Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Become side-steppers par excellence

Oh dear, just as soon as I thought I would have a spare moment to begin work on the Facebook page I find myself thrown into a personal time sapping project. For those who have signed up and those who requested for invites, I am on the case, so please be patient with me!

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I tell black women that they have to learn to become side steppers per excellence, this I believe is the primary task which confronts black women today because there are just too many obstacles, traps, plans etc that are laid out ahead of each individual black woman. People want black women to be this or that and there is a 'rig' in the system that helps folks conveyor belt black women towards these designated and appropraite 'places' and roles determined for black womanhood.

You must learn to side-step peoples expectations, their traps, side step the places they have prepared for you to occupy, side step their anger when you dont comply... all the while doing it with a smile on your face pretending you dont see their consternation and incredulity when you dont go the path they feel is the one you are meant to be on.

The modern black woman who will succeed will be a 'secret agent' in pursuit of her interests, and she must carry it all out with stealth ane finesse.

An aside here, I found myself thinking the other day about how black women who boast twice the college degrees of black men and etc are easily manipulated by these same black men who dont have as many degrees and qualifications. These men are able to control many bw who boast of having PHDs and the likes, wow! I was watching this manipulation/control dynamic unfold the other day on a black website, how as soon as a certain black woman began to say things that were essentially 'shooting herself in the foot', all of a sudden she acquired a whole host of black male cheerleaders who suddenly materialized to encourage her in her foot shooting 'enterprise'. I sat there shaking my head with a wry smile.

Have you noticed that black men are in no way confused about where their interests lie! You couldnt even convince a black man who is drunk to change the dynamics of a situation to change to flow against his interest, you cannot convince a black man who is half asleep to work against his direct self interest the way that black women do as a matter of course. Like a heat seeking missle, a black man knows where his interests lies even if hidden under layers of rubble or crisscrossed with a thousand and one options.

Yet faced with the choice of doing something to damage their interests and doing something that would further their inetersts, it is black women who are often scratching their heads wondering which they should take, and that is of course if they are able to distinguish between the two in the first place!

Whenever I see a situation online where a gaggle of black men have gathered to cheer a black woman on, just know that woman has a gun pointed at her foot!

Anyway learn to side step peoples schemes and plans, their machinations, their ideas of where you should be placed as a black woman, what weight you should embrace, what reward for your efforts, essentially the pillars of your identity. You will even get pressured by black women into these appropraite roles for the black woman so in essence you have to learn to do this side-stepping dance with all and everyone.

Take time out to create a picture of who you are and what kind of life you want to lead and your goals for different areas of life, make it as detailed as possible. Over time you can refine this picture of you, afterall we all change and so does our priorities, as we get shaped and changed by life and by encounters with people, places and ideas, however at least you will begin your refining with a clear understanding of what you want for yourself and what you are departing from.

It is important to know yourself before others tell you who you are and as a black woman many such others will want to 'plug' you into their set up, their ideals and their vision of the world. Apparently for many, black women are not and cannot be independent entities with the rights to self-determination. If black women choose to go against what is expected or deemed right for them, it seems to unbalance the 'identity' of a whole host of third parties!

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Anonymous said...

BEWARE of men that tell a BLACK WOMAN ~~~shes a STRONG WOMAN~~~kind of mess...in essence',.what they really mean is that she has it together..Ms I~N~D~E~P~E~N~D~E~N~T....she got her own house etc..theyres another song out there bout a guy who got no job etc..and she responds with ~~take my love its free~~it means that the men can and will use her..and the more degrees she has..the easier to use..they just move in with her (cant stand those songs)

milam command said...


This is from www.m-w.com:
Main Entry: par ex·cel·lence
Pronunciation: 'pär-"ek-s&-'läns
Function: adjective
Etymology: French, literally, by excellence
: being the best of a kind : PREEMINENT "a salesman par excellence"
This form is correct. The term is French and the English adopted it. But it still confuses a lot of English speaking people!


Halima said...

thanks Milam, i felt there was something wrong with the spelling I used but i was too lazy to do a simple google!

Jamila said...

Sometimes black women don't understand that people expect person to come to the bargaining table and look out for their own best interests--that looking out for #1 is actually the expected course of action and a women who is seen not looking out for their own best interest is considered dumb. If I go into a bargaining session and I tell the other side that I'm looking out for their interests at the expense of my own, the other side would think I was stupid. If a woman goes into a relationship and she tells the man up-front that she considers his interests to be more important than her own, he probably will begin to dislike because by not looking out for herself she is showing that she lacks self-respect. And if she doesn't value herself why should he? If you don't value you, you can't expect other people to value you either.

Unfortunately, some black women have accepted the mistaken idea that self-abnegation is attractive in general, when in reality the only people who find a lack of self-interest to be attractive are folks who are looking to exploit you.

Evelyn said...

Co-signing 1000% what Jamila said! Always go for self FIRST, then consider others. Learning it the hard way, but I'm learning!

Renee said...

Halima, I have been following your blog for a short time. Your articles concerning the abuse and manipulation of black women are so refreshing. I am having these same conversations with girlfriends and co-workers. The tide is changing as we become more educated and cut ties with those who choose to remain stagnant. While I do not neccesarily share the same views concering dating, much of what present here is very compelling.

Out of Darkness said...

Hi Halima,

I was wondering if you heard about this issue with this 14 year old black girl videotaped giving her ex-boyfriend oral sex? There were also other boys in the tape watching her give him oral sex. The video has reached all around the world.

there is afacebook page called #AmbersArmy headed by a ww named Anna Belle who is trying to delete all the links to the video. The major leaders of the black community has not come forward in the girls defence at what is evidently a mass distribution of child pornography. The video has been taken to the police.