This is for black woman who have somewhere to go and want to get there quickly. Indeed, many black women want to get somewhere but they have all the time in the world! If you have however realized that there are deadlines in life and you don’t have time to waste, I have a few suggestions:
Keep away from all forms of unproductive debates and discussions
Black people as a rule want to have a bunch of unproductive, ‘going nowhere’ discussions. Even when they raise critical questions and debates and say 'come let us talk’, its almost as if they have decided from the outset that they are just going to keep discussions on a superficial level and are not going to do or say anything that will ‘change things’ to any extent or change the status quo. That’s all its going to be; a discussion.
Black folk discuss to appear to be engaged in productive social change like other groups that they see around who are going somewhere. If you engage in discussions that are going nowhere because you can see very well nothing can be enforced or black woman don’t have the leverage to force change on the situation (and it will again all boil down to black women once again carrying the full load and respeonsbility), then you are wasting time and energy best used to build your individual future (which you have a limited time to achieve anyway and especially in these desperate times!).
You are no longer part of rank and file black people
You are now in a different category to most of the other black people around you, in terms of priorities, preoccupations and direction in fact in your mentality and outlook. Many want to blame outside forces or play victims or refuse to make effort for their own elevation, you on the other hand are different. Embrace this reality and stop feeling guilty about separating from and charting a different course to other blacks.
Wave good bye to your friends and what have you and get serious with pursuing your destiny. There are all types of guilt trips used to keep bw back from running after their destiny; ‘you think you are different from us, you want to be white, you will always be seen as black’ etc etc and black women respond by getting back into the black formation.
Stop stewing in anger and bitterness
Bitterness slows you up in many ways including slows your creativity and it also closes doors because it is something that is so hard to hide. For some black women there is a latent demon that gets triggered and when it does, it seems those black women cant even control it! Its almost as if they are standing back and watching the demon kick scream and foam (like an epileptic fit that takes over). These women become vicious, insistent on enforcing their view on others, spearing people left right and centre!
Many black women have a stony heart that refuses to take advice and guidance but are belligerent, arrogant and insistent on their way. Hurt and bitterness can make people spurn that which would be to their benefit! You don’t need to take anyone’s advice but think about why you are rejecting it. If you know an advice has the ring of truth or you know that the advisor is just telling you the real deal, ask yourself why you feel resistant and upset at taking the advice. Again mature and emotionally evolved people know that they don’t have to like the advice or the advice giver to receive the instruction being communicated. Pride and arrogance should never come in the way of doing what is necessary and called for, with regards your situation!
Let me tell you all something you may of may not realize; to be nice is a deliberate act. You determine to be a nice, calm, amiable person and gracious to others and very often at that, there is a disconnect between how you feel and how you act. You know an evolved professional person by how they can separate what they are feeling inside from how they are acting. After a while of emotion control and not acting ugly because you feel that way or the demon has kicked in (ie you control it) then you will find it increasingly easier to be a nice, calm person. Remember, some black women don’t care if they appear in negative light, they are essentially saying ‘to hell’ to life, personal advancement etc, because they are bitter.
Count your blessings daily
I seriously suggest you have a little book of blessings where you note down the things you are happy and grateful for. Read it every other day if not every day. People who are grateful live much happier lives indeed it is the saddest thing that some people have so much but they cant see it and therefore don’t enjoy all the good they have! I know personally a woman who has an adoring husband and three wonderful children but you wouldn’t know it from the way she acts, and this woman is always upset with another woman who is a happy person even though this happy woman on the face of it has less than she does. Indeed it is a strange thing in life that if you are happy, people who might have more than you, think you have something hidden that beats what they have!
When you are a minority or in a minority position you need to generate effort, to take you out of a loosing dynamic or diminished situations
Stop saying it is unfair that you have to do something when others don’t, that’s foolishness. Sure it is unfair but so what, who are you going to sue about life’s unfairness? Folks on the political left will continue to harp on about how life should be fair and many seem to be communicating the notion of black people waiting somehow for a change in the whole structure. Intelligent folk on the other hand know they have to do what they have to do!
Wondering about Interracial dating?
I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
Excellent post Halima!
ReplyDeleteI do agree that black women should leave without guilt. I have personally experienced this, in which I had voices in my head telling me how "stuck up", having a " white is right" mindset it is because I made a concious decision to quietly excuse myself from the all black church and even all black social events. I know I'm not the first or last black woman to experience this.
I also understand about waving goodbye to your friends. I personally turned my back without saying goodbye to a good friend of mine because I was afraid she would try to stop me or discredit the things that I experienced with the " its all in your head", " there are bad people all over" meme. Like you said when we try to make moves we most be carefull who we take advice from because even the people whose friendship we value the most are indoctrinated into this "keep hope alive", " we are all a family" culture.
I still experience some guilt. Especially since my mother said she doesn't want me to become arrogant. But she wants me to accomplish my goals in life and I can't do so if I'm trapped amongst people who try to put me in my place or where they prefer to see me. A place which is usually at the bottom of the totem pole. The community are always trying to keep black women in a certain place even other black women. I am who I am and no ones going to change me to make me more vulnerable for use towards their personal agenda.
Though the rest of the world might not be perfect, it doesn't mean we should withstand being burdened, depressed and powerless even having our self-esteem crushed regularly just to be considered humble.
Excellent Post Halima. Very liberating. Thank you!! Not much to say you covered it. I left the "plantation" and I have never felt better!
ReplyDeleteI am always disappoints to see BW feel guilty for leaving the BC whereas BM do not. I think I once hear Dr. Laura say that good people will second guess themselves when they are told they may be wrong. Evil people will not do this because they want to do their evil and do not care. BM never feel guilty for abandoning the BC. They become defensive and self-righteous when faced with the slightest indication that they have a duty as MEN to uplift the BC. It disapoints me when BW allow themselves to be shamed or guilted for not hanging in there with the BC or the BM. Meanwhile, BM feel no shame nor guilt.
ReplyDeleteBW must leave family, friends or anyone or anything that is not producing. I have friends for over two decades that had to be cut off because I am not a mule, mammy or martyr. I have used my hard earned monies and I go to the spa every week. You can find some good deals online or in your local newspaper. I set a budget for my clothes and find sales as well. We have to show our daughters, nieces and any Black woman and girl how to treat ourselves in the best light. Also, when we treate ourselves the best , we will send this out to the universe that we deserve the best and nothing less.
ReplyDeleteDitto on the parts about being bitter and angry.
ReplyDeleteI think that sometimes black women allow themselves to be goaded into destructive outbursts by people who hate them, and while the anger may be justified at what the person said or did, it is never a good idea to allow yourself to become unhinged over what someone else does. Haters have all the time in the world to sit around and plot your downfall--they have nothing else better to do. It is better to stay constructive and positive instead of letting people who hate you laugh at your downfall.
Another reason that has kept black women from leaving, is the thought that the people who caused them grief would have won if they leave.
ReplyDeleteI have two girlfriends who felt this way and hence do not want to give others what they think would be some sort of "satisfaction" seeing them turn their backs and walk out.
The thing is some black women do not realize that you actually win when you leave. You are now in a better position to reach your destiny now that you no longer carry any emotional baggage. Your attitude changes, because you are no longer in a toxic environment where you have to be on the defensive all the time, you can think better and work harder towards your goals. I could imagine just how much my attitude changed once I left. I'm not a smiller, at least thats what I thought. But now I can actually put a smile on my face.
In the end you win overall.
@Jamilia
I agree that black women need to control their anger. This is very difficult to do, but a necessary attribute. There is a saying that those who anger you can control you. Even if you feel angry. Putting it on public display is never a good thing. I have had people try to get me to "react" towards them by trying to provoke me by saying nasty things within hearing distance. My friends even asked me why I didn't react to this attitude by confronting them. But I knew that the best way to stay focused and driven is to not get side-tracked by other people.
Some of us are going to have to learn to punch a pillow or recite an encouraging quote so that we don't loose our decorum and snap. Society ( blaks and non-blacks) are heavily invested in the " angry black woman" stereotype. For those of us trying to get into the global village, it would be necessary to mater this art. I've read a comment on a previous post that one young lady was asked by WW what she felt about BM dating WW. They were shocked when she didn't fly into a frenzy. I heard a black male co-host on a radio show ask a black women how she felt and I quote " when you see a fine well-educated brother wi th a WW". Just his choice in words showed he was trying to make the thought hurt her.
They have begun to feed off of our anger like vampires. When we control ourselves people can't pull strings on us like puppets.
Some of us are going to have to learn to punch a pillow or recite an encouraging quote so that we don't loose our decorum and snap. Society ( blaks and non-blacks) are heavily invested in the " angry black woman" stereotype.
ReplyDeleteTrue! In general, Bw must stop being so predictable and so easily manipulated. Never be predictable unless you're being predictable on purpose, to gain something. As long as bw are predictable, they will be outmaneuvered by others who have bad intentions. If more black women would just not engage (don't respond to) the DBRs, NVs and LVs, they would eventually learn to leave bw alone. DBRs want attention! They've gotten it so much and so easily from bw until it's a source of entertainment and an instant ego boost for them--just something to do since they can also score points at bw's expense. Who else do they have who they can pick at without paying a penalty?
Besides, everyone knows by now how much bw love to blab. Trust me. It's no fun for them to pick at bw if there's no response. Remember that telling a DBR off is FUN to them because that's attention. Avoid them.
Re bw's predictability, I scanned that WSJ article this afternoon where one bw in the article blabbed that she didn't date wm because she didn't want to have to explain to a wm why she tied her hair up at night, AS IF some ww don't tie up their heads at night. A wm who likes a bw is NOT going to run away simply because she wraps her hair up at night! My local drugstore and supermarket each have a section that has several kinds of hair covers/wraps for ww to cover up their hairstyle while they sleep, but no one would consider that odd at all and wouldn't even mention it. There are plenty of women of various ethnicities who wrap their heads at night, but bw are made out to be oddballs and issue-ridden for doing so. Why? Mainly because bw themselves CONSTANTLY blab and gnash their teeth publicly about their hair "issues." So now, that's become a totally a made-up issue that all bw supposedly have and bw cooperate with that.
So, I would bet that the Stanford guy (author) at the outset wanted to get a stupid quote from a bw about bw's hair, so he easily got her to say it--since so many bw LOVE to vex publicly about their hair. So predictable!
Youre soooo right about bw leaving whats left of the bc!!...(this is short) What the HELL happened in LONDON?! It seems like a rerun of Rodney King in LA...like, was it a black man who got killed 'Duggan' who started this mess...bw, WE NEED TO LEAVE! No one is looking out for us in this situation like they do the ww in US..they have Whole Showcases on them..looking for them
ReplyDelete@ Evia
ReplyDeleteThat article in WSJ was cleverly written and I'l tell you why. The author at first seems like he is promoting interracial marriage for black women and trust me a few other black women I know were eating it up because they couldn't believe that a black man thought black women should be opening up their options.
However the article looks like it was designed to drive white men away from black women by showing quotes that black women were not interested in dating interracially because of hangups with hair, history, and the thought that they would get mistaken for the nannies of their biracial children.
White men are not going to want to approach black women when they think we have all these issues. He could have included quotes of black women who have dated outside the race and enjoyed it and those that are still single and open to interracial relationships.
As I said many black women were "impressed" that a black man was stating the obvious, but he was still digging graves for black women in nice ways that you had to read between the lines to catch.
Even worse was the quote that black women could actually increase the likely hood of black marriages occurring if they date interracially ( last time I checked "black marriages" are marriage between BM and BW) . This sounds to me like he saying if BW date/ marry out, BM would get jealous and want BW......I don't know....I could be wrong. What WM would want to be used to make BM jealous ?
As you said before, when they can't stop BW form wanting WM they will try to prevent WM from becoming attracted to BW. I just hop WM and men of other races see right through their attempted inception.
"Another reason that has kept black women from leaving, is the thought that the people who caused them grief would have won if they leave.
ReplyDeleteI have two girlfriends who felt this way and hence do not want to give others what they think would be some sort of "satisfaction" seeing them turn their backs and walk out.
The thing is some black women do not realize that you actually win when you leave. You are now in a better position to reach your destiny now that you no longer carry any emotional baggage. Your attitude changes, because you are no longer in a toxic environment where you have to be on the defensive all the time, you can think better and work harder towards your goals. I could imagine just how much my attitude changed once I left. I'm not a smiller, at least thats what I thought. But now I can actually put a smile on my face."
Great comment, Out of Darkness! This was totally me up until a few months ago, when I finally decided to pack up and flee the black community that turned against me for outing my rapist. (I used to lurk on the BWE blogs and sometimes post as "Evelyn", in case my story sounds familiar). But I never realized how much clearer the future would seem, and how much more focused I could be if I just said "damn them" and LEFT! Now I've started a blog on sexual assault using my initials (hence the change from "Evelyn" to "E.A."), and I'm ready to attack life's opportunities with a quickness. I just wanted to second your advice - if the black community is draining you, don't worry about what anyone will be saying if you leave, just go and don't look back. You only win when you end up living life to the fullest!
Another great post Halima!
ReplyDeleteI often think about this need to let go of all of this rage when I see BW in public venting and hollering and rolling their heads around like they're possessed (of course, so many women have adopted these traits, my husband now thinks of them as some typical young female trait, and often asks about the little suburban white girls at our Shoprite "have you noticed these little girls wagging their fingers and bopping their heads back and forth like they're tough lately? What's that about?" I can barely explain to him that they get from music videos or "Maury.")
I've realized how my natural personality, that really could have been a big hinderence to me, has actually been an enormous asset in my life. I'm naturally a little introverted, shy, and very soft-spoken. NOBODY, including (sadly) most black people, ever expects that from a BW. You have no idea how many times I've been complimented on "what a nice voice you have," or "you sound so sweet!" by people. I have a pleasant enough voice, but I realized a long time ago that just as people are disproportionately prejudiced against black people who fit the stereotypes, when some part of you defies it, they are disproportinately impressed. They can't help it--it's unconscious, which is why it is just as true of black people as white people. As Out of Darkness said, a lot of sisters are going to have to learn to punch a pillow, and just let it go.
And above all, get out of these miserable environments which would make Gandhi want to shoot up the local high school. OF COURSE you're angry if you're living in one of these hellholes, putting up with the nonsense BW have to put up with every day in these hot mess "communities." That anger is natural. But you can't choose to stay stuck in it.
In regarding the WSJ article: I saw in a magazine years ago about how one wm thought his bw wife was SEXY when she wrapped her head for bed. I told my bw friend that it is the novelty of it. Maybe he comes from a family of brothers and never saw a woman with her hair tied up~~$;)
ReplyDeleteHi. I enjoy reading your blog and have been a lurker for awhile. I am a black American woman whose been single all of my life. I got tired of being alone and joined an interracial dating site 2 years ago. I met the most wonderful,sweet, considerate white, Jewish man on this site. He lives in Florida and I live in Ohio. Both of us have never been married. We have been chatting by phone and email for the last year and a half. We plan to meet in person before the end of this year, God willing. I would even be willing to move to Florida if our relationship works out well. I decided to take control of my life and make things happen. I also joined a local health club to get in better shape. I have lost some weight and feel much better. I am also working on my home based art and craft business, and trying to get ready for the upcoming Christmas season. I believe that regardless of your age or background, you can make a better life for yourself if you take matters into your own hands.Never wait on someone else to make your life better.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to comment on the article about single Black women on the Wall St Journal. At first, I thought, wow, this is nice, but then when I found out it was written by a black male, I began to get skeptical. The part that really angered me is when he said that Black women were the least desired by all the males on the online dating sites. I really get sick and tired of these clowns always making Black women to be" the least desired" of all the women. I personally do not see anything special about white women. Black women are just as beautiful as any other race of women.
ReplyDeleteI was having a conversation with my sister, I asked her would you join my journey. She did not understand, basically I told her life is a evolutional process and that I am happy and well. I am doing well in college and I do not let chaotic people into my life,and I see that she is leaving behind toxic friends and she now has a healthy outlook on life. Meditation and yoga helps removed negative impulses and give the person balance.
ReplyDeletePart 1
ReplyDelete@ Out of Darkness re:
That article in WSJ was cleverly written and I'l tell you why. The author at first seems like he is promoting interracial marriage for black women and trust me a few other black women I know were eating it up because they couldn't believe that a black man thought black women should be opening up their options.
However the article looks like it was designed to drive white men away from black women by showing quotes that black women were not interested in dating interracially
VERY astute of you!! I scanned the article and it bothered me in general and for the SAME reasons, but you've identified exactly why. This is the kind of analysis that will be needed in the next decades to prevent SOPHISTICATED maneuvers or "sneak bombs" from bm to stop bw from escaping. The smarter bm realize now that they've got to upgrade their tactics.
About 6 months ago, a bm contacted me with a cleverly-disguised "sneak bomb" and tried to get me to explode it on my site. LOL! I had to remind him I wasn't born last night. What bothered me the most was that he was so sure I'd be fooled.
There's another book that's coming down the pike from a black man: "Is Marriage for White People?" that the Sept. 2011 ESSENCE is highlighting. I don't know anything about this book, but someone sent me the heads up on it. Lots of bw are going to eat it up, thinking it's a form of "permission" (which they don't need) for them to date out. So bw will make that bm rich.
I hope someone or more than one from our camp gets the book, reads it, and does an in-depth analysis and spreads the word before tons of bw start running around screaming "AMEN!" LOL!
Part 2
ReplyDelete@sharon kay re:
I also wanted to comment on the article about single Black women on the Wall St Journal. At first, I thought, wow, this is nice, but then when I found out it was written by a black male, I began to get skeptical. The part that really angered me is when he said that Black women were the least desired by all the males on the online dating sites. I really get sick and tired of these clowns always making Black women to be" the least desired" of all the women. I personally do not see anything special about white women. Black women are just as beautiful as any other race of women.
Yeah, they keep REPEATING that. That's the poison drip. They NEVER point out that bw do NOT need ALL males to desire them; they only need a proportionate number to be interested, from which they can choose THE ONE. It's like going for job interviews. Just because you've heard that there's racism out there is no reason to stop going on job interviews. You can only get and work ONE job at a time.
So they're just trying to mess with your brain and make you feel and act like you're undesirable. It's psychological warfare. Don't let bm succeed with this! Just stay on the online sites. The way I looked at it was that any man who didn't want me was the one who was losing because I KNOW that I bring a lot to a man's table.
Don't allow anything that any bm says to make you pause. It's called "psychological warfare" and they've resorted to "sneak bombs." The stakes are VERY high for bm. If most of the "choice" bw (the most educated, most capable, highest earners,more attractive in mind, body, and spirit etc.) opt not to be with a bm, then bm have NOTHING.
Bw are the ONLY commodity that bm EVER had any control over, so the more cunning "brothas" are now becoming MORE SOPHISTICATED at keeping bw paralyzed. And the tactics will be become even MORE sneaky. We need for there to be bw to become experts at analyzing tactic.
Meanwhile, this is why bw need to just keep on moving on and let it be known that NOTHING is going to stop the stampede away from the hellhole social environment of the bc and its minions!
I'm going to do a post about these "sneak bombs" soon and I URGE other bw to write about them too. Let's neutralize these bombs before they get dropped on bw!!
Thanks Halima,This was a great post.I needed to apply some of this to myself.Sometimes it's like you move 100 paces forward only to be taken 150 paces back.I'd like to caution some of the other women here.Please be careful with the people you have close to you,family and friends.If these family and friends are dealing with DBR'S then you can experience the effects of their presence also,even if the dbr is not within arms reach or in your home,simply because these family and friends are being negatively affected by dbr's.Sometimes you really have to let go and possibly end all contact with people you really love just to maintain a good spirit and continue to grow.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all many blessings and much progress,
Truth P.
Thanks for posting this. I needed a positive message right now. Anger and arrogance have been a serious problem for me lately.
ReplyDeleteI think this is one of the most important information for me. And i am glad reading your article. But should remark on few general things, The website style is perfect, the articles is really nice
ReplyDeleteHalima, thank you for posting this.
ReplyDeleteReading this entry brought tears to my eyes. I am not crying for myself I am crying for those black women who do not see what it is staring them in the face. In light of the recent events in London and the rest of the UK, your message needs to be heard loud and clear. I believe that Khadija and Evia mentioned this on their blogs and it needs to be repeated. Black women must move to areas where there is police protection and also community protection especially by men (see the enfield army and the southhall sikhs). I chose the wrong day to stay at my friend's house in east london. Her area was hit by the rioters and the emergency services took forever to come to our rescue. The general feeling about this is that the emergency services were too scared. The men of Southall and Enfield decided to take matters into their own hands and protect their towns. There was no male protection for women in Peckham, Lewisham, Hackney, Tottenham, Croydon, Ealing and Clapham. The men who did not participate in the rioting were too scared to stand up for their local communities. It was a very shocking time but made me realise that I made the right decision to move the heck out of those areas. It is worth noting that these areas have a massive black population and the black communities appear to be influenced by AA communities and treat their women the same way. There is a video on Youtube of an old west indian lady standing up to the rioters in Hackney. She is standing infront of a fire all alone without any male protection.
Black women this is a reality but it does not have to be your reality. It is better to be stuck up and safe than to be worn out, injured or dead fighting for a lost cause.
I couldn't believe what i saw in essence mag the other day: a black man named Mr. Banks told black women to FIND WHITE MEN FOR MARRIAGE (hooray) he actually knows that most bm are dbr and want to help us out..have you heard anything on him yet?
ReplyDeleteGreat article. I'm Jamaican by birth, however I have lived here since I was 11 years old. I've only dated West Indian men and I got to the point where I was tired of being used, abused, and under-appreciated.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I went to a male friend and told him this and he immediately accused be of being a "Tiger Woods". Another male friend of mine said, "Good idea, A guy from another race will love because he will appreciate who you are and what you have to offer as a person".
For the Black woman, no matter how loyal, genuine, and caring we are Black men abuse us and treat us like garbage. They easily and readily dispose of us because they know they can go down the street and find another educated, beautiful Black woman who is willing to settle for the subpar treatment they bring to the table.
I will never date another Black man, let alone another man from the Caribbean. It's not because I am bitter, but I would NEVER want to raise my daughter in that community or around people who think like that. It is only in our community that smart, pretty, loving girls are left standing alone around waiting for a man to prove her worth. Other races celebrate the best and brightest among them, our race tears us down.
Thank you soooooooooooooooo much for your blog. The time is now to make the change that will benefit us as well as our children.
Sophie B, your experience and insight on West Indian men is really interesting.
ReplyDeleteIn a graduate-level sociology class, I remember my professor assigning Black Identities: West Indian Immigrant Dreams and American Realities by Mary Waters. He wanted to dispel the "myth" that West Indians were some sort of model minority.
I was rather puzzled because I wasn't familiar with that, but then the West Coast doesn't get that kind of immigration the way the East Coast does, so I chalked it up to being Californian.
Reading your post, however, made me wonder: What are West Indians really like?
Jenny: "Reading your post, however, made me wonder: What are West Indians really like?"
ReplyDeleteJamaican men are definitely NOT a model minority. Jamaican culture is very violently misogynistic. It is true that many Jamaicans in the US are more ambitious than African Americans, but that is because immigrants in general are very determined people, and West Indians like to hide all the pathologies of their culture, including the DBR black men.
Jamaican men are actually worse than African American men because they did not have the benefit of growing up in modern American society, which has been positively influenced by the women's movement.
Many Jamaican men have a hard time dealing with American women or Americanized Jamaican women because they are used to treating women as less than garbage in Jamaica. They are very physically abusive to women because violence against women (and children) is so accepted in Jamaica.
In addition, with a Jamaican man, you stand a very good chance of being sexually violated, because sexual violence against women is not seen as a social problem in Jamaica.
When I lived in Jamaica as a very young girl, I had female relatives and neighborhoods who were savagely beaten, sometimes with fists, sometimes with objects like bats, knives or machetes, and the men were never punished for it. I saw so much violence against women and children in Jamaica that even now I have to try very hard to not recall the memories, because I don't need the pain.
In Jamaica, like here in black America, the woman is usually a single parent who has to suffer providing for her children on her own. But unlike here in America, there is no free public education through high school, or assistance from the government, such as housing subsidies, food stamps, so poor women and children suffer on a scale that is not imaginable to even the poorest African Americans who live in this country.
After having one child out of wedlock, a woman who is not middle class or higher is often considered ruined and can never expect to find a decent man who will love and respect her. She usually gets stuck in a cycle of abusive relationships if she does not want to remain alone.
The men have no shame about having children with multiple women, even the few who do get married.
I am Jamaican (came to the US at age 7) and I dated one Jamaican man as an adult (he came to the US at the age of 23). He tried to force himself onto me sexually on our very first date. He told me that in Jamaica, when a man goes out with a woman, he owns her and can do anything that he wants to her.
I reminded him that he was now in America where women have rights. He was so angry and complained about how much he hated this country and how he wanted a "real" Jamaican woman, not a pseudo Jamaican woman like me.
If I had to choose (with a gun to my head) between an African American and a Jamaican man, I would choose the African American. But fortunately, I don't have to choose either. I will never date a black man of any ethnicity ever again. I just have no physical, spiritual, emotional or intellectual connection to black men.
Of course there are certainly a few decent man from Jamaica or who were raised by Jamaican parents. But it is not worth it to go looking for a decent Jamaican man in a haystack.
It sucks badly that I have to agree with that last Anonymous poster about Jamaican men...but sweet Lord I have to! LOL
ReplyDeleteThey are just that bad and my whole family is Jamaican, both of my parents in other words.
Preach, last Anonymous!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous:
ReplyDeleteBut unlike here in America, there is no free public education through high school, or assistance from the government, such as housing subsidies, food stamps, so poor women and children suffer on a scale that is not imaginable to even the poorest African Americans who live in this country.
ak:
This is what was shown in a film from Jamaica from the 90s called 'Dancehall Queen' where horribly and unforgivably the main character who was a single mother who had her first child at 15 and had no problems with her own boyfriend having sex with her eldest daughter who was 15 just so that he would keep funding her, and pay for her daughter's school fees. Only the woman's boyfriend rapes the daughter in this, so that was inconsential, and of course dead wrong even if she did consent.
Yes, I know that was just a film....but where'd they get such a vivid idea from in the first place? I always wondered about that. Holy. Hell.
ak: "it sucks badly that I have to agree with that last Anonymous poster about Jamaican men...but sweet Lord I have to! LOL"
ReplyDeleteak,
It is important to be truthful. I fear for the BW who think that a foreign black man will be a good alternative to African American men. They are afraid to go outside our race, and they feel more comfortable with the idea of being with a foreign black man.
I always give BW my honest opinion about Jamaican men. I am not one of those black male-identified BW who are happy to see another BW go over a cliff.
Not only have I burned my black card (like Evia) but I have also burned my Jamaican card. Both cards are 100% worthless to me.
So many African American women think that their situation is unique and that Jamaican or other foreign BW don't understand their pain. I would commit suicide before going back to Jamaica to live. Fortunately, I am a US citizen (not dual citizenship) so no one can send me back to Jamaica.
By the way, that movie is a reflection of real life for most poor women in Jamaica or Jamaican women here in the US. My mother allowed my eldest brother (who is fifteen years older than I) to sexually abuse my sisters and me because as she put it "he brings money into the house".
She was a single mother of 8 children with a third grade education. She worked 2 minimum wage jobs but still needed financial help. My brother provided that help, but the price was the bodies and souls of my sisters and me.
To the last Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about the devastation of your childhood and your sisters' childhood. I don't think any words I use can express what I would want to say about that I'm afraid.
But I hope that you have taken advantage of therapy and I hope that you can suggest this to your sisters if they live in the US also.
ak,
ReplyDeleteI have taken advantage of therapy and I have healed tremendously and moved on with my life. I have been able to forgive my mother and also my brother. I no longer have a relationship with my brother, but I am not angry at him anymore.
Interestingly, my brother is the one who stopped talking to me. I believe that he knew what he did was wrong and he is ashamed of himself now.
My sisters have not fared as well. They refused to get any therapy and ended up using drugs and alcohol to deal with their pain. Now they refuse to get help for their alcohol and drug addiction, which is destroying their health.
They are in and out of abusive relationships with Jamaican and African American BM.
I have not been able to convince them that therapy is not just for white people. They fully embrace the myth of the strong BW and claim that they are okay, that Jesus will save them.
I love my sisters, but I now accept that I can't save them. Someday I hope that they will come around before they reach a point of no return health-wise.
I agree with everything you guys are saying. My father had 3 children outside of his marriage to my mother. His father did the same to my grandmother and so on and so forth.
ReplyDeleteWe are very fortunate to be here in the US, where we have freedom to choose the lives we want and I would tell any woman, Black or White, to stay away from Jamaican men. I have male Jamaican friends and they are all cheaters, abusers, and extremely possessive of their wives and girlfriends.
It's sad, but in our culture nobody speaks up for women. Not to mention that as you guys have mentioned, "therapy is for White people".
Sophie B, isn't all just ridiculous in this day and age and with Jamaica being so close geographically to the US and with so many immigrants that have gone to the US?
ReplyDeleteAnd Jamaica has churches on almost every block on their streets, so they say. What are they getting in there? The 'pickney' all over the place with women everywhere is one of the things I hate the most.
Also help is on the way for EVERY person, if they just at least try therapy. It's usually only for ONE HOUR per week, not even three times a week! I think it sounds very self-hating and as if a person has an inferiority complex if they say or think that 'therapy is for whites only'. Are you saying only they are worthy of the help to improve their own lives? Are you saying only they deserve to live healthy, safe, fulfiling and completed lives?
Then what the heck are you really saying? And then, some blacks start mentioning church and God. Well, church is on Sundays and therapy is usually only between Mondays to Fridays, so how is that going to interrupt going to church.
And people also need to start to think. If you did start going to therapy and your therapist has been great so far and you feel at ease with them and you can talk to them and feel comfortable and feel that they are really listening to you, do you really think that they'd easily jeopardize they're license to practice and their professional name and career by insulting your belief in God?
I'm not saying it could never be possible, but the therapist/psychologist is the one with the most to lose, not you. They can be sued for that I'm sure, and you can contact the board that gives them liceses so that they're never allowed to practice again, just as medical doctors can be sued for malpractice and stopped from practicing ever again.
So if you do start going to therapy, and things are going swimmingly, and you wonder if the therapist is an atheist, then don't worry. A real professional should know better than to insult their patients' beliefs, who line their pockets, and I'm sure they can understand that they may have many patients over the years from all walks of life.
And don't let their supposed or perceived atheism stop you from going to any therapist, especially a really good one as going to them may really change your life for the better!
ak,
ReplyDeletethe yahoo link confirms what you have said. Jamaica has the world record for the most churches per square mile.
Yet the place is a living hell for women and children. All the more reason for BW to flee black houses of worship.
If black churches were any good, then Jamaica would be the most prosperous, woman and child-friendly country in the world.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071021205847AAYyS6i
True, last Anonymous
ReplyDelete