When
it comes to black women and girls, some folk suddenly don’t know or quickly
forget where the boundaries of decency are...congrats to the brilliant Quvenzhane Wallis
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I
was actually thinking about it the other day when at church. Most of
the black women who are well put together, slim and well coiffed and
with the best voices in the choir were all ringless. This contrasted
glaring with their white counterparts. Even those who would in our
society be classed as homely were married or in some kind of
permanent relationship.
Of
course this has a lot to say about the view of white men and marriage
and wanting to be with women in such arrangements, and in addition,
says a lot about the fact that the word is not out yet that black
women themselves desire these partnerships and are happy to expand
beyond black men. But despite the explanations that we can read into
the situation, it is all very cold comfort.
We
know that the black community represents the 'no marriage zone' for
black women, (despite the fact that one or two of your girlfriends
managed to get the ring...eventually, this still holds true) and this
is why we BWE writers always strongly advice black women to get away
from black enclaves and black social milieus where they are not at
all taken seriously for marriage.
However and also, many white men
don’t think they should/can ask black women out, despite all the
signs that black women give out, and this is just a fact and I too am
getting a bit 'p$%#3' with the excuse that somehow people just don’t
know that a black woman might want to be with a man. Indeed I have
seen white women who look like they 'don't do men' who men still go
after and pursue and never ask, 'is she open to men, to my advances,
or is she looking to date?' No one asks these questions, they just
assume she is in the dating and relationship game until it is said
otherwise. However with black women, it appears the opposite view
holds for us and that is, 'she doesn’t want a man, until she says
otherwise.' This is what black women face, the general assumption
working against them and frustrating their relationship ambitions,
the assumption that unless told otherwise we are not into love and
relationships and are not a natural target for men's attention, we
are 'Miss independent', who doesn’t want or need to be bothered by
all this men-woman and pairing off business, we have better and more
serious things to do with our time!'
There
is nothing wrong with sadly acknowledging the fact that black women
occupy the blind spot of society. It helps to acknowledge it and not
pretend or skip over the sadness and try to claim it doesn’t affect
you especially when it hits hard certain days.
The
thing though is don’t waste too much time just feeling sad. It is
an issue that affects all black women (some more and some less),
which means that you must throw everything at the problem to dig
yourself out of this general black female predicament. Like I have
said many times, you earn money and resources so you can shore yourself up
in areas of struggle, deficiency, shortfalls etc. Not all of us will
have troubles or struggle in the same areas of life. I might have a
problem in the area of finding relationships and you might have it in
the area of finding a good job. You must divert resources to
ensure that you help yourself out in the area of your struggles and I
must also spend my finances to help me in my area of struggles.
This is how one proactive black women reader of this blog has put into effect my strong suggestion to get registered with a Matchmaker to, as she put it 'expedite' meeting a man for marriage.
For example, on your blogs about self-improvement and expanding your dating set you mentioned a few times about paying for a matchmaking service to expedite meeting Quality men. A few weeks ago I took the plunge and invested a significant amount of money in a matchmaking service! I've been online for years, sometimes meeting great men (usually they lived far away), and I started to get frustrated with the weeding out process. I'm very excited because tonight I have my first 'matchmade' date! So thank you so much, I never thought of taking my personal life to this level until you brought it up.
Ladies, if you can afford (or maybe if you cannot) you should definitely consider a matchmaking service. Yes, it's expensive, but the men usually pay 2-3 times more. I did not know this until recently. Men are not going to fork over several thousands of dollars if they are not seriously looking for a woman who has wife material! These men are SERIOUS! Plus, I know so much about the guy before we've even met.
And yes, I will admit I was initially hesitant because I want to only be matched with White or Asian men. Most matchmaking services are run by (White) women and I feared some sort of sabotage. Well, I can tell you ladies, not all are like that. After some initial surprise, (I was very blunt with my preferences; and on the phone I do not sound "Black") my matchmaker is excited and is making every effort to get me dates with the men I want. I do recommend that you are very blunt with your preferences. You do not want to fork over hundreds/thousands of dollars and get matched with Black men; if that is not your preference. These services only guarantee a minimum number of dates and you don't want to waste a single one!
The
fact that we are not seen or appreciated and ignored on the level of
being a woman is ugly and disheartening and it is OK to acknowledge this, but
if you stay in this state of being sad, what good will it do. You must never give up in
trying to turn the tide for yourself. Acknowledge the sickness, the
pure twisted nature of society with respect to black women, take a week off if you like, however
the sooner you push back the feelings of sadness and get back into doing
something, the better. Lastly, do not spread your discouragement online to other black women. Some of us just spread discouragement, we do not realize we can seriously damage others. It is a mature acting woman who knows she is going through a down time and just cuts off and takes time out, so as to not spread negativity. Share positivity and dont feel that you have a right to offload your ill feelings and negative emotions on other black women. What might be a passing phase for you may then very well bring about the downfall of loads of other black women.
Next blog post available from 16th March
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Nice article and interesting too, thought you'd like to see this video about why white guys like black women
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymVrD5kjIRw
Younger black women are mixing with non-black men and vice-versa.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the number of tv shows and advertisements featuring BW/WM pairings has grown.
It's happening...
When I was a teen learning how to drive my instructor was adamant about telling students to always watch out for cars traveling in your blind spot. The vehicle you can’t see can cause more damage than the one you see. With that said, your blog post caused me to ponder, how can bw/bg take advantage of this invisibility or blind spot?
ReplyDeleteThe available bw women I talk to despise online dating. Should bw start seriously considering more non-traditional ways of meeting mates, i.e., matchmakers and meet-ups? Investing our time and resources where we can get the highest return.
This reminded me of a post (I couldn’t find it) Khadija discussed the importance of operating with stealth. I have applied this to my life. I no longer tell people my plans unless they can help me get results. It is amazing how people think they are entitled to your life. Anyway, I remember times when I would blab my plans to the wrong people and they would go right into seek and destroy mode. So to those folk I have become invisible.
The matchmaking service sounds great to me I wonder if there's a UK based matchmaking service that is NOT affiliated with any particular religion. I'd love to say that I have the £1,000's squirreled away for this but I just don't and I'm currently dpending my time working and furthering my education.
ReplyDeleteI told my mother all about Quvenzhane Wallis from what I'd seen on the internet stemming from pointless hipster blogs like The Onion letting loose on the poor little girl like they nor anyone else ever did on Jodie Foster, Drew Barrymore, Lindsay Lohan, Dakota Fanning or any of Ozzy Osbourne's kids. I'm glad that enough people spoke up against The Onion to make them apoligise and retract their little joke but this onslaught of attacks against black women, girls and female fetuses has been a long time coming because even in the black construct black girls and women were barely ever treated with delicacy, empathy, a sense of protection and worthiness and as the decades roll by before our eyes these examples of standing up for justice for black girls and women and any empathy at all grow less and less.
ReplyDeleteHalima did say on this blog recently that non-bkacks of all stripes will take their cue from black people regarding how to talk to, approach, and treat black women and girls. If everybody else sees that BM and BW have no problem with treating BW and girls as mules, hosts for parasites, 'whipping girls', and the butt of some cosmic joke then they won't feel that there's any problem with that kind of treatment of a person either. BW had even as much as the past 20+ years to clear this up by stoping the monster of misogyny in its tracks and putting people in their place when it comes to treatment of BW and girls from black and white directions but of course BW thought it was much more important to their and their daughters' futures to have their noses up the posteriors of all BM including the most criminal and the most predatory ones.
Now with the internet age many young and older BW are speaking out and making positive actions against the monster that's grown too large now and I thank God that I've finally been able to witness such a site and I thank God for BWE but it is WAY the heck late in the game even though yes it has to be defeated and killed off, these anti- BW forces but come on BW had plenty of time to crush this while it was smaller back in the Typewriter Age.
Yes Energize you are absolutely right and those wrong people of any color and gender are exactly why I need therapy right now but I'm happy to see a therapist to work out my demons and any toxic memories in order to improve. But stealth is the ONLY way around saboteurs of BW who live to search and destroy your right to be happy and fulfilled.
ReplyDeleteNice to see this addressed. It is terrible to see the hearts of Black women being crushed yet again by men because of this invisibility nonsense.
ReplyDeleteSad how some people want to take the attack on a young Black girl as yet another opportunity to blame Black women & girls for being hated for decades/centuries by Black males. SMH.