Black men are way cool, black women?... not so much

Happy Easter Celebrations!

I was at a local catholic church yesterday for the Good Friday service (yes I do sometimes visit!) and saw the most amazing Blasian young couple.

They looked in their mid twenties and the cool part was they were with both their fathers. The boys father and girls father were sitting opposite their kids and also when they left the church, both men were in deep conversation.It was a nice cheery sight to see with several stereotypes dispensed all in one go! Black women are finding ways and means to live the lives they want!

I notice that the Catholic church where I live is very very multicultural, so much so, it puts every other church denomination to shame. There are so many SE Asians, Malaysians, Middle Easterners, blacks and white ethnics (including Polish) as a result of the history of Catholicism in these areas of the world. Black women who are interested in Blasian matches or even ready to expand beyond standard white, might do well to investigate a few Roman Catholic churches in their areas (wink).

Be careful in Choosing a Matchmaking Service

I got a note from a reader about how some matchmaking services will string you along for your money and not meet their own part of the bargain. It is important thus to vet a service indeed, go on the strong recommendations of others. Ask other black women about their experiences with the agency.

Hi Lynn (waves), please do give us an update on your matchmaking service experience. A few black women have contacted me to ask about getting in touch with them.

I have had a few stories about Match Making services that will take your money, introduce you to a few black and maybe one white man and then say they are waiting for white men to show interest (all the while they have tied you into a contract!). Clearly this is not how matchmaking services work, because a service will and must actively seek interest on behalf of their clients by casting a wide net (having many on their books) or strongly suggesting their clients as a possibility to the men on their books whether these men are aware of the option or not, or indeed come come out with, in this case  an interest in IR themselves. Indeed why pay money to matchmaker service if they are going to do exactly what you have done all along and that is to leave it all to chance!

It's very sad that some folk out there think they can treat black women shoddily but as black women we know the deal. We must never be naïve, we must never feel that folk will be happy for us just to walk in and seize our destiny. We must understand that they might step aside for a black man, an Asian woman, white etc because they adhere to racial hierarchies or because a certain group of women (read: Asian), have put their foot down and insisted on being taken seriously in these matters, but they will throw up a fuss when it's black women's turn.

I think with the Easter week upon us etc it is just apt for me to say to black women, you must be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves (Matthew 10:16). Indeed Jesus really called it. Everything we have been preaching about black women becoming savy and entering their destinies can actually be summed up in that neat little saying of Jesus! That is the crux of a whole lot of BWE injunctions.

Black Men are way cool, black women?... not so much

So to continue with the above theme I will say that a couple of colleagues of mine are doing all sorts of NGO projects in Africa. It never ceases to amaze me how focussed these women are on supporting and assisting the black boys in the communities they work in. I don’t discount the fact that there might be internal community resistance to women being helped and educated as a result of ingrained sexism in these cultures nevertheless, I am struck by how every time there is a project we have to contribute to or there is need to pay school fees etc etc it is for the boys. I don’t believe that the excuse of societal sexism would be a good enough excuse for such gender imbalanced work, if the context was Western society. I believe the situation would have spurred on the women to seek to work to empower the women folk even the more!

I am not saying there are no NGOs working with women or exclusively with women (as we know they are), but I think that when people move into these projects spurred by personal impetus (and outside the structure of international NGO work, which tends to be based on years of investigating the particular area and consideration of aligning with progressive principles such as empowering women and girls) they are more likely to simply fall in with the natural sexist lay of the land as opposed to challenge it.

This is one more example that supports my impression that white society etc heeds the values and priorities that black folk put forward as being important to them. For instance when black people show in abundant ways that black male lives are more valuable than black female lives, white folks don’t challenge this notion according to progressive ideals or their own dearly held beliefs of equality and women's rights etc, instead they go as far as to adjust their own lens on the situation to take into consideration what black folks say they want. These days white folks are arguing 'Well its their culture or it's their religion that makes the men aggressively dominate their women, or tear off their clitorises, we have to respect it!' SMH

Building empathy for yourself in the workplace

I think the wider society has a hard time finding their empathy for black women for a range of reasons. One reason is that the narratives crafted around the lives of black people (especially by black people) suggest that black women do not deserve or should not get it, whereas black men need it in abundance. These narratives leave black women in a place where they can be strangely non human to others and seen as beings who don’t have blood flowing through their veins like everyone else!

Many white folk don’t know black women as simple human beings especially as mere humans just as they are. There are lots of obstacles to perceiving black women as mere humans in the society we live in, to seeing us just as others are seen, to note that black women have the same desires and ambitions and desires for happiness as everyone else. I find the fact that white folk are more likely to jump to the defence of black men, even black men who have done wrong and provide endless excuses in a way they never do for black women, very telling and it can be explained in part by the failure to form empathic feelings for black women, their lives and their situation.

So the dominating narratives deny black women a chance at appearing as a deserving subject for emphatic feelings, but if people don’t identify with you they are more likely to hurt, hinder or fail to help you. For the purposes of surviving in the workplace or achieving a career goal, black women can help others into forming an empathic picture of them. People have to identify with you as an everyday being, doing the same everyday things they do. If people believe you live alien to their own wants, desires, past times, concerns, values etc, if they think you go home, and go to sleep in a coffin for instance! (lol), it will not help your career climb.

You are an everyday person, going about doing everyday things, just like them, so you can share a bit of what you do during your free time when there are mini conversations in the office ('I Went to watch soccer last week, my team XYZ was playing ABC and it was ….). Have conversations about topical subjects in the news, especially stuff that concerns folk (be careful about taking clear political positions on things, people often say if in doubt stay on the left politically-I guess it is a sad reality of our times!). Talk about how you have everyday needs, 'They don't sell the full sized bottles of milk at my local store so I have to go down town once a week etc etc etc').

I agree that others should do the work to build bridges with black women, to understand them and build empathy (and many fail to do so), but for the sake of having the career you want, I will advise that you take it into your hands to portray yourself as a person, a woman trying to make it in the system and society just like they are.

Next blog post available from 13th April

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Many thoughts in my head about why black women are struggling romantically

First I want to say a couple of thing:

Who you are is attractive to someone. Note this down. Some women think that their brand of beauty or because of their weight or height or skin shade, they are just not attractive to anyone and must settle for scraps of attention. I grant that some women do not fall into the norms of beauty but this means nothing. If all the men around you are lemmings, who only fancy women who they are told to fancy by the media and what have you, then it is important that you expose your self to loads and loads and loads of men to increase your chances of meeting that 1 in 25 that will fully and totally appreciate you and what you have to offer. I am convinced that one of the major reasons why black women struggle to find partners is that they do not play the numbers game. Being holed up at home, not putting yourself out there everyday and every weekend and moving in sheltered circles constituents one of the most potent impediment to black women securing themselves relationships.

In addition I want to reiterate the point I made in the past that black women have to do their very very best to present themselves with finesse and polish. Look smart, dress sharp. Don’t let your look fall apart. Have a sense of style and comfort in your body and in your look (I am also against the severe cooperate look which many black women go for which just kills their personality!). Over the years I have noted how that black men are comforted by black women looking ...a mess when compared to others in any group. It seems that this is a sign that the black woman is 'in her place,' and is 'not going anywhere' so to say. She is locked down in her social position, is not a threat or a contender. When they look unpolished and dress without care (I am not even talking about expensive clothes) and cant grow their own hair, black women seem to give of the sign (which pleases others immensely), that we are un-integratable, immobile, will be where we are wanted (which is clearing up after others or making their path smooth for them). Even if you are overweight you can still dress to flatter your proportions while you work at weight loss.

In truth, so many people are comforted by black women looking dishevelled, worse for wear, dowdy, matronly, with ill fitting clothes or shapeless dresses, horrible hair and weaves with garish colors or worse a black woolly hat of some sort to stuff away unkempt hairdos. Indeed we all know it when we see it, black women who put on those types of woolly hats (usually black) clearly to skirt round combing and dressing their hair on a 'busy' day.

Don’t think this is one just poking fun at others, I have been there and done that. At one point I think I must have been the worst dressed at a local church I used to attend, because I just had too much on (you need to make time to be polished!) and of course I was one of those who felt relationship with God was above earthly things and this was the line I was fed steadily by pastors and the likes who talked about how men wanted holy prayer warriors even as said men were trampling said holy warriors in their brazen bid to get to the unholy good looking counterparts that they were said to never ever want (I guess this is why I am quick to recognize and condemn the double talk that comes out of the Black community and church). I know how comforted others felt, that I was 'out of contention'. I also know how 'sisters' felt it was ok to block any attention coming my way deeming themselves better recipients of the male's attention (yes Christians, yes in the church, you better recognize that Christians can and do constituent some of the folk most lacking in self awareness as such cause hurt and havoc).

Don't comfort people by your inability to make an effort. I 'd rather face obstacles because someone deems me a worthy adversary/rival/competitor than someone feel comforted by the fact that I look and present myself as someone they can say, 'Oh her, don’t worry she is no threat!'

Why black women are having a hard time meeting their marriage ambitions in and out of race

A few of you wrote to me about my last blog post. Some wanted to take me up on that idea of a matchmaker as I encouraged and I think this is a good idea. It set me really thinking and questioning why black women are indeed having a rough time connecting with men. I know it's rough out there for all races and marriage trends are down all over however as I have said, casual observation leads me to feel that even polished and proper black women who you would expect to not have issues are having major issues especially when considered against their less polished counterparts of other races. We have a weight of stereotypes working against us but not always in the straight forward negative way we think. Sometimes the sentiment is not we are not fit for marriage, its more like we are beyond needing marriage, men, a helper, a knight in shinning armour (if some people realized that black women too desire a shinning armoured knight they would faint dead away!). I think it is this later sentiment of 'Don’t be silly, black women don’t bother with all that silly stuff of love and marriage its all beneath them(we are super human and evolved past those silly needs of other women in fact we should be looked up to for this by women who are serious about their feminism because the black woman has kicked men out from any importance in our lives!). So how do we fix back this idea back that black women are like all other women in their desire for love and companionship?

Do you know one other clear reason why black women are suffering at the marriage stakes. The reason is this, each black woman is fighting this fight on her own. Black women do not have a network of friends, buddies, parents, aunties and uncles who have an eye out for her in this regard (rather if anything she is being fed BS and obsolete nonsense by her female relations either deliberately to sabotage her or because they are as dumb as nails). Black women are in it all alone, they don’t receive any kind of compounding effect of other women looking out for them in this regard. Indeed how many of you married or engaged black women have bothered to link up the many single men that form part of your network (especially now from your husbands circle) with the many single black women you know particularly in the BWE circles, women who you have known and vetted for years?

I was watching a documentary a year or two ago where it was revealed that Princess Diana actually hooked Fergie and Andrew (Prince Charles' younger brother) up. She planned and executed the whole thing and when Fergie finally confronted her about it (Andrew was always in the parties and get-togethers where she was invited), Diana openly admitted it without hesitation saying that she wanted a friend around the place. Yes the naïve sweet little 20 something year old Diana still finding her own feet in the royal family was busy matchmaking for her friend and with the specific goal of building a supportive network for herself in years to come (we also know that Camilla endorsed Diana as her replacement before Charles went after her!).

The only time a woman can chat up a man without any stigma is when she is chatting up a man to match him with a friend. As married or engaged women, you can have that discussion with a man without a sense of shame or fear. 'Are you with anyone?' You can say, “I know someone who would be just right for you, she has the dame taste in movies as you” or “I am gonna introduce you to a friend of mine and I believe you two will hit it off” etc etc. Folks, a recommendation is everything, especially in this wimpy modern world where people have too much choice and no backbone! Even in the workplace these days with their elaborate mechanisms for selecting the best person for the job... well just let a friend, colleague or worker recommend someone they know even if he or she is a serial killer and all those sophisticated systems are bypassed.

The two people might be as different as anything, but because you have said they are suited the psychology will work on them and they will start from a place and point of faith and openness that they may well become a couple. People have started relationships on the basis of faith in a friends recommendation. I know of a particular instance where the friends chose a woman randomly and were trying to play a practical joke but the action of that recommendation was so psychologically strong and by the time they revealed all, the couple had bonded because they had opened up to each other based on the recommendation. The couple ended up getting married!

People have built a whole relationship on the faith in their friend or colleague's say so.

So black women are battling ideas that make relationships beneath them as well as those that cast doubt on their fitness for marriage and there isn’t even a helping hand up from those who have cracked the code. Even in BWE circles there isn’t even this pulling together to assist (I must commend those who held cocktail parties or meet ups in the past around this objective God bless). These ones don’t think it is necessary to help and maybe create a friend and ally for life. None surveys their surroundings with the aim of identifying a match for their single friends and for some of you it wont even take you out of your way for more than 5 mins, you can do it while painting your nails! Folks are in such far flung places as Japan and China where the exotic value of black women is sky high and can deliver results and where the brand of black woman hasn’t been severely damaged by familiar stereotypes, yet they cant think of a way of exploiting this situation for their single girl friends. Some of you only need to use social media or introduce people through that medium.

As Lenny Kravitz says 'Mr Cab Driver only thinks about himself, Mr Cab driver I might need some help!

Next blog post available from 30 th March

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon