Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The plan is to emasculate the Non black man who you are with!

Yesterday I watched Lakeview Terrace, again. This is the film starring Samuel L. Jackson as an LAPD officer who wants to drive out the interracial couple played by Patrick Wilson and Kerry Washington from the neighbourhood.




Its amazing how certain nuances of the film jumped out at me the second time around. When Patrick's character says to Kerry's 'come on I am always taking shit off black guys because of our relationship', it really calls my attention. Here was a man, taking it in the stomach yet not feeling he could complain even to his wife who possibly is of the school of thought that white men are always ever the aggressor in any social interraction with black men. Indeed for the first half of the movie you do see Kerry trying to stick up for Samuels character even as her husband begins to detect that he hates the thought of them together. If the situation was reversed with Patrick's character disbelieving his black wife's claim about racism etc, it would be a big issue of which in real life the white man would possibly never live down!

However what stood out for me was the section when they are having this 'fight' across the fence with Samuel Jackson holding and wielding the electric saw at the couple. That bit was scary but I noted how Kerry's character was running in to 'rescue' her man and how Samuel's character picked on this and used that as a weapon, calling Patricks character '*8sy' and goading him by saying 'you want her to do the fighting for you' or words to that effect.

This particular part of the film reminded me of an incident that I witnessed last year. A young black girl was walking with what I can assume was her boyfriend, who looked part Asian, suddenly in broad daylight in the shoping mall, two black men accosted the couple. Before you could say 'jack' they were ready to beat the guy down. And as you may well all guess, the black girl ran in between to try and stop them. The girl kept saying 'No leave it, dont, leave it, lets go', to her companion.

I can only assume from how the girl was rushing to break up the situation, and how she said, 'No leave it', that the black men had said something nasty to the couple (as many bm seem to think they have a right to say as they of course should never be held to the same decency standards as everyone else) as they passed them and when the boyfreind responded to them, they set about trying to beat him up indeed to underscore how they, black men, are 'real men' and of course make him less than a man in the eyes of the girl.

The sad thing here is that by running to 'save her man' and stand in the middle, this black girl was still playing to the tune of the emasculation campaign, because women are not supposed to be saving their men from other men.

Black women cannot win for loosing in these situations because doing the sensible thing which is to try to break up the situation, would mean making him less than a man and I am very sure just like the Samuel Jackson character, such a meaning is not lost of many bm out there who provoke such situations to reinforce notions about how they are more men than any others and also to stir insecurities that 'the non black partner will never be the man in this relationship'. 

I remember feeling very angry that day and I think, it was because I was picking up this subtext of the poor bw being in bind, a no win situation of which whatever she does would play into the undermining of her partner. I was also perplexed that many bm actually feel in this 21st century that it is their right to accost bw and non black men and say mean and hurtful things, the same group of men who would cry racism and victimisation if someone else did the same to them!

In the situation that unfolded I can see how the bw would immediately jump in to intervene. He could be seriously injured in a fight especially with two men but if she moves to break up the situation as she did it still looks like a woman having to defend a man who is not up to the job.

There is another thing there and that is that many bw even in such situations, would still have sympathies stationed with black men. Many still try to 'defend' and 'see with' bm. Many interpret bm's reactions as the response of those who are frustrated by racism, injustice (as if this excuses their direct hateful actions) and oppression, not as the deliberate activities of malicious 'brothas' who want to reassert their masculinity and ownership over others, even if others are hurt by their actions.

It is important for bw to realize that many black men who will confront you and your partner are aiming for his masculinity, either directly or by getting you to do it by launching yourself at the situaion!

Like Kerry Washingtons character in Lake View Terrace, many bw also cannot get out of the notion, that it is always the black man who needs defending or who becaue of having less social power than the white man cannot be the aggressor in any interraction with white men etc. But by reasoning thus, you are in essence allowing a situation where bm will be able to act with impunity against you and yours. Whether white or non black men have greater social agency, leverage or power than black men, does not mean that black men do not see when and how they can capitalize on notions of their powerlessness etc to afford them cover to  deal their 'rivals' grievious blows!

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38 comments:

Nana said...

Honestly, this is one of several reasons why I'm glad I do not live in a black community. I would not feel comfortable living in an area where I cannot safely walk with my partner of choice holding hands.

Thankfully, I've never been in any of these situations before, most likely because I prefer to spend time in diverse or majority white areas. In such areas, black men cannot get away with harassment or violent behavior, particularly against white people.

I've gotten plenty of stares and a few confused/dirty looks. Sometimes those large groups of young black hoodlums will laugh and holler as I walk by with my date but nothing serious has happened yet.

Honestly, I HOPE nothing happens. I'm partially banking on the fact that I am not the average black man's type so there is no real loss for them except a blow to the ego that I'm not checking for BM, or other perceived ideas based on insecurity. Still, many of these men are just sick and possessive.

Indeed, this pathology can only be explained by the fact that black women are the only group on earth over whom they have any sort of real, "unchecked" power and privilege. When they see WM with BW, they feel like WM have stolen the only thing they exercise their power over. Without black women, black men have nothing to oppress, and nothing over which they can exert their feigned "manhood".

Faith said...

Yeah...that movie was a HAM with extra MESS. I didn't like the way the couple's relationship was written at all. Nor do I believe Patrick Wilson's character would have been so weak...but it was a Samuel Jackson film so yelling and cursing was the action du jour.

Tam said...

hey Halima, great blog!

i have noticed these things too, and i've noticed the people giving us the most looks are usually BM having dinner with their non-black (esp WW)partners. but what i want to ask is what do I (or we ) do in that situation when black men approach wanting to fight?i don't mean to emasculate him but i feel like i know these guys and what they are capable of better than he (my dude) does, and i think that's what these women are usually trying to prevent. i mean it would scare me because sometimes these black guys are bigger than my dude, and you know that some of these men have nothing to lose...what does he do? what if he does fight and gets seriously injured in the process and rethinks if it is worth-it being with me? i may sound insecure but i can't help it...

Melanie said...

This is the main reason why I don't live in an area with too many blacks. I will call 911 in a hot minute if I feel that anything is escalating so I will not be played with. If I am around ignorant black people (becasue you cannot avoid it all the time) I am usually well aware of what they are doing.....on the sly. I pretend to ignore them, but I am NOT a fool...I will not be caught by surprise. My hubby did not grow up around this foolishness like I did so he doesn't really know how some people can act. But for my sanity I just stay away..but that really has very little to do with being married to a wm...I would not be in that type of environmnet anyway...tooo stressful....always checking your surrounding, wondering if some fool is going to touch you or say something inappropriate to you...I just don't have the time or the psychic energy to deal with that on a constant basis.

Out of Darkness said...

Its going to take some serious courage for black women to date IR because its threats like this that can scare some black women from trying to find love in the global village. Sometimes it posses a threat to your physical safety if you are in the wrong environment like predominantly black areas.

About a year ago there was an incident in the news involving a white navy officer and his girlfriend that were killed by a group of DBRbm. Then there was the incident of the two high school students where the guy was beaten very badly. His mother was very supportive of the couple and they tried to get the crime treated as a hate crime but to no avail.

Black women need to make up their minds that there are determined to do whatever it takes to be with whomever they choose. YOU HAVE ONE LIFE TO LIVE, and this is where your lessons on looking out for ones self- interest comes into play Halima.

Looking for your own self interest as much as it may be liberating for black women has it prices to pay even ones that may not be life threatening. Such as disapproval from family members. I can see some black women loosing friends and family for their choices in mate. Black women may have been bred to seek permission from others and the approval of other people to govern their lives but at this point courage is needed to go against the grain. We can't allow fear to get in the way of what we want. Thats how the DBRbm and their mammy guard dogs win.

Also in situations like this I like to focus on the "war" rather than the "battle". The war is to keep all black women in their place. A place of of lack man-sharing, lowering their standards in men, and simply settling for less than what women of other races get. Black women who date IR should not look at one black womans "battle" in a bad encounter for dating IR and let that throw them off IR dating. When every black woman begins to do that we will be where we are now.
Then the "war" would be lost for black women.

Sunny said...

That movie was a garbage, but I never looked into as you described here. Sometimes I do get nervous about how BM would react to my non-BM partner because I am cat-called and heckled by them fairly often, so I'm sure anger would ensue.

I've actually played these potential scenarios out in my mind (sad we have to do that) and tried to figure out how I'd react, and I am lost. I wouldn't want to add to the emasculating by trying to stop him, but I wouldn't want him to get hurt either.

Maybe some of the ladies here can provide some advice, otherwise the best solution I know is to avoid those areas and situations where this could happen.

Cassie said...

I think the BW in your story did the right thing. In New York, a WM was beaten with bricks by BM because he was dating a Black female.

I would rather intervene and let my boyfriend "look weak" in the eyes of some stupid thugs than let my boyfriend take a beatdown.

He who lives to run away lives to fight another day. (Not sure if that's the actual saying, but you get my drift).

Brenda55 said...

My Dad wise man that he is used to say, "A good run is better than a bad stand." You have to size up the situation.

I as a Black Woman will not let my husband, who is White, be assaulted by anyone no matter his race. He will defend me. We are talking defending ones self against a crime not face saving.

I really think that we are overstating the actual risk to WM/BW couples.

Most Black men will not attempt to get in a fight with a White male or any male for that matter. Most Black men are law abiding citizens. On the other hand you have the thugs who come in all races. Thugs are predators who look for targets of opportunity and any excuse will do the justify their actions.

Now if you have enough sense to avoid areas that will put you in contact with thugs, i.e. predators, otherwise known as the the criminal element, then you have markedly reduced the risk to yourself and your man.

Most White Men do not hang out in areas where there are a majority of Black men. That is just a fact. If you are with him the likelihood of hanging out in or living in majority Black areas is low. That is the reality when you date and marry a White man. So if you want to live in a predominantly Black neighborhood and be married to a White man forget it he is not going to live there with you. You will be moving or you will not be with him.

Zabeth said...

So what’s the solution? I’m not asking to be facetious. I’m serious and solutions oriented- what would be in BW’s best interest when confronted with that type of situation? Should BW step back and let the men resolve it? I know my initial instinct would be to act as Kerry Washington did.

Anonymous said...

I think black women have to take some responsibility for participating in letting black men as a whole believe they are their property. Black women have coddled and played into this one-sided delusion for so long. On the flip side, black men can gallivant, cavort with, and marry any women they see fit. Until black women start being vocal that they are their own beings to do with themselves as they please without approval from anyone, black men will continue to believe the black woman is his property.

Sherry said...

I'm with Cassie. I'm jumping in there because the best fight is no fight. Besides, when you are curled up with your man later, he'll be plenty masculine for ya ...

Karen said...

My advice to some of the commenters is as follows:

Avoid predominantly black areas

Have 911 on speed-dial

Do not put yourself between potential attackers and your partner

Make your partner aware of the dynamics and be aware of your physical surroundings if you do find yourself in areas that may pose a threat

I have only experienced one incident where I was approached. My partner was in the vicinity and suddenly saw my distress. He gave the "look" and started coming with determined steps in my direction and the potential aggressors dispersed. This was in a very public place so that also played a role in that there would have been witnesses (i.e. other white people) had the situation escalated.


Just a few tips...

XaiXai said...

Great post! I can only speak personally, here are my tips:
School your man on the ego dynamics of black males and the dangers involved. I also vet the men in my life for calmness and bravery. I let my man know that if he gives me a signal I wll fight along side him, but always letting him take the lead. I don't consider this masculine, but in the best tradition of warrior women. I carry a weapon. I stay out of areas populated by black males, though this is not fool proof since a single black male can be a roving ghetto when spotting a bw/wm couple! Perhaps because I am inherently a bitch (I don't ask anyone for permission for anything) I seem to attract the same type of men into my life. I guess me and my man make a formidable pair! If trouble happens it's usually when my man leaves my side, which is rare. I've been able to handle myself so far. I think being city born and bred gives you almost a subconscious sense of hypervigilence, that and my BS-o-meter is very sensitive.
I had a major issue with Kerry Washington's character in Lakeview Terrace, there was absolutely no reason for not believing her husband from the very beginning. I've had issues with ww because of my choice of men, my boyfriend at the time didn't see evidence of such but believed me anyway because he trusted my judgement. Any well vetted man in my life deserves the same from me.

Nicole Little said...

Anon says,


I think black women have to take some responsibility for participating in letting black men as a whole believe they are their property. Black women have coddled and played into this one-sided delusion for so long. On the flip side, black men can gallivant, cavort with, and marry any women they see fit. Until black women start being vocal that they are their own beings to do with themselves as they please without approval from anyone, black men will continue to believe the black woman is his property.


Nicole says:

This is real talk. Black women have been stroking black men's ego for so long that then now think that we are their property. I blame us for this. How many times do I have to hear "I want nothing but a black man" or "I want to be a ride or die chick for black men"?
How many times do I have to see books written by black women begging black men to come back? This is something to think about.

India said...

Although I do like a lot of the comments, and will keep this in mind if it ever happens (hopefully it will not), I would have to agree with Nicole and Anon. I can not tell you how tired I am of hearing, "you know only bm are well-endowed", "No one’s better than brothas", “I don‘t do white boys“...I am just sick of hearing these types of comments on online blogs and on youtube. These same women will say a wm dating or married to a bw has "jungle fever". They constantly question a bw dating interracially, but is mute when a bm declares he’s only attracted to non-black women or vice versa. bw are constantly giving bm ego boost, which is no longer needed. This foolishness is part of the problems some of us are dealing with today, i.e. harassments, assaults and murders. I went on youtube and saw a video about a young wm that was attacked by a group of bm, because he was dating a bw and almost all the bm that commented laughed and called wm losers, weak, and stated how ALL women want them and prefer “black sperm”. This is disgusting and it doesn’t help that ANOTHER “black man come back” book is out. This is not the fault of ALL bw, but it is absolutely ridiculous how some bw are trying to earn brownie points by coddling these thugs.

Matthew said...

I allways end up watching Lakeview Terrace when it happens to be on, even though i find a lot of it uncomfortable to watch.

I think stopping him from a fight was the one thing she did right in the film.I especially hate how she defends sam jackson when her husband first tells her about his views, the time she refers to him as "a brother" and when she doesnt put her foot down on her father when they disagree on wether she should have kids.

Anonymous said...

Remember, Lakeview Terrace is only a movie. We know the majority of bw would have sided with her husband.

a.

Anonymous said...

I was talking to a co-worker and she said she told her 20something daughter that it was OK if she dated out.

Good for her.

a.

Oshun said...

I don't think its wise at all for any woman to get involved in trying to stop a physical altercation between 2 or more men.

The only exception is if you have a loaded gun and really know how to use it.

I am reading some of the comments and they almost sound "romantic" in a Bonnie and Clyde lets ride off into the sunset kind of way.


But they are not realistic. A woman can not physically protect a man from another man. All she can do is volunteer her face as a punching bag. If BW could go toe to toe with a man and win then we wouldn't have the domestic violence and murder rates we do by black men.


Even a small man 5'4" - 140llbs is stronger than a woman and can tear most women of any size up. Based on that alone if it comes down to blows - the men should handle it.


Would I pass him a weapon or tell him to look out if one of the other men in the altercation had a weapon or was about to place him in an unfavorable position - yes.

As far as volunteering my chin to be checked - noooo bueno.


I would also:

1. Call 911 asap

2. Take pics or vid with my cell for evidence

3. Try to find security if there is any nearby

4. If in public yell fire

5. Run into a crowded place and yell fire - to get other's attention

arthur said...

Interesting question. My first reaction was the usual man's thought that it is up to me to handle confrontation with other males.

But reading some of the responses has given me second thoughts. It sounds like bm may be somewhat used to having a bw step into a faceoff and may ease off in response to it. If that's the case, then I'd stand back and let her do what she could. If it all falls apart anyway, we'd be no worse off.

Halima said...

In terms of what bw can do, i agree with the commentor/s who say that bw need to, before hand, explain the whole bm ego dynamic issue with their non black partners.

Its not just because you might get attacked it also helps explain a good range of activities and behaviour that bm will and often put up in the presence of such men if and when they are aware they are dating a bw.

it gives a context to the non-black partner for everything from bm maligning and trying to defame bw to bw challenging them to 'pissing competitions', or etc.

Many bw allow their men to fall into these situations without any 'heads up' and like the KW character in the movie are often to be seen more interested in sympathizing and empathizing with the poor misunderstood and down trodden bm.

If you explain this to your partner prior to any such accosting (please God it doesnt happen), then he can see it for what it is and will be happy to smile and say, 'whatever guys, bye', as opposed to think this is some genuine issue which he needs to respond to and which would then escalate into a physical fight.

As for overstating this situtaion, well I just mentioned a real life happening that i witnessed and i have even heard of worse. i also wager that 3/5 bw couples have experinced some form of harrasment (verbal or otherwise) at some point when out with their white partners. it is a real issue that need not be downplayed!

Halima said...

bw challenging them to 'pissing competitions', or etc.

should read: bm challenging them to 'pissing competitions', or etc.

Halima said...

I also need to add that I think a heads up is even more crucial if bw are dating asian and other non white men because there are some cruel sterotypes out there that bm just love to 'aim' and shoot at such men (because somehow it is strangely ok for bm to deploy the use of sterotypes for everyone else but one dare not use it against them, that would be racism you know, that nasty thing!).

As in the particular case i cited in the blog article, i can imagine that after constant needling and harrasment it would just lead to frustration and a breaking point for the couple (which is possibly the intended outcome).

the sad thing was the way she said 'no leave it' etc I just knew that this kind of harrasement had happened before and possibly a couple of times before!

Anonymous said...

Hi Halima,

I just read all the comments and wanted to add this;

In the situations I have been in ( only a few ) there were mainly bm giving me "side eye" or "mean muggin" me and making comments amongst themselves.

I found it SOOOOO typical. And to the commentor who said that it would be best to prepare your white male date/partner..I think that is good advice to a certain extent.

ANd that extent is this - it would be best to just discuss the issue ONE TIME, mention in passing that there "may be a few guys at (name locale/venue/event) that may be kind of "hostile" to us being there.
This will allow your potential mate to make the decision to either go with full awareness or not go..and make other arrangements for your evening.

I also wanted to second the commentor who like me is "on the sly FULLY FULLY aware" of what the young/dbrs are doing in the general vicinity whenever my white husband and I go to large public outdoor events/gatherings etc.

And in closing - let's be honest. For the very real majority of my husband and I going out and about - we live in a majority white area, we dine in majority white areas, we vacation in majority white areas...I hope you can see the pattern here.
When you begin dating exclusively white there are less and less REASONS to even venture back into all black/majority black areas and hence there are no to minimum chances of running into idiots that openly display their lack, their inability to provide and their subsequent jealousy.

MsMellody

ak said...

Out of Darkness:

Black women may have been bred to seek permission from others and the approval of other people to govern their lives but at this point courage is needed to go against the grain. We can't allow fear to get in the way of what we want. Thats how the DBRbm and their mammy guard dogs win.




My thoughts exactly Out of Darkness!

Anonymous said...

"let's be honest. For the very real majority of my husband and I going out and about - we live in a majority white area, we dine in majority white areas, we vacation in majority white areas...I hope you can see the pattern here. "

This is exactly what the well-off financially bm does.


l.

Pamela said...

I had quit being around mostly all-black surroundings long before I married my lovely husband. When we were dating I mentioned some of what we might face depending on where we end up. He had no idea that Tulsa, OK was pretty tolerant of IR couples. Since we started dating we have not gone to places really where it would be expected for this type of madness to happen. However I know my husband would back me up in a heartbeat. In general he hates oppression of any kind and stands up strong. He would not fall for the attempts to emasculate him for a second. The reason is that he is not trying to prove anything to anyone and he lives to please, protect and honor me, however that is accomplished.

I would suggest that women who are in or may be in IR relationships to take steps like you would to protect yourself if you were alone. Do not go to places where you know or suspect that ghetto acting people of any stripe hang out, especially where the majority of blacks congregate. Know your surroundings. Like some suggested, carry a weapon if you are comfortable doing so for defense. Note: we are allowed to carry concealed weapons here.

ARLYNE said...

@ARTHUR (and other non-BM)

I wish you would reconsider handling these situations man to man. In past generations, BM were at a severe disadvantage in a confrontation with WM. He could be lynched for the least provocation. Because of this, BW were forced to step up because often WM would not mead out violence onto BW like they would BM. So due to this abnormal situation, BW could not be normal, feminine women and let men fight man to man. They were forced to be the BM's protectors and defenders.

Now, that is history today BM have civil rights.

But unfortunately because of this history, BW continue to engage in mothering, protecting and even confrontational behavior. It would be beneficial and healing for BW to be protected. You would be surprised to see how many BW will be relieved to stand back and watch a masculine man 'handling' the situation(this does not always have to be 'fighting'). I am more than happy and appreciate my husband for protecting our family. This one of the tenets of masculinity, protector.

BW for generations have been deprived of being normal women. Please do not let this continue by also accepting this forced abnormal behavior.

Anonymous said...

well im not sure where the people from this forum is located but im from the deep south and most of the other white guys i know dont mind getting their fists bloodied if someone tried to confront them about their relationships, and 90% of them maybe even more legally carry concealed if the situation turns to that, so basically if your having these problems go get your guy a glock or a ruger in like a 9mm or bigger (i like .40 cals), take him to the police dept to apply for a permit (they are like $5) and dont forget to buy him a box of rounds because he going to want to shoot

Anonymous said...

"Because of this, BW were forced to step up because often WM would not mead out violence onto BW like they would BM."


You're kidding right? WM would mead out violence to anyone with black skin back then. BW gotten beaten like men in the "old" days. I cannot believe this came from a BW.
White men of today are nothing like they were even 50 years ago and should not be held responsible for the trangressions of past WM but, don't be naive enough to think that they didn't assault us as quickly and sometimes quicker than they would bm.

Anonymous said...

Arlyne said:

" In past generations, BM were at a severe disadvantage in a confrontation with WM. He could be lynched for the least provocation. Because of this, BW were forced to step up because often WM would not mead out violence onto BW like they would BM."

FoxyC says:

This is a myth that has been told so bm could tell bw that they haven't really 'suffered' like bm. Its in the history books. SEVERAL bw were lynched just like bm were. Some were even lynched bcos they stupidly tried protecting an accused bm and ended up sufferring d same fate. I wish bw would look up ACTUAL history instead of going with the opportunistic tripe the 'bm establishment' has tried 2 sell them. Bw have indeed been trained 2 protect bm but have generally had to pay for it. Remember, in those days, bw were not seen or treated as 'ladies' so the usual chivalry that was afforded ww was not meted out 2 bw. Everybody knew this. It was bm sheer cowardice that they let bw do the fighting for them. Even as recent as d civil rights movement, just google some pics n u will see bw AT THE FRONT being hosed down, dogs on them, beaten by police. There was NO reason 4 d bm that let the women be infront 2 believe that it wouldn't happen. Malcolm X even called bm out on this very issue!

As for the issue of jumping in to break up a fight, I don't even jump in to stop two females fighting, so y would I do it when it is two males? I would stand back and call out for them to stop (after I've dailled 911). However, my philosophy is that if there is any way of walking away from a fight, always take it. I would expect my man to defend my honour as well as protect me but if there is no imminent danger, I don't see y he should filthy his self by having any sort of physical contact with some low life thug nor spend our precious time engaging with one. I am a master in the art of 'nig-noring' (I stole that word from another commenter lol) and I will happily school my significant other on the art!


FoxyCleopatra

sisterlocgirl said...

I must say this movie worked my nerves as well, and I was especially irritated by KWs refusal to take her hubby at his word. As many have already posted my BS-o-meter is always on high, but its on no matter where I am. I monitor EVERYONE , not just black folks. I see anyone acting peculiarly as a potential threat and my hubby is well aware that my sensitivity to these things is far more honed than his. If I tell him we need to leave a particular situation quickly there's no discussion. . .we just leave. Same for me. If he tells me " Let's go " I shut up & we leave. We discuss after the fact. Check in your area the laws regarding carrying concealed and seriously look into finding other ways to defend yourself. I would never condone leaping into a fight between men, but seriously, if there's more than one potential assailant your man can't pull a Bruce Lee and beat everyone in the vicinity before they get to you. Personal security is not just the responsibility of your man. As a team BOTH of you should be prepared to deal with potential threats to your lives. The security aspect of dating out comes up from time to time, but it is another serious aspect of this discussion.

Breanna said...

Hey, Im also interested in interracial talk since I myself am married to a handsome white man and I'm a black woman. I just wrote a blog about Jill Scott "wincing" towards interracial relationships and I would loooovvve for you all to check it out.

http://www.wegiveinfo.com/2011/06/jill-scott-downs-interracial.html

Oshun said...

@ Foxy - cosigning everything. Esp expecting the man to fight to defend your honor. Having a BW jump in to defend sounds too much like that inhuman she man black community BS. And can get a BW really hurt if not worse.


I agree with Halima and all the other posters when they said that BW should hip their partners/husbands to how BM are on this issue so they can be prepared. Avoiding the situation is ideal.


But if you and your SO should find yourselves in such a situation - he should handle it. Most BM are afraid of WM so it may be a situation of bravado -which any mature/balanced man should handle.


But if it goes further than that in the case of :

"but seriously, if there's more than one potential assailant your man can't pull a Bruce Lee and beat everyone in the vicinity before they get to you"



That is why I gave the tips I gave. In the class I helped put together on safety for Black Girls in my area (from a Sojourner's Passport blog)

The instructors all said that whenever you are being attacked - in that case sexual- but can still apply here- you never yell help. You always yell fire. People tend to see and hear no evil when you yell help. But for some reason people always respond when you yell fire.


In seeking help such as 911, security, or by drawing attention by yelling fire - hopefully there are other whites/nonblacks - preferably white men around.

One thing that I noticed is that whites tend to rally together in policing others and their behavior in public spaces. I am sure that some of the blog commenters have seen videos of whites on public transport (subways, buses etc) standing up for other white passengers/bystanders (whether right or wrong) against other passengers/bystanders of color. So this is something BW can use to their advantage.

Aimee said...

Hi Halima!

I have to say that I have seen women of many races attempt to hold their men back from engaging in fights(which I think is very different from "jumping in the fight" which I agree is not a woman's place AT ALL). They don't do so because they are trying to act as protectors of their men or "join" the fight on their man's side. These women recognize that a woman's role has always been as a peacemaker--to discourage violence and conflict whenever she can. The image of the woman begging her man not to go off to war, not to engage in conflict is so embedded in our popular culture that is part of our subconscious.

Certainly, if her man sizes up the situation and decides that he MUST stand and fight, his woman should respect that decision; but I don't think a woman is wrong to encourage her man to walk away in the first instance. Most violence happens because cooler heads haven't prevailed, and I think it would be irresponsible for a woman in a situation like that to stand there and say nothing while her man allows himself, in a moment of weakness, to be taunted into a street brawl. That's the kind of behavior that these thugs engage in all the time and that their "females" encourage, because they have nothing to lose. They don't value their lives on any level--not their physical well-being or their freedom as law-abiding citizen, and they have no capacity to express themselves other than through violence.

I think most of us are choosing partners that are better than this, and who are secure enough in themselves as men that what some loser on a street corner says can't possibly undermine their sense of who they are.

Sometimes I think black women are so used to dealing with DBRBM and their eternal masculinity crisis that we forget that normal men are secure in themselves as men. They don't need to play these criminal games to build themselves up, and we don't need us to tip toe around them like atom bombs to protect their "manhood." And thankfully, outside of the 'hood, this kind of mess will be handled by the police, as it should be in a civilized society. They can catcall and mean-mug all they want, but if they try to cross the line in a decent community they'll find themselves cuffed in the back of a police cruiser. That's why smart black women need to get out of the 'hood.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this article is so truthful. I was dating a white man and we were approach by a black man and words were exchange between them. My date does not play around and he took care of this person. I never believe in protecting a man and my date told me I am a lady and he is the man in this relationship. He stated to me his job is to protect me.

Donna said...

My husband, who is white, owns two guns and also has a carry permit here in FL. Any man (or men), no matter what color, would stand a good chance of getting shot if he/they attacked me when I was with my husband, or my husband if he were alone. I also own a gun and a carry permit.

Men aren't afraid of women at all, but they're real afraid of getting shot.

My husband is also a fairly large, physically initmidating man who was in the Army Rangers, and is not a guy that most sane people would look at and think, "Hmmm, there's an easy target".

We've never been bothered by any black men while together. But I had a brother follow me around at Walgreen's, whispering sex stuff to me, and then he somehow showed up at my car (I didn't think he had followed me outside when I left) in the parking lot when was opened the door, telling me again how fine I was, and when I told him to get lost, he started getting very angry and abusive. I pulled out my gun, a .38, and he didn't say anything else, he just ran away without a word. Still, I was shaking. I reported it to the police, and cried like a baby when I called my husband up on the phone to tell him. I'm glad I had the gun with me, though, otherwise I might have been crying about some other kind of outcome. A pistol is a very handy thing for a law-abiding black women to have.

ironic_rose said...

Just came across this post and read something about a white man not being to live in a predominantly black neighborhood with his black girlfriend. All I have to say is that it is most definitely NOT TRUE. If you go to a poverty stricken area where the MAJORITY of the people who reside there are black, does NOT MEAN that there are not people of the other races who live there as well. Also, I have been in area's like that and have walked inside the grocery store and have seen multiple white man/black woman couples walking down the aisles together. There ARE white races that cannot afford to live in other areas but the predominantly black areas. OPEN YOUR EYES.