A Christian approach to a practical problem
When you look at how black women approach the issue of their dating situation you can see clear indications that they are approaching it as a spitirual issue and within a spiritual or spiritual-christian frame work and adopting the spiritual solution of 'faith' and 'hope'. The language of faith and of Hope and of believing God to turn around a situation etc etc or beliving God for a change and 'holding out for your victory' (and the whole inertia that this manner of thinking bestows on black women) is not one that is alien to black women, in fact we are reared on this type of talk and perspective.
Not suprising that when you look at how the wider body of black women approach their situation with black men, it gives off the general sense of applying this faith based approach to a practical problem...particularly the wait bit, the endless waiting and doing nothting practical to alleviate the situation. To me it falls in line with faith approach that is a staple in bw mindset. Faith based solutions to their issues and problems, even if bw are not realising it on a conscious level, are very popular and readily grasped by the black female populace for addressing anything from health problems to practical problem of gender number imbalance in dating whuch would be better served in a clear and straight forward practical way eg, move, expanding dating horizon, etc.
'Waiting on and believing God for a turn around of the situation', 'holding out (for victory)', 'never giving up etc,' maybe 'taking it to the lord in prayer' all these are clearly evidenced in the way black women repsond and are straight from the faith talk rule book. Now there is a long history of the use of a spiritual/christian approach within black culture. However a clear question here is, how does the black woman not adjuting to the current dating reality, but simply ‘trusting God’ (possibly wanting God to make things to go back to how they were with black men 30 years ago), constitiute a 'reasonable response' to their situation, that will bring them a desired outcome. How does ‘taking it to the lord in prayer’, help especially when God himself is no respector of persons and probably knows he has made enough provision for black women seeking mates, black women who however prefer to put God in a 'box' and confine God's response to fidning them a man who is black only. Indeed was it not Peter who was instructed to choose his fare from the whole range of animals (symbolic for taking the gospel to all of humanity), and told that 'what God had made clean, no one should call unclean'?
Indeed looking at the reaction and behaviour of black women especially those of the christian tradition, you would think white men are not also 'washed by the blood' as the next black person, an erroneous and unchristian belief which they will pay a high price for holding unto. As someone once said, 'God will not bless your mess!'
Adapt or Die
Shopping on the highstreet (as we call it) yesterday, I was so suprised at how many shops were closing down or had closed down. I was also amazed at how many folk where out there in the street aggressively selling, handing out leaflets promising discounts and trying to undercut the next shop!
The message is simple, ADAPT or DIE.
The root of bitterness seems to have taken hold in many black women even those who believe they are really trying to get on with life now they see clearly what they have to do. I believe this bitterness permeates how many of them approach the solutions that they see in front of them. The endless heel dragging, resistance and resentment of the fact that they now have to 'do something', or 'adjust to the new realities,' is evidence of this bitterness. Ever since the BWE message came to black women, we have been fighting a upswell of resentment of black women against 'adapting' to their changed situation.
It seems we are dragging black women kicking and screaming into the 21st century dating reality, there is this resistance to updating the protocol necessary to secure their future, constant whinning about how unfair life is to black women (as if they had just arrived in the west and come to know racism for the first time). It just shows how much of a bubble black women have been in, really disconnected them from reality!
It is amazing that when black women where under the impression that 'black men where there for them', they were happy to 'strive' towards finding themselves a black man (do their hair, keep their junk, burn their bridges with any other man etc, go up and chat to him, steal them from others, pick them up for dates, move them into their own flats etc etc). Now black women are confronting a new dating reality they are resenting greatly having to 'adjust' and align to the new dating arena. They refuse to do anything to reposition themselves, and there is all this hair splitting over what constituets bending over backwards for white men. This I suppose speaks to the racial resentment which black women are carrying 'intact' with them into the broader dating arena.
Black women will go out of their way to appeal to black men but are (because of their still strong feelings of the right and proper ways to conduct themselves with race in the equation), repulsed by the notion of doing anything to appeal to white and other non black men.
If you live further from the well, you wake up 10 mins earlier
On the other hand, many black women who are genuinly willing to do something to secure their future, are fearful and complaining that the stakes are weighed heavily against them in the dating arena and are bemoaning their fate and wringing their hands and saying it is impossible for them, life is so unfair etc, yet to me what they see as an insurmountable situation, amounts to just having to wake up ten minutes earlier then everyone else and putting in an extra 10mins effort each day.
Is it fair? No, but who cant wake up 10 mins earlier?
The Mindset of the Extra Mile
But let me also add this, we have to be people of 'more than it takes,' and of doing over and beyond not just enough, because just enough often works out to be less than it takes, but if you do more than enough you have something in hand!
The reason why many black children are suffering and their lives blighted etc is because black people adopt the protocol of 'just about enough,' or 'I will hope for the rest.'
I believe Jesus spoke about this when he said, 'go the extra mile'. When you are in the mindset of 'the extra mile' you do not worry that, 'it might not add up'. There are all sorts of ways this transaltes into practical terms, if 1800 calories will keep you at your ideal weight, why not drop to 1750 or 1700, plan to arrive 15 mind ahead of your appointment!
It wouldn’t kill any black woman to put in what amounts to 10 mins more effort to the day.
Articles about black women and marriage
I get tired as the rest of black womanhood about the latest 'black women are alone' article, however there is a problem with black women being alone, wether this be uncomfortable to admit or not! That a generation of black women will hardly marry and many will not procreate is newsworthy, and I'd rather the news reports etc continue, than black women be kept in the darks over the real deal.
Indeed the silence and media blackout maintained within black circles before now, has been the reason why it has reached this epidemic proportion. Lets face it, Ebony and Essence where not interested in telling black women their marriage rates where plummting in time for the trend to be arrested. No, they let the frog stay in boiling water (applying the faith approach of hoping and having faith the situation would turn around but more like burying heads in the sand). So if other folks are doing the honors then let them!
Regardless of how much I 'wince' over the articles and the positioning of black women as ...well umammariagebale, I am hoping more black women will, 'wake up' with these articles and ask, 'Why indeed am I waiting and for whom?' and 'How can I ensure I dont end up one of the statistics?'
Spilling their 'guts' for sympathy
And what is this about black women in public forums trying to explain why we are in the situation/spilling their guts to wider parties as if they care. THEY DON’T. Why cant black women get it, that others just don’t care! There is no general narrative out there in the public space that encourages ‘sympathy’ for black women and her condition, and in addition, many factions are actively working to keep the situation as it is, so that black women do not get to have any piece of this very important public sympathy, which is a currency as it can easily translate into all sorts of policy changes and redirection of resources towards black women.
The constructed discourses out there have told and taught people to not ‘stop’ and contemplate what black women are experiencing nor extend any sympathetic concern in fact, in some quatres black women are seen to be having it sooooo good, that is when they are not themselves busy victimizing the poor henpecked black man or the sensitive little white woman. It is one of the reasons why we black women are ‘kept’ in a particular uncomplimentary narrative, acting out roles that reinforce the notion that we should get no sympathy and dont deserve it. Indeed general sympathy easily translate into all sorts of practical benefits, which folk are fighting tooth and nail to prevent black women from getting.
Here it is plainly again, ‘Others don’t care about the black woman's plight, and want to maintain a situation where the wider community continues to not care or overlook black women's situation.' So stop crying and spilling your guts in public forums. Many of the other factions are pretending to be listening and in ‘honest discussion’ with you but they are enjoying seeing you upset and sad and of course working yourself into a froth trying to explain how it is, so they can show you just how little they care, and yet black women persist with the ‘explaining’, thinking 'they will get it!
No you the black women needs to 'get it' that they have no intention of ‘getting it.’
I know some black women think that they can 'let it all hang out' like other women, and that they should be free to. Well you are free to no doubt but you will pay a price so high for that.
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