Pardon me for the long silences as I organise to be more effective. It's a long drawn out process unfortunately which I might not complete soon. Part of the process is an E-book for white men wanting to have relationships/freindships with black women. From the stat analysis over the years, a third of the buyer of my first book fall under 'male' category and I know there is a need on the side of white men to have an understanding of where black women are 'at' and indeed coming from in terms of relationships and dating. This book will be the most detailed you will ever find on the topic as it will combine over a decade of research and analysis and fact-gathering from and for the 'white male perspective'. I am a few drafts in to this work (which has a very funny title I must say). Please keep a look out for more info!
Anyway, in the midst of this work and reorganising however, I think it is important to write down a few thoughts at regular intervals for black women. Pardon me of they seem all over the place.
Black women confused and feeling pulled in all directions
Many black women are at this point confused as to what they should believe. Since IR blogging took off, many feel we IR bloggers are revealing truth that have been concealed and obscured to the detriment of black women, and many of our arguments resonate with their experinces. However some are pulled in a different direction. Their deep affection for their community (and how it has been shaped) means they are thinking, 'Is the situation really that bad in the black community in terms of dating?' Should I really be giving up? What of our foremothers had given up? (notice the way the issue of being practical about your situation suddenly starts sliding into an issue of 'race treason', 'giving up', not persevering with trust and belief you should have in blackness, not being a strong woman etc.
Unfortunately the pre-framing of all arguments on having a broader option in terms of dating has confused so many black women that they cant really think with clarity about these issues. Somehow they end up feeling this is about betrayal, rejection of blackness, giving up on black men, everything those who would love to corall black women for the good pleasure and service of their communtites would love them to think it is about, to keep them in place serving as a 'resource' for others. Some black women actually think nothing wrong in being a 'resource' to their race and take great pride in it. In truth they dont have a full understanding of what it means to be a 'resource'!
Indeed many black women remain unaware that the 'black woman as backbone' concept has tranmuted up into something even far more exacting and extreme; the concept of 'black woman as rescource for their communtities'. In the case black women exist for the sole purpose of servicing their community any concern for their personal needs such as for protection, respite, succour, comapnionship are looked upon as self serving, amoral an affront and deviation from the needs of their communtities.
Let me also add here that many of us black women are comfortable with 'suffering' and being in a suffering state. We have become used to it and thats why when there seems a clear way out, we would rather 'wait for black men', or wait for the sitaution to change etc etc. I see women saying, 'I'll give it 2 years etc as if the world and or an opportunity will hang around forever'. If your sense of self is 'founded' on hardship, battling through for victory, going about things the 'hard way', and if this is the only way you actually feel comfortable living your life and attaining your goals then I wont be suprised if you are in the 'lets wait around and see' group of black women of which a significant portion will I am afraid wake up one day and discover they have left things too late. Yes I am actually talking about such things as having a family. A personal family experince has thought me that time is shorter than we think. There is an 'open window' to achieve whatever you want no doubt, but often this gives the sense of stretched out time which is such a deception. 3 years before your detremined cut off date might be your real deadline for things you have planned.
Now in terms of what you should believe. I think it is almost essentiall that black women learn to journal. If you have confusions over issues of this nature learn to put down your observations in written form. I have said that the most important perspective in this whole issue is your reality. Are you being treated well and good in your options for now, do you have a healthy number of relationship prospects ie available men. If you do then nothing else but this reality should inform your actions. Do not be overtly worried about what Halima says about the situation or that which other 'contenders' for your affiliation might say, as long as they do not rhymn with your everyday experince, pay the lot of us no mind! This is simple and straight forward.
Also and most importantly, 'keep your eye on the prze'. This is the overall and most important thing. If you want to date and get into a long term relationship, have children, have a career etc etc keep that goal always before you. You will find your unconscious mind will begin to look for ways to bring this about. When I was learning to drive, I stuck a cut out car on my wall, where I could see this everyday. I must tell you that I am a slow learner in such things but even in the dark days of learning, when I just wanted to give up or was too tired to wake up to take my morning lessons, my unconcious mind worked its way towards my goal until I got my licence! As we move into a new year I would encourage black women to do the visual game (I like the idea of the 'possibilities book' in the film 'Last Holiday' with queen Latifah in fact NLP preaches it!). Use a code word if you are conscious of others seeing your dreams spelt out boldly but you know that MTY means 'married this year'.
When you keep your mind and eyes on the 'PRIZE', it determines what and how you will do things. This is what I talked about in the Obama Lessons (see below). Obama had his goal set before him and therefore he plotted a straigh course infront of him which didnt involve dilly dallying on a beach in california, arguing for excess bee cultivation in Brazil etc. When you have a goal, you have focus, when you have a goal you jettison excess baggage to reach it, when you have a goal you streamline to achieve it. And thats what you want for the new year; goals acheived!
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Free E-book on 'The New Way to Date', from Author Ian Coburn. Download from http://www.godisawoman.net/Articles/The%20New%20Way%20to%20Date%20ebook%20-%205%20Steps%20to%20Great%20Dating.pdf