Sunday, May 27, 2012

Am I crazy for feeling cheated by my Black Ex?

Aloha, very glad to have found your website as I am expecting and a bit stressed. I am a BW now married to a WM, this is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 16 years to a BM who was military. Very stressful. We have four children together whom he has not contacted in several years racking up 40k in back support. All this from an educated BM who more than had the resources to pay the little ordered and then some. He now has two more children with an Italian/Black woman whom he has not married. I of course am remarried to a WM who has resumed the responsibility of raising my four and our one we will soon have. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because of pregnancy but I'm experiencing feelings of bitterness towards my ex for not sticking around and raising his children especially his only son. I tried to make it easy for him and he just was not interested. I came to the conclusion that while making the babies was fun when it finally came to the very real responsibility of raising his children when he was placed on shore duty it was some he wanted nothing to do with. He of course used most of his time to cheat with non BW and ignore his family. This is a different experience from my now husband who spent most of his time actively looking for a partner to marry and start a family with but failing. Big contrast a lot of bitterness. I'm raising a BM I don't want his behaviour to echo his bio dads. I kinda feel like most BM are not wanting to be family types but WM after an appropriate time see it as a much wanted milestone. Am I crazy?! - M

Aloha M

I dont think you are crazy for feeling cheated by your ex not taking up his responsibilities for your children. Your feelings of guilt at having these emotions however says a lot about the fact that black women are cautioned not to make any demands on black men and not to make life in anyway complicated for black men who need to be free of all obligations and responsbilities. Such is the warning, that when we ask them to carry their own share of any family responsibility, we start to feel guilty and ashamed as if we are imposing on them and not that we are simply requiring them to take up their fair share and as they should.

Stress, pregnancy and hormones has possibly forced to the surface, the repressed anger at yielding to being taken advantage of, and maybe it has forced you to break with the program that you are expected to follow, so now you do not want to continue to be 'reasonable' as expected.

I have noticed that most black families dont groom their male children to 'take over the family business', so to say. In other words black men are raised to dogde any family burdens, tasks or responsibility. They are not raised to see themselves as one day taking up the responsbility of mama and papa (if there is one in the house!). Instead it is assumed that the daughters will step in to ensure that black males have as unencumbered a life and lifestyle as possible. Sadly black men do what they can get away with and black women have been lectured to ensure that the black man gets away with the whole game and at her expence!

Black women are positioned as the resource and black men the parasite who can and should feed off her if he so desires, this is how the black subculture positions the genders such that black women have to deliberately opt out of the arrangement. I say deliberately because at this point, any black woman who drifts into a relationship with any black man is almost 80% certain to find her relationship with him tracing this vampyric path even in marriage! Just by being with a black man, a black woman almost certainly has signed up to this contract of being resource drained (I have argued this in my book First Steps to Personal Empowerment that the devalued status of black women is ubiquitous in the black setting such that black marrige now offers no guarantee of division of labor). Indeed the using of black women as resource, now follows black women into marriage relationships where black man see marriage as another effective space to better effect the 'feeding off black women' cycle.

My suggestion is however that you let him and his issues fade away, because there is nothing that can be done to get what is owed you or get justice regarding this situation.

Immerse yourself in your new and honorable man, give him a big kiss and a neck rub, because you dont know how lucky you are to be with a man who can be so generous and chilvarous. Dont let any bad feelings and past issues come in to sour your relationship for even two seconds. And when your son sees you respond with admiration and respect he will know that this, this is what a real man; who earns the love and respect of a woman, does. You see the thing is that we have to give clear messages to our children about what a man of honor really is. The sad thing is that many of us bw (urged by the black community), have sent out a confusing message to our young sons. Our sons see us try to help the situation with their black dads, they see black women cut men slack and reward them for failing and it becomes impressed in their minds that black women have to make do and understand and keep the love flowing no matter what black men do. With this idea in mind black boys are surely not going to be motivated to do better, they even start feeling entitled and get angry at any demand.

When you go to your husband and give him a neck rub after a hard days work, your son will see that and know that a man works hard to come home to an appreciative woman!
....



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16 comments:

BlackWomenDeserveBetter.Com said...

I have felt the same emotions in regards to the years wasted waiting on something that was very unlikely to happen. Today, my goal is to maximize the "here and now " passing along the lessons I've learned along the way...A great way to help recapture lost time is to keep heading in the opposite direction ....

Foxycleopatra said...

Ok I know this might be a bit of a digression but it is something I have witnessed countless times and so have to address. In her comment, monique says that her ex husband's abandonment of his paternal duties is especially annoying as he has not stuck round to raise his only son. You have 4 kids with him so I guess he has 3 daughters with you. Why is it any worse that he has not stuck round to take care of his male children. I see this mentality among so many black folk where there seems to be some subconscious thought that parental abandonment is worse for boys than for girls and that black girls can some how 'overcome' it in a way that black boys can't. I have NEVER heard a white, Asian, middle eastern or any other race of woman whose children have been abandoned by their father give any sort of implication that they would have expected him to stay around to atleast take care of and raise his sons if not his daughters. It is ONLY black women and the black collective where this thought pattern seems to not only exist, but be accepted. I've been witnessing this for years whether in magazine/newspaper articles, talk shows, tv interviews, black blogs etc and NEVER, not even once have I ever seen this challenged.

If we say it is because of the effect paternal abandonment has on male children (higher rate of school drop outs, more likely to be involved in crime, more likely to be absentee fathers, lack of male role model, less likely to value marriage, and get married), well what of the effect it has on female children (higher rate of school drop outs, more likely to be teenage mothers, more likely to be abused and be in abusive relationships, more likely to have children with men who abandon them, more likely to end up poor, low self esteem, lack of male role model, less likely to value marriage, and get married). Paternal abandonment is just as bad (with severe likely consequences) for BOTH boys AND girls. None is worse or 'less bad'.


FoxyCleopatra

Foxycleopatra said...

I completely agree with Halima's advice. You need to let your children see what a responsible and quality man looks like in your husband and let them witness what a happy fulfilling marriage is (which they will see everyday with you and your husband). You don't need to feel any guilt of any sort because you may be having any resentful feelings toward your ex husband. It is natural. When two people make an agreement/contract (in this case marriage) and one party decides not to fulfil their own part (in this case your ex husband) the shortchanged/cheated party (in this case you) will feel negative feelings (anger/bitterness/resentment etc). Just don't let these feelings to be projected into the blessed life and marriage u have now (it can happen). Be thankful for everything u have now. Also, look at it this way, for all you know, those past experiences have made u stronger n given u the beautiful children you have now.

FoxyCleopatra

ak said...

Thank you FoxyCleopatra for saying something that's LONG, long been overdue. Thank you to the 'n'th degree!

Other cultures or races of people, especially white Western people, seem to care enough and be considerate of the harrowing psychological effects of dysfunction on the girls & women of their own set of people, but NOT black people, and not even among those black people who are straight from Africa I suspect. If women are delicate and have fragilities in other groups, then why the heck would black girls & women be the same way, regarding our bodies and our psyches?

ak said...

Also by the way Foxycleopatra what you described was most of my entire life! Except by chance the pregnancy part, because I never wanted any kid of mine growing up fatherless the way I did; I'd die a spinster with cats before I'd let that happen. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror again otherwise! My saving grace is that I'm studying accounting and I'm good at it!

BlackWomenDeserveBetter.Com said...

Good Catch @FoxyCleopatra!

The writers focus (perhaps not intentionally but subconsciously) is on the Black males involved. Daughters are often treated as collateral damage in broken households and communities!

Halima said...

Foxy I think what you picked up there speaks to the same issue of expecting the very least effort from bm. I think M (just as most bw are instructed to do) is looking for the bear minimum from the father which would in this case be at least his concern for his son who needs a father. Not saying it is right but it is all in line with the problematic grading bm on a curve which bw are instructed to do!

E.N. said...

I agree with Halima's advice 98%. The only part that didn't sit well with me was "let go and let God" - essentially what I understood from the (paraphrased) statement that there's nothing to be done about the BM ex, no justice to be won. Why can't Aloha still sue her ex-husband for back child support? He has the means to support his children and he's giving it all away to his new Italian wife, while Aloha's new well-intentioned WM husband is saddling the bill and responsibility. She's extremely lucky to have such a good man in her life, but I don't think it's fair to him to let the BM ex get away with making his own life financially more challenging, because he sincerely loves Aloha and her children. I'd say fight at the very least, and damn her ex and whatever tantrum he may throw. If nothing else comes out of the lawsuit, Aloha's ex would know not every black woman in his life is a doormat named "Welcome", and I think it would also do something for Aloha's self-esteem.

JaliliMaster said...

I'm sorry Halima, but I'm going to have to disagree with you on your last comment. Yes, M is expecting only the bare minimum from her ex-hubby in that she tried to be 'reasonable' (whatever that means), in regard to child support. However, that in no way explains her attitude to her female children. When I read her comment in the previous post, that was the first thing that jumped out at me. It is not only black males that value their female children less than their sons(if at all). Clearly, black women do it too! It is easy to blame the husband and label him a dead-beat (which he is). However, quite clearly, M for some strange reason, thinks his abandonment is worse because.........one of their children is a boy?! In other words, her female children are less deserving of a good father than her male child. Can she not see that her ex has the same opinion, except that he extended it to ALL his children by her, as opposed to just the girls? She needs to sort herself out because her daughters will begin to notice. People don't tend to realise how hard it is to hide their subconscious feelings, especially when they don't even realise that they have these feelings. In addition, her son will notice it too, and start to think he is better than others (bw) because he is a bm. I remember some site called 'raising him alone' (you can all guess what it's about). When I first saw it, I wondered, "hmm, so what about your daughters"? Apparently, black folks don't think it matters when bg's are abandoned by their fathers.

I also disagree with what you said in the main post that she should just cut her losses and build her new life with her current hubby. The fact is her four children are ENTITLED to their father's financial support. Whether or not he cares about them is irrelevant. Moreover, why burden the new husband with financial obligations when there is someone there to do it (that is actually responsible for them). Unless the new hubby is very rich, she runs the risk of taking advantage of his good character. It would be understandable if the ex was nowhere to be found or a non-working bum. As he actually has a job, she needs to get the courts to FORCE him to pay (INCLUDING back pay of the one he already owes). They would take it straight out of his paycheck and give it to you. It is unwise of her to keep on taking more money OUT of her current household (money that her current hubby has to go out & sweat & earn), just so that her loser ex can spend it on other women. Bw need to wake up and start taking what is their (so that your kids can stop losing out). They may not have their biological dad around, but that doesn't mean they should have to live like orphans, depending on another man's wallet. Take you ex-hubby to court!

E.N. said...

JaliliMaster said it all better than I could, and btw, I have no idea why I kept referring to "M" as "Aloha" in my first comment! My opinion still stands, though :)

Zoe said...

I'm glad you have a responsible husband and all, but your ex HAS TO PAY for the upkeep of his children.

This is not about you. Those kids have a right to be supported by their father.

By all means forgive him. But forgiving someone does not mean they don't have to meet their responsibilities.

Evia said...

I think that the reason why more people focus on the black boy having an "involved" father is because we hear so much that the MAIN reason why so many black men are so deficient as MEN is because they didn't have ANY effective male role models in their environment to pattern their behavior after.

The bottom line is that the typical bw is in a state of disbelief about the HUGE proportion of bm who are dysfunctional as MEN. So she engages in magical thinking because the truth is too repulsive and unbearable. SMH But this is why a woman must have the courage to VET a man--in order to find out whether he's dysfunctional or just how dysfunction is he--BEFORE she invests her womb.

Marriage does NOT protect a woman from a DBR man because in this case, we can see this was her husband and he was also "educated." His new woman is most likely going to have the same fate. Good vetting, however, would have prevented most of this--because people do not change overnight.

I realize that for best results children need BOTH role models, but things among most blacks are far, far away from a "best results" scenario. Black girls often have access to more--at least, halfway decent female role models in their environment or it's a lot easier for a black girl to access an effective female role model like a female teacher at school, if nothing else. These role models may be far from perfect but at least they're not a total washout.

Let's face it--many males of that type need to be kept AWAY from their male AND female children!! In actuality, no woman should have ANY children by such a male. I know this will sound judgmental, but what was this mother thinking to have FOUR children by a man of this type??????? I know some will say that this man sneaked up on her with this DBR behavior but I don't believe that. These males are NOT that clever. They don't hide much about themselves at all. I can see having ONE child by a DBR because that's a "fool me ONCE" situation, but why would any sensible woman have FOUR children by him? I know Monique might say that he was a good man up until after the 4th child was born, but I doubt that. I believe he SHOWED his DBRness way before that. DBRs don't become DBRs overnight.

@Monique--I'm not blaming you, but if you don't mind, would you please expound on why you continued to have children by him. I think that could help other women who are reading this. I think we really need to find out more about how the women who mate with DBRs think BEFORE the DBR drops the bomb, so to speak. What were YOU thinking?

taylor-sara said...

Hey Halima! (waving!)
great advice you gave the young lady. I thought it was timely and accurate. She has a wonderful new hubby and she should def. spend her precious time focused on him...

I also want to add that I've had to move/rename my blog due to a hacker could you please post the new address. I can no longer access the old one even to update, moderate or leave a msg. thanks -sara

http://blackwomansguidetointerraciallove.blogspot.com/

should have it up and running in full force in a few wks...

GlitterandRoses said...

Omg Halima, you hit the mark every single time, I was nodding all the way through that.

Monique said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Monique said...

Evia,
I had all those children before the age of 23, I was very stupid and indoctrinated (church,family)as soon as I saw the writing on the wall I got out as quickly as possible. I got married at 17 and was a military housewife who was about 6,000 miles away from my own family. It did not make things easy, which is no excuse. I definitely wish I had vetted and done things differently but I'm defnitely older and wiser now and have passed on BWE to my girls.