What was on the coffee table

Message to black women:
Never elevate black men above your own self-worth. Do not 'love' or esteem the black man to the extent they are over your self worth or hold your self worth as 'nothing' for the sake of black men and being of service to them or to race. I am saying this because I have come to the understanding that a good many things black women are told to do for black men or to do to be with them or to keep them etc are 'self worth' sacrificing things.

When asked to do something, for black man, around the black man’s situation, or even for the community (which often works out to be something for the black man), ask yourself, ‘Where is my self worth in all this?’

If you find your self-worth and your very dignity will be lying in tatters on the floor, refuse to participate.

An example of where black men are being elevated over your dignity and self-worth is, when told to (go as far as to) look for black men in strip clubs (black men are so important over and above your self-respect as a woman), another example is when asked to give criminals and low lifes a chance because they are black men (esteeming black men above safety and sanity of the black woman), or when asked to swoop down to deal with a man below your level.


What was on the coffee table?
I went to a relations house over last weekend. She had a copy of Essence (aka messence) magazine on the coffee table, the one with Jill Scott’s face on the cover.

I almost didn’t pick it up because of the whole ‘wincing’ issue, however there was a moment of inactivity and I picked it up to read the interesting fashion bits, and then glanced at Jill Scott’s interview.

I am not going to go into details of what I read, but a couple of things really struck me:

One was how black women who should know better, even black women who you think have some intelligence, invest full trust in black men even when the signs are very clear that they should exercise caution.

Apparently Jill Scott (now a single parent and a reluctant one as she claims) had a baby with a man with three kids from three different women, yet Jill Scott was happy to ‘trust’ that this man would come through for her so much so she didn’t secure the arrangements of her pregnancy and is claiming his betrayal came out of the blues! Incredible!

It’s amazing that everything that should teach black women to be extra wary with a black men is right in front of their eyes yet they still want to ‘trust a brotha’. It sounds to me like being scammed by a black man is a valued ‘battle scar’ for some black women. They might hope not to get this scar but when they do, they can proudly show it off as a testament to the fact that they ‘took one for their black race’. I strongly believe that these black women know they will be disappointed despite all the feigning of surprise that it didn’t work out. They feel, ‘let me just roll the dice, perhaps I will come out the odd exception.’

This is the sentiment I get when I read these ‘oh I trusted him but he messed me about’ stories, I feel that these women really know deep down what the deal is and decide to ‘sign up’ for it on the off chance it would work out for them but knowing that they are likely be left to go it alone and somehow being at peace with this outcome. It shows how low black women’s expectations have fallen with regards being able to have a marriage and a family in that order.

Anyone could have predicted that Jill would end up a single mum, all the signs where there, particularly the sign of a man with three kids from three different women, but Jill was ‘surprised’, by it all and how it was all such a 'curve ball'. This is the same pattern of perpetual surprise that Evia talks about. Black women are constantly surprised by things that were looming and so apparent that you can smell them! Ultimately this is all aligned with the magical thinking mode which seems to dominate the perception of many black women.

We can be sure that these women take pride in struggling alone and making the best out of their situation, instead of wanting so much more out of life, instead of refusing to deal with bad odds at all, but going for a more ‘promising scenario,’ they continue to deal in ones with so many riddles and doubts and likelihood of failure, as in this case of a man who has a bad track record. Its clear these women actually set themselves up for single parenthood meaning that on some level they have accepted that the fate of all those women around them is the one they will inherit and guess what? Both black men and black women know the score and they dance accordingly even while pretending that they will play it differently in their case.

I say this because this man bought a ring (according to Jill) and gave this ring to Jill on stage or in some very public situation. Never the less she went ahead to fall pregnant when the relationships was still full of uncertainty and nothing but promises (from a man with a worrying track record), and indeed knowing his track record, she should have insisted on a more secure situation. Let’s face it, she wanted to have a baby and was open to having it however the situation played out which is her choice however she is really tripping trying to sell us a story of ‘it came out of the blues, I really thought it would work out.’

She counts among her friends who ‘strengthened her’ in her trials, Monique and Erykah Badu. Lol! The cabal of low expectation for black women including open relationships, children by 100 different men, etc etc some of the things ‘strong’ black women do for their race and for which they should be ‘proud’ and hailed for.

One thing I was reminded of again in reading Essence after a long time, is how the writing is so designed to sell suffering and dysfunction as a nobel and transceding choice that the black woman takes on for their race! Its like mood lighting that takes you to an altered state, a place where a ugly thing takes on an appeal and 'foolishness' is somehow an elevated choice! Its so weird that I who know better was for that moment 'following along' with the reasoning of Jill Scott. Like I was saying, 'Ok I see how that could have happened or how she could have decided on that choice.' The dumb choices were somehow making sense! When I dropped the magazine a while later I came back to my normal frame within which I exclaimed, 'that was just sooo idiotic and so dumb!'

These magazines are so conditioning, its no wonder black women who are into these kinds of mags think along peculiar lines. Scary stuff!

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book


Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com