Monday, June 14, 2010

Looking for black women who are ready to put away bitterness and put in the effort they need

A Christian approach to a practical problem
When you look at how black women approach the issue of their dating situation you can see clear indications that they are approaching it as a spitirual issue and within a spiritual or spiritual-christian frame work and adopting the spiritual solution of 'faith' and 'hope'. The language of faith and of Hope and of believing God to turn around a situation etc etc or beliving God for a change and 'holding out for your victory' (and the whole inertia that this manner of thinking bestows on black women) is not one that is alien to black women, in fact we are reared on this type of talk and perspective.

Not suprising that when you look at how the wider body of black women approach their situation with black men, it gives off the general sense of applying this faith based approach to a practical problem...particularly the wait bit, the endless waiting and doing nothting practical to alleviate the situation. To me it falls in line with faith approach that is a staple in bw mindset. Faith based solutions to their issues and problems, even if bw are not realising it on a conscious level, are very popular and readily grasped by the black female populace for addressing anything from health problems to practical problem of gender number imbalance in dating whuch would be better served in a clear and straight forward practical way eg, move, expanding dating horizon, etc.

'Waiting on and believing God for a turn around of the situation', 'holding out (for victory)', 'never giving up etc,' maybe 'taking it to the lord in prayer' all these are clearly evidenced in the way black women repsond and are straight from the faith talk rule book. Now there is a long history of the use of a spiritual/christian approach within black culture. However a clear question here is, how does the black woman not adjuting to the current dating reality, but simply ‘trusting God’ (possibly wanting God to make things to go back to how they were with black men 30 years ago), constitiute a 'reasonable response' to their situation, that will bring them a desired outcome. How does ‘taking it to the lord in prayer’, help especially when God himself is no respector of persons and probably knows he has made enough provision for black women seeking mates, black women who however prefer to put God in a 'box' and confine God's response to fidning them a man who is black only. Indeed was it not Peter who was instructed to choose his fare from the whole range of animals (symbolic for taking the gospel to all of humanity), and told that 'what God had made clean, no one should call unclean'?

Indeed looking at the reaction and behaviour of black women especially those of the christian tradition, you would think white men are not also 'washed by the blood' as the next black person, an erroneous and unchristian belief which they will pay a high price for holding unto. As someone once said, 'God will not bless your mess!'

Adapt or Die
Shopping on the highstreet (as we call it) yesterday, I was so suprised at how many shops were closing down or had closed down. I was also amazed at how many folk where out there in the street aggressively selling, handing out leaflets promising discounts and trying to undercut the next shop!

The message is simple, ADAPT or DIE.

The root of bitterness seems to have taken hold in many black women even those who believe they are really trying to get on with life now they see clearly what they have to do. I believe this bitterness permeates how many of them approach the solutions that they see in front of them. The endless heel dragging, resistance and resentment of the fact that they now have to 'do something', or 'adjust to the new realities,' is evidence of this bitterness. Ever since the BWE message came to black women, we have been fighting a upswell of resentment of black women against 'adapting' to their changed situation.

It seems we are dragging black women kicking and screaming into the 21st century dating reality, there is this resistance to updating the protocol necessary to secure their future, constant whinning about how unfair life is to black women (as if they had just arrived in the west and come to know racism for the first time). It just shows how much of a bubble black women have been in, really disconnected them from reality!

It is amazing that when black women where under the impression that 'black men where there for them', they were happy to 'strive' towards finding themselves a black man (do their hair, keep their junk, burn their bridges with any other man etc, go up and chat to him, steal them from others, pick them up for dates, move them into their own flats etc etc). Now black women are confronting a new dating reality they are resenting greatly having to 'adjust' and align to the new dating arena. They refuse to do anything to reposition themselves, and there is all this hair splitting over what constituets bending over backwards for white men. This I suppose speaks to the racial resentment which black women are carrying 'intact' with them into the broader dating arena.

Black women will go out of their way to appeal to black men but are (because of their still strong feelings of the right and proper ways to conduct themselves with race in the equation), repulsed by the notion of doing anything to appeal to white and other non black men.

If you live further from the well, you wake up 10 mins earlier
On the other hand, many black women who are genuinly willing to do something to secure their future, are fearful and complaining that the stakes are weighed heavily against them in the dating arena and are bemoaning their fate and wringing their hands and saying it is impossible for them, life is so unfair etc, yet to me what they see as an insurmountable situation, amounts to just having to wake up ten minutes earlier then everyone else and putting in an extra 10mins effort each day.

Is it fair? No, but who cant wake up 10 mins earlier?

The Mindset of the Extra Mile
But let me also add this, we have to be people of 'more than it takes,' and of doing over and beyond not just enough, because just enough often works out to be less than it takes, but if you do more than enough you have something in hand!

The reason why many black children are suffering and their lives blighted etc is because black people adopt the protocol of 'just about enough,' or 'I will hope for the rest.'

I believe Jesus spoke about this when he said, 'go the extra mile'. When you are in the mindset of 'the extra mile' you do not worry that, 'it might not add up'. There are all sorts of ways this transaltes into practical terms, if 1800 calories will keep you at your ideal weight, why not drop to 1750 or 1700, plan to arrive 15 mind ahead of your appointment!

 It wouldn’t kill any black woman to put in what amounts to 10 mins more effort to the day.

Articles about black women and marriage
I get tired as the rest of black womanhood about the latest 'black women are alone' article, however there is a problem with black women being alone, wether this be uncomfortable to admit or not! That a generation of black women will hardly marry and many will not procreate is newsworthy, and I'd rather the news reports etc continue, than black women be kept in the darks over the real deal.

Indeed the silence and media blackout maintained within black circles before now, has been the reason why it has reached this epidemic proportion. Lets face it, Ebony and Essence where not interested in telling black women their marriage rates where plummting in time for the trend to be arrested. No, they let the frog stay in boiling water (applying the faith approach of hoping and having faith the situation would turn around but more like burying heads in the sand). So if other folks are doing the honors then let them!

Regardless of how much I 'wince' over the articles and the positioning of black women as ...well umammariagebale, I am hoping more black women will, 'wake up' with these articles and ask, 'Why indeed am I waiting and for whom?' and 'How can I ensure I dont end up one of the statistics?'

Spilling their 'guts' for sympathy
And what is this about black women in public forums trying to explain why we are in the situation/spilling their guts to wider parties as if they care. THEY DON’T. Why cant black women get it, that others just don’t care! There is no general narrative out there in the public space that encourages ‘sympathy’ for black women and her condition, and in addition, many factions are actively working to keep the situation as it is, so that black women do not get to have any piece of this very important public sympathy, which is a currency as it can easily translate into all sorts of policy changes and redirection of resources towards black women.

The constructed discourses out there have told and taught people to not ‘stop’ and contemplate what black women are experiencing nor extend any sympathetic concern in fact, in some quatres black women are seen to be having it sooooo good, that is when they are not themselves busy victimizing the poor henpecked black man or the sensitive little white woman. It is one of the reasons why we black women are ‘kept’ in a particular uncomplimentary narrative, acting out roles that reinforce the notion that we should get no sympathy and dont deserve it. Indeed general sympathy easily translate into all sorts of practical benefits, which folk are fighting tooth and nail to prevent black women from getting.

Here it is plainly again, ‘Others don’t care about the black woman's plight, and want to maintain a situation where the wider community continues to not care or overlook black women's situation.' So stop crying and spilling your guts in public forums. Many of the other factions are pretending to be listening and in ‘honest discussion’ with you but they are enjoying seeing you upset and sad and of course working yourself into a froth trying to explain how it is, so they can show you just how little they care, and yet black women persist with the ‘explaining’, thinking 'they will get it!

No you the black women needs to 'get it' that they have no intention of ‘getting it.’

I know some black women think that they can 'let it all hang out' like other women, and that they should be free to. Well you are free to no doubt but you will pay a price so high for that.

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to:


Anonymous said...

You're soooo right!! You can't believe how many whites think that dark chocolate black women are beautiful---they just need to open up and get away from these 'color struck' negros, and get out where other women are--also, you are right about the statistics changing about 30 years ago about the availability of black men

Anonymous said...

I'm figuratively using my 10 minutes of effort to lose weight. After a 10 pound weight loss, I'll be at an optimal weight for my height. Next a wardrobe upgrade, then a nice hairdo. I'm looking forward to interracial dating. Wish me well.

Skypurple15 said...

There are so many good points in this post...i don't even know where to begin. Let's start with the wait and pray...

I was told this a lot espeically from my mother to just wait on the Lord, but in the meantime stay busy for the Lord (huh???). I don't think anyone realizes how this cripples a black girl's dating life from a young age. Instead of teaching me how to flirt, how/where to meet men, how to be respectful of myself I was told to wait and pray. You can clearly see exactly how crippling that is in the movie "The Preacher's Kid" starring former destiny's child Latoya Luckett.

I've seen these "good girls" just lose it for a guy, because they didn't know the whole story about dating and making sure you vet the man before making any plans with him.

If there was one thing I vowed to myself, is that if I had daughters I would teach them everything about dating. The good and the bad. There's no sense hiding it. That is one thing I wish my mother sat down with me and explained, instead of just brushing it off with "go tell it to the Lord".

Articles on BW and marriage...

I'm w/ you Halima, espeically where you mentioned that ebony and essence failed to bring up this statistic to their readers. Infact I'm not surprised. If you look at their past magazines they were giving the same "wait and pray" notion in their magazine. Which to me was the biggest turn off! Infact it needs to be brought up often. There is no excuse in this world why AA women have the lowest rates in marriage. But if you live in a community that doesn't value marriage it won't happen.


this annoys the hell out of me, when i hear bw crying about how sinlge they are. if you don't like being single change your situation! do what you can to start dating. Go online, go to activities in your local city, travel, take a class (pick mid-day/evening times cuz that's when most men are in class), but for goodness sake do something!

I want to add that there NEEDS to be a clear understanding of wait and pray is. It doesn't mean you don't take action. Did any of us just wait and pray to go to college, without filling out an application, doing the SAT's, getting letters of recommendation? No you didn't just sit there, you took action, turned in the application AND THEN you waited on the Lord for the school's answer.

It is the same thing with dating. Date the guy, ask the Lord to open your eyes and ears to what the man is saying and doing and ask the Lord if this man is for you. Understand the signals the Lord gives to you are not for you to fix, but for to either run or accept.

Anyway I could on and on! But you nailed it with this one Halima.

Anonymous said...

First time commenting - love the blog, this is going to be a long comment. I'm going to say something a little controversial - stay with me on this one Halima, and tell me what you think.

I think all this covergae and exposure - and even the beautiful desperate women on Nightline - is AWESOME, not bad.

There is something about the exposure that is bringing about several positive effects - VISIBLE positive effects.

1. This has been a long festering wound for black women but it was 100% invisbile and unkown to the rest of the world. My experience has been that most white men (here in the US) I've talked to in person or who blogged about this had NO idea that black women were even willing to date white men. They really believed the 'black love' stuff was universal. Now if you go to dating sites, I see a lot of SWM seeking SBF posts - people are reading these stories, getting curious and wanting to try it. I'm certainly getting hit on more, at parties, by white men. A friend of mine posted an ad for SBF seeking SWM and recieved so many responses she had to take down the ad - and she's been trying to date white men for years, psoted before, and gotten NOTHING in response.

2. Black women are being forced to wake out of their stupor. I only know ONE 'black love only' woman - all my black girlfriends are now wanting to date out of the race. This was the completly the opposite of only five years, I swear to you. It's a result of reading the statistics - of seeing it on the front of the NY Times and the Washington Post. They can't block it out any longer, or be snowed in by -" that's just your experince, white women have it just as bad." It's clear now that they're not crazy - and now a lot of black women want to date out.

3. It's having an effect on teh popular culture. Am I the only one that's noticed? Princess and the frog and Avatar was just the begainning. If you look at a some of the new films coming up for actresses like Kerry Washington, Zoe Salada, etc on IMDB - they are paired with white men, in movies that are NOT about race. True Blood is a hit show with a beautiful dark skinned women who has had not one, not two, but three white guys chasing her. The only black man on the show is gay. That stupid hit reality show 'What Chilli wants' - ended in a triangle with two white men and a young, urban type black women. It's becming more visible and 'normal'.

Anonymous said...

And one more thing - cont'd from above -I know it's embarrassing and humiliating for us, as black women, to see all our love problems out on display. But nobody talks about how it looks on black men. If you read the articule in The Economist, or the NY Times articule, or watch Nightline - the underlying narrative is clear:

"Black men are not up to snuff. Their women are great success stories, but they are failures. They're all in jail or chasing their white trophy wives. They don't even love their own women and children. Meanwhile black women are successful, 'making it', and only want faithful husbands and fathers. Oh those poor women. . . . . ."

Now, if I were a black man, I would not be happy with this portrayal. IT MAKES US LOOK LIKE SAD VICTIMS, BUT IT MAKES BLACK MEN LOOK LIKE DEMONS IN HUMAN FORM. If I had to choose, I'd rather be the victim in this secenario. I've been shocked to read some of the website comments to these stories - people of all races, for the first time feeling sorry for black women? Saying that we desreve better? Sympathy instead of scorn and ridicule? A little sympathy is not such a bad thing, folks - God knows we deserve it.

Yesterday, in the hour it took for me to walk to the supermarket and walk home, I saw FOUR bw/wm couples. This was unheard of even two years ago. Maybe you would see one couple - maybe. I'm telling you, people are reading these stories and going out and changing their lives.

I'm getting flirted with more in public spaces, and by GREAT white guys - just the other day a lawyer was trying to chat me up. Maybe this is normal in Europe, but it's unheard of in the US. White guys are reading these stories about 70% of black women being single and getting bold as hell. That's a good thing, in my book.

BlkQueenBee said...

@Skypuple15 -

I think a lot of black women could use a primer on dating. And flirting.

I also think the whole "wait and pray on it" needs to be thrown out into the dustbin.

Here is an example I see every day where both of these things work together to keep black women continuously behind the curve compared to other women striving to move upwards.

Where I work, there are a lot of Asian women. I'm sure most everyone reading this blog probably saw the recent data that shows Asian women "marry out" of their race to the tune of 44%. Well, I'm here to tell you that among attractive Asian women, the rate of marrying out is more like 100%, and it is always a white guy. Put it this way: every Asian woman that can attract a white man goes for it. It's considered quite acceptable, admirable, even. Asian women are nothing if not "aspirational", and the pretty ones leverage their youth and looks to bag a white husband in order to improve their lives and get a good provider for their future children. These women see a lot of value there and they go after it. And, gurl, they go after those guys hard.

They hang out where young white professional men gather, their friends that are already in relationships with a white man bring them along to gatherings or parties where they are introduced to the brothers or friends of the white guy already in a relationship with an Asian woman, they flirt, etc. Simply put, they work every angle.

There is no waiting and praying. And, BTW, almost all of these women are Christian. But, they're not waiting for God or Jesus to deliver a husband unto them. They're going after what they want. Sheesh, a lot of these girls can barely speak English and they're getting the job done! They're marrying up!

Now, there are also a lot of black women where I work. Almost all of them single, of course. You see a lot of them getting dropped off in front of work in the morning by some black dude driving the woman's car. And, believe me, that brotha is not dressed for a day at the office, so he's probably not working.

Since I date out, and all the other black women there know it, I get asked about it. The black girls that would like to try it, or already know they're interested in dating out ask me questions about how to get started. I only date white guys (I'm pretty but dark, and I have found that white guys don't care about skin hue), so I tell them to just come along with me next time I go to something with my boyfriend, you know, something like a get-together at a sports bar or a big get-together at a restaurant or, even a party. You can meet some guys there, I say, no pressure or anything. (

Continued in next post)

BlkQueenBee said...

(Continued from previous post)

Then, they start retreating. "What would I say to a white guy?", and "No, I would feel too weird being there with a bunch of white people". Maybe this is too soon, they say. Maybe I should think about this some more, pray on it, they say.

I tell them that you talk to a white guy just like you talk to any other guy,that men are men, and besides, I'll be there, too.

Nope, too much pressure for these girls. They would rather just keep hoping and wishing for something to happen to change their lives; they don't want to take the steps to bring about change themselves.

And, let me tell you, some of these young black women where I work would be very popular with my boyfriend's buddies. They're very pretty, they're smart, they're interesting, they're funny, etc. They would be a big hit. IF I could just get them to go. And the irony here is that they say that they want to meet some white guys. They just won't act upon that desire. They are completely paralyzed by the initial uncertainty inherent in the situation.

These girls have no conversational obstacles (they speak English because they're American-born) and have physical attributes those Asian girls where I work can only dream about. And yet, those Asian chicks are kicking their asses in the game of life.

If my sisters think about it, which I think they rarely do, the conclusion is that. "I guess it just isn't in God's plan for me right now."

Hmmmm, I don't know about that. But it's what they believe.

Aimee said...

I actually saw the following quote after yet another photo at YBF of a black D-list celebrity with his white woman:

"there are REAL brothas out there who LOVE us. They are not all in jail, on the DL or on drugs. DONT BELIEVE THE HYPE. Keep thinking like that and you wont find anyone. Change your mentality. Ever heard of the LAW OF ATTRACTION?"

Yup. The Law of Attraction will bring your black prince to you! You can't make this stuff up . . .

Halima said...

Thanks everyone for your responses!

Indeed, many bw are afraid to taken on life.

I believe the 'clinging to church' and religion and doing what the church tells them, is an excuse for not being bold and courageous enough to take up the reigns of their own lives and direct it boldly. What better excuse for their fearful living than to claim, ‘I was doing what Jesus (through the church) said or expected of me!’ this to me is the bottom line of why bw are so ‘directive’ prone, waiting for some higher authority to tell them what and what not to do, then if it fails they can say well I was doing as I was told.

Many bw are whipped internally i fear, and they cling to all these rules and regulation because they are afraid to own their lives and take their decisions. Maybe they have not been equipped to stand on their own two feet or etc but the bottom line is that the way they approach their religion is a handy excuse for not taking on life in a bold and courageous way.

This is one of the reasons I feel that black women would do well to have an identity that stands strongly apart from all this religious observance and ‘churchy’ ness bw display.

All the people who we read about who have had a strong ‘faith’ and have done great things etc be they Issac Newton, Michael Faraday or etc have never come across as being so bent on church approval and clinging spinelessly to church regulation. Indeed they would not have gotten very far if they were such people instead, most had a strong inner conviction and personal relationship with their ‘creator’, which made them better scientists and truth seekers and etc. For sure they did not have to check with Pastor A or minister C for any and everything.

Annonymous I am sending you good vibes, yes 10 mins a day will be all it takes to get you where you need to be. I am still on a journey myself but sometime soon I will have the opportunity to share my story and to say that quitters never win but winners never quit!

E said...

I am just so over "the brothas" which is good because I was never feelin' them that much anyway. Too much bravado and whining about you "won't let a man be a man."

@BlKQueenBee You are spot on about Asian women. The cute ones set out to bag a provider white husband and most of them find it's not too hard. I know a couple where the woman is a Pakistani American lawyer and the guy is a Italian American law school grad cop. They are both in their late 20s. Her parents do not approve and have announced they will not come to or pay for the wedding. She is marrying him anyway. If she can overcome that sort of cultural disapproval to marry her man, then I KNOW black women can do it, too.

Most of these disapproving black families haven't done much in the way of providing anything except junk-talking. Trust, in about 5 to 10 years black women will smarten up in droves and find themselves real husbands and I hope it's not too late.

I have a friend who is an MSW. She is always saying she wants to date out bc all she dates are losers from these all-black 'grown and sexy' nights. She says she wants to go to happy hrs etc. and learn how to chat it up with non-black guys but she always has an excuse when I ask her along.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Asian Girls: they are NOT AFRAID to use the 'Standard American Accent' when talking. 'Standard American' is not regional or ethnic (even many whites dont know it) its very attractive for me as well--they aren't put down for trying to sound 'white'--but that 'valley girl' (whatever) accent has got to go ugggh

Aabaakawad said...

Practice Dates!

More on this after the commercial break.

ValeriesWorld said...

I think that when people quote, "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and wait on the Lord".
"Wait on the Lord" means standing on the word of God, for the word of the Lord is true, also you take action. You do not sit in your house waiting on your husband, because he would come that way.

Many of us need to have a relationship with the Lord, not take Pastor's opinion. What does God say about us. All the ladies in the bible, who got husbands, took action. Esther, Ruth, Rahib.

"I delight myself in the Lord, and he will give me the desires of my heart".

What are the desires of your heart. Okay, write it down and make it happen. Hakkukuk 2:2-3, have a plan for your life what is the goal

I want to get married, I want two or more children, get a vision, write down the physical aspects of your husband, where are you going to live, what characteristics do you want etc. How are you going to improve you. You take action, visit places you don't normal visit, without your girlfriends, do you have to lose weight, get your beauty treatments done, eat quality foods, and be the person,that your husband would find very attractive, wear your heels, paint your fingers and toes and wear make up. Praise the Lord for your husband, your children. Make your dream become your reality.
And when you meet him, he pleases you, don't let your brother, sister, mother, auntie, grandmother, father, talk you out of your husband, if God has shown you him, you do not need approval for everybody else.

Skypurple15 said...

Valeriesworld said....

How are you going to improve you. You take action, visit places you don't normal visit, without your girlfriends, do you have to lose weight, get your beauty treatments done, eat quality foods, and be the person,that your husband would find very attractive, wear your heels, paint your fingers and toes and wear make up. Praise the Lord for your husband, your children. Make your dream become your reality.
And when you meet him, he pleases you, don't let your brother, sister, mother, auntie, grandmother, father, talk you out of your husband, if God has shown you him, you do not need approval for everybody else.

This is exactly how Ester was able to win the King's heart. Read the story of Ester again, from beginning to end...she took an entire year off to learn what pleased the King, how to set herself apart from the other women, and how to make herself desirable. That tells you just how much an investment it is to get the kind of man you want.

Ester in my opinion is the perfect example of what a woman should do in the meantime.

Neecy said...

Halima you said:
"Why cant black women get it, that others just don’t care! There is no general narrative out there in the public space that encourages ‘sympathy’ for black women and her condition, and in addition, many factions are actively working to keep the situation as it is, so that black women do not get to have any piece of this very important public sympathy, "

I cannot agree more! the latest incident where a 17 year old Seattle teen (Black girl) was punched in the face by an officer b/c she was trying to interefere with him arresting her friend for JAYWALKING is a prime example.

Whether one agrees that she deserved to be punched in the face for her actions or not, we cannot deny what the bigger picture here is about - further devaluing the womanhood of Black women and girls by the media.

Clearly this young woman was out of line. You never get in the way of any law enforcement trying to arrest someone. but it happens all the time. And rarely do we see or hear incidents of young out of control White girls being punched in the face and further publically torn down and BLAMED for being assaulted as do Black women/girls.

This story has permeated the internet and news today. And in my belief its not really to place heat on the officer and his judgement call to punch a teen in the face, BUT RATHER to continue to push the agenda to show why Black women/girls are not worthy of and should not receive any kind of public sympathy for being assaulted.

There is LITTLE to no support or concern for this young woman. She's a freakin teenager! Granted she should have received some kind of punishemnt. But a punch in the face? And then to be BLAMED and said she "deserved it" IMO is very harsh. And I say that b/c I feel in my heart of hearts had this been a young white female same age acting as she did, the course of punishemnt would have been differnt and the RESPONSE to her being punched in the face would have been different (more sympathy whether she was right or wrong).

And of course the LIBERALS, White women and Black males (who BW typically go overboard to support at all costs) are all to eager to jump on the "oh well she deserved it" bandwagon. I didnt mention WM b/c BW do not go out of thier way to support White males.

The sentiments directed towards this young women Sounds very similar to the sentiments that Rhianna received after being beaten by Chris Brown. EVERYONE damn near blamed Rhianna. i saw no sisterhood from other non BW being outraged at Chris. But rather, many condoning his acitons and making assumptions that "oh well she deserved it"

You are right halima. BW need to stop looking for support and sympathy from the outside - IT AINT COMING ANYTIME SOON! As a BW on another forum said in response to a different topic on BW and lack of support "there will be no calvary coming to save the Black woman". So stop begging and pleading for it...

Skypurple15 said...

Neecy said...i saw no sisterhood from other non BW being outraged at Chris. But rather, many condoning his acitons and making assumptions that "oh well she deserved it"

Actually I saw it. Infact I saw more support for Rihanna in the white media than the black one. I remember CNN was on it for days and even Larry King did a segment on it (not the interview w/ Chris Brown). Then we saw Rhi-Rhi's interview with Diana Sawyer. Everyone on white media outlets were calling for Chris Brown's head. Investors even pulled away from Chris Brown because they knew white women were not having it (double mint gum commericals and other advertisments).

Of course bm celebrities nearly got smacked for indirectly supporting CB such as p.diddy, usher, samuel l. jackson, saying "there just kids/ lending their home to him for the summer".

Just recently Chris Brown has been begging his fans to call in radio stations to play his music, and also Europe has offically banned Chris Brown from entry.

and a ww at a store cussed out CB
(ignore the hater who yells smack that b*tch because he offical helped CB's career go down the toilet). Here's the video.

If anything Rihanna gained more fans. It was really the lack of sisterhood i saw from BW.

Let's also look at Whitney Houston, if anyone was rallying for her comeback it was white people. That whole story of her and b.brown was just plain sad and shows that no matter how much a bm makes chances are he's still a dbrbm.

I think we get more support than we give ourselves credit for.

Anonymous said...

I think you're right on about the religion angle. We've been taught to wait on da good Lawd. Just wait on the good Lawd....and the Friday nights keep going by dateless. I say let God work on you but also take action, learn how to flirt, etc. Wait on the lord, read blogs like yours and GO OUT THERE!

Bellydancer said...

To add to what Neecy was saying the concensus seems to be that this black girl deserved to be hit in the face but in Indiana a similiar incident happened to a young black boy and the whole community was in an uproar and this boy tried to incite a riot.
The FBI was asked to investigate and now things have quieted down but I wonder if anybody is going to bat for the black girl even though she made a mistake.
It is a double standard for black girls and black boys.

Anonymous said...

Read this:
The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely

It's an interesting article.

Icon said...

Such an important piece Halima, probably the best post I've seen around the internet in awhile.

The initial stages of grief over losing something/someone is sadness/shock/sadness/anger/bitterness, but then an important piece of coping is "where do I go from here", and realizing it's important to move on without dwelling. What do we the pathology that arises from being scorned/focused on failed relationships? Baggage.

I personally realized this myself very recently, and I'm so glad you mentioned this. Adapt or die. It's a strong message.

I love that I found black female empowerment blogs, now I'd like to see a branch of us/them start discussing beauty tips, flirting advice, femininity, how to handle hatred and cattiness on the job, how black women can improve our daily circumstances after finding out that "community" is dead, or perhaps never existed. Now, to me it's about how WE can recondition ourselves in relationships, understand what we DO want, in the love we DO want, in the life we DO want. There are many who still need the message, but many of us who've already gotten the message and are already convinced. Which is why I created a brand spanking new blog (that wasn't a shameless plug, I just am doing this personally as we speak).

"Black women will go out of their way to appeal to black men but are (because of their still strong feelings of the right and proper ways to conduct themselves with race in the equation), repulsed by the notion of doing anything to appeal to white and other non black men."

A good example for me personally is the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (I dunno how else to describe it) from being in a predominately black neighborhood in prior years, and being harassed and terrorized for doing nothing wrong. What I noticed is that I was going out of my way NOT to be approached by the wrong type of men, unfortunately, my brain cannot register "being unapproachable to some men", through body language and it taught me to practice that VERY same behavior around the men I did like.

So I'm taking a vow in progress to:

NOT focus dysfunctional men, in writing or real life.

I will NOT allow myself to become obsessed or even entertain statistics that say that I will die alone because of my skin color, or that I am not good enough...You read something long enough, you will start to believe it.

I will NOT allow myself to read depressing information constantly, because as a sensitive person, it was starting to depress me on a personal level.

What good is knowing anything you've all (BWE) spoken about if we're stuck in the house reading it, not mingling, not in the best of health, not improving ourselves on a personal level and overall not doing? Nada. As they say, knowledge without action is futile.


Pamela said...

The comments here have been wonderful. I will just add a quick point here since the subject of the Christian advice of waiting on the Lord was highlighted in this blog piece:

I thought about a couple of comments that stated when someone suggest that they go out and meet wm the response was that they would pray about it. My husband and I (and the preachers at our church) joke and say that in many cases when someone says that 'I will pray about it' they are telling you they will not do it. Sad to say in many cases that is true.

The best way to wait on the Lord is to keep stepping and living life to the full while believing for what you want (in this context a GOOD MAN for a husband). Sitting around listening to what most preachers (not just the black ones BTW) tell single women will keep them single for too long. They treat marriage as a reward for good behavior which means good service to the church. Marriage happens ONLY when two people meet and there is chemistry. PERIOD. IF you are spending every free moment in the church house you will NEVER meet anyone. Decisions have to be made as to how to proceed to get that done. No one can do that for you.

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