There has been a massive campaign to extinguish self –concern in black women/girls in the last three decades, and the campaign has been largely successfully. I see it everyday, mindless, selfless drones of black women all worked up over and rushing around the cares of everyone else, with very little awareness that they have loads and loads of critical concerns that need to be addressed urgently. It’s really very shocking to me when I have to point out to black women, obvious issues that black women should attend to yet are busy turning over rocks to find issues that they can get stuck in to on behalf of others. It feels like pointing out the huge big soot stain across the forehead of a person who has just gazed at a mirror. I remeber a year ago writing to a well known journalist who wrote a lengthy article about supporting black men who are caught in the correction system. Since she decided to write about the correction system as a single gender issue, I wrote her back and asked her if she was aware that black women in the UK are proportionally more likely to be incacerated than any other race or gender (a sizable number as a result of being drug mules). She wrote back waffling about how she does care about black women as well. Oh really, yet even when black women are more likely than black men to be in prison, you still write about the situation as if it is something only black men face. I wouldnt even be suprised if women like her dont even know of this situation with black women/girls, given how occluded the whole picture around black women is. It is really a regime of 'obscure black women's issue so we can serve black men's issues exclusively' isnt it.
Whoever wrote this ‘self concern’ obliterating program that has effectively turned the masses of black women into robots working for others, needs to patent the program and sell it for some good money because it sho nuff is most effective!
And what’s more, among young girls I see this kind of ‘resignation’ to their lot, in fact I actually see black girls upholding their lot of being ignored, unsupported, called names like ugly and black as the way it is/should be.
Am I surprised? Not exactly, given that none of their big sisters gave any indication that the situation was to be resisted, wasnt the way things should be or normal, in fact, by their actions, they gave clear instructions that it was all something we should just go along with, tolerate and not try to protect/shield ourselves from in anyway or indeed move away from, but be trusting and hopeful while experiencing the worst kinds of humiliation and self esteem attacks known to humanity.
This weekend I was walking pass a group of black teenagers in a area densely populated by black people and there was this black lad tightly gripping a white girl from behind while rubbing up against her and two black girls were there making conversation with this girl. I actually heard one of them ask, ‘So you say you live round the block from …..’! Yep, these black girls saw nothing wrong with the situation, and where standing there making small talk as the black lad was all over their white ‘friend’. The picture said it all to me, that these girls had absolutely internalized and normalized their ‘inferiorization’ to the point that they are happy to be in vicinity of black boys behaving foolishly over white/light skin. These black girls still have the mind to fraternize with the perpetrators and the same girls exalted above them.
Am I saying that these black girls should crave lewd acts from black boys? Not at all.
And guess what, we their older sister let this situation happen where our young girls are no longer disgusted with expressions of colorism which get carried out and repeated constantly in their midst, at school, at play, at church (yes I have seen this go on in church under the watchful eyes of supervisors who see these patterns of behaviour and think nothing about it and what it means for black girls). These girls watch and look on at the various expressions of their marginalization and rejection as women.
You can imagine the range of accommodating mantra and philosophies these girls and women have stocked up to enable them put up with the situation, you don’t even want to go there to try to get them back to a reasonable frame of mind and one of self-concern. One black girl said to me that, ‘Black boys are allowed to date wherever they want’. ‘I said to her, ‘And where does that leave you, do you recognize that there is an impact on you and you need to take steps to ensure that their freedom to date does not cost you greatly?’
The worse thing is that there are black women who take it upon themselves to facilitate and defend black men’s choice to date whoever, which is essentially black men’s right to discriminate against them. Black girls call fellow white girls racists for not dating any black boy who demands they do (agreeing with a black mans self serving assessment), instead of saying to themselves. ‘What dog do i have in this fight anyway?' I mean, have you ever come across anything so delusional? I know thousands of black women who go out to bat for footballers when they are on the recieving end of racism yet these men wouldnt even spit on them if they were on fire. At what point will black women stop all these campaigns they get into to 'bring back the love of bm'.
But there are other reasosn why black girls are running into fights that are not theirs and that essentially strengthen the discrimination against themselves (shooting themselves in the foot as always)? Very simply, a desperation to show themselves supportive of black men and also sometimes a need to prove they are not like the rest of jealous black women, or that they are not a 'hater' as was elloquently stated by one of the commentors (more about not wanting to be identified among the hater bunch further down).
Everywhere I go black girls are going about in groups (4-5 girl groups). They seem to be the only less integrated group I see around constantly only with themselves or a few white girls. I think this is a reflection of the wider rejection they feel, so they band together however, black girls who are and have essentially been left to fend for themselves tend to adopt a very scolding and caustic attitude towards the world. I watched a black girl who could have been no more than 14 talking the other day, and you could have thought this was some old woman who had seen and gone through life. She was not only pontificating very loudly and unfeelingly, which seemed to me to be about her mirroring the attitude that might have been adopted towards her by others who are impatient with black girls vulnerability. Also she was talking about hair of all things, and announcing to all and sundry on the bus, that a girl (who she said was trying to run away from being black and ugly) has to deal with it, because she cant run away from her fate! Like I said, she was pontificating and a lot from her statements suggested she was internalizing not challenging the idea of black = ugly and in addition, her uncaring tone suggested a strong element of masochism for black women here represented by the girl who shouldnt/couldn’t run away from being black and ugly! I felt very sad for this generation of black girls.
One of the key reasons why bw are never good allies of each other is that they are so busy trying to prove that they are not with the rest of black women particularly around the issue of being jealous/envious of white women. This singular fear of being lumped into the category of those who are jealous ('haters'), have nappy hair issues, {insert newest accusation against black women} means that constantly black women undercut their own cause and agenda because it becomes more important to not be seen as jealous or having low esteem etc (and you display this by agreeing against your interests or against you understanding of a situation)
An example is, I watched a friend go gaga over her cousin marrying a Filipino woman. Now this young man was the first in his family to become a ‘professional’ in his field and you know as these things just happen, he ends up marrying a Filipina (sarcasm off), anyway I wasn’t expecting my friend to go all warm and mushy over the fact or even reveal it in the first place, but she made it seem like such a ‘progressive’ thing that he had done. Hmmm, you want me to believe that a black woman in the west has not deciphered that this situation is definitely not about black men being progressive in their choices.
This running away from other black women to not share their labels, is indeed an indication of the circumstance of black women, and that their collective situation has become so bad that each one is trying to put a distance between herself and the general ‘lot’ of black women, particularly the jealousy bit. Many black women are so bent on proving they are unfazed by the obvious white female preference (in real life not on the net) that they will deny a very clear case and evidence of such, and broadside other ‘sisters’ in a discussion about the phenomenon just to prove how ok with it all they are.
Yes in a bid to prove, ‘I am not like those other black women who have an issue with black men marrying others’ (particularly when they acquire some economic status), my freind went all gushy and kept repeating the fact that he had married a Filipina! Truth is that she didn’t even need to mention that bit of information apart from the fact that she was ‘performing’ and trying to distinguish herself from the close minded black women out there. Here she was agreeing with liberal definitions of progressive activities when we all know that interracial dating among these groups of men is anything but about applying the principles of progressiveness.
I hear Oprah has done something similar re the recent Good Hair Bad Hair mock-umentary (thanks faith), by Chris Rock. I might be wrong here and have got the wrong end of the stick (and am willing to retract the following) but it was reported that she tried to separate herself out from the weave wearing/non follicle growing members of black womanhood, by asking that her someone feel her hair to prove it to be the real deal.
I am not surprised one bit, about the separation antics being displayed among black women. As long as black women’s situation remains pitiful and something to mock and laugh at, black women will continue to scramble to get away from the rest of the black female collective even if they have to 'grenade' the rest to get away!
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24 comments:
Concerning Oprah,it was Chris Rock that run his hand through her hair. It was Chris who was acting the fool, he just couldn't believe that it was Oprah's actually hair. With her hair being that long I guess he thought it had to be a weave.
I really enjoyed your insight on this issue. It's easy to turn a blind eye to these things and believe that you are unaffected, but the reality is all black women get affected whether they choose to show it or not. The worst part is that most of us, myself included, internalize these messages that are being signaled to us daily and are for the most part the very agent of destruction in our lives. We make choices to please others and forget about our selves in the process. I am just happy that there are so many BWE bloggers out there and they are all making a difference for us and the next generation. Keep it up.
Regarding black women who separate themselves from others -
In the blogosphere, at least, I'm beginning to notice a "we all must think exactly alike even though we say we don't" mentality. Specifically, blogs where someone who disagrees and states her position (rather than one who engages in personal attacks on the blog host or commenters) is pounced on immediately - either as a troll or one with nefarious motives. The poster is treated no differently than a legitimate troll, in many ways. Makes me wonder if, at least online, it makes women want to separate themselves even when they agree on the fundamental principle of increased quality of life for black women and girls.
Of course, in real life, the phenomena seems to be the opposite - in order not to seem anti-black, anti-progressive, bitter, angry etc, women separate themselves from other black women who call a spade a spade. And sure enough, any woman who is clear-eyed about the situation is either shot down or given a strong side-eye. I've allowed myself to be silenced on occasion before, but I'm learning to plant seeds with individual women rather than engage a group (groupthink is a lot stronger than people would like to admit).
Very insightful post, Halima!
I, for one, am tired of feeling that I must cheer BM on as they revere non-black women or lighter/euro-looking BW at my expense. The way BM treat me in comparison to my lighter skinned girlfriend when we are out together can be outrageous at times. On several occasions a BM has pulled me to the side to remark about how beautiful they think she is. I’m like “OK, why are you telling ME this? Am I supposed to do the jig now? Play matchmaker?”
A BM family friend of mine is married to this stuck up white woman. He parades her around like the entire family is supposed to roll out the red carpet for her. Sadly, many of my relatives do. I am nice to whomever is nice to me, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to go out of my way to ingratiate some annoying white woman just to prove I’m not a “hater.”
Because I refuse to play the mammy/side kick role, I supposedly have an “attitude.”
thank you for mentioning Oprah and her trifling behind. i have always been a fan of oprah but she clearly was doing what you mentioned in your essay. when she read the letter and spoke to a black woman who had a problem with the mockumentary, oprah decided that she was going to set herself apart from those "small-minded' black women that did not get that it was just a joke or comedy. i've always been a fan of oprah until that show.
daphne you raised a key broader issue about the work of bwe empowernment and the silencing that can go on to dissenting voices.
then again you have pointed out that opposing voices need to be respectful. a lot of bw who raise opposing voices actually come from an belief in their own moral superiority over the lost souls that are BWE bloggers, and this tone is quite evident in how they say what they say including the name calling and insults. I believe this is a key reason why they are shut out or ganged up on; they feel they are 'the good black women', to us the poor misguided BWE. Also a lot of their arguments are still being gleaned from the 'black women as race savers etc' handbook. lets face it, they still are very much about black male protectionism (ie dont bash bm), saving all people, 'black love'(without the necessary male participation), all things that we have come to realise is fasle and disempowering to black women. The result is that those of us who have seen the light, are not really going to be receptive to what they have to say.
Thank You, Halima! I just had to co-sign the comments that you made at 1:45pm. A lot of these people are called trolls because they are not truly committed to putting black women and their interests first. They are only committed to black women as a component of their larger commitment to "black unity", "black love", "black power", etc. Therefore, the interests of black women are always secondary.
Halima, it's easier to go along with the herd than it is to do your own thing. That's how I see the situation.
I think many BM protectionists know what's up, they just choose to be in denial about what's happening. It's too scary for some BW to contemplate that the 'Black community' doesn't truly exist.
It would mean that more BW would have to start thinking for themselves and be individualistic in their thinking.
And then Halima, there is a category of bw like me. I no longer believe at all in "black unity" or "black folks gotta stick together" and all of that jazz because I know that without a culture, that's magical thinking. Therefore, there is a category of bw (albeit small)like me who are truly post-bm. I don't care who bm are with as long as they're not draining any kind of resources (money, support, protection, etc.) from bw or mistreating bw. AA men, in general, have proven to be of NO VALUE to AA women. There are exceptions, but exceptions don't prove rules.
I don't believe that the majority of AA men are suitable, compatible or Quality mates for AA women any longer. The women and men have diverged too much. I think it's far better for many AA women to be alone than to be with typical, incompatible, zombie-like AA males. So when I see a typical AA man with a non-black woman, I don't see that as a negative. He's with that woman, and so are his issues. It's better that she will have to deal with those issues than a bw.
The bottom line is that he's of NO Value to an AA woman, so why would an AA woman care about anyone who is of no value to her?
The situation may be different in Britain. I can't imagine that bm in the UK could have become as ineffective to bw as the typical AA man in the USA is. IMO, the typical AA man at practically any socioeconomic level is not on the level of his female counterpart mentally, intellectually, or productively. She tends to be higher. This is not true in all cases, of course, but even when I chat with or observe some of the bw on welfare in the black neighborhood near me (and I do that in order to check them out), their conversation is on a more advanced level than their male counterpart who I also sometimes chat with. The women are also generally more productive and in more positive ways.
Bw in general must really become post-bm, so in a twisted way, bm are doing bw a big favor. Now that bw KNOW that bm don't want them, the women are going to be FORCED to adapt to changed conditions and this is a good thing because if we're honest about it, the vast majority of bm in the West will not be in any position to provide and protect bw and children--at least, not at any foreseeable time in the future.
So those black girls may not be feeling anything about those black guys with white females instead of them. And I think it's a good thing the bm is with someone else because they will not be impregnating the black girls or mistreating them. IMO, not getting male attention is much better than getting used and abused by a male.
So, I think bw should just write bm in general off, and those black girls are being FORCED to write off black males.
Yes, there is a SMALL percentage of decent, evolved, Quality bm who are choosing women on the basis of quality vs skin shade. They will find a way to prove themselves to bw. But they are so few until they are unable to be of significant value to bw at this point.
I'd like for each bw reading this to engage in CRITICAL thinking about this issue of seemingly pining for bm. Why are bm worth anything to you? I'd truly like to know. Maybe something has escaped my notice.
So, as I said, as long as he's not draining resources and mistreating bw, I don't care what he does.
I'm chiming in to co-sign everything Evia stated 100%.
A growing number of BW are simply moving on, or were never into BM only (or BM period for that matter) to begin with.
It's long past time for BW to be post the vast majority of BM.
When you start focusing on inner qualities and forget the outer, you honestly don't care what random (or familiar) BM are doing or not doing and with who.
If someone period regardless of "race" is not adding pleasure, value, worth, and substance to your life, why would you even want them to begin with?
Why want dead weight?
That's what BW need to ask themselves.
Judging from the dismal state of many black "communities" these days, the 70% single rate of BW, the over 70% OOW birthrate, high rate of AIDS, poverty, neglect, crime, etc... It's clear that vast numbers of BM have failed miserably at providing BW (and their defenseless black children) love, safety, security, the basics of a civilized living state.
It's a BLESSING to be "rejected" by these DBRBM. It free's one up to be pursued by good, responsible, masculine UN damaged men who are willing to honor a black woman with marriage. Non colorist men who believe in raising their offspring and providing a safe living environment for their families.
Again, when your average BM (who's not adding worth to a BW's life anyway) is with a non BW it's a actually a blessing in disguise.
The good thing is growing numbers of BW are realizing this. When you accept the fact that there is no working "black community" that you owe anything to, you don't feel constrained to limit yourself needlessly to BM.
Then, you open yourself up to the WORLD of men. To the HUMAN race in it's beautiful variety.
And look at QUALITY and QUALITY alone.
DBRBM are obviously of NO quality or importance what so ever, and are often HEALTH hazards to BW.
And deep down many BW already know this.
Basically, it's a good thing in the short term and long term if ANYONE else takes them off of BW's hands.
Quite right lovebug
notice how that when bw complain about their travials around bm and relationships, folks simply brush it aside or continue to urge them to put up with situations that are totally against their well being and sanity.
truly these folks do not see black women as having value beyond the function they perform for the race, indeed they clearly dont see them as having needs and rights that anyone need attend to.
bw are simply an important component in their schemes and plans for the race (and even when affection is expressed towards them as in the term 'queen', it is from the understanding of the role black women play and not an expression of genuine unconditional affection).
To these folks, black women is simply a 'fuse' or a battery that needs to be plugged in and thus complete their black unity project, and when black women become damaged in the process they get simply discarded, just like a fuse indeed!
Something has GOT to be done to save Black girls and women from this sick, disgusting crap! It's tantamount to ethnic cleansing!
Wow alot of commentary. I have been absent for a few months online due to job and personal issues, but I do have a dating story to share. I met this Italian guy back in May at a lock and key singles event. He was the last guy I talked to that evening. He bought me a drink or two.
I do remember getting his email address. He is a Sales/Marketing Manager for a news organization. I can't say online, but it is well known. Fast forward He replied to my email months later to invite me out for a dinner and football game weekend. I said yes and we went out last weekend. He flew into Atlanta from NYC to hang out. We went to a fancy restaurant for dinner and then on to dessert at a hotel bistro. The next day we went to a Falcons game . Falcons beat Chicago!!
I had a wonderful time. Oh by the way look into Lock N Key Singles Events in your area. They have interracial and all black singles events also. I went to the interracial one and got a date. He called me yesterday to tell me he had a good time and may try to return next month for another game weekend. i may not get a boyfriend , but I can get a football buddy. LOL
No Evia, you're wrong. Sorry.
A lot of Black Brits, with the exception of some who are African or who have African parents, mirror all of the negative points of AAs in America and with some Black Brits they mirror some of the positive points of the AAs.
I still see in London loads of young Black British women who are single parents to a black child or hildren, but a lot of black British men, even some African ones, have black and biracial kids up and down the land.
Oy gevault!
a lot of bw who raise opposing voices actually come from an belief in their own moral superiority over the lost souls that are BWE bloggers, and this tone is quite evident in how they say what they say including the name calling and insults.
True. I didn't address this category because, in my mind, they aren't truly for the freedom of black women and girls to have quality lives. They're just towing the party line - part of that contingent of women in the offline world who have infiltrated the blogosphere.
I just wanted to add my two cents.
DBR black man isn't just a US phenomenon. We have them in the Caribbean. It's so well documented that it's part of Caribbean History. Black Caribbean men left the West Indies to study in the UK and came back with white wives. The ones that couldn't get white wives married the non-black women available. In school we had to learn that any benefit gained from educated black men flitted away because they prefered non-black women. Meanwhile in Trinidad (my original country) Indian men who were once indentured laboreres but worked hard and never forgot their women built lasting communities. The financial, medical, and legal sectors are now dominated by Indians both male and female.
The biracial children of the black men-nonblack women pairing often refused to be classified or identified with the black parts of their family. They were encouraged to marry other biracials or whites or other non blacks. These educated black males often had illegitimate kids with black women on the side. These kids tend to grow up to be criminals. The whole thing is a mess. It seems that Black men who have grown up in areas that were colonized have internalized the negative messages. The whole thing is a mess. If you think you have a colorist society then you haven't been to Trinidad.
Anonymous, you tell a tale that is familiar to most of the West Indies. I am originally from Jamaica, and can tell the same story (but include the Chinese along with Indians). Colorism/racism is rife throughout the West Indies and West Indians have taken it with them wherever they have gone (U.K., Canada, US, etc.).
Evia asked "Why are bm worth anything to you? I'd truly like to know. Maybe something has escaped my notice."
No one has actually answered Evia's question. Anyone care to answer Evia's question?
This is a seriously moving post. You are now starting to delve into our hidden demons.
For those of us women who are truly looking for love by expanding our options, we can only TAKE ACTION. You only try to separate yourself from the collective losing lot of black women in romance when you are losing. If we start winning, one marriage at a time, we can take another sister with us. Each one teach one.
the post about the carribean is so sad, pitiful and all too common. lets just call a spade and spade and say it out loud. bm as a group are inferior to other men. even the 'good' ones that let the bad/indifferent ones run around humiliating/damaging their community, they suck too. as bw, we had no choice in choosing the men of our community, but we do have a choice in who we'll mate with. it's just sad that so many bw out their have literally lost their minds and look out for bm before themselves.
all i know is that it seems that for hundreds of years, blacks have been at the bottom of the rung EVERYWHERE, it seems like if a woman really wants to secure her future and those of her offspring, she really needs to look towards non-black men
Yes mary you are right and by the way Halima this is from what you said about Brit BW on Khadija's blog about BW subsidizing Becky indirectly:
Khadija let me clarify, the only 'segment' of UK bw who do not allow their male equivalents to 'outdate' them by that much are the african women. apart from them, the 'other' groups including caribbean women have similar outdating differentials as black women in US. The mixed race group are highly prized by bm so their trends display this advantage.
Let me point out that currently black men have thrown off their restraints totally and you would be hard pressed to spot a bm with a bw unless she is very light or white. This is the condition that your 'cousins' over here are having to deal with so trust me we are under a worst cloud.(you can still see some african couples about). As an example i was in a small church yesterday (say 20 people in all) and out of the three men who appeared to be partnered, two were with ww.
The clear evidence is that bm over here are not even pretending to be interested in bw. And not that we want DBR's and assorted fools to be attached to bw, but the absolute shunning of bw coupled with little signs of bw with other men (commesurate to the extent bm are dating others) leaves bw with a very negative mark against their femininity as you can imagine.
It sometimes is hard to get a finger on the pulse of bw in uk but I think they are as much 'confused' and bambozzled especially by the loud chorus of misdirectors who want bw to blame themselves for the state of affairs. These folks are in charge of whatever black portals are available and have locked out any counter discourse so yes uk bw are under mental siege.
Whoa Halima you HAVE been in the UK for quite a while haven't you? LOL Because you are to observant for your own good! LOL LOL
I grew up in the UK first where I was born and then later grew up in the US, and I returned to the UK in 2005, and I hate to say that after the BEAUTIFUL childhood time I had growing up in London, this whole so-called country they call the UK has really appalled me and disappointed me because of the things that you said above Halima, because all I can say is that you said the whole truth!
I read your blog and although I don't agree with you on everything, I do agree that black girls and women have seemed to accept a sense of inferiority. However, the issues goes deeper than them feeling lower than their white female counterparts, but to society in general. I am from the U.S., but I assure you across the pond young black women face the same obstacles in dating and love of self. But, there is something that you are missing in your analysis. Black women need to empower themselves and yes, look outside of their race to date, have friendship and even find love. The black man to woman ratio is disproportionate in the US and UK just because we are in the minority. Therefore, unless we move back to Africa, the Islands or stay within our black communities we have to teach black women that its okay to date outside of their race, and its none of her concern if black men choose to do the same. This is where we part ways. When you mentioned the young teens hanging out with the interracial couple. It maybe that in this culture its just more widely accepted for kids of different races to hook up. if black girls become obessed with black men dating non blacks then she will not concentrate on herself, her own love life and relationships, whether it be with a black man or anyone else.
This is something that black women in the states are beginning to realize. Also, we have to be realistic. With more black women going to university and working in the corporate world, she is more likely to have non black colleagues. But, the key is for that young woman to know who she is as a black woman and that although she should continue to support her community, that when it comes to her love, life, and marriage its about who she loves and who loves her. The reality is, as you said, its not the black women's job to uplift her brother just for the sake of uplifting if she is not getting anything in return. She needs his love, fidelity, security and honesty in who he is and what he wants for their lives. if he cant offer that, no matter what color he is, then she should not settle for anything, no matter what color he is.
You're right that something happens to black men when they come to the West. I've noticed that phenomenon in England as well.
I came to London seven years ago, it never ceases to amaze me how insecure about themselves black men here are. They make up for their failure in society by latching onto what they think anchors them to white prevelige, the sad things.
What I'm noticing though is black women white guy couples, i can't tell you how many times i come across bm/ww couples do a double take when they see me about with my partner. They act like it belittles what they're trying to do. The black men because I'm supposed to be home pining after them, and the white women because this very handsome white man isn't with one of them, clearly fansies someone she never considered competition.
I've never dated black men, so for the most part don't care who they are attracted to, but i do care when they abandon their black and mixed race kids at a rate no other race of men does.
So yes i do believe that black men are the most inferior of all races.
to everyone posting here, I want to say that this DBR mentality we're discussing is not just black men, not the black/aa men of america, africa, caribbean, england, pakistan, or anywhere else in the world. The problems we are discussing here are CROSS race, ethnicity, culture.
It is a MAN problem PERIOD. It is a symptom of patriarchy, it is a problem stemming from male supremacist societies, and the sooner we admit to that, the better we will be. I'm a black woman married to a white man, whom I love, before anyone jumps on me thinking I'm one of the race bots lol. I'm stating the facts, and the issues bw face with bm they will also potentially face with wm, asian men, hispanic men etc. MEN period are the problem, maleness is a problem which fosters/causes the issues bw run into with bm.
Which is an even greater reason for hetero bw to date/marry interracially. To increase the chances that they meet men who aren't complete assholes the way bm have proven themselvs to be.
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