Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Q: Halima how do I get going on this interracial dating thing?

Hi Halima, I really want to get serious about getting 'hitched,' soon. I want to start prospecting my interracial opportunities, and this might sound strange and naive for a 35 year old but, how do I get started?

Self Search approach (going out, networking)
Accelerated Self Search (eg online ads that work for you even while you sleep and drives more 'tracffic' than you could ever achieve on a one-to-one personal self search approach, I add speed dating because of the volume of prospective partners you make contact with )
Advanced professional search through agencies eg matchmakers

If you are a black woman over a certain age and you know for yourself that time is against you (every one has to decided what their time scales are for themselves but you have to be really honest with yourself here), then I suggest you shell out money for a matchmaker, and then add accelerated self search and self search to the mix.

But Halima, 'I dont have the money,' I hear you say.

You are actually paying for 'time' with a matchmaker service because it could take you in excess of 2 years to move from a relationship to a marriage. How much is that time worth to you? Would it really make a difference to you if you were married in six months, or a years time. For some women 6 months difference is critical? Are you this woman. Indeed take out the old calculator and calculate how much 'months' are worth in terms of dating and marriage, you might just find that the matchmaker fees are no longer a big deal, in fact it is good value!

The self search approach is very linear ie you meet one guy, you date, four months later it's off,  you get back in the game maybe a month later, you date three months, its serious, you talk marriage, 6 months later you are married when you can get all the family to be there (you know this is just all too ideal isnt it yet this little scenerio here has cost you 1 year and 2 months). How much is it worth in monetary terms if you could possibly (I say possibly) slash the time to half that?

The matchmaker essentially saves you anything up to one and half years by matching you with men who 1)Have already clarified their desires around marriage etc (ie she/he will match you with only those who desire marriage if thats what you require) 2) Are likely working to a similar time table as you. With the self search approach, it is usual for the 'desires' around marriage to emerge as the relationship progresses and while its all well and good for things to develop 'organically' sometimes that would mean taking forever. The matchmaker works backwards from this approach.

The matchmaker also matches you with the qualities you prefer or desire which you could search years to get a good mix on.

A 20 year old I would suggest should focus on the self-search and maybe an accelerated self-search because time might not be as much as an issue and they need to grow and develope in their understanding of what they want from men (which dating teaches). With the older woman it is not much about 'learning' as it is about now finding.

Before anyone rushes off to sign up to any ol match maker I want to make it plain now that very few matchmakers out there are set up to do an adequate 'service' to black women. Its a sad fact but true (If you have any information of good matchmaker services please do drop a comment or email me so I can share these). Many just have men on their books, men who may say they are 'open' but are not aware they are really not (this is true and it happens quite a lot). So there could be a number of false starts. To be of clear use to a black woman client, they would usually have to administer a specific questionaire to find out details for starters around race and racial attitudes etc that would be meaningful around interracial dating at least to black women.

I hope this posts higlights the key message that I want to bring to black women out there, that, many of you are doing absolutely nothing significant towards your goal of marriage and family and this is another year on from the date you said you were going to be really serious about this stuff!

Wondering about Interracial dating?


I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
 

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

Online dating will help you improve your socialing skills with other race men. After awhile it will become second nature to you. You will begin to think less about the man's race and more about what he is saying to you. Keep a mirror near your pc and practice your smile. As a matter of fact a wm friend of mines would remind to be smile because it looked so good on me. People will start to notice a difference in you. I have had people say to me, "You are always smiling." Just practice your smiling and it will be second nature to you. A pleasant smile will draw people(men) to you.

lois

Monique said...

This is excellent advice. As a black woman over the age of 35 I know how difficult it is to find a QLL (Evia's acronym for Quality, Loving and Loveable) male. I started late in the dating game and spent countless years dating deranged/DBR black men.

I was damn near 33 years old before it dawned on me that I can and should date out and date WM specifically (I tell you that's some STRONG Kool-Aid black folks feed BW to keep us mules... I know I must have taken a few deep gulps 'cuz I was jacked up!!)but thanks to prayer, therapy and BWE bolgs, I'm cured :)

Now I date white men exclusively. I say affrimations everyday calling a QLL white man of good character in my life. I am on an interracial dating site, I VET men, I've joined some met-up groups that I hope will open me up to meeting quality white men and I try to keep a positive attitude.

I wish I knew then at the age of 19-20 what I know now...I would have made much different choices. But everything in good time and my time is now. I think every BW who wants marriage and children in that order, has to position herself to be amenable and available to all QLL men, including WM. It takes work and strategy and time but it's do-able and if anyone can make things happen, BW can make things happen.

Lisa said...

Halima, excellent post.

I would recommend that women visit the Matchmaking Institute site and fill out the free form. Someone will contact them with the names of a reputable matchmaker in their area. I believe Europe and Asia are also included.

http://www.matchmakinginstitute.com/index.php

Zabeth said...

From what I've heard, ColorBlind International is a great service that is reasonably priced:

www.beyondblackwhite.com/bbw-exclusive-meet-ming-international-match-maker-in-atlanta/

Faith said...

Nice kick in the pants Halima!! And true. I'll be honest, I'm taking my time because I am doing the necessary work of making myself as appealing as possible to get the type of man I want. Since I already know I'm looking for a cut above the grade, I will need to be myself. That's okay. It's why I decided I couldn't waste any more time debating that or trying to hunt and peck for exceptions. I'll reassess where I am in 6 months but the idea of a matchmaker certainly has appeal. I know a woman married interracially who was in fact introduced to her now-husband through the service, I'll ask her for the name. She lives in California though.

Anonymous said...

To Monique:

Be happy you woke up. Now go out and continue to enjoy your life. Take a girlfriend along for the company, one is good. Too many might be distracting. Remember to smile pleasantly.

lois

Anonymous said...

No offense, olorblindinternational is a little pricey.

Lisa99 said...

"No offense, olorblindinternational is a little pricey."

Well, then matchmaking won't be for you at all, because most services START at $1000. And that's considered on the cheap end. $249 for matchmaking isn't remotely close to being "pricey."

If you consider $249 too pricey... well... good luck! This might not be the path for you then.

Cassie said...

What about an advertisement in a newspaper?

My cousin met her husband through an online dating service. Really nice guy.

Also, I would suggest traveling, volunteering (e.g. Homes for Habitat), etc.

There are many options out there.

Lisa99 said...

Cassie, those are all great suggestions.

To me, the best way to rev up one's dating life is by using a multi-faceted approach that encompasses multiple options. Online dating/newspaper ads are a good idea, as is volunteering, as is going to social events.

I liked that Halima mentioned matchmaking though because it's an option not often considered by folks living in the West, and especially not in the US black community and the UK black community (at least those of Caribbean descent, from what I hear).

So while no one is saying to ignore the other options, I think Halima makes a good point about looking into a structured, personalized approach like matchmaking that could help eliminate time wasters and weed out inappropriate candidates.


Quick clarification note... I'm also the "Lisa" who posted the third comment. Just forgot the rest of my handle!

Zabeth said...

I agree with Lisa99, most matchmaking services start in the thousands! $249 is very reasonable- that's what stood out to me about their service. If this is too much for your budget right now, then start with online dating sites.

As a side note, I do give all of us here a pat on the back for at least trying because dating nowadays certainly isn't easy.

Anonymous said...

I'm not even going to waste time trying to date here. I'm moving to Europe. I might as well be in an environment where more quality men exist and where the garbage politics of America doesn't follow me. There are so many sisters in Europe with great European husbands. Cut your ties here, you are only spinning your wheels.

Anonymous said...

Nice kick in the pants Halima!! And true. I'll be honest, I'm taking my time because I am doing the necessary work of making myself as appealing as possible to get the type of man I want. Since I already know I'm looking for a cut above the grade, I will need to be myself. That's okay. It's why I decided I couldn't waste any more time debating that or trying to hunt and peck for exceptions. I'll reassess where I am in 6 months but the idea of a matchmaker certainly has appeal. I know a woman married interracially who was in fact introduced to her now-husband through the service, I'll ask her for the name. She lives in California though.
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Nana said...

@Anon
I totally agree. I'm not wasting time in America, either. European men have always been much more receptive to me.

Ever since I started traveling, they have been my preference. Maybe it's just the ones I've met, but they seem to be much more worldly than the average American. They don't carry as much racial baggage as American men, either. I'm also more physically attracted to them than anyone else, so that's a bonus.

I plan to study abroad in Madrid next semester. A black girl in my class told me to not go there because of the supposed racism. I'm not worried about any of that, provided that I'm physically safe. I'm done with restricting myself from the things I love due to FEAR of racism, when I've been enduring colorism all my life from black people. Even in some "racist" European countries, the men are more open to dating black women than anyone over here. I personally wouldn't risk going to Eastern Europe, but Western seems to be fair game.

I plan on moving to London or the Netherlands as well, immediately after college. I can't wait to get out of here.

IslandGirl said...

anonymous: "I'm not even going to waste time trying to date here. I'm moving to Europe."

I want to get out of here too. But I don't know how.
How can a black woman start a life in Europe?
Is long distance dating a wise idea?

I have not experienced professional or personal success here in the US. I too am tired of the colorism and the cowardly white men. I am also tired of going it alone, without the financial and emotional support that a husband provides.

Even if I don't find a man, I still want to relocate to Europe. Sweden, Switzerland, Germany, Norway and the Netherlands are among the places I would consider.
I am currently working on a graduate degree in chemistry but I still feel that I am wasting my life here in the US. By the time I finish it, my ovaries may be useless, as I am not in my 20s.

Last week, I told a BW friend that I would be willing to work as a maid in a European country just to get out of the US.(Of course I don't want to go abroad to do that.) She thought it was funny because she does not truly understand my frustration (she is a lesbian). She said that it would not be wise to move to a country where I do not have a "support system". But I am not European, so how can I establish a "support system" in a european country before moving there? I feel so trapped here in the US.

Nana said...

@IslandGirl
People from all over the world relocate to the U.S. all the time. It's no different for you as an American to relocate to Europe.

Plenty of European companies have websites where you can apply for a job. The interview process may vary-some might require an in-person, some over the phone. But you basically look for a job in Europe the way you would over here if you were going to move to another state.

There are plenty of jobs available for English teachers as well, though you would have to be at least somewhat fluent in another language, I'm sure.

You can't build a strong support network in another country without going there and forming real relationships with the people. I personally just want to make sure that I can live safely and comfortably and have a stable job for starters. The networking will come later.

IslandGirl said...

Thanks for responding Nana.

I know that it is possible to obtain work overseas, but I am having trouble deciding whether I should stop working on my degree and start looking for low-skilled/ low-paying jobs in a European country just to get out of America. It takes 5 to 7 years to get a pHd in my field and I just started the program 2 few months ago. That is a long time for a woman who is not in her 20s to delay trying to find a mate and start a new life. As Evia has pointed out, time is not a woman's best friend.

I don't feel optimistic about finding a mate here in the US. I don't want to sound negative, but most of the quality WM in the US are still too afraid to MARRY a black woman.I am tired of dealing with that kind of foolishness.

Dating and marriage are not the same thing and too many people confuse and conflate the two. IR marriages between WM and BW are increasing, but not fast enough for those of us who want a mate within a year or two.

Nana said...

@Island Girl
It seems to me that the thought of starting a new life sounds more appealing to you than staying here for whatever reason. There is a top grad school I'm looking to apply to in New York, but I may end up passing it up just to have a new life experience. If anything, there's an abundance of good schools abroad that I can look at.

I personally think University educations are overrated. Of course, they are needed if you want to be competitive in the job market, but what really brings you success and happiness is in your personal skills, ideas, and ability to utilize them efficiently. I hope you figure out what works best for you!

Lisa99 said...

I married an American WM within two years of dating him.

I was not in my 20s when it happened, but in my early 30s.

It can be done. By all means, travel and see the world, but if you want to stay in the US, you can find a man RIGHT HERE who is interested in marrying you.

Most of the IR bloggers are married to American WM, and Evia posts wedding announcements all the time featuring BW and American WM.

No one should put their dating lives on hold because they "think" they're in the wrong geographical place. IR marriages happen anywhere and everywhere.

Sandra77 said...

IslandGirl: have you looked into transferring/continuing your PhD in chemistry at a school in the UK or another country where the program would be conducted in english? You can still get US student loans to study abroad, if that's an issue for you. You might not be able to get a full work permit, but you might be able to find work/study opportunities that would put a little extra money in your pocket. Or there might be "under the table" opportunities for work. Since you sound like you really want to get to Europe, look into all possibilities. I'm a firm believer that where there's a will, there's a way. But you have to be proactive and turn up every stone. It's not enough just to want it to wish it. Put feelers out. If it is feasible, let you professors know what you'd like to do and pick their brains - who knows, one of them might even be able/willing to help you directly. Find out if there are other students in your program who might have studied abroad, and pick their brains. If there are foreign students in your program, do the same thing with them. Or go over to Europe and give yourself one year to work as a nanny and to learn the language (if you're not in an english speaking country), and then see what you can make happen. Exhaust all possibilities. Good luck to you, and happy hunting.

Evia said...

Most of the IR bloggers are married to American WM, and Evia posts wedding announcements all the time featuring BW and American WM.

EXACTLY, Lisa99! In addition to the bloggers, more than a few of the bw commenters on these various sites are also married to American wm, many of whom they met through online dating sites. Some bw still don't like online dating sites (for some reason), but MOST of the folks who have made them into a multimillion business use them because THEY WORK much more often than not!

Also, if I were seeking a mate in today's climate, I would most definitely use an online dating site or a matchmaker. It would be worth thousands of dollars to me to find the type of QLL man I wanted and save me time. I'd be cautious about choosing the right matchmaker, but I'd certainly do it.

But this is exactly why I post the pics--to PROVE that many American wm are interested in love and marriage to bw. There just aren't many venues where wm and bw socially meet in a relaxed way. That's a business idea right there!

I also have many pics that I haven't even posted. Felicia just sent me a whole slew of new pics showing wm and their black brides and is set to send me a bunch more. These marriages are increasing at a strong rate.

I think that bw should enter the global village for travel, adventure and ALL sorts of opportunities. BTW, McGill University in Canada is an English speaking university that I've heard good things about, and Canada doesn't have the racial strife history of the U.S.

Life is mostly a mental game. If someone can make you believe you can't, then you most likely WON'T.

Lisa99 said...

Thanks for your response Evia. I never want it to seem like I think that BW shouldn't be a part of the global village... and if a BW finds a quality mate while in her travels to other countries, then good for her! And good for BW who do move for love!

But, I also see a trend on some of the IR boards that leads one to believe -- despite evidence to the contrary -- that BW CANNOT find love in the United States. I don't want readers to take these perceptions as truth and close themselves off emotionally to the possibility of meeting a man right where they happen to be right now.

The world -- including the US -- is our oyster. There are quality men everywhere who will quickly marry a quality BW.

That's all.

I've also heard good things about McGill University in Canada as well... that might be a good place for BW to check out.

Anonymous said...

IslandGirl: "have you looked into transferring/continuing your PhD in chemistry at a school in the UK or another country where the program would be conducted in english?"

Thanks for that idea Sandra77. That may not be possible, but I will look into it. One possible obstacle is that I do need financial assistance. In my field, grad students usually work as teaching or research assistants in return for free tuition and a small stipend to cover living expenses. American universities provide this for foreign students, but I am not sure if foreign universities provide that to American students. I will never consider paying for grad school with loans because the return on the investment for grad school is way too low. Also, there is very little US government aid for graduate school, unlike for undergraduate studies, so government aid will not help overseas.

Nana said:"It seems to me that the thought of starting a new life sounds more appealing to you than staying here for whatever reason."

I think that is a large part of it. I am really sick of the US. But I know that it is better to run to something than to run away from something. People can say whatever they want, but if I am having trouble finding a suitable mate here in the US, who is anyone to suggest that I am not doing the right thing or that "Life is mostly a mental game. If someone can make you believe you can't, then you most likely WON'T."

Easy for those who are succeeding to claim that the only obstacles are mental ones. And there is no one telling me that I can't find a mate; my experiences have taught me that it is difficult to find a mate.

Some places in this country are more conducive to IR dating than others. I wanted to have a mate before starting grad school, but that did not happen. So life has to go on and I have to try to bloom where I am planted while still planning for the future. That is why I am going to school in my current location. But this area is TERRIBLE for IR marriages between BW and WM (lots of BM/WW some WM/AW).

When I tried a dating service in the past, I was told that IR dating for BW in my geographic area was VERY limited. There just were not enough quality WM who were seeking BW as mates. And online dating was also unsuccessful when I limited it to a 100 mile radius of where I live. It is pretty clear to me that if I don't do long distance dating, either nationally or internationally, I will not find a quality mate any time soon.

Nicole said...

I also want to move to Spain and have always wanted to travel. I am fluent (written/spoken) in Spanish and feel like there are so many opportunties for me but I just not in the right place right now. I want to move abroad and work/study but do have some reservations but I am doing my research. I have not had much luck with dating WM or online dating. Online dating only got me interested BM even though I specifically said I was interested in dating WM

IslandGirl said...

Nicole:...feel like there are so many opportunities for me but I just not in the right place right now.

I feel the same way. I was once fluent in Spanish 20 years ago. I don't remember any of it, but lately I have been thinking that it may be easy to relearn it with a good language program like Rosetta Stone.

I had the same problem with online dating. I guess black men can't read. I specify white men only and yet I still got responses from black men imploring me to give them a chance.

I live in an area with a very small pool of quality white men (educated, good income) and those small pool of men seem to be hesitant to marry black women. Most of the white men married to BW are not college educated (neither are the BW) and most likely earn less than $20,000/year.

I know that I have to get out of here, but I don't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

ARLYNE said...

BW should beware that BM will C-block when they show interest in WM. Many times a BW will soften and try to give the BM a chance. Whereas, they never try to give the BW a chance and feel totally justified in doing so.

They say they do not want to waste their time looking for a needle in a haystack (i.e. a BW who is not...). So, do not waste yours.

Anonymous said...

I am the Anon who spoke about going abroad to Europe. If you want to go over and get a job, apply with multi-national corporations. If you want to go as a student, check out universities in Europe. Your tuition is guaranteed to be significantly cheaper than the U.S. Check out http://mastersportal.eu.

Nicole said...

Island Girl:

Our time is coming we just have to understand where we are not congruent. Evia touched on this recently that when you say you deserve xyz but then you don't truly believe it somewhere in your psyche, it won't manifest. That is what I am working on. A slow process but well worth it. I will continue with the online dating and look into meet and greets and other activities that I know WM like and are interested in. Good luck to you. We will get there...

Anon:

The one who is moving abroad. Great to hear that! I am so excited for you! I have visited France and was an exchange student, LOVED IT!! I also have traveled to the Carribean and can't wait to travel again. My goal is Spain but I also want to go to Italy for a time. I took down the website and any other information you want to share..I am all ears!

sharonkay said...

Hi everyone. My name is Sharon and I have been reading your blogs for a few years. I am in my late 40's and thought that I would never get married. I live in the Midwest where there are not a lot of dating options for Black women. I joined an online dating site 2 years ago called Black and white singles. I met the most wonderful white Jewish man who lives in Florida. I figured that I would have to look out of state or even out of the US if I was going to find a suitable mate. Me and my friend have been talking by phone and by email for the last year and a half and have made plans to meet in person this year. I am planning to visit him in Florida for the 1st time. We have a lot in common, with the same interests in movies, music, food, etc. He has dated numerous Black women but many of them did not want to get married to a white man. Ladies, you have to open up your options and let these white men know that you are really interested in dating/marrying them. It doesn't hurt to travel out of state or even overseas. I hope that you all will find the man of your dreams. After all of these years, I believe that I have found a really good man. God bless.

Welcome said...

"I liked that Halima mentioned matchmaking though because it's an option not often considered by folks living in the West, and especially not in the US black community and the UK black community (at least those of Caribbean descent, from what I hear)."

@Lisa99 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SH9Iwc3usIE It's called Discreet Matchmakers. It's geared towards Africans. So definitely with bp it seems to be looked down or on or not considered

A good book I bought when I was in my mid 20's was

Find a Husband After 35: (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School Rachel Greenwald Not sure if the other book The Plan is an updated version.