Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

To my readers from the US and Canada, thanksgiving isnt celebrated over here in the UK but wishing you a good one!

My Latest e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.
First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon






Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon






Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Find your own Personal Style!

I attended a funeral service last week, with a high antecedence of black folk and just a spattering of whites and others. First of all, let me repeat the point I made in the past, about how black folks love black to the detriment of stylish presentation. As you can imagine, the black crowd appeared to be in their element with this all out licence to wear black!

I noticed a few folk who chose other sombre colors. I have mentioned that I myself am trying to move away from black but as old legacies die hard (that sturdy coat you bought in black or those pretty charcoal suede heels you adore), I still have black stuff I can freely access and so I was – without even especially planning it- in mostly black.

Anyway apart from a few black women who made the effort to look well turned out even in all black, I am afraid the long skirts and those Germanesque practical shoes and denier 100 black stockings, were in full display, of course teamed with all sorts of curious pentecostal hats and not to forget shapeless coats!
 
To be fair many of the women in these I-am-not-even-trying-to-look-good apparels where middle aged, but there is truly an issue in terms of how black women in Britain dress and their whole sense of style. I am not just pointing outward, I include myself in this critique. And yes there are a range of real reasons why black women might be experiencing lack of choice when it comes to style and dressing. Our particular comon shaping (bigger bust and hip area), can mean that we quite quickly develop a love affair with stretchy fabric so we are not wrestling with buttons and zips or a loose waisted skirt with a tight hip area. I personally know how frustrating it is to go into shops (even those that dress larger women), and try on dress after dress and still not find any to fit. I know that many of us with our body shapes are confined to shapeless clothes in dull colors by clothes companies who dont know what to do with our proportions or refuse to spend extra to tailor for larger women. I know the heartbreak of ordering clothes online only to have to return every single one of them for sizing issues.


Solution

These are some ideas of styling/dressing for black women

  • Don’t be too focussed on fashion trends, instead make it a life long journey to hunt for pieces that fit and compliment and attest to your unique style, then keep these staples around as long as possible. Be a collector so to say, of fine clothes – don't wear out good fitting clothes, and think of buying multiples of an item of clothing that works, even in other colors.If a pencil skirt of a particular style and make works for you for instance, why not go back and get a couple more. Think of buying two or three, even in different colors.
  • Every black woman should visit a stylist every couple of years and this is critical once you hit your thirties. There is even the option to go shopping with your stylists. Get your color wheel sorted out as well, so you know what colors and color tone work for your skin type even in terms of makeup.
  • Focus on building an individual style. Leave the crowd behind. Grow your own hair for instance (there are many methods available now to achieve this goal -watch this space), and put aside the weaves and wigs as a staple of your look. Look after your skin as it is the foundation of your look!
  • Every black woman needs a skin lightner (I kid you not and this isnt an invitation to self-hate so calm down!) Having melanin means on average, a greater tendency to have black spots and discolored patches. A little outbreak of pimples and you are left with black marks for the next couple of weeks! In effect if you have outbreaks once every month which could be termed mild, because of the black spots that result you are however never free from the signs of acne from month to month (acne then marks, then acne and marks and so on). I am noticing even more, black women with uneven tone, some have serious melasma where it looks like they have rubbed their faces in soot (and as dark black skin ages this soot-on-face look can become even more apparent). A good skin lightner/brightner or peel, to address discoloration and even skin tone can be of great service to black skin. The aim in this case is not to make you lighter but maintain what you have! 
  • Know what works and don’t forget it in this whole crazy rush to change clothes and update wardrobes every season! If you get a styling right, why not take a picture of your ensemble -preferably with you in the picture-and build a scrap book. This is so handy when you have to find an outfit for a party or an interview etc quickly. Why spend hours shopping for something, when you can flick through your scrap book and decide in minutes the best look for you and also discover that you already have pieces that work in your wardrobe! Scrap books also help you develop and discover a sense of your own style.
  • Support wear is a must. A good deal of my clothes budget goes on support wear. A smooth line and uplifted bust and butt, does wonders even under tent like clothes. That’s how effective shape wear is. For many of us, shape wear needs to be built into our everyday dressing, so you must have several girdles etc. I would suggest, go for a fitting. There are companies and tailors that can make individually fitting corsets and shape wear. I would pay the money to have this done. It is an investment that is well worth it (some of us end up with off the shelf shape wear that rides up or down etc as the day wears on and a tailor-made corset etc can be a good guard against this happening).
  • Loose weight and exercise for firmness. This goes without saying and enables you to have access to the best clothing on offer as opposed to being an after-thought of clothing companies. There is something about sizing of clothes that means that the bigger you get the more likely you are to experience acutely, a mismatch of sizes on your upper and lower parts. Rolls of fat accumulating in specific areas can also force you into sizes that end up being too big in fit in particular areas, because body disproportionality increases with size.
  • Spend good money where you need to, do not skimp (shape wear, bras, girdles, shoes, coats).
  • Try other colors than black (try navy, silver, grey, black green, forest, camel etc). See if you can go three days of the week without an item of black (even your bag!).
  • Remember people make a large part of assumptions about us by how we dress, use this to your advantage and take pride in creating an intriguing style and look. Speaking to the world through your sense of style and creating this style can be such fun. I am a creative person and nothing gives me more creative pleasure tha designing a look! 

My Latest e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.



First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon






Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
 Amazon





Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Getting the Job: Some Vital tips

I have been doing some work around employment and interview skills and I thought I’d share a few things. As we know, its getting tough beyond scary out there. Increasingly people are being asked to submit to tests upon tests, even for jobs which previously an interview panel decision was all that was required. A friend of mine recently went for a role (entry level), which required 2 aptitude tests, 2 written tests, a role play, and after this first stage an interview panel lasting over 5 hours in total (and it was for a job that didn’t even promise a contract at the end!)


I dont think these two will ever need to look for a day job!



It's an employers market at this point and employs are taking as many liberties as they can for instance merging jobs that have historically stood separately (an example is administration and finance), and requiring applicants to be able to carry out both roles under one job description (which has a big impact on those who work as purely administrators).

Any a few tips for the job seekers among us:

Never go before a panel without a blank piece of paper and pen to write so that you can jot down each question and do justice to it and also obey a hierarchy in detailing your points if such is necessary for the question. Many of us walk into an interview and attempt to answer questions as we generate answers off the top of our heads. The result is likely to be that you do not do justice to the question as you may forget key points if relying on memory alone or forget the question itself midway and start waffling-which doesn't look too good. Looking at a questions gives you that added dimension of analysis and ability to collect your thoughts and organize your thinking. Remember the interviewer might not encourage you to say more but later they will check their notes and say, “Candidate A didn’t talk about this and this in her answer.”

Also If you are a person who jots and writes frequently etc this helps you to stimulate the brain in a way that gets you thinking clearly and creatively. Most panellist will admire your attempt to organise your response and do it justice and you will appear efficient. Humans at this stage tend to reserve very little in short term memory as opposed to our ancestors (our world is crowded with data), therefore writing can help as a repository that can free up brain circuitries for thinking and composing thought during an interview.

Eat a slow release food before an interview

I have sometimes gone to interviews lasting an hour. At the end your brain can shut down from lack of energy. I force myself to eat 2 bananas before hand, because I will draw on the energy to keep my brain sparking and turning during the interview time. I am usually drained after the interview to tell you that amping myself up to the place of high performance really takes it out of one!

You can improve verbal and numerical skills

Don’t appear for a test without putting a few hours into studying aptitude tests (use books and even online). Aim to do 2-3 hours practice, it makes all the difference! Many people think you either know or don’t know or are good or not good with numerical and verbal reasoning etc. This is so wrong. Your scores improve the more you study.

Finish your point, don’t be distracted by, positive noises and nodding from the panel

Many of us rely on the feedback from the interview panel to know when we have said enough on a point. This is not a good strategy. Instead complete what you hope to say under any question. Don’t get into a false sense of security and truncate your answer because of positive feedback. When they check their notes to score candidates, they will say (as I noted before), “She didn’t mention much on question so and so.” So don’t think a positive noise means 'I have that question wrapped up!'

Pray to have an all male or a male dominated panel if you are a woman

There is a reason why women are numerically more than men and yet are even to this day and age 'social minorities' and an oppressed group. Women and their attitude to other women and the things they do to undermine and undercut other women is a key factor in women's undoing and the net effect is that women continue to, as a group, be kept beneath.

If men set forth the dictates of female oppression, it is women who reinforce it, who keep it going -even when the men are open to change- and who are the self-appointed agents that inflict the wounds of the discriminatory system on other women. That’s why I am beginning to lean more towards the idea that we need to broaden our notions of female oppression beyond, 'Its the patriarchy'. Women inflict more social damage on other women and we know they often partake if not spearhead all sorts of bodily integrity violations on their daughters, nieces and other females in their vicinity, including in the area of Female Genital Mutilation, child abuse, domestic and sexual enslavement.

See how it works: if a woman opposes other women at the entry level then fewer women get through. Fewer then go on to middle management. Ultimately it's a number issue because senior management – which is normally selected from middle management- can only then pick from among a work team that is now overwhelmingly male.

It is the woman panellist that will point to the flaws that the males have overlooked in the female applicant. Under the guise of being thorough and 'selecting the best candidate for the job', they will nitpick at the female candidate and magnify their shortcomings. In the end they may be able to convince the males that there is a huge big issue with the female candidate or they will refuse to be won over by the strong arguments in favour of the candidate by other panellists even if they are in the minority, forcing the other panellist to let go to safeguard their working relationship. Very few candidates are seen to be worth rancour in the group.

Have you noticed that we can freely talk about how men salivate over big boobed applicants or how they want to employ the young nubile applicants over the matronly woman with far better qualifications. Yet we cannot talk openly about how women undercut fellow women and raise objections to their employment and even promotion because they are threatened by the woman's looks or put in other words the woman’s sexual capital compared to themselves.

So women have a neat cover, because for one no one dares talk about it (its just too icky a topic) and two no one wants to accuse women (the fair and fragrant sex) of ever being capable of instincts so low and shameful (yet we know it happens and have either experienced it or heard of a woman who has.) Add race to the situation and you can just imagine what black women experience!

The trouble is, that by not confronting the issue and airing it in HR circles and recruitment training, few women have the chance to self-reflect which is often what it takes to abjure such behavior and rethink the whole attitude if you recognise it in yourself.

You know how when you make up, you are told to 'highlight' you best features and all that, well my suggestion is to go more for bland with interview make-up and nuetral (as opposed to knock 'em dead) with personal presentation, and don’t throw too much attention on features that might make women feel threatened. I do sometimes worry about what element of my dress or clothing might set women off when I attend interviews, however often it is self-confidence and the fact that it might be lacking in the female interviewer that seems to be the issue.

If you don’t have an all female panel, not to worry, I just thought I'd add that little bit of information!

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.



First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon






Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Friday, November 02, 2012

Look for places where you have Favor

I watched recently how a young male intern was fussed over by the male manager of the team. I think this manager was preparing him for a paid job with the organisation. I know another woman in the department who said that no matter what amazing solutions she comes up with, she is overlooked and if it is really a brilliant idea that they just have to use, there is a grimace on their faces that the idea had to come from her. I know how dispiriting such a situation can be.

Always look to be where you are in favour; where the favour of the bosses, directors and mangers is with you, or at least there isn’t an obvious disfavour operating against you. If you enter a situation where you know there is a general dislike of you and what you have to offer, and you know you have done your best to be a team player, to be an asset and yet there is this coldness towards you, start thinking of your exit (yes even in this economy!).

This is one of the reasons why some of you need to have your own businesses and concerns. Some of us are not meant to work too long for others. Brilliance can make some people feel threatened.

I was re-reading one of Steven Covey's (RIP Sir), books and came across the bit where he talked about adding value to your job and how it makes you stand out, get the promotion etc etc. Have you ever noticed that in some of these companies cited in such self help books, they are always just desperate for the right workers, but they just cant seem to get good ones lol, which is cue to telling us the readers, that we need to sharpen up and we will achieve the dream job. Well, the truth is that more often than not, you get work teams where a very good worker is actually more of a threat than an asset and can be pushed out! This is more the case with government work and work than is not exposed to strong forces of competition or that is not 'rationalized' by the profit making objective. I have seen brilliant workers pushed out because the work teams were not really looking to elevate their practice no matter what they profess and recite, and what snazzy fashionable jargon they are spouting about, 'best practice', 'value for money' etc. The talented worker would have likely shaken things up and thus proved a threat to their relaxed way of working.

It takes a really evolved boss to handle talented people without feeling threatened as a manager. It takes a person who is sure of themselves, where they fit in and their own unique value, and how many of those do you think there are around? Not as many of we would like.

I remember working for a woman who I believe was certifiably mad. When I took the job I remember thinking (when it got all crazy with files flying across the room, door banging, workers insulted), that 'the need for her to meet her contractual 'targets', would eventually, somehow put a limit to her undermining the workers. My calculations and assumptions were however wrong because her job -and the project as a whole- was not operating within the context of any expected results in other words, she was never called to the carpet if the project didn’t reach the targets it signed up to, and why was this you ask? Well this was during the time of the Labour government in the UK, when they were literally throwing money at 'black' organisations and would not dare question their work outcomes (least they be called racist) no matter how ramshackle. In fact if these organisations underperformed, more funding was deemed in order! I actually watched her write a report making such a case. The net effect was that she was able to run an insane asylum of an organisation without anyone having the ability to put a stop to her activities.

However back to my initial point - which is also in line with the whole ethos of going where you are valued and cherished that I have had occasion to talk about in the past months on this blog (scroll down to see)- always look to be where you and what you do is in favor. It wont be everywhere but there will be places and people for whom you will be 'hot' stuff!

There are some battles/places you cant win but you can be favoured in others, seek these favourable spaces out.


My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.



First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon






Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon