When it comes to black women and girls, some folk suddenly don’t know or quickly forget where the boundaries of decency are...congrats to the brilliant Quvenzhane Wallis
I was actually thinking about it the other day when at church. Most of the black women who are well put together, slim and well coiffed and with the best voices in the choir were all ringless. This contrasted glaring with their white counterparts. Even those who would in our society be classed as homely were married or in some kind of permanent relationship.
Of course this has a lot to say about the view of white men and marriage and wanting to be with women in such arrangements, and in addition, says a lot about the fact that the word is not out yet that black women themselves desire these partnerships and are happy to expand beyond black men. But despite the explanations that we can read into the situation, it is all very cold comfort.
We know that the black community represents the 'no marriage zone' for black women, (despite the fact that one or two of your girlfriends managed to get the ring...eventually, this still holds true) and this is why we BWE writers always strongly advice black women to get away from black enclaves and black social milieus where they are not at all taken seriously for marriage.
However and also, many white men don’t think they should/can ask black women out, despite all the signs that black women give out, and this is just a fact and I too am getting a bit 'p$%#3' with the excuse that somehow people just don’t know that a black woman might want to be with a man. Indeed I have seen white women who look like they 'don't do men' who men still go after and pursue and never ask, 'is she open to men, to my advances, or is she looking to date?' No one asks these questions, they just assume she is in the dating and relationship game until it is said otherwise. However with black women, it appears the opposite view holds for us and that is, 'she doesn’t want a man, until she says otherwise.' This is what black women face, the general assumption working against them and frustrating their relationship ambitions, the assumption that unless told otherwise we are not into love and relationships and are not a natural target for men's attention, we are 'Miss independent', who doesn’t want or need to be bothered by all this men-woman and pairing off business, we have better and more serious things to do with our time!'
There is nothing wrong with sadly acknowledging the fact that black women occupy the blind spot of society. It helps to acknowledge it and not pretend or skip over the sadness and try to claim it doesn’t affect you especially when it hits hard certain days.
The thing though is don’t waste too much time just feeling sad. It is an issue that affects all black women (some more and some less), which means that you must throw everything at the problem to dig yourself out of this general black female predicament. Like I have said many times, you earn money and resources so you can shore yourself up in areas of struggle, deficiency, shortfalls etc. Not all of us will have troubles or struggle in the same areas of life. I might have a problem in the area of finding relationships and you might have it in the area of finding a good job. You must divert resources to ensure that you help yourself out in the area of your struggles and I must also spend my finances to help me in my area of struggles.
This is how one proactive black women reader of this blog has put into effect my strong suggestion to get registered with a Matchmaker to, as she put it 'expedite' meeting a man for marriage.
For example, on your blogs about self-improvement and expanding your dating set you mentioned a few times about paying for a matchmaking service to expedite meeting Quality men. A few weeks ago I took the plunge and invested a significant amount of money in a matchmaking service! I've been online for years, sometimes meeting great men (usually they lived far away), and I started to get frustrated with the weeding out process. I'm very excited because tonight I have my first 'matchmade' date! So thank you so much, I never thought of taking my personal life to this level until you brought it up.
Ladies, if you can afford (or maybe if you cannot) you should definitely consider a matchmaking service. Yes, it's expensive, but the men usually pay 2-3 times more. I did not know this until recently. Men are not going to fork over several thousands of dollars if they are not seriously looking for a woman who has wife material! These men are SERIOUS! Plus, I know so much about the guy before we've even met.
And yes, I will admit I was initially hesitant because I want to only be matched with White or Asian men. Most matchmaking services are run by (White) women and I feared some sort of sabotage. Well, I can tell you ladies, not all are like that. After some initial surprise, (I was very blunt with my preferences; and on the phone I do not sound "Black") my matchmaker is excited and is making every effort to get me dates with the men I want. I do recommend that you are very blunt with your preferences. You do not want to fork over hundreds/thousands of dollars and get matched with Black men; if that is not your preference. These services only guarantee a minimum number of dates and you don't want to waste a single one!
The fact that we are not seen or appreciated and ignored on the level of being a woman is ugly and disheartening and it is OK to acknowledge this, but if you stay in this state of being sad, what good will it do. You must never give up in trying to turn the tide for yourself. Acknowledge the sickness, the pure twisted nature of society with respect to black women, take a week off if you like, however the sooner you push back the feelings of sadness and get back into doing something, the better. Lastly, do not spread your discouragement online to other black women. Some of us just spread discouragement, we do not realize we can seriously damage others. It is a mature acting woman who knows she is going through a down time and just cuts off and takes time out, so as to not spread negativity. Share positivity and dont feel that you have a right to offload your ill feelings and negative emotions on other black women. What might be a passing phase for you may then very well bring about the downfall of loads of other black women.
Next blog post available from 16th March
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