Some black women are holding up the traffic aka MindGuards

Tom Teichman is a Founder shareholder and Vice Chairman of Dialog, one of the world's largest on-line business information companies. He has been married to Sandra (Ghanian/Barbadian) for 10 years and they have a son.

Scroll down to see Sandra

Some black women are consumed with worry that their noses and weaves and etc will disqualify them from dating beyond their race.

Well I guess Sandra wasnt!

Some black women will really be shocked to discover that the things they firmly believe men are after are not necessarily what they think!
.....................................


Holding up the traffic? How?

As black women we tend to take our cues from the 'alpha females' among us. I have seen this dynamic play out so many times that I dont doubt it any longer. I have seen how an idea suddenly becomes 'ok with me' or legitimate, because another black woman who is esteemed and looked up to, agrees with the idea. Before then, a black woman might recognise it as the truth from weighing up the issue for herself, yet will pull back and manufacture excuses which will magically get resolved once she sees sister A (who she deems as at the top of the pyramid) agree with the view.

It is indeed fascinating to study the dynamics existing in the black group particularly those that we strongly deny. Many of us (including myself) will claim to have independent minds for sure lol!

This 'deferring' to the endorsing personality rather than what we sense as the truth is however a very powerful 'checking' force among black women. It means that some women, well aware of their power to 'allow' certain ideas and conversations to take place, can position themselves as obstacles to black women moving on, moving forward and doing what is logical and needed. These women (consciously or unconsciously) knowing that they are being looked upon to broach certain topics for instance, and by so doing confirm them as issues of importance, validity and urgency or they are being looked upon to set the pace, context, tone and direction for the deliberation, might decided to hold back or give a negative or luke warm response, knowing this attitude will carry along. These women are mindguards — self-appointed group members who shield others from or block out dissenting information.

For instance some 'influencial' black women know that if they dont raise the topic of broader dating options on their forums etc, their audience will think that its not an important issue or it doesnt concern them, or 'nothing needs to change in the way I am conducting affairs'. Imagine how such women who have personal 'issues' with dating white men for instance can stymie a very important and necessary exploration or discussion for other black women at this critical time because of this. I am particularly worried when such women claim to be open minded, or they claim they can rise above their personal bias, or they say they have an open forum that will discuss honestly all issues pertaining to black women etc (when in the analysis of it they do not). This claim in itself elicits undeserved trust and belief from women who take them at their word and respond to their writings and etc without recognizing that they are unable to have an honest discussion.

A simple way of looking at what transpires is that alpha female says, 'I hate white men and the idea of dating white men or the notion of giving up on black love thus; I will not allow my forum etc to be used to explore this key issue, or I will weave a crafty article which will have the net effect of keeping black women where they already are.

Indeed, for some 'alpha females', its all about giving a superficial treatment to the topic and thus communicating no urgency or need for action (which they realise with their logical minds there should be). Instead they create an impression from their writing and in their forums that there is 'no big deal to the situation,' 'you will get by, you dont need to consider this an issue to look into personally' etc etc.

All over blogosphere, black female bloggers are coming up with the understanding that the black group suffers as a result of a lack of critical knowledge and it does appear that there is a deliberate blocking of such knowledge, which has itself become a commodity and tool for control and dominace. Never underestimate the ability of those who have access to knowlege (or knowledge portals) to control it, ration it and to give it a parculiar twist to either create, or sustain a situation of their liking among others or maintain a social gap between themselves and the rest, which then accrues some material or social benefits. Indeed one of the key problems of the black group is the fact that it continues to depend on knowledge, power and political brokers to make transactions on its behalf, while the rest of the population operates at a substantial deficit in all these areas. A very corrupting interface is thus created for the brokers, particularly when these brokers are interfacing for other black people with the wider white society.

Now some of us will have to answer for how we have used our positions and influence to control and cripple others, but individual black woman have to decided wether they want others to hold up their lives like traffic and indeed if you have commonsense and understanding and yet would rather defer to personality, then thats on you really!

Get clued up about interracial dating with the Interracial Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Why don’t you speak about the evils of white men?

What do you see?




So, why don’t you speak on the evils of white men?

I think black women are well acquainted and comprehensively so, of the evils of white men. As far as I am aware black women are in no doubt whatsoever that white men:

Raped our foremothers
Made us slaves
Instituted racism and actively discriminate
Visit police brutality on black people etc etc etc

White men’s evil is old news, common knowledge and common analysis (we are at this point very much in need of new understanding and further analysis to bring a better picture of what ails us as black women).

In addition 'White man as originator of all evil' gives a huge and blanket covering for other groups to keep hiding their own deliberate oppressive behaviour towards black women. In other words, they can brutalize black women and point at white men as being somehow responsible for shaping their actions. Often times this leads them to be treated leniently while black women are denied full redress.

Indeed if a white female boss victimizes a black woman and if this situation, is pursued in court, and if the white female is able to argue that the white man somehow made her act 'out of character'(often by saying he created the climate under which she was forced to act in such a way), and manages by this to gain some leniency, well guess who has been short changed in terms of full justice? You guessed it, the black woman.

Yet, if we imagine this scenario but replace white women with white men, a black woman has access to enough analysis to make a strong case for the full weight of the law to come down on him. She can claim sexism and racism; both recognised as discrimination and frowned upon generally. Yes the analysis for recognizing white males as victimizers, oppressors and misusers is in place and it is unambiguous.

Black women must understand that it is not in their interest to gloss over details when it comes to analyzing oppression, because it is in the finer details that black women‘s real situation is revealed.

Do not be thrown off the scent by some broad arguments out there of how others are 'victims' and all are 'victims' of white men.

If a black man beats down and beats up a black woman and then claims that overarching racism has placed burdens and stresses upon him to the extent that he 'brutalizes the black woman', and if he manages to gain leniency as a result, guess who has been short-changed in terms of justice and redress? You got it again; the black woman. Using a simple analogy, if the black man had to pay for the black woman’s medical treatment and was able to slash the amount due to half the value, then the black women gets treatment worth half the value of what should be due her, regardless of the fact that her injuries are just the same as if her attacker had been white (an attack for which she could claim full compensations).

We must see as simply dangerous, any discourse that does not visit equal condemnation and guilt to all oppressors of black women. Any act of direct oppression towards black women must not be made less, because it is occurring in ‘wider’ oppressive fields. This would be ratifying and endorsing certain conditions under which it is ok to annihilate black women and this loop hole must never exist for anyone to exploit. What made them do what they did? Let others worry and concern themselves about that, we have to ensure our survival. Indeed the most important thing here is black women being able to continue to ’present’ as entities among all other beings on this planet, and if there is a ’clause’ under which their destruction becomes ’excusable’ or ‘tolerated’, then it is a call for this to happen.

Black women MUST recognise a need for a black woman-centered analysis of oppression, which simply is an analysis which makes no concessions to any, but calls for equal and maximum penalties to be meted out to all and any who victimize black women. This serve as a deterrent to those who would attempt to hide behind the accepted discourse of 'white men are the source of all evil' to acquire leniency for acts of deliberate aggression against black women.

It is not for us to worry about what would happen to our attacker or to 'feel' for them because their poor life experinces made them whatever. We must careless or else we will be sitting ducks for them indeed why dont they target other demograhics if it is just a simple matter of their hard life making them do whatever? No it isnt just about 'their hard life', it is about an opportunity to express their damage on those who have less recourse because of their social positioning. It is about target practice on those who society does not adequately and actively protect. Therefore, our focus must be on sending a strong detering message to any would be exploiters and abusers.

We continue to foolishly adopt an approach that enables others to argue against paying the full pound of flesh for targeting us. This is indeed and again the repeating symptom of black women not understanding their interests, because it is for others to argue for concessions and reprieve, it is for us black women to vehemently reject such proposals!

Get clued up about interracial dating with the Interracial Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Are you being recruited to the cult of the 'Blues'

In the last post, I spoke about black women who believe their lot in life is to 'sing the blues', and how they actually gravitate to this situation or seek it out, or even self-sabotage if it looks like their current course might just take them away from the life of the blues.

There are another group of women who actively scout out and recruit on behalf of the cult of hardship and suffering. If they see that you look a bit 'unburdened' by life and that you seem not to be weighed down by the things 'real' black women must be weighed down by, they come over to you to first discover why and how you missed out on assuming 'the natural burden that all black women need to be carrying,' then by words, actions and 'advice', they try to move you into the life they feel that is required of all black women and that is one of carrying burdens and singing the blues.

Most of these women who recruit others do indeed look dour and burdened and have the air of a 'world of care' about them. You can see in their eyes that they question your perkiness and cheerfulness (not the feigned fabulosness some of us like to put on). Indeed there is a begrudging there of your different 'air'. You look to them like a strange specimen of the black woman; a new 'ignoble' breed that refuses the natural heaviness and weariness that should characterise a black woman's life. If you exude a different energy, a different air of a black woman who is not 'work horsing' on behalf of others or aggitating on behalf of race (with the attendant scowl and expression of one ready to kick off), then you become a concern because you are on the wrong track of black womanhood and need to be brough back to how you should be!

If you are in a group or team with these women etc they will try to nudge you towards the 'nobility' of and conditions of hardship mostly by making you feel that you are inauthentic unless you take on a burden or a fear that black women should have e.g. fear of not snagging a black man or the travials that come with the efforts to secure a black brotha (that is of course if they look at you and feel you do not belong to that select category of black woman who should escape that sorrows of black womanhood).

No suprises that I see too many examples of black women's wings and spirits being clipped in church. It is there that the notion of suffering black womanhood is more salient than anywhere else. I mean what else but suffering and hardship is the portion of the black woman, it permeates almost everything we do in the church from the testimonies we give to the thankless drudge work and non recognition and lack of support and even criminal elevation of mediocre men in ministry above women who have twice the aptitude. I wager that if the church preached and communicated a new message of 'no need for suffering' to black women, the first place that black women would begin to peel away from is the church itself! In the church, suffering is deemed as ennobling, sharing in christs characteristics etc. No wonder the ration of five women to one man continues to be shrugged off as a none issue. The truth is that suffering is supposed to be a mark of Godliness for black women and many black women run with this view and even police others into this suffering lifestyle!

The Black Church is indeed one place where women who are acquinated with hardship and sorrows do their bit to snuff out the optimism they sense and see particularly in the young women who have the lighheartedness of youth about them. Soon these young girls begin to take on the spirit of heaviness and the look of one who recognises that they have less claim to happiness and freedom.

One way of recruiting to the cult of the blues is by not talking about solutions but speaking as if the only thing that is to be done, is to 'pass through', 'endure' and keep ones dignity and integrity through the trials, as if going through harship is non negotiable. When there is a discussion about a difficult situation and it does not introduce a solution or a way out, then indeed it is essentially a call to continue in the pain, madness, lack and the mess.

A lot of suffering black women go through would fall away if black women are told, 'Actually, you dont have to endure or put up with this.' So when women withhold conversation of 'solutions', this is tantamount to endorsing a life of hardship.

So watch out, it could be that you are being recruited to the life of the blues.

Get clued up about interracial dating with the Interracial Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Are you a member of the 'Cult of the Blues’

We have been having very thought provoking discussions on a number of black female empowerment blogs and a few days ago on Khadija’s Blog , we came round to the question, ‘Why are many black women not creative in the pursuit of their advancement?’ You give some simple, straight forward suggestions and instead of ‘taking off’ with it, or at least doing something with it to a little extent, they come back to you with the most basic of questions of how to make it happen, or they become more creative and fast thinking in pointitng out reasons why it wont work.

Many black women when given some insight and the outline of a strong strategy that will launch them to another level, respond in a way that can cause one to wonder whether they are really serious about moving forward. This can be very frustrating for many of us who want to see black women win because while I do not discount the fact that some black women genuinely do not know how to help themselves out on the most basic level (a situation which is very worrying in itself), these ‘I cant even figure out how to put my left foot in front of my right without help’, responses can suggest there is no real desire to move away from a situation and excuse making just to stay put.

Many of you are acquainted with the ‘Hole in the bucket’ ditty made popular by Harry Belafonte. Essentially a guy wants to get out of helping fix a bucket by pointing out obstacles to getting this simple task done.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There's_a_hole_in_the_bucket

The strong sentiment communicated by his inability to do any 101 thinking around plugging a hole in a bucket, is that he does not really want to do it or he prefers the situation (lazing in the sun) as it is.

Not wanting to do any rudimentary thinking to put a plan into action, and not wanting to exert oneself in this regard, speaks to being comfortable in a situation or maybe still, not wanting the ‘change’ strong enough.

I want to point out a few other reasons why black women don’t want change.

Some black women have decided that black womanhood is about ‘singing the blues’.

In might not be a well formed thought and understanding in their minds but on some level this is how they understand black womanhood. They essentially feel that black women’s lot in life is to ‘sing the blues’; go through hardships and make it through the fire and just have a catalogue of complaints in tact and in place and ‘the lord will wipe away their tears some day’. This can mean that black women can indeed both seek out and set up situations that turn out this way.

I do believe that a host of back-to-front injunctions from the black community leads black women into a whole heap of hardship, yet at a point black women connect with this ‘identity of the blues.’ What happens however when black women latch unto the idea of ‘change’ or ‘more’ without addressing the deep rooted belief that black womanhood is about hurt and pain? Well it sets up self-sabotaging behaviour, resistance to doing anything real and practical towards making the change happen, or fault finding and lack of creativeness around suggestion towards coming out of dire situations.

Remember that our foremothers had woes aplenty. It is not suprising then that there are those of us (many at that) who have come to identify with a ‘woe is me’ life, in fact we have made it a ‘culture,’ and seek it out as a situation (most often subconsciously) regardless of talk to the opposite.

Many black women’s deep instincts on this is, ‘What’s a black woman without her blues situation?’ So when you suggest to them a way out, how they can have it better, or stress free, drama free existence, how they don’t need to suffer lack of men or not have to carry back breaking burdens, they get mighty uncomfortable because that is definitely not a black woman to them.

Deep down and without even processing it on a conscious level, black women who belong to the cult of the 'blues,' are saying, ‘That doesn’t sound like a black woman,’ ‘Where is the pain situation, where is the burden and the heavy load I have to labour under to really be a true black woman?’

This is a key reason why, when shown how we can move away from lack, some of us will find ourselves going back to or gravitating towards websites and forums that dwell on our pain situation without a clear plan and encouragement towards real solutions (beyond hope and pray and 'if we love urselves more it will happen'). Or we continue to moan and complain about lack of men and what have you and essentially thats all we are ready to do, because that’s what it is all about; its not about complaining towards a solution but complaining posibly to blow off steam and then go back to the situation. Yep, 'whats a black woman without her complaint ?’huh. That sure aint no real black woman.

The life of a martyr and the life of suffering is so tightly bound to the identity of many black women that they just automatically move to where there is woe and burdens to be carried.


Get clued up about interracial dating with the Interracial Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

You cannot love Black Men Unconditionally and maintain a Positive Regard for Black Women

I never watch the Tyra Banks show. I have come across it once or twice, when I was in the room where it was being watched by others. I have heard it being said that Tyra does not support black women. I am not aware of this and being a fan of ANTM, I would probably say she is supportive of black women, and in a recent cycle of the program, I sensed her upset when the black contestants did not make it past the six week mark. In fact when the last minority girl left at week seven I saw Tyra visibly upset.

However this ‘supportiveness’ of sisters can go out of the window under a different setting. When the people involved are black men and black women, and in this situation, I see how easily black women like Tyra might suddenly turn towards favouring black men and disdaining black women. And this might be what some of you have observed, and commented about on her talk shows, where it was said that she gives black men ‘the benefit of doubt’ and tolerance for the actions and activities that she would vilify her female guests for. An example is her warm response to Denis Rodman compared with that to Karen Stefans of video vixen fame.

Black women have ‘learnt’ how to be unsupportive of other black women over the years particularly in service of black men.

Back to the topic at hand. I said above, that you cannot love black men unconditionally and maintain a regard for black women. You must love one and hate the other. This is simply to say that hanging on to your unconditional love and support of black men requires that you get irritated and fed up with black women and downright hostile towards them on the whole. It will require you having major problems and a negative attitude towards fellow black women, and a clear impatience with their struggles and complaints.

Have you ever wondered why you are short and often irritated with fellow black women sometimes just by them walking past you? I am not talking about being exasperated with the foolish things they do sometimes, I mean you just suddenly and without provocation, fly off the handle with them or become impatient and then later wonder why you were so easily irritated with black women. Well better check to see, maybe its because you want to retain your good imagery of black men and black women are distorting this picture for you.

Lets face it, black women are complaining about mistreatment at the hands of black men. They talk about being victimized, and discriminated against, of being the ‘target’ of black men’s anger etc. For any black woman to want to continue to hang onto her regard, unconditional love, support and faith in black men, outbursts and fall outs with your ’sistas’ are are given, as the presence of these women will not allow you to keep up the pretence of saintly brotherhood any longer. They are indeed turning the channel away from your preferred picture of black men and each day the evidence that they are not the men you had hoped to pin your black hopes and dreams to mounts, and so will tensions and frictions with the ones who are forcing you to reassess this sacred perspective.

Think about that next time you feel ’irritated’ by black women and their condition.


Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Is this Unforgivable?

Not if you are a Black woman. As black woman you must find it in your heart to pull up an excuse for the clear undeniable messages being sent about the image of the woman who is you. You must pretend you dont see it, and dont care, or that its not a big deal to you (I mean who wants to be a sexual object anyway, black women dont need to be objectified uggh!).

You must push away the cringing shame that washes over you from knowing that everybody around sees and understands what black men are saying loud and clear about black women and her unique looks, that they are in no way objects of male fantasy and can afford to be excluded from the runnings of 'desirable womanhood', they dont need to be feted and sought out as a companion when a man has arrived. You must sustain the belief that they really dont see or notice these things, its an inhouse secret among blacks only!

You must shrug off any anger that you might start to feel indeed reprimand yourself for even entertaining anger against a 'brotha' rather than 'understanding' the deeper issues and forces at work here. You must look into the issue closely to see if in someway you and we as black women contributed to this outcome. Was it our penchant for weaves perhaps that contributed to this result? Indeed if we loved and embraced our natural hair wouldn't black men do same? Therefore it must be our fault.

Whatever you do, find an excuse, shrug off your anger, suppress it, work it off by taking a long run, turn it inwards but never let yourself get angry at a black man, or abandon the notion that your loyalty must remain exclusively with them. Be happy that at least she is still a 'woman of color'.



Anyway all this stuff about beauty is not important really, black women have bigger fish to fry {sarcasm off}

Get clued up about interracial dating with the Interracial Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Keeping black women in an unproductive conversation loop

Once again the issue of interracial dating made an appearance in one of the local black papers around where I live. When I picked up the paper, I felt transported back in time. This magazine was still recycling the old conversations we had had in the 20th century. The article on interracial dating and other related reporting were once again focussed on interracial dating as 'something black men do and black women complain about'. Black women were positioned again as trying to bring black men back to the fold and griping about loosing out to other women while black men were positioned as the cynosure of all female eyes.

I asked myself then, 'Why are they still stuck in the 1985 conversation?'. You see this set format dictates the ensuing script, the one which requires a black man talking about how lovely his nonblack partner is, and a black women bitterly complaining about black men abandoning black women for white women.

I observe this same 'stuck in a time warp' format over and over in mainstream TV. When Jerry or Ricki or any of the other daytime talk show hosts want to do a show on interracial dating they ask black women to file into the 'complainers' corner and ask white women and black men to go over to the defense. As I explained in 'Supposing I wanted to date a White Guy...?', this effectively 'traps' black women's image in the forlorn, discarded, unattractive loser category, and places her white female in the sought after, universally attractive category. A reluctance to move this script on denotes a comfort with the roles assigned to each and the fact that dividends accrue to other groups from black women being low positioned.

Indeed, the fact that after many years, it doesnt occur to folks that things have moved on and we need new stories and new view points, testifies to the fact that there is a 'status quo' need to keep black women's image in the unattractive category. This is also in line with the general media theme of presenting an unappealing image of black women.

So what about black media, and why do black women get kept in the 'forever bleating over black man' loop. Well its simple really, this 'framing' keeps black women looking at interracial dating as something wrong, something for black men, and something they have to fight to win black men back from. Trapped within this loop of thinking means black women never get out of seeing interracial dating as a negative thing, and indeed shunning it in their personal choices to remain consistent (yes black women show themselves to be very worried and particular about being moral and consistent in their belief systems and this is often used to secure them in place). Job done!

So it has been identified that best way to keep black women from getting any ideas about interracial dating is to keep the focus and framing and the age old conversations going.

Also black female journalists continue to be unthinking, framing their writings and journalistic investigations to fit in with this formula (never bothering to analyze what effect keeping things the way they are has on black women). But this is no suprise really as many continue to believe that the black female's only preoccupation should be serving the fight for the black community, and this should be the only organising precept for black women's lives, actions and choices.

Years ago I met one of the black newspaper editors in a book signing event and spoke to him at length about the book etc. He nodeded in agreement at the points I made and as we were about to part company, he said to me, 'I suppose you want a mention in my column'. I said 'Yes of course please do'. I must add here that I dont believe that black men can be fairminded in this respect. I believe that most are self serving, and out for themselves. I believe that they have been so spoilt and catered to within the black movement that now, the average black man continues to view issues in terms of all he can get out of it, and is unfit for considering anything beyond himself particularly anything as far removed from his immediate gratification as 'black uplift'.

And guess what, this editor proved me correct because after waiting for weeks for him to honor his promise, the article he finally trotted out months later was still the same old drivel centering on black men and their choices with the necessary accompanying picture of a black male in a romantic clinch with a white female. Once again it was about focussing black women on black men and their interracial activities and thus getting black women all caught up in the whole unproductive discussion about, 'Why do black men date white women' and 'How do we get our black men back'. These folks have been succesfully 'mind guarding' black women from a productive consideration of interracial dating particularly as something for them also.

See the aim here is not to somehow find a solution or bring about dialogue, it is about keeping black women occupied in fruitless concerns so they dont move on or off with their lives. Indeed most of these male editors are sitting on necessary conversations and ideas just to keep the status quo in place, and I am not just talking about the area of relationships. Many of us are wondering why the black community is going down the drain. It is indeed going down because the class of black people in charge of communicating life saving information are either trying to maintain the big fish in a little pond situation and are thinking, 'If I release this information or this finding etc, things will move on and out from my domination and control'.

And to add, I feel very sad for black women who invest the level of trust and hope they do in the black man being fair and considerate towards them. If they really knew how these men operate and that the only thought in the vast majority of these men is 'getting theirs', many of these women would have a heart attack. I can never trust black men with moving the interest of black women on, even if they get themselves a sex change. Selfishness and opportunism have become the key features of black male politics and it is as clear as day to observe, that is apart from those desperate not to see!

Get clued up about interracial dating with the Interracial Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)