Saturday, May 25, 2013

What is the Unique Selling Point of Black Women?

Animals in love!
What is the Unique selling point of black women? Why would men seek out a black women among all others? If you are on any online dating websites, you might notice some patterns, you might be forgiven if you thought that some of these men are seeking out black women because they into 'strong' women, or that some men like black women because we are curvier or they have a thing for plump women and we are noted for carrying a fair bit of weight. You might not be wrong in these impressions, a number of us might even be upset that we are being sought out by men because of generally unflattering reasons and these men’s niche (as opposed to mainstream) tastes. This has indeed been a sticking point for many black women, that attraction to them especially coming from white men is wrapped up in sordid and fringe tastes and the kind that self-respecting women should be ashamed to trigger in their admirers.
Black women would rather prefer to be sought out for more 'mainstreams' reasons and the fact that we match up to mainstream ideals of beauty, femininity and behavior. There seems something very seedy about being sought out because you are fat as opposed to being sought out because you are slim and only loser men are thought to want to be with dominant women. The sight of the weedy looking guy being dominated by an overbearing and often obese woman on Maury or Jerry Spinger makes us cringe!
I was having a discussion about younger men and older women with a friend a few weeks ago and she came out with the oft repeated axiom that 'some people go into relationships for the wrong reasons' and added that these relationships are prone to failure. This type of talk about wrong or right reasons for relationships tends to be accepted wisdom. This time however and because we were talking about younger men who look for nurturing older women, I guess the context made me pause on that statement and think about it more deeply.
We need to question some of the notions we carry about because they actually might be preventing us from finding that unique relationship that fits our unique set of circumstances and identities. Using the example we were discussing, if a younger man lacked maternal nurturing while growing up and as a result seeks out a more nurturing type woman in his subsequent adult relationships, it might feel all icky to us but the truth is, this nurturing deficiency is a permanent part of his identity and will forever be what makes him him, thus seeking out more maternal women (for instance an older woman), will be constant for him and not a passing fancy or 'the wrong reason' in his relationships. In other words a reason is not a 'wrong' reason (which lead to relationship breakup) if it is in this case, an integral part of his identity though it might sound all wrong to us that a man is seeking out a 'mothering' woman for a relationship. There is a woman out there who will match his requirements and who will find fulfillment in what he has to offer too. It might sound strange to us but its all part of the weird and wonderful tapestry of life. Some of us have been raised within parameters and settings that make us individuals that diverge from mainstream lifestyle, needs, preoccupations etc.

There is no carved in stone 'right' reason for being with someone. And a lot more of us need to become mature about this. A man can seek a woman for a variety of reasons and vice versa (trading beauty for financial security and etc etc), and as long as the terms are known and acceptable to the other party, that should be all there is to say about it. The fact that arranged marriages can work tells us that it is both party's commitment to the formula that is the deciding factor in whether a relationship works out or not.
So many factors working against black women in the area of relationship but...
We could sit here and count the reasons why black women are having a hard time compared to other women, when it comes to securing relationships, we could point to racism and unfavorable stereotypes, we could point to an overarching beauty ideal which excludes us, we could talk about weight, flaky men etc etc. One thing however defeats all the obstacles and that thing is...consistent and frequent exposure to the dating market. If black women put themselves out there to met men on a frequent and consistent basis they will come into contact with a broader range of men increasing the probability of finding a man who is right for them. Sitting up in your room complaining is actually more of a hindrance to your relationship ambitions than any of the 'issues' that are put forward as the cause of the lack of marriage among black women!  
Would you vote for a woman who could fall under the spell of her husband
Vicky Pryce has come out of jail. For those who don’t know who she is, she is the woman who committed a criminal offence and claimed in her defense that she was coerced by her husband a then cabinet minister in the current British coalition government.
The jury didn’t buy the idea that Vicky Pryce an eminent economist at the height of her career was such a woman that could come under the coercion of anyone even a husband, and she was sent to jail for 8 months.
Of course several feminists rallied to her cause and decided to look at the whole issue as one in which she was being punished for being female because a certain female vulnerability in the marriage arrangement means that women can and do fall victim to their husband's dominance. I guess we see this happen everyday but here's the thing, who would vote for women to be in places of authority if they are prone to this kind of mental capture by men. Indeed the case for seeing women as capable and responsible is severely undercut by the notion that we have to make allowances for women because they can be coerced in ways we don’t allow for men. 
So therein lies another dilemma of modern feminism. Their argument of the capable modern woman who has the mental strength to be CEO and even commander in chief is severely undercut by the defense put up that women can come under the spell of their husbands or partners and can be made to commit all sorts of atrocities. So in a way I am happy that the argument of marital coercion brought forward by the defense team of Ms Vicky Pryce didn't succeed.

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16 comments: said...

how are we suppose to put ourselves out there when most men do not fancy us or are even racist towards us. That is scary, how to take away instilled male racism or the fear of it..the answer is simple. nothing can change it, I still believe in taking care of yourself.

Jamila said...

"how are we suppose to put ourselves out there when most men do not fancy us or are even racist towards us."

Statements like this are why I stopped writing about the negative perceptions of black women that are out there--black women internalize and repeat these messages to themselves ad nauseum and hold themselves back instead of just taking those negative messages as information.

All any woman can do is to put herself out there to find a good man. As I once read in a book, you just have to rustle the leaves to let the predators (the men) know where you are, and those men that are interested will come to investigate.

Donelle said...

@Jamila...I like the rustling leaves statement. I rustled, got men, got hurt, then found my hero. It's just life. I'm just me and he's who he is and it worked because neither of us limited ourselves to exactly what our mate should have, be like, height, weight, color, race, job. When you do that you cut a million people out of your life that you could have been happy with.

ak said...

I always believe in self-improvement and self-work for one's own self and when they finally feel mentally ready and mature enough for it but black women are enough and we have plenty of unique selling points.

Simplegirl540, there are plenty of men out there and they all have their different tastes in women. You may think that every single man in your country or on the planet are going to go for white blondes only, white brunettes only or Asians only but all of these women have plenty of 'fail' moments with men too and it takes a long while for some of them to meet the right person and settle down also.

On The Daily Mail website several months ago, someone interviewed a 27 year old Cameron Diaz lookalike who paid £10,000-£15,000 to an introductory/matchmaking service to find a nice man to settle down with after she broke up with a long term boyfriend and when on a few disastrous dates. The article siad that the few matchmaking services that they'd interviewed claimed to have many professional people, both men and women, coming to them a lot these days and some of them pay from £1,000 to £20,000 and possibly more especially if one of these services are in Knightsbridge in London and offer the services of a GLOBAL search in order to find a person the right match!

So in other words, 'it's not just us'! LOL

Lynn said...

IMHO, our best selling point is our ability to age 'gracefully'. I'm 37 and most people believe I'm in my mid to late 20's. I regularly see BW in their 50's who have kept themselves up and look better than most women my age!

The secret is to take care of yourself. Spend the necessary time and yes, some money to invest in your looks. It is a woman's most important asset in a patriarchal society. It sucks to admit it but it is the plain truth.

Just to give everyone an update on the dating front, after only 5 months of being with a matchmaking service, I am now putting my account on hold. I met a wonderful guy and we decided to be 'exclusive' with each other! He's Asian, is a gentleman in every way, and makes approximately 6 times my salary in his very specialized medical field! Everyday he tells me he feels lucky to be in a relationship with me.

The crazy thing is, I did not meet him via my matchmaker, but at a social function! Still, I don't feel that I have wasted the money; it has gotten me dates with other high-profile men, who are still 'potentials' and they have had a great dating experience with a classy BW. So, I feel in a very small way, I have provided some of the upper middle-class men in my area with a positive depiction of BW. That helps ALL of us.

Back to the point I made earlier, our best selling point is our 'youthfulness'. Quality men want a fit, bright-eyed, easy going, happy women at their sides. Their lives can be very stressful with high profile careers, they need a lady who can fit in with a variety of people from all social economic levels, and they want a stress-free, easy going relationship. My guy wants to go out every night, 'cause his job is so stressful and I make his evenings light and full of laughter and fun. He takes care of a lot things for me already, so my daily stress level is down too.

For the young BW out there, keep yourselves up and learn social graces! It took me FOREVER to catch up with non-Black women on this front. Social graces is critical to interacting with high-profile men.

Patricia Kayden said...

Good for you, Lynn!!! Love to hear positive stories about Black women getting out there and meeting nice men.

There are too many gloomy stories about how 70% of Black women can never find a man. We are no different from other women and should have no more difficulties in finding quality men.

As Evia always says, all you need is one good man.

Halima said...

Hey Lynn

What will it take for you to write a guest post for us :)

Anonymous said...

When Black women make their health and overall wellbeing a priority, we have the fountain of youth at our fingertips. I consistently get the "deer in headlights" look when I reveal my age.

Lynn said...

Thanks for the kind words! I love to hear other bw doing well too.

I'm floored that you would like for me to do a guest post and I would love too! Thank you for the opportunity. How can I contact you; I rarely use my Google email account?

Halima said...

Hi Lynn, it depends on how anonymous you want to remain :) you can open a 'fake' email and send me a correspondence from there (to and we can chat about how to proceed!

FemmeNoire said...,

THANK YOU. I find it real strange that it is almost taboo now to discuss that little tidbit. It is like people want to just punish Black women for everything that goes wrong in the dating world, smh.

Soul Alive said...

And like clockwork here comes FemmeNoire to co-sign the life of gloom and doom for bw. Dude can you get a new agenda already?

We get it, you dont want or expect much for bw and girls. For people new to bwe, learn the art of discernment and the ability to understand a veiled message.

Check out this persons other comments to determine where they are hedging their bets. Heres a clue, it isnt on the side of bw living well.

Khadija said...

Soul Alive,

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, and May God bless you for mentioning DISCERNMENT and VEILED MESSAGES!

Halima, Evia and other BWE pioneers have repeatedly told BW that the tricks, traps, and sabotage will get more sophisticated as more BW start escaping from [the emotional, spiritual, and physically dead circles found in] "Blackistan."

Ladies, the saboteurs' goal is to say and do anything---anything at all---that will take you off track. It's that plantation programming fear-talk all over again. That same fear-talk that fearful slaves repeated to other slaves who were planning to escape: "How you gonna get away? Ain't nothin' out there for us. We need to stay on this plantation. Whatchu gonna do if you leave the plantation?"

The fearful slave never thought to ask WHO TOLD THEM THAT supposedly "there's nothing in the outer world for them." The fearful slave never thought to ask WHO BENEFITS from the slaves buying into that assertion.

To whomever "the shoe fits," ask yourselves: Why are you so eager to buy into and believe messages that are anti-YOU?

Why are you so eager to lap up and swallow anti-BW vomit? On those rare and unpleasant occasions when I see vomit on a sidewalk, I step around it.


If you haven't already seen them, I would suggest that you read the comments to this earlier post here; and then you can decide for yourself what's probably motivating various comments during these conversations, particularly FemmeNoire's comments.

Part of why it's so easy for saboteurs to get over on many BW during these online conversations is because many BW aren't paying attention to various commenters' track records.

Ladies, WAKE UP and pay attention!

Khadija said...


I just checked, and only the first link I gave led to the correct post. The blog post (and comment section) I was referring to is dated Sunday, January 13, 2013.

The post title is Motherhood: the issues between black daughters and their mothers.

zoopath said...

Lynn, would you be able to share which matchmaking service you used?

Lynn said...


I used "It's Just Lunch"