Monday, November 03, 2014

Do you feel like you are outside the relationship know-how loop?

What do you know about how men and women get together in your local area or your society as a whole. In the USA or UK or France but also in Wisconsin, San Francisco, Perth. In many a western country its a closed and stitched up loop from a very early stage. That is to say that men from good families and worthwhile men are usually stitched up by school age, in other words the network from which they will find a bride has already been formed by late teens. I am not saying that these men will be married by teens or twenties only that the networks from which they are likely to pick partners has mostly been formed by then. Men and women meet at college or through the extended networks of friends made at college or their friends and networks (once or twice removed). So no matter who they end up you are likely to see it drawn from this broad ingroup. By the age of 30 it seems almost like a closed loop to the outsider, yet marriage break downs, death occurs, life takes people in various directions. In addition luminous out group people (cultural creators) can gain entry into these closed and exclusive groups or gaps open up at points in these closed circles admitting anyone in especially anyone who recognises what and where the gaps are (So that answers one question of how to break into the loop of already established social circles).

What are the prevailing Zeitgeists that will aid your breaking into exclusive circles? A certain change in political atmosphere for instance could mean there is now a market for black conservatives for instance...

Also think about the members of these circles and what they could want in terms of adventure, and variety etc after all their well-ordered socially fenced off life might no longer provide them with the inspiration and excitement they seek out of life. Indeed even while others fully embrace life within the circle, some men want something different to what they are surrounded by and the predetermined path.

Philosophies of relating

What are the dominant philosophies that drive relationship formation in your area/society that could hold sway or even aid your search. In the Western world many minorities are seen as the downtrodden or the done wrong by the big bad westerner. For many of us this condescending attitude might provide us our foot into powerful social circles, and while some black women and men are happy to play and replay this role, it is not everyone’s cup of tea especially if at the end you cannot live up to a fantasy creation and play the part of the aggrieved minority on demand because you don’t feel in anyway oppressed.

There are certain philosophies that have a huge impact on how the dating game is played for instance in many parts of the western world the drive to take out all the guess work in men and women coming together, even to flatten male and female differences (This one is big when it comes to 'the approach') means that women are now expected to be as up and doing for the relationship to happen and in visible ways as men. A dominant school of thought out there suggests that we should no longer adhere to male female gender roles in getting together, thus there is way more relaxed attitude to women initiating a date with a man (after all women are liberated and say what they want and if they are not saying to men then they don't want).  
There are those who argue that rules of modern feminism have and seek to burst the gender-tensions that made for more exciting romantic interactions between men and women. Traditionalist women are having a hard time in this current state of affairs. For instance they complain that men make compliments and hint at a date or relationship (a role traditionally played by women) waiting for the woman herself to make the move or close the deal (a role traditionally reserved for men). As a single woman how do you survive and thrive under this new relationship regime. Can you deal? If not what is your strategy for getting what you want in a society in which these new rules hold sway?

Next post available 16th Nov 2014

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1 comment:

Segolene Tallisman said...

Well, it is not working for me. My friends keep telling me I need to ask, I act too cool, a man can't tell I'm interested,blah,blah, but I'm 55. I look younger maybe that's the problem. Are men in their 50's using this new gender role model also?
I have asked men out on dates, and there are some men I am interested in who I know are waiting for me to make a move.
But that doesn't seem to work for me. It seems that men who want to be married make the first move.
I just can't help feeling that man who doesn't take SOME kind of initiative has bigger problems.