Do we Black Women occupy the blind spot of society?

I received an email the other day from a black woman who was really down about being ignored and made invisible in our society despite doing her very best in every way. I share her frustration.

When it comes to black women and girls, some folk suddenly don’t know or quickly forget where the boundaries of decency are...congrats to the brilliant Quvenzhane Wallis

I was actually thinking about it the other day when at church. Most of the black women who are well put together, slim and well coiffed and with the best voices in the choir were all ringless. This contrasted glaring with their white counterparts. Even those who would in our society be classed as homely were married or in some kind of permanent relationship.

Of course this has a lot to say about the view of white men and marriage and wanting to be with women in such arrangements, and in addition, says a lot about the fact that the word is not out yet that black women themselves desire these partnerships and are happy to expand beyond black men. But despite the explanations that we can read into the situation, it is all very cold comfort.

We know that the black community represents the 'no marriage zone' for black women, (despite the fact that one or two of your girlfriends managed to get the ring...eventually, this still holds true) and this is why we BWE writers always strongly advice black women to get away from black enclaves and black social milieus where they are not at all taken seriously for marriage.

 

However and also, many white men don’t think they should/can ask black women out, despite all the signs that black women give out, and this is just a fact and I too am getting a bit 'p$%#3' with the excuse that somehow people just don’t know that a black woman might want to be with a man. Indeed I have seen white women who look like they 'don't do men' who men still go after and pursue and never ask, 'is she open to men, to my advances, or is she looking to date?' No one asks these questions, they just assume she is in the dating and relationship game until it is said otherwise. However with black women, it appears the opposite view holds for us and that is, 'she doesn’t want a man, until she says otherwise.' This is what black women face, the general assumption working against them and frustrating their relationship ambitions, the assumption that unless told otherwise we are not into love and relationships and are not a natural target for men's attention, we are 'Miss independent', who doesn’t want or need to be bothered by all this men-woman and pairing off business, we have better and more serious things to do with our time!'

There is nothing wrong with sadly acknowledging the fact that black women occupy the blind spot of society. It helps to acknowledge it and not pretend or skip over the sadness and try to claim it doesn’t affect you especially when it hits hard certain days.

The thing though is don’t waste too much time just feeling sad. It is an issue that affects all black women (some more and some less), which means that you must throw everything at the problem to dig yourself out of this general black female predicament. Like I have said many times, you earn money and resources so you can shore yourself up in areas of struggle, deficiency, shortfalls etc. Not all of us will have troubles or struggle in the same areas of life. I might have a problem in the area of finding relationships and you might have it in the area of finding a good job. You must divert resources to ensure that you help yourself out in the area of your struggles and I must also spend my finances to help me in my area of struggles.

This is how one proactive black women reader of this blog has put into effect my strong suggestion to get registered with a Matchmaker to, as she put it 'expedite' meeting a man for marriage.

 

On another note, I want to tell you that you certainly reach and help a lot of women who read your blog and maybe don't comment on what they learn. We are definitely learning the lessons and applying them in real life. I know the feedback you receive may not reflect this.

For example, on your blogs about self-improvement and expanding your dating set you mentioned a few times about paying for a matchmaking service to expedite meeting Quality men. A few weeks ago I took the plunge and invested a significant amount of money in a matchmaking service! I've been online for years, sometimes meeting great men (usually they lived far away), and I started to get frustrated with the weeding out process. I'm very excited because tonight I have my first 'matchmade' date! So thank you so much, I never thought of taking my personal life to this level until you brought it up.

Ladies, if you can afford (or maybe if you cannot) you should definitely consider a matchmaking service. Yes, it's expensive, but the men usually pay 2-3 times more. I did not know this until recently. Men are not going to fork over several thousands of dollars if they are not seriously looking for a woman who has wife material! These men are SERIOUS! Plus, I know so much about the guy before we've even met.

And yes, I will admit I was initially hesitant because I want to only be matched with White or Asian men. Most matchmaking services are run by (White) women and I feared some sort of sabotage. Well, I can tell you ladies, not all are like that. After some initial surprise, (I was very blunt with my preferences; and on the phone I do not sound "Black") my matchmaker is excited and is making every effort to get me dates with the men I want. I do recommend that you are very blunt with your preferences. You do not want to fork over hundreds/thousands of dollars and get matched with Black men; if that is not your preference. These services only guarantee a minimum number of dates and you don't want to waste a single one!

The fact that we are not seen or appreciated and ignored on the level of being a woman is ugly and disheartening and it is OK to acknowledge this, but if you stay in this state of being sad, what good will it do. You must never give up in trying to turn the tide for yourself. Acknowledge the sickness, the pure twisted nature of society with respect to black women, take a week off if you like, however the sooner you push back the feelings of sadness and get back into doing something, the better. Lastly, do not spread your discouragement online to other black women. Some of us just spread discouragement, we do not realize we can seriously damage others. It is a mature acting woman who knows she is going through a down time and just cuts off and takes time out, so as to not spread negativity. Share positivity and dont feel that you have a right to offload your ill feelings and negative emotions on other black women. What might be a passing phase for you may then very well bring about the downfall of loads of other black women. 

Next blog post available from 16th March

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Notes from the institute of Clear thinking for black women

A few thoughts on a couple of topics

Tip No 2756 on how to make it in the dominant white culture -Smile like a half wit

 

Dolly 'eternal sunshine' Parton

 

After many years of working around whites, I have come to the realization that they are deathly afraid of morose, unsmiling black people (black women more so than black men who they can tolerate their 'anger' because black men are justified in their anger because of what white men have done to them – it's not really that cutting and brutal for black women- and of course many white woman want to gather the sad black man to their maternal bosoms and comfort them). An unsmiling black woman; a sure sign that there is a deep well of anger and resentment at white people, which is the stuff of nightmares for many white people because the black woman might suddenly go psycho on them and they want to avoid this by all means!

If you want to get ahead, be bright and breezy, at work and in the company of whites! Be very careful about indulging in moments of personal introspection when at work – which tends to make the face drop and look pensive- because you are being watched closely. Instead think on only nice happy things when at work but if you are suddenly overwhelmed by a need to wallow in something sad and bad please go to the toilets!

It might seem I am joking here but this is my honest advice. If you are as smiley as Dolly Parton, you will find more contracts and opportunities pushed your way because you are the kind of black person they want to keep around!

Discernment is Key

A whole lot of black women do not know how to discern when a black person is looking to make a buck off them and when they are genuinely interested in their helping them.

I don’t think that there is anything wrong in profiting from a service as long as you give real value for the money you receive. I must have mentioned this before on this blog, about a particular black guy who set up a 'black love' and dating 'business', essentially profiting of the endemic singleness of black women in London. Women would be lectured on why they had not found their good black man and there were offers to (for a fee) 'let us find you your ideal black man' etc. I mentioned that this man was 'outed' as contemptuous of black women at one black gathering a while back when he jeered at black women who were complaining about their singleness plight. I don’t think any black woman at that event would have been left in any doubt that this man had a deep seated anger and resentment towards black women and was gloating over their predicament. Yet his business moves from strength to strength with events at some expensive hotels. Now I am no knocking his hustle. I have spoken to a few black women who say the service is so so and they are still searching but they attend his events faithfully, sometimes they are asked to bring along single men (for other women who also bring along other single men).

A lot of black women are wasting time they don’t have, trying to work a formula that just doesn’t compute and whose basic premise is erroneous (there are enough black men out there who are interested in marrying -and marrying black women- for every black woman). Instead of working a formula which makes sense (casting a wider net, going on dating sites/match makers), these women would rather invest money and time in forcing an approach that is clearly (from looking around them) not yielding much.

Anyway as they say, 'A fool and his money are soon parted'

Social Mobility continued...

I was comparing the premise of social mobility and feminism in my last post and I was encouraging readers to make the social mobility model work for them.

It might seem awkward that I would compare social mobility with feminism but bear with me for a second.

From wikipedia

Social mobility is the movement of individuals or groups in social standing/social position [1][2] It may refer to classes, ethnic groups, or entire nations, and may measure health status, literacy, or education — but more commonly it refers to individuals or families, and their change in income.[1] It also typically refers to vertical mobility—movement of individuals or groups up (or down) from one socio-economic level to another, often by changing jobs or marriage; but can also refer to horizontal mobility—movement from one position to another within the same social level.

Mobility is enabled to a varying extent by economic capital, cultural capital (such as higher education), human's capital (such as competence and effort in labour), social capital (such as support from one's social network), physical capital (such as ownership of tools, or the 'means of production'), and symbolic capital (such as the worth of an official title, status class, celebrity, etc.).

Why I say that the social mobility model works over equality (read: feminism) model, so 'work' the former and don’t wait for the latter!

At its basic level feminism is about advancing the rights of women, in other words you could say it is about 'clearing the path' for woman (though I know that it has come to mean so much more these days). In the same way the social mobility is also about advancement but the advancement of the individual. Thus in terms of getting ahead, it could be said that they are rival models. The Equality model which included feminist model, is an ideal and we must in all good sense, and as a healthy society, aspire towards fairness and always work towards a more and more equal society. Yet we have to know that society is geared around enabling the individual rise through the ranks as opposed to ensuring that it works like 'rising water that lifts us all'. An individual will go further if they leverage the principles of social mobility as opposed to wait for a 'fairer' society to kick in. Equality and fairness: who knows if we will ever achieve completely these ideals even though we have a duty to works towards this state.

As I have previous said and want to reiterate:

I think feminism as an ideology is so vital and really comes into its own when addressing the most basic and fundamental rights of women including combating misogyny, the right of women to control their reproduction, equal payment for equal jobs etc etc

Why running your life according to some feminist principles could leave you in the lurch

Many black women have borrowed too many politically correct concepts and ideas without the understanding that these notions are not giving them the victory they seek. I am here to tell black women that utilitarian approaches are better for black women not Politically correct and idealistic philosophies especially those borrowed from modern feminist thought. 'Being fat is fine', 'Be a single mother if you want, its your choice', 'No one should shame a Slut'... I am wondering how have these notions helped the situation of black women as a group?

There are many kinds of 'experimental' ideas out there offered in the name of progressiveness, equality and openness but they will not pay off for black women even if their white counterparts manage to dabble and go scotch free from all sorts of new social engineering ideas. The BWE writer Khadija has said 'tried and tested,' black women must always look to the tried and tested approaches and I agree.

For a little heads up:

When countries are rich and have a surplus in finances (however that is defined), they can engage in endless social experiments around making the society more 'just' and 'equitable'. So there is a robust welfare system, you can do whatever you want with your life like eat yourself to a damaged health, smoke endless cigarettes or be a couch potato. Very likely the government will pick up your health tab and support whatever lifestyle choice you make. Just don’t be caught out when the cycle of boom comes to and end... ah too late! many of us have been caught out with this current recession.

I find it very funny that after years of promoting a 'do as you please' and 'be free and unlimited' when it comes to life choices (because your lovely government will pay for it), now folks are being told in no uncertain terms that there will be no more gravy trains in fact these days the government doesn’t even bother to talk, you just turn up to where you used to be able to get a free service and the door is boarded up with no information about where you might be able to find another service. People are being told that choices have consequences and they will have to underwrite their own choices. This is very much the case in terms of what kind of diet and lifestyle people chose, and simply put, government will no longer pick up the tab for the consequences of your unhealthy choices. Tax payers, insurance firms and companies are all revolting and they do not want to pick up the tabs any more for the excesses of the western individual, who has the choices and opportunities and information to take charge of their lives, but often refuses to do so.

I have told a fair few folks around me that good diet and exercise is no more up for debate for any sensible person, because these days with many hospitals silently withdrawing certain medical options or simply ratcheting down the standard of care, being as fit and healthy as you can be is the best insurance you can take out for yourself.

So many people who cultivated a relaxed and a careless approach to life and living are high and dry at this point. The most troubling thing however as I said is that in some cases where it has become almost impossible to broach some issues because of political correctness or because of election cycles, government is simply withdrawing support and funding from certain projects and changing policies silently and without warning!

As we can see, government seems to be saying they got it wrong in many respects hence anyone who lets government set their priorities, their pace and agenda, will find themselves in trouble when suddenly government decides to do a '180' in terms of their policy. Policys change but acting with common-sense can safeguard your life!

Next blog post available from 1st March

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

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Mothers and Daughters Continued, The Feminism vs Social Mobility Model

A few more words re: Mothers and black daughters
 

Failure to settle down

One other reason for problematic relationships with black mothers and daughters can be down to mothers not settling down/moving into the next phase of life with regards finding a mate or partner.

Put it like this, If a forty plus year old woman is still pursuing her relationship goals at the same time as is her twenty year old daughter, there is a high possibility that mother and daughter could clash in a more competitive way because of this 'shared' ambition. As women (black women in particular) have most of their children outside wedlock and remain in the market for a relationship into their forties and fifties when their daughters are also looking to date and settle down, it can and does cause resentment in some mothers who have to confront the fact that that the youth of their daughters gives them an advantage in the dating arena as opposed to how hard it becomes for them as more mature women. If a mother is dating she also is aware that a young nubile woman in the vicinity of her relationship could lead down the all too familiar path of infidelity/sexual abuse between her boyfriend and her daughter which leads to internal anxities. You can imagine the complications that can arise from all these tensions and hidden anxieties.

Indeed restructuring of the traditional family set up does have many repercussions some of which we are only just discovering as the reality plays out in front of our eyes!

When a mother's mind has been colonised by race-hierarchy notions

In my last post, I didn't want to go into detail about how racism in white mothers (whether vestiges of it or the full blown variety) can damage mixed race daughters, because that would require a whole book in itself. BWE writers have also written about this issue in the past, especially about how the self esteem of daughters with father's who idolize white women can take a trouncing. A commenter on my last blog post however drew attention to a slightly different angle on the subject of colorism and race hierarchy with mothers and daughters.

She wrote

I was going on a date with this guy I met online and had figured I'd show my mother a video of him doing a sport that he does well in, when she asked me if I was sure that he wouldn't want to date a popular young white girl instead of me since he seemed popular himself.

I told her to not reflect her insecurities on me; which also brought me to sometimes question who needs enemies when I could just have a mother like mine. She is much lighter than me with long hair which has caused a lot of black men to fetishize her in the past. And although I'm her daughter I have always made better choices than her even when I made mistakes. I know that apart of her can't understand why my dark nappy headed self is living a better life than her and how on earth do I find white men that like to date me. She will sometimes convince herself it's because of my "smaller lips" or some other preconceived "white feature" when I in reality have typical African features.

Clearly this shows the kind of battle that many black girls who have mothers who have essentially internalized their oppression or who accept and revel or trade in the idolization of their 'whitish' features, by the black social structure and black men and thus become threatened when there is an 'order change.' From a young age, these black girls have to understand and recognize the disease that is in the mind of their mothers/fathers or the parental structure around them. They are also going to have to find a way to cultivate a real solid self esteem which they themselves are convinced about (not just lip service about loving their lips and hips and all that). This is going to be very hard project because you don’t have the family structure on which to build and reinforce this self esteem, however it does help if the daughter understands and feels that her mother is 'off' when she comes up with her colorist ideas and notions. That feeling will guard this young women until she can get a better understanding of how colorism has infected and damaged her mothers thinking as well as formulate her own solution for cultivating and encouraging her own healthy self esteem.



Congrats to the newly engaged couple Mellody and George!



Until I am convinced otherwise I belive at this stage in our society, the social mobility model has better gains than the modern feminist one

Last week in a guardian newspaper article http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/25/joanna-lumley-foolish-rape-drunken-feet a staff writer took umbrage at suggestions from a well known British Actress that young ladies should behave with decorum and particularly with their safety in mind when out on the town. That bit of advice was just a small part of an interview the actress granted a newspaper but this writer took the small bit and built a whole case against the actress, accusing her of blaming women for rape etc

Now look at the suggestion made by the actress:

"Don't look like trash, don't get drunk, don't be sick down your front, don't break your heels and stagger about in the wrong clothes at midnight," she says. "Don't be sick in the gutter … in a silly dress with no money to get a taxi home, because somebody will take advantage of you, either they'll rape you, or they'll knock you on the head or they'll rob you."

Now I believe to fellow BWE (and any one with two brain cells in their heads) the suggestions above are not offensive in fact they are just common sense, however it appears that there is a branch of modern feminism (a strong and very vocal one at that) that disallows this kind of common sense talking to women (and it has even begun to affect many men who now feel they have to prove their 'progressive credentials' by touting louder than others, the various trendy feminist tropes and notions!). The net effect is that our daughters are now existing in vacuums where every bit of functional and common sense advice is gradually being sucked out because women and girls...what’s the current intellectual parlance they use...ah yes 'should not have their behaviour 'policed'', or we should not 'victim blame'. They have to be left alone to be and do whatever they want (at the same time government and tax payers must gladly foot the bill to repair them after any and every misadventure).

A commenter to the article had this to say:

Tanya would not be at all concerned about her own daughter's safety in this scenario, and would privilege her daughter's freedom to make bad choices above advising her against such stupidity, then she would be a pretty crap parent. Hence I presume she has no daughters.

If you ask me, modern feminism has begun to founder on the principles of 'women should not be judged', don’t shame or criticise a woman which is deemed 'policing' women, which ends up simply being 'do not say anything about how a woman chooses to be'. This is a strange place for feminism to be because everyone, every structure, every society needs a bit of criticism to make for more effectiveness (and I think living effectively should be a key goal for women). For instance even though it could be said that men retain the social privilege to 'whore around' they are mocked and criticized for chasing woman after woman, after woman and never settling down. Men are criticised for consuming pornography, testosterone fuelled antics including war, aggression, exploitation of the earth’s resources etc etc. How is it then, that women's behaviour and activities are disallowed any scrutiny? Why should women not be pulled up on their actions and activities especially when we can see that certain actions are to their detriment. Are we going to continue with this binary framing of women are victims (so must never be criticised or held responsible for anything) and men are the victimizers (so we can aim as many and as much criticism their way).

As far as I am concerned there should be space given in society for criticising personal choices especially if and when these impact on others. A woman who has children she cannot take care of or brings children into an insecure domestic situation needs to be asked to take a look at the likely outcomes of her choices.

No one is born with all the knowledge they will need to successfully live out the whole of their lives and that is why there is need for criticism which to be simply put, means showing how certain choices and options can be detrimental or ineffective protocols for running ones life.

I believe the feminist model comes into its own when addressing the most basic and fundamental rights of women including combating misogyny, the right of women to control reproduction, equal payment for equal jobs. Feminism is good in doing the ground work for women's progress, but beyond the fight for the basic rights and equality for women, I am now scratching my head as to what use it is beyond that, especially when I am constantly coming across overreactions like the above article. This is why I am in firm support for feminism in developing areas of the world where women don’t even own their own bodies. I think there is a threshold beyond which feminism in the west becomes all about picking fights and offence vigilance.

Social Mobility Model contd

 

Next blog post available from 16th Feb

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

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Do Black Women in Afros
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Date a White Guy...?
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Motherhood: the issues between black daughters and their mothers

I have written the past, about how I am convinced black girls are being starved of the necessary motherly worldly wisdom that would enable them to grow to navigate the world with success, essentially improving theirs and the social situation of successive generations.

I believe the key factor here is that many of these mothers really don’t have the necessary knowledge themselves to be able to guide themselves let alone their daughters. Many don’t know how this society we live in runs. In the UK for instance daughters of first generation immigrants are now fully established in the work force. But their parents where not very successful in establishing themselves in the middle class (racism being the key factor however many overlooked or ignored opportunities to improve their own situation like owning property when it was well within their reach and even establishing businesses so as to not be too dependent on government jobs). The result is that their children are having to find their feet in a society and social order without any guidance and direction from those who have gone before.

Life as a widower: Tribute to a beautiful wife

Even without the immigration factor, considering that far too many black girls give birth when they are to all intents and purposes children themselves, it is not a real surprise that they are not effectively instructing their daughters.

I am also increasingly coming across black women who have tortuous and fractured relationships with their mothers, coming across women who talk about how their mothers didn’t support them as women growing into their womanhood and how they didn’t or couldn’t assist them navigate the major issues that beset them as black women living in a majority white culture. In all fairness I think many of these mothers where themselves confronted with a situation that stumped them too, many didn’t know what hit them when they set foot in the West from the Caribbean and Africa! They probably had the very same issues around black womanhood in a majority white culture, as did their daughters and didn’t know who to turn to, and definitely didn’t even take up fully the role that should fall to them of guiding and directing their daughters. I believe many withdrew or became depressed at a time of life when as adults they would normally have been in a stable and knowledgeable position to offer guidance to their daughters. I think the tendency of black mothers especially in the UK to bury themselves in all things black and not venture beyond the black social milieu (and not seem to realise there is life beyond the black borders) has something to do with the cold shock and maybe inability to come up with a successful plan of integration. Real fearful experiences may have made them simply poke their heads back into the comfort zone of black spaces and never attempt to come out again. Unfortunately the legacy is that their daughters who have to integrate white spaces in order to make it in today's society, are braving it all alone which has resulted in hard feelings from some daughters towards their mothers.

In terms of fragmented and complicated relationships between black mothers and their daughters, this issue was really illuminated for me when I watched a program about survivors of violent crime last summer.

Among the people interviewed was a young black lady who lost her sister and her cousin in a drive by shooting - one of the first of its kind in the UK in which there were multiple female victims. I remember what struck me most about her case was how when asked, her mother admitted that she had never really sat down and put her arms round her daughter and had a heart to heart about their loss. It was clear that ten years on, her daughter had not healed to any extent; her demeanour and posture and the fact that she couldn’t even lift her face to the camera said it clearly. When the mother was pressed as to why she had not ever sat down to talk about the loss with her daughter, she said something that really shocked me. She said that she didn’t want her daughter to 'lean' on her in her grief! I was stunned. In other words her daughter had to take care of herself even though she was a teenager when her sister was killed. This I guess speaks to the many discussions we have had on how black women are seen as little soldiers (even from and early age), issues of strong and hard wearing black womanhood, the lack of compassion for black women and girls displayed even by immediate family, and black women being expected to get on with life without care and nurture even as they come across life-crushing experiences.

I was blown away by that one. Even though she no doubt had her own grief to bear, I couldn’t understand how a mother couldn’t find it in herself to reach out to her only surviving daughter to comfort her. A mother resenting that she would have to console her daughter, now that was a shocker to me.

As an aside, I clearly saw that contributing to this young ladies damage was the fact that she remained immersed in the black community and the dysfunctional response to the incident (as you can well imagine within the black community), was not helping matters for her. Indeed not only was the crime carried out by young black lads also she and her family were being gossiped about and blamed for the incarceration of the criminals (as I said dysfunctional response).

I cant say I don't see and come across black women who are in some way damaged and very resentful for being left to fend for themselves when they were vulnerable especially when they know their mothers should have been there for them. A lot of black women however do not realize they have issues of resentment with their mothers, and the cult of veneration of motherhood and nothing but the utmost respect for elders is possibly preventing them from both recognising and resolving the issue through admitting their disappointment, and justified anger.

Well add race to the mix here and we could indeed write reams about the fractures that occur between mixed race daughters and their white mothers.

In all this we can ask, where are the fathers?

I do focus on mothers because I think there is a specific sort of training that mothers will need to give their daughters so they can be successful in the area of relationships and child rearing. I look at how Jewish mothers put a lot of effort into enabling their daughters make their way successfully In society. I find many black mothers don’t even take the time to prepare their daughters to be well behaved and to show and emphasize how necessary it is to be personable and win friends,mentors, champions and allies as they go out into the world. Black daughters are on their own and by trail and error they finally put together some working plan on how to get on in society but this is often not without bad falls and resulting scars including brushes with the law, failure at relationships or failure to have relationships, teenage unplanned pregnancy etc etc.

My advice to anyone who feels that they have not had much of necessary motherly guidance in specific areas, is to identify the area and get a mentor, get an instruction book or sign up for a course. As I always say, you must spend on the areas of your deficiency and build this area up with focus and effort.

Next blog post available from 31st January

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Happy 2013: A Little Review of Where We Are

New year comes just straight after Christmas, before you can even catch your breath, doesn’t it? It's pretty much easier to consider yourself already in a new year as soon as Christmas rolls around. This is essentially how I have come to see it for a couple of year now, by Christmas I am psychologically and mentally a year older and living in the new year.

What achievements, await you in 2013? What have you not achieved but are determined to achieve, is it Marriage? Children? Do you want your own business or house, or maybe all of these!

Only you can determine what it will be for you by this time next year.

 

By way of review of the BWE work from the start (around 2006) to date, I will say here that it is my belief that a growing number of black women (who prefer to think about these issues as opposed to refuse to deal sensibly with the reality before them) now know or have become aware and sensible in the face of many critical issues affecting black women due to the work of BWE. I believe the work of BWE blogs and proponents has worked its way into the general discussions of black women and into the thinking of a not insignificant number of black women out there in the wider society and not just those of us who have determined to live empowered.

The issue of Black men coming home

A growing mass of black women now know this view is futile. It happened slowly but now I sense the acceptance of this fact when I read websites and blogs that would have previously advocated for black women to sit and wait for black men. While these websites and blogs dont seem to have much by way of 'what next for black women', they seem to have come to the conclusion that all those lofty and ideal promises around black men and black women being together have failed and are irreparable. I see fewer and fewer people try to pretend that, the disdain even malice from black men towards black women 'is just from a small minority' which can be overlooked. Folk know that it is very much a feature of today’s black man. Each act of disdain of black women by men which continues to occur in the media and in the entertainment world, and each violent act or murder of black women reported on the news has nailed home the truth. Within the gap and dearth of discussion on 'what black women might do next' many black women are finding their own solutions and of course taking up the options that BWE has continued to champion and put forward about how black women can live healthier and happier lives.

I think the work of Ralph Richard Banks around his book 'Is marriage for white people?' burst through a whole lot of resistance, denial and refusal of black women, to deal with the reality in front of them. For many it was the shock treatment that finally forced them to confront an issue which they were doing everything possible to ignore, while suffering dearly for it.

In short I think we are moving away from the phase of resisting the reality of this matter in the wider body of black women. Indeed, maybe I no longer visit the same old websites I used to but the sense I am getting is that black women are no longer talking very strongly about black men and women getting together and casting about for ways which black women (of course it's black women, who else?) might make it happen.

Black planet

I think the idea of salvaging our people and lifting us up as a collective is still a hard one for many black women to give up and many BWE proponents and followers also struggle in this area and though they understand that black women must wisely go after their happiness and let go of the futile pursuit of reconstructing the black group, often an incident trips them into 'lets save our group' mind frame again. Many BWE black women cannot seem to uncouple their self elevation from group elevation, even though loads and loads have been written about how black women are essentially drained and destroyed by the 'saving the black community' project because the project is constructed around the idea of black women's health, wealth, their very sanity and well-being, being sacrificed into the effort.

Indeed BWE has always been clear that community salvation requires the life blood of black women and that as long as this is the way it is to be achieved, black women must totally dissociate themselves from that project even down to their immediate family situation if it mirrors this broader demand for black women to self- extinguish.

Some of us are still confused about how 'putting black women first' works and why we say it conflicts with 'saving alla people'. Get clear about the difference between putting black women first (BWE), and putting community ahead of yourself (BCE), here

Government/society owes me a good life

I think the current bad/struggling economy has kind of resolved this one for a lot of black women even though there will always be people caught on the sandy beaches after the tide pulls out.

I wrote the following in one of my previous blog posts:

The case for personal responsibility and common sense in one's dealings is being so effortlessly made as we get squeezed financially and cuts to all sorts of safety nets are being implemented. When there are no more government programs to stand-in for a participating husband and father, many black women curiously become wise in choosing who to bear offspring with, and the conditions under which it will happen!

 

Self- Advocacy

I think there is an emotional resistance on the part of black women to the idea of being expected to do more to achieve results especially result that others are not expected to work similarly for. I see, hear and feel this resistance in many BWE followers about doing that extra bit especially in the area of interracial dating.

I also wrote the following in one of my previous blog posts:

Self advocates don’t dwell on the fact that Asian women are not being asked to 'pursue' white men, or are not asked to talk to men first, they push all that to the back of their minds and strike up a conversation with the white man standing on the queue.

Self advocates will do all they can to get themselves up and out of the cloak of invisibility that surrounds black women, and to break away from the poor social harvest that many black women are reaping. Self advocates are way too in love with the bright future they could have, to waste a second, complaining about the little effort (which it will amount to when compared to the future that awaits) they need to make to achieve their goals.

For the new year, I hope you the reader will not be too off put by what you see as you having to take an extra step not demanded of others, to refuse to do what you can for your own self-elevation.

 

Making headway over the age of 35

This is what I wrote a while back:

With BWE I know that those who will make something out of it (all we have preached and put forward re BWE) and maybe in the nick of time are those who have just crossed that age thirty threshold. Anyone above 35 who has just come across the idea of black women living for themselves aka BWE will have to work triple time and put in double effort to secure something for themselves. Those in this age group (over 35) are the pioneer group who have to contend with adverse conditions, with working on a hard land that has not been broken up yet, combating stereotypes that have not been softened and also battling their own self esteem issues and complexes, fears about ticking clocks, self recriminations, self pity etc etc.

By the time the younger groups comes through, a lot of work would have been done to change attitudes about black woman, lifting negative notions obscuring black women's desirability and femininity, and opening up black women's social range (unlimited). The pioneers would have changed attitudes and the word would be out, that black women can and are living for themselves. There will be a better understanding of the silent mistreatment and the particular brand of discrimination she has been experiencing all the while from what appears to be her two main detractors; white women and black men.

Black women not marrying is now a facet of their culture! That’s what it is now given the fact that black women are not marrying in any great numbers. The black woman who pursues seriously the marriage objective, is thus marking herself out as of a different culture to what pertains to black women as a rule, and also has made it her objective to not accept what has received wide acceptance in the broader body of black women, and that is the whole idea of going it alone, accepting a life without real companionship and support. She has a higher expectation for herself.

HAPPY 2013!

Next blog post available from 14th January 2013

My latest e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Merry Christmas and a Very Happy 2013

This is wishing all the readers of this blog and all who have been with me on this journey a Very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year full of dreams come true! - Halima

Online dating: some tips

OK someone asked for me to share what I have learnt from online dating. Let me start with this:

The drawbacks of dating online include:

• Time wasters
• men who don’t know what they want
• Men not on your time frame (happy to chat and IM for the next five years (those misusing the online dating portal for friendship)!
• Divorcees and etc still grieving over their lost wives (and still angry to boot) and as a result not ready to move on

All the above can be summarised as men who are essentially 'not focussed on the relationship goal' either unknowingly (because yes humans often don’t know their deepest motivations and intentions) or knowingly (because they are on the prowl for sex etc). You have to find a way to eliminate these categories and as fast as possible so they don’t clog up your time (especially as you don’t have unlimited time as a woman).

Drawbacks of Interracial dating sites in particular

One of the clear draw backs of interracial dating sites, is that white men on those sites can often be looking for the stereotypical black woman(whether they realize it or not). Or they may hold a certain 'pieced together' idea of what the black woman they are looking for sounds like. If you are not the type they imagine, guess what happens when you pick up the phone and speak in 'perfect' English? You guessed it, he who was sweating you hard is suddenly no where to be found. For some of these men, black women fit a rigid archetype and if you deviate from this type, they just don’t know how to handle you! Blame the continued segregation of whites and blacks which means that imagination comes in to make up for the gaps and ignorance. Unfortunately some men hold fast to their 'ideals' instead of allowing for the fact that their conceptions need to be transformed by the real experience of meeting and interacting with black women.

Lets follow this issue logically. We can assume that at least half of the white men on these sites have not dated black women and also in the age range that is over thirty five, you often find a number of divorcees. The implication here is that many are looking for something that is not their former partner/s (read: white women). They then piece together an idea and a vision of what they want, and they come up with variants of the following.

'I think I will be needing':

• A nice African woman who is naïve and less grasping than a western woman
• A nice respectful black woman because she is motherly and cares for her man and children above herself (an idea pieced together from snippets of information gathered over the years from a wide array of sources; from obscure documentaries, videos, watching church going black women on Sunday or mild mannered Ghanaian women going to their early morning work)

Now it's not that many non-stereotypical black women aren't caring and kind, etc etc, its that the tight and inflexible notions of what a right acting woman would look like is flawed. Some white men on these sites will eliminate a woman for not sounding as they expect this black woman they have essentially formed in their imagination would sound! This is why I advice that you have a chat with any white guy sweating you within two-three days, so he can be on his merry little way as soon as possible if necessary!

Some men are open minded and happy to go along and see what this attractive speaking woman might unravel. Others have been burnt and wont want to give any leeway to the notion of having a quiet timid deeply accented woman. I guess this is one of the reasons why you can't beat meeting at work/school etc (and the reason why you need a face-to-face sooner than later with online dating). There is just something about the medium of the connection that sets things up all differently. When people connect through everyday situations they don’t normally have barriers up or the charm of a person, in person, can slip past prior conceived lists of requirements and preferences. Because after days of brushing up against Miss A or Mr C, the fact that you never liked a 5'9 woman or a man with an Irish accent just isn’t that a big issue because he or she brings so much more to override what was a silly idea in the first place! However if you met them after connecting online, failing in any slight way would be an indicator of a disaster waiting to happen.

We apply a higher standard to our online connections because of the false notion that there are endless men or women to choose from, and also because we still retain an element of distrust of the online medium (who doesn’t think that online sites are full of sex seekers and gold diggers!)

Some tips

• Each day, set out to make one serious connection (not twenty). If you can have one real connection (one that seems serious and looks like it could go somewhere) a day or even three a week, this is better that entertaining a long list of BS.
• Get to speaking as soon as is possible (after two days I would offer a number if he isn’t forth coming -its a good way of getting rid of people who think they are serious and ready when they are really not)
• Don’t be disappointed to find that a man who was so eager has suddenly forgotten your number. You don’t know what he is looking for or how his mind is working around a certain vision of the woman he wants. Yes be disappointed for all of five seconds but quickly move on. Play this game like a pro and not a wimp.

Many people have to go through a learning process, and by trial and error online, before they settle on what they want, what is important or even discover that they are ready to 'get serious with this thing.' Examples of men re contacting women they broke off contact with after a few emails etc abound. It is possibly more of an issue of learning what they really want than of being trolls and time wasters.


My latest e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon