Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Interracial Dating 101: the Basics

Do black women consider all men as possible mates?
With regards dating and relationships most black women don’t start out favouring all men equally, as being possible partners. In other words, black women do not start from a point, ‘Any man will do be they black, white or other’, the average black woman ONLY sees black men as ‘the’ relationship option for black women.

How do black women then get into the idea of ‘other men’?
Black women see black men as the only option till such a point as they experience an ‘awakening’ to the idea that other men and white men in particular can serve.

So why are black women so strongly bound to this idea that it has to be a black man?
This is a very complex and layered situation which I will try to simplify as much as possible. The first layer is the normalcy of dating black; black women date black men, that’s what they do, this is seen as standard and logical. Upon this layer of normalcy is deliberately built a political one.

It is important to realise that the historical and present reality of being black in this society has given rise to a strong and widely held doctrine of black resistance with resulting rules for black preservation and upliftment. The black resistance doctrine is unwritten and complex, it has behaviour codes particularly for those areas seen as key to black continuity (read more about this doctrine in the IR Dating E-Book).

How does it discourage interracial dating?
One of the core elements of the doctrine of resistance is its anti-interracial relationships stance and to sustain this idea, there is a reversal on white superiority, thus black men are built up while white men are diminished and made unappealing. This is a very key point.

Discouragement also comes from the fact that black woman who marry white are targeted for denouncement within this doctrine, and some very distasteful and a serious accusation are levelled against her including the fact that she hates her blackness, is a mercenary etc.

Scare tactics do indeed form part of the ways of 'corralling' black women. Because the preservation of blackness (and at all costs), is central to the ‘resistance doctrine', it is ok to play on black women’s fears and insecurities for instance those about their wider feminine appeal, to ensure that white men continue to ‘not’ be an option.

And how do black women respond to this ‘resistance’ doctrine?
Well black women are actually reared to take it to heart, to take hold of the rules and feel it is their moral duty to abide by them and thus prove their devotion and love for their community. They become strongly emotionally bound to this philosophy and feel compelled to be ‘good soldiers’ of their race particularly in the face of a black male slack or lack of commitment to these same goals. Some black women say to themselves, “If I just keep faith and keep believing, it will happen.” It gets to a point where they do not see an equal participation of black men as critical to the realisation of black goals as spelt out by the resistance doctrine.

The power of the community doctrine over an individual has a lot to do with ones upbringing. If you were raised in the tenets of ‘black Resistance’ or have come to cleave to it as a sacred article of the black group, it is very likely that the right strings can be pulled to get you reacting as you are meant to. This is why
African women are less likely to cleave to and believe in seperation from whites than African American women, because they are not reared in nor do they operate within such resistance doctrines.

What else puts a barrier up to interracial dating?
We have the hostility coming the other way that is from the the wider community. Black women believe they are not accepted and will be treated negatively by whites and white men. They have real fears and doubts which are reinforced by their experiences with white people, and with all the negative messages about black females beauty and femininity floating around.

However even if there were no doctrines to influence black women’s decisions, we still have segregation (and the resulting unfamiliarity with white men), as a structural block to interracial awakening.

Why are black women dependent on their community so?
In a world that is hostile to black people, they turn to their community for succour, acceptance and understanding. It can be a very scary thought that you might loose all of this backup, because of your choices and have no where else to turn to.

In recent years black women are waking up to the fact that their communities have turned out to be rather dangerous for them as black women and they work and toil for a community with deep rooted sexism and for little or no rewards. Thus some black women believe the black community is a myth.

I will pick up and expand on an aspect of the 'resistance' doctrine because it is important to really breakdown what really secures black women 'away' from interracial dating and thus the nature of the solution.

Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)


Inter Racial Dating said...

This is a really good read for me, Must admit that you are one of the best bloggers I ever saw.Thanks for posting this informative article.

Antoinette Williams said...

I try to date interracially, but if they are not taken by someone else, they aren’t serious. When I try to express just my interests to both my white and black friends, there is a silence of disapproval. Their feelings of the white culture come out, and I’m sure the feelings of the black culture comes out once I’m out of the room. I even get this from my friends who ACTUALLY date interracially. It’s all very isolating. In another respect, however, I now have an entire pool of men availible to me, even if it’s just to look at. Plus, I no longer feel I have to be subjected to the limitations of black men, which in my opinion, is an attitude of “if you want a man, you better take what little I’m willing to offer.” or “you can’t do any better than this, so just be happy.” If nothing else, I feel like I have some options and the day will come when this form of dating will also be readily accepted.