Monday, November 07, 2011

Time to detach black women who are stuck

Many of your black female peers and even those you look up to as bw going somewhere or doing something with their lives are stuck.

They will not be able to get over this particular hurdle of opening up to a broader pool of men. Many are caught between the new and old worlds, having been instilled with the idea of being with a man from the black race only, and now understanding on an intellectual level that that policy has failed them, but still being unable to detangle themselves from the strong and long term emotional attachments and the values built up over the years around this failed protocol. One woman said to me a while back, that 'if we date out then we dont believe in ourselves'. Someone tied her to perpetual bondage to black men by convincing her that any such decision to date others would be made out of a rejecting black people. They locked her in to this fear of doing it from such a detestable reason when she could date out for a wide variety of reasons.

Folks have attached all sorts of readings to black women doing specific things and these interpretations controls black women. One of the strongest controlling ideas for black women is the notion that they are not self loving, once you attach the hint of lack of black self love to any enterprize, you can easily manipulate the bulk of black women out of it.

So you can get black women to restrict themselves to socailizing with only other black folks by telling them if they feel even a slight desire to mingle with others, its because they hate their people or are being brainwahsed to 'fear' their own, and so they hang around even with obviously toxic black folk, forgoing the world of opportunity out there to attend only HBCU etc etc. Just by raising the accusation that they are making choices out of a deep seated, ‘lack of black self love’ you can get them to turn away from any beneficial course of action.

Some of you should say, ‘so be it, I still want to have this experience regardless.’ You will be surprised to find that 1) You will not be struck by lightening 2) You will discover and clarify the real reason why you made the choices.

It is amazing that black women are the ones almost obsessed about proving loyalty to race at every turn, even when they are doing more than anyone else for this loyalty! Indeed one would wonder why bm don’t feel at similar pains to ‘prove’ how faithful they are to their race given what they get up to on the romantic front!

Some bw are looking for others to walk them through life. Life is to be lived for yourself, you have to go through it, therefore stop looking for hand railings and constant hand holding.

This is an individual battle now for each black woman, especially the younger ones, I cant emphasis this enough. Recognize that they your older sisters are stuck and you must get away from them to preserve your life and move forward. They may look good and together but in this specific issue of black women getting the relationships they want, you will see that they will be unable to either face the facts, or courageously -given all the evidence -chart a different course to the one they are on and advice others to do so too. They are often stuck in the wrong priorities eg locked into ‘defending the race’, mode instead of grappling with the real and pressing need for bw to update their game plan to move forward.

Don’t look round you to gauge what others are doing or measure your tracks against sister A or B. This is one of those things that you are going to have to go into your room and secretly plot your way forward. Think about what you want out of life, think clearly about the routes that will get you there and just pursue these with flint focus.

Many bw also live within ideological enclaves. They are in a place where the only broadcasts and wisdom and thinking that accesses them is unchallenged black thought. From morning till night they are being recharged and topped up in only these unscrutinized ideas.

Bound within the flow of only black perspectives

Black women who stand bang in the middle of black though systems will never get the healthy critical separation they need to be able to scrutinize dominant black perspectives, especially if they are also held bound by manufactured notions like ‘a black woman should agree with whatever the black position is on any issue (the position as articulated in black commentary).'

Most black women actually fully ’trust’ the declared black position on things instead of regarding it as possibly being wrong and counterproductive which would introduce some healthy suspicion!

Think about it like this:

If a young child is told by its parent to touch a hot surface, chances are high that that child will do just that. Why? Well one reason is the ‘trust’ that that child places in the parent. They think the parent will and is always looking out for their good and would never lead them wrong!

With a greater understanding of the world, a child will realize the dangers of hot objects which will raise a dissonance with the idea that the parent never wants to hurt them in anything they ask of them, such a dissonance would be a life saver.

Also with greater contact with the outside world, the child can and begins to have a healthy intellectual and questioning distance from everything the parent says (from having access to other view points). The emergence of a strong personal identity (i.e. I am a ‘separate being’ from you and I have clearly defined interests many of which are different from yours), puts them in the right frame of mind for defending this seperate being (them) and any interests.

However the majority of black women fully embrace and trust the black consensus view and what is worse, are tied in to an even tighter embrace by this manufactured belief that a good black woman always backs up other blacks (backing up other blacks being defined as approving of any and every black persons actions when they are asked to account).

Wrapped up in all of this however is the underlying question, will bw be fair to themselves? It is shocking isn’t it, that when you look at it, the bw near you still making excuses as to why bw should continue to pin their hopes to bm or focus energy in ‘policy’ issues to help bm rise up, is essentially being unkind to herself! She cannot find it in herself to be kind hearted enough to loosen herself and fellow bw from something she clearly sees is failing them. She would rather defend it at the expense of her life and well-being and that of other black woman. Ultimately black women are nothing but a means to an end.

If as a younger black woman you feel it is time to be ‘fair’ to you, then take yourself away from the ‘commune’ of women who clearly feel that bw should happily stay put and take all their knocks, who are desperate to live under the black unity umbrella more than  they would want to save their lives!
Wondering about Interracial dating?

I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to:


VivaTiramisu said...

Great Post,Halima.

i, too have had to detach and let go of those bw in my birth family who were stuck...somebody has to break the cycle.

Pamela said...

Excellent post, Halima. I am glad to be one of the older gals that was never stuck. You can imagine the issues I have had talking with gals my age about these issues. I quit that long ago because I was not going to be drug down into their madness. I moved on and glad that I did.

Pamela said...

To all the young gals: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! Those people want you to be in the shape they are in. More than likely they will react badly to you out of sheer jealousy. You have many years of happiness ahead of you. Don't waste a moment listening to that trash.

Anonymous said...

Great post. The thing is...many bw do not want to be's almost like they are afraid that all of their fears will be confirmed so they remain where they are. But the only way to win in life is to take risks. Without risk it is virtually impossible to be successful. Most bw understand this in their professional/work life but do not want to apply this truth in their personal lives. When Iwas younger (now 39) I partially believed that wm wouldn't want to marry a bw...too much trouble, not attracted etc. But that was my preference so I assumed I would end up alone. I thought this as young as Jr high school. Anyway, although I believed this lie I always felt more comfortable with white people..primarily becasue they were not always telling me that I could like certain music, movies, events etc...they just let me be me. Anyway, even though I felt that I was destined to be alone, I would not pass up on a great guy that woule love me. So when wm showed interest I responded. This is the part that I don't understand about how bw reject wm. If there is a wm in front of you showing interest why pass that up. I guess programming in very deep. A woman knows when a man is interested..but most bw just dismiss it...or give the guy bad motives, or decide to try to preserve the black race alone. I don't's crazy. I do not surround myself with women like this...ALL of my bw friends are in ir..why because we were beautiful bw who were open to what life brought to us...we were not waiting to be a political not for us. An as most educated bm do not want to marry bw it was not difficult to marry a wm....I think I would have done this even if there were bm interested in was my preference.

Anonymous said...

I'm an "older" young black woman. For the younger ones out there, I echo Pamela... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

I don't even (unfortunately) keep contact with a lot of the single black women I even knew five years ago who were all about the BC (and some of us went WAY back). Why? Well, I didn't restrict my life to "black only" and as the fruition of life played out, far too many (all but two) found out the hard way that I wasn't lying about our community being limiting in future opportunities. BTW, I'm also the one from the South who was asked out by "good catch" white men. As far too many got "played" by men that had a harem at their disposal, there was a lot of resentment that I was having better relationships than they were. Did I know that at the time? No. It came out later. AFTER I had left some good men, and was questioning my OWN decisions. (I wish I had been more marriage minded at a younger age). Ladies, don't get stuck.

Do you. And if that involves letting go of some friends, some family members... let it go. I can say with FACT, that far too many try to follow my moves now. Not because I'm married (I've had two that "got away" due to my own not-readiness), but because even my mistakes were better than their "successes".

With all honesty, they cared more about my relationships than I EVER did about theirs, because I saw no advantage to their future possibilities, and they saw futures with my exes that were not available with their men. EERRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy one of them is now more "open" to other men after seeing my relationships as compared to theirs. Do I still talk to them? Nope. Because, you have to know when to separate. Just do so before other folks try to "separate" YOU from options due to their own insecurities.

Toni said...

I've come to the conclusion that trying to get people to move out of the path of an oncoming train when they don't want to is itself suicide; All that happens is you throw your own life away just as these zombies are.

Communication of this kind should be reserved for people who are willing to listen and do what they must to live better lives.

I'm not going to debate with someone about their own self worth and who are so BM-identified, they have to be persuaded to put their own survival first.

As I said on another blog, I go back and forth between feelings of sorrow and apathy towards such women, because I already know it's not going to end well for them.

But then I remember that ultimately, the choice and power to go out and to do is their own. I cannot make it for them, I have my own life to live, and that's where the majority of my energy belongs.

Pamela said...

As an AARP eligible gal I would definitely agree with Toni. More than likely the women you may try and reach have had a chance to watch your life. That is enough of an example for them in my humble opinion, especially if you were once in the throes of the BC madness.

I have a friend of mine (about a year older than me) in mind when I read posts like this. I was around predominantly black circles at times, mainly at church. I was in integrated settings in school, college and work. My friend went to college off and on finally earning her degree in 1995. Unfortunately she chose a field where she needs a master (preferably a doctorate) to make any money. I could tell her tale but it would be too long. The bottom line is that not only is she one that will only date bm; she is a mule of the worse kind (one that believes that da Lord wants her to do all this stuff). After a while she quit talking to me about her woes. We are still close friends but she knows I will shoot straight with her. I hate for both of us to be 60 in a few years and she is still at the same spot needlessly. She could have made different choices along the way. I have even offered to help her in some cases. I guess she thought my approach was too hard. My friend has also been in integrated settings after she was grown. Right now she is attending a church where I believe she is the only black person attending or very few. Her approach makes no sense to me. The definition of insanity.

Grown women can make up their own minds just like I do. I have no sympathy for the ones I have been around. I hate it continues to happen to them but they chose it. I am not a mule and will never become one, especially now that after many years (all my days) unmarried I was blessed to marry a lovely man a few days after my 50th.