Thursday, June 14, 2012

Our young black girls are living in toxic environments

A couple of weeks ago I received an email letter from a young black school girl and the email highlighted for me again the real rough situation that exists for our young black girls who are schooling and living around black boys, how these black girls are having their self-esteem eroded just by being around black boys and their antics.

We have spoken about this situation from time to time, and indeed whenever I am around school girls and boys I can sense and see this situation playing out among them.

This young lady said that she felt diminished against her white school mates and that even though a black boy had shown her attention and they were 'dating', she couldn’t get rid of the insecurity she felt, that she wasn’t pretty enough (compared to the white and other girls he used to date), and that he was poised to 'leave her for a white girl' at any moment. Essentially she was asking herself, 'why is he with me.'

I felt very sad at this. There used to be a time when black women didn’t feel intimidated by white or other women no matter what. What has become of our rock solid self-belief that we are the finest thing on Gods earth. So while our attention has been elsewhere, self-esteem has been leaching away from our young ladies to this dreadful point where they don’t feel confident in the among the gathering of women.

I told her that I knew why she was feeling insecure and it was because of the antics of the black boys around chasing every other type of girls but black and with white and other guys essentially sticking to their race (as is the norm at that age apart from black boys and the white girls they chase), that this situation was eroding her confidence. She agreed with my assertions.

She also mentioned that black girls in her class sat around and hankered after the black boys saying that black boys are their preference. Imagine that, a preference strong and unyielding at 13!

I told her that this was an artificial preference created in their minds and maintained by their actions.

'It is important to get away from black girls who are fixating on black boys. By fantasizing about black boys only, your black girl friends are actually creating this 'artificial preference' for black boys without realizing it, because they can just as easily find other boys (Indian, Chinese, white etc) attractive if they let themselves, just as you now know you can.'

I further explain:
'Your friends are responding to black community pressures to only validate and affirm the masculinity of black boys and never look beyond them, without even knowing it! And they are unconsciously fixing a ball and chain around their ankles which will hurt them in the long run. If black boys were equally fantasizing about black girls then it would make sense for black girls to be doing it too, but since black boys are not, then this 'hold over' activity from a time when it might have made sense to 'big up' our black men, will harm no one but the black women who practice it. It is like an evolutionary feature on an organism that might have served it under a past evolutionary situation but becomes detrimental in the current one! Do you know how many organisms died out because their habits were not supported in a newer and updated environment.'

I talked about a few ways for her to reconstruct her esteem, including getting out of the environment where black men are in hot pursuit of ww and black girls sit around and hanker after them (because no matter what black girls protest, being around such activities is coroding their self-esteem). Getting away from her social circles and forging other pass times and identities would take her away from the toxic situation.

I am serious in saying to the young black girl out there, if you do not detach and remove yourself from these toxic situations you will be left with a ruined self-esteem and a negative complex about yourself and your looks which you may never get over. No 21st century woman should ever abide by situations that ends up making her feel bad about herself. No matter what she has to do to secure her sanity, she must do it!

My advice to young black girls facing this issue:
  • 'Unteam' yourself from black boys, mentally and psychologically even if the rest of society wants to group you together. We know society sees black men and women as part of one unit but you must never agree with this. The model of 'black men and black women' has failed and has resulted in great pain for black women who because of this belief continue to keep themselves in a dynamic of doing all the work in this 'imagined' partnership while black men take the free ride. Never in anyway trust that such a partnership or agreement exists between the two genders. To save yourself great distress assume from the off that you and black men have no affinity and alignment, brotherhood, cooperation and pact to be with one another

  • Get away from even black girls who are the carriers and maintainers of such ideas as 'black boys are our preference' or 'black boys are the only boys we can/should date'. If they do not and refuse to have an open mind and receptiveness to ALL that the world has to offer, cut them off from your life

  • Stop worshipping what black men worship including the light skin singers and entertainers and all women we know black men have selected to uplift because of their nearness to white or their white color. Do not feed this widespread habit of elevating non black women, by buying their music and products no matter how 'banging' their music is or wonderful their products are. The good thing about the 21st century is that you can find equally good products just a click/shop away. Develop other musical tastes if necessary.

  • Beauty is not about the lightness of skin (this young lady who sent me an email framed one of her comments in such a way that suggests that in her mind, lightness is synonymous with beauty, and I do believe for a significant portion of young black girls the two things things have now merged in their minds and they fully subscribe to the pretty = light belief)

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Patricia Kayden said...

Great advice to that young lady and others who will read your post.

Perhaps this young lady will have to wait before she finds White boys who are attracted to her. It seems that in her sphere, the Black boys chase the White girls and the White boys chase the White girls, which means that she is on the outside.

Tell her that things will get better and she should seek out forums where the relationship dynamics are more favorable to Black girls. For example, she should join a mixed-race church, a multicultural club for children her age, volunteer for multicultural organizations, etc. Sounds like her current environment is too segregated, which forced her to hang around with "nothing but a Black men" Black girls.

Good luck to her!

Anonymous said...

The good thing is at 13 she started to recognize something is "not right" and she acted on her intuition and sought out a superb mentor for guidance. This little girl is way ahead of the curve now. I can only hope that once her bg peers see how much happier she will be, they follow suit.

Unknown said...

Its funny: while you wrote this, the American Military was studying black women/girls and see why they are as strong as they are. I think this is what Evia calls an 'okey-doke' a way to diminish or take away or feminity without letting us feel it(not empowering but the opposite)..basically being the b**ch. It lets WW and other kind of women look 'down' on us as a group..NOT INDIVIDUALLY OF COURSE--The BEST THING for the 13 yo girl is to join a multiethnic church--since the 'black church' isnt bearing good enough fruit..our families are ruined with OOW births and abortions

FemmeNoire said...

Something else is going to have to be addressed here. The fact that White/non-Black girls in many cases are NOT happy when a Black girl is interested in White/non-Black boys, and act even worse when said boys show interest in a Black girl. This is not a healthy environment for our young Black girls. What needs to be done IMHO is that young Black girls need to be taught that a Black girl who likes non-Black boys is NOT an infidel to be shunned, she is their sister who they should love & support. Our young Black girls should love & support each other, they need solidarity with each other, and NO boys of any race should come between them. They also should be taugh that if it is okay for Black boys to shun them in favor of non-Black girls, then they should NOT be expected to show Black boys any loyalty either.