It can be difficult for black women to accept that some men just find our brand of femininity intoxicating

I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and across from me was an Asian (Hindu looking) woman and a black man (possibly African), being affectionate. I used the descriptive terms above to draw a picture and illustrate that you wouldn’t necessarily put these two together under usual circumstances, but there they were, a couple.

A 'fly' black woman!

It got me thinking about how black women discount themselves from certain mixed relationships and discount other people from being interested in them, and how this mindset might actually (more than anything else) be the reason why they don’t get to be in these partnerships and with diverse types of men and not- as they believe- the world-wide conspiracy against black womanhood. Contrary to popular opinion and given our eclectic society where people brush up against each other and are compelled in dozen ways each day, to eschew small mindedness and instead join the mainstream of life, most people are not automatons programmed fully by the prejudices of their communities, such that they cannot respond favourably and positively to other people, no matter how maligned these are by their in-group.

There are a hundred different reasons why a 'Hindu' woman would not date a black man, but maybe it is the knowledge of these reasons in the mind of the black man that would be the barrier and not the reasons themselves. In the case of black women I am beginning to think this is the critical issue.

One of the reasons why I am beginning to lean in this direction is that in a multiracial community as most of us live in, we mostly interact with others outside the charged imperative of finding a mate or getting into a relationship. We meet as work of school colleagues, just getting on with work or school tasks, not looking to get into 'relationships' with any of these. This can mean we can find ourselves falling for another before we remember to put up barriers of prejudices and apply the 'he/she is not suitable' type parameters.

Richard has a lovely smile and he is passionate about the environment. I deeply admire these attributes and respond positively -but unconsciously- to Richard and way before I even realize I am thinking along lines that should trigger or make me trigger my reservations about romance with him, and the process is happening vice versa. This is a scenario that plays out, a hundred thousand times a day around our multiracial communities. By the time we think of triggering our romantic reservations, the impression formed of an individual might simply be too overwhelmingly positive to override. Nature is a master at manipulating the situation in favour of optimising reproduction and the diversity that improves an offspring's chances of persisting into the future.

There are other realities of a modern society that can also strengthen our resolve against retreating back into old insular ways, for one, more and more interracial couples out there proclaim loudly -without saying a single word- that it can be done and it's no longer a big deal. Many of us also have come to understand that our communities are not bastions of peace and self-sufficiency but can be places of pain and stifling, so why not open to good wherever it comes. Many of us also know there are higher values to live up to, of openness, tolerance, the brotherhood of all humans and despite religious and cultural arguments, many of us would love to live up to these ideals.

And to leave the domain of theory, there are men who have developed a taste for black woman that is beyond social re-engineering – strange as it might be for black women to believe and accept this to be the case, which is a sad commentary on our sense of self worth.

I know some people experienced a little discomfort at the word 'taste', but guess what, I bet they would still experience discomfort if I used the words preference, 'are stuck on' or 'fixated', which is a commentary on how any sort of attraction to us, good or otherwise, on the part of white men has been 'sordidized' (yes this is a made up word). I remember a couple of years ago, one perceptive commenter on a web discussion on interracial dating, asking the question, 'how does a white man then show his legitimate/valid attraction to a black woman?' She then went on to answer her own question, that it appears there is no provision given for such an occurrence.

Guess what, when a white man's attraction is made sordid under any and all circumstances, this is how black women's womanly confidence suffers; she may start off frowning at white men for their ugly attraction to her but she later starts to (with the help of black commentary on the issue) believe something about her encourages this abnormal and inordinate response in him, and then she begins to nurse major doubts about her own femininity and feminine attraction.

As an addendum, a good deal of us feel that men are conditionally attracted to us (i.e. because of what we did right). This is the way media/current culture shapes the discourse (women need to do A, B, and C to be attractive). There is no denying that appearance and presentation etc go a long way, however it is essential to consider that some of the times, it is more about who that person is (internally), that makes for his attraction to us.

How does a black woman deal with gnawing self-doubt as she interacts with the world?

One way is to ignore it or act despite it.

Actors and performers often deal with crippling stage fright/fears, they still get through their performances without mishap. Sometime the answer is, 'Just do it'- just like Nike says. You don’t have to necessarily, resolve your disquiets before you accept the attention of a man or mingle in a group like you are the belle of the ball. Step forward even with the butterflies- the butterflies often are gone by act 1 scene 2!

Sometimes you fake it, nod and accept he thinks you are this magical thing, and soon you will grow into the confidence.

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First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
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Supposing I wanted to
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