Monday, July 05, 2010

The Question Remains...

Do black women really understand the real nature of 'the black community' when they speak so affectionately of ?

I hear black women embrace 'community' with heartfelt emotion whenever they use the term, and I wonder wether these women really understand what they are claiming and embracing to their bossoms!


Expectations from the community for black women

For the sake of community you are supposed to:

  • Endure colorism
  • Be happy with less than what other women take as bear minimum standard from men
  • Let her human rights be trampled on
  • Give without expecting to receive anything back
  • Endure black male brutality and black community indifference to this brutality
  • Endure the black female blaming for whatever goes wrong and whatever action she tries to help the situation out eg OOW
  • Hide her bruises, injuries and worries
  • Put up with blatant sexism and racio-misogyny expressed in black settings including the black church
  • Put up with having the whole weight for the upkeep of black community resting solely on her shoulders
  • Deflect bitterness and anger unto other black women who are often doing the best they can with what they are given to work with
  • Stone fellow black women if her case threatens to inconveniences black men in anyway
  • Put up with being called Hos, Shortie, gold digger, dark butt, bitch etc etc
  • Carry grown men on her back and provide endless excuses for their failures
  • Cut herself off from broader and less polluted social options and situations
  • Give back till your net worth is £5 $5(oops I think the study was in $)
  • Live in dangerous neighbourhoods and not think of her own safety and survival as an important factor but embrace the high risk of ending up dead or maimed by the violence characterizing most black majority areas
  • Accept aloneness as a necessary and possible outcome of 'service' of your life philosophy
  • recieve glorification only through suffering
  • No nuture, no succour and no protection
  • Given all the responsbilitites of manhood with non of the privileges of malehood
Can readers come up with any other cons and indeed any 'pros' to add so we can see what payoff there is for clinging to the notion of 'Black Community'.


Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book


Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

20 comments:

Shan said...

What is sad is that many baby boomer mothers carried the burden of the family since the father was no where to be found. And when the generation X or Y daughters grow up and refuse to carry that burden when the mother becomes too old then she is accused of "thinking she is too good" or some other mess the family members come up with.

What I have witnessed first hand is that many black males who grow up in a single parent home led by the mother turn out to be the worst. The mothers cater to them and don't expect much from them in return. They cook for them, wash their dirty drawers, clean up behind them and when they grow up and still expect the mother to take care of them, then the mother starts complaining about him not getting a place of his own or so forth. Or they go out and look for a woman to leech off of. (No offense to any single mothers who are raising sons. This is just what I have seen first hand growing up in my community.) Now I am not putting blame on the mother because it is in a mother's nature to be that way but its also due to lack of father figure and instruction from fathers on how to be men. This is why I can't see myself mating with a black man. It's too much of a risk, at least with this generation of black males. I am speaking from my own experience because my siblings and I grew up in a single parent home with just the mother and I see how my brothers turned out, and not good either.

I am glad I found this site because I used to feel burdened, especially when one of my jailbird brothers would write or call asking for money. I felt like I had to do everything. I felt like he was preying on me and he was because I was making the most money in the family at the time. I wised up. It didn't take long either.

What I've noticed with many bm is that there is no sincerity with them anymore. If they do something for you, then they want to know what you gonna do for them in return or what they can get out of it. Depending on what it is, I refuse their help.

Pamela said...

Being called white girl if you:
(1) speak 'proper' English
(2) count past ten
(3) go for higher education
(4) want to get married and marry up
(5) want a better job, etc.

Confront them by saying, 'so being black is:
(1) being uneducated; speak ebonics
(2) cannot count to 10
(3) do not finish school
(4) sleep around and have OOW children
(5) work minimum wage jobs all your life

They will say NO I DO NOT MEAN THAT but will repeat the list when they described me as white girl. I would confront them again and say BUT YOU SAID being a white girl is.....If that is the case then the opposite I mentioned is what it means to be a black girl. There is no way around it. They would then said that I did not understand. I would tell them that I understood perfectly what they meant. Black people are not smart, do not want anything, are not educated, etc. They left me alone after a while because they were caught with their pants down and I would not let up.

CW said...

You Forgot

"Hey Ma...."

Don't you like being called "MA"? :|

Simone said...

Whnever someone besides a black woman (trifling black Negro man, black church, black politician, etc.) needs something, we're supposed to "reach into our soul and give til it hurts".

When a black woman needs something, sister, you are on your own. Times are tough and you will just have to find a way to make it work.

Anonymous said...

Pamela, its sad: id rather be called a white girl than put up with the self hate of rap (which this comes from)and women of other ethnicities wont put up with this ish. The KKK couldn't do a better job of 'gaslighting' us. ummm-um-um

Anonymous said...

I may add: IT ISN'T JUST WHITE GIRLS AS A GROUP THAT WONT PUT UP WITH IT. it tickles me that the black community calls anything that is not black, WHITE. It will take a while but we are educating these girls one at a time. Guys will do what women ALLOW them to do. Feminine rules, if used correctly AND THAT GOES FOR ALL ETHNICITIES. US INCLUDED

Khadija said...

Halima,

You said, "Give back till your net worth is £5"

I couldn't resist looking at a currency conversion site to see what the $5 (US) average BW's net worth means in other currencies across the pond:

As of today this $5 average net worth equals the princely sums of:

£3.31 and €4.00.

Hmmph!

Expect Success!

HarleyQ2 said...

Hi I have read your blog but making my first comment. Let me play devil's advocate for a second.
-Not all women in the black community have had mostly negative experiences
-The community is 'home' no matter what happens
-Even the ones who have had negative experiences, it's like an abusive relationship: you forgive the worst and remember the best
-Some women are still trapped in the community and it's hard for them to see anything different. It's like living in excrement everyday, you can't help but to give it a more positive outlook
-acculturation: when something is so imprinted in your being, it's hard to see beyond it.
* The only way for women to choice better is to see themselves as better. The only way to be better is be given choices, alternatives, addtional information to what they know and believe as the truth.

Greta said...

When you say "black community" do you mean stereotypical ghettoes? Because there are numerous middle and upper middle class black communities especially in Southern states such as Georgia, Florida, Tennesse and Texas. I grew up in such a place and it provided a wholesome environment where residents were mostly educated people. We can't keep allowing the entire black community to be defined by poor black ghettoes.

daphne said...

To add to Shan's comment and to add a finer point to the "give, but never receive" precept -

For the sake of community:

You are to take up ALL burdens of and support ALL of your family if "you've made it," with no expected reciprocation or standard psychological, emotional, and financial benefits that come with striving primarily for the family unit vs the individual.

Bellydancer said...

Some people in my family and even strangers have accused me of acting white and not caring for the black community because of the folowing reasons:

1. Eating sushi
2. Being able to speak foreign languages
3. Listening to rock, pop, and foreign music
4. Bellydancing
5. Doing yoga and meditation
6. Able to play an instrument
7. Not wearing ghetto fashions (no neon colors)
8. Not frequenting black events
9. Liking native american art/jewelry
10. Not putting up with black men's bullshit!

In other words I do things I am interested in and things that have a benefit to me. It seems if you are a bw and you dedicate your life to yourself then you are persona non grata in the bc.

Anonymous said...

I was speaking to a Dumb Black woman recently who told me that black women should not be mad at Chris Rock when he does his comedy rountines and makes movies about black women's hair. This stupid chick (who is a single mother) was not even aware of the fact that 70% of black babies are born out of wedlock. She was not even aware that she should be angry!!! sad...

Pamela said...

Bellydancer,

Add 'do not like wearing African attire' also:)

Anonymous: I totally agree it is the same dynamic as the KKK. Pathetic to say the least. I left those type of people alone long ago.

Shan said...

I can definitely relate. Black women are not expected to have a mind of her own. Her mind must be controlled by the black community. I refuse to be anybody's mule.

Karen R. said...

A sub-point to..,"Live in dangerous neighbourhoods and not think of her own safety and survival as an important factor but embrace the high risk of ending up dead or maimed by the violence characterizing most black majority areas" is if you do happen to be a victim of a crime you are asked to abide by the "don't snitch" culture of protecting predators. BW are expected to not be protected.

Bellydancer said...

Attend all black churches and get threatened weekly for not tithing the amount the preacher wants.
While your bills go unpaid.

see video
"Pay Tithes or get SHOT!"--Creflo Dollar
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JM3BWAmlXis&feature=youtu.be

Anonymous said...

Bellydancer, not all black churches have the Dollar and Price syndrome; forcing tithes for 'seed money' Creflo Dollar and Fredric Price) tho i've seen many blacks on some of the other 'faith teacher' networks. I'm starting to see that people think black churches are going into the 'faith teacher' land (which is not bibical in the long run)

Anonymous said...

What I have witnessed first hand is that many black males who grow up in a single parent home led by the mother turn out to be the worst. The mothers cater to them and don't expect much from them in return. They cook for them, wash their dirty drawers, clean up behind them and when they grow up and still expect the mother to take care of them, then the mother starts complaining about him not getting a place of his own or so forth. Or they go out and look for a woman to leech off of. (No offense to any single mothers who are raising sons. This is just what I have seen first hand growing up in my community.) Now I am not putting blame on the mother because it is in a mother's nature to be that way but its also due to lack of father figure and instruction from fathers on how to be men. This is why I can't see myself mating with a black man. It's too much of a risk, at least with this generation of black males. I am speaking from my own experience because my siblings and I grew up in a single parent home with just the mother and I see how my brothers turned out, and not good either.

I remember reading a book that talked about the idea of making a male child the man of the house when the father etc. leaves is not really a good idea to do to a child. They have the tendency not to leave, because they have and are spending their lives raising their brothers and sisters and taking care of mom. I have seen this with women who are made the women of the house when mom dies, leaves etc.

I have seen and known kids who have spent their tween/teen even young adult years raising brothers and sisters taking care of the house etc. One of my friends missed a lot of her own schooling because she had to spend time making sure the younger siblings actually went to their classes. By the time it was time for college her grades were low, because of the time she spent out of class.

Another thing in mom centered homes is that moms can bring up things like costs of living etc. for the daughters not to leave or if you have a disorder (not life threatening or can be)they tend to bring it up as the what are you going to do when this happens when you are living by yourself. I have IBS and my mom would bring this up a lot even as she was so called helping me get ready to move.

BWWM said...

When you say "black community" do you mean stereotypical ghettoes? Because there are numerous middle and upper middle class black communities especially in Southern states such as Georgia, Florida, Tennesse and Texas. I grew up in such a place and it provided a wholesome environment where residents were mostly educated people. We can't keep allowing the entire black community to be defined by poor black ghettoes.

I have gone to poor and middle class schools with poor and middle class black girls and boys. Let me tell you some of that ish is in the middle class bc as well.

Plus speak up for the upper middle etc. bp that don't see or think like this. Stop letting the ABC have so much of a damn voice. If we would have had something like this most wouldn't have used techniques so that others wouldn't know we had good grades in school.


Some people in my family and even strangers have accused me of acting white and not caring for the black community because of the folowing reasons:

1. Eating sushi
2. Being able to speak foreign languages
3. Listening to rock, pop, and foreign music
4. Bellydancing
5. Doing yoga and meditation
6. Able to play an instrument
7. Not wearing ghetto fashions (no neon colors)
8. Not frequenting black events
9. Liking native american art/jewelry
10. Not putting up with black men's bullshit!

In other words I do things I am interested in and things that have a benefit to me. It seems if you are a bw and you dedicate your life to yourself then you are persona non grata in the bc.

Have you seen those black people that will claim that Yoga is African oh correction Afrikan or Asian martial arts, Belly dancing etc. Then it makes it alright to do. Now yes we did invent rock, but we let others push us out (mostly fools like Russell Simmons) I am of the thought that it doesn't matter if black people originated rock! What are we doing for it and with it now?

BWMM said...

@Pamela


Add 'do not like wearing African attire' also:)

What I hate about AA's adoption of African attire is that it's only one part. As in one cultures type of attire as if Africa is a country and not a continent with many different cultures even within one countries