Thursday, January 08, 2009

Interracial Blogger's Key Assumptions (Part 1)

We shall be exploring in the coming days and weeks, the key assumptions around which a core group of us 'relationship activists' (often called IR bloggers) base our work. This is to enable a greater understanding and better clarity of why we choose to frame our discussions, articles and even our on-the-ground work, the way we do. This is also that we all know what our position is regarding a range of issues as opposed to what others project onto us or say is our position. Hopefully those who do not share some of these core views can also begin to have a clear idea how they deviate and streghten their own perspective.

Key assumptions include:

• We do not lump all interracial dating together. We regard black male interracial dating as distinctly different in character from black female interracial dating and recognise that black male interracial dating has historically born the hallmarks of being founded upon a rejection of and discrimination against black women.

We recognise the different motivations of black male interracial dating and that of black female interracial dating. We recognise that black female interracial dating is often driven by the unavailability of black male partners(traditional dating pool) , a situation which interracial dating among black men contributes to. This means that black women’s interracial choices are not a direct rejection of black males as can be argued in the case of black men, whose motivations cannot be linked to unavailability of black female partners, yet whose interracial dating rates are higher than black females.

One of the key reasons why we do not promote all interracial relationships or create a space for all interracial dating, is that we recognise that some interracial relationship combinations are based upon notions that denigrate black women. We recognise the social context and climate within which interracial choices are made and are not ignorant of the fact that in a society that builds up white feminity and demotes black feminity, choices to date interracially are often made to exclude black women.

While we recognise that there are many general interracial dating sites promoting an idea of interracial relationships as progressive and rising above societal racism and prejudice, we see this as a very idealistic view of interracial dating and their underlying motivations. The reality is that we preserve and promote black women's choices within a climate that seeks to denigrate and deny them, and this shapes the tone, vigour and bias of our work.

Black women often feel that they cannot legitimately support interracial dating for black women without supporting interracial dating for black men however, we are of a different view. We believe that black men have a right to date who they wish but we do not feel any urge to embrace or be generous towards any interracial choices that are founded upon a rejection, and denigration of black women.


• We believe in propagating the message of black women availing themselves of all their dating options, and in particular the interracial dating options, and in particular their opportunities with white men who constitute the largest group of available men in the West. We do not believe that black women automatically slide into interracial dating and thus there is no need for setting up blogs or having discussions on the interracial option. We do not believe that simplistic notions about dating like ‘love has no color’, or ‘you love who you love’ etc, capture or speak to the realities and context within which black women make their dating and relationship choice.

We believe that black women are both socialised against, socially restrained from and directed away from taking up their ‘full dating options’, in various ways and throughout their lives. We believe that black women must be communicated the truth about broadening their options of men particularly at a time and point when it has becomes expedient to do so. We also realise that black women are on the receiving end of deliberate misguidance around relationships and misdirection about critical issues that impact their in-group dating opportuntities. This is done sometimes deliberately but also is a traditional pattern of ushering black women towards community approved mate choices. So we communicate the advantages of ‘full options dating’ and we also expose the deliberate deceptions about the sufficiency of in-group dating alone, we also challenge the blind behaviour patterns and unquestioned acceptance and belief of rules, regulations and social mores that are issued to black women from their group, and which results in their deepening disadvantage on the dating and marriage market.

To be Continued…..

Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

22 comments:

Pamela said...

Great post. I would call this part 1 of the anatomy of BW IR. It is a lot more complicated than people realize, especially many bw, because unless they find alternative media most will not even dare to challenge where they find themselves.

Anonymous said...

Halima,

Bravo!!Bravo! The clarity in which you speak has profoundly moved me. Thank you for telling,"Our Truth". Your Blog is Brillant! I am so grateful that BW like you are helping other BW to empower themselves. Thank for addressing this issue deadon and with trememdous courage. The Truth sets Us Free! There is an Abundant Universe Out There and BW can choose to stay in a place of lack or scarity or to embrace The Endless Good-Love, Joy, Peace, & Prosperity that does exist. Thank you for helping us to embrace Love in this wonderful Global Village! Thank You for helping US to Heal Our Lives!
Blessings, Martine.

Felicia said...

EXCELLENT Halima!

BRAVO.

A lot of thought, love, and care went into this piece and it shows.

Sandra77 said...

Halima, this post is a manifesto! Thank you. Your blogreaders can print this post and give copies to our black female friends who need to hear this message, but who might otherwise not take the time to read this blog, Evia's blog, etc. in detail. This is BFIR dating 101.

Anonymous said...

Girl

Good for you. Personally I was in the trenches talking to hard headed black women. It is an uphill battle. Many are scared and tired. Also they don't know they even have dating options.I know from experience that bw do not want to date outside of their race. I chose to live well and travel this year. I am planning two trips now to Seattle and Buenos Aires.
Also if I were some of you, I would not waste too much time on this ir crusade to save bw from themselves. You need to focus on yourselves. Every black woman for herself.

The Oracle said...

Also if I were some of you, I would not waste too much time on this ir crusade to save bw from themselves. You need to focus on yourselves. Every black woman for herself


___________________

I hate to say it, but I agree with you. It says alot about a group of women who have to be convinced to do something as natural as look for love, and companionship =| I come to the realization that if the majority of bw want to stay stuck on stupid and remain loyal to a group of men who can give less than a damn about them then GOD bless 'em.

These types of bw are usually SUPER mammified and difficult to deal with; they'd probably make a non-black man's life hell anyway. Its best this demographic stick with dbrbm or be lonely. I think they'd burn down our "dating" bridges so to speak; so be careful what you with for lol

Personally I came to these blogs already knowing what time it was. For me it was bm's ACTIONS that what woke me up and made me realize that if I EVER what to get married (some time this century) to a man who was well-to-do and successful I needed to expand my options. PERIOD. No one had to tell me this. It was just common sense.

Smart, critical thinking bw will or do realize that's what it boils down to and will do WHATEVER it takes to surround herself with quality (see non-black) men.

Pamela said...

The Oracle, I'm sure one reason why the comments are moderated because of some militant bw that have challenged her about this. I also agree that common sense screams that options must be expanded for those that have decide to marry.

You do have a group of people in general that tend to get their kicks in being the sacrifice for other people. This group will not listen to anything other than the perverted mercy mindset that they operate under. They refuse to see that their behavior is doing the opposite of what they are hoping to see, that is, it is causing the person to have no motivation to change their behavior. In most cases only when they are stepped on for the 1000th time with no appreciation shown do they come to their senses. The sad thing about bw being like this with bm is that one of the goodies they have convinced themselves they will get is the bm they are attempting to rescue.

As a pattern no matter the context I refuse to rescue another grown person. The only time I will get in that mode with a person is if they are in a health situation where caregiving is needed. I did that with my Dad the last few years of his life. There may also be situations where you are dealing with a person that is mentally ill that needs assistance. Other than that a grown person needs to take responsibility for their actions. If they are not willing to care about the direction of their lives to make changes, why should I waste a moment with them?

If a man is not interested in me than he is not a potential mate. I will not waste my time trying to convince him to be interested. I don't want a man that I can manipulate like that. I don't really have his heart. I am at the age where most women panic. However I am not in a panic. I just refuse to date men that are not ready to be husbands. It is apparant to me that many bm are not wanting to be husbands in general and in many cases only exclude bw in their choices. The quicker bw realize this the better off they will be.

Sad to say I think The Oracle is right. Many will not take heed and waste their lives. That is their choice. However some gals, especially the younger ones, are getting a clue. Blogs are a perfect avenue to reach those that are open. This is a hard thing for gals my age to get out of if they haven't already. I was never one that believe 'only a bm'. However I knew gals when I was younger that were. A good number of them have changed over the years. Many have not. I do not bother with that issue with them.

the oracle (dont feel like signing in) said...

Oh my, sorry for all those typos

Anonymous said...

Some black women are saying that more black women must date/marry "out" because of the scarcity of QUALITY black men. Based on a discussion I had once with several white men about this, some of them see this as looking at them as "leftovers".

Let me explain. The white men said that it looked to them like the black women came to them ONLY BECAUSE they were disssatisfied with black men. Can you see how a white man selected by a black woman for this reason might see himself as a "leftover"? I assume a white man interested in a black woman wants to be her FIRST choice. Not the fall back guy she turns to because she's frustrated with black men.

In summing up, why can't black women who date/marry white men just say "I like white men" or "I want a white man"? Why do they need to "blame" black male inadequacy for their choice to date/marry white men? This makes some white guys feel like leftovers. What say you?

Miss Pinky said...

"In summing up, why can't black women who date/marry white men just say "I like white men" or "I want a white man"? Why do they need to "blame" black male inadequacy for their choice to date/marry white men? This makes some white guys feel like leftovers. What say you?"
______________________________________

No offense, but did you NOT read Halima's post ? All the answers to your question are there.

I will just say, if WM (A) and BW (B) are happy and the relationship is mutually beneficial, does the road taken to find one another really matter ? In my world, no it does not.

I get soooooo tired of this argument.

arthur said...

.. Why do they .. "blame" black male inadequacy for their choice to date/marry white men? This makes some white guys feel like leftovers...

That's not the wm attitude at all. If a typical wm is interested in a certain bw, what he cares about is being able to talk to her, date her, do his best to win her. He could care less why she will talk to him now, when 20 years ago no bw would. What matters to a wm is that the door is open; not why it was closed before.

This is kind of like the 'colorism' issue I see talked about on these blogs, how lighter shades of skin and straighter hair can mean higher status in the bc ... a wm either doesn't care about skin or hair, or will tend to prefer darker skin and natural hair.

And being vetted, like Halima is always recommending, is not something a wm will mind; wm expect that a woman wants to know if he can provide, at least be the main provider. He will often start volunteering information about his work, if he owns a house, etc, to a woman he is interested in.

I've wandered off the exact question, and I know the regular posters know these things, but I want to say to everyone reading that wm see things their own way, which is not always what a bw may be used to.

Khadija said...

Hello there, Halima!

You said, "We believe that black men have a right to date who they wish but we do not feel any urge to embrace or be generous towards any interracial choices that are founded upon a rejection, and denigration of black women."

AMEN! I'm so happy you pointed out that not all IR-dating has the same motivations. Nor do they have the same context in terms of availability versus self-hating, active rejection.

You said, " We also realise that black women are on the receiving end of deliberate misguidance around relationships and misdirection about critical issues that impact their in-group dating opportuntities."

Yes. This is why I'm so pleased to see more and more BW speaking the truth OUT LOUD. Many of us always knew the truth about these matters, but only whispered about it. Those days are over.

Excellent post, as always. Keep up the great work!

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

ZooPath said...

Yes, not everyone dates out for the same reason. Don't believe the hype. Take your business where it's appreciated.

Anonymous said...

BEAUTIFUL words Halima! The Black female's manifesto, right there for any sista to see!

I can understand some of you getting frustrated with trying to help our sistas who are unfortunately still stuck on those Black men who do not give a damn about them, but at the same time, I think SOMEONE has to help them. These women are victims, they were not born this way, nor did they ask to be put in the horrible position of being in a race that hates and rejects it's own females. I hate to think that they are stuck to live lives of lonely miserable pain after being betrayed, hoodwinked, and manipulated in the ugliest of manners for something that is no fault of their own.

Lena said...

I feel like a moron now. I remember back in the fifth grade a white boy shown interest in me and my dumb little self declared the love of black men only. Now that I see how black women are denigrated all over the media and declared unloveable by black men and western media I feel like a fool for turning down that white boy(I don't know his name and I was a little girl back then).

I was always fascinated with dating white men because I had crushes on many who were old enough to be my father.

Brad R. Torgersen said...

I'm a WM and I certainly never felt like a "leftover", even though my BW wife had previously had some pretty poor experiences dating and being with BM before I met her.

I feel our relationship evolved in a perfectly organic fashion -- we were partners and friends on a creative project, before we ever became romantic. When I listen to her discuss her dissatisfaction with BM and her gladness that we're together I do not detect in the slightest any sort of "leftoverism," to coin a phrase.

Besides, my wife says pickings are slim all over. Based on the plight I've seen some of her WW friends stuck in, I'd say that it's not just BW who are desperately seeking Quality. There's a whole lotta WW who are doing the same.

What this tells me is that AA men and White men are really, really falling down on the job all over the place. And it's a damned shame.

Anyway, great blog. Illuminating. I've been in my IR with my IRW wife for the better part of two decades, and it's been the best thing that ever happened to me! Period!

cool_splash1 said...

Let me explain. The white men said that it looked to them like the black women came to them ONLY BECAUSE they were disssatisfied with black men.

I understand what they are saying, but you should have then asked what about those wm who date non-black women because they say that ww aren't feminine enough or white American women aren't etc. So then couldn't those Asian, black etc. be leftovers as well. What happens when said guy meets a ww American women etc. who is feminine then what will they do?

And another thing what do they think of Asian or other women who chose them because lack of quality men, or mistreatment from the men in the race/culture. What do they think of that? Do they see themselves as leftovers or do they see themselves as a great catch to these women.

cool_splash1 said...

Oh and another thing is the whole men say thing. You have to becareful listening to what men say. Because what they say and do are two compeletly different things.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, that was extremely valuable and interesting...I will be back again to read more on this topic.

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Halima said...

yes you can peter for a website of 'good intention' i hope

Anonymous said...

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