They will not be able to get over this particular hurdle of opening up to a broader pool of men. Many are caught between the new and old worlds, having been instilled with the idea of being with a man from the black race only, and now understanding on an intellectual level that that policy has failed them, but still being unable to detangle themselves from the strong and long term emotional attachments and the values built up over the years around this failed protocol. One woman said to me a while back, that 'if we date out then we dont believe in ourselves'. Someone tied her to perpetual bondage to black men by convincing her that any such decision to date others would be made out of a rejecting black people. They locked her in to this fear of doing it from such a detestable reason when she could date out for a wide variety of reasons.
Folks have attached all sorts of readings to black women doing specific things and these interpretations controls black women. One of the strongest controlling ideas for black women is the notion that they are not self loving, once you attach the hint of lack of black self love to any enterprize, you can easily manipulate the bulk of black women out of it.
So you can get black women to restrict themselves to socailizing with only other black folks by telling them if they feel even a slight desire to mingle with others, its because they hate their people or are being brainwahsed to 'fear' their own, and so they hang around even with obviously toxic black folk, forgoing the world of opportunity out there to attend only HBCU etc etc. Just by raising the accusation that they are making choices out of a deep seated, ‘lack of black self love’ you can get them to turn away from any beneficial course of action.
Some of you should say, ‘so be it, I still want to have this experience regardless.’ You will be surprised to find that 1) You will not be struck by lightening 2) You will discover and clarify the real reason why you made the choices.
It is amazing that black women are the ones almost obsessed about proving loyalty to race at every turn, even when they are doing more than anyone else for this loyalty! Indeed one would wonder why bm don’t feel at similar pains to ‘prove’ how faithful they are to their race given what they get up to on the romantic front!
This is an individual battle now for each black woman, especially the younger ones, I cant emphasis this enough. Recognize that they your older sisters are stuck and you must get away from them to preserve your life and move forward. They may look good and together but in this specific issue of black women getting the relationships they want, you will see that they will be unable to either face the facts, or courageously -given all the evidence -chart a different course to the one they are on and advice others to do so too. They are often stuck in the wrong priorities eg locked into ‘defending the race’, mode instead of grappling with the real and pressing need for bw to update their game plan to move forward.
Don’t look round you to gauge what others are doing or measure your tracks against sister A or B. This is one of those things that you are going to have to go into your room and secretly plot your way forward. Think about what you want out of life, think clearly about the routes that will get you there and just pursue these with flint focus.
Many bw also live within ideological enclaves. They are in a place where the only broadcasts and wisdom and thinking that accesses them is unchallenged black thought. From morning till night they are being recharged and topped up in only these unscrutinized ideas.
Most black women actually fully ’trust’ the declared black position on things instead of regarding it as possibly being wrong and counterproductive which would introduce some healthy suspicion!
Think about it like this:
If a young child is told by its parent to touch a hot surface, chances are high that that child will do just that. Why? Well one reason is the ‘trust’ that that child places in the parent. They think the parent will and is always looking out for their good and would never lead them wrong!
With a greater understanding of the world, a child will realize the dangers of hot objects which will raise a dissonance with the idea that the parent never wants to hurt them in anything they ask of them, such a dissonance would be a life saver.
Also with greater contact with the outside world, the child can and begins to have a healthy intellectual and questioning distance from everything the parent says (from having access to other view points). The emergence of a strong personal identity (i.e. I am a ‘separate being’ from you and I have clearly defined interests many of which are different from yours), puts them in the right frame of mind for defending this seperate being (them) and any interests.
However the majority of black women fully embrace and trust the black consensus view and what is worse, are tied in to an even tighter embrace by this manufactured belief that a good black woman always backs up other blacks (backing up other blacks being defined as approving of any and every black persons actions when they are asked to account).
Wrapped up in all of this however is the underlying question, will bw be fair to themselves? It is shocking isn’t it, that when you look at it, the bw near you still making excuses as to why bw should continue to pin their hopes to bm or focus energy in ‘policy’ issues to help bm rise up, is essentially being unkind to herself! She cannot find it in herself to be kind hearted enough to loosen herself and fellow bw from something she clearly sees is failing them. She would rather defend it at the expense of her life and well-being and that of other black woman. Ultimately black women are nothing but a means to an end.
If as a younger black woman you feel it is time to be ‘fair’ to you, then take yourself away from the ‘commune’ of women who clearly feel that bw should happily stay put and take all their knocks, who are desperate to live under the black unity umbrella more than they would want to save their lives!
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