Monday, August 16, 2010

What would self do?

So I have been challenged to give some ideas and structure to how black women can become more self concerned and focussed on achieving their ambitions particularly in the area of relationships.

I want to say here that concerted efforts have been made to get black women to collapse her sense of self (an identity which when thriving reminds us that we have to take care of ourselves and our personal ambitions as distinct from general concerns for tribe, race etc), into her concern for community so conmmunity becomes all she is striving on behalf of.

Many black women do not actually have a sense of personal concern, if you note the way they behave and the decisions they make! When you find bw shooting themselves in their foot just to do something which 'serves' a broader black agenda then you are looking at a woman whose self concern is no longer clearly marked out from the concern for race or people! Remember it is unhealthy to have only community concern and if you must have only one it must be 'self-concern'.

The truth that has been shielded from black women to keep them working like a mule, is that when black women thrive as individuals, the so called community would thrive automatically, it wouldnt need to be something you have to plot and plan for. Think about that for a second and think about the fact that even ancient tribes understood this basic principle!

So in essence a significant number of black women are going to have to either 'resurrect' a wholesome and healthy sense of self concern or split it out from race focus.

Indeed being about race all of the time is a sign of a missing self concern instinct, so is 'sister soildiering' and indeed any activity that serves 'community' at the expense of a healthy personal ambition. When women cannot decipher how a given ideology will hurt their personal ambitions in the area of love and relationships and careers etc, and when you have to point out the obvious or do remedial coaching (as Khadija aptly titles it) so that a woman can see how a particular course of action will place them at a disadvnatge then you are likely to be talking to a woman who the BC has succesfully made obliterate her sense of self concern for only community concern. These women have a real blindness about how what they do affects their own personal ambitions, they do not look at an issue from the perspective of 'how does this serve my personal interest' or 'whats in it for me, does it pay my rent'. Remember that the black community makes these kind of healthy self concern questioning extreme selfishness, so you would be better to ignore all what the black arbiters and black community agents have to say on this one.

How to carve out a healthy self concern
Look at the picture below.
Getting mine! Thanks 

This man has just won 6 million dollars on the tables!

Can you visualize how he is going to go about spending the money he has won on his dream car, house, vacation? If you are like me quite easily! I can run that sequence in my mind without any difficulty, in fact I can almost match his emotions at winning all that money! You dont need to try at all to see and feel how this man's winnings will accrue to himself. Look at him pull in all thise chips towards himself, do you believe he is thinking, 'The church roof is leaking'. Not even close!

Indeed look at that picture and get the emotions, the right emotions of how it feels to focus on self!

Yes that what it feels like to be about self! Most black women would have a heart attack at the thought of being so self indulgent, I can almost see the rosary beads coming out for thinking such unclean thoughts! But this is actually the frame of mind that black women need to be in, particularly after many years of conditioned self abnegation to the extent that black women dont know how to take a slice of life for themselves. You have to loose this inculcated need to keep pouring out and out and out as the right way to be a black woman.

Imagine what this man will buy first, some champagne? Maybe he will go to one of the shops attached to the hotel and get a new $4,000 suit and then next stop a car dealership....

The average black man knows how to get his, he is in no way confused about it. The latest rap video will show you this clearly but not just that, it teachs the next generation of black boys what it means to 'get theirs'.

Contrast this with black women who havent stopped shooting themselves in the foot even when the choice is a clear one between dating in a way that ensures peace and sanity and a real shot at happiness over scrambling over slim pickings!


We interupt this blog post to bring you our comments on 'What Dr Laura did'

Now unless you have been under a rock these past few days, you would have heard about, Dr Laura Schlessinger's N word rant. Apparently she went all crazy on a caller (a black woman married to a white man) who needed some advice on what about her husband not standing up for her to his racially insensitive even racist friends and family. Dr Laura ended up sing songing the N word several times which distressed the caller who she branded sensitive and humourless.

Now that’s my version of events but you can listen to the stuff here by scrolling down to the CNN video  and make up your own minds.

Before I say anything else can I ask if the caller (who went by the name Jade), at any point identified herself as a rapper or black comedian?

See I must have missed something because I hear folks saying that black comedians use the N word all the time as a kind of defence for some white folks using it. So my question is, did the caller Jade identify herself as a rapper or comedian of some sorts that I missed. Or did she say at some point that she supported rappers using the N word?

I am still scratching my head on that one and maybe some of you who listened more carefully than I did can help me out here. Or maybe and apparently if I am black then I support every negative thing any other black person does just by virtue of being black and I have no right to detach myself from the wilfully poor mannered just as white folks can.

See folks, there are some of us in this society that just will not submit to codes of decorum and decency. Whether we like it or not they have a right to maintain their flagrant disregard of sane and decent behaviour. So how do we deal with them? Well not that I have a dog left in this 'black community' fight but if you ask me, deal with them by simply putting them in that category of ‘impolite society’, just the same way that white folks deal with the pornographers and the rest and shun them and push them to the fringes. We are polite, they are impolite, end of story.

But apparently as a black person you must have the mill stone of the rest forced on you even when it is a choice to reject or accept. Indeed folks do not want you, a decent black person to refuse to accept coarse behaviour as standard or maybe it’s this idea that ‘black people are one and in unity and brotherhood and all that’ you know the 'all blacks are in perfect harmony and agreement and we have no differences between us' notions that we have sown abroad!

We all know that as black folks we pay a ‘black tax’ because of the effects of structural inequality and the fact that other blacks have let the side down however to suggest that because some black person over in Colorado mentioned the N word that I too have decided to accept it because I am black and have no right to reject foul language and conduct but must 'own it' because one other black person over there uses it, is just ridiculous logic and racist attitude peeping through a facade of  tolerance and equality

‘And the Lion drinking upstream from a little lamb drinking down stream, said to the lamb, ‘Hey why are you kicking mud in my drinking water?’ The Lamb replied, but I am down stream sir, I cannot possibly be contaminating your water’. The Lion thought about it for a moment and said, ‘Where you not the one who insulted me six months ago, indeed it is you, you have the same white fur and long ears and awkward gait!’ And the Lamb replied, but I wasn’t born six months ago, I am only a three month old lamb.’ The Lion then insisted, ‘If it wasn’t you then it was your mother or grandmother’. And with that he pounced on the youngling for his dinner!

Those who want to victimize others will look for any excuse to justify why they have a right to do so!

To be continued in part 2
Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to:


Felicia said...

What would self do?

Under normal circumstances self would do what's best FOR self by EXCLUSIVELY surrounding themselves with - when at all possible - QUALITY men (and women for that matter) who care for and about them.

That's what a normal self would do.

Black women are forever looking without when they need to start looking within.

What needs must be met.

Food, shelter, security, support, friendship, companionship, love, quality equally yoked marriage, etc...

If a black woman finds that the black construct is failing to meet these basic needs, it stands to reason that she should look OUT side of the black construct. NOT in it.

ESPECIALLY if she is in her child bearing years and does not wish to have fatherless OOW children.

PLUS, BW should question why is it that she ALONE has felt compelled to look within a failing/dead black construct for her needs to be met in the first place.

The black construct has failed to meet the needs of BW for DECADES.

The majority of BW HAVE BEEN HAD and have ZERO positives to show for all of their faith and support of the dead black construct and BM.

Again, a healthy self would surround themselves with powerful, normal, positive, family oriented, successful men and women who are pro-marriage period regardless of "race". Not powerless, abnormal, negative, non family oriented, struggling men and women producing OOW births in abundance.

Anonymous said...

I say moving away from family and friends into a cultural/racially different community would help greatly. First, it will (hopefully) force one to broaden one's perceptions of race, while (again hopefully, as this is all up to how one decides to deal) chipping away at the burdens and complexes one carries. Not having family and friends to run to who constantly spin the same old excuses, reasons or copouts will build strength of character, thus allowing one to see individuals and not race, which is one of the biggest burdens black women (all over) carry, hence the girnormous chip on shoulders.

Hope I've made sense.

Shan said...

I believe that dbrm are jealous of bw's confidence. Bm are the only men who try to destroy bw confidence by telling them that other races of men don't want them. Other races of men may not like it if their women date out but they do take pride in their women being desirable to other men. Bm don't want bw to be desirable to other races of men because he is competing with bw at who will be on the bottom in society. It is much easier for a woman to move up in society by marrying well than it is for a man. That is why they hate to see bw with wm and are quick to say the bw is a gold digger if the wm is wealthy. Sad but it's true. Bw have bm beat in education, confidence levels, upstanding citizenship, and etc. Bm feel the only thing they have over us is that their interracial numbers are higher and they will fight bw to keep us from surpassing them in that area. Bm don't see bw as women anymore but as mules meant to be asexual to other men and only sexual with bm. Bm can't take away our education, morals, and values so they try to degrade us and destroy the core of our womanhood: being desirable to all men.

That may sound far fetch but that is really how I think some, not all of course, but some bm think.

Khadija said...


I love the "Getting Mine" photo!

Anyhoo, I agree with both Felicia and Anonymous at 8:34 p.m. If a woman is in an environment and surrounded by people who don't support the idea of her "getting hers," then it's time for a change of background scenery. It's also time to find some new faces to socialize with.

Very few people, places, or things in life are truly neutral. If they're not helping you move closer to where you want to be, then they're usually holding you back. At minimum, they're taking up your time without helping you move forward toward your goals. Time that could spent on people, places, and things that actually contribute toward reaching your goals.

Anonymous said...

This post is promising; I may love where you're going with it! I look forward to the next!

Anonymous said...

I was in NYC this weekend and I saw a lot of sisters who "GET" it. I was with my new white male friend and we saw a lot of black females with white men. It was refreshing! I got a couple of mean looks from black men and I did not care. I got a few looks of approval and smiles from other black women. But there were quite a few sisters with white guys. Good looking sisters too! I was soooo happy last weekend!

PioneerValleyWoman said...

Regarding "not looking out for self," my mind ran on the young black women I once knew in my early Af-Am Studies teaching days, who always spoke about black community problems in light of some form of pontification: "the black man __________"

Ask them, well, what issues do black women face, and pure silence followed.


As for LS, here is an example of appropriate vetting--I knew from years ago when I heard her on the radio that she had some issues with race, so I stopped listening to her and did not buy her products.

If I were facing that sort of problem that Jade is facing, LS would not be the person I would turn to.

Why in the world would I want to use such a public forum anyway, much less with a person like that character?

I would seek advice from other channels.

Anonymous said...

When I heard about this Dr Laura fiasco, the first thing I thought was 'did a BW really expect a WW to be sympathetic?'. Seriously?

PioneerValleyWoman: She has a questionable attitude towards gays (surprise surprise). And she's also one of those anti-feminist woman-blaming male-identified wackos.

What did she do/say years ago that gave her away?

Anonymous said...

I love the picture of the player getting his. That is what BW have to do. Also, the community is dead and more and more BW are getting it. Slowly, but surely and they are seeing that these h**lholes are very toxic. Yes, there will be racism and all sort of isms, that has not stopped BW before and will not stop us now considering we have way more resources now than back then.
Keep pressing own to success

Anonymous said...


PioneerValleyWoman said...

What did she do/say years ago that gave her away?

My reply:

She showed herself, either on the air or in one of her books, addressing some sort of mixed relationship, I can't recall, interfaith or interracial, but not b/w.

This was a person who called in complaining that the parents/relatives were adamant against dating (this wasn't even about marrying) someone of a different background, and she went off, saying the person needed to be loyal to the family, that the person s/he was dating could be gone tomorrow, but family persisted, and so that to please the family, the person should not date outside of the acceptable familial "group."

So based upon that, I knew that if there was any type of issue, ie., family stress regarding interracial relationships, she was not going to be in favor.

What is interesting, is that she didn't always appear to be an anti-feminist wacko.

Her early book, Ten Stupid Things Women do to Mess Up Their Lives was very much about women's empowerment, in which she identified ten types of patterns that lead women to relationship drama:

stupid attachment;
stupid courtship;
stupid devotion;
stupid passion;
stupid cohabitation;
stupid expectations;
stupid conception;
stupid subjugation;
stupid helplessness;
stupid forgiving...

But once she showed herself to be a wacko, I lost all interest.

Christelyn Karazin said...

Betty, I've been trying to reach you! I want to invite you to join in one the dozen+ BWE bloggers who are going to be speaking out against the normalization of out of wedlock births in the black community. We're launching a blog blitzkrieg on Sept. 22 which is the day Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation. Lots of blogger you know are on board--Cher, Faith, Black Snob, Volour Luvv, Jo Bai...Hope you'll join us!

Anonymous said...

Dr. Laura just announced on the Larry King show that she is giving up her radio show when her contract ends this fall.

Ominously, though, she indicated that she feels her free speech rights were taken away in the current venue and she intends to look for other venues where she can say the things that need to be said to Americans. Scary.

Anonymous said...

PioneerValleyWoman: I see. I bought one of her books about a year ago (don't judge me, lol) and she definitely has some outdated ideas about women.

To be fair, she did make a few valuable points, but I can't get with the general message that women should basically comply to a mans wants and needs just because he has a penis.

I think that the Dr Laura's of the world should relocate to Afghanistan or some other deeply misogynistic country and live out their 'men should rule' fantasies in an anti-feminist culture if it's so bad in the West.

But of course they won't do that. LOL. They'll partake in the benefits of feminism but turn around and bite the hand that feeds them.

Getting back to the topic: I think a lot of BW are a lost cause and quite frankly I don't give a hoot about the ones who aren't thinking about themselves or analysing what's REALLY going on.

My only concern are for the young ones coming up who need guidance and who need to know that the Black 'community' is largely a figment of the imagination.

Anonymous said...

Check this out. Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon and his black girlfriend...

Anonymous said...

The black woman who asked Dr. Laura for advice was on CNN this morning being interviewed by TJ Holmes. She is beautiful, dark skinned and well spoken . TJ Holmes tried to (in my opinion) get her to make a fool of herself. He asked her if ther husband uses the N word. She said no. She represented herself well. I am sure that they will show that segment again throughout the day. Oh and he asked her how long she has been married. She replied "THREE WONDERFUL YEARS" LOL!

Anonymous said...

Nita Hanson Interview...

Halima said...

Try this link and look at the side videos for the interview with 'Jade'.

Anonymous said...

I saw Julia Robert's movie Eat, Pray, Love. Her best friend and voice of reason (in the movie) was a beautiful black woman. She had a pretty prominent part and was in a very happy interracial marriage. She was also very intelligent! I was the only black woman in the movie theatre of white women and this is a white woman's movie. It was great!

Shan said...

That beautiful black woman was Viola Davis. She was nominated for an Oscar for her supporting role in Doubt. She also mentioned in an interview a while ago that black directors don't hire her.

Anonymous said...

I was reading and they are already dogging out that woman who was attacked by Dr. Laura. One woman said how could she be married for three happy years if her husband did not control what his white friends were saying to her?

Anonymous said...

I was the only black woman in the movie theatre of white women and this is a white woman's movie. It was great!

What I mean by this is white women get to see a beautiful ir relationship between bw/wm

Anonymous said...

Self concern.

A few practical examples would include: you are an elderly parent in need of residential care and live in a house you would like your children to inherit. Well, I say sell the house and pay for your care.

You cared for and loved your son and now he is an adult earning good money but refuse to leave home to save money. You're doing yourself and him no favours by allowing him to stay. Your natural inclination as a mother will always be to put his needs before your own. Avoid this by getting him to live like a man.

Your boyfriend wants you to have sex without using a condom. Do I need to state the obvious?

You get pregnant without planning to. You have options you do NOT need to bring the child into the world. You need to understand that having an unplanned child will leave you at a disadvantage financially and otherwise for decades and you may not be able to recover your financial and professional status. Not to mention your potential value as a desirable woman.

A friend phone's just as you were about to have a meal or put your feet up. You know she'll be on the phone for hours. You can choose to phone her back or ask her to phone you back at a more convenient time.

You have a lump sum of money you saved for a particular item. A relative or friend tells you they are in need. Will you part with your money? You don't have to you know.

You're the black woman shoulder your colleague/s lean on. Stop.

You have let your relatives and friends know that you are on a weight loss diet but every once in a while they bring you a cream cake as a treat because they were thinking of you. Hhm. I call this sabotage. Put self first and refuse the gift. They can eat it.

Someone close to you thinks its okay to belittle you. Self concern will not accept this behaviour.

There are charities asking you to contribute. Can you afford to?

You feel uneasy when you go to your local shops. Listen to your instincts and shop elsewhere even if you have to get into your car to do so.

There are obviously numerous examples of how to put self first. I suppose the biggest hurdle for many is getting over the feeling of guilt. If you don't put self first you will either burn out or become bitter, resentful, broke and uncared for. When others see that you don't care enough about yourself to put your needs and desires first they will put you last on their list of priorities.

cool_splash1 said...

Sad isn't it. Especially after reading this woman went to Julliard!

Nana said...

I'm always quite suspicious of folks like Dr. Laura who make a living out of giving advice on how people ought to live their lives and work out their relationships. After all, who made them relationship experts? Are their lives so perfect that they deserve the title of a guru or expert?

That being said, I figure it's not that difficult to gauge whether a white person is racially insensitive; I would imagine after dating someone for at least a few months, after having a couple of conversations about race, you will know where they stand, and if it's going to be a problem. I was confused as to why a BW would call an old WW and ask her for advice on how to deal with racism (really?).

If she had an overall good relationship with her husband, she probably would have been able to voice her concerns and find a way to work it out without putting him on blast all over the media. Come on now.

That is why I'm guessing they have other internal issues within the relationship that we don't know about-for one, if you know someone well enough, these incidents should not be that surprising or daunting (or maybe she ignored the warning signs early on), and two-you have to call a complete stranger to solve a problem because apparently you cannot communicate at home. Problem.