Monday, April 11, 2011

It seems that many black women want to be 'rewarded' with a Husband

A whole host of black women think that they will be 'gifted', rewarded or given husbands due to dilligence, hardwork or 'faithfullness' particulalry in church or around black community.

I know that this has to do with the fact that most bw have a Christian life -approach and how they tend to apply this approach across board which leads to total ineffectual responses to the demands of life.This is about being so willing to be work furiously doing something totally tangent to what you want to achieve because of being so afraid to really confront what it is really that you want and strategize and work on it directly.

We've talked about something similar before and recently Evia saliently highligted the fact that many bw hide out in church to avoid developing the skills and attributes necessary to take on modern life.

In truth many bw are afraid they dont have what it takes to confront life and win. A good number of bw are deathly afraid of the world and you will note the need for hiding behind or away from the wider world sublimated into 'protestations' of being so enamoured by and with everything black or everything christian that they just dont want to be around others (self-segregation) or engage in understanding their wider world. I have said this before that when i see black women reading ardently on trains or buses, 7/10 times it has to do with christianity; it is a bible or a religious pamplet that proposes to teach them '7 prayers for victory' etc!

Am I saying that religion, faith, reading the bible is wrong? Absolutely not however many black women do not have any other frame or lens to view the world or life in general. This is very limiting. Consider that black women are purported to be some of the most 'religious' women around yet what do they have to show for their religious zeal, if not some of the worse social statistics and wealth rates. Something is indeed not adding up!

You will note that many black women would rather be in church all day and everyday spending 7 hours praying or working in church etc than spend two hours a week doing something that directly enables them meet their goal of marriage etc eg a simple online profile. They want a man to be 'given' to them as a reward for service rather than drectly take on the task of doing what will lead to that outcome, and dont forget there are so many preachers and teachers fueling this notion that, 'God will reward such faithfulness' where faithfulness is conviniently defined as toiling in little church XYZ, and giving half of your income to said church. Passgaes in scripture are pointed to as 'proof', that one need only 'pray' like Hanna, or just keep 'working hard in the house of God' (Read pentecostal church XYZ). Indeed many churches are built around capitalizing on black women's fear and lack of courage in facing the world. They manage the risk of living for bw (by allaying her fears, claiming they will provide her the teaching to smoothen the path, and also be a place where bw can run to for support which essentially means prayer) but as with any insurance broker or agency that manages risk on behalf of others, it isnt free. So black women actually expend more time and energy in attending to her needs through the framwork of faith/church than if she boldly went out there and put together her own plan for securing her wants and needs.

I remember a couple of years ago, I was at one of these church conferences that lasts days. As I was exiting the morning session I noted a young lady sweeping and clearing up. When I came back later I saw her still at work. The next day she was there again. I went up to her to commend her for her dedication and I dont know how a couple of other women joined in but I recall one of the women said something like, 'When you are faithful, God gives you what you want in fact sister ABC over there has just gotten married...' I think we all more or less agreed that God rewards those who are faithful however even then I was a bit worried about the whole notion of God sending a man because we were 'faithful' in church. But even then I could see how tempting and ensnaring an idea that could be indeed:
  • Rather than take the time to put myself together I can simply pray loads and God will send it as a gift.
  • Rather than get my self presentation right, I can attend church group meetings, clean the toilets at church (all the while talking about how God looks at the heart and a righteous brother will always be looking at the heart and for a prayer warrior anyway!) and God will see my hearts desires and grant it.

The angle of this 'supernatural reward', is a key reason why many bw continue to remain in churches were, it is physically impossible for even 1/3 to get men because these men are just not there. They are so convinced that it will come about in one of those supernatural, last minute, dont-know-how-it-could-have-but-it-did ways they are constantly regalled with in church! I once heard a Pastor note that one of his best selling series was on 'supernatural transference of wealth from the world into the hands of Christians'. No suprises there!

A similar situation happens with many black women who matyr themselves for race or undertake needless hardships 'for their people', and how they often announce these in gatherings as if to say, 'well I bankrupted myself or let myself be used etc so come on, where is my reward'!

No one is going to reward you for living a shortchanged life even if you think this was your 'swing' for your race. I am well aware that many times bw are asked to pitch in especially into some black man's scheme,with a 'vague' promise of a coming reward for black women if they continue to believe and persevere and dont give up on black men, black people etc. Once again we see how the faith/christian frame is applied inappropraitely, indeed having faith in 'my people' or 'believing a black man is promised you' is not biblically premised although looking at many black women you could get the impression it is. Many hold it in their hearts as if it is written somewhere in the new testament!

If you apply 'faith' in this way under some pseudo-christian sentiment you cannot hold anyone else or God responsible if you never achieve what you are holding out for; things God never promised.

The black woman will not be 'lifted up' or decorated with medals for living out a self-negating and life limiting existence on behalf of race. On that you can be sure!

As a black women there is no opting out of doing what you need to do to get ahead in life.  You must be effective and develop effective protocols and you must set about it now!

Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

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Anonymous said...

"The black woman will not be 'lifted up' or decorated with medals for living out a self-negating and life limiting existence on behalf of race."

I agree. You better do you now or be sorry later. Do not be afraid to mix interracially, it really is the in thing to do.


ARLYNE said...

It saddens me to see women who are stereotyped as being strong and aggressive live such frightened (of WM and the world), passive (waiting for God or the BM), and subservient (to the BM and the BC) lives. SMH

Pat said...

It's not just a church influence. The masses of black women are just clueless whether they are Christians or not. I have started the online dating and I have told my girlfriends that I have been dating white guys. These fools actually ask me when we get together "you havent cut out the brothers, have you?" I had to ask them to stop asking me about the "brothers". I dont want to discuss the brothers!

Sisters are pitiful. I would like to just change my social circle to black women who primarily want to date interracially and I plan on having a interracial mixer later this summer!

Evia said...

OMG, Halima--this church thing with so many bw is a major con INDUSTRY. It's virtually a crime organization when you look at the impact it has. IMO, the biblical doctrine has been corrupted to the max among black folks to keep as many bw in MMMSSSville as possible.

First the bc does next to nothing to prevent the pain and deprivation in black girls and bw's lives because doing so would get her out of Mmmsssville and it does next to nothing to get rid of the pain and deprivation after it's in the bw's life because that too would mean she would have to leave Mmmsssville. If you listen carefully to the message of the typical black minister, the total focus is on how to MANAGE
the pain and keep the bw in Mmmsssville LOL! The black church is PAIN MANAGEMENT--like a drug. According to these ministers, the only way to get rid of it is in the next life.

When I've debated with "saved" bw offline about this, they just can't see that. That's because they believe what they've been told which is that everybody is in pain, which is true but not in the way they think. ALL pain is not the same. Pain varies by intensity and degrees. Some pain and deprivation is relentless and deadly while some pain is merely a sporadic annoyance. BIG difference!

So bw believe they may as well stay in Mmmsssville and pray their pain and deprivation away. Pain and deprivation has been normalized to them, especially since they're "BLACK" women.

This has nothing to do with going to church for spiritual growth and believing in God; this has to do with the bc's organized religious crime organization. No one is ever going to convince me that I'm supposed to live a life of suffering and deprivation when there are all of these resources around me. No Way!

Anonymous said...

--sigh--black women are kinda pitiful---for being in church, 1/3 of us are responsible for all abortions, only 27% of us are married and 59% of us have kids by more than one man--I think the 'black churches' could be the blame, but i'm not sure exactly--what I mean by black churches, are traditionaly black churches--with (whoopin' preachers) etc.--I go to a church that has a black minister, but it is NOT traditionaly a black church, and he's is VERY BIBICAL!!

Jamila said...

I agree with you Halima that more and more black women need to get outside of the church if they want to find husbands. I left the following comment on another blog a week or two ago about the black church:

"This incongruence between blacks self-reported religiosity and their actual practice of their religion has been obvious to the naked eye for those willing to look; from an academic standpoint, black sociologists such as the eminent Robert Staples have been writing about this incongruence since the 60′s and 70′s. The following is an excerpt from an article Staples allowed to be reprinted in a book titled “Sexual Politics”:

Moreover, some of the controls on Euro-American sexuality did not exist in the same degree among Afro-Americans. The puritanical exhortations of organized religion served to effectively check much of the Euro-American’s sexuality while the black church functioned more as a tension-reducing institution and eschewed monitoring the moral standards of its parishioners. Black males did not classify women into bad and good groups on that basis of their virginal status. White men did make these distinctions and women were eligible for the respectability of marriage according to their classification in one group or the other…

All you need to do is look at the low marital rates, the high out-of-wedlock birth rates, and the large percentage of women in the church to know that what black people claim they practice and what they actually practice are not the same thing. It is entirely possible to sit in a black church in America for weeks on end and NEVER hear the pastor denounce sexual sin in the form of fornication and adultery.

As my excerpt makes clear, the masses of black folks–not the bourgeois, who tended to follow white standars of morals and values–have historically attended church and prayed in order to relieve stress; to give them a hope of having a better life in the afterworld; to provide a place where leadership roles could be attained when they could not be attained in the regular workplace; and to provide a place where blacks could feel good about themselves and be respected–NOT to provide standards of sexual morality for THIS life."

The black church's main function since slavery for the majority of black folks has been to help black people feel better and to give them a hope of a better future. While black people were being hosed down in the streets, dealing with Jim Crow, and being lynched the church may have been doing the right thing by helping blacks deal with their sorrow. However, the church has now become a place where many black women basically go die..emotionally,financially, and otherwise. If the black church is ever again to help black women again it must get back to the gospel and get rid of the self-medicating vibe of current church.

rainebeaux said...

Halima, thanks for this timely post; it's been two years since I set foot in a church, black or otherwise. I'm saving the balance of my testimony (pardon the pun) for the post you've pushed me to finally write. It's been sitting around in my head for over a year, oddly enough.

@ARLYNE: the most toxic form of irony yet. I had to drag myself out of this by force. I'd say therapy's cheaper in the long run.

@Pat: how and why do they do that, I wonder? Granted, I'm not dating now, but like you, I have no damns left to give about the brothas at this point.

@Evia: funny you mention "the bc's religious crime organization": I remember years ago--shortly after I joined this church outright--that my Pastor likened the church to the Mafia & that he had dossiers on all of us. 0_o~!

There's one thing I more or less learned the hard way since I've left:

God specializes in moving targets.

Anonymous said...

Last night I saw the cutest wm/dw couple...around here that is still a rare site. GOOD FOR THEM!


Anonymous said...

To Arlyne:

The thing is most bw do not realize they are being subservient.


Anonymous said...

To Pat:

Don't be fooled your gfs are probably more interested in wm than they wish to let on. They are probably looking at you as a guide. By all means expand your social circle, go join a couple of diverse clubs. Good luck.


Pat said...

@Pat: how and why do they do that, I wonder? Granted, I'm not dating now, but like you, I have no damns left to give about the brothas at this point.

I dont know. The funny thing is when I was out with both girls there were bm/ww couples all around us. I am actually glad brothers made a mass exodus cause the progressive sisters are going to branch out and have experiences that they would never had before. The odd thing is that one one of these girls is in her 30's and the other is in her 40's.

Most sisters have actually given up honestly. They dont realize that a woman NEEDS love (god knows black women especially)!

Anonymous said...

What does MMMSSS mean?

Great post Halima. I think many BW who believe "GOD will give them their heart's desire" wake up one day and realize they have been hoodwinked and bamboozled.

Evia, such an apt description! PAIN MANAGEMENT instead of a CURE because the cure will affect the size of the church/minister's coffers.

squarlymade said...

Halima-You hit the nail on the head! I will say though that I was trained in this vein. I didn’t run to the church trying to hide from life, but rather I was raised in church-(like many bw)and taught this while I was there). I was always being told that I just needed to wait for God to bring me the right man. As an adult I started to question, because when in life do you ever wait for something to come to you? I use to wonder would they say the same thing about getting a job-‘just wait for it’? No you have to put in applications and go on interviews.
I don’t agree with some of the comments up above making church into some place that is supposed to help to keep black woman’s legs closed. Bw are the lest ones to have sex and enjoyable sex-at that- in this country and the whole world- wide. All other groups are having sex much more(with many more partners) and much more enjoyable sex. Every statistic points to that! The reason bw’s sex leads to abortion, aids, no-husband is because they are doing it without intention and understanding (they aren’t playing their cards). Some don’t know how to play their cards and have been trained not to (here in the US) others are not allowed to and are persecuted (other parts of the world) before they even get the idea. Keeping legs closed is not black women’s problem-it may do some good, but I come to this conclusion by looking at others and taking away any common dominator-and thinking about what that would then look like. Sex out side of marriage isn’t it-because if you look at this country where you have BILLIONS of dollars that are being MADE in the SEX INDUSTRY and MOST (almost all) aren’t bw but instead ww-then sex isn’t the issue. And when you look at some places in Africa where women and girls are having their vagina mutilated in one way or another to keep them from having sex, and they are still ending up with abortions and aids…you have to conclude sex isn’t the issue. Why anybody is trying to control a bw’s sex life is obvious to me! Bw DO, however need to learn to manipulate the factors surrounding her sex life-be more intentional.
I think that is one of the ways the ‘church’ tries to keep bw in place is by telling them that they deserve what-ever lot they have in life because they ‘opened their legs’. Then the bw say, well I guess I did open my legs…guess I’m just a mule.
The difference between a bw and a woman who has happiness and success, is the knowing that what is between her legs is in part along with being feminine the most powerful/desired resource on the planet. Think about it!!! And think about WHY it is BLACK WOMEN are the ones who have been oppressed the hardest so viciously, and cruelly. Just think
I suspect someone some twisted one might try to make this into me talking about prostitution-I would say money for sex is the least of which a woman can do when she knows her value and is able to be in thoughtful control over her entire life-which includes sex.

@ pat : “I don’t want to discuss the brothers!” – LOL, I love that

Anonymous said...

LOL, ladies if you want a good laugh go to the Afroromance site and read an open letter to bw from

mathartist13 ....his open letter is so funny.


Anonymous said...

What I like about that guy is he seems to understand that more bw are dating/marrying out and he sounds a little concern. Good, finally someone is getting the hint.


ARLYNE said...

The words submission, surrender and subservient are similar in meaning. These are my interpretation of these words.

1. Submission: a choice. You go along because it benefits you. It is also a loving behavior that can be done by both men and women. You give submission to a worthy person.
2. Surrender: a choice. You give up out of the hope of relieving discomfort or as a necessity. You weigh the choices and surrender is the best choice as in surrendering in war.
3. Subservient is slavelike: You do things out of fear or compulsion. Also, you can be beaten down and forced to do something. (Well, I suppose this is also fear.) The situation does not benefit you at all. The slaves on the plantation worked to the benefit of the plantation owners. The masters could hurt and disrespect the slave, but they still had to serve.

This is why I use the word subservient.

Pat said...

The thing is most bw do not realize they are being subservient.

Yep. They are the joke to all other women around the world!

Out of Darkness said...

Great blog halima, you need to right more about black women and the church. I'm in the process of leading a christian life as well and I find church women to be a little too nastalgic. Even about things that the bible isn't against there are still extremely hesitant.

There are many christian dating sites on line that they could put up a profile and meet other christians if thats the case. The bible said to pray but also work towards your goal as well. But like you have always said they are waiting on the minister or the community to give them permission. I understand that they are many rules in the bible that we must follow......but black women/christian women can be so afraid of the world that they tend to take the " make sure your're a pure godly woman" mantra a little overboard.

I'm going to go a little off topic here but while we are talking about church women. I find not only is the husband getting issue a serious problem....but I find that talking about sex....and relations in the bedroom to be an extremely tabooo topic among christian black women and non-christian alike. I of course believe in the wait till you get married...but many black women have certain issues against ( how should I say this in a way that Halima won't think find me too lewd LOL?).....EXPLORING.....if u know what I mean. I think this could be an interesting discussion for your blog Halima....because I find that this fear actually has roots in slavery( being raped and considered sexually permiscuous
due to misinterpretations of dress) and actually goes hand in hand with some of the stereotypes that society has placed on black women and how we should view our attractiveness......I guess ever since slavery black women have been trying to acheive the "purity" of the white woman but i think we may have gone some what too far.

I do not condone Jezebel behavior but still I think black women have become soo scared about being thrown into video vixen category that even in the privacy of our own bedrooms with our signifiant other....theres still some fear or discomfort with our bodies. When being sexy should actually be a normal part of being a woman hence empowering to any woman to reserve that right.
Atleast when done in the proper way.

jacque said...

I am sorry but the only reward those poor waitin' and prayin' women are going to get is some quiet time alone....ALONE! GOD in all truth and majesty keeps sending messages like...get off your knees girl and DO something ..please!! Do many churches serving the so called black community encourage this ethic?.....NO..I say follow GOD with your eyes, heart and mind fully open. Truly seekthe best for you and you shall find...not handed to you on a cloud or nescessarily church functions

Anonymous said...

I'm a white guy who prefers to date black women, although I've dated all types.

The behavior you mention is something that I was surprised to find out about when I started dating black women and became aware of some of their conversations, in person and online. It really does seem like many have been coached to take a completely passive approach to finding a man.

A lot of black women, including otherwise assertive and confident ones, are extremely resistant to the idea of taking any sort of initiative when it comes to dating.

I am not talking about asking a man out on a date; I'm talking about much less nontraditional stuff, like approaching a man, starting a conversation with a man, flirting with a man. It seems like even these things are somewhat taboo -- they're perceived as something "fast" girls do.

This is unfortunate because I can tell you that other groups of women do NOT subscribe to this rule, and continuing to follow it undoubtedly puts black women at a huge competitive disadvantage in the dating arena.

I won't say that a passive approach never works. It's not impossible that the right man will find you and ask you out while you're shopping at the grocery store or conducting business at the bank.

But I will say that taking some sort of action will dramatically improve your odds. Posting an online profile; going to where the sort of men you like congregate; mingling, conversing, and flirting with those you find to be good prospects -- all these things are proven ways of getting a date.

It's simply amazing to me that the typical black woman has so deeply internalized the idea that she should do none of those things, and instead just quietly wait for her prince to come.

XaiXai said...

I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who said, God helps those who help themselves. God is dynamic! He appears most profoundly in your life when you take a RISK!! I was only in the black church briefly before I ran screaming into the night. The black church is the most blatant plantation system out today. Most black women in the church are hiding, too afraid to live. In fact I think the black church makes black women asexual, all the eating, and schleppeing for others. I prayed to God to get me out of the black church and left after being date raped by the pastors son. Of course it was my fault because I was too pretty, too attractive, he couldn't help himself. He actually fell on his knees afterward begging God for forgiveness. He only stopped after he noticed me standing over him with a knife. So much for the black church in my life. It was a year of hell on earth!

Halima, would you please write about the whore/virgin thing. I think this really effects AA women more so than the rest of the diaspora. We AA women have forgotten how to be women. I believe it's why African and Caribe sisters find ir success in the very places AA women are in drought. If it wasn't for Europe and Euro men I too would be just a mere husk of a woman. It's a real mind trip.


IslandGirl said...

Anonymous white man:" I am not talking about asking a man out on a date; I'm talking about much less nontraditional stuff, like approaching a man, starting a conversation with a man, flirting with a man. It seems like even these things are somewhat taboo -- they're perceived as something "fast" girls do."

I don't know if you are an American, but it is not as easy as you think. I have found that most of the time, when I flirted with or tried to be friendly with white American men, they assumed that I was interested in a sexual relationship. They want to put little effort into dating and expect physical contact much too soon. And I am an educated woman who dresses and behaves in a conservative but feminine manner. I am also pretty with a friendly face. I know other BW like me who have had the same problem.

I have, however, found that the foreign white men that I meet here in the US have a different view of Black American women (of any ethnicity). That is why I am now interested in dating only foreign or first generation American white men. I know that all American white men are not the same, but I don't want to be bothered with them anymore. They are too cowardly when it comes to dating BW. I known white men who have tried to pursue non-black women even when the woman continually and clearly rejected them, yet they are too afraid to even start a conversation with a BW.

American white men have as much baggage and hangups about IR dating and marriage as black American women and we should stop putting all the burden on BW. White American men need to step forward and be more friendly. After all, men are supposed to pursue women and as long as a woman is not sending a man a clear signal to stay away from her, the man should at least smile and say hello, making it easier for the woman to show her interest. I have noticed that foreign white men are not afraid to smile at me and introduce themselves, or even compliment my appearance.

Anonyme said...

XaiXai, I just wanted to de-lurk and say thank you, thank you for sharing your story. It seems like these church horror stories are not uncommon :(. I thank God that He gave you the good sense to get out of that hellish void, and live an abundant life!! And I hope others will read what you've gone through, realize it can happen to them, and get the F out of dodge with a quickness!!

Out of Darkness said...

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you Xai. There are many players in church. I've had my share. I can understand why you would have to leave the church because of what happened. When people like pastors kids, or any one with any high position in church does something wrong it gets sweeped under the rug. They are placed on such a pedestal, that nothing negative is allowed to be said about them. Its not your fault that this happened. Don't give up on God though, try joining a multicultural church.

Anonymous said...

Hi, IslandGirl. You responded to my comment, so I'm replying back. (You can call me Mike, if that's useful.)

I am surprised by your comment that white guys usually are overly aggressive when you are friendly with them. I would expect a certain percentage of that -- some guys are always just looking for a roll in the hay. That's inevitable. But it kind of shocks me that MOST of the guys you encounter are dogs.

As for your statement about "not putting all the burden on black women," I would agree with that. But it's not really an either/or situation. This topic is discussing what a black woman can do to improve her romantic chances. There can be a separate topic created concerning what can be done to change white men's "baggage."

I have to say, I don't believe that the issue with white American guys generally is "cowardice," though. I think a fair number of them DO have some incorrect beliefs that lead them to believe that black women are not good romantic prospects, including that a) black women aren't attracted to them, b) black women all resent white men, c) black women have bad attitudes, and other such nonsense. (And no, we don't ALL think these things!)

But if a guy believes this sort of stuff, he's not going to feel it's worth it to make an effort. So it's really about how to get the word out that these beliefs are wrong.

Anyhow, best of luck in love, IslandGirl, whether you find it in America, or Europe, or wherever!

Anonymous said...

As a Christian, I will say this...If black women want to marry they should date honest, hard-working men who want to marry. Not men who put more time into their friends or who hop from woman to woman. They should get in shape and stop having kids out of wedlock. Oh, and consider dating other races. Also, and this is the most important...when praying for God to send you that loving partner, remember that good men want good women, so stop blocking your blessings and get rubbish out of your life. Including deadbeat men.

PrettyBlackWoman said...

I have been raised in the (Black) church and have heard the standard "wait on the Lord to bring you a good man" message countless times. I am not one of these Black women who screams: "I want nothing but a BLACK man" because my eyes are open and I see that they so called Black men are not interested in me. I have been rejected countless time for being too dark-skinned by BM. The most beautiful compliments I have received about my looks has been by non-Black men! I have dated men of all races and enjoy the diversity. I like men who like me back. Continuously trying to forge relationships with men who reject you is pure insanity!

Anonymous said...

In response to Anon white guy and IslandGirl's comments:
I don't believe IslandGirl is experiencing a string of Wm dogs. That would almost imply there is something wrong with her to be attracting the attention of "dogs." I empathize with IslandGirl because most of the wm I have openly approached do not assume it's for the purpose of genuinely wanting to get to know them better and hoping things progress to a more serious relationship. It is almost always interpreted as flattering but in an aggressive way. This is why I highly advocate AGAINST black women approaching. It falls in hand with black women being less feminine and borders on the line of desperate. When I have made it obvious that I liked wm to wm, the response is a sudden paralysis lol. They never believe that I am into them from the start but also don't budge? It did NOT significantly increase my success with them. Non-American wm and some non-bm, are a great choice for any black woman seeking to date IR. Little to no effort is needed other than smiling and being the friendly feminine woman you already are.
Anon. wm said:
"I think a fair number of them DO have some incorrect beliefs that lead them to believe that black women are not good romantic prospects, including that a) black women aren't attracted to them, b) black women all resent white men, c) black women have bad attitudes, and other such nonsense. (And no, we don't ALL think these things!)

But if a guy believes this sort of stuff, he's not going to feel it's worth it to make an effort. So it's really about how to get the word out that these beliefs are wrong."

I don't think it is up to black women to get the word out. Really this battle with trying to get American-wm to notice we are genuinely interested and open is a joint effort. They (American-wm) have MAJOR dismantling to do about these negative beliefs. Black women by virtue of being women should not be fighting this "battle" at all really. It's almost funny but sad because one young American wm said he wished there was an IR cruise for bw/wm.

At this point though, I would encourage bw to place non-American wm close to the top of their list as prospective partners. It is clear to me (and many bw worldwide) that she wastes less time worrying herself over mixed messages and gendered racial baggage which characterizes too many American wm. Does this mean all American wm are not worth it? Not at all. It does mean however, that American wm require more effort to attract, that may not be feasible for a bw who has serious goals of getting married, building a life, having a family etc. in her near future.

IslandGirl said...

To the Anonymous who said this:
"I empathize with IslandGirl because most of the wm I have openly approached do not assume it's for the purpose of genuinely wanting to get to know them better and hoping things progress to a more serious relationship."

Thank you for validating my experiences. So many BW want to blame the BW when she is not having success in the dating game. Like you, experience has taught me that it is not good for a BW to be assertive with the typical white American male. BW should be pursued exactly the same way women of other races are pursued.

How many times should a BW have to smile at white men before they realize that they should approach her and start a friendly conversation? When the BW takes the lead and initiates conversations with strange men, it puts her at a disadvantage.

Like you said, foreign men seem to need nothing more than a nice smile to encourage them to make the first move. In the past, I had not been open to dating foreign white men, but after my experiences with white American men, I will now focus my attention exclusively on foreign white men.

Yvie said...

I was so GLAD to see that someone had written a recent article on this topic.

I recently went to a church to support my grandmother (she was winning an award for being a woman who is faithful to the church and her religion). The "speaker" for the day was the church's pastor's wife who began discussing how women in church should teach the younger women to put God first. She went on to say that everything they want in life will come if they do - as long as God sees that it's necessary.

I almost laughed out loud a few times, but kept my mouth shut. I was clearly outnumbered. Instead of teaching young women to put God first, how about teaching them to put their health and education first?? They were awarding women who sat in church every day at noon for prayer time. These women don't have jobs?? Don't these people know it's 2011 and money is necessary to survive?

Instead of teaching women the importance of self-worth and independence, the church continues to preach ignorance to black women, as far as I'm concerned...and it's a sad, sad thing.

Jennifer E. Black said...

The black church has done a wonderful job with helping the BW stay single. They have been operating like a plantation. They keep women fearful and in slavery to the church. Just like the plantation Masters misinterpreted scripture to justify slavery, they use bible scriptures to justify a women staying single. Misinterpretation #1) He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Their meaning: A woman is suppose to sit at home, at church, etc. until a man finds her. And she dare not show any signs of liking a guy. She is to act shy and innocent.) Misinterpretation #2) Wait on the Lord. (Their meaning: If you pray and believe God for the man, he will eventually come. You don't have any part to play in the process. If you get involved in the process, you are not walking by faith and waiting.) Misinterpretation #3) The story of Ruth working in the field. If you're single, get busy working for the Lord b/c Ruth was busy working in the field when Boaz found her.

Hello? They leave out the part that Naomi gave Ruth tips on "how to get Boaz".

1) Ruth went where the "men" were to get re-married. Naomi told her exactly where to go. Which means if church women want to get married they need to literally "GET OUT THE HOUSE AND THE CHURCH" sometimes.

2) Ruth looked the part. Naomi told her to freshen herself so that she can presentable in front of Boaz.

3) Ruth also approached Boaz about being her kinsman redeemer.

I get so tired of the church's teaching to singles. They are teaching women to be passive as if "GOD" is going to do everything and bring this man to them. It's okay to pray but "FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD".

Faith alone will not get you ANY MAN! So many women are in the church getting older and older as the years pass them by because of this erroroneous teaching that is pushing our people back.

Building families should be on the top of the list of churches, and not helping to tear down the family structure. The very first institution that God created on the earth was family. So churches should be prepping and coaching their singles to get in position to be married---encouraging them to get out and get married.

All of this traditional mess isn't working and it will NEVER work!!!! Because it isn't God that created this mess but man created it! This is why we see so many angry black women in church that are blaming God for their singleness. Blame the false teaching!!!! We have RE-EDUCATE ourselves about this whole dating thing as "Black Christian Women" and stop listening to the tradition man.

juliafield said...

LOL, ladies if you want a good laugh go to the Afroromance site and read an open letter to bw from

mathartist13 ....his open letter is so funny.
I did read it and was deeply offended. I complained to the web host that the post seemed to violate to the terms of service and to please review it.
It has been removed.