Tuesday, December 22, 2009

This is a Mental War and Pamela gets Married!

Happy Holidays!

Good news: Pamela gets married.

I am awaiting a situation update, but Pamela tied the knot this Friday past, with her French-American Beau. Many congratulations Pamela. I know you are on your honey moon but when you have a spare minute, let us know how it all went. We are excited for you!

Pamela has been on board with black women empowernment from the get go, and her contributions and encouragement have been there to help and streghten the BWE bloggers and readers along the way. We have had an eventful journey with our pamela, on these blogs. We were here when she experienced loss and when she hit a milestone age (all experiences which she freely shared to encourage others) and then despite the negative barrage of ideas about black women, she secured what she wanted for herself; the love of a man with old school chivalry.

One thing I can definitely say is that Pamela won the mental battle that is being waged fiercely against black women and she has always written about the types of mental warfare that was directed against her. From close freinds, from the black church (especially from the church where people wanted her to 'settle' and where folks knocked her higher education and wanted her to down play it) etc etc.

Pamela won but many of you have been conquered.

How do I know?

I know because I see how some of you always see the cup as half empty with respect to your broader options. Yes I have countless letters complaining that white and other men are not in a stamped to get at black women and this upsets many black women and makes them feel there is no hope on the interracial front.

I have come to the understanding that our message will fall on the various 'soil' of black women out there (like the parable of the sower). Some women will take even half a percent of a chance and run with it and will produce a 100 fold, others will recieve the same message and immediately see a reason to be more depressed than when they thought they had only one option available.

So how you recieve the idea of the interracial option and the message that black women can have the relationships they want, is simply a question of, 'What soil are you' (read the parable of the sower (Mark 4:1-20, Matthew 13:1-23, and Luke 8:1-15).

My advice to those trying to open black women's minds to the opportunitites out there is, dont struggle with them. Some women are naturally negative and will zone in on the negative (half empty). Its about their mental set up, not you.

I also know that many black women are conquered because of how eager they are to spread the 'gospel' of bad news about black women's lot and how they are attracted like bees to honey to websites where the dirge of black women's lot, is being played. Some of you would pay to get access to those websites lol!

And many of you hold up with glee the latest confirmation of black women's hard luck, shouting, 'Come and see, come and see'. The fact that black women have started glorying in their situation is a clear sign that they have been mentally conquered by the psychological warfare aimed at securing black women in the underclass position with respect to everyone else.

I live in a place where government has been condemned for employing so much spin doctoring, ie making a negative into positive, but you see, this is actually how people who are unbowed behave, they try to get out, to do something to overturn the negative and to see a silver linning.

A little detour; when I used to go on speaking engagements in no distant past, I remember always being on the look out for a sign that black women were in 'fight back'. I wanted to see the spark that black women had not been 'taken out', that they were still live and kicking. Actually in many cases what I saw was mentally bowed black women, standing there taking the punches from black men who were mocking them, not even a little bitsy self-presevation spark, to at least if anything, move away from the source of abuse. Thats conquered women for you. You see somewhere along the line black women decided that their self-respect was also to be forfeit if it came to it, to serve the black construct, and once self respect is offered up, that is essentially it, one is conquered. Indeed instead of drawing a line and saying 'Signing away my self-respect will never be part of this deal', black women just bent over and let their self-respect be sacrificed to for black unity to happen. Well look at the mess situation we have right now.

Back to black women prefering bad news to good, it seems to me that it has become more important for the body of black women to get the confirmation that they are scrapping the bottom than that there is hope, I have seen how so protective they are of the bad news of their lot, that they will flay you for pointing out any hope or anyway round.

Fancy that, black women enjoying their 'no hope' situation.

Indeed 'Ok cupid' survey is now being used as a confirmation of the ill luck of black women and how no one wants black women, over and over and over. But do you know that that survey, if it can be used to confirm anything, actually puts black women in a slightly better position re black men with respect to interracial dating! Indeed and and yet I doubt any of you would suggest that black men are hurting for interracial attention (go back to those stats and have a look of you doubt me). Like I said, it is how you are primed to receive and the fact that some folks just go out there and make things work for them.

Yes, I went on a website recently where the writer actually set a trap to see how many black women would zone in on the 'woe is us', and do you know, the trap worked because dozens of responses on how 'we are the lowest of the low' ensued, and of course IR bloggers got a dishonorable mention for selling false hope. Finally the author revealed that others could be seen to come out slightly worse. No one came back to admit they were hunting and pecking for the negative though...

This is a warfare y'all and those of you who still remain free from the 'beaten up' virus need to guard yourselves so very carefully because this negative virus spreads like wild fire and in such a sophisticated way.

Let me state it clearly now that I dont trust anything a black man writes. I dont think I am linked to any black male author on the side bar of this blog, but those of you who need to be fair and diverse and all that, go right ahead, dont think I am trying to get you to change.

I believe at some point they will gently start to nudge black women to 'their place', the place they prefer to see black women, demonstrably under or behind black men socially. These men feed off the signs and sounds of black women trailing in social acceptance vis a vis themselves and try to secure black women in this place however they can, often in very sophisticated ways, for instance they might pretend to be commiserating with the latest evidence of how excluded black women are in the dating scene yet I firmly believe that these men are having an (*&&^)&&&%3 reading all the coments from black women agreeing and providing further evidence that they are not as socially accepted as black men (one place black men feel they are doing better than black women and are desperate to keep it as such).

I tell a lie, there is one black male blogger who I have observed not to be among, the 'feeding off black women's plight' as confirming that black women do not have as much universal appeal as black men.

Anyway like Pamela, some of us are winning the war, for others, feel free to make as many excuses for yourself as you like.

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book

And send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)


Anonymous said...

Halima: thanks for this post. I just spent a week on "vacation" with a woman with such a negative mindset, that I'm convinced that I should never travel with her again and, perhaps, get rid of her in my life. Her negativity is spirit-killing and WHEN she can be convinced to try something new, she's either destroyed the convincer's (mine) enjoyment in the process or worn me down to the point of muted enjoyment. You are right -- it's not me, it's her -- however, it's MY issue that I allow her to do what she does in my life. Thanks for reminding me. Please send me encouraging energy. I've recently realized that I have few friends and need a new life, before it's too late. Thanks for speaking cure into our illness.

CW said...

@Anonymous 1157hrs

I also had to accept some friends would never rise above a certain station in life...They refuse to take any responsibility for their own lives...Consider this: Often, I had to omit the friends who could NEVER be on time from certain events because of the aggravation...Because as we know, there are venues where one MUST be early and/or on time...Specifically, there are folk that I'd never travel with due to this reason...So ladies, please consider how your habits can work for or against you!

Zabeth said...

Wow Halima this post is deep and thought provoking. I guess many BW are conquered; but as you state being conquered is part of your mindset. Your thoughts are powerful. It is bothersome to me how some BW are complacent about our situation and are seemingly willing to join pity parties. I hate seeing articles and documentaries come out recounting how BW will never marry and yada yada yada, while others seem to flock to them. I don’t understand it- pity parties aren’t productive.

Skypurple15 said...

This post couldn't come at a better time. I am sick to death of the woe is me, bottom of the pole, can't find a man, talk from some bw. I literally have to stay away from them because that kind of talk can have an affect on you.I would rather hear keep dating, vetting, write a list of what you want. Those types of women, are a self-fulfilling prophecy without even knowing it.

This conversation needs to be killed by the end of this year, because it gets black women no where.

They can think positively about getting a job, getting an education, taking a trip, girls night out, but can't think positively about getting a man? Come on....better thinking.

And let's think about this while we're talking about OkCupid...isn't ironic how this article comes up just when bw are deciding to date out??? hmmm coincidence, i think not.

Jacque said...

Pity parties only lead to the following..I coulda...I shoulda ...I woulda...blah, blah...Let's face it. Some black women don't want to see the light and prefer to play in the band on the deck while the Titanic is sinking...Maybe they feel more noble that way. Even false pride can still feel good.

trish said...

I have to agree with Skypurple about the coincidence of the OK Cupid article. We could take solace in the women of the past and all the hurdles they had to overcome. Could you imagine how they must feel to see that we have come so far only to succumb to whims of a few weak minded men (DBRM) whether they’re black or white? Black women have made strides in all areas of society largely without the help of black men (not talking about civil rights leaders of the past). What other women accomplished so much without the aid of men by their side. We did this because we had little choice. Our latest hurdle seems to be becoming wives to quality men. All we have to do is analyze the situation and take the necessary steps to achieve our goals. If we approach it like we’ve done in every other area of our growth I believe we would be successful. We would not be successful if we internalize the negative messages (be they from white supremacy structures or the black community); we would not be successful if we continue relationships that are not beneficial to us (the black community) or men that do not elevate our lives in any way. To achieve success we have to carefully monitor what we allow to seep into our mind. The last real hurdle in my view is our mindset. I firmly believe that true progress begins inside. Good quality men would not pass up a good woman no matter the color. Make yourself a quality person and you can only attract quality.
Congrats to Pamela!!!

trish said...

Do any of you wonder why there doesn’t seem to be such an incessant media assault on black men as on black women? Maybe they’re not terribly worried about the future prospects of black men. However, we as women have strived against the odds and we have surpassed our own men in achievement. I’m not a student of history but this seems unprecedented. There isn’t a media war against Asian or Hispanic women or biracial women. Why the war against us? I believe it is so because we possess fortitude. Let us tap into that and pull ourselves out of this marriage rut. Despite what others want us to think the solution is still up to us.

Jazine said...

Trish, I believe decades from now when the total destruction of the black family is behind us, there will be a plethora of social research on this unprecedented phenomenon that is happening to black women (especially African-American women) right now. I believe Evia is documenting the very thing you have touched on.

Karyn L. Folan said...

Hi Halima,

Great post (as usual)! Like you, I've heard so many black women insist that men of other races don't want us. It truly is one of those "as you believe, so shall you see" situations. If you don't believe men of other races will be interested in you, then they WON'T BE. However, if you truly believe yourself to be viable to a good man regardless of his ethnicity, then you will easily put yourself in situations where you will meet those men... and you'll see them responding to you as a potential mate.

BW's mental state is where this game begins and ends. It is indeed mental warfare and BW must begin not with the externals, but the INTERNAL. What is my state of mind? What do I believe about myself? Where does my value truly lie? Why do I attract what I attract? How do I change myself to attract differently?

Believing is seeing-- not the other way around. What you beleive about yourself is what you manifest. If you believe you're downtrodden, that you're scraping the bottom of the barrel, that no one wants you-- that is what life will show you. If you believe you are desireable, that men flock to you for your wonderful personality, your charm, your humor and intelligence-- they will. And your physical appearance will have to little to do with it!

No one can "flip a switch" and change what a woman believes about herself. Other than provide support, information and inspiration (things, Halima, you do really well!) there's nothing any of us can do for our negative, defeated or conquered sisters. Their work is within. They will either do it, or they won't.

I agree with Jazine: we are living through a "sea change" that social scientists and historians will be writing about a hundred years from now. It's critical that we ENDURE and PROSPER. We must also keep writing, speaking and encouraging each other. We are forging the identity of the "new Black woman"-- the one who is freeing herself from identities based completely on white supremacy or reactions to it.

The lives of pioneers are rarely easy, ladies-- but they are always inspirational! Keep your heads up and your hearts open! God bless each of you in your journey!

lormarie said...

First off, congrats to Pamela!

Second Halima, you are so on point about the position of bm when it comes to IR dating. More and more, the facts are showing us that they are not the desire of all or even most nonblack women. I mention this because that myth has been around for ages. Due to the position of bm in the world, they desperately needed to feel on top in some way shape or form. Now that their mythical desirability has been knocked down, they go on the attack against bw (many, not all).

Question, how many A or B or even C list white female celebrities date or marry bm?

EFP said...

I've been been reading a majority of the blogs out of curiosity and some of the responses. I have read sites with the same content from time to time (i.e. Lashawn Barber) because I'm a wm that's been in a relationship with a bw for a few years now. I'm curious to see what a bw perspective of dating a wm is. This particular blog brought to mind thoughts of when I first met her and we began dating. I was the first wm she had dated and she was only with black men previously. I ran into so much of what your discussing on this blog of how she was just mentally "beat down" and it seemed after awhile everything was almost like a test to see if I would do what had been done to her in the past. Such things as I was suppose act like I was to be catered to and she just be quite and bend over backwards. Or just cancel a date last minute while other plans happen to come up and she just deal with it. After all she was just a bw and she has been with bm so it was ok. She was very defensive, would be very assumptive and just angry. After awhile the best things she explained about bm was that it's ok for them to have kid(s) but not ok for a bw because she is damaged goods. She was even surprised when I would pick her up for a date and meet her at the door instead of just honking my horn, opening doors for her and even pda like taking her hand while walking or even holding her hand while at dinner.

Another thought that I hope ties in and is of interest is that of wm and bw marriage. I read the study that was posted some time back. I actually did research while in undergrad by compiling other studies concerning interracial relationships. Surprisingly the least studied couple was wm/bw and the most studied was bm/ww. The research I did was done months before the study was published that was posted on this blog. I wish I would've had the results from it for mine.

I'm very interested in ir relationships as I study psychology. This is the first time I've been in a realtionship with a bw. I've been in other ir relationships before. I've always been interested in bw and even as a teenager I've found bw attractive. After reading over the blogs and comments I think the stereotypes do play a huge part in if they take place. I've tried to date bw before but they maybe were the wrong ones, by this I mean they would play too much or worry about how it would look in public. The bw I'm with now at first was always worried about if I noticed the stares. At first I did but I don't now but I do see the seething glare from the ww. (Which I will never ever be with one.)

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Oh I am trying to avoid a headache post-Xmas not from the holiday but because a BW wants to argue with me about why I've called a friend of hers a DBR. Mind you these ppl are both online & I don't know them. I didn't know they knew each other but I was discussing DBRs & used an example of the behavior and the person who displayed it when she asked for an explanation. Oh Lawdy what have I wrought?

It is WAR ladies & many BW will be LOST. I am sooo glad I took the right pill to get out of the DBR Matrix and I am NOT GOING BACK.

Congrats to Pamela and all the Pamela's to come. I'm one of the next ones!! I'm taking all necessary steps to get my life in order. These situations only prove how deep the indoctrination goes and why those will fight to remain in bondage.

Those women that want to remain confused or reject the life-giving spiritual message that has clearly been put on some of our hearts to even be DISCUSSING IT to begin with - have had their opportunity.

I am reminded of why self-care is necessary and making sure we have an ark for ourselves. Cuz some of these women will fight you to the death to retain the wool being pulled over their eyes or to keep that man.

Good Grief!!

This only reinforces for me how we are the "haves" or the "have nots" pertaining to knowledge. Even though I still struggle with employing all the concepts and how to manifest them in my own life since my freedom from indoctrination in July I know if I keep applying them, observing and taking steps forward I will also ARRIVE.

Thanks Halima and the others who also blog about these matters because as we go into 2010 and I continue to hear the indoctrination tapes of many BW I am very grateful for your efforts. I'm one of the women who's been helped and I will continue to pay it forward as well.

Lorraine said...

Congrats to Pam this holiday season as she will have many reasons to celebrate around her anniversary.

Just wanted to say that this is another excellent, common sense post.

I am hoping and praying for a good friend who is about to turn 50. She demands that the man make the first move but won't allow herself to be contacted. I set her up with two wm in her age group and she actually went out on a date with one (against her mother and friend's advice). She said she had a good time, but refused to take anymore of his phone calls. The last one was very forward even sending her flowers. She told me she couldn't even dial his number to say thank you. I was so disappointed and hurt for her. Because my friend is stuck in the "there's a black man out there for me" mode. She still even wants children telling me that she is asking God to protect her fertility.

There is such a disconnect that I had to give up on her 2 years ago. I still have hope but won't take any initiative that she can't/won't take for herself and her own happiness. I don't understand it as there are women all around her who we both know are all married interracially but she can't bring herself to see that she could actually be happy.

Privately I am hoping 2010 will be her year but she is praying herself into lonliness with this waiting on God thinking. I do wish her well. Thanks for the consistant uplifting and common sense messages you write.

Red Ribbon said...

Oh, good for here deary. And for those singles out there, please give dating sites a chance

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Pamela! I wish you a happy honeymoon and may happy years together!

GoldenAh said...

Congratulations to Pamela. She was always positive and focused.

>>Let me state it clearly now that I dont trust anything a black man writes.

>>they might pretend to be commiserating with the latest evidence of how excluded black women are in the dating scene

This posting is so on point. I even got suckered by a few blogs and news articles. I had a filter that would bring me articles written by anyone about black women, or interracial relationships, etc.

99% of the time it was a black male, or pessimistic, miserable black woman spreading the "black woman scrape the bottom of the barrel" garbage.

Worst of all, I read some of these people thinking they were rational, analytical, and sane. They use stealth in spreading the "I'm just being real with you. No one on earth could love, or is attracted to a black woman" poison.

There are these black males, who claim to be married to a black woman, obsessing over who black women are seeking as mates, dating or marrying.

Why should they care? Why wont they mind their own business? And then I realize, I've forgotten that these negroes believe black women are public property.

We all have to work hard to be positive, because these miserable, misogynistic racists and nasty critters have too much time on their hands.

ValeriesWorld said...

Thank you very much for this post and congratulations to Pamela and her husband.

Felicia said...

Congratulations Pamela!

This is such wonderful news.

You really deserve this happiness.

Many blessings to you and your beloved this Holiday season.

ak said...


More and more, the facts are showing us that they are not the desire of all or even most nonblack women. I mention this because that myth has been around for ages. Due to the position of bm in the world, they desperately needed to feel on top in some way shape or form. Now that their mythical desirability has been knocked down, they go on the attack against bw (many, not all).

Question, how many A or B or even C list white female celebrities date or marry bm?

Yes lormarie, all of what you're saying is true but don't put too much into who the white A to Z list celebs are doing in Hollywood or the cheaper socialites like Paris Hilton and The Hills chicks, that section of people continues to have white on white relationships and marriages through and through.

Yet they do not reflect at all on the numbers of black women who date and marry white men and non-black men and they most certainly do NOT reflect the numbers of Asian & Asian American women who date and marry white men and other non-black men.

Hollywood and the mainstream media as we know will focus on the fully white couples mostly and first no matter what, but that has nothing to do with real life.

Daughter of the First said...

Bingo again Halima. This is a mental thing. Changing how one sees themselves is the way to go. BW keep focusing on the negative instead of the positive aspects of themselves. When you focus on something very intensely it grows.

ak said...

I don't have a problem with the BW who wants to wallow in her own self pity about her personal problems and what she hears about 'general black women's problems'. That's that black woman's own affair.

But I don't like when black women who feel that way want to argue with you or bully you into feeling their way and into agreeing with them.

And if they don't want to see the IR relationship/marriage options & would rather bemoan not having a black man permanently in their lives, hey that's their call to make, but I won't make that kind of call.

Public Marriage Records said...

The post is fantastic. I read and read and could not stop just! Nowdays it is a great problem. But I think that it is not so important that the races are different, the importance of making relationship is love, respect, understanding each other!