Saturday, June 14, 2014

Painstaking is how it must be sometimes

Certain journeys in life will involve you building brick by brick. It can be discouraging and off putting but only by laying one brick on top of another can you get to the end goal. I am learning the need for patience with myself in a number of these situations.


Goodbye and Goodnight Karlheinz
 
 
 
Karlheinz the Actor
 
Some of you might have seen this play out in your search for the right diet for you. Because of your own particular psychology calorie counting might not have worked. You might have tried dozens of methods, approaches and each tried 10 times before discarding. At the end you realise one particular method with a strange individual twist will give you the results you desire, and then you plateau and have to start the discovery process all over again. The idea is never to give up. If you are a single woman you might have got to a point where you realize that you have to discard everything you know or have been told about settling down, and painstakingly map out a new strategy by trial and error. Some of us realized that we had to start from scratch with how to put ourselves together, diet and fitness and then putting ourselves in prime locations to meet guys. You might have come to this realization after years of thinking it would just happen, or those precious years sitting up in church praying and thinking one of the few brothers would take notice. But realising there is a journey ahead can require you gathering yourself and purposefully setting out.

I went to watch the film 'Edge of Tomorrow' with Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt.
I don’t want to give too much away however one thing I really dug about the film was the pain-staking way they followed and tested each strategy until they arrived at the successful method to their goal of destroying the enemy. At one point the character played by Tom Cruise admitted that they had tested just one little section of the process a dizzying 300 times! It requires watching to understand but suffice it to say that sometimes you have to build your strategy to success by painstaking trail and error, noting down what works and what doesn’t, testing your theories in real life circumstances until you can say, 'I know the way.' Then you become an expert with a deeper insight. And you know that you know, that you know how to get there!

 
Halima is out for the Summer. See you Aug 30!

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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Find a way to get back in touch with the joy and pleasure of being a Female (which essentially means being different from males)

It's getting hard to feel in touch with and positive about being a woman in our western society today, and I don’t say this because of real misogyny and attacks against the female of the species that we hear about everyday, especially in areas of the world where the female is basically still seen as an appendage to all other sorts of other agendas outside herself. I think there is a concerted and wrong-headed campaign to flatten all the difference that exists between men and women in a way that has backfired on the positivity towards being female.

I am increasingly experiencing irritation at women in western world endlessly complaining about 'the sky falling in' because some male said something out of turn. In addition, when I look at what is happening to young women in say Nigeria and compare it with the incessant bleating of women in the West about what is comparatively 'small fry' issues, I cant help but feel that something is all very wrong about the way western woman approach being female and maybe something very careless also given the examples of real suffering (yes I said real), that are all about and of which these same women become curiously silent when confronted with - or suddenly start hemming hawing about 'cultural sensitivity' and how we shouldn't judge 'other cultures'.

School girls (mostly Christian) captured by the Islamic sect Boko Haram
 
Each day I open the pages of a newspaper I come across the latest complaint of western womanhood about 'casual sexism', the latest overheard gaffe of some highly placed male and why this is a sign of deep rooted misogyny etc etc. Meanwhile, real attacks are happening, the latest being the plight of mostly Christian school girls kidnapped in Nigeria by an Islamic sect Boko Haram and likely turned in slave-'wives'. I wish for drone-fire to rain down on these savages and their enablers and harbourers. It's too bad for these girls that they have been kidnapped at a time in the world when sensitivity to all things 'Islamic' prevents the world from getting ruthless with these un-evolved excuses for humans or even naming the activities of these savages for what it really is.

It is amazing that despite real and deadly misogyny having free reign in many of these third world nations, the women there are still able to maintain the sweet fragrance of femininity while women in the west who have been 'liberated' from overbearing male dominance don’t know the first thing about it.

It seems the campaign to flatten any difference that exists between males and females and render all male responses as invalid if not evil is making great progress. But alongside, the confusion of the western woman about her role in the scheme of things increases.

How to be Irresistible to White Men: doing it the Asian women way


So I have been reviewing this e-book from Lisa Marble. I found it to be what some black women need to get into the relationships they say they want.

Some people have argued with the premise; why should black women have to emulate Asian women. To me the answer is very straight forward. Asian women maintain a level of success in the dating and mating game more than any demographic so for that basic fact it would be foolish not to take a look at their modus operandi for pointers.

The other premise which is being argued against is: why do black women have to make themselves appealing to white men. It presses all our black pride buttons in the wrong way I guess. My response is that political correctness can be a real problem to dealing with the real world. If you are a sensible black woman you will put away Political Correctness and get what you want.

I enjoyed the book and got so many pointers from it. Get it, you might learn a thing or two.


Next post is 15th June 2014

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Monday, May 05, 2014

Those Ideas floating around in your head are for something

Please note down the ideas that occur to you in the course of the day, they are important.

You may have as many as 20-30 insights and unique ideas a day, how any of these do you capture in writing or as a voice recording? Make sure you regularly jot down these everyday ideas as well as read over them at intervals. They may look silly or irrelevant but there are gems that are contained. The reason I say this is that those ideas come from your consciousness scanning your environment for the answers to the many questions and challenges that you are facing in all sectors of your life.


Diana Ross and First Husband Robert Ellis Silberstein
 
There is something very amazing about the set up of the human mind and consciousness that means that it is actively looking out for itself, to ensure it has a fulfilling time of life, aligning yourself with this natural and innate ability will support you in reaching important goals and ambitions in life. It will also make achieving your goals easier and faster rather than a battle up hill. As long as a situation 'occurs' to you and is noted as a thing in need of an answer or resolution, your mind will get on the job. It will weigh up the critical points of the challenge or problem and then begin to scan your environment for the right solution. You must learn to support and encourage this innate setting and turn it actively towards making life the best it can be for yourself.

If you are going through a challenge and you are actively thinking about it or it is weighing on your mind, at various points in time in the day, ideas will occur to you. Your mind could also display a variety of solutions for you to consider in a dream, it may even act out an aspect of the scenario when you are in a dream state so you recognize the connection between the solution being presented and the issue you are facing. Take these solutions seriously as they can be ideal and can work for you in real time that is if you can remember them and explore the options contained.

Also your mind tends to sift through dozens of options of 'what you can do', presenting you the ones which are relevant to your situation.

I have personally also found that often even if I think I have forgotten my mind can reach back, right back to recollect previous ideas and solutions that would be of use in the present. So that little piece of research you did sometime ago is not always lost, it can be tucked away just waiting to be rediscovered especially when you are in a state of calm.

Next post is 25th May 2014

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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Dont let paucity of Imagination rob you of a glorious future Part 1


Don’t let Paucity of imagination rob you of a bright and fulfilled future

Failure of imagination (FOI) stands as the second most critical factor denying many of us a bountiful life. The first is laziness. The reason why I place FOI second is that people who are up and doing and who take risks often stumble into a good thing. However with your imagination you can create a vision for your future and then follow after this step by step till you reach your goal.

Caridad and Matthew Modine
One thing I am coming to an awareness of is that if you are consistent in working hard and not being a lazy procrastinator you don’t have to always been on top gear. Your prior efficiency has a way of filling the gaps for you in the case of some lapses or when you are not 100. You will be pleasantly surprised when you expect to put in much energy only to realize that you are reaping the rewards of past hard work when certain things just come together for you or roll into your hands. Also there are what I call 'kingpin' areas in our lives that enable us achieve results across the board. A slim fit body will help you in your career, in dating and romance and with a boost of confidence in a variety of areas of life and so will an educated mind, that's why you need to identify these 'king pin' areas and attend to them.

FOI is the inability to imagine a better future, which is the first step to creating it. If you accept things as they are; in other words, cant imagine a better situation, there is a good chance that your actions and activities will only help entrench the situation you are in permanently. No matter how many times you fall when moving towards a dream for yourself, you must get up, dust up and try again. It could be dieting, having a spouse, a baby, a new job or house, whatever it is, you must get up and keep at it. That’s what life is about anyway, working towards a better future, its an unending cycle until we are over and out.

It is so easy to see the status quo as unmovable and set when actually it can transform.

A few days ago the issue of black girl woes in campuses was raised once again in a face-book group that I am a member of. We all know the story; black girls are shunned by all the males in the school who look past them to other races of women, even the most polished and most put together black girls. We have been talking about this for years now and each time we think about how the individual black woman needs to go off campus to break from the situation, we have even advised black girls to wait it out saying to them that after university men develop more backbone about what they want in women and become less trend-led.

In a way I agree that men who have developed character and individuality are more likely to be open to black women and indeed form the ideal partners for them and this is a plus (black women's interracial unions tend to be the most enduring), but I became a bit worried about the idea of saying to black girls 'wait' especially as being part of the social loop in university goes beyond simply relationships but is so very vital in making connections and networks that serve black women for their career lives etc. Being shunned on the relationship level by their male peers is in a sense an indicator that they will also be left out of important loops when it comes to profitable social and career networks which will impact severely on their career achievements beyond university.

We need a better solution than advising individual black girls to 'wait' or 'go off campus,' what we need as a new culture to prevail where black girls are naturally included as normal and natural parts of the campus ecosystem. It is the failure of imagination as to how this could be achieved including the function of activists who change perception and foster inclusion. And no this isn’t about black women 'doing all the work' and changing social climates isn’t a new phenomenon, indeed working on integration and diversity is something already being done on campuses including for LGBT students and the situation they often face.

It is however not simple to put directly the case of 'black women should be included in the dating options of males on campus.' There is no surer way to possibly put people off you on in the romantic realm than to make it an issue of obligation, fairness and equality. Romance doesn't work like that. I also don’t believe that black girls are without their own inherent attraction there in the men around them. I believe that factors derived from the overarching racio-misogynic setup is producing a screen and filter to the charm, attractiveness and beauty that is to be found in black women and black women can help the situation out effectively just as they can take a wet sponge to a dirty window and remove the grime to let the sunlight through.
 
So if we cant address the issue in terms of 'awareness raising' and the likes, black women must act radically and with stealth to upend the current 'invisibiling' status quo they are experiencing. Black girls need to learn to crash parties, create a brand, a buzz, to put themselves on the map. I am at this point too far removed from the university campus life to even begin to make some useful suggestions but I know that with social media and all the technology available to young people today, a change can be made. If we let it slide or put up with it because of our own failure of imagination as the older sisters, it doesn’t mean that young black girls have to resign to their fate. They should take up the mantle and the charge to carve out a new reality for themselves. It would also be much more effective if a group of black girls understood the issue they faced and combined their efforts to changing things.

I am curious to know any thoughts readers have on what can be done.


I will be away from base for a while so next post is 4th May 2014

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Sunday, March 16, 2014

One Habit to take you to the Next Level

I love my bed and I hang on to it as long as I can in the mornings, waking up only after the 3rd snooze alarm has gone off. I have known (at least in my head) that early waking helps you to get the best out of your 24 hours but I have always thought 'I will sleep late and stay up later.' This arrangement seemed to suit me fine especially being a night person that I am. I however had a whole change of mind a few month ago.
 
    The late great Actor Peter Finch and Wife Eletha (curtesy Argenta Images)
I was trying to work out the setting up of a new gadget I had bought. I don’t like gadgets especially because there is this massive user manual that you have to weed through just to learn how to work anything from a camera or even the simplest plug-in on your computer. In this case I had tried over a couple of weeks to install the gadget correctly but most of the time I tried, I read the relevant manual pages over and over without grasping the right procedure. Other times I just didn’t have the mental energy to tackle it. Well on this faithful day, I had fallen asleep earlier than usual and so woke up at 5am. A sudden wave of inspiration pushed me into deciding that I would tackle installing the gadget with the few minutes I seem to suddenly have to spare this morning.
 
It took me all of 10 minutes to install the gadget that I had spent hours trying to figure out!
A fresh brain coupled with renewed will power was the reason why the problem that had stumped me for weeks took such a short time. I was clearer in my thinking able to see things I simply stared through when my mind was foggy and when I was tired.
 
A certain school of thought believes that our short term memory is 'discharged' and freed up for more information and mental work after night's sleep. In addition some experiments seem to suggest that your will power is also at it's peak when you wake. This means that you can take on challenging tasks without a heightened level of discouraging feelings and thoughts flooding in and the whole self sabotage dynamic coming in to play. You are then also able to perform task that require discipline and might be low on instant gratification. This is why it has been suggested that if you are struggling with overeating and have a poor relationship with food it would be better to eat the bulk of your food towards the end of the day when your will power is running low. In other words while you have the will power on your side, eat smaller and wait to eat bigger when you would really want to emotionally at the end of the day. 
 
If you have to learn a new skill, do some intense studies, take on a task you are dreading and have been putting off, research a topic you've been stalling on then wake early and devote those very effective couple of hours to doing it. It will take less time, you will understand and pick up more and you will have the satisfaction of knowing you have been very productive which will crown your very day. In fact go one step further; make a habit out of it and wake up early each day and devote the first hour to some mental work for instance improving your IT skills and abilities through studying and reading and before you know it, you will be an authority/expert in the specific area.
 
I will be away from base for a while so next post is 12th April 2014

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Monday, March 03, 2014

Don't get led away from your goals and your dreams in life

It seems that Mr Simon Cowell has finally been 'landed.'
 
Ok he may not be married to the woman but he is now the proud father of an infant son and it seems very clear that he will do all he needs to be in his sons life! He has taken to twitter and other media to display what is no doubt a deep genuine affection between father and new born. Insider accounts say he is besotted with the young bairn who he quite telling named Eric, after his late father. 'I have waited for you all my life' he is reported to have said at the arrival of Eric. It's lovely to see such father son affection, especially from someone like Simon Cowell who often seems incapable of loving anyone but himself. I wish him every joy in the world and it is easy to see that Eric is helping Simon plug the huge gaping hole in his heart that came about when his father died. Anyone who knows anything about Syco (yes the name of Simon's business concern), knows that Simon's father was the only man Simon strove to impress and losing his father just before his success was cemented was a very big blow to him.
 
Simon will now do everything to be in his son's life
 
Anyway why am I giving a rundown of the history of Simon Cowell?
 
I am writing about this intriguing story because Simon claimed for years and years to the media and to girlfriends that he wasn’t ever intending on being a father. He announced it repeatedly to all who could hear, that he was not a family man. I am certain he meant it for the time and I don’t think he really changed his mind, he just found himself expecting a baby with his paramour and she wanted to keep it and that was that. Suddenly he is enjoying fatherhood more than he ever thought he would or could and you see, that’s the thing, sometimes people genuinely don’t know what will make them happy. In life we sometimes stumble on the path that fulfills us, that’s why it is important not to close yourself off from other parts, people and situations. Sure we all specialize and focus in, as we grow older. We decide we will be a carpenter rather than a poet or a doctor rather than an electrician but if you become rigid about not letting yourself experience life beyond narrowed boundaries, you can miss out on so much that life has in store.
 
So my mind goes to the girlfriends who took his disinterest in being a father seriously. I know some broke up with him over this stand, others I think sadly might have tried to go along with his no child agenda and it might have severely damaged their own abilities to have their own offspring- one particular girlfriend comes to mind when I say this.
 
In truth, it’s very easy to go along with another persons 'agenda' and damage your own dreams, especially if you have become attached and feel that that is the only way to hold on to them. Si Co is a powerful man, with the lifestyle to match and the networks and connections that can make life smooth and pleasant for any woman. It could be all too easy to convince yourself under these 'incentivising' circumstances that you are of the same mind as him in the matter of children. I am glad some of his girlfriend parted company with him eventually to maybe keep their dreams of children alive. Which brings me to the second point.
 
Some of these women who moved on might look back and regret, but the truth is that their 'timelines' did not coincide with where Simon was at the time. This is a reality of life and you should not kick yourself if you cant get yourself on the same page as your romantic other. Don't hang about or try to make them fit with what you want to do or where you want to be. You must have the courage to move on. Even if you see that later they went and did exactly what you wanted from them but with someone else, know that it wasn’t for you and them. It’s easy to say, 'maybe if I had waited', but it is unlikely they would have 'changed' for you.
 
A lot of people change because of experiences and often times we act as that experience for others. Coming across us might be that catalyst for a change in some people's lives. I know men who have mistreated women and lost a good thing, learning a hard lesson on how not to treat people for their future. Some white men have let priceless black girlfriends slip out if their fingers (and vice versa) because of family, nay sayers and what have you. Having gone through that experience, they come out on the other side, vowing to never let others mess up their good thing ever again!
 
So to summarize, you must not sacrifice your dream to be with someone because you will regret it. Also you have to know what you want, what your deep felt desires and dreams are because If you don’t, it is easy for someone with their own firm ideas about what they want from life to sweep you along with them and apply you and your energies to what they want to do.

Once you have defined what things you want out of life. Pursue it with vigor! 

Next post 15th March 2014

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Thursday, February 06, 2014

Hunting for White Racism

Hunting for and turning over rocks to seek out evidence of white hypocrisy about race, seems to be a very popular pastime with many black women. Each day I get dozens of emails and articles in my inbox, on the topic of 'outing' whites as racist, against all their protestations. The other week, I got one saying, 'White people treat blacks different in Emergencies' or some such title. As you can see I am more or less blasé about all this and so cant even remember the title.

It might seem a bit exciting to peak into the minds of whites, to confirm what you have always thought about them: that they are a two faced group of people, ‘they smile in your face, but stab you in the back.’ However I think this preoccupation to expose whites is entirely time wasting. And here's why:


Why? Because I feel like showing a black woman with a seriously kicking body ...so sue me!

Racism is a natural response

Truth is that it is only in Western societies that we have taken very great steps towards social engineer against a normal natural impulse in all humans. Humans fear difference or fear the outsider who is marked different by their appearance.

Lets use an evolutionary model here to look at why racism is a natural response. Let’s think back to a time when racial characteristics linked closely to you being from a different continent and climatic condition (before the time of large scale and modern travel). Supposing I was taking my daily stroll down by the rift valley, just chilling, and I suddenly saw a band of foreigners who were finally revealed to have come from far afield as China. What do you think I would feel seeing these strange folk riding on horses or who knows what? I am sure most of you would say I would feel alarmed, and you are not wrong. Racial difference would mean they came from an area that is markedly physically different to the area from my locality. It would suggest that they have been subject to different climatic conditions and they have a culture that has evolved from that climatic and ecological landscape. How do I know that they don’t have a belief system that would imperil my own life and that of others who look like and act like me. If they came from a harsh and unforgiving land than it could be quite easily true that they have adopted cultural codes that match the need to survive under those situations. Maybe they don’t like to share or in their lands, darker skin meant the attack of a very wasting disease that could kill in thousands. If this were the case then I could be in serious trouble couldn’t I?

Even in a less threatening scenario, their culture would be different and might lead to a serious conflict around resources (maybe they come from an area with an abundance of water and thus treat that resource differently to how my tribe would, coming from the other point where we don’t have much of it). There are a thousand and one ways in which we could suddenly come into serious and even life threatening conflict as people who come from lands which have evolved markedly different ways of life. A shorthand way of dealing with this situation and its range of variables which could possibly prove lethal is for humans to have this instinct to respond with reservation to characteristics marking people as coming from a different climatic and thus social milieu.

Racism is a problem in all of us

If studies were done for blacks as frequently as for white, we would notice no great difference in basic responses. We are not naturally trusting of difference, we just have had to put up with it and evolved more open and cooperative ways of dealing with others out of necessity. Blacks are not the socially dominant group in Western societies so it hasn’t been a very pressing issue to analyse our attitudes in these matters. Negative reactions in blacks are also often excused away or put down to the fact that we are minorities and socially excluded as a group and so these responses are a result of the evil of racism and the racist system that surrounds us etc etc etc.

Stop wasting time fishing for and collecting articles and data on whites subliminal race aversion

These response are comon to all mankind and until the time when humans can engineer their every attribute I doubt we will be able to get rid of this response which is bedded deep in the human psyche.

I am hoping black women can wean themselves off the self justified feelings they get when they read and chase down the latest report on white racist hypocrisy.


How to do this

Consider white folk as mere human as we are human.

Consider that a reasonable focus ought to be how to avoid being at the mercy/victim of these natural human responses to difference. You will be able to control some of it, but you will not be able to save yourself from ever being a victim of such race prejudging or knee-jerk, 'unevolved' response to your racial difference. That my friend is life and what it means to be a human being vulnerable to broader realities and plain life's happenstance. Try not to get bent out of shape if it is not a serious issue. Focus on surviving, fighting back and having 'options' available to you to side step to.

Above all, pray for good fortune!


Next blog post 21st Feb
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