Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How can black women escape the Walls that are 'closing in'?

I recieved this email from a commenter. This is preview of coming attractions for black women who prefer the ostrich position.

Hi Halima, I went to a wedding Saturday and it was really amazing to see that what you have been talking about all along is becoming so evident! The groom was Black and the bride was White. The brides family consisted of her mom and dad and many other family members. The grooms family was his mom and some aunts and cousins. Well if you have been to a wedding they have the bride and grooms family seated up front and sectioned off from the rest. Just seeing the groom's mom sitting up their all alone made me feel so sad!!

I mean the groom had several groomsmen all were Black except one. Most of these Black men had White wives or girlfriends.

Several members of the guest were Black men that had white girlfriends. As I was just looking around the room at the reception, it was easy to get a sense of all these Black men sort of "flocking" around White women and just really all up in their faces, while it seemed like Black women were just second class citizen or inferior beings left alone.

Now, the grooms mother has several sisters and one of them is married to a Black man and they have been married for almost 50 years. She finally went up to sit with the grooms mother during the ceremony. That just really got to me and made me sad, so sad! There was one Black woman and White man couple. They sat in the back and it was hard at first to see they were a couple. They didn't hold hands and were kinda reserved.

Halima, how do we make Black women get out of this Fix?

How do we play the feminine card?

How do we let White Men and other races of men know we are interested on a grander platform (let the whole world know).

I think we should have a meet-n-greet to sit down and come up with some ideas and solutions for the Black women who are already on board with IR but just need help or don't know quite how to "turn the tables".

I realized that it is a lot of table that have to get turned to really let the world know we are ready to compete on a global level. How do we do that Halima? White Men are afraid to let it show. I know we are a part of the problem but they are the other part.

I know this was long but I had to get it off my chest. Any ideas and insight would be greatly appreciated.
 
Do readers have any suggestions for black women both on a group level and on an individual level?
 
It is indeed clear that years of inaction, denial and pretending not to see the walls closing in has resulted in this uncomfortable wedged in situation getting more and more acute for black women each day.
 
I am not even sure that anything can be done on a grandscale for the situation of black women in the short term because many years will be needed to repair the crazy dynamics and the damage to the image done and even being done now. However feel free to add any comments and suggestions on this one!
 
Also if you want to send in questions and concerns around bw and non-bm and their interractions for general discussion, do so to the email below.
 
Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book


Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

68 comments:

Khadija said...

Halima,

I believe that as you noted, there is probably NO group-level solution at this point. The self-inflicted damage that BW have collectively done to their image is too deeply entrenched. After decades of BW cutting their own throats by publicly engaging in coarse behavior and publicly announcing that they "would never date outside the race," it would take GENERATIONS to undo that self-damaging message on a group level.

All that's left now is for individual BW to do what they must to DIFFERENTIATE themselves from the masses of other BW. And really, in my view, we're mostly talking about AA BW and Caribbean-origin BW in the UK. African women haven't been running around screaming that they would never marry outside their race. Nor have they been running around undermining their image as feminine women.

So, an individual gameplan would be to:

(1) Make sure that your outer self-presentation is on point in terms of weight, grooming, and wardrobe.

(2) Make sure that your character self-presentation is on point---NO cursing or other unlady-like behavior (raucous laughter, etc.) in public.

(3) Make sure that your self-presentation in public is actually friendly and inviting (in a classy way). A dear friend of mine recently mentioned how BW often switch over to an asexual, closed off, and vaguely hostile demeanor when interacting with White or other non-Black men.

Halima, I don't know if a similar dynamic happens in the UK, but it's been my observation that when a BW in the US does points #1-3, many non-Blacks will assume that she's not AA. This has been my experience over the years, and the number of times this has happened to me is increasing each year. For a while, I couldn't figure out why this was happening more and more. [I'm visibly Black.]

But then I realized that as AA women further run their image into the ground, non-Blacks will increasingly assume that any normal Black woman must not be an AA woman. This is because AA women have so damaged our collective image ("Precious," the "nuthin' but a BM" cult members, the Sista Soldiers, and so on) that people don't associate "attractive, feminine, classy, friendly woman" with AA women.

Ladies, DON'T bite the people's heads off when they mistake you for being a non-AA Black person. Make that perception of being "different" than the masses of AA women work FOR you, and run with it!

Anonymous said...

Let me apologize for my long post!

1st: May I say that, as a Black woman, you shouldn't attend such ceremonies and celebrations? I'm sorry; I have declined attending "Elevations of WW Celebrations!" They do NOTHING for your sensibilities and emotional health (well, nothing POSITIVE, that is)!

My turning point: about 10 years ago, when I wanted to attend a BM/WW wedding to show that I "supported" the BM. The 3 of us had been colleagues. He and I had a good working relationship. I didn't like her at all; we never worked closely AND she was one of those "I get my nails done at a Black salon" WW. Still: I didn't want to be seen as a WW hater or jealous. Well, it slowly occurred to me that I'd be spending good money JUST to prove a point that no one (other than Yours Truly) cared about. So, I sent a gift instead of spending money, time, and emotion to place myself SQUARELY in the line of fire on THAT battlefield. Now, you do know that I've NEVER received a thank you, right? When I had an opportunity to speak with him later, I asked had they received the gift; he enthusiastically said "yes" and gushed about it. Mid-gush, he realized that I hadn't gotten the acknowlegment and clammed up. I've never heard from him since.

Can I TELL you how much I celebrate my decision not to go? In fact, I've learned since then that whenever I'm ambivalent and suspect my emotional health will be harmed by showing up at ANYTHING? I send a small gift or card instead. Let those items "do battle" for me. Queens shouldn't swing, if you know what I mean! (Sorry; though Jill lost her mind in Messence; that line is still great!)

Also: I have a brother who married a half-Black woman raised by her WW mother in "da 'hood" (where we most certainly WEREN'T raised). He and his BM peers (he has no other type of men in his world; wonder why?) WORSHIP these half-white women, who happily and completely serve these BM (because, well, RECIPROCITY). My brother has done VERY well for himself and whenever a new BM is introduced into my brother's world? You can SEE the "This is BALLIN'!!" expression on the guy's face, and it's not just because of my brother's estate and "toys;" it's because of the bevy of half-white women around. I have increasinly limited and restricted my time with them! That's unfortunate; I have three adorably sweet nieces that I've pretty much missed growing into young women; they all love me; I'm just waiting for their adulthood to enjoy them alone (vs. having to visit their home and all THAT to see them). But, I've had to do what I have to do! Forcing myself to smile and ignore the cesspools of BM sickness makes ME sick. Additionally: no one in the gathering has an allegiance to me or my well-being. And my presence there, I've learned, is a tacit SUPPORT for the status quo. No thank you!

Essentially, BW need to learn what I now know:

THEY.DO.NOT.CARE.ABOUT.YOU.
AT.ALL.
AND.NEVER.WILL.

Even when it seems that they do? They DON'T. They see you as barely human and certainly not feminine. They want YOUR support; don't expect theirs. You are a bit player off their main stage.

Just do what you can to stay AWAY. That's what I've done. Christmas, Thanksgiving, and an occasional large gathering (where the poison isn't as concentrated). DONE.

Selena said...

I know this is going to come off harsh Halima but...let the black women your reader described be...just let them be.

Those that are taking the blinders off, bring them to the fold and the rest...well you can't lead a horse to water.

I've been talking to my sister about issues such as these and she's slowly coming around. We'll discuss, she'll get angry but after a few days of marinating she's co-signing. But you know what? The only time we talk about IRR, SHE'S bringing it up, not me! I stopped sending her excellent articles like this one because her and my mother wouldn't read them. I don't know where she's getting her info now but some of the things she's saying now is coming from somewhere positive.

I don't have the time, energy or mental capacity to fight with these black-male identified women.

Selena said...

COT-DAMN Anon well said and kudos to you for sparing your sanity, self-respect and dignity.

I would've done the same thing. I'm quite sure if showed up at the wedding with a white man on your arm, folks would've lost their minds...including the groom LOL

Felicia said...

Co-signing everything Khadija just said.

She took the words right out of my mouth.

The solution lies in Khadija's latest comment regarding this issue.

I will add that the eyes are the window to the soul. When BW are communicating with WM they need to actually LOOK at them and dissolve this invisible screen/armor.

There's no need for it. Quality non racist WM (and other non BM) - which are the only men marriage minded BW need to be concentrating on these days - actually SEE the women they're communicating with. Unlike damaged BM (the majority) who view BW through a distorted racist lense.

BW can put down their protective armor around Quality non BM, relax, and just be women/ladies. Not "black" women. But women period.

If BW simply follow steps 1 though 3 they won't have any problem at all in finding a quality marriage minded non damaged non BM.

Oh, and one last tip. Many BW have the unfortunate habit of acknowledging strange negro male strangers in public. This singles to non BM that a BW is emotionally attached to the "bc" and is probably BM identified and thus not open to IR relationships.

BW need to start publicly ignoring random BM strangers. This also gives quality WM the green light.

Shan said...

Well,I believe this is all a blessing in disguise. Hopefully, this will force many black women to wake up and one by one work to change their image to become more attractive to non black men.

Black female guard dogs really do work my nerves. They need to get off their public rant of "nothing but a brotha". This makes us AA woman who are interested in other men look bad. All this does is solidify the ego and security of AA men while the AA women are being left behind. AA women have really done themselves in with that rant for years. Oh boy!! Sometimes you show them better than you can tell them. AA women who are not in the dark should just let the AA female guard dogs watch and learn.

Shan said...

I bet if a bunch of black women showed up at the wedding with their white husband/boyfriend, they probably would have stopped the wedding and asked you all to leave. LOL

Karen R. said...

Wow, this post brought up so many memories. Right out of undergrad, I had a BM friend who was a part of a campus group with me. A group of us AA students would sit up late at night eating pizza and discuss BW dating WW (this was in the 80's). He used all the old tired arguments as to why he preferred to date WW..they are more compliant, not argumentative, etc as BW. He married a WW right out of college and I attended the wedding because I didn't want him to think I was jealous, etc. He of course grew up without a father and many of his groomsmen were dating, pursuing WW. The BW that were there were for the most part date-less. At the reception, a relative of the WW commented to me about the number of BM dating WW. Her tone was "curious."

What a difference wisdom and maturity make!!! If that situation were to present itself to me again, I would pass regardless of what others would think. Speaking most candidly, in my undergrad experience, I was pursued by a couple of quality WM whom I was friends with but I rebuffed their advances PRIMARILY because I was worried about what others would think!!!

faustjc@juno.com

Karen R. said...

Part II

If you are attending an all-black church, last Sunday was your last one!!!LOL I won't go so far as to tell you to do a stop-payment on your last tithe check, but...call the bank. ;-))) From my own experience, the black church often serves to keep BW single. One of two things happens: BW are given the message that they should just "wait on the LAWD" for a mate and in the meantime they should just keep busy by "doing the work of the LAWD" which translates to free labor for the pastor, and a steady stream of income from single black women who deeply desire to do the right thing but who are exploited. The other thing that happens is that the BM predators who are wolves in sheep's clothing prey on these women. They are counterfeits but BW are fooled into thinking that "well, I met him at church so he must be OK" and these men say the right things and their only goal is to bed these women and leave them. I have personally seen it happen and I know pastors who know that this is going on in their churches but their is no accountability. These men do as they please. Find a multi-cultural non-black mega church.

Lastly, I gently and most respectfully want to suggest that BW consider getting either a therapist or a life coach. Many AA women have to undo so much damage that has been done to our psyche and our spirits. As little girls many of us were taught to take care of others first and put our needs, desires and wants last. Many of us are/were told that it is "selfish" to protect our own interests and we are instead expected to give to others, support pet AA causes and live in all-black collectives with no thought of a return on our investment. In some circles, the degree to which we put ourselves at risk for the sake of others proves how "down" we are. To make some of the radical choices espoused here will require support because whenever a BW makes choices that are in her own best interest first, the nay-sayers come out in full force!! BW need to develop a healthy sense of entitlement!!! We deserve the same level of protection, provision, etc as other women. Once BW who get it embrace this idea, they can't help but make choices that are consistent with this belief. There will be an physical exodus and an emotional exodus from the black "community" and the lives of BW will never be the same.

Karen said...

I co-sign with Khadija and the others. As a side note, I have never understood acknowledging strangers (regardsless of colour) when I am speaking to someone else.

Bottom line - you only have one life and it is not a dress rehearsal.

As I have stated at Khadija's blog (and being a Star Trek fan), this is the mission statement that I live by:

"Life, the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of my life. This ongoing mission: to explore different cultures and countries; to seek out new opportunities and new alliances; to boldly go where no AA woman has gone before"

I would wish each AA BW who is moving forward to develop their motto or mission statement with the focus on taking care of self first and moving forward. Let that mission statement be your guide and motivation to living the best life you can live.

PioneerValleyWoman said...

Commenter:


The groom's family was his mom and some aunts and cousins. Well if you have been to a wedding they have the bride and groom's family seated up front and sectioned off from the rest. Just seeing the groom's mom sitting up their all alone made me feel so sad!!

Now, the grooms mother has several sisters and one of them is married to a Black man and they have been married for almost 50 years. She finally went up to sit with the grooms mother during the ceremony. That just really got to me and made me sad, so sad! There was one Black woman and White man couple. They sat in the back and it was hard at first to see they were a couple. They didn't hold hands and were kinda reserved.

My observation:

Thinking back to wedding arrangements.

Sitting at the ceremony:

This can be more open/flexible, where people sit where they like, outside of the sections set apart for the different primary parties--close relatives of the bride and groom. The groom's family could have sat with the mother rather than only one aunt doing so!

That is what ushers are for!

And as for the one black woman with a white man, why act like they should be in hiding? It is not a good look, especially when all the bm-ww were not!

Selena said...

BW need to start publicly ignoring random BM strangers. This also gives quality WM the green light.


Thank you Felicia. This needs to be said a lot!

Lovebug79 said...

"Ladies, DON'T bite the people's heads off when they mistake you for being a non-AA Black person. Make that perception of being "different" than the masses of AA women work FOR you, and run with it!"

Khadija, thank you for bringing up this point. This hasn't happened to me personally (thank God, because I get sick of having to explain my family tree/background to total strangers). But I have noticed that if a black woman is beautiful and classy, non-blacks assume she must be mixed with something. Initially it didn't bother me if the lady was fair-skinned, but when they started asking about dark-skinned black women, I started to get really upset. Because it was clear it had nothing to with an interest in a person's ethnic background and more about the fact that they had a negative view of black women, therefore anything positive could not be associated with black women.

One guy when he found out that a dark-skinned British actress was half-Iranian, stated "Oh, that's why she is beautiful". I was very upset at this comment and others explained to him that the actress's physical features was not in any way different from that of many other black women and one could find women that looked like her in any black community. However, the guy insisted he had a thing for middle eastern women and that explained his attraction to this actress.

Thank you for giving me a another perspective on this behavior, but I must admit that it still upsets me a lot, however, I won't bite anyone's head off. I don't think I will ever be okay with it because I have had mostly positive experiences with black women despite a few negative experiences and therefore a negative image of black women, to me anyway, seems inaccurate and I sometimes feel the desire (which I will resist) to educate them.

Shan said...

How many of you are familiar with OchoCinco? He's a famous football player #85 who was on last season's Dancing with the Stars. Ok, well I just saw a clip of him on the Wendy Williams Show. He has a new reality show. Out of the 17 girls that he hand picked, 2 or 3 are black. Wendy expressed that she was offended because the black girls were chosen last as if they were just throwaways. Well, OC tried to defend himself by saying this: "I have a preference. Everybody has a preference. I like what I like. I am going to do what pleases me also. If you supported me before this, then you should support me now". Now Wendy said, "Well you have 4 kids. All have black mothers right?" OC responded PROUDLY, "Yes, they are black." Some women in the audience snickered and Wendy looked around puzzled. Then a clip of OC was showed being surrounded by white and hispanic women with the black women furtherest away from him.

Ladies, if this doesn't wake up a lot of black women, NOTHING WILL. It is in our face plain as day. Black men HATE black women and they exploit the hate. I am sure the women who were snickering were not black. Black men have been playing black women for fools for years and it is getting worse!! Do you think if it was the other way around and it was a black woman surrounded by white and hispanic men do you think black men would be clapping upon seeing her appearance on the show and watching it. NO WAY!! I refuse to be a black female guard dog.

Wendy should not have even had him on the show to give him that publicity. That's what these men thrive off of---the so-called jealousy of black women as they run around with non black women. Black women, wake up and compete for OTHER men and stop sitting back being made fools of by black men who see you as LESS THAN.

Somebody brews coffee every morning. Wake up and smell it!!

Anonymous said...

Have you seen the VH1 Ochocinco dating show? 15 out of 17 of the women that he is choosing from are white. I love it! I hope that the rate gets up to 50% of black men interracially married. I want to see more black women FORCED to marry out so this is exciting to me. Also, there is the T.O. show that comes on right after that. Then there is the Kardashians and Kendra. I like all of this white woman/black man publicity. It is making things more exciting for my life right now. This is a great time to be an attractive, educated black woman who knows how to use her gifts to her advantage. I love it. The way that it is being done is disrespectful and in your face but it is necessary. These negroes dont know any better...

Anonymous said...

All that's left now is for individual BW to do what they must to DIFFERENTIATE themselves from the masses of other BW. And really, in my view, we're mostly talking about AA BW and Caribbean-origin BW in the UK. African women haven't been running around screaming that they would never marry outside their race. Nor have they been running around undermining their image as feminine women.


So true...So true...

Anonymous said...

I have increasinly limited and restricted my time with them! That's unfortunate;

Same with the male members of my family under 30. But suprisingly the conversations between them and the old school black men are interesting. The old school black men cheer them on yet they dont have the same arrogance and indifference towards black women.

Anonymous said...

And as for the one black woman with a white man, why act like they should be in hiding? It is not a good look, especially when all the bm-ww were not!

I would have been kissing my man!

Anonymous said...

"May I say that, as a Black woman, you shouldn't attend such ceremonies and celebrations? I'm sorry; I have declined attending "Elevations of WW Celebrations!" They do NOTHING for your sensibilities and emotional health (well, nothing POSITIVE, that is)!"

I agree 100%! I see more and more BW who seem to feel compelled to "celebrate" BM/non-BW relationships and the BM "preference" for non-BW in order to avoid accusations of "jealousy" or "low self-esteem." The reality is that these relationships having nothing to do with us as BW, so why would we denigrate OR celebrate them? They don't merit our attention or precious life energy.

Faith said...

I like the suggestion of the therapist as well as the life coach. The right therapist will identify triggers from your past to work through them and the life coach will help you strategize where you want to go from there. Of course it' possible to find a therapist that does coaching as well. Either way forward motion is the imperative.

Most women do need help especially when it comes to dating, vetting and setting standards. It's a bit tricky for a lot of women across the board of course, but we're focusing on AA BW mostly who need to disconnect from the leeches.

Those of us who were raised to self-sacrifice (even as we now reject it) were not as likely to have been trained to navigate these interpersonal relationships. Instinct may play a good portion of guidance but we can all use solid advice, right?

We have a little less leeway when it comes to "learning curves" for those of us who want to move from good to great.

ak said...

Karen R. :

Lastly, I gently and most respectfully want to suggest that BW consider getting either a therapist or a life coach. Many AA women have to undo so much damage that has been done to our psyche and our spirits.

Exactly but I'm so tired of black people writing off therapy as if it's 'only for crazy people', as if 'it isn't going to work, or do anything', or as if it's immediately 'against God'. Such ignorance.

Look there's supposed to be a website of an association of black psychologists in the USA out there somewhere, so please don't try to tell me that there is no similar organizational body of Christian, or any God-fearing psychologists. There has to be.

Psychologists/therapists have to be objective in order to be professional so they won't just put down or argue against one's belief in God if that's how their patients feel. And if you care enough and look hard enough, you will find one who believes in God or who is Christian specifically. So don't use these excuses to stop getting the help you need.

Also I've heard black women say that everything will be alright if they just talk to family, friends, or their church's pastor instead of a therapist when they have serious or pressing issues.

And I'm like No! It's not OK to keep talking to family or even your best friends about your problems all the time. That makes you seem burdensome, life-draining, and self-absorbed after a while. Even if your friends/family always give you their time and their ears and are sweet enough not to care so much about you always telling them, they still can't always be objective and good at dispensing the better advice for you even if they only mean you well and want for your happiness. Also there's their own pressing aschedules that they have to get back to!

Which leads to talking to a pastor. Some pastors may be trained in really counseling people with even proof of their education in this regard, some may not be. Is your pastor mostly emotive and partial or are they objective? Plus, again a pastor's real job is to take care of and see to the whole of the church. The church as a building, its upkeep, as well as the rest of the congregation, and also any programmes for recovering addicts/drinkers, food for the homeless etc. type of programs held by some churches and what have you. That pastor will be busy and cannot always schedule the same slot of time with you for discussion of your pressing issues, even though as a gesture he may agree to see you to discuss them at first because he may feel obligated to help those who ask for help.

A therapist has to be objective in their profession and since you're paying them, then they have to see you once a week every week and at the time that's better for your schedule. And you're supposed to tell them whatever you want within a whole hour of one or all of your urgent or ongoing issues! When your hours up, you can start from where you left off next week as the therapist is being paid to remember where you left off and they're also paid to keep digging deeper and delving into the root of your ongoing personal issues until it comes to the surface and a resolution of the problem can be discussed.

Just don't waste your time and your money by NOT discussing all that you need to discuss, fix and resolve for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Well first, we gotta stop being 'souljas' women doin' rap is defeminizing us. Second, we need to mix with their cultures, not necessarily white, but other cultures that aren't black exclusively, I think we would be more approachable.....I knew something was wrong when I, being a black woman, being married for 21 years on the 30th havent been to ONE WEDDING IN MY FAMILY. i would know if there was one because all ive been to were funerals in that time...the old timers, with sense, were dying...sigh....

Anonymous said...

I hope the BW/WM couple weren't sitting in the back because they were scared. It kinda looks that way. If a WM wants to be with a BW, he has to have a 'thick skin' not because of whites, but because of blacks and this knee-grow foolishness

Anonymous said...

As far as black churches go, stay away from the 'Black Liberation Theology' churches (I know many black women go to them) they just preach about how good black men are and white men are of the devil.Thats one reason not to go to one-- . Go to churches who are Biblically Sound, and multiethnic.

Anonymous said...

You said it Felicia, I stopped acknowledging BM a few years ago. I reasoned if he isn't my husband and he isn't a friend of mine then I don't need to speak to him. Just walk on by. If you need time to kick the habit of acknowledging BM then a tight smile w/out eye contact will do the trick as you walk on.

Anonymous said...

Turn the tables for BW who are interested in IR? Well there are a few things I have done. First, I try my darndest to study the BW who are in these IR relationships. Thier body size, hairstyle, attire, posture. I also check out what they are doing with these non-BM. And I stay away from BC events because they don't interest me. I read everything so I stay informed.

Anonymous said...

Excellent topic Halima! Great comments Khadija! You both made excellent, excellent points!

Cammilie said...

As a young college student i have observed a lot of black males who has this kind of behavior on how great WW are, but i believe that they have be watching too much of those reruns of 'leave it to beaver' in thinking that WW are going to carter to them....'sign' *so sad* -_-;
But they have made their own beds and now they are going to have to lay in it.

Anonymous said...

I have to say, I think the comments so far have painted things a lot blacker - sadder that is :) - than they are. You asked for something concrete - well I have a few points.

1. Things are already changing. At least in the US, I'm seeing more BW/WM couples on popular tv shows and movies, musc videos, also among celebrity couples.

2. I'm seeing more of these couples in the US and hearing that from friends in several diff cities. The BWE blogs are taking over the web, there's so many it's hard to keep track.

3. There's seems to be this view that because BM marry out more, they are more respected and desirable. Well, in a lot of circles, BM's prefrences for white women are a running joke, especially when it's accompanied by a lot of 'black power' talk. They're considered the 'fat white women' of the dating world. Other races of women think 'well, when you can't get anything else, just marry a black man' . BW tend to look at BM as if everything they do and say matter. But on a global scale, what BM do and say doesn't matter as much as we think. This is important, because it means that BM's view of BW is by no means universal. I know you guys live in UK, but when I travled around Europe - WHOA - I couldn't keep the guys away. In Switzerland, Germany I just had a great experience. This feeling about BW is not universal. I've heard wonderful, terrific things from friends about Australia, Brazil - It's only two countries that have the problems - US and to a lesser degree, UK. Let's not make it a global, universal thing! It's really not.

4. I'd like to see less talk and more action. Black women are buisness dynamos. If I were a smart black women in an interraical marriage who wanted to make a real difference, I'd hold a weekly singles mixer for BW and Non-Black Men. Post a sign up page online. Every Thursday night, $12 bucks to get in, make sure there's slightly more men than women at every party. Divide by age and switch off each week - 21 -35, then 35 and over. Put out the chips and dip, and a bunch of board games - charades, monopoly, etc. Silly, fun stuff. And plenty of booze for sale. I don't know how it is in the UK, but here, where there's not many spaces for non-black men and black women to mix - It would make a mint. The BW and WM who attended would already know there was mutal attraction there.

Anonymous said...

CONT'D

4. I'd like to see less talk and more action. Black women are buisness dynamos. If I were a smart black women in an interraical marriage who wanted to make a real difference, I'd hold a weekly singles mixer for BW and Non-Black Men. Post a sign up page online. Every Thursday night, $12 bucks to get in, make sure there's slightly more men than women at every party. Divide by age and switch off each week - 21 -35, then 35 and over. Put out the chips and dip, and a bunch of board games - charades, monopoly, etc. Silly, fun stuff. And plenty of booze for sale. I don't know how it is in the UK, but here, where there's not many spaces for non-black men and black women to mix - It would make a mint. The BW and WM who attended would already know there was mutal attraction there.

5. I guess, growing up around white people and dating white guys all my life - I just think this is a lot more fixable than people who grew up in the black community might think. White people in general are not thinking about us in any concrete way, and they don't have NEAR as bad a view of BW than you think. Not NEAR as bad. I dated the highschool football star (american football). He was the envy of the school - since most BW don't date WM, it was assumed he must be 'something else' to pull me. Of course the WW didn't like it but that didn't stop him!
I can't stand her, but there are people all over the world who love Beyonce. There are always several BW in the 'most beautiful' or 'hottest' list - from darker shades like Gabrielle U and Kerry Washington to Halle Berry. People freakin' love Michelle Obama, she's great press for us all. Please belive me, there are plenty out there that think that BW are sassy, fierce, hot, etc. Guess how many Asian women are on those 'hottest' women lists? Zero. Which brings me to my last point -

6. Nothing's done that can't be undone with a little good marketing and pr. Most don't remember, but Asian women were not always considered prizes! They completly changed the US view of them - in like 15 years! It used to be shocking to see a WM/AW couple! Not so much anymore.
Beauty standards also change all the time. One of the only nice effects of those stupid rap videos is that the BW's standard shape - smal waist, large rear - is now consdidered 'hot'. Yes, it benefits filth like Kim Kardashion, but I see it benfitting curvy BW as well, like a Beyonce type. There was an articule in Slate magazine on Buffie the Body - the BW model with a huge, round rear. The author's (stupid) articule was saying how unhealthy BW's body type is. The WM comments were - UNIVERSALLY - drooling. They were cliking over to her website.

I know I might sound like a cock-eyed optomist - I've never been particulalry tied to or interested in BM, so it's hard for me to understand all the dynamics there. But my biggest challenge, by far, is getting WM to realize that I'm interested. In my experince, thanks to the 'black love' types, 95% of WM I meet don't think BW could possibly be interested in them. THAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM. We have to shut these 'black love' women up!! Once BW start to IR marry in large numbers, a lot of these other problems will disappear. Stop worrying about BM - they only matter in their own minds. On a global scale, WM, AM, HM (hispanic)- those are the movers and shakers and tastemakers of the US future. Rap music is running out of steam. I see a rise in WW/AM dating, which I think is great. On teh open marriage market BM can't compete. THEY CAN NOT. None of my white girlfriends are dreaming of marrying BM - far from it! BM are growing increasingly irrelevent - AIDS, Prison, Drugs - let's just make sure we don't go there with them, and we'll be A-OK!

It's all already happening . . . . . . . :)

That Teowonna! said...

Wow. All the posts are so long... Clearly everyone has an opinion. Gonna keep mine short and sweet. I guess I don't agree with the overall premise of the school of thought... That white men don't date black women because of our image. I believe white men don't date black women because their mothers and society have told them not to for so long and collectively, they are not very apt to buck the system. Thank you.

shimmy said...

You ladies are so right.One thing about black men is that I think they have always gravitated towards white women. Even though it was considered illegal throughout American history for black men to be with white women, there were still black men that chose to be with white women when they had a chance. As a matter of fact, the children from those unions were often free during slavery because they had white mothers.

If they couldn't get a white woman, they chose the mixed race fair skin women. These women made up for the fact that they were closer to white women in appearance. Today many black men are bypassing even mixed race and fairer skin black women for white women and other non black women.

Many non black women today laugh at black women. They know for themselves that many black men don't value us. Often times, black men join in and let these women degrade us and call us names. They will often attack us by degrading our looks and using ugly stereotypes of us.

Even the black women that have a black male boyfriend or husband is not safe. If or when they have a chance to get a non black woman, many of these men will leave and choose the non black woman once these women show interest in them. I think that is why many famous successful black men often had black girlfriends before they became famous. Some of them had children with these women. Once they became famous or successful, they chose to marry non black women. I have heard this is true of many of the black male athletes.

Anonymous said...

"I believe white men don't date black women because their mothers and society have told them not to for so long and collectively, they are not very apt to buck the system."

White men DO buck the system.

They DO date and marry black women. BUT, they ONLY date and marry black women who have their GREEN LIGHT ON.

Because of indoctrination most black women don't. It's that simple.

Black women who are friendly, and confident enough to openly return the interest and don't care what the black community thinks about them aren't having these problems attracting white men.

For more information about this green light issue...

Ladies, make sure your GREEN LIGHT IS ON!

http://interracialloveandspicebysara.blogspot.com/

And black women need to shut these "nothing but a BM" mammies up.

These stupid black women shooting our collective image in the foot are a serious part of the problem.

They need to be told point blank, you don't speak for all black women. You only speak for your brainwashed self.

shimmy said...

I want to also come back and say that I don't feel the situation is completely negative. Those black women that are open minded definitely have a pool of open minded good men around the world. I have heard black women say positive things about many of the men in Europe being interested in black women. There are also good white men in America that are open minded and not brainwashed of this negative perception of black women.

That Teowonna! said...

Actually, I have one more comment to add... I think white men don't date us, not because of our strong image, but because of the black man's strong image. I think many of them do not believe they could ever 'measure up' to the black men whose physical features we've sang the praises of so loudly; therefore they don't even try. That's all.

Khadija said...

Lovebug79,

Well, that's the end result of the consistently unattractive (in so many ways) image that so many BW have established over the past few decades.

What we forget is that non-Blacks have no real incentive for trying to figure out anything about us. Many of us seem to assume that non-Black others are going to do research projects to try to figure us out. They're not. They're going to go with whatever mass impression that BW have been projecting to the outer world for the past 30 years. That mass impression has consistently been:

(1) "AA women are crude." Our increasingly coarse public behavior.

(2) "AA women are mostly childhood victims of sexual abuse and other traumas." "Precious," Oprah, and the legions of AA women who publicly engage in "therapy talk" about their personal traumas.

(3) "AA women are ONLY interested in dating BM" The loud, UN-contradicted by other BW public announcements from the legions of "nuthin' but a BM" AA women. PLUS the general emotionally closed-off, vaguely hostile armor that many AA women put on when they're in non-Black arenas.

(4) "AA women have NO options other than BM" Which is the way that all these public conversations about AA women's lives are framed. People almost never mentioned the simple answer of marrying out during the past few DECADES of "AA BM are an endangered species---woe to AA women because their lives depend upon BM" tv specials, news stories, reports, etc.

THIS is how AA women as a collective have been marketing themselves for the past 30 years! It's not a good look. And now we're reaping the poison fruit of all of this.

Non-Black others are going to assume that most AA women are not interested in socializing with them on any level. They're not going to go beneath the surface. Or take undue risks to try to reach out to us socially.

And most AA women have remained silent when the "nuthin' but a BM" cult members made these pronouncements. So, it's on AA women that we collectively allowed the mass perception that it's a waste of time for non-Black others to try to befriend us to become entrenched.

Meanwhile, the masses of BM never really made those sorts of public pronouncements. Nor do BM act "closed off" when they're in non-Black arenas. Most modern AA men are grinning and skinning at the non-Black others who are around them at work, etc. Unlike foolish AA women, BM always kept their social options open. Even when these BM were talking that (fake) Black militant talk.
***********************************

On another note:

Halima said, "Do readers have any suggestions for black women both on a group level and on an individual level?"

In other words, she asked for answers, but yet a lot of folks are not answering the question by providing solutions. Instead, they're venting about BM. That's not providing an answer.

Anonymous said...

"Actually, I have one more comment to add... I think white men don't date us, not because of our strong image,"

White men DO date and they DO marry and create families with CERTAIN BW. And confident WM aren't intimidated by racist stereotypical lies about BM.

If an individual BW isn't coming across as strong, quality non bm in the global village WILL respond positively.

This is a fact.

Bellydancer said...

I do think that black women need to get away from black areas and events and add more non black friends to their mix. They can start by looking in the free newspapers that every city has and look at events that cater to a general public and attend it.
Find one place outside the all black neighborhood and go weekly even if it's a grocery store, book store etc...
If they are scared to go by themselves then ask a friend, who knows she may want to get out of the hood also.

GoldenAh said...

I don't want to sound cold, but dating a white guy isn't that hard. You show interest, they come running. Anyone who speaks that they aren't interested in black women doesn't know what they are talking about - or seriously lacks the ability to attract a man.

White men aren't worried about black men either. Black men's mythical superior swagger only exists in the minds of bedazzled black women, and self-worshiping black men.

The question I used to be asked in the past was: "Do black women like white men?" They wondered because black women are extremely hostile to them. They honestly think the majority of us hate them. And the way a lot of us obsess over negroes, I'm not surprised they think this way.

I second and third the therapist recommendation, or to let these women be. Some black women are still in mourning over their loss of black men: ya'll can't let it go. In order to date non-black men you will have to go through those important steps of grieving.

But that's up to the ladies, no solution will work unless they are willing to do something about it.

Props to Anonymous @1:59 PM for avoiding that wedding. I agree: let your gifts speak for you.

If anyone is serious about letting white guys know you are interested: completely get out of black environments, get interested in what white men like, and make friends first. They'll come around.

PioneerValleyWoman said...

Adding on to Khadija's comments regarding self-presentation and one's comportment--looks and behavior: making sure that one gives off the "feminine lady vibe" corresponds with recognizing only the men who have the complementary "masculine gentleman vibe," those men who present themselves in a way that embodies healthy masculinity as well as those who offer the four c's you and Khadija spoke of: courtesy, concern, consideration, and concessions.

It is about recognizing it, accepting it and encouraging it by that recognition and acceptance!

Felicia said...

....I don't want to sound cold, but dating a white guy isn't that hard. You show interest, they come running. Anyone who speaks that they aren't interested in black women doesn't know what they are talking about - or seriously lacks the ability to attract a man....

....White men aren't worried about black men either. Black men's mythical superior swagger only exists in the minds of bedazzled black women, and self-worshiping black men....

....If anyone is serious about letting white guys know you are interested: completely get out of black environments, get interested in what white men like, and make friends first. They'll come around....


Thank you so much for stating this truth GoldenAh.

Anonymous said...

Hey - I made the crazy long comment from before, with several points, about how things aren't as awful as some woman here seem to think.

I agree 100% with GoldenAh and Kadijah - honestly guys, I've dated WM all my life - it's not brain surgery kids. It's really not. They are the most likely to want to date out. If we were talking about Asian men - it would be a diff. story but WHITE MEN! Please! The are the orginal swirlers - the swirl pioneers - anything different - they LOVE it. And what they do, other men will follow.

Khadija said this:

"Ladies, make sure your GREEN LIGHT IS ON!

http://interracialloveandspicebysara.blogspot.com/

And black women need to shut these "nothing but a BM" mammies up.

These stupid black women shooting our collective image in the foot are a serious part of the problem.

They need to be told point blank, you don't speak for all black women. You only speak for your brainwashed self. "

DID ANY OF THE WOMEN ON HERE READ THIS?? This cannot be stressed enough - all this focus on BM is unproductive. NOBODY cares about BM but BW - seriuosly, outside of the BC, BM are not worshipped like they are inside in BC. The biggest problem is our fellow BW right now. I was listening to a show on public radio - they are now having a 'black marriage' day to encourage 'black love' and there were all these stupid BW begging BM to 'come home' on the radio - come back to us, we only want strong BM - it was sickining, I had to turn it off to kep from vomiting.

These women are KILLING our image. If you want a white man to run, just say two words - 'black love'. He will stay far away from you.

I think it would be a more productive topic to talk about how to SHUT these stupid BW up. THEY ARE THE BIGGEST PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW - not our 'image', not BM, not WW.

WM are listening to this crap and believing they are speaking for all of us.

Can we brainstorm on that? Can we demand they include women on these panels that are happily swirling?

I don't mean to be so hard on these women but it's so frustrating. No other group of women in the world do this. They must be stopped!

Shan said...

To the person who commented that older black men in the family cheer on the younger black men who date non black women, yet they don't hold the same indifference towards black women, well that is because those older black men would have been lynched for dating a white woman. You better believe that if they could date white women back then without repercussions, they would do it. The black and white races have always had a fascination with each other particularly, the men for the women. They are saluting those younger black men because those younger bm are able to do what they WISHED they could do back then.

Black women need to stop eating up this nonsense of certain black men always yelling "I love my Queens." Most of the time its rubbish because they are not sincere. If they are sincere, they would show it through actions. I lost a lot of trust in bm a long time ago. For one, if some of them show interest and you don't return that interest, they try in some underhanded way to get back at you. Those type of men are emotionally weak and makes me even more satisfied that I rejected them. OR as someone else mentioned, they will use you to help them get to where they need to be and then once they reach that status, they go look for a non black woman. These men will use you, which is why I don't trust them at all. They're the only race of men who go to look for a woman of another race once they "make it". I don't know why these bf guard dogs continue to uplift these men.

But as a another commenter commented, it is actually a blessing in disguise to see all of these bm salivating over non bw because it is forcing bw to either date out or just be alone.

Karen R. said...

One other suggestion that I wanted to add is that BW living in all-black inner-city areas need to physically move out of the 'hood. Things that are accepted as normal in these areas is extremely damaging to the spirit and psyches of BW. For example, it is normal in many all black areas for BW to be victimized and if we are not victimized the threat of being the victim of an assault or other violent crime is very real. Once I moved out of the 'hood the differences that I experienced between the inner city and the suburb was PROFOUND!!! Things that I accepted and tolerated as normal are unheard of outside of the all-black inner city. Being free from that "wall" has had a definite positive impact on my psychology health and my physical well-being.

Anonymous said...

To clear up any confusion I'm the anon @ 1:58 PM who stated...

"Ladies, make sure your GREEN LIGHT IS ON!

http://interracialloveandspicebysara.blogspot.com/

And black women need to shut these "nothing but a BM" mammies up.

These stupid black women shooting our collective image in the foot are a serious part of the problem.

They need to be told point blank, you don't speak for all black women. You only speak for your brainwashed self. "


This is a GOOD conversation taking place here. The next step is interested BW putting this advice into ACTION.

Shirl said...

What's sad is that a lot of white men are genuinely surprised to see a black women with anyone else but a black man. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We've both noted how some white men AND women's faces just light up when they realize we are together. Some even outright ask my husband how we met or inquire into who I am. Strangers do this! Just last month, we were walking past a guy at a grocery who said, "I like that" as we walked past. I looked back at him and, yes, he was smiling. I just hope one day it's not so thrilling to see a bw and wm romantically linked. PS; My husband and I met through a coworker of mine who was a white woman. I was single and in my late 20s. She said, "I know plenty of guys who'd go out with you!" And I thought, "how does she know so many black guys?" Well, God love her, she didn't even think twice inviting me to meet her eligible white, male friends!

Anonymous said...

WM are listening to this crap and believing they are speaking for all of us.


I dont think that ALL white men think that ALL black women are the same...it is quite obvious that we are not...relax...

Anonymous said...

One thing that is really sad and really breaks my heart is that so many high profile, attractive actresses are single. I think that these black actresses should have put themselves in positions to meet and date white businessmen. I notice that white actors and athletes dont marry non-white women very often not just black women but even Asian. I dont know of many high profile, handsome, young white men with Asian women. Now businessmen are a different story. Rich black women NEED to look at businessmen, educators, etc. and not men in the entertainment industry.

Daughter of the First said...

I'd like to see less talk and more action.

Kudos to this anon!!!

Daughter of the First said...

To the positive optimistic Anon...I enjoyed your comments. The Anon with the good list of what is actually happening. :o)

Skypurple15 said...

I dont think that ALL white men think that ALL black women are the same...it is quite obvious that we are not...relax...

annon.


Thank for you saying it. I thought we were past this. Let me make it clear, most wm are NOT watching shows like I Love NY or those ridiculouse reality show that makes ALL WOMEN look bad. Most men I know watch shows I never heard of or the sports channel/ the news. A well cultured man (the one you should be looking for) is not watching those crazy shows and neither should you, unless you can tell the difference between reality and reality-TV.

Now bm...they'll believe anything that see or hear. That's a different topic.

Anonymous said...

One thing that is really sad and really breaks my heart is that so many high profile, attractive actresses are single. I think that these black actresses should have put themselves in positions to meet and date white businessmen.
___

Exactly! Salma Hayek is married to a BILLIONAIRE fashion tycoon. A powerful man who's a protector and provider; she and her daughter will never EVER want for anything in this life. Though I'm happy for her, A part of me wishes it were a bw in her position. However, the Sanaa Lathan's, Nia Long's and Gabrielle Union's are to busy chasing dumb jocks and various other step-n-fetch-it negro "entertainers". SMH

Beloved said...

This clip is a testament to how mule behaviors destroy black women:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmohArXQX_0&feature=related

BW should've picked up on this eons ago.

Anonymous said...

I went out last night and I live in a major city. There were black male and white women couples all around me. That did not bother me. What bothered me is that I only saw one or two of the opposite. I notice though black women are looking better than ever and are making an effort to socialize a little more. Some seem kinda like fish out of water. Some will be fine...others are going to suffer.

I was watching the Ochocinco show today. I saw what Wendy Williams was talking about with Ocho picking the 15 non-white girls first and then just grabbing 3 black girls at the end. I am not mad at Ochocinco. I am mad at the black women who are taking part in this. When are black women going to get it? They look so pathetic because everyone knows that they are there for entertainment and are going to get thrown out. Even the white girls in the house can see that.

Anyway the type of women (black and white) that date atheletes are usually ghetto and we get lumped together. The thing is they are somewhat attractive and people forget that these are not professional women. Professional black women dont usually date atheletes...

Anonymous said...

@ Anon right above me:

I was at Artscape, a festival of visual and performing arts with my bf yesterday. I've NEVER seen so many bw/wm couples in one place! I counted more than 10! I saw this much more than I did WM/AW couples, and maybe more than bm/ww couples. Methinks a lot more BW are definitely NOT assuming the ostrich position, and are exercising their options more. It really warmed my heart and I was smiling the whole time, especially since a really pretty bw with her white bf was sitting right in front of us :). I also saw some other wm flirting with bw.

Shan said...

You're right. Professional black women don't date athletes. I've never cared or had an interest in athletes. Even when I was i high school, I rejected them. I prefer brains over muscles. And too many athletes are too caught up in an image anwyay.

Anonymous said...

I also get upset when I see all these high profile, attractive BW actresses either single, dating some athlete or stealing some other woman's man (Alicia Keys, Gabriel Union, Sanaa). Seriously, you would think with all the events and the Hollywood access, they would be able to snag a better man. White actresses are not stupid, if they aren't dating some oil tycoon or some other billionaire, then its someone powerful in the film business that will get them further ahead in their career. That's why you will find a beautiful actress married to an average looking film director.

Icon said...

Anon: "1st: May I say that, as a Black woman, you shouldn't attend such ceremonies and celebrations? I'm sorry; I have declined attending "

I agree. That time could be better spent playing solitaire, peeling onions, or even staring at a blank wall..

I mean, I don't really see the point. When I'm out, I do not generally notice the WW/BM couples until WW/BM couples start grabbing each other and making out in my presence and trying to get my attention. It wasn't until I started reading blogs that I realized this was the case for many BW out there.

Anon: "Professional black women don't date athletes. I've never cared or had an interest in athletes."

Agreed. I think professional/middle class black women are like all other women in terms of being practical when it comes to selecting mates for the long haul. It seems to be that it's not the money, but the stability a career focused man brings to the table.

IE. Most women (including myself) would date a doctor over an athlete, a teacher over a rapper, a junior level accountant over a thug, and so forth. It's only when black women mention stability and practicality in terms of settling down that someone chimes in "oh, you want a baller?" because the BC doesn't seem to be aware of *OTHER* professions that don't involve quick cash and luck. It's mainly projecting that they believe themselves that BM don't have the patience, nor the wherewithal to strive to be teachers, doctors, etc., and that in order to get a "man wit fundz" BW want rappers and other "money today, dry as an old well tomorrow" type get-rich-quick-scheme men. I've NEVER been into it. I'm not attracted to athletes or other type of brutally masculine-profession'd men. I'm not attracted to rich men either (personally), but middle class as that's the class I grew up in.

"This is because AA women have so damaged our collective image ("Precious," the "nuthin' but a BM" cult members, the Sista Soldiers, and so on) that people don't associate "attractive, feminine, classy, friendly woman" with AA women. "

This is 100% true Khadija, and an extremely important detail. In fact, I'd make the blanketed statement that attractive, feminine, classy, and friendly are the main source of female power in terms of image across the board. PS. Attractive IS feminine. "Pretty" basically means an average woman who's superbly feminine, classy, and has a welcoming/friendly persona.

Delishmish said...

Hello Ladies..

jsut a quick drop in...

This comment had me HOWLING (by Icon)

"I agree. That time could be better spent playing solitaire, peeling onions, or even staring at a blank wall.."

.......

Thanks for the hearty laugh....

Khadija said the following..

"This is because AA women have so damaged our collective image ("Precious," the "nuthin' but a BM" cult members, the Sista Soldiers, and so on) that people don't associate "attractive, feminine, classy, friendly woman" with AA women. "

.........

So true..for too many of us..but I play my feminine card to the HILT...I really do, because I enjoy being a woman..and all the delicious little things it entails...(too many to go into detail really)...recently, I was travelling partially by train in an area of the world where this is a common occurrence to get between countries..I was concerned with the size of my bag and having to get around with it but there was not one time when I had to lift that bag myself...men...REAL men, literally jumped out of the woodwork to assist me..(real men actually love to help women and consider it their duty) I would also not be afraid of asking should someone fail to assist me automatically...again, part of being a "feminine" woman (that sounds a bit strange I know.)

I also suggest every woman should develop a signature scent. Something distinctive, but not overwhelming. Yesterday as I passed a man he said something to me, and I could not understand him at first, and not sensing any danger, I further queried as to what he said. He repeated, "it was like a fragrant garden when you walked by" .....lolol
actually, it was my signature scent, blended by me....

:-)

Ladies......thanks for your time....

Anonymous said...

This is because AA women have so damaged our collective image ("Precious," the "nuthin' but a BM" cult members, the Sista Soldiers, and so on) that people don't associate "attractive, feminine, classy, friendly woman" with AA women. "

I disagree. Yes, collectively black women have a bad image. Unfortunately, there is little hope for the "clueless" sisters right now. Just represent YOU really well...

Anonymous said...

Good post and I agree. Although, I wish I could disagree.

I refuse to continue to be one of those 90% of bw. Especially since I have received this valuable information from various BWE bloggers. All of us who are reading this and other BWE blogs have no excuse.

I am still dealing with my weight issue, which I consider one of my main road blocks. However, the education part is going along well...can't wait until I walk across that stage.

a.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the idea of separating yourself from most bw because they will try to keep you situated in the b/community.

Because of that "crabs in a barrel mentality" at work I have purposely kept the majority of my PERSONAL life to myself. Why? Because too many of these women(I include my foreign born bw co-worker who should know better) love mess and they will try to tear you down or at least keep you in your place. The nerve of a bw to be different.

I am not a sterotype.

My foreign born co-worker always asks me what I do on the weekends. One of my co-workers told me that I should have lied to them from the beginning. LOL, I don't think that fast and sometimes we get up caught up in our lies.

I realize some of my co-workers want the "dirt" on me, see she isn't so special. The dirt they have is I have weight issues and I do not earn as much money as they do.

My co-workers have their Masters degrees and I am the Ad. asst. who is still working to obtain her degree. So, I supposed they want to know why I try to be positive and happy, why not? It is just that simple and by now they all know I do not have an issue with bw dating other race men.

Anonymous said...

To Khadija:

Some of these people seem to want to pigeon whole you. "I know you are a bw; however, you behave differently." They are trying to figure that one out why you are different from the every day bw.
"Oh, you are a foreign born bw."
As if all AA born bw do not know how to carry themselves and Kim K.'s of the world do as they pleased.

a.

Anonymous said...

"Make that perception of being "different" than the masses of AA women work FOR you, and run with it!"

So true. Take it as a compliment. You must be doing something right.

a.

Nina said...

Great post Halima. I have a few examples of what works in my life, and has for years, many already mentioned, but here goes.

1. I attend no predominantly black social events unless they are for my family! I declined a pool party two weeks ago. This week I'm declining a social event that I know will be full of (bitter) single bw, and bm with ww. What's the point? (The woman inviting me is a new associate and is just learning my ways. After this second decline she should understand that I'm serious. When we first met she suggested setting me up with a bm friend, that she didn't want. Seems he's tall and skinny like me. That's all she could tell me. I explained that I dated interracially and wasn't interested in random bm that she knew.)

2. As noted by Khadija, I work to present my best self, and my actions, such as declining invitations to events that don't serve me, further prove my stance and contribute to my goal of self-preservation. Often people, black and other, believe that I can't be American, because I look happy (smile freely, speak to people, skip lightly), hike, let my hair fly in the wind and get wet in the rain, listen to non-black music, avoid black movies, date interracially, am elegant, ride a bike, eat and cook a variety of cuisines, travel internationally... And I'm oh so gracious when people make the honest mistake, yet I say something like I'm like my mother and grandmothers, OR I love life, something positive.

3. I often go out alone, biking, to cafes, farmer's markets, museums, bookshops, etc. When alone you exude more confidence and leave yourself more open to meeting quality men. It's been said before, if you're with Shay and Tay and all you won't meet anyone but Qwan and Shawn.

4. Don't do things like play your music loudly, snap gum, suck your teeth, turn to slang at inappropriate times, wear trendy/tacky hip-hop fashions, get gaudy nail designs, wear extreme high-maintenance clearly artificial-looking hairstyles, wear too much jewelry, automatically assume whites are racist when things don't go your way...I've chosen to limit or end time-spent with some bw because they just didn't get it yet. That brings me down if I'm out with you and you're still blind. Even women you think should know better, don't and sadly these things must be spelled out.

5. And on hair. ENOUGH with it already!! Whites don't care about our hair, we're not aiming for bm's approval, so what gives? Ok you went natural, woohoo. Be natural then move on to the next thing and stop being so unnatural by obsessing over it! I've been natural 100 years, 20 really. Stop showing yourselves in the shower and sitting on your bed combing and putting creams and jams and jellies in your hair all over youtube. A call for a return to modesty perhaps?

I don't let men see me put on lipstick or skin oil. Why or why would I be on international youtube hair half-done, undone, juices dripping down the chin, hateful expressions while twisting and flipping and double-stranding, half-dressed, undressed...? This point deserves its own blog. Seemingly bright women too. Please let's return to modesty in all ways ladies. We should have some mystery about us, some secrets. That's part and parcel of being a lady.

Nina said...

Cont.

4. Don't do things like play your music loudly, snap gum, suck your teeth, turn to slang at inappropriate times, wear trendy/tacky hip-hop fashions, get gaudy nail designs, wear extreme high-maintenance clearly artificial-looking hairstyles, wear too much jewelry, automatically assume whites are racist when things don't go your way...I've chosen to limit or end time-spent with some bw because they just didn't get it yet. That brings me down if I'm out with you and you're still blind. Even women you think should know better, don't and sadly these things must be spelled out.

5. And on hair. ENOUGH with it already!! Whites don't care about our hair, we're not aiming for bm's approval, so what gives? Ok you went natural, woohoo. Be natural then move on to the next thing and stop being so unnatural by obsessing over it! I've been natural 100 years, 20 really. Stop showing yourselves in the shower and sitting on your bed combing and putting creams and jams and jellies in your hair all over youtube. A call for a return to modesty perhaps?

I don't let men see me put on lipstick or skin oil. Why or why would I be on international youtube hair half-done, undone, juices dripping down the chin, hateful expressions while twisting and flipping and double-stranding, half-dressed, undressed...? This point deserves its own blog. Seemingly bright women too. Please let's return to modesty in all ways ladies. We should have some mystery about us, some secrets. That's part and parcel of being a lady.

Mandi said...

One thing that is really sad and really breaks my heart is that so many high profile, attractive actresses are single. I think that these black actresses should have put themselves in positions to meet and date white businessmen. I notice that white actors and athletes dont marry non-white women very often not just black women but even Asian. I dont know of many high profile, handsome, young white men with Asian women. Now businessmen are a different story. Rich black women NEED to look at businessmen, educators, etc. and not men in the entertainment industry.

You have to be careful, because the media only shows what it wants people to see. Also remember that Hollywood is star making central. The whole putting people together etc. was more for publicity.


Exactly! Salma Hayek is married to a BILLIONAIRE fashion tycoon. A powerful man who's a protector and provider; she and her daughter will never EVER want for anything in this life. Though I'm happy for her, A part of me wishes it were a bw in her position. However, the Sanaa Lathan's, Nia Long's and Gabrielle Union's are to busy chasing dumb jocks and various other step-n-fetch-it negro "entertainers". SMH

Thank you

I also get upset when I see all these high profile, attractive BW actresses either single, dating some athlete or stealing some other woman's man (Alicia Keys, Gabriel Union, Sanaa). Seriously, you would think with all the events and the Hollywood access, they would be able to snag a better man. White actresses are not stupid, if they aren't dating some oil tycoon or some other billionaire, then its someone powerful in the film business that will get them further ahead in their career. That's why you will find a beautiful actress married to an average looking film director.

Or they are dating or married to a producer or exec as they have more power than a director. Hell the chick who was seven of 9 on Star Trek got a better storyline, because her boyfriend was one of the show runners. Gene Roddenberry used to cast his girlfriends and women he had a crush on.lol
There was a studio where one of the producers specified that his wife had to be cast as lead.

Seriously bw don't get this. If not dating just becoming friends with those who can get you somewhere etc.

Anonymous said...

Seriously bw don't get this. If not dating just becoming friends with those who can get you somewhere etc.


Amen. I was saying the same thing to a friend recently. Even if you don't date outside your race NETWORK and HANG OUT with White and Asian men. SOME Asian men are really open to black women and they along with white men have the VAST amount of wealth in the world. And they dont have to be a $40 million dollar slave to have access to wealth...