an unplanned pregnancy. They have a vision for their future--getting married before having children, graduating from college, traveling--and they know that having a child out of wedlock will destroy those dreams. Whereas black women don't seem to think that a child under less than ideal circumstances will change anything about their life because they had no grand vision for how their lives would play out in the first place.
When you don't have a plan, plans seem to happen to you instead of you making the plan.
Thank you again for your support of the Black Women Living Well forums, Halima! I hope that with time there will be more positive, constructive network options for black women seeking to build a sturdy and comfortable nest for themselves. That's one crucial way we can build the foundation needed for ourselves to thrive, and not simply survive.
ReplyDeleteJamila: I agree with you that if you don't plan and take responsibility for your life (and your future children), someone else will.
I do appreciate the analogy and have saved my own picture to my hard drive.
ReplyDeleteAs for the double standard part (BM wife vs. WM whore), I completely missed that discussion when it happened in the comments, but it definitely struck me as a healthy (or rather unhealthy) bit of derailment. I mean, I went back and read the post, and that section aside from the picture hardly qualified as a paragraph.
I can understand genuine alarm at mixed signals and possible misrepresentation, but to build an entire, and needlessly tense argument around the decision to use that one example felt like a red herring if I'm going to be blunt.
I knew nothing of the man in that pic prior to these posts about the matter, and honestly? I could care less about him and his situation. He is just ONE man. He is neither the example of all WM nor is his current significant other representative of all BW.
I think some people spend a little too much time trying to relate one example or situation to ALL BW or WM and how it impacts us. Some things, DO represent us and are of concern, but sometimes, it's a straw man argument, and people should know better.
In any case, great post!
Ditto to what Halima says with my own spin. :)
ReplyDeleteI believe it cannot repeated too often or too many times: black women must put themselves first.
I think it is very easy to get distracted about external or group issues, like creating a black community Utopia or waiting for black men to come back to "rule the roost". This ends up with us wandering 40 years in a desert looking for outward solutions.
We are the solution. Taking care of your happiness is the first step, ladies. It always will be. It's not about other groups, other races, or other women's relationships - unless cited about what to do and not do - it's about your well being.
Black women need to learn to say, "No", to everybody without guilt. All of us must focus on what we NEED and WANT. We've made it a badge of honor to suffer, and it's not mentally or physically healthy.
So don't feel guilty, don't feel shame at being selfish and don't worry about what others think of your life. It is the best way to begin. Use that "it is all about me" mindset to begin a healthy, comforting way of planning and taking action towards a better life.
Halima! Wow! So much moralizing up in here. Whew! So many bw are weighed down and suffocated by the angelic moralizing of other bw.
ReplyDeleteI think that what is totally getting lost here in this discussion about this couple you've cited (and I know next to nothing about them aside from the small amount I've read) is the key PURPOSE of some of our discussions or BWE's message. As you so rightly pointed out in one of your responses, and I paraphrase: life is not a straight line for most of us.
From what I've read, those who have their drawers in a knot over this issue are very confused or are using it to try to tarnish BWE's message or are the victims of their own BINARY thinking, i.e. good or bad, right or wrong, OR all three, etc. For most of us, there is no perfect answer all of the time. We often must choose the best option we can--given that no woman has decades to choose a partner and have children. I'm sure that this woman would have preferred to have a perfect husband and a perfect life, however she chose the one she did. IF she is a baby-mama and I won't even touch the slam that she's a "ho," at least her children nor she is likely to ever become anyone else's social or financial burden--which is the MAIN or only reason why anyone cares about so many AA women being babymamas.
Let me point out to binary thinkers that most of life is lived in the gray zone--not in either black or white.
I would guess that most bw make the best choices that they feel they can make, given the info and options that they believe they have. Many of those choices are NOT good for them, their children, or the rest of us MOST of the time.
So I thought that the KEY PURPOSE of BWE is to encourage more bw to make better choices for themselves and their children and provide them info about many more of the choices including some of the nuances.
It seems to me that this couple has the wherewithal NOT to become a social or financial burden to most others in society and prevent their children from doing so. That's the KEY. It appears that he wants her and his child and will be there for her AND his children--emotionally and financially--which is a heck of a lot more than a typical AA babymama can say. That's KEY. So I wish them all the best.
Evia said... (and by the way WELCOME BACK !) It appears that he wants her and his child and will be there for her AND his children--emotionally and financially--which is a heck of a lot more than a typical AA babymama can say. That's KEY. So I wish them all the best.
ReplyDeleteDITTO.
As far as the black oriented message boards go, my suspicion is most of the haters real issue is the fact that they're in an IR relationship. After all, most young African-Americans these days - and certainly the "keeping it real" membership at most black oriented sites - are born out of wedlock themselves. And certainly not with the financial stability that Ayan's child to be will have.
So... I'm not referring to black women who are on board with the pro marriage first NWNW movement but specifically to the Bossip (and similar webistes) crew, this latter group's major and only problem with the couple is that fact they're a mixed couple.
Heck, these same folks give high fives to black women having OOW children by black males. The ONLY difference here is the man is white, educated, wealthy, and well known. Unlike the majority of black, uneducated, poor, unknown black baby daddy's most of whom ABANDON their children.
Ayan's child to be in spite of being born out of wedlock will be better off financially - and in all probability have a more involved father - than a hell of a lot of black children who are born within wedlock these days. Not to mention the scores of OOW black kids who are on welfare and in unsafe neighborhoods.
The haters are just hating because another high profile BW/WM couple fell in love and are creating a family.
They'd talk about Ayan like a dog even is she was married to her partner.
This is a racial issue pure and simple.
Hey Felicia!
ReplyDeleteWhen you say:
As far as the black oriented message boards go, my suspicion is most of the haters real issue is the fact that they're in an IR relationship.
ITA! They're so transparent. They're pure and simple JEALOUS HATERS. This is the key point here as you said and can easily be figured out: If she were with a wealthy, influential bm, they would have NOTHING to say.
After all, most young African-Americans these days - and certainly the "keeping it real" membership at most black oriented sites - are born out of wedlock themselves. And certainly not with the financial stability that Ayan's child to be will have.
Exactly! And because of this hard core pattern that way too many bw have with way too many broke-down, broke-azz BLACK males (NOT wm), this is why any bm who comes sniffing around an AA woman these days without talking and showing plenty of evidence that he has the right stuff (emotionally, financially, and otherwise) to make a long term commitment needs to be swept out with the trash ASAP. What part of this is rocket science in 2011?????
Ayan's child to be in spite of being born out of wedlock will be better off financially - and in all probability have a more involved father - than a hell of a lot of black children who are born within wedlock these days. Not to mention the scores of OOW black kids who are on welfare and in unsafe neighborhoods.
Heads up on that bold part!! A woman like Ayan knows that the likelihood of any event in life is a matter of PROBABILITY. A smart woman studies a situation with any man because she knows that sex has the potential to bring great doom to a woman's life and to her offspring. As a matter of fact, she knows that if sex is not properly managed, it is almost guaranteed to bring doom. She plays her cards SMART and invests her time, her energy, including the lion's share or all of her sexual energy in a way that has the highest probability of reaping the highest returns. I repeat: there are NO guarantees; only probabilities.
Another aspect of this situation is that there is the implied assumption among these jealous haters that Ayan had an assortment of wealthy, influential bm lined up as suitors and ditched them all to be with a wm. LOL!!!! Whereas the real deal is that there is an undeniable, consistent pattern (high probability) these days of wealthy, influential bm choosing non-black women. What part of that is rocket science? Or, do they expect a woman of Ayan's intellect to take up with a broke-down, broke-azz bm simply because they share a similar complexion???
I tell ya--I look forward to the day when enough AA women can find the balls to say loudly, clearly, anc EXPLICITLY to DBRbm (at all levels) and the LV (Low Value) AND NV (No value)bm, "NO, You won't do because you have not taken your behind out there to find, learn, get, and nail down the right stuff to offer me. Choose to do that or move onto some other type of woman because you won't be offering her anything that I would want anyway! Next!"