Monday, June 15, 2009

In love with being downtrodden

Black women are downtrodden
Black women are despised
Every theory there is, shows that we are the lowest of the low, so what’s the use in trying to get a relationship

Possibly in all our the history in the West, black women have never been so without hope. So many are melancholic even depressed about the situation, and they are this way with myriads of opportunities around them. Well many don’t seem to think so, apparently.

Listen to black women talk, and you will pick up this sense of ‘there is no use.’ And with them thinking this way, you can be sure that they will never fire their creative synapsis to ensure they do get themselves out of their dire situation. Indeed the ‘can do‘ and ‘go getting‘ part of their brains shut down with such pessimism.

‘The statistics prove that no one wants us and there is no use in trying’

Some black women are angry at those of us who say there are opportunities to be had. They say this is giving out false hope. Many are now perversely reveling in being the underdog and the down throdden. It seems that ’low and down’ has become a key part of their identity and one which they jealously guard and hold in a death-grip. In fact some are so comfortable with discussions of black women’s ‘low status‘, they sigh with great relief to see articles and discussions highlighting this. Like a good old friend, they see it and say, ’where have you been’, ’we’ve been getting pretty uncomfortable with all this optimistic talk’.

Black women, we do love jeremiads, and of course resist any message of hope or optimism, in fact many black women are resentful of those who want to pull the plug on pity parties.

I was once involved in a discussion where a group of black women staged a virtual walkout because others refused to accept that it was all so totally bleak and desolate for black women in the dating arena. They took great offence at what they said was ‘people trying to deny them their voice' even when these people were only sharing from their own real life experiences, experiences which did not reflect the ‘gloom and doom' these women insisted was the only legitimate reality of black women. They wanted to glory in being despised and recjected, it was too much to bear that they were not allowed to roll in the mud of their rejection and call attention to their pitiable plight among other women.

In the future there will be reasons for lines of seperation among black women and one of these reasons will be that we notice this need in some to dwell on and indeed 'exult' in their lowly position. Now dont get me wrong here, I dont mean that we should not recognize the challenges that black women face in society, I mean that for some of us, we love to focus on this purely (and to jolly in it) without a mind to finding a solution. Some of you will need to seperate out from those who love to highight and talk about how forlorn we are as women. Yep we will distinguish ourselves from them just as we have seen a need to seperate from black women who enslave themselves to black men and their interests.

I want to point out that all this pessimism and disbelief has a lot to do with the fact that for years we have sacrificed our self-esteem and anything that could have improved our self-esteem, on the altar of service to black men. Along the way, black women embraced a self-denying service to their idol black men and the results are with us now.

We decided that an eroded self-esteem for black women would serve to shore up the masculinity of black men. We decided that we would sacrifice any suggestion of our wider appeal to other men, for the sake of inflating the black male ego, which we deemed as suffering under racism. Well guess what, we have been massively succesful, their egos are now grotesquely inflated and out of control. Now some of you cant say nothing to black men that they will 'hear'. Each day brings new demands for catering, coddling and more sacrifices and adoration.

Indeed, black women refused to allow themselves to acknowledge their ‘wider appeal’ for the sake of making black men less threatened and utterly sure of their superior masculinity (which held ‘their’ women utterly captive). We joined in spreading lies and fables about how black masculinity is superiority to that of all other men.

The thing that confounds me is the shock some women are now exhibiting that black male egos are out of control, I mean, how did you all think you could continue to exalt them and bow down to them figurately speaking and their heads would not swell and they become out of control? I guess this is the 'suspended comonsense' black thinking in action again.

Black women made to feel guilty, decided that they owed black males a depreciated sense of their own feminine appeal. The result is that now even they are convinced in the lie that we as black women have no widely appealing feminine attributes and that even to get black men to appreciate us, we must remind them of their race duty and obligation to be with us. Such indignity!!

Many black women do secretly wonder how the creator could have got it so wrong as to design a female who would have no female appeal. Trust me, this is the sentiment, despite the protestation that they have never been in doubt that black women attract men, and the citing white men’s actions during slavery as proof.

Speaking about the plight of black women, while studying physics in high school, I remember being told, how that at one point in a room that was full of sound, all sound cancels itself out. I am still trying to come up with the term for this phenomenum, but it was so fascinating to imagine that at one spot, even in a heavy metal concert, there is absolute silence. Wow!

The fact is that the net effect of forces and factors operating in any give locality equals zero at one point. Black women need to look at the world like that, and realise that there are always gaps, footholds and opportunities even in a system that seems without weakness (and lord knows any oppressive system desgined by humans has multiple points of weakness). Always look out for gaps in the system (that many feel are so heavily weighed against us), with a foothold you can go ahead to change a whole system. Optimists will always see and take hold of the opppotunities around, so in essence, this is a mentality issue!


On another note, I have noticed that some black women have a desperate need to get at white males, to get our hands round their necks and sink claws into their jugulars when a chance arises. When there are conversations and discussions which race comes up and there is a clear shot to be taken at white men, they go for it like a missle! Indeed black women can be all about reconciliation and interracial dating etc, but a little opening appears to aim at white men and they just cant help themselves.

What’s up with that?

Do you know that we black females are the only group of people prepped to ‘self-sabotage’ our interracial options with our continuous racial resentment? Some of you need to realise this and begin to reign in your white male bloodlust. Folks are laughing at you not with you!

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the Interracial Dating E-Book

Send your questions to (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)


Anonymous said...

hi -- the sound phenomenon is called "destructive interference". It's where the multiple waveforms are out of phase (say, peak is straight up and the other straight down.) The sum of the waveforms cancel each other out (straight up + straight down = zero displacement.)

GoldenAh said...

During my childhood, the first wedding was of a black woman, my neighbor, to a white guy. I grew up attending "black" weddings; I went to several per year.

Honestly, I had no idea that black women were held in such low esteem, or had such low self-esteem, until I started reading stuff off of the Internet. I hear you on the "woe is me vibe", I stopped lurking on several sites due to that nonsense.

In the "real world", I never got the feeling that any male found us less appealing. My girlfriend and I used to laugh at how men couldn't stay away, even the married white ones.

Perhaps some of us aren't paying attention due to a negative mindset grown out of habit. Sometimes it is easy to ignore the signs of interest, because not every man will approach caveman style.

We need to love ourselves very very much. We cannot love anyone else until we make this transition. If necessary, we need to fake it until it feels real. No one is going to do it for us.

A woman with healthy self-love does not seek out a man (or any for that matter) with light / lighter skin just to give him hell. That's so wrong I think that deserves a topic post of its own.

One day I may write about it.

Felicia said...


That's all I have to say. You've NAILED it again Halima!

Thank you for being yet another articulate, brutally truthful, honest and sorely needed voice of reason and sanity in this world.

Any BW (sadly the majority still) still myriad in confusion and ignorance is blessed if she happens to come across this site.

With your wisdom and common sense being shared, along with the links on your sidebar to other voices of reason who are unappolegtically for the advancement in ALL avenues of BW, you are not only providing a needed service, but a GIFT.

THANK YOU for making it known that all BW are not "asleep at the wheel".

Those BW - sadly the majority - who've been brainwashed and socialized against their best self-interests as human beings even, need the crime that has been committed against them by the non existent so-called "black community" and damaged beyond repair Negro males (that they themselves unknowingly helped create out of a misguided sense of "race loyalty" that was unreciprocated) broken down piece by piece.

Because although a certain percentage deep down DO realize their psyche's have been assaulted in some way, they've been mislead and believe somehow the problem is without when indeed it is within.

They've been "sleeping with the enemy" all along but didn't realize it. And sadly most still don't have a clue.

BW's slavish entanglement with this mythic "black community" which only truly exist on a large scale in their brains - and theirs alone - is what's truly responsible for their embarrassing predicament.

"Free your mind, and the rest will follow" as they say.

Thank you again Halima for helping to free BW's confused and bamboozled (mostly through no fault of their own sense this maladaptive and self-destructive conditioning started so early for most) minds.

Like the saying goes... "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink".

We're all doing what we can by telling the truth even though it's hideous and despicable. If ONE BW's life and SPIRIT is saved from the unnecessary misery you and all of the rest of the BW empowerment bloggers and commenters speak about, is a VICTORY.

Keep up the good work.

sistrunkqueen said...

Thanks Halima for your words of wisdom. You are so right about some bw who don't know how to act even around others. So I am not suprised aboout their reactions to wm. Some of us will just left behind.

Sandra77 said...

Halima, I don't understand your comments in red. Can you clarify?

Taylor-Sara said...

Halima, that was an Amazing post!!!

loved it! I don't know why some women want to wallow in self pity either. I mean does that make better-to think that no one loves you? I've recently started to ask bw to leave my blog because some come there to deliberately disrupt the convo, or engage in circular questions that are designed to send us into a continuous loop. They are simply not ready to move on, and want to impede the progress for other women as well. One even had the nerve to come and ask me: what made me think bw DESERVED husbands!!! See, some ppl just need more help than we can give them...

Halima said...

Thank you anonymous, I was sure somebody was awake during that lesson lol!

Thanks for your response GoldenAh and Felicia (where have you been)

Sistrunqueen thank you

Sandra I have tried to rephrase it, sorry it made sense in my head lol!

Thanks Sara, yes strange things are happening on your blog Lol!. We just have to keep up the pressure it seems!

Pamela said...

I just stay away from people that love their madness. My patience for madness is pretty much nil. It is one thing when people are not aware of possibilities. It is another altogether when people refuse to accept truth when it is presented to them. If they want to live there I will let them. Hopefully they will get tired of rejecting truth and change their lives before they are old, gray and really pitiful regretting the choices they made. They will have no one to blame but themselves as much as they try to blame others for their plight.

Evia said...

In the future there will be reasons for lines of seperation among black women and one of these reasons will be that we notice this need in some to dwell on and indeed 'exult' in their lowly position.

Halima, THANK YOU! To me, it's just shocking how so many bw (particularly younger ones) wallow in doom and gloom. I firmly believe that there are endless opportunities for bw to enjoy the same type of life and love that any other woman enjoys. I know this because I have availed and still avail myself every day of many of these opportunities and I see other bw who think similarly to me doing the same thing. These opportunities are out there for ALL regular, normal bw and the vast majority of us are in the regular, normal range.

However, I'm hearing many younger bw make this statement: "Well, you know how bw are the lowest thing on the totem pole." Where did they get this from?????? Who told them this or I should ask: who has indoctrinated them of this??? Did these young bw engage in any critical thinking to ask WHETHER this person(s) may have had an ulterior, self-serving motive for spewing this PURE, unadulterated poison.

Now, I don't know about what's happening to bw in other countries, but I KNOW that among MOST continental Africans and American whites in the U.S., bw IN GENERAL are still viewed favorably, except for our seeming death grip on the worst aspects of the bc. Still, these other groups do NOT seem AA women as the lowest on the totem pole. Not yet.

Since women in other races and groups are not expected to be the chief-solvers of the problems of their communities, other groups use their own point of reference to wonder why bw do this. Some of them wonder why those of us who can, don't just up and leave and move on to a better life. In general, bw in the U.S. are still seen as ambitious, education-seekers, uplift-oriented, more responsible, generous-to-a-fault, etc. However, as I said we're confusing to these other groups because they don't understand why we seem to be willing to stay on the ground when so many of us can fly. That's one aspect about us that IS viewed as a minus.

Finally, pls check out this blog. Some of us know this bw from other blogs. Her responses here are SO on point.

Khadija said...


You said, "Some black women are angry at those of us who say there are opportunities to be had. They say this is giving out false hope. Many are now perversely reveling in being the underdog and the down throdden."-

Another bizarre angle to this already bizarre mindset is that these women are usually angrier at optimistic BW than they are at those people who demean, degrade, and insult BW in general. They also invest more energy into "proving" that it's "impossible" for BW to have good lives than in seeking a good life for themselves.

All of which is incredibly destructive, to say the least. To themselves, and to every other BW around them.

Peace, blessings and solidarity.

Selena said...

Honestly I didn't realize how much folks play into this phenomenon until I started reading these blogs.

However the being "in love with being downtrodden" has reared its ugly head in my own family.

I separated myself mentally from certain members in my family years ago. It seems like the more they are aware of bw exercising their rights to be and remain happy, the more it frustrates them.

@ Sara yes I remember that poster. SMDH. Forgive me for sounding naive but I'm beginning to think that there are more "troll bw" in real life as well as in cyberspace than anyone else.

cool_splash1 said...

And the whole bw are at the bottom of the totem pole I hear from other bw my aunt included gets on my nerves. Yes we have a hard time in this society. But I am of the firm believe that you are what you think and if you think you are at the bottom you are because that's how you think and feel about yourself. These feelings/thoughts are being projected onto others.

lormarie said...

So true, so true. The worst thing I ever heard was, "why did God make us ugly?" I honestly don't know how the woe is me clique lives with themselves as they seem so miserable. What angers me is the harm they are doing to black girls.

Anonymous said...

I really don't like making comments about other peoples blogs, but the comments about this article show that many of these women missed the point. What's the article is saying is that articles like from Essense instill a fear of singleness in bw and that it's always our fault etc.

There is nothing in there about not needing a man or not focusing on getting married.

sistrunkqueen said...

That's because the focus of these black female magazine's like Essence is to get bw scared and desperate to get a man by any means necessary. I hate articles like this because they offer no solutions.

They don't tell black women to open themselves to IR dating, or traveling, moving to a more "diverse" community to find a mate. They always want us to check our attitudes and expectations at the door.

I just got an email from a over 50 white male who went out with a sbw in her late 40. He told me that it did not work out because she had baggage and is overweight. I can't emphasize more the #1 reason many white men are turned off by some bw is the weight. I use to host IR parties in Atlanta and the male guests were not attracted to the plus size bw. The wm who emailed me is a banker who is quite successful and is looking for companionship. Again wm know what they want and will not settle because they don't have to.

Pamela said...

Good points, sistrunkqueen.

The last time I tried to read Essence was when they offered a dreadful solution of man-sharing for bw that wanted to be in a relationship with a bm. There are no words to express how totally disgusted I was with this madness. I did read online I think last year where Essence did feature something positive on IR relationships. I read it on another IR blog (forget which one). I was amazed at this since they tended to feature the downtrodden suffering mule as the lot in life for bw.

I totally agree that the best thing that women in general can do is to get in good physical shape. I have known my boyfriend for several years. He was married when I first met him (now a widower). I was 65-70 heavier when we met several years ago. I lost the weight mainly for health reasons, especially after watching my Dad slowly die a brutal death because he was way overweight. At my age it was a lot harder than it would have been for me to stay at a good weight as a younger woman. He watched me lose the weight the past two years. I doubt very seriously if he would have considered me now if I had not lost the weight. There seems to be something in men where they want to be with a woman they are proud to be seen with. In many of their minds that woman is not an overweight one. I know that he tells me that he loves being seen with me.

Another reason that many people do not think about is that you should want to give the gift of good health to the person you want to marry. In most cases bad health is directly related to how we eat and how much extra weight we carry. I do not want to give my future husband the potential of having to care for me because I did not take care of myself. Not all disease can be prevented by this but it will indeed drastically lessen the chances of them when you are in good physical condition. Believe me I thought more about this when I ended up being a caretaker for my Dad. He apologized for not taking better care of himself and getting upset with Mom and I when we tried to encourage him to change. I also added to my so-called list that the man I marry needs to be one in good physical condition and takes care of his health.

There is a lot more to the idea of being in good shape than just to look good even though that will be the starting point for many men:) That cannot be ignored.

Anonymous said...

I dont know if anyone else has noticed this but here in the United States--- even the marjority of songs by bw i.e.(mary j blige, toni braxton) tend to be negative and full of gloom and doom.

Now Im not saying that there arent any **popular** love songs by bw, they just dont seem to be as frequent as our non-black counterparts

cool_splash1 said...

There is a bw (probably many) who left Essence and Ebony for these reasons. I can't remember one ladys name, but last time I checked she was working on a black woman's magazine for and by bw.

Lynn said...

I totally agree that the best thing that women in general can do is to get in good physical shape.

I totally agree. I live in Chicago and I jog along the lakefront every chance I get. I have yet to see a BW out there. It's a shame. But good physical health leads to higher self esteem.

I think there is a link between being overweight and your self esteem.