Sisters, you need to be aware that concerted efforts are being made to confuse your instinct and your good judgement on a range of issues, so that you can be got for cheap!
Someone wrote in recently sneering at some sisters here for being worried about their advancing age and needing to secure themselves a relationship before it was too late. She said the tone of the blog was desperate and implied that this was an unnatural, and shamimg response.
Now my first thought towards her entry was, “Oh dear, I really don’t want us to appear desperate”, however I had a thought override, and I said to myself, “Why shouldn’t I be concerned if I am forty and haven’t married and had children (when this is what I have always wanted), why am I and we bw being made to feel that our anxiety is an unnatural reaction that needs to be 'suppressed'. I have a cousin who turns forty next month and she has real anxieties in this regard, why is her concern and that of women like her being scoffed at? Indeed, every other woman on earth would be understood for worrying at 40 and any action taken at this point (and at 70% singleness!) would be granted them, but not black women, because perhaps we are not human beings with blood in their veins; we are robots, we must be stoic and unruffled. And so our natural, normal healthy responses are denied us. Thank goodness another sister echoed my internal thinking and responded:
If a woman is 42 and she wants to have a family and has been unsuccessful so far doing what she has been doing, what is wrong with her changing her approach to get what she wants? What is wrong with that? People have gotten married for far less noble reasons than to have a husband and family.
You see, some sisters are emancipating themselves from the manipulations of those in the community that want to make us too strong for our own good! Folks want us to question ourselves for having normal reactions to situations and feel these are unnatural or disproportionate, and our legitimate and healthy wants, needs and desires ( which are not in anyway dissimilar to that displayed by women all over the world) are an aberration. I mentioned in the anniversary post that bw are beginning to be 'psychologically prepared' to take further cuts in the area of relatinships. Doctines are being 'spun' to get us to normalise and be more accepting of all sorts of dysfunctions and worsening situations with bm, because this is the only way the black community responds to bw needs; by getting them to endure more rather than unyoke them from the unfair demands of community servitude at this point, and giving them their blessing to find happiness.
Note their reactions:
70% singleness? "So what, the Sheroro tribe of north eastern Timbucktu has 76% singleness!" (in other words, why are you making a big deal of nothing)
“What! you want a man who went to college like you! Girl you are way too superficial, what’s up with that?
Or you say you find George Clooney attractive and they say “Ewwww” ie you seeing a white guy as attractive is somewhat unnatural! On this last point alone, many of you have stories to tell on how your sanity was questioned because you found a wm who was obviously and clearly good looking, attractive!
These types of reactions recalibrate our normal instincts and confuses our internal compass as bw, and this can be as dangerous as removing a human beings natural pain receptors and thus impairing their ability to detect when we are seriously injured. So many sisters have had their internal wires confused that their initially healthy logic becomes warped. Thats why to some sisters a busted man is ‘still worth consideration’, an abuser, is not written off, and a trifling man who announces his approach with bells and whistles still is taken in.
Notice how some folks reactions never matches the urgency of your situation. When you cried about reaching 35 with no immediate prospects, they tried to make you feel ashamed to be rightly concerned about your situation and feel you were not a 'woman of faith'. 70% singleness in the community, they shrug shoulders and tell you to pass the salt. Your head is bleeding from an assault, they respond as if you had arrived to chat about the weather. Worse still, you were raped and they found a way to bring it back to it being your fault. Indeed I sometimes fear for where sisters go for help because many times, folks will give you advice not to rescue you, but to reinforce you take more 'punches' or stay hanging on to some unrealistic dream, because paramount to them is not your well-being, but you staying in the place mapped out for you e.g. within your race or by the side of a bm no matter how abusive.
Why does the community play mind games with bw in this way? Clearly it makes bw more ‘useable’ and makes them put up with things they shouldn’t and wouldn’t in their right minds. It all comes right back to the same ‘mammy’ issue and how the society knows that it can ‘trap’ bw in eternal servitude by confusing their internal compasses and reprogramming their healthy expectations. BW end up not even taking their health and well-being into consideration because it is reprogrammed to be selfishness!
Your instincts and wits are so important in life like you will never believe! It helps you to make the right choices and the right decisions for you, but when your compass is confused, you become a prey for misusers. The worst thing is that at the end of the day, the same community will reprimand bw or laugh at bw for making faulty judgements, yet someone was there urging them against their good judgements in the first place! How many of you have not heard of how bw are blamed for ‘opening their legs’ to a trifling bm, but guess who was telling them never to look at the other options they had, therefore increasing the likelihood of Mr trifling becoming a strong contender!
Right now, many black folk are trying to force bw into silence by shaming them as being weak for expressing their fears about their dating prospects, they say, “How can you bw be so insecure/display your insecurity to the world.” And some of us are falling for it, we don’t want to speak up about issues that would make us appear less like the strong, 'together' bw we are told we should always be. However we bw should never penalise ourselves for displaying human emotions and reactions of which include insecurities and fears. Indeed why is it unnatural for us as bw to have self doubts, when we live in a society that tries its hardest to bring us down. I challenge anybody to explain to me how they expect bw can be so 'together' about everything. By owning up to our fears and insecurities we actually set ourselves on the path to overcoming!