A reponse that deserves a comment

An anonymous commentor left the following response on one of my past articles. It didnt quite fit in so I decided to make it a post on its own and one that will give an opportunity to address a few issues raised by black women who can be largely defined by the term 'race women'.

Interesting post. I find it interesting that you assume so much about the mentality of black women who openly prefer black men over other races and are not very open to IR dating. I can't speak for all these women but I will speak for myself.

I never have nor do I think I ever will date a white man, ever. This has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to remain loyal to black men or boost their egos and has everything to do with my personal beliefs and my goals. I am very "racially conscious" and I make a point to discuss race-related issues whenever I get a chance to because I am aware that racism is still very rampid and across the globes blacks are not equal to whites. I cannot imagine walking the path I have laid out for myself with a white man by my side. It simply would not work. I would be a walking representation of everything that has gone wrong in my community. In addition to this I do not believe a white man could ever fully understand my struggle as a black woman. I do not think a black man could fully understand it either being that he is a man and I am woman but as a child of a black woman and having grown up in black skin he can gain a pretty decent understanding of my vision and my life. I do not want to have to educate my partner on things I think are so obvious. And when it comes down to it I am not attracted to white men. Physically they are not appealing to me and do absolutely nothing for me.

That being said, I am not against IR relationships. I have family members who are biracial or involved in IR relationships and I have no problem with it and think love is a beautiful thing no matter the color of the two people but you must recognize that IR relationships are not for everyone.

Personally I am open to dating Latinos and Asian men but I still prefer black men.

I think most people simply prefer dating people they have things in common with and as a black woman I have a lot more in common with black men than men of any other race.

I was never made to feel guilty for being attracted to men of other races. I actually wish I was more attracted to men of other races because then it would probably be easier to find a guy I'm interested in.

The first thing I need to say to the anonymous (and by extension all other women who feel similarly), is, live your life the way you choose! However I have a right to speak about the attitudes and activities of black women ('race women')in the same way that you can comment on black women who refuse the mantle of living for the sole purpose of advancing the race.

Also for me comes the realization, that there are black women at this point that are at the crossroads and I am morally obliged to point out as many holes as I see in the whole 'suffer for the race' approach which is prevelant among black women.

All in all, you havent laid down any new revelations on what drives black women to be race women. I just needed to point that out because you did seem to me to be trying to school me, and show me the 'logic' for your frame of mind. I already understand the logic, but no matter how many times it is repeated, I do not find it a sensible and viable way of thinking and living in this day and age, and even you yourself have admitted that you are having a hard time of it.

See further response in blue...

Interesting post. I find it interesting that you assume so much about the mentality of black women who openly prefer black men over other races and are not very open to IR dating. I can't speak for all these women but I will speak for myself.

As a bw myself, I think I reserve the right to make comments about the mentality of black women, don’t you think?

I never have nor do I think I ever will date a white man, ever. This has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to remain loyal to black men or boost their egos and has everything to do with my personal beliefs and my goals.

You are not bringing a new revelation here. I have addressed the issue of black women seeing themselves as some sort of infrasture and equipment for advancing the race (I glean this from what you are saying further down). Yes many black women do see themselves as bulldozers, cranes, trucks and other assorted earth moving equipment for and on behalf of the race.

Now if this is what you want to be and have reached this position from giving the issue thought, then please feel free to be who and what you want. However I find I have a moral duty and obligation to other black women out there, who are just following the crowd into a position that could potentially leave them hurt and bitter. Many have not thought through their position to any great extent nor followed the path they are on to its logical conclussion in their minds, to grasp the fact that there might be consequences that they are NOT going to be ok with.

At least if black women are to martyr themselves for the race, let them do so knowing the full arguments and what is at stake. ‘Uninformed martyrdom’ is what many black women are headed towards at this point.

Similar black women online writers like myself have already addressed and continue to address the issue of black women being in the mind frame of ‘saving alla people’ and as a result feeling duty bound to restrict themselves in their dating options. So nothing new here.

I am very "racially conscious" and I make a point to discuss race-related issues whenever I get a chance to because I am aware that racism is still very rampid and across the globes blacks are not equal to whites.

The common description is that you are a ‘race woman’. I do not encourage black women to be ‘race woman’, who are constantly talking about and focussed on race. You can affirm your race without being obsessive. However if this is your choice then go for it.

I cannot imagine walking the path I have laid out for myself with a white man by my side. It simply would not work. I would be a walking representation of everything that has gone wrong in my community.

Your response is stepped in 'in-group symbolism' which you hold tight to and feel should have profound meaning to everyone. Its one of those statements/comments that black women put out there and think that they are so profound but really they say nothing if you look past the reverence they are supposed to generate in us. Indeed, their power lies only in the fact that the person spouting them expects the listener to bow their heads in deep reverence to the sacred symbols of the race contained. I mean really, what does it mean that you and a white man 'would be the walking representation of everything that has gone wrong with the race'? I know that black women are suppose to read these statements within an 'altered' state of religious fervor for our race and get the deeper menaings, but without being assisted by altered state, such statements really have no inherent sense and are not as self-explanatory as you think!

As for it not working with white men, well duh! Of course it is not going to work when you clearly dont want it to. It is not going to work in your particular case but it works fine with thousands of black women who are married to or in relationships with white men. So this is about you and the relationship not being able to work in your specific case not the inability of such relationships to work on the whole.

Many black women and a growing number, do not subscribe to the idea that they cannot be racially conscious being with a white man. If you choose to see it this way, so be it, but it isn’t a universal truth because you hold it to be true.

In addition to this I do not believe a white man could ever fully understand my struggle as a black woman. I do not think a black man could fully understand it either being that he is a man and I am woman but as a child of a black woman and having grown up in black skin he can gain a pretty decent understanding of my vision and my life. I do not want to have to educate my partner on things I think are so obvious.

Indeed black men do not understand what it means to be a woman, which begs the question, ‘do men really have to understand what it means to be a woman before they can be adequate lovers and partners to women?' There is a key discussion about what it really takes to be an adequate companion but to cut a long story short, no one needs to 'live in the body' of the other person in order to be adequate companions or else we would all have to be in relationships with the same sex.

For you, just racial understanding is key. To me this is just very narrow. You can imagine how many things a woman can be which have little to do with race, and even if they do at points intersect with the reality of race, it is not exactly that frequent.

A woman can be a botanist, who likes rock and reads John Grisham and Maya Angelou. She can come from a large family and be a mother of two. She might have a long term illness, attend the methodist church, be a size 10 and be a vegan and she is also black. Now in this just very simplified picture of all that a woman can be, I see a dozen areas for 'understanding' and awareness arising for any prospective partner, areas where race doesnt even come into it.

In addition, you seem to be saying that it is impossible for white people to develop race understanding.

Your comments also lie on the bed of the assumption that understanding another racially means automatic commitment to working with them. But what of those who pretty much understand the black woman’s life but it doesn’t make them anymore caring towards her or make them want to lighten her load (ask the average black woman if she recieves help from her black male counterpart) or worst, what of a situation where that understanding becomes a ready weapon in the hands of others.

Some things to think about....

And when it comes down to it I am not attracted to white men. Physically they are not appealing to me and do absolutely nothing for me.

I am not surprised you do not find them attractive after everything you feel. Ruminating on the negative of any group will block out any possible attraction (basic psychology which doesnt require any pavlovian experiment).

You are indeed no different from white men who have issues with dating black women from negative stereotypes and racist reasons, though I daresay you will rationalize your own sentiments by using some black moral justification.

That being said, I am not against IR relationships. I have family members who are biracial or involved in IR relationships and I have no problem with it and think love is a beautiful thing no matter the color of the two people but you must recognize that IR relationships are not for everyone.

I am not trying to convert you trust me.

Personally I am open to dating Latinos and Asian men but I still prefer black men.

I think most people simply prefer dating people they have things in common with and as a black woman I have a lot more in common with black men than men of any other race.

So I see that you have now undercut your own 'poetic' arguments above about not dating white men because of them, as you put it, 'not being born of black women' or being in black skin. You cant seem to remain consistent, and that is because your developed argument is just a manufactured cover.

You hate white men but are trying to manufacture some plausible theory as cover.

I think it is high time many black women stopped being dishonest with themselves and everyone else and just admit and own the fact that they have a burning anger and resentment of white men, and they want to keep this anger going. They want to continue to revel in their hatred of white men and this 'lovely and comforting' feeling of hate towards white men would have to be given up for relationships with them.

It is more freeing to be honest.

Yes black women hate white men more so than even black men, but this is kept quiet. This is why black women see an obvious solution to their current dating crisis and decide to turn right round and stay in their massive disadvantage. They do not want to give up their hate and eternal feud with white men, this is the block. Keeping this anger to them is more important than companionship, the loss of opportunity to have kids etc etc. The posture of disdain towards white males (characterised by an anti reconciliation attitude) is a core part of who they have become.

It took me a while to see this white male-hate as a key hindrance to black women forming relationships with white men. Before then, I used to think it was all about society restraining her and the inculcated fears she had etc. The hatred for white men is the fourth binding cord.

But if you want to dismiss white men, please feel free, but just be honest (at least to yourself) and there is no need to manufacture some long winding theory to justify your decided negative feeling towards them.

I was never made to feel guilty for being attracted to men of other races. I actually wish I was more attracted to men of other races because then it would probably be easier to find a guy I'm interested in.

Trust me no one is loosing sleep over the fact that you are committed to not being interested in white men so don’t worry too much about it.

All in all, whatever floats one's boat….



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Fending for themselves among Wolves

Sometime in 2006 I wrote an article about the 'wall of shame' created by some black girls in Brown University to shame their black male counterparts for their preference for non black women and possibly with the intention of getting these males to come back. This incident I believe happened in 1996 and garnered media attention. These young women ended up looking bad on so many levels as you can imagine.

In the article I talked about being shocked that these girls were willing to lay down their self respect in a bid for black men, an attempt which failed. I was also suprised that they recieved no counsel against doing something that would not only convey the idea that they had no inherent attractive features and so needed to compel the men by shaming, but also that their activities lent to the notion of white beauty as superior. Those were indeed the days when black women would abandon self-pride in their most often futile attempts to get black men (it still continues to today, but a lot more black women employ some sense and self-awareness). I talked about how full of pride and big headed white girls were likely to be after the incident.

I am looking at this issue again. You see, even in articles written back in the 80s, there are clear descriptions of this same phenomenum; the rejection of black girls by black boys in school for their non-black counterparts, even today it is a widespread and well known practice. So why is it that each new batch of black girls goes to school unaware and unsuspecting and thus has to have their confidence crushed? Why did these Brown young women seem ambushed by this phenominum such that they had this reaction, when we all know that it happens and has for years?

Why are our young women still being sent off to schools and colleges naïve in the idea that black men will be theirs and embracing the idea that they must continue to reserve themselves for black boys/men and this is somehow a viable idea?

How is it that big sisters, aunts and mothers have decided to leave their daughters unprepared for something they themselves know and experienced. I question if they do indeed have good intentions towards our young black girls or are they so eager to see them hurt and demoralized as they were. Indeed, is this some necessary rite of passage for our girls.

We have and continue to do our young black girls a terrible wrong. Yes this does speak to the fact that the tradition of care and 'big sistershood' towards the next generation of black women has been eroded, if it isnt non existent altogether.

These black women at Brown are forever enshrined as the ugly ducklings because no one prepared them for the reality which we all knew would confront them on campus.

Sometime ago I was having this discussion with a freind who has two young girls. I said to her that she would have to prepare her daughters for the dating reality of today. She responded in a way that showed she was resistant to the idea. To me she was somehow willing for her daughters to persist in the 'fantasy' that black men would come for them regardless of the damage this obsolete idea would have. In truth, she appeared not to want to process this painful idea and join the dots of what she knew deep down(the recurring theme of black female lack of courage and burying their heads in the sand around this particular issue). I told her to remember her experinces in school of being taunted for being dark and asked her why she wanted her girls to experince all that unprepared. I told her if I had anything to do with it, the young ladies would be well prepared.

This whole incident underscores for me the fact that black women’s naivity is a tool used by black people and in particular pro self-sacrificing black women to continue to keep alive the non sustainable 'black unity' idea. To them the pain and self-doubt that will result for black women is a small price to pay as long as the black unity dream can be kept alive for a little longer. Naivety is a tool used to lock black girls into a life of sacrifice which they get trapped and groomed into before they know what the deal is.

What many folks seem unable process is that black unity cannot be sustained beyond this generation by only black women.

Yes you would have thought that by now, this understanding of how black boys behave would have entered into and been incorporated into the general 'intelligence' passed to young girls to enable them negotiate school life and their youth effectively. Yet black women who have gone before them somehow see passing on this crucial bit of information unimportant. The question is, are older black women looking out for the younger ones? It doesnt appears so.

Perharps failure to recall their experinces and pass on knowledge is because they are blocking out their own painfull experinces and trying to minimizing it for their mental health, however our young girls are being damaged and for their sake we must confront this issue and shore up their self esteem before it gets shot to pieces.

Indeed I cannot believe that here we are in 2009 with the issue covered over and when we do talk about it, it is in fits and starts, as if it is something new and something not widespread. We mention it in passing and speak about it as if it is just an anomally with limited occurrence when it has been with us for decades. We mention it as a side issue as if it is irrelevant to the mental-well-being of black girls.

But the rejection of black girls at school is now an entrenched culture from all observation. Can you imagine your young sisters, nieces and daughter being in that atmosphere, going through that esteem destroying experince everyday, with no protection, no mental armour given them by those who know the deal. Can you imagine the damage to their esteem and sense of self as a women. You hear all sorts of disturbing stories about black girls sitting huddled in the corner at prom parties, while the white girls are dancing with every type of color.

Can you imagine the distorted image of black women generated in the mind of white girls, and the inflated sense of self and ego they will always carry towards black women.

Why are we then suprised when our young women begin to normalize the idea of being alone and the notion that they are just not the ones to get men, or that they should be grateful for any attention, setting the stage for later acceptance of singleness and defective selection patterns.

Many of you are quick to extend compassion and consideration when bad things happen to non-black young women, but see black girls as being able to take whatever, strong women that we are supposed to be. We do not realize that these are not women with the experince and developed skills to be resilient, but our young vulnerable girls. Why do we cast them as those who ‘can take anything’ as if strongness is magically inherited by black females. And then we get shocked when they crack under the load.

This active devaluing of black women among their peers means black women are increasingly finding it hard to relate to wider society and even other women on an equal footing and with a sense of pride and confidence. Rather they are forced to carry a sense of personal shame and fear and a sense of not meeting the mark. Indeed black women become destabilized in their relationship with the rest of the world.

We must fight back!

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Some 1st Week July thoughts

About 'black unity'

'Black Unity' is a failed concept.

This might sound harsh and intolerable for some, but this is a simple, practical and realistic assessment of the situation.

Black unity will remain a failed concept because the critical ingredients to bring it to pass have not been obtained and they remain out of reach. Women running around trying to keep the idea alive and singlehandedly so, will not bring it about. All the fervent and heartfelt desire to see it happen will not do it.

When black women accost me with the black unity question, I ask them to do two things. I first ask them to explain to me what 'black unity' looks like in their minds.

Usually they come up with a picture that is a cross between life in Botswanna (like in the No 1 Ladies detective agency series) and something out of the Civil Rights era in unity of purpose. I then ask them to list all the key ingredients that they feel will be necessary to make this vision of black unity become a reality (and here I ask for a specific list, not the usual and vague 'Black people should do this, and, Black people should do that').

When this process has been completed, I then ask them, how many of the things listed are 'to hand' at present? (and this includes a shared idea of this vision of black unity and a general committment to the idea of building it, if they have left this off the list). The facial responses of these women to the last question is very telling.

The other day, I had reason to ask a woman if she thought black mens's participation was instrumental to achieveing 'black unity.' She said yes. I asked again, if she felt that black men are indeed 'co-pilots' in the endeavour. Another nod(emphatic). I further asked, 'at what point should the co-pilots be onboard, at 'take off' or after we have crossed the atlantic?' Silence.

In order for black unity to be possible (however defined) there needs to be commensurate effort (and effort that is applied all at the same time) from the key participants.

What continues to happen is black women continue to get a 'promise' that black men will be active participants at some point in time. But even black women who try to avoid confronting the sad truth, know that they are essentially carrying black men on their backs, all the way towards 'back unity'.

At the most basic level of committment and interest that these men can be involved, which is caring for and resourcing their families, you cant even get them. This tells you everything you need to know.

About bashing black men

Apparently pointing out the activities of black men which negatively impact black women is the new definition of 'bashing'. Someone switched the definitions while we were not watching, and it appears that black men are to be exempt mention. They must never be brought up in any conversation whatsoever, even if they play the key role in the state of affairs.

Dictionary.com has a definition for bashing which is:

'To engage in harsh, accusatory, threatening criticism.'

Thats just to clarify what bashing is for some of us who run scared anytime we get accused of this when we are simply engaging in the 'mapping' of our situation as black women, including the role played by various parties.

Always check the defintion.

I am unpeturbed about accusations of 'bashing black men', that get thrown about willy nilly. It is simply an attempt to shut down the growing consciousness that black women are experiencing regarding their general situation.

These false accusations are aimed at limiting our analysis of the situation we face, so that we and other black women do not gain insight into the battle that is before us, and locate who and what is the enemy against us. If we cave in to these crafty accusations, the result will clearly be that the solution we seek will be elusive. That is what happens when you dont know what you are facing. You end up not knowing how to address it.

Yes for some of us black women, the accusation of wrong doing even from wrong doers, is enough to make us drop our resolve and committment to liberating black women from the hell many are in. It should not be so. Toughen up!

This is all to say, I dont care if folks think I am bashing black men. I am very sure they will get over it!


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Black media as Mindguards

...........................Genius leaves the building...........................



Now some of you are worried about the demise of black magazines and periodicals, paricularly as a few well known ones have announced that they are on the brink. We have indeed lost a few in recent months, I know that a black newspaper round my neck of the woods recently went into adminstration as they say.

However unlike many of you I actually celebrate the passing of a number of black publications. I wish that a few more would crumble.

'Why?' you ask. Well because for over a decade now, many of these publications have set themselves up as 'mind guards', preventing and disallowing necessary and even critical understanding of what ails us particularly us as black women. These newspapers and magazines would rather push a lie that B is the problem when it is plain to see that A is the critical issue that needs to be addressed. I have talked about how they keep us locked in old conversations here or of my particular experience with a black editor, who guaging the 'liberating' effect of what I was reasoning for black women, decided to ensure their 'fetters' remained firmly in place by ignoring the discussion for something less threatening to the status quo.

Yes it remains important for these folks that black women continue operating in the belief that they have to scramble for black men. You see, many if not most of these magazines are diametrically opposed to our real freedom as black women, so they suppress any information (or doctor them and take away their potency) that would cause eyes to open and cause black women to reach for all they can have. Indeed these folks that are loudly lamenting about how whites are denying them opportuntities and vital information are the same one, only too happy to set limits on the minds of their fellow black people. How they can live with the sheer hypocricy is shocking to me. Indeed some of you are talking about white folks hiding critical information from black people, well I tell you now, that they can be taught a thing or two by the master obscurants that are the black media!

It is black newspapers and magazines that dig past glaring and obvious problems for some manufactured or non-critical side issues which they send black women after. The result is confusion, with many folks doubting and afraid to voice pure and simple and effective comonsense solutions around the issues afflicting black folk because an atmosphere has been created, where comonsense is no longer seen as such.

They have also spread this disengenious way of approaching issues in the 'Black community', so that today, you can actually have seminars and conventions where black issues are discussed and there is deliberate meandering round the the huge elephant in the room and people go home feeling valid dialogue has taken place. Not just that, these 'avoidance discourses' are now the dialogue style of choice for the majority who have become practiced in chasing after imaginary or statistically insignificant problems than face squarely the key issues that are staring us in the face. Yep the big elephant goes undressed while the focus becomes some imaginery or side issue at best.

(too bad I couldnt get an all black version of this picture)

So why would I want such publications to continue to exist.

So called black media have become stepped in and characterized by blatant disengeniousness and feigning ignorance of the real issue, skirting real solutions for non solutions, refusal to highlight real solutions because they fall outside endorsed black activities, solutions and parameters. These rags have serenaded black women in the face of danger and have sold false hope and false security that has kept many black women sitting ducks. They have betrayed the trust of black women who depend on these journals to tell them the truth about what is really going on around them. The best thing these magazines have done is provide a place for black women to complain and blow off steam and then get back to drudgery. They deem this as 'doing something concrete'. On their watch, Aids became a epidemic without check among black women, singleness soared and no real suggestions on a solution is forth coming from them. Catastrophic failure I would say!

So tell me again, why I would want such publications to continue to exist.

And so there was an article in Roots about black women learning from Michelle. Same ol formula; black women are the ones always in need of some adjustment or other, while black men somehow magically remain untouched while living within the same conditions that result in black women needing corrective adjustments. It is indeed amazing isnt it, how black women's character seems to have undergone change but magically black men remain unaltered and unaffected by the same situations that have left black women in need of major preaching and attitude 'adjustment,' well according to these articles that is.

It is clear that many of these publications do not give black women the credit of having complete brains, either that or they feel they can bait and toy with black women without repercussion at this point. I know communtities that would reward such constant disengenuos commentary with 'survival threatening' subscription cancellation.

Yes, this is all deliberate, this is deliberate substituiting of the clear and apparent causes for some drummed up issue. Indeed if these editors and writers can get black women to think that maybe the reason why there is high singleness among their ranks, is because of the 2% of black women who reject nerds, then maybe they can keep them jogging on the spot long enough for some change in winds to headoff the inevitable broadening of black women's relationship search beyond just black men.

Remember this is the objective. This is about sending black women on a wild-goose chase, a stalling tactic keeping black women back from focussing on the real causes and thus from realizing the need to find solutions beyond just black men(clearly the next step open to those serious about relationships and marriage). Yep, this is about at least holding them back long enough in hope that a change will somehow 'magically' occur to prevent them resorting to non-black options.

So indeed, why should these magazines (online and off) that are playing cruel games on black women, continue to enjoy our patronage. This is simply paying to be insulted. I would much rather let these magazines fade away, so that those that have solutions and are willing to honestly deal with black women's issues have a chance to emerge. We need 'truth telling' magazines and newspapers. Being black is just not going to cut it anymore.

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In love with being downtrodden

Black women are downtrodden
Black women are despised
Every theory there is, shows that we are the lowest of the low, so what’s the use in trying to get a relationship

Possibly in all our the history in the West, black women have never been so without hope. So many are melancholic even depressed about the situation, and they are this way with myriads of opportunities around them. Well many don’t seem to think so, apparently.

Listen to black women talk, and you will pick up this sense of ‘there is no use.’ And with them thinking this way, you can be sure that they will never fire their creative synapsis to ensure they do get themselves out of their dire situation. Indeed the ‘can do‘ and ‘go getting‘ part of their brains shut down with such pessimism.

‘The statistics prove that no one wants us and there is no use in trying’

Some black women are angry at those of us who say there are opportunities to be had. They say this is giving out false hope. Many are now perversely reveling in being the underdog and the down throdden. It seems that ’low and down’ has become a key part of their identity and one which they jealously guard and hold in a death-grip. In fact some are so comfortable with discussions of black women’s ‘low status‘, they sigh with great relief to see articles and discussions highlighting this. Like a good old friend, they see it and say, ’where have you been’, ’we’ve been getting pretty uncomfortable with all this optimistic talk’.

Black women, we do love jeremiads, and of course resist any message of hope or optimism, in fact many black women are resentful of those who want to pull the plug on pity parties.

I was once involved in a discussion where a group of black women staged a virtual walkout because others refused to accept that it was all so totally bleak and desolate for black women in the dating arena. They took great offence at what they said was ‘people trying to deny them their voice' even when these people were only sharing from their own real life experiences, experiences which did not reflect the ‘gloom and doom' these women insisted was the only legitimate reality of black women. They wanted to glory in being despised and recjected, it was too much to bear that they were not allowed to roll in the mud of their rejection and call attention to their pitiable plight among other women.

In the future there will be reasons for lines of seperation among black women and one of these reasons will be that we notice this need in some to dwell on and indeed 'exult' in their lowly position. Now dont get me wrong here, I dont mean that we should not recognize the challenges that black women face in society, I mean that for some of us, we love to focus on this purely (and to jolly in it) without a mind to finding a solution. Some of you will need to seperate out from those who love to highight and talk about how forlorn we are as women. Yep we will distinguish ourselves from them just as we have seen a need to seperate from black women who enslave themselves to black men and their interests.

I want to point out that all this pessimism and disbelief has a lot to do with the fact that for years we have sacrificed our self-esteem and anything that could have improved our self-esteem, on the altar of service to black men. Along the way, black women embraced a self-denying service to their idol black men and the results are with us now.

We decided that an eroded self-esteem for black women would serve to shore up the masculinity of black men. We decided that we would sacrifice any suggestion of our wider appeal to other men, for the sake of inflating the black male ego, which we deemed as suffering under racism. Well guess what, we have been massively succesful, their egos are now grotesquely inflated and out of control. Now some of you cant say nothing to black men that they will 'hear'. Each day brings new demands for catering, coddling and more sacrifices and adoration.

Indeed, black women refused to allow themselves to acknowledge their ‘wider appeal’ for the sake of making black men less threatened and utterly sure of their superior masculinity (which held ‘their’ women utterly captive). We joined in spreading lies and fables about how black masculinity is superiority to that of all other men.

The thing that confounds me is the shock some women are now exhibiting that black male egos are out of control, I mean, how did you all think you could continue to exalt them and bow down to them figurately speaking and their heads would not swell and they become out of control? I guess this is the 'suspended comonsense' black thinking in action again.

Black women made to feel guilty, decided that they owed black males a depreciated sense of their own feminine appeal. The result is that now even they are convinced in the lie that we as black women have no widely appealing feminine attributes and that even to get black men to appreciate us, we must remind them of their race duty and obligation to be with us. Such indignity!!

Many black women do secretly wonder how the creator could have got it so wrong as to design a female who would have no female appeal. Trust me, this is the sentiment, despite the protestation that they have never been in doubt that black women attract men, and the citing white men’s actions during slavery as proof.

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Speaking about the plight of black women, while studying physics in high school, I remember being told, how that at one point in a room that was full of sound, all sound cancels itself out. I am still trying to come up with the term for this phenomenum, but it was so fascinating to imagine that at one spot, even in a heavy metal concert, there is absolute silence. Wow!

The fact is that the net effect of forces and factors operating in any give locality equals zero at one point. Black women need to look at the world like that, and realise that there are always gaps, footholds and opportunities even in a system that seems without weakness (and lord knows any oppressive system desgined by humans has multiple points of weakness). Always look out for gaps in the system (that many feel are so heavily weighed against us), with a foothold you can go ahead to change a whole system. Optimists will always see and take hold of the opppotunities around, so in essence, this is a mentality issue!
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On another note, I have noticed that some black women have a desperate need to get at white males, to get our hands round their necks and sink claws into their jugulars when a chance arises. When there are conversations and discussions which race comes up and there is a clear shot to be taken at white men, they go for it like a missle! Indeed black women can be all about reconciliation and interracial dating etc, but a little opening appears to aim at white men and they just cant help themselves.

What’s up with that?

Do you know that we black females are the only group of people prepped to ‘self-sabotage’ our interracial options with our continuous racial resentment? Some of you need to realise this and begin to reign in your white male bloodlust. Folks are laughing at you not with you!


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'I think you glorify white men and make them out as saviours'

Gloria and the late TRex




Would you not say you lift white men up as saviours?

I would say that that speaks more to the fact that the person making such a comment, has been carefully trained to see any positive discussion of white men as worship. You see, when people have been indoctrinated to dwell on the evils of white men and never see or say anything good about them, then even speaking of them in the most nuetral of terms, brings on charges of ‘white worship’.

We cannot deny the following:

White men are the largest group of men available to women in the western hemisphere therefore it is logical that they be the main focus of any attempts of black women to expand their traditional dating options.

White men at present ‘recommend’ themselves in terms of a range of social indicators. Pointing out their positive scorings on these indicators is not worshipping it is simply noting the facts.

White men occupy a negative position in the overall black narrative, pointing out the positives of white men or pointing out that there are ‘created’ myths about white men in black narratives particularly aimed at keeping black women negative about them, is not worshipping, rather it is actually balancing out an unfair and negative picture that works more to the detriment of black women.

I repeat, we (particularly black women), have been carefully taught that saying anything even slightly positive about white men, is tantamount to worship. In the mindset of ‘white men are so evil and the source of everything evil', even acknowledging a white man's good golf swing amounts to ultimate worship. This is the kind of perceptional calibration we are dealing with.

The instructions for black women are clear, ‘See nothing good in white men’, ‘Only see and talk on the evil and negative in the actions of white men’, ‘If you observe any good in a white man then that means you are in alignment with white supremacy‘.

Women who obey these injunctions are the ones who have such a knee jerk reaction to anyone saying anything slightly positive about a white male. They rush to annihilate any black woman who didn’t get the memo about how they ought to be speaking about white males.

In addition, in popular black discourses and narratives, you sense that just like a see-saw, the elevating of black men has been carefully tied and secured to the downing of white men.



So up white man (or anything interpreted as upping white man) automatically means downing black man. And this is the notion that black people are responding to when they ‘knee-jerk’ into accusing others of worshipping white men.

We must not forget also how black women are expected not to mention their positive experiences with white men, and how this is seen as doing white male obeisance. If black women want to talk about their real and positive experiences here, they feel compelled to doctor their statements to show they are not saying that all white men are wonderful, yet anyone with a smatering of comonsense should already know that this is not what is being said. Why then do black women feel a need to qualify and make certain of things which should be comonsense?

Many black women take pains to down play any white-male positive comments or introduce a range of caveats or weave round and round just to make a straightforward comment. For an instance and instead of saying ‘He (white man), is the best boyfriend I ever had’, the acceptable version of events is:

‘There are good and bad in every race, it so happens I found a white man who loves me and treats me right’.

I am yet to see equal desperation in black women to similarly ‘qualify’ their good experiences with black men by saying perhaps, ‘It so happens I found a black man who treats me right’. On the contrary, black women are under strain to convey that there a hordes and hordes of ‘do right’ brothas out there for black women.

Let me mention here that I do not think IR bloggers claim that there is a mainstream white male stampede for black women. Instead there is the realisation of an existence of a sub section of white men who can and do provide appropriate and satisfactory partnering prospects for black women and there are good odds and in some cases, even better odds of dating these than dating black men. We have also pointed out that some of the believed ideas about white men's taste, and habits and preferences are indeed ‘political stories’ used to put black women 'off' white men.

Yes there is racism which has implications for the chances and choices that are available to black women, but good prospects are to be found particularly by black women who take advantage of their full range of dating opportunities.


Get clued up about interracial dating, read the Interracial Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Sheeeeeeeeeee's Back!

The Difference between DBR white Nazi male & DBR black male

You would never see a white supremacist type white male go after Seal and Heidi Klum's daughter... Let alone prefer her and consider her to be "the epitome of beauty" Compare and contrast the dbr black male vs. the dbr nazi white male; At least with the dbr white Nazi white male, his argument or so-called "cause" is always consistent!

My question is, if black males where really concerned about this so-called "black love" wouldn't they PREFER the women who come from these unions, instead of chasing white men's, Hispanic men's and Asian men's daughters?

read the rest here!


Breeding for the greater good lol! I learn a new term everyday.



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