Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I can’t stand black men, is this Healthy? (update)

image from yahoo

Newsflash Newsflash
Woman who claims 'black woman' attacked her with acid admits she caused her own injuries!
Already the 'exusers' are lining up including a senior police officer (who possibly worked on the case) Read here

Letter from reader
I can't even stand the sight of black men! When I see black men I make certain assumptions about them and I have always said that I couldn't ever see myself married to a black man. I feel convicted about feeling this deep disdain towards them. I want to be a healthy individual who makes relationship choices that are free of such baggage. What can I do about my disdain for black men and how do I ensure my admiration for white men isn’t springing from this ugly place?- CC

From what I can gather you are simply fed up with the actions of black men, is it really deeper than that? And I don’t see it as invalid in anyway that black women should be 'fed up' because black women are being treated horribly by black men (it isn’t a figment of our imagination). When someone steps on my toe, I shout out with pain (especially if they are wearing stilettos). To me your angry emotions and developing bad feelings towards black men is just as natural. It is the effect from a real cause and the cause is their shabby treatment of black women.

I am aware that in the age of armchair psychoanalysis, many people have begun to feel that their natural and normal reactions are somewhat invalid and wrong. Indeed black women are constantly preached to against being angry and bitter against black men! To me this is very strange, and I don’t see how these feelings are anything but natural in the face of the misuse and mistreatment meted out by black men. Indeed have black men done good? If not then why do others want to make black women feel that their feelings in this regard are surprising in fact unnatural, greeting them with 'where is it coming from' kind of astonishment.

If I said I was fed up with white racism, and the many ways white men and woman oppress and victimize black people, I doubt that anybody would question those feelings as illegitimate or invalid. I seriously doubt any would rush to me to say, ‘hush chil’ or say that because I haven’t yet, ‘interacted’ with all white people, it is wrong for me to feel that way towards all whites! Instead, my comments would receive nods of agreement as other black people identified with feeling fed up and frustrated with the actions and activities of whites. The fact that racism exists in the attitudes and behaviour of a significant portion of white people is reason enough for my feelings to be accepted as valid and understandable, even if these feelings overshoot to other white people who may not be racist. Yet black women are looked at askance if they express mild disapproval of black men!

I find it beyond funny that when a black woman speaks about the black female situation and how black men play a role, she is suddenly deemed ‘bitter’ as if being bitter somehow invalidates what she is saying. Folks does this mean that bitter feelings against your mistreatment/situation is wrong? Are you suppose to clap and dance about being ill treated? So how does this work, are you suppose to only legitimately speak when you are giddy with happiness and joyous at a bad situation? One would think that it’s actually people who have suffered a situation that can speak up with clarity and passion about the issue.

So it is legitimate to be wary of whites after repeated incidents of racism, it is only natural, yet black women are suppose to be bruised and battered by black men again and again, yet retain a generous and confident disposition towards them! What’s up with that? Why must black women be willing to give black men umpteenth benefits of doubts but on the other hand treat white men with deep suspicion even when she has never faced even near as much ‘misuse’ from white men, in fact anything she knows about their actions is second hand information given that she has never even shared coffee with one! Hmmm

We know that racio-misogyny is real and is present in black men’s responses and reactions to black women. We see and experience it everyday and the signs of it are clear and all about us how black men target black women with aggression. So why should you not feel a measure of anger, rage and chagrin at black men especially since they have returned evil for all the goodwill black women have shown them!

No doubt the lack of challenge of black men's actions in the black community and the denying of black women their legitimate anger has lead to suppressed feelings which have now exploded and are ten times worse than they should have been if they had not be subject to invalidation and suppression!

Should you try to reign in these feelings? Possibly, if balance is important and you want to live life based on higher principles and good conscience, and holding onto this chagrin is not part of what you want to be about, then yes go ahead and work on resolving these feelings. That you can reflect inwardly in such a way and apply a deep analysis to yourself and recognize that something might have to give, tells me you will not have too much trouble here!

Readers are free to add comments especially around the impact of feeling this way and pursuing an IR (No anonymous comments unfortunately as they will get swallowed up in the attack of spam that this blogsite has been experiencing)

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com


Bellydancer said...

For years I was wondering why I felt no connection to black men even as I was going through the motions of dating them.
I thought maybe I need to talk to someone I am not happy and felt like my concerns were not being taken seriously or like I was being ignored and used until something better came along, this was before the cheating and lying began.
I even had one guy tell me "you always expect bad stuff to happen to you don't you" and you know he was correct, he also was the last bm I dated after I found out he had 5 kids with 4 babymamas. No wonder this negro was always broke and couldn't take me to dinner. This negro even had the nerve to contact me recently and ask me out I told him no and have had no further contact with him. I even had one accuse me of being mean to men because I am a feminist but of course my mind was telling me his ass was wrong on so many levels even before he relocated to another city and got married to someone else.
If you feel wary about someone it's okay to follow your instincts and watch for certain behaviours. Most bm who are up to no good will often come across as demanding of your time and resources because they want to hem you up and not in a good way.

CNS said...

I feel like this sometimes, and I have always felt guilty about it. I have always been afraid to get married and have children. I always felt that if I married and had children with a black man that I would end up abandoned, broke and lonely like my mother. Now that I have given up on black men (long time ago)altogether,I actually can see myself in a loving, happy marriage with a child or two and even though I am 40 yrs old, never married, no children.Lol.

Anonymous said...


You are not alone. I feel the same way regarding contempt and disdain for BM. Except I don't care. I don't care about someone calling me bitter or angry... So what?

I agree with Halima in that bitterness and anger are normal reactions to the abuse and evils we have been put through.

They sure don't care about us or hurting us. As a matter of fact they rejoice in their ability to harm us. Have you not heard BM joke and praise one another for sexually or financially exploiting some/several women?

If I had a platform to do so, I would encourage all BW to mate out YESTERDAY!

And then start a national campaign for BW to boycott all BM and the institutions connected with them. All of them. I want to see them in the gutter personally. All of them. They have taken so much from us and our elder women and then are wholesale giving it to every other woman on the face of the earth.

The only exceptions to this are some of the gay BM who to my surprise I have found are actually supportive/protective of BW and girls.

CNS said...

The only exceptions to this are some of the gay BM who to my surprise I have found are actually supportive/protective of BW and girls.

I agree, Antoine Dobson comes to mine.

Shan said...

I can relate. I've always wondered why even way back in high school, I could never "fall in love" with the bm I dated. I liked them but I was never really into them. I've always thought maybe something was wrong with me. My in-law who is a bm even joked when I was in high school that I was going to marry a Chinese man. I think he used Chinese just to substitute for non bm in general, but maybe he was on to something. It could do with having a deadbeat dad and so forth, but most people will date and marry someone of the same race anyway, but there are always a few who don't. Maybe we are the few.

Truth P. said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!You are not going to believe that I was just asking myself something similar to what this woman was asking.
S E R I O U S L Y!

I just had a relative come visit from out of town and I can't stand him.This relative is an ex-con and has multiple children by multiple women and he is NOT a good father and to top it off he"likes em' young"(his words) when it comes to his women.Young is younger than me btw He got kids with 2 young girls and both of them seem a little slow
and he is old as hell.
Now to top all this off since he has been out of prison he expects his mom,my nana, to do certain things for his children that he can't do and when she doesn't he gets pissed off at her,his mom is elderly btw.

You know all of these things piss me off because he is irresponsible.He likes knowing his children and showing off their pics on facebook but when it comes to being there for them he's not around and is not providing or here in this city to deal with his older kids drama.

So anyway,today my relatives were visiting and I was asked by ex-con relative to get up and take a picture of them with my nana. Now I didn't hear this request at first so I continued on with what I was doing then the ex-con relative yells my name and yells while telling me to come and take the picture that's when I got mad and yelled NOOOO!!!I felt silly and bad because it was kinda a family gathering but I didn't even want to be in this picture because I don't like my relative.I also didn't want to take the picture for them.I pretty much wanted no part of it.This whole picture thing was really no big deal you know,and when I yelled NOOO!!to taking the picture everyone looked at me crazy but I feel that I have contained my dislike for my relative and it just came out that way.(shoulder shrug)
Anywho,I'm working on it but I think for now on when this relative comes to visit i'll make sure i'm nowhere around.

Truth P. said...

Just a few minutes around a dbr can be draining.I was only around some dbr relatives for a little bit when one of them asked about a girl that we used to know so I replied "the ugly one?",other people have the same name & she is not nor has she ever been a pretty sight plus she has a bad attitude and he knows it,then he says yeah her.At that point another dbr relative chimes in laughing and says who is the girl we tell him and then my dbr relative says "well yeah she is ugly for a liteskin girl".I took offense to that cause I aint liteskin and exactly WTH is that spose to mean?Top it off with the fact that he actually likes this girl,that's why he was looking for her, and acknowledges that she is indeed ugly and has a bad attitude and i'd say that's as good of a reason as any for black women to date/mate/marry OUT.

This ugly bad attitude havin liteskin girl is acceptable to my dbr black male relative for no other reason than her complexion.Noone can say i'm making this up because he said this with his own words.He said she was ugly,he knows her attitude and yet he still wants to get with her SMDH.

Kat said...

I experienced this from a jackass female who pretty much told me my son is a black man. I wont go off about her but this is the reason that so many black women are in the predicament that they are in now! I dont worship white men but I urge every girl I know to try it. Things are so bad that I have a lot of girlfriends who are just asexual. They are not gay but they dont have any kind of relationships at all! Interracial relationships are actually fun! They are interesting. Something different and in my case and the case of my friends better.

We cant worry about these mules! The progressive women will be fine!

Renee Moore- The Marketing Maven said...

I don't hate Black men but I am tired of being treated poorly by the Black men I have chosen. I truly believe that if we stop dealing with Black men and by that I mean, stop allowing them to disrespect us, stop allowing them to have sex without protection and giving us dieases, stop allowing them to get us pregnant and then leave us, stop allowing them to stand us up, in essence stop putting up with their crap then they will begin to respect us- I hope.
I think choosing to open our options to other men shows them that we won't be stick being treated poorly when there are men who will love us and treat us like queens.
I have allowed many guys I've dated to mistreat me. They don't call, cheat and/or lie and I never say anything. Why would they change? But when I walked away and lived on my own without them or dated someone else they all straightened up and wanted to be in my life. It's amazing now that I made a decision to date other races, how many Black men are showing up in my life. I am polite and will not turn them away but because I am open to all races of men I notice that I am being treated better by Black men. They don't feel or have a sense of entitlement with me. I don't let them know I date others I just treat myself better and that has made a huge difference.

Nana said...

Wow, thank you Halima. This really speaks to me, and I am in the same position as the poster. I have always desired and dated white and nonblack men as a primary option but I began to question my reasons for wanting to date them after I discovered the plague of raciomysogyny against black women. I wanted to know that my reasons for dating them were legitimate and not just about escapism, and often felt guilty about it.
I finally realize that I have a right to judge any man I please because it is my body and I am responsible for my own protection. Judgements can be changed after I have been proven wrong, and so far, the vast majority of black men have not given me any reason not to judge them as a group. I'm glad there are some people who understand consider the feelings and experiences of black women to be legitimate.
This is not to say that every interracial relationship is stable and peachy keen, but looking at nonblack men is a good way to filter out a whole lot of automatically bad options. Hate to say it but it's true. And when I say bad options, I mean all other factors fair and equal amongst all races, black men are plagued with a very serious, active hatred for black women whether they date us or not. Knowing this alone is enough to keep me away from them. I cringe at the thought of a man despising me and thinking of me as second-rate because of my African features. Most white and nonblack men who date black women do not have this hatred in their deeply seated in their hearts and minds.

Damaged Black said...

My contempt for BM is borne out of their apparent contempt for BW. Some BM are repulsed by BW; especially the most “Africoid” looking of us. I’m starting to notice this underlying assumption from BM that as a BW I must worship or desire them on some level if I happen to be friendly towards them. Then those of us who try to avoid BM are accused of being “stuck up”. That’s crazy-making behavior.

PioneerValleyWoman said...

Anger is understandable, as bw assess their situation and experiences regarding bm, but it should have a purpose--purposeful, controlled anger is useful as a tool for action, and as a tool for analyzing one's situation. At the same time, it should not overwhelm and become an obsession, that gives the object of one' anger too much power. Bw should aim ultimately for indifference regarding "low value" and "no value" bm.

This is where vetting, vetting, vetting matters. The men who come to us, regardless of race, should be vetted in order to discover whether they fit the norms that most normal men and women believe that men and women should fit.

This is where an understanding of the lopsided upside down black community norms come in, for example, that black men "suffer" and that black women need to "understand, that black women should "work with the brothas" because black women "have it easier" and thus should not expect black men to fulfill the norms and standards that other men routinely fulfill.

The community norms expect black men to be given slack under circumstances that most men of other groups would not get and would not even expect to get!

Black women need to jettison those ideas ASAP!

Is a man asking us out then coming up with a sob story of why he can't pay? Next! Are we asking men out? A big no-no! Men pursue, women don't. Are we offering to go dutch? That is just not done! Are we, heaven forbid, offering to pay?

Are the men acting as though they have an interest in us and our lives? If not, next!

And so it goes...

Anonymous said...

Great essay Halima. I agree hate is not the answer.

@Bellydancer, I had similar feelings/instincts dating and growing up. I knew i did not want to date the type of bm that was in my environment. They were spiritually and emotionally draining. And I KNEW I did not want to marry someone like my father. I even considered the African man, but heard so much negativity about their treatment of women, at the time, I avoided them. I dated the best options available within the bm pool and it was sad to say the least. I usually walked away exhausted!

I thought it was ALL me until now, when I noticed the bm and his uncontrollable lust for the non-bw regardless how foul their attitudes and/or behavior. I've seen grown non-bw competing and physically fighting over a few crumbs of bm (who may have already been married) while the bm stands around watching playing shocked. One of the non-bw had 4 kids by 2 different bm, divorced the last bm and the next thing I see her walking around with her ex- husband's baby on her hip, holding hands with yet another bm. Most of these non-bw who thought they won a prize are now divorced and single parenting 3 - 4 young kids.

I try to encourage young bg to keep your head up and stay positive, it is NOT you!

When wm/bw couples were not so prevalent, I seen a few sprinkles here and there and thought..hmm, how did they meet them? They look SO happy together.

rainebeaux said...

Ohhh...CC, I know this feeling all TOO well: actually, it was dormant until I started reading/commenting on the BWE/BWIR blogs (in short: "holy crap!! Not just me then? Wooow."). As long as I keep contact with most BM--more specifically, my sperm donor; I too allowed hella abuse, but won't bore anyone here with details--to a bare minimum, I maintain an even temper.

Since you're halfway there in acknowledging your (justified) anger and a need to cool out somewhat, I have nothing further to add other than keep working on/through it (also, PioneerValleyWoman's entire comment).

**Peace within, peace out, and don't hold your breath for BM to finally get their ish together...that's what other men are for [MANY OF US HAVE STRUGGLED ENOUGH...not our job, man].

ValeriesWorld said...

I think one of the biggest problems, is that we see so much damaged black men and not all baby mamas, many make stupid decisions for what ever reasons and they expect black women to pick up the picks. Stand by them, and your own life is wasting away.

There are many decent hard working black men, doing what they have to do, but unfortunately they don't get a look in, it is just these fools and there seem to be at every corner. I saw Divorce Court and the black female judge couldn't understand, where things went so badly wrong for black men.

There have been too much pressure for us accepting badly behaved black men. It is almost that we have been brow beaten to accept men with such low class men, from our parents, church etc and out there we are not able to read the Word of God about worthy men, we listen so much, and we become supporting actors in our own lives.

When we finally wake up and make decisions, we know what we have to do, we have to leave them, but we so want approval of the 'community' and they don't really care and what about God who could guide us.

We know truthful things but we are frightened to deal with it. We have to more away from the familiar and deal with the unfamiliar, and mix with people who are sincere and kind regardless of race and see people as individual.

We have to realise we are not there to save black men. We are worthy to find other men who are suitable.

I don't feel angry anymore, I don't think about them, I always say the Lord will provide. Black men are not part of my life anymore, maybe my cousins, but people who have caused stress in my life. I have to bless them and let them go.

Nana said...

Yes, some black men understand that black women who date interracially may have higher standards, at least in general terms of education, income, etc. But that does not mean they are going to treat you better. If a man disrespects other women, he will not respect you no matter what you are doing in your personal life. We are all women and most men group us all the same. If a man does not show other women the basic respect that all human beings deserve, he will turn on you as soon as you let your guard down.
Many black men are resentful and angry when they see a black woman dating interracially, and yet some respond to their contempt by pursuing that same woman. The question is, if they hadn't seen you dating out, would they have approached you? Probably not. It is not an issue of valuing and respecting you more as a black woman, it is an attempt to "reclaim" your body into their "community".
Honestly I do not care to use nonblack men to teach black men any lesson. My reasons for not wanting to date them have nothing to do with a need to reconcile or negotiate-raciomisogyny is a sickness and I do not have to carry the burden of curing it. I am a woman first and foremost, and all I care about is finding someone who respects and treats me how I deserve to be treated-someone who recognizes my femininity, who PRIORITIZES me, and who will not use my black womanhood against me. The "best" of the black men do not prioritize black women, and they worship white womanhood. That is the main reason why I don't want them-because they do not prize me or my kind as #1.
I agree that hate is never a good thing to carry in your heart. I love two black men in my life very dearly-my brother and my father, and they love me right back. But unfortunately, they are no exception to the raciomisogynist attitudes that plague black women and they are considered "cream of the crop" because they are very attractive, successful men. So no, I do not hate black men but I do judge them and like I said, women should not feel bad about judging certain types of men regardless of race because we are the protectors of our bodies and minds. We have to be responsible for our own wellbeing.

Gina in Chi-Town said...

I feel the same way, except that my dislike is in tandem with a very large amount of disdain.

Black men seem to be like cartoons to me, mostly. Broadly drawn, with exaggerated movements, a weird musical soundtrack (rap( and crazy clothes and tattoos. They don't even seem like real men, just caricatures.

I could never share my life with something like that.

Shan said...

Damaged Black,

That is definitely true of bm. If you smile, make eye contact and speak they think that you want them. My mom told me that that is a sign of a very weak man. Back then, I didn't know what she meant, but I do now, and bm have proven themselves to be very weak.

Truth P,
There is no reason for you feel offended because you are not light. I believe even the light women today know what the deal is behind bm worshiping light skin. Colorstruck (usually darkskin) bm are the only type of men that salivate over light women. If I was a light woman, that is not something I would be proud of. I used to converse with a light woman who had a baby by a well-known NFL player. I won't mention the name because that would give her away, but she told me that this dark skin bm has self hate issues. He looked at her and told her, "You are probably the closeset I will ever get to a white girl." One thing bm cannot do well is hide who they truly are. They will always reveal it whether it's obvious or subtle, which is why I have no sympathy for bw who allow bm to treat them as second rate. You can pretty tell if a bm shows interest in you whether it's genuine or not by following these rules:

Red Flags:
1) The first thing he does is mention your skin tone by saying something like: I love me some redbones, or I usually don't date girls your complexion or the INFAMOUS, What are you mixed with?
2) If your hair is long, he pays more attention to your hair and keeps talking about how other bw don't have long hair and the INFAMOUS, What are you mixed with?
3) He looks you up and down as you are talking like you are a steak and potato dinner. Even if you are a steak, STAY AWAY FROM THIS BM. If the only thing he has on his mind is sex when he meets you, and it shows on his face, then that's the only thing he wants from you!
4)He cannot hold a conversation for the most part or shows no interest when you talk about things other than relationships and sex. It seems as if when BM approach, that's usually what the conversation centers around. They really don't know how to make small talk about random stuff which is sad.
5)When a bm approach and ask you how many kids you got, you say none, and then he says, "That's good. I got 3 on the way." LOL

Please feel free to add to my list of RED FLAGS!

Anonymous said...

@ Nana,

I appreciate your response to Renee. I was thinking along the same lines.

Another poster cant remember the name - think it was Ak, pointed out the same thing to me except it was in the context of ####blocking.

A BM will engage a BW whom he knows is into IR just to waste her time not bc he really is a decent guy or really wants her.

@ Shan
That is too funn
y and true. And they look so hurt when you say no, Im not mixed with anything. LOL

God I am so glad I am missing out on all the glory of the BM!

I have had the evil creepy eye given to me too and made me feel so bad - like I was being chopped into little pieces.

And this is something I still struggle with even though I am no longer dealing with BM because there is that fear in my head that says this guy is going to chop me into little pieces.

And you are right the only thing they can talk about is sex. I used to ask BM so called friends and partners for advice and opinions and the dumb so and sos never had any constructive/positive input offer.

E.G. said...

I have been feeling that for a long while and felt guilty about it. Something happened with my aunt's husband when I was young that made it hard to trust anybody.
I've also had to live with my dad's 'advice' to my brother when we were younger to go out with white women instead of black ones because the black ones will try to trap you into marriage!
I have had black male friends, but up here in Canada, every time I saw a black man he had a white or asian girlfriend, with the usual 'black women are difficult' excuse.
I always told myself that 'No, you have to marry a black guy when the time comes' but you know what? That time still has not come! The only time I was called beautiful that I can remember was by a Philippino guy in a group I was attending.
It's only by reading your blog and others like you that I see I don't have wait forever or be alone until the community pre-approved black male comes along.

April said...

Halima, I can't stand a good number of black men either. There is a reason why black men were slaves to men and women all over the globe. And it isn't because the pale faced is a devil. Black men were defeated by powerful outsiders in the bm's own home of Africa because bm were defective and lacked aptitude. Henceforth slavery and colonization. Black men have been losers for centuries. So when I see a bm's pants hanging down or his illiterate swagger, read about the std's bw get from bm, witness the aggression and hostility bm have toward bw, I know those defective genes are rearing its ugly head. Beloved bw, do yourselves a favor and marry quality wm or non bm from the global community who can offer you comfortable living and lifestyle. Regards.

Halima said...

Black men were defeated by powerful outsiders in the bm's own home of Africa because bm were defective and lacked aptitude

april i dont think bm are 'defective' per say, i think they have given in to reprobate mindsets and are so self engrossed as to leave destruction in their wake.

when you look at what they have become as opposed to what they could have been (even if conqured, still dignified and figting on instead of 'joining them'), it is no wonder many bw feel they cant stand them!

i think many bw over compensate, protesting to be sooo in love with bm, because they are horribly afraid of this creeping up feeling of contempt for the bm!

April said...

Halima, Thanks. I guess I got a little carried away. Regards.

CNS said...

Just a side note, I was shopping in Trader Joe's and I see from a distant a dark skin bm(but not at all good looking) with an attractive white and/or Latino woman. While I am still practicing the ignore method(Love it)I notice him getting ready to mean mug me. I look right pass him. His girlfriend or wife puts up her guard like she is ready for a confrontation. I give her a pleasant reassuring smile as if the say, I don't want your man. I can tell that they probably get confrontation from other black women, but not from me. I felt so proud of myself. I think a year ago I might have given him the side-eye, but now I am completely indifferent. I wonder did they have a conservation about me in the car Lol.

CNS said...

I live in Phoenix ,AZ. There are not a lot of black people here. The few bm prefer to date and marry ww or Latino women. It's cool if that is their preference. Since I decided to do the ignore method, I notice most of the black men I see with their ww/lw are always trying to get my attention. I even had some flat out flirt with me. They think that I should be flattered, but that just makes them more undesirable. You would openly flirt with me right in front of your wife/girlfriend. This is another reason why I am no longer checking for bm.Lol.

Anonymous said...

april i dont think bm are 'defective' per say, i think they have given in to reprobate mindsets and are so self engrossed as to leave destruction in their wake.

Most BM think and behave in a defective manner. Unlike other men, they as a group are self-focused instead of group-focused.

That is the only positive thing that BW can learn from them. To be SELF focused regardless of the fall out. The fate of the "community" and "black race" has been BW's burden for decades if not more.

It's time to lay that baggage and burden down and date and mate out to white and other men who DO realize it's their responsibility to do the heavy lifting, providing, and protecting.

Faith said...

Just when I think you can't possibly top your recent posts - you do!!! I can totally relate in trying to censor myself. I was very angry when it hit me how deep the DBR rabbit-hole goes. I didn't want to feel consumed by it and because I'm around more BM than ever I've had to force myself to remember to treat them as individuals. But man it's a challenge at times because look at the state of the collective! I also have to temper my desire to discuss BWE/IR messaging since obviously many are threatened by it. I just can't contain myself at times though. Trying to find real-life people who want to thrive and aren't immersed in the nonsense is paramount to me right now.

Salli said...

The reason many do feel hurt because we have been hurt and sometimes people just make you think it is all in your mind. I was talking to my cousin and she is starting to date out. She feed the whole Black love thing. I am a Black Woman and our needs to be to be first and foremost and then everything else will fall into place.
The more we look out for our interests, the less tire we will become trying to to tend to all other needs and then our bright light will shine and we will start to experience new things because will have mor energy to do so.

Shan said...

Lying white women are back in full force. I knew her story was sort of suspect. What is a jealous look? Sounds like she is the one who feels inferior to black women. See black women have power in this country. If you have insecure white women crazy enough to maim her face and blame it on a black woman. Then that's power. I know it hurts to be falsely accused but you have to look at the deeper meaning. Black women must mean something serious for her to actually blame it on a blame women.

Of course, she's going to get a free pass simply because she's white. White women know their advantages in this country and they use it to the fullest. That's why she tried the old Jim Crow trick: blame it on a black person because then I know they will believe it. Her face will be maim but I have no sympathy for her. She is mentally sick!

At least the police/media were wise enough to see her foolishness.

Anonymous said...

Lying white women are back in full force. I knew her story was sort of suspect. What is a jealous look? Sounds like she is the one who feels inferior to black women. See black women have power in this country. If you have insecure white women crazy enough to maim her face and blame it on a black woman. Then that's power. I know it hurts to be falsely accused but you have to look at the deeper meaning. Black women must mean something serious for her to actually blame it on a blame women.
but I have no sympathy for her. She is mentally sick!


Yuri said...

Most BM think and behave in a defective manner. Unlike other men, they as a group are self-focused instead of group-focused.

Have to disagree with this. "Group-focus" is most commonly a black thing. It's a situation whereas the group takes on the responsibility of the individual as opposed to the individual being forced to take on full responsibility for self. This is why we see both black women and black men demanding that other blacks give back to the community, help the poor, comes to the defense of those who commit crimes, etc. White men are rarely pressured toward this. They are actually more self-focused.

A society in general is the combined individual habits of each member. So a society composed entirely of individuals who strive to the best they can be, will be a striving society without need of community activism and group think.

It seems that some of you will declare a black man who is doing no more than fully taking care of himself and his family as damaged for not being active in the community, yet that man is actually doing what he is supposed to do and if everyone did as he does, all would be well. But those who don't do as he does will feel no stress because they always know that community saviors will be there to bail them out.

Bronze Sparkles said...

I wish black love would come back in a big way. I don't have any hatred for black men at all but it does hurt the way they act and treat us as women. So for me to sit up here and say "Nothing but a black man for me!" when there are other races of men that are eligible and willing would be ridiculous. My father is a wonderful black man and even he told me that I, along with many of my peers, will probably have to go outside our race to find a decent man. Isn't that sad? Not that I have anything against IR dating but to have to do it because the mentality of the average black man is so messed up? That is a damn shame. I am a great woman with a lot to offer so why should I settle? Whoever I end up with will be the right man for me no matter what color he is.

Cassie said...

What would cause someone to pour caustic acid on their face and claim it was a Black woman? I would really like to know why she would permanently scar herself like that.

Anonymous said...


People mutilate themselves all the time for a number of psychological reasons. Attention, sympathy, some people are cutters/burners

I am still stuck on the part where she blamed a BW.

ak said...


This is why we see both black women and black men demanding that other blacks give back to the community, help the poor, comes to the defense of those who commit crimes, etc. White men are rarely pressured toward this. They are actually more self-focused.

It seems that some of you will declare a black man who is doing no more than fully taking care of himself and his family as damaged for not being active in the community, yet that man is actually doing what he is supposed to do and if everyone did as he does, all would be well. But those who don't do as he does will feel no stress because they always know that community saviors will be there to bail them out.

If white/Asian/Arab etc. men were that self-focused, then their women wouldn't be as (mostly) well-protected, and taken care of as they are. Those men may focus on themselves but they don't leaveout the women of the groups out in the cold en masse as a lot of BM especially these days do.

There are 'good' black men who do what should be 'givens', they get their education, get great careers, buy nice houses, and cars. But even a lot of those 'good' ones don't feel they need to protect the women and children who look the most like them, and they don't do anything to prevent the DBR criminals from coming in and taking over the community.

A lot of the other colors of men don't act like that because how could they preserve their position in society if it all goes to hell on their side if their women have to scrape and scrounge for themselves and their women and children are left to brave the elements all on their own?

GoldenAh said...

I think the best bet is to be indifferent, and not to dwell on, think about, or look at them. The vast majority of black males, like all other men, are strangers to us. We give them too much of our life force and energy. It's doing us no good.

I think we've been tasked - far too often - of giving these strangers the benefit of the doubt, or of being a concern of ours. This has lead to them thinking we owe them something, or that they are entitled to something from us.

Black men have to be carefully evaluated, like all the other guys. If he turns out to be decent, worthwhile, and of quality, then that single individual man is worthy of concern and consideration.

Overall, our goal should be to fully integrate with the rest of this society. A lot of black men are already there. Half the time if black women really want to know where they are - it's usually at an all white party, bar, club, or hot spot.

To put them out of mind, relocate to where you'll rarely see them. I did that dozens of years ago.

Aimee said...

we see both black women and black men demanding that other blacks give back to the community, help the poor, comes to the defense of those who commit crimes, etc. White men are rarely pressured toward this. They are actually more self-focused.

You rarely see men of other races being pressured to give back to their communities to the extent that black men are because other men are already doing so; and when they don't, they are shamed, stigmatized, and rejected by their communities, not begged and hectored to do the right thing. It is really unfortunate if you cannot recognize this.

As for coping with feelings of rage toward black men, I can only repeat the excellent advice already given that the best way to handle such feelings is to detach. Anger reflects attachment, and the ultimate goal should always be to move forward and AWAY from unhealthy, destructive forces. Recognize that you not only have a right to those feelings, but something would be wrong with you if you didn't have them--think of all the mulish women who continue to passively suffer the abuse, exploitation and hostility meted out to them by DBR men. Their quiescence, not anger, is what is unnatural. But anger should just be a stage that you pass through. Accept it as a healthy, appropriate response, and then use it as motivation to move on to the bigger, better people and places in life that you deserve.

On a completely practical level, I would echo GoldenAh--put as much physical distance between yourself and the "community" as possible. I see BM in passing (in the mall, etc.); but other than the ones in my family, I rarely have any substantive interaction with great numbers of BM, largely because they are largely absent from my work, neighborhood and social circle. The ones I do interact with are of the same caliber as everyone else that is part of my life, so they do not generate anger and stress. I do not have a different standard for their conduct and quality than I do for anyone else. I've always been generally careful about the people I surround myself with; it just makes life so much easier.

Shan said...

DBR are so prevalent in today's society that my radar goes up anytime one is within 50 yards of me. Even the ones who dress in a suit and tie can't hide the DBR aura that emanates from them. I have no desire for bm who approach with that "steak eye" looking you up and down like you're a piece of steak. I act like I'm not interested. What makes it worse is when they act like they can't take a hint OR they get mad because you're not interested. Bm really do believe that bw owe them something. When they see that you're not the type of woman they can run over, then you get called stuck-up, uppity, and bougie, and if you're pretty, then they really call you names then.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Since I am not black it might be believed that I have no right to say anything about this issue, but to state my opinion anyway, ( and I should say that I had only come upon this site accidently and read the discussion "thread" regarding the issue of black women's dissatisfaction with black males and I found myself in general agreement with what was said - so I am not completely familiar with the website and it's philosophy ); I think that it is a great service of those whom came up with this site and the issues it addresses. It takes courage to tell like it is and to ignore the criticism that others would or do throw by saying that the site is for "bitter" "self-hating" "blacks whom are anti-black."
It is so sad that there is a certain idea going about that a black person has to completely agree with everything that people of his/her race does so as to prove himself/herself in alliance with his/her ethnic/racial background.

I read the book "The Ten Things You Can't Say In America" by Lary Elder and though there are a few things I can disagree with, I think that Mr Elder is the kind of black man whom should be admired by fellow blacks as well as people of every other race and color.

Sophisticatedblkwoman said...

I can relate to this feeling towards black men. I felt somewhat bad about it s well, but I've sense come to the conclusion that intersexual selection is perfectly normal!

UKsis said...

This is such a great post - I was wondering why when i walk down the street and I approach or see a black man its as if my insides just simply send daggers of contempt!! Im sure they see it in my face too - i normally just look away, but yet don't do that to other people.

Its such a shame I remember back in the days when you used to smile at each other and feel a bond - thats gone as BW we have to find our peace in healthy ways and BM in the most can't begin to cut it!

Ebonychic205 said...

I totally agree with this, and it's pretty much what I was saying on a forum "ALL THE TIME" when I used to be on there. That forum was full of "Make black women feel guilty, black man apologists". It was so hard being one of the very few on there that had to nearly fight my way through all of those types of comments. But like I've said and that was also mentioned when the dicussion of racism and slavery is brought up when referencing the assumption of any white person being gay, black men and women have no problem jumping on the bandwagon without any hesitation willing to assume that any old white man is a racist even without experiencing it or seeing it themselves.

But you can't even provide proof and tell your many experiences about these particular black men without them acting like militant soldiers trying to protect a gold mine, or acting like they hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Then they'll hit you with the "I don't know what type of men yall be around and then go naming their fathers and inner circle like they make up majority of the population.

They can stereotype and call out the actions of a few black women day in and day out and painting all of us with a broad brush but when you explain your gripe throughout life regarding black men it's like you snatched their limbs from them, it's so bizzare but sad at the same time. I really despise how we glamorize male patriarchy in the black community and misogynistic protection, it benefits black women in no way, too bad the black female loyalists don't understand this and keep allowing black men to reopen their wounds. Yet we'll pull racism out a story about bunny rabbits.

They don't realize how hypocritical they look. One of the many reasons I'm put off by black men. They enjoy it because it's keeping their image and reputation decent. These women don't realize they don't need us for anything else, they hate out big mouths and attitudes when it isn't benefitting them but love our big mouths and attitudes when it's making them look good. I'm sick of them and their defenders always shaming black women for our emotions. That's why we stay angry people keep telling us to hold it in.

MY LIFE said...

I honestly think black men have a hatred so deep for themselves that they will destroy everything they come into contact with. I see them as selfish evil doers who act like grown children. They are mischievous creatures. Look at the way they destroy themselves with bullets. Why wouldn't they destroy a black woman who is in close proximity to their madness? The only difference is they do with their penis and not a gun. I am not a victim by any stretch of the imagination due to choice. Throughout all my life I have noticed black men lack character. They're very weak minded. They're easily predictable and controlled. That's one reason why I usually found it hard to desire to date one. I am a thinker and think for myself. I can't stand stupid herd mentality behavior. I think if black women have any chance of happiness don't treat black men like they're a must have instead treat them like they're an option. A distant option such as if all else fails maybe then you will do. lol. I am kidding I will not settle for a trashy black man. I have no problem at all with dating inter racially or staying single. Those choices are actually better than ending up with something destructive in my life. I just think it is safer to date someone who isn't a black man. Black men don't think they just do and that is dangerous for everyone. They spread diseases at rapid paces and have kids all over the place. Look at the std rates for black women. The reason why they're so bad is because black men are dogs who sleep around too much and there are more women than men for them to infect that's why rates are so high in black women. I honestly think the ratio of black men is so low that these same men are recycling their stds at a more rapid pace. A black woman would be smart to lower her chances by dating outside her race because then she will have a larger pool too select from. Good luck ladies. Am I saying other races don't have stds and you shouldn't worry of course not. You should always be smart and aware of who you sleep with. But I am just saying your chances are better if you select from a larger group of men verses one type of man. Think ladies think. I myself can't date someone just cause they're another race, but if I am attracted it is on!

Mileena Bey said...

Absolutely! I'm MGMultiracial and never ever have I had any attraction to black males (not men).
Being that my MGMultiracial mother wasn't very will off I mostly had to live in urban areas infested with those farel oversexed bastards! They made my life hell!

So glad as an adult I don't have many of them in my community or workspace because they always seem the same and I honestly can't stand them in my presence.

It's always been natural for me to date Rainbeaus(Non BM) not BM.

They are the weakest, most worthless, unproductive males on the plant. I'm glad mother natural sees that and is cleaning house 😁

I've heard from many BW say that the only thing BM have to offer is a "big dick"(which is diseased) and I tell them BM are not worth any of the terrible they cause for some "community dick" not all WM are small like BM like to spread around. None the WM I've been in relationships with were. Stop buying the hype lol.