Round Up for the Year 2009!

Happy New Year!

As we say Goodbye to 2009 and welcome a new year and a new decade starting  midnight tonight, here is a summary of some of the many discussions we have had on Black Women's Interracial Relationship Circle in 2009. I have highlighted some of the learning I tried to communicate through the posts. Fell free to recap and hopefully project yourself into a better year ahead!

What will you make a reality for yourself this new year and this new Decade?


Blog Post Summary

Know who labors against you
Any army that doesn’t know who its enemy is, is about to get wiped out. It is high time black women recognise who their enemies are, by examining from where the 'offensive' against them is coming. By their fruits (not their color), you shall know them.

The position of black me re black community is not hard to decipher despite pretense that we need expert to advice us
Consider this: If black nationhood was a priority for black men, do you think 70% of black children would be born outside wedlock with the attendant poverty, and lack of safety these children are more likely to experience? I can assure you that men who know the central position black children have in the future of their race do everything in their power to be with their kid. By their fruits (not propaganda), you shall know them.


Now there is a thing called 'entry level requirement' for any endevour; for instance in order to study Engineering you must at least know basic math, that is the entry level requirement for studying Engineering.

Now how possible is it to have a strong black community without strong black families. The basic or entry level requirement for black men who are really linked into the black nation building agenda would be a keen interest in marrying and setting up home with black women. Yet black men are not even coming in at that 'entry level'!

Self-Hate? Does it look like black men hate themselves?
What we rush to label 'self hate' in black men is actually ‘black female hate‘. And when black women 'mis-define' issues (as they are often encouraged to do), they end up with the wrong solutions. I have said this before and say it again, that unless black women accurately identify and pin down what ails them and their issues they will never be able to marshal an effective defence against the attacks that are raining down from every angle.

Why all interracial choices are not the same
IR bloggers, do not lump the choice to date interracially all in one box. We regard black male interracial dating as distinctly different in character from black female interracial dating, and recognise that black male interracial dating has historically born the hallmarks of being founded upon a rejection of and discrimination against black women.

The nature of black discourse: skirting the culpability of black men
In debates and discussions about what is ailing the black race, I have noticed what is clearly a strong aversion to pinpointing black males as to blame for any situation.

Bw will be talking about what happened to this or that black teen girl or bw, but when it comes time to mention WHO did the deed, they will switch to the passive voice or become non-specific. For ex., they'll say "these girls go out there and get themselves pregnant and just ruin their futures." LOL! This is as if these girls went to the store and got some semen and stuck it in themselves. -Evia

How a temporary protocol to help out became entrenched and standard Operating procedure
Speaking to black women still holding out for some race revival: The sentiment that best describes black woman's mind frame I believe is 'Lets do what we can in the meantime, as black men get warmed up/wake up to their responsibilities etc etc'.

So black women did what they thought could tide things over because of the hope and faith that black men would 'come online' soon (single parenhood, championing the races agenda in the absense of men). But no one put a time limit on this 'helping out the situation in the meantime' protocol. This means that what started out as a temporary measure has become an entrenched procedure.

Now that it has however become clear what the end result of this approach is, black women have to decided once and for all if ‘black nation building’ is a partnership project that needs to be carried out with equal efforts of black men and black women and efforts applied at the same time.


They then have to decide, if black men are really in the partnership with them.

How IR Bloggers frame their work I
We recognise that current frameworks and popular models for conceptualising social oppression and the general analysis on oppression, be it race or gender, even the current discussions on same, have never served or been crafted to serve the black female situation either by design or default.

Since these frameworks and tools used to offer an understanding of society do not serve black womens liberation needs, black women must make concerted efforts to construct and draw up an analysis for themselves and one that serves their situation and the purpose of their total empowernment. They must construct robust models that highlight comprehensively what the issues are for them and their social and situational realities and thus arrive at appropraite and effective solutions for the problems that they face.

Why black women remain confounded
One key reason why many black women are in utter confusion at this point; not knowing what to believe and what to do, is because they have made a practice of overriding internal honesty and an honest appriasal of the situation in their attempt to cover/protect b;ack men and be of service to them.

The fairminded black men is a scarce as hen's teeth
I must add here that I dont believe that black men can be fairminded in this respect. I believe that most are self serving, and out for themselves. I believe that they have been so spoilt and catered to within the black movement that now, the average black man continues to view issues in terms of all he can get out of it, and is unfit for considering anything beyond himself, particularly anything as far removed from his immediate gratification as that pesky thing denoted 'black uplift'.

Black women's relationship with each other I
Black women have ‘learnt’ how to be unsupportive of other black women over the years particularly in service of black men.

Black women's relationship with each other II
Lets face it, black women are complaining about mistreatment at the hands of black men. They talk about being victimized, and discriminated against, or of being the ‘target’ of black men’s anger etc. Thus for any black woman to want to hang onto her regard, unconditional love, support and faith in black men, outbursts and fall outs with other ’sistas’ is a given, as the presence of these women complaining about black men, will not allow them to keep up the pretence of saintly brotherhood any longer.

They are indeed turning the channel away from the preferred picture of black men and each day the evidence that they are not upstanding and saintly men other black women pin their dreams to, mounts. Thus the  tensions and frictions with the ones who are forcing a reassessment of this sacred perspective of the wonderful black male also mounts.

The cult of Hardship and Suffering to which 3/4 of black women are pledged
Deep down and without even processing it on a conscious level, black women who belong to the cult of the 'blues,' are saying, ‘That doesn’t sound like a black woman,’ ‘Where is the pain situation, where is the burden and the heavy load I have to labor under to really be a true black woman?’


This is a key reason why, when shown how they can move away from lack, some will find themselves going back to or gravitating towards websites and forums that dwell on our pain situation without a clear plan and encouragement towards real solutions (beyond hope and pray and 'if we love urselves more it will happen').

How IR Bloggers must frame their work
Black women MUST recognise a need for a black woman-centered analysis of oppression, which simply is one that which makes no concessions to any, but calls for equal and maximum penalties to be meted out to all and any who victimize black women. This serve as a deterrent to those who would attempt to hide behind the accepted discourse of 'white men are the source of all evil' to acquire leniency for acts of deliberate aggression against black women.

Why white men must feature centrally in discussions about the expanded relationship option for black women
White men are the largest group of men available to women in the western hemisphere therefore it is logical that they be the main focus of any attempts of black women to expand their traditional dating options (all this chat about 'why not talk about Asian men even Chinese men is just 'red herring' talk from people who continue to have issues with white men as a group afterall we are not living in China or India!).


White men also at present ‘recommend’ themselves in terms of a range of social indicators. Pointing out their positive scorings on these indicators is not worshipping it is simply noting the facts.


White men occupy a negative position in the overall black narrative, pointing out the positives of white men or pointing out that there are ‘created’ myths about white men in black narratives particularly aimed at keeping black women negative about them, is not worshipping, rather it is actually balancing out an unfair and negative picture that works more to the detriment of black women.

What are IR bloggers claiming about White men
None of the IR bloggers to my knowldge claim that there is a mainstream white male stampede for black women. Instead there is the realisation of an existence of a sub section of white men who can and do provide appropriate and satisfactory partnering prospects for black women and there are good odds and in some cases, even better odds of dating these than dating black men. We have also pointed out that some of the believed ideas about white men's taste, and habits and preferences are indeed ‘political stories’ used to put black women 'off' white men.


Black women loving their 'blues'
Black women, we do love jeremiads, and of course resist any message of hope or optimism, in fact many black women are resentful of those who want to pull the plug on pity parties.

I was once involved in a discussion where a group of black women staged a virtual walkout because others refused to accept that it was all so totally bleak and desolate for black women in the dating arena. They took great offence at what they said was ‘people trying to deny them their voice' even when these people were only sharing from their own real life experiences, experiences which did not reflect the ‘gloom and doom' these women insisted was the only legitimate reality of black women. They wanted to glory in being despised and recjected, it was too much to bear that they were not allowed to roll in the mud of their rejection and call attention to their pitiable plight among other women.

Why Black women doubt themselves
I want to point out that all this pessimism and disbelief has a lot to do with the fact that for years we have sacrificed our self-esteem and anything that could have improved our self-esteem, on the altar of service to black men. Along the way, black women embraced a self-denying service to their idol black men and the results are with us now.


We decided that an eroded self-esteem for black women would serve to shore up the masculinity of black men. We decided that we would sacrifice any suggestion of our wider appeal to other men, for the sake of inflating the black male ego, which we deemed as suffering under racism. Well guess what, we have been massively succesful, their egos are now grotesquely inflated and out of control. Now some of you cant say nothing to black men that they will 'hear'. Each day brings new demands for catering, coddling and more sacrifices and adoration.

Indeed, black women refused to allow themselves to acknowledge their ‘wider appeal’ for the sake of making black men less threatened and utterly sure of their superior masculinity (which held ‘their’ women utterly captive). We joined in spreading lies and fables about how black masculinity is superiority to that of all other men.

'Black Unity' is a failed concept
Harsh? Intolerable? For some maybe, but this is a simple, practical and realistic assessment of the situation.

Black unity will remain a failed concept because the critical ingredients to bring it to pass have not been obtained and they remain out of reach. Women running around trying to keep the idea alive and singlehandedly so, will not bring it about. All the fervent and heartfelt desire to see it happen will not do it.
 
At the most basic level of committment and interest that these men can be involved, which is caring for and resourcing their families, you cant even get them. This tells you everything you need to know.

Black Male Bashing is defined to prevent black women really coming to grips with what black men are up to
Apparently pointing out the activities of black men which negatively impact black women is the new definition of 'bashing'.
 
Black women are forced by general conversations around IR to persist in the belief that they want a black man
Yes it remains important for these folks that black women continue operating in the belief that they have to scramble for black men. You see, many if not most of these magazines are diametrically opposed to our real freedom as black women, so they suppress any information (or doctor them and take away their potency) that would cause eyes to open and cause black women to reach for all they can have. Indeed these folks that are loudly lamenting about how whites are denying them opportuntities and vital information are the same one, only too happy to set limits on the minds of their fellow black people. How they can live with the sheer hypocricy is shocking to me. Indeed some of you are talking about white folks hiding critical information from black people, well I tell you now, that they can be taught a thing or two by the master obscurants that are the black media!
 
Young Black Girls are ill prepared because their naivity and lack of knowledge is a tool to keep them 'in place'
Why are our young women still being sent off to schools and colleges naïve in the idea that black men will be theirs and embracing the idea that they must continue to reserve themselves for black boys/men and this is somehow a viable idea?

How is it that big sisters, aunts and mothers have decided to leave their daughters unprepared for something they themselves know and experienced. I question if they do indeed have good intentions towards our young black girls or are they so eager to see them hurt and demoralized as they were. Indeed, is this some necessary rite of passage for our girls.

We have and continue to do our young black girls a terrible wrong. Yes this does speak to the fact that the tradition of care and 'big sistershood' towards the next generation of black women has been eroded, if it isnt non existent altogether.
 
One would think that by now, this understanding of how black boys behave would have entered into and been incorporated into the general 'intelligence' passed to young girls to enable them negotiate school life and their youth effectively. Yet black women who have gone before them somehow see passing on this crucial bit of information unimportant. The question is, are older black women looking out for the younger ones? It doesnt appears so.
 
Required: Courage
I believe that the spirit required for black women now, is the spirit of courage.

Courage is required to admit hard things, heartbreaking things, things that quake the spirit and knock the knees. Courage to mourn and cry yet get on with the task at hand, the task of forging a new path and indeed starting over.

Do not let black women who are in a different 'place' to you determine your direction and priorities
I feel sorry for a host of black women who are taking notes from women under 25 on these critical issues as raised on these blogs. Now I have nothing against young black women giving advice, but a 24 year old black woman and a 34 year old black woman are in a different place, they are in different seasons requiring different priorities and with different opportuntities available to them. Do you know where you are on the time/priorities spectrum?

Give up your ill feelings and ill will towards white men and be free!
But not just that black women have a hatred of white men, they do not want this anger resolved. They are sworn to an eternal feud with white men. Even if this hatred is costing them greatly, they cling to it and wont give it up. In fact there is a part of their identity that is built on it and they believe that they would be lost without this 'centering' hatred of white men. Yep what is a black woman without this hate and anger at white men to ruminate on!

See everyone else have learnt or is learning to get along, even white men and black men. Visit London and you will see how many black men and white men go out to the pubs and are in deep freindships. Even criminal gangs are known to be integrated. I was shocked to open a paper one day with an article stating that gangs had learnt their way around the police by using their stereotypes against them ie white man in the getaway car etc.

Some statistics
While 42 percent of Black men were now married, just 31 percent of Black women were married when Census 2000 was taken. The LOWEST PROPORTION FOR WOMEN OF ANY RACE or origin groups. The 10 percentage-point difference in the percentage of Black men and Black women who were now married was the largest difference between men and women in any of the groups.

(source: http://www.census.gov/prod/2003pubs/c2kbr-30.pdf)

Black women and White men also received 'Thumbs up' for their ability to keep IR marriages beyond average!

OOW Children
Women of every group have offspring, that is what they do, it is a fact of life. However it is the men of the group that decide wether these women will be having these children within the confines of a marriage relationship or not. I repeat, women of child bearing age will have children one way or another. It is the men who decide wether these childen will be born in or out of wedluck.

Black men have placed black women into the position of Rivals, unbeknown to black women
Over the years, black men have begun to view black women as their rivals for the affection, attention and other attonement overtures of white people.

Notice how black men talk about how 'white society props up black women at the expense of black men'

Notice how they come with a catalogue of their own complaints anytime black women raise the issue of their trials in wider society, to take the focus off black women and block black women from the possibility redress.

They are also 'measuring shoulders' with black women over IR because for them, it is about 'more white people have to like us than like you,' and 'our profile and universal appeal must be higher than your'. Any wonder then that many are fighting tooth and nail against black women opening up their options, all the while with a blonde on their arm.

Black woman = race woman
Black women must give up living their whole existence around the notion of black community. It is the whole obsession of black community; of 'living for' black community, 'surviving' the black community, 'looking out' for black community, 'uplifting' the black community, 'protecting' black community, 'fixing' the black community, working for the benefit of black community, 'fitting in' with black community, 'residing' in black community, 'seeking her needs' within black community, aggitating for black community, 'rescourcing' black community,................. that has mired the black woman in her present hardship and misery and struggle.

It is black womens' refusal to stop playing community engineer or even god with the power to create without the necessary ingredients and raw materials in place, that causes black women to be burdened, stressed, struggling, denied, ill, drained, confused and depressed.

Black women must stop ordering their lives around, even putting themselves on hold for some coming great 'revival of black people.' They must go out and get their needs met NOW and from what is obtained and obtainable in the here and now.
 
Black women and their wider image
Now back to the issue of black women and our image, ask yourself, who would want to build relationships(alliances) with the stereotypical black women? Indeed who would want to give a job to the 'neck rolling', 'shrill' black woman that occupies mainstream imagination? Not many for sure. It is important to see then why this image of black women is in heavy rotation and heavily guarded so that it does not move off and away from popular imagination. Remember that it is the very ability to create alliances that is being attacked and taken from black women here, so that societies assets and material resources continue to circulate only in specific circles.
 
Self concern is something black women cannot have
There has been a massive campaign to extinguish self –concern in black women/girls in the last three decades, and the campaign has been largely successfully. I see it everyday, mindless, selfless drones of black women all worked up over and rushing around the cares of everyone else, with very little awareness that they have loads and loads of critical concerns that need to be addressed urgently. It’s really very shocking to me when I have to point out to black women, obvious issues that black women should attend to yet are busy turning over rocks to find issues that they can get stuck in to on behalf of others.
  
Focus on what you want and forget about being a 'do right' black woman
Lets face it, if you are a woman of a certain age and certain complexion and you are experincing 'shunning' by black men and even though day in and day out, you work, school or live around them (giving them ample opportunity to make a move) and no black man has of yet snapped you up, then really, why be so concerned about keeping them on the menu (they have had enough time to show interest and have not). It does make sense at least for expedience sake for you to simply look outwards and prospect new arenas indeed tailor yourself towards giving other men an all out chance. No one has finite rescources and at some point in a black woman's search, she is going to have to cut off a few leads to conserve energy and save time.
 
Why the black community wants black women locked within the group
It is of key importance within the general black thought system, that black women remain firmly located (locked) and localised only within the black construct/setting and unavailable to any other.
This might seem like an issue of black moral pride, even an issue of protecting black women but in reality by being so positioned, black women and their resources, be they material or otherwise, become held exclusively for the use of those within the black group and within ready access to be drawn on by those in the black category.
 
Black women as permission seekers
Black women spend an inordinate amount of time waiting to be given permission, even permission to do what they want and know they should be doing. They want their community to give them a go-ahead, a green light or a pat on the back and say, 'Yes we have weighed it up now and think that it is ok now for you to proceed'. Very sad to see all these black women who wont move on with their lives, but are just milling around waiting for a 'thumbs up' to get on with life, it is sad because they will never get one. They are the only willing horse now re the so called 'black agenda' and their lot is to be worked to death!

Just like in the 'Parable of the Sower' there are various 'soils' among black women. Which R U?
I have come to the understanding that our message will fall on the various 'soil' of black women out there (like the parable of the sower). Some women will take even half a percent of a chance and run with it and will produce a 100 fold, others will recieve the same message and immediately see a reason to be more depressed than when they thought they had only one option available.

So how you recieve the idea of the interracial option and the message that black women can have the relationships they want, is simply a matter of, 'What soil you are' (the parable of the sower: Mark 4:1-20, or Matthew 13:1-23, or Luke 8:1-15).

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book


And send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)