What is the Unique Selling Point of Black Women?

 

Animals in love!

What is the Unique selling point of black women? Why would men seek out a black women among all others? If you are on any online dating websites, you might notice some patterns, you might be forgiven if you thought that some of these men are seeking out black women because they into 'strong' women, or that some men like black women because we are curvier or they have a thing for plump women and we are noted for carrying a fair bit of weight. You might not be wrong in these impressions, a number of us might even be upset that we are being sought out by men because of generally unflattering reasons and these men’s niche (as opposed to mainstream) tastes. This has indeed been a sticking point for many black women, that attraction to them especially coming from white men is wrapped up in sordid and fringe tastes and the kind that self-respecting women should be ashamed to trigger in their admirers.

Black women would rather prefer to be sought out for more 'mainstreams' reasons and the fact that we match up to mainstream ideals of beauty, femininity and behavior. There seems something very seedy about being sought out because you are fat as opposed to being sought out because you are slim and only loser men are thought to want to be with dominant women. The sight of the weedy looking guy being dominated by an overbearing and often obese woman on Maury or Jerry Spinger makes us cringe!

 

 

I was having a discussion about younger men and older women with a friend a few weeks ago and she came out with the oft repeated axiom that 'some people go into relationships for the wrong reasons' and added that these relationships are prone to failure. This type of talk about wrong or right reasons for relationships tends to be accepted wisdom. This time however and because we were talking about younger men who look for nurturing older women, I guess the context made me pause on that statement and think about it more deeply.

 

 

We need to question some of the notions we carry about because they actually might be preventing us from finding that unique relationship that fits our unique set of circumstances and identities. Using the example we were discussing, if a younger man lacked maternal nurturing while growing up and as a result seeks out a more nurturing type woman in his subsequent adult relationships, it might feel all icky to us but the truth is, this nurturing deficiency is a permanent part of his identity and will forever be what makes him him, thus seeking out more maternal women (for instance an older woman), will be constant for him and not a passing fancy or 'the wrong reason' in his relationships. In other words a reason is not a 'wrong' reason (which lead to relationship breakup) if it is in this case, an integral part of his identity though it might sound all wrong to us that a man is seeking out a 'mothering' woman for a relationship. There is a woman out there who will match his requirements and who will find fulfillment in what he has to offer too. It might sound strange to us but its all part of the weird and wonderful tapestry of life. Some of us have been raised within parameters and settings that make us individuals that diverge from mainstream lifestyle, needs, preoccupations etc.

 

There is no carved in stone 'right' reason for being with someone. And a lot more of us need to become mature about this. A man can seek a woman for a variety of reasons and vice versa (trading beauty for financial security and etc etc), and as long as the terms are known and acceptable to the other party, that should be all there is to say about it. The fact that arranged marriages can work tells us that it is both party's commitment to the formula that is the deciding factor in whether a relationship works out or not.

 

 

So many factors working against black women in the area of relationship but...

We could sit here and count the reasons why black women are having a hard time compared to other women, when it comes to securing relationships, we could point to racism and unfavorable stereotypes, we could point to an overarching beauty ideal which excludes us, we could talk about weight, flaky men etc etc. One thing however defeats all the obstacles and that thing is...consistent and frequent exposure to the dating market. If black women put themselves out there to met men on a frequent and consistent basis they will come into contact with a broader range of men increasing the probability of finding a man who is right for them. Sitting up in your room complaining is actually more of a hindrance to your relationship ambitions than any of the 'issues' that are put forward as the cause of the lack of marriage among black women!  

 

 

Would you vote for a woman who could fall under the spell of her husband

 

Vicky Pryce has come out of jail. For those who don’t know who she is, she is the woman who committed a criminal offence and claimed in her defense that she was coerced by her husband a then cabinet minister in the current British coalition government.

The jury didn’t buy the idea that Vicky Pryce an eminent economist at the height of her career was such a woman that could come under the coercion of anyone even a husband, and she was sent to jail for 8 months.

 

 

Of course several feminists rallied to her cause and decided to look at the whole issue as one in which she was being punished for being female because a certain female vulnerability in the marriage arrangement means that women can and do fall victim to their husband's dominance. I guess we see this happen everyday but here's the thing, who would vote for women to be in places of authority if they are prone to this kind of mental capture by men. Indeed the case for seeing women as capable and responsible is severely undercut by the notion that we have to make allowances for women because they can be coerced in ways we don’t allow for men. 

 

 

So therein lies another dilemma of modern feminism. Their argument of the capable modern woman who has the mental strength to be CEO and even commander in chief is severely undercut by the defense put up that women can come under the spell of their husbands or partners and can be made to commit all sorts of atrocities. So in a way I am happy that the argument of marital coercion brought forward by the defense team of Ms Vicky Pryce didn't succeed.

 

Next blog post available from 9th June

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

 

 

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon

 

 




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

 

 

Some 'wisdom gems' on BWE

I think it's a good idea, to revisit some of the very important conversations we have had as BWE from time to time.

Diana Ross and Richard Gere on the dance floor

Over the next weeks I will be offering a few gems I found while reviewing some old BWE cuttings I had from yesteryears. I think they will serve to refresh our minds about some very important discussions we have had over the years which have driven forward our understanding about black women and their situation.

Anyway before the BWE gems let me highlight an important career building advice for black women in particular

How to Behave at work

Black women know and can attest to the fact that when they put on their 'A game', they are more likely than not to suddenly attract saboteurs intent on pushing black women back from what their A game is about to achieve for them. If black women are well presented, in shape have well groomed and health hair and bodies, they have other women (who realize that they are about to reap a harvest for their efforts) suddenly creating problems for them, instigating a campaign of negativity towards them, trying their best to remind others not to warm to them, and working frantically to reinstate the debilitating stereotypes that black women often are operating under.

I know and you too know all this but I am going to say in strong terms again that you must not let these things derail you. You must be your nice pleasant and kind self no matter what others do to show you up. Indeed even if they tempt you to an inch of your self control never give them an opportunity to say, 'I told you she was fake' or 'she is aggressive.' You must play this game to win, don't let them win because you have a goal in mind and you know what they are about, these people who feel that black women do not deserve any good thing.

 

let it be that even if they succeed in pushing you out (yes it happens in life), that it will be so glaring that they were the bitches, that they orchestrated a vicious campaign against an innocent person. Let it be that everyone watching and looking on will see clearly who the righteous party is. Let their cards be marked by onlookers. They may think they have done you in, but what they don’t know is that they have created a lasting negative impression of themselves as horrid people ganging up on defenseless others. It will not bode well for them.

 

Some Wisdom points

Black women and the rescue project

When it comes to how the black community continues to tie black women to the futile endeavour of 'rescuing their people', note that one very successful way they do this is by couching issues as if it is something black women still very much have the power to change or fix by their efforts indeed by their singular efforts. Black women are made to see the situation as something they can 'turn around'. No one reminds black women that building and rescuing the race is actually supposed to be a 'partnership project' without which it is doomed to failure.

Black women trying to hold dialogue in the BC space

Black women are attempting to dialogue about their situation within the insane space which is the black community. How do they expect to make sense and their issues taken seriously? Black women must create and indeed inhabit a different social and political space to black men if they hope to survive and thrive in society.

Beneficial behaviour not about how black or white it is

As black women we need to adopt beneficial behaviour which is not measured by how pro-black or white it is but on the gain it will achieve for the person who puts it into practice. Many black women are simply instruction receivers, accept to be told what to do, where to go having been 'captured' for the black community from an early age. If a suggestion isn’t within the perimeters of the black community many black women refuse to have anything to do with it, and hence they remain in lack and want because they do not seek out other pastures. Black women must as a matter of urgency reintegrate with broader society to get their wants and needs met.

Black women as a piece of equipment

There is no tender concern and compassion reserved for black women instead black women are simply seen as an appliance to be employed in the service of the real agenda which is all in the interest and comfort of others. Black women are asked to present themselves for use, and to be used up by the black community and then discarded. Black women who put up a resistance to this game plan are pilloried as disloyal, selfish and sell outs.


Next blog post available from 25th May

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

 

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon

 




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon