Thursday, May 20, 2010

What was on the coffee table

Message to black women:
Never elevate black men above your own self-worth. Do not 'love' or esteem the black man to the extent they are over your self worth or hold your self worth as 'nothing' for the sake of black men and being of service to them or to race. I am saying this because I have come to the understanding that a good many things black women are told to do for black men or to do to be with them or to keep them etc are 'self worth' sacrificing things.

When asked to do something, for black man, around the black man’s situation, or even for the community (which often works out to be something for the black man), ask yourself, ‘Where is my self worth in all this?’

If you find your self-worth and your very dignity will be lying in tatters on the floor, refuse to participate.

An example of where black men are being elevated over your dignity and self-worth is, when told to (go as far as to) look for black men in strip clubs (black men are so important over and above your self-respect as a woman), another example is when asked to give criminals and low lifes a chance because they are black men (esteeming black men above safety and sanity of the black woman), or when asked to swoop down to deal with a man below your level.

What was on the coffee table?
I went to a relations house over last weekend. She had a copy of Essence (aka messence) magazine on the coffee table, the one with Jill Scott’s face on the cover.

I almost didn’t pick it up because of the whole ‘wincing’ issue, however there was a moment of inactivity and I picked it up to read the interesting fashion bits, and then glanced at Jill Scott’s interview.

I am not going to go into details of what I read, but a couple of things really struck me:

One was how black women who should know better, even black women who you think have some intelligence, invest full trust in black men even when the signs are very clear that they should exercise caution.

Apparently Jill Scott (now a single parent and a reluctant one as she claims) had a baby with a man with three kids from three different women, yet Jill Scott was happy to ‘trust’ that this man would come through for her so much so she didn’t secure the arrangements of her pregnancy and is claiming his betrayal came out of the blues! Incredible!

It’s amazing that everything that should teach black women to be extra wary with a black men is right in front of their eyes yet they still want to ‘trust a brotha’. It sounds to me like being scammed by a black man is a valued ‘battle scar’ for some black women. They might hope not to get this scar but when they do, they can proudly show it off as a testament to the fact that they ‘took one for their black race’. I strongly believe that these black women know they will be disappointed despite all the feigning of surprise that it didn’t work out. They feel, ‘let me just roll the dice, perhaps I will come out the odd exception.’

This is the sentiment I get when I read these ‘oh I trusted him but he messed me about’ stories, I feel that these women really know deep down what the deal is and decide to ‘sign up’ for it on the off chance it would work out for them but knowing that they are likely be left to go it alone and somehow being at peace with this outcome. It shows how low black women’s expectations have fallen with regards being able to have a marriage and a family in that order.

Anyone could have predicted that Jill would end up a single mum, all the signs where there, particularly the sign of a man with three kids from three different women, but Jill was ‘surprised’, by it all and how it was all such a 'curve ball'. This is the same pattern of perpetual surprise that Evia talks about. Black women are constantly surprised by things that were looming and so apparent that you can smell them! Ultimately this is all aligned with the magical thinking mode which seems to dominate the perception of many black women.

We can be sure that these women take pride in struggling alone and making the best out of their situation, instead of wanting so much more out of life, instead of refusing to deal with bad odds at all, but going for a more ‘promising scenario,’ they continue to deal in ones with so many riddles and doubts and likelihood of failure, as in this case of a man who has a bad track record. Its clear these women actually set themselves up for single parenthood meaning that on some level they have accepted that the fate of all those women around them is the one they will inherit and guess what? Both black men and black women know the score and they dance accordingly even while pretending that they will play it differently in their case.

I say this because this man bought a ring (according to Jill) and gave this ring to Jill on stage or in some very public situation. Never the less she went ahead to fall pregnant when the relationships was still full of uncertainty and nothing but promises (from a man with a worrying track record), and indeed knowing his track record, she should have insisted on a more secure situation. Let’s face it, she wanted to have a baby and was open to having it however the situation played out which is her choice however she is really tripping trying to sell us a story of ‘it came out of the blues, I really thought it would work out.’

She counts among her friends who ‘strengthened her’ in her trials, Monique and Erykah Badu. Lol! The cabal of low expectation for black women including open relationships, children by 100 different men, etc etc some of the things ‘strong’ black women do for their race and for which they should be ‘proud’ and hailed for.

One thing I was reminded of again in reading Essence after a long time, is how the writing is so designed to sell suffering and dysfunction as a nobel and transceding choice that the black woman takes on for their race! Its like mood lighting that takes you to an altered state, a place where a ugly thing takes on an appeal and 'foolishness' is somehow an elevated choice! Its so weird that I who know better was for that moment 'following along' with the reasoning of Jill Scott. Like I was saying, 'Ok I see how that could have happened or how she could have decided on that choice.' The dumb choices were somehow making sense! When I dropped the magazine a while later I came back to my normal frame within which I exclaimed, 'that was just sooo idiotic and so dumb!'

These magazines are so conditioning, its no wonder black women who are into these kinds of mags think along peculiar lines. Scary stuff!

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to:


HoneeB said...

If I could give you a standing ovation right now, I totally would! Once again you have hit the nail squarely on the head! ITA about the fact that lots of BW go into situations hoping that it will "work out somehow" when all evidence to the contrary is staring them in the face. I understand that life happens and people change and things don't go according to plan, but the shame of it is that some women wear it as a "badge of honor"--thinking that having their owe tale of woe to spin is validation of
"true black womanhood" and a seat at the "big girl's table". Such foolishness! I would rather try to minimize my personal pain & suffering by looking before I leapt, thankyouverymuch! LOL

Jamdown said...

Interesting post. But I guess if Black women do not support Black men fully, who else will?

I mean isn't the so-called Black community essentially composed of Black women fawning over, excusing the negative conduct of and placating needy, self-destructive, egocentric Black men?

Only when a Black woman is attacked by "the White man", do some Black men rally around Black women. Otherwise we are on our own.

Selena said...

She counts among her friends who ‘strengthened her’ in her trials, Monique and Erykah Badu.

Just WOW. I would be too ashamed to admit that I went to either of these two for advise!

Jules said...

My mom and I have been having this discussion for a while now. Too many BW are putting men in a place that only God should be. First allegiance in life belongs to God and everything and everyone after that.

A man is just a man, he can't heal you if you are sick, pick u up out of the gutter and put you in a high seat, he can't comfort your broken heart and give you the everlasting peace that only God can give. Until BW, who are almost always deeply spiritual get their priorities straight, and realize the position a man should play and do not elevate him beyond that, only until then will they be blessed with enough wisdom and discernment to make wise choices for their lives, and align themselves with men of integrity and purpose who will be of value to them.

A very poignant essay BTW, blessing.


NijaG said...

Our viewpoints on the Jill Scott (and other black women like her) are very much in alignment. Actually, I think I expressed similar thoughts on one of you other topics a few weeks back.

From the GET GO, there were bright, blinking RED FLAGS with the man JS CHOSE to get involved with. However, she still CHOSE to get involved with him.

It's one thing if certain negative traits don't express themselves immediately and come out later, but this attitude by many BW of seeing HOT BLAZING FIRE in front of them and still choosing to put their own hands in off their own free will, tells u alot about the true emotional mindset of many black women; regardless of how high they claim their self-esteem is.

Betty Boo said...

You nailed it. Indeed black women do face challenges that call them draw on stregnth to stand fast, but alot of this misery as you so beautifully put it alot of black women unnecssarily and foolishly bring on themselves, THEY CREATE IT!!. And magazines like essence indeed feed on that dysfunction. My brother said something that has stuck with me. "black women have got to stop picking bums then complain when the dude is not what they wanted him to be (when he never was in the first place) and they are left holding the bag raising the kids alone and I am really tired of the ones who have 4 or 5 kids by 4 or 5 bums and talk about their struggle to raise them becasue the daddies ain't around and the struggle to be a strong black woman."

E said...

Poor, sad indoctrinated Jill. And you can add Angie, Erykah and India to the list as well. At least she got black women talking about 'the problem that must not be named' in venues where the conversation is patrolled by the ABC (acting black committee). I feel sad for these women whose whole sense of worth depends on men who simply are not checking for them and haven't been for 30 years. If the only men you allow yourself to be open to treat you like an invisible (depending on what they want from you at the moment) mammy, mule or babymama, that must just mess with your head even more. The answer? Write some more songs elevating those men, swell their egos, increase their perceived value and wince when you see them with white women. Pretend JayZ isn't singing "Girls All Over the World" while you skin "Black Brother" and "Brown Skin." Cognitive dissonance indeed. It's like 1984 in some of these ABC communities. Up means down, babymama means wifey, 70% single means love the brothers even more and wince. Just look at what happens when black women don't toe the party line on what is really happening to bw in the 'black community' (second to last comment mine):

Keeping black women in unproductive loops (love that phrase and thank you for it!) is a scam to keep us shackled here, tethered and afraid. Get out while you can!

Selena said...

@ E,

Excellent comments both here and over at Facebook.

Hold mean to tell me a black woman actually created a Facebook page for other black women to throw a pity party?!? Lawd be a blindfold!

Guuurl I am TOTALLY done!

Well I see ONE black man commenting over there. I guess the readers can fawn over him for his flip-flopping comments. Art imitating life LOL.

Anonymous said...

Funny, there is an article in Marie Claire (US, June 2010 issue) entitled: "Color of Love: Please don't set me up with the only black professional you know". It was short but truthful. Basically, earthy or profession, ghetto or suburban, most women (black women included) want to have more in common with their spouses than just their race.

Zabeth said...

@Anonymous 3:26 do you know if that article is available online yet?

Mary said...

“We can be sure that these women take pride in struggling alone and making the best out of their situation, instead of wanting so much more out of life’

You know, my mother said something to me recently that I still cannot believe. It’s hard to admit but she is an honorary member of the strong black woman committee, an outspoken one. Suffering and struggle is a badge of honor for them, I can confirm that much. There’s a strong sense of pride that you can sense when her and her ilk talk about their lives, the things they’ve been through and how they’ve survived. Instead of admitting that it’s dysfunctional, that the lives they’ve lived is undesirable, these women don’t see it that way. To them, they deserve admiration, they feel pride and feel that they deserve praise.

There was a time when I felt sorry for these women but now I see these women as deeply selfish and self-absorbed. To go along and get pregnant by a useless man (once or multiple times), with no thought about your future child, how you’ll care for them, how they will feel about being fatherless, there’s something incredibly selfish about it to me. Maybe it gives them a sense of purpose, I don’t know. It also might be an attention getter but either way, as someone who was born out of wedlock, I can tell you it’s the children that suffer.

Mary said...

why can black people not use contraceptions!!! Why??? I went to a majority white one can convince me that white girls are less sexually active than black girls, no one!! However, they’re not getting pregnant left and right when clearly black girls are. Why are black folks so clearly against using birth control and other forms of contraception, especially with this single mother epidemic

Anonymous said...

Although this is a black womans sight,in which im one, I feel that all women are starting to act in this way, and stand by their man, even if hes into strip clubs, porn, etc. sigh...even teenage girls have to do a lot to be in the 'click'. It wasnt always like this.side note; have you seen the vid on youtube of 5 little white girls looking like a dish for pedophiles?? Doing a hoochie dance, complete with garters under the age of 9? if it effects them, its going to affect us

Anonymous said...

HoneeB and Jamdown, this is sad,very sad, I even think black women would be the FIRST to sign up for polygamy when it goes through{since gay marriage might be the law of the land someday}since there will be nothing to stop it, than to go outside the 'race'

Selena said...

Hey Z,

I found a blog on the story:

Go to the post title Why The Obama Mama Can't Find Her Prince Barack

For the actual Marie Claire article go here:

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

You just saved me a few lost minutes. I know not to read that crap in Essnece. and you only confirmed it. Stay away from the nonsense. This is why after last year's debacle I know better than to watch the BET Awards.

Anonymous said...

This is why after last year's debacle I know better than to watch the BET Awards.


What happened??

Anonymous said...

Ahem,...when these fatherless babies grow up to be teenagers, we wont be able to use the police to control the neighborhood: only the NATIONAL GUARD will be able to, if they can. the males will be so out of control and the females will be putting them up on 'pedistals'

GoldenAh said...

Essence is a cult magazine, dedicated to black women's masochism and black male worship (with a forum for the males to give us incredibly stupid, retrograde, and damaging advice).

Their motto is "where black women come first", but that's dishonest marketing and spin. The writers and publishers of that magazine simply lack any decency or common sense.

This is the kind of magazine that is so toxic, it shouldn't be placed anywhere in the vicinity of preteen to young black women. This deficit and dearth of promising life enhancing advice, and informative resources, for black women coming from the black media is crippling. It's more nonsense on top of nonsense.

They might as well start saying that slavery was a good idea, and we should request its return, because the advice they espouse, and the knuckleheads they celebrate, isn't too far from that. Unfortunately, they are all too stupid to notice.

I cannot even tell you how annoyed I get, when I read their "experts" on natural black hair. Wrong!

ValeriesWorld said...

I have to agree with Jules, too many bw are worshiping bm like God, although we are made in God's image, and for us to get his power and strength, we have to speak 'His Words', in the Name of Jesus.

I have said this to someone and her face turned away from me, black men do not, will never belong to us, they never did, we as bw do not and never will belong to them. We all belong to God, once we accept that, then we can have healthy relationships.

I had a conversation with a young black men on the bus, he read Jill's article about the wincing, he said if these ladies really wanted black men, there are many very successful black men, but you will have to make changes, go and live in the West Indies, French West Indies, South American countries, some African countries, but are these ladies really prepared to make these moves, I really doubt that. No, they are very happy to moan, there is not enough of decent black men. If you want something different you have to make changes, you sometimes have to move out of your comfort zone, you cannot hang around buzzards and want to be with eagles. If we look in the bible, Abigail, Ruth and Esther had to make changes. Abigail had to become diplomatic, when she spoke to David, within 10 days, her foolish husband died and she became David's wife. Ruth and Naomi moved from where they were living and she eventually married Boaz, Esther had to go to the palace and she had her beauty treatments, what these ladies did in common, they left their communities and they made changes.

These black women who want black men to come up and knock on their doors and this is not going to happen.

God must be involved in every step of the way in their lives and he is not. Black men worship is an evil, it will destroy you. We are seeing this destruction and the men who are involved in non-black women are getting on with their lives.

I also have to agree with GoldenAh, Essence magazine is really mind controlling rubbish. Although Essence may have some good articles, we must love ourselves, even if we have to say 100 hundred times, I am beautiful.

Vanilla Lover said...

You hit the center of the dart boared everytime with your posts, I hope I can write as good as this someday. xx

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Messence has a new article in June: be so good to your man that he'll think you INVENTED SEX ewww. The only way you should even THINK about doing that is if YOU HAVE A WEDDING RING ON HIS FINGER it's too risky out there

Anonymous said...

What a shame that Beyonce is the only HIGH PROFILE black woman singer that's MARRIED. We can now add Alicia Keys to the (growing) laundry list of R&B baby mamas! SMH

It's really troubling to me when I see high profile black women who can literately have any man they want on this PLANET continue to sell themselves short by dating/breeding (because "marriage" apprently isn't in their vocabulary) with total dbr losers.

There are very few black women that I admire due to this "down-for-the-black-man-regardless-of-reciprocity" phenomenon SMH

bgurrl said...

What a shame that Beyonce is the only HIGH PROFILE black woman singer that's MARRIED. We can now add Alicia Keys to the (growing) laundry list of R&B baby mamas! SMH

Now that's sad, because of all of them I wouldn't have pegged her for putting up with baby mamma status.

I can't stand a pity party as much as anyone else, but I sure can't stand when other groups of women especially ww try to use the we have a hard time finding men too line. Now I know that others have hardships, but when ww start trying to make out like they can relate to what's happening with bw I want to say something, but I don't because like Khadija said fighting, arguing is not a good look. Let others defend us.

The thing many ww don't understand is that they have the privilege of white privilege, the protection of their men and hell sometimes other groups men as well.

Selena said...

You know I believe in Freedom of Speech and all,

But when will these black women celebrities just STFU?!?

Don't they understand that there are children/teenagers who actually look up to them?

I haven't been feeling Eryka Badu since her second album. She talked a lot of s*** with her coming out song Tyrone but seriously her last interview with Vibe is BEYOND disaster. I won't post the link however here's a part of what she said:

We talk a lot about things that men want. Because I want them to be happy and the more I see how the male of the species behaves, the more I understand, and the less I blame him. It’s just who he is. Is there a solution?” “Honesty is it. It will get you everywhere. Mind you, I have friends who are in polygamous relationships – they’re no more happy or sad than we are. But at least the b*tches know what’s comin’ next- Badu

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 6:37, I believe you may be correct about Alicia. It appears to be confirmed that she is preggers.

She is also rumoured to have been her fiance's mistress (Mashonda put her on blast), and assuming this is true, I think that we shouldn't be too surprised by the news.

Swizz Beatz has either 2 or 3 sons by his ex-wife and a prior babymama.

Anonymous said...

Selena, I bet Erykah is one of those chicks who condones polygamy when it's with a 'brotha' but would scream "fetish!" or "exploitation!" if the man was White and had a number of Black babymamas.

Elena Rothschild said...

If Eryca Badu said such nonsense it only shows how ignorant she is.

To think that she was born in a nation as advanced as this one and thinks so foolish is beyond me.
I can understand women in less advanced societies who depend on men for protection and subsistence thinking along these lines, but women born with opportunities and the ability to make choices in the richest and free-est land on the
planet should know better.

Erika Badu is a backward woman .

How can women love men if they do not even love themselves ?

Why is it that so many AA women don't know their true value?

The true worth and value of a woman is more precious than all the expensive gems in this entire world.
Women living in advanced socities with laws to protect them have the power to either elevate or devalue themselves.
A woman can decide and choose who she wants to father her children and therefore elevate the social status of her offspring.
Women have enormous power because men need women.

bgurrl said...

You I just came back from a family gathering. a couple of my family members said that white women get married like it's a game, because they are encouraging them to get married. She said they get divorced and remarried etc. I kept thinking these women (which they are probably exaggerating about) know the benefits of marriage. Now I understand one of my cousins she recently lost her hubbie, but the others I don't get. Most of my female cousins, aunts, etc. have been single with children including my own mother working multiple jobs, going to school etc. having to do it all alone.

Anonymous said...

sad but true bgurrl. I got married way back in 1989 and i hoped my younger cousins would 'follow suit'and get married also.... Did you know that I went to nothing but funerals in my family including my parents and havent been to ONE WEDDING of any kind --except a white girl friend of my stepdaughters......

Bellydancer said...

Culled from a free booklet, 'Why Are Black Men this way?' available for free download in May 2010

Hello Halima is this available yet?

S4G said...

Nice article ..