Monday, May 19, 2008

Interracial Dating 101: Clarification

So what then causes the ‘awakening’ to the idea of dating other men?
Because a majority of black women are focussed on black men exclusively for relationships, they hardly ever realise the other options till something causes them to reassess this total focus on black men. The likely catalyst is disillusionment, disappointment or plain insufficiency in numbers of this primary dating focus i.e. black men. I term this process, ‘Going through black men to get to white.’ Many black women for instance wake up to the idea of other men after years of singleness and having no black male prospects insight. Some women awaken to other men, after one too many heartbreaks dating black men.

Isn’t it wrong to seek out white because you have problems with black?
I don’t think a judgement call is necessary here, this is simply the way many black women come to the idea of dating other men and as such, an acknowledgment of the reality of black women. If we however want to look at the cause, it is clear that it has a lot to do with social programming within their communtities.

Black women are raised to think 'only black men' when thinking relationships, and so it is only when they experience real problems here, that it comes to their minds to try other men. It’s like a child that suddenly discovers other things to play with after the wheel falls off its favourite toy truck.

Some black women are uncomfortable admitting that this is how the majority of black women come into the idea of interracial dating. They would rather promote the idea that being open from the start, is the only valid way to do interracial relationships and any other way will deeply flaw the resulting interracial union. This point of view seems reluctant to take into consideration what the reality of black women really is and offers elitist criteria for interracial dating.

Not only this, it is all unproven armchair psychobabble, that a disappointment caused awakening dooms any subsequent interracial relationship.

Not all black women come to interracial dating from a disappointment awakening, however it is safe to say that the majority of black women in the west do not grow up with a neutral race doctrine or a background that allows them to freely and confidently give all men an equal consideration. As black women we have been under strong and skilful directives of our community and indeed the whole society, to comply with a 'make it only black men' edict.

But doesn’t this mean that white men are the second choice?
Not exactly, there are black women who on the contrary, end up thinking that white men are the best, having compared their experiences with black men to that with white. Whether you see white men as second best or not, has little to do with the fact that the catalyst to your awakening was that you didn’t get a black man. This is just the pathway that brought you to a point were you reassessed your ‘only a black man’ paradigm, nothing more.

If a woman has a ‘white man is second best’ belief, this is likely to do with how strongly she adheres to the notion of black men = ideal. And this brings us back to the ‘Resistance Doctrine’ and the fact that this view is strongly contain in this doctrine.

When black women cleave strongly to certain Resistance Doctrine precept like, 'No man can love a black woman like a black man', or believe that it is a sacred duty to marry a black man and thus preserve the race, she is likely to view her relationships with white men as the second best option. Indeed if she manages to date interracially it might be for purely expedient reasons and a way of meeting relationship goals that she cannot find a black man to fulfil.

So and in summary, the fact that you have opened up to interracial dating from want, disillusion or disappointment doesn’t mean white men will be a second best option for you. This view is strongly correlated with the depth of your belief in aspects of the Resistance Doctrine that says so.

Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book

Send your questions to (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

1 comment:

pheromone cologne said...

I agree that many black women for instance wake up to the idea of other men after years of singleness and having no black male prospects insight. Will certainly visit your site more often now.