Thursday, February 28, 2013

Do we Black Women occupy the blind spot of society?

I received an email the other day from a black woman who was really down about being ignored and made invisible in our society despite doing her very best in every way. I share her frustration.

When it comes to black women and girls, some folk suddenly don’t know or quickly forget where the boundaries of decency are...congrats to the brilliant Quvenzhane Wallis

I was actually thinking about it the other day when at church. Most of the black women who are well put together, slim and well coiffed and with the best voices in the choir were all ringless. This contrasted glaring with their white counterparts. Even those who would in our society be classed as homely were married or in some kind of permanent relationship.

Of course this has a lot to say about the view of white men and marriage and wanting to be with women in such arrangements, and in addition, says a lot about the fact that the word is not out yet that black women themselves desire these partnerships and are happy to expand beyond black men. But despite the explanations that we can read into the situation, it is all very cold comfort.

We know that the black community represents the 'no marriage zone' for black women, (despite the fact that one or two of your girlfriends managed to get the ring...eventually, this still holds true) and this is why we BWE writers always strongly advice black women to get away from black enclaves and black social milieus where they are not at all taken seriously for marriage.
However and also, many white men don’t think they should/can ask black women out, despite all the signs that black women give out, and this is just a fact and I too am getting a bit 'p$%#3' with the excuse that somehow people just don’t know that a black woman might want to be with a man. Indeed I have seen white women who look like they 'don't do men' who men still go after and pursue and never ask, 'is she open to men, to my advances, or is she looking to date?' No one asks these questions, they just assume she is in the dating and relationship game until it is said otherwise. However with black women, it appears the opposite view holds for us and that is, 'she doesn’t want a man, until she says otherwise.' This is what black women face, the general assumption working against them and frustrating their relationship ambitions, the assumption that unless told otherwise we are not into love and relationships and are not a natural target for men's attention, we are 'Miss independent', who doesn’t want or need to be bothered by all this men-woman and pairing off business, we have better and more serious things to do with our time!'

There is nothing wrong with sadly acknowledging the fact that black women occupy the blind spot of society. It helps to acknowledge it and not pretend or skip over the sadness and try to claim it doesn’t affect you especially when it hits hard certain days.

The thing though is don’t waste too much time just feeling sad. It is an issue that affects all black women (some more and some less), which means that you must throw everything at the problem to dig yourself out of this general black female predicament. Like I have said many times, you earn money and resources so you can shore yourself up in areas of struggle, deficiency, shortfalls etc. Not all of us will have troubles or struggle in the same areas of life. I might have a problem in the area of finding relationships and you might have it in the area of finding a good job. You must divert resources to ensure that you help yourself out in the area of your struggles and I must also spend my finances to help me in my area of struggles.

This is how one proactive black women reader of this blog has put into effect my strong suggestion to get registered with a Matchmaker to, as she put it 'expedite' meeting a man for marriage.
On another note, I want to tell you that you certainly reach and help a lot of women who read your blog and maybe don't comment on what they learn. We are definitely learning the lessons and applying them in real life. I know the feedback you receive may not reflect this.

For example, on your blogs about self-improvement and expanding your dating set you mentioned a few times about paying for a matchmaking service to expedite meeting Quality men. A few weeks ago I took the plunge and invested a significant amount of money in a matchmaking service! I've been online for years, sometimes meeting great men (usually they lived far away), and I started to get frustrated with the weeding out process. I'm very excited because tonight I have my first 'matchmade' date! So thank you so much, I never thought of taking my personal life to this level until you brought it up.

Ladies, if you can afford (or maybe if you cannot) you should definitely consider a matchmaking service. Yes, it's expensive, but the men usually pay 2-3 times more. I did not know this until recently. Men are not going to fork over several thousands of dollars if they are not seriously looking for a woman who has wife material! These men are SERIOUS! Plus, I know so much about the guy before we've even met.

And yes, I will admit I was initially hesitant because I want to only be matched with White or Asian men. Most matchmaking services are run by (White) women and I feared some sort of sabotage. Well, I can tell you ladies, not all are like that. After some initial surprise, (I was very blunt with my preferences; and on the phone I do not sound "Black") my matchmaker is excited and is making every effort to get me dates with the men I want. I do recommend that you are very blunt with your preferences. You do not want to fork over hundreds/thousands of dollars and get matched with Black men; if that is not your preference. These services only guarantee a minimum number of dates and you don't want to waste a single one!

The fact that we are not seen or appreciated and ignored on the level of being a woman is ugly and disheartening and it is OK to acknowledge this, but if you stay in this state of being sad, what good will it do. You must never give up in trying to turn the tide for yourself. Acknowledge the sickness, the pure twisted nature of society with respect to black women, take a week off if you like, however the sooner you push back the feelings of sadness and get back into doing something, the better. Lastly, do not spread your discouragement online to other black women. Some of us just spread discouragement, we do not realize we can seriously damage others. It is a mature acting woman who knows she is going through a down time and just cuts off and takes time out, so as to not spread negativity. Share positivity and dont feel that you have a right to offload your ill feelings and negative emotions on other black women. What might be a passing phase for you may then very well bring about the downfall of loads of other black women. 

Next blog post available from 16th March

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?

Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon


Friday, February 15, 2013

Notes from the institute of Clear thinking for black women

A few thoughts on a couple of topics

Tip No 2756 on how to make it in the dominant white culture -Smile like a half wit

Dolly 'eternal sunshine' Parton
After many years of working around whites, I have come to the realization that they are deathly afraid of morose, unsmiling black people (black women more so than black men who they can tolerate their 'anger' because black men are justified in their anger because of what white men have done to them – it's not really that cutting and brutal for black women- and of course many white woman want to gather the sad black man to their maternal bosoms and comfort them). An unsmiling black woman; a sure sign that there is a deep well of anger and resentment at white people, which is the stuff of nightmares for many white people because the black woman might suddenly go psycho on them and they want to avoid this by all means!

If you want to get ahead, be bright and breezy, at work and in the company of whites! Be very careful about indulging in moments of personal introspection when at work – which tends to make the face drop and look pensive- because you are being watched closely. Instead think on only nice happy things when at work but if you are suddenly overwhelmed by a need to wallow in something sad and bad please go to the toilets!

It might seem I am joking here but this is my honest advice. If you are as smiley as Dolly Parton, you will find more contracts and opportunities pushed your way because you are the kind of black person they want to keep around!

Discernment is Key

A whole lot of black women do not know how to discern when a black person is looking to make a buck off them and when they are genuinely interested in their helping them.

I don’t think that there is anything wrong in profiting from a service as long as you give real value for the money you receive. I must have mentioned this before on this blog, about a particular black guy who set up a 'black love' and dating 'business', essentially profiting of the endemic singleness of black women in London. Women would be lectured on why they had not found their good black man and there were offers to (for a fee) 'let us find you your ideal black man' etc. I mentioned that this man was 'outed' as contemptuous of black women at one black gathering a while back when he jeered at black women who were complaining about their singleness plight. I don’t think any black woman at that event would have been left in any doubt that this man had a deep seated anger and resentment towards black women and was gloating over their predicament. Yet his business moves from strength to strength with events at some expensive hotels. Now I am no knocking his hustle. I have spoken to a few black women who say the service is so so and they are still searching but they attend his events faithfully, sometimes they are asked to bring along single men (for other women who also bring along other single men).

A lot of black women are wasting time they don’t have, trying to work a formula that just doesn’t compute and whose basic premise is erroneous (there are enough black men out there who are interested in marrying -and marrying black women- for every black woman). Instead of working a formula which makes sense (casting a wider net, going on dating sites/match makers), these women would rather invest money and time in forcing an approach that is clearly (from looking around them) not yielding much.

Anyway as they say, 'A fool and his money are soon parted'

Social Mobility continued...

I was comparing the premise of social mobility and feminism in my last post and I was encouraging readers to make the social mobility model work for them.

It might seem awkward that I would compare social mobility with feminism but bear with me for a second.

From wikipedia

Social mobility is the movement of individuals or groups in social standing/social position [1][2] It may refer to classes, ethnic groups, or entire nations, and may measure health status, literacy, or education — but more commonly it refers to individuals or families, and their change in income.[1] It also typically refers to vertical mobility—movement of individuals or groups up (or down) from one socio-economic level to another, often by changing jobs or marriage; but can also refer to horizontal mobility—movement from one position to another within the same social level.

Mobility is enabled to a varying extent by economic capital, cultural capital (such as higher education), human's capital (such as competence and effort in labour), social capital (such as support from one's social network), physical capital (such as ownership of tools, or the 'means of production'), and symbolic capital (such as the worth of an official title, status class, celebrity, etc.).

Why I say that the social mobility model works over equality (read: feminism) model, so 'work' the former and don’t wait for the latter!

At its basic level feminism is about advancing the rights of women, in other words you could say it is about 'clearing the path' for woman (though I know that it has come to mean so much more these days). In the same way the social mobility is also about advancement but the advancement of the individual. Thus in terms of getting ahead, it could be said that they are rival models. The Equality model which included feminist model, is an ideal and we must in all good sense, and as a healthy society, aspire towards fairness and always work towards a more and more equal society. Yet we have to know that society is geared around enabling the individual rise through the ranks as opposed to ensuring that it works like 'rising water that lifts us all'. An individual will go further if they leverage the principles of social mobility as opposed to wait for a 'fairer' society to kick in. Equality and fairness: who knows if we will ever achieve completely these ideals even though we have a duty to works towards this state.

As I have previous said and want to reiterate:

I think feminism as an ideology is so vital and really comes into its own when addressing the most basic and fundamental rights of women including combating misogyny, the right of women to control their reproduction, equal payment for equal jobs etc etc

Why running your life according to some feminist principles could leave you in the lurch

Many black women have borrowed too many politically correct concepts and ideas without the understanding that these notions are not giving them the victory they seek. I am here to tell black women that utilitarian approaches are better for black women not Politically correct and idealistic philosophies especially those borrowed from modern feminist thought. 'Being fat is fine', 'Be a single mother if you want, its your choice', 'No one should shame a Slut'... I am wondering how have these notions helped the situation of black women as a group?

There are many kinds of 'experimental' ideas out there offered in the name of progressiveness, equality and openness but they will not pay off for black women even if their white counterparts manage to dabble and go scotch free from all sorts of new social engineering ideas. The BWE writer Khadija has said 'tried and tested,' black women must always look to the tried and tested approaches and I agree.

For a little heads up:

When countries are rich and have a surplus in finances (however that is defined), they can engage in endless social experiments around making the society more 'just' and 'equitable'. So there is a robust welfare system, you can do whatever you want with your life like eat yourself to a damaged health, smoke endless cigarettes or be a couch potato. Very likely the government will pick up your health tab and support whatever lifestyle choice you make. Just don’t be caught out when the cycle of boom comes to and end... ah too late! many of us have been caught out with this current recession.

I find it very funny that after years of promoting a 'do as you please' and 'be free and unlimited' when it comes to life choices (because your lovely government will pay for it), now folks are being told in no uncertain terms that there will be no more gravy trains in fact these days the government doesn’t even bother to talk, you just turn up to where you used to be able to get a free service and the door is boarded up with no information about where you might be able to find another service. People are being told that choices have consequences and they will have to underwrite their own choices. This is very much the case in terms of what kind of diet and lifestyle people chose, and simply put, government will no longer pick up the tab for the consequences of your unhealthy choices. Tax payers, insurance firms and companies are all revolting and they do not want to pick up the tabs any more for the excesses of the western individual, who has the choices and opportunities and information to take charge of their lives, but often refuses to do so.

I have told a fair few folks around me that good diet and exercise is no more up for debate for any sensible person, because these days with many hospitals silently withdrawing certain medical options or simply ratcheting down the standard of care, being as fit and healthy as you can be is the best insurance you can take out for yourself.

So many people who cultivated a relaxed and a careless approach to life and living are high and dry at this point. The most troubling thing however as I said is that in some cases where it has become almost impossible to broach some issues because of political correctness or because of election cycles, government is simply withdrawing support and funding from certain projects and changing policies silently and without warning!

As we can see, government seems to be saying they got it wrong in many respects hence anyone who lets government set their priorities, their pace and agenda, will find themselves in trouble when suddenly government decides to do a '180' in terms of their policy. Policys change but acting with common-sense can safeguard your life!

Next blog post available from 1st March

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?

Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon