Monday, May 19, 2008

Interracial Dating 101: Clarification

So what then causes the ‘awakening’ to the idea of dating other men?
Because a majority of black women are focussed on black men exclusively for relationships, they hardly ever realise the other options till something causes them to reassess this total focus on black men. The likely catalyst is disillusionment, disappointment or plain insufficiency in numbers of this primary dating focus i.e. black men. I term this process, ‘Going through black men to get to white.’ Many black women for instance wake up to the idea of other men after years of singleness and having no black male prospects insight. Some women awaken to other men, after one too many heartbreaks dating black men.

Isn’t it wrong to seek out white because you have problems with black?
I don’t think a judgement call is necessary here, this is simply the way many black women come to the idea of dating other men and as such, an acknowledgment of the reality of black women. If we however want to look at the cause, it is clear that it has a lot to do with social programming within their communtities.

Black women are raised to think 'only black men' when thinking relationships, and so it is only when they experience real problems here, that it comes to their minds to try other men. It’s like a child that suddenly discovers other things to play with after the wheel falls off its favourite toy truck.

Some black women are uncomfortable admitting that this is how the majority of black women come into the idea of interracial dating. They would rather promote the idea that being open from the start, is the only valid way to do interracial relationships and any other way will deeply flaw the resulting interracial union. This point of view seems reluctant to take into consideration what the reality of black women really is and offers elitist criteria for interracial dating.

Not only this, it is all unproven armchair psychobabble, that a disappointment caused awakening dooms any subsequent interracial relationship.

Not all black women come to interracial dating from a disappointment awakening, however it is safe to say that the majority of black women in the west do not grow up with a neutral race doctrine or a background that allows them to freely and confidently give all men an equal consideration. As black women we have been under strong and skilful directives of our community and indeed the whole society, to comply with a 'make it only black men' edict.

But doesn’t this mean that white men are the second choice?
Not exactly, there are black women who on the contrary, end up thinking that white men are the best, having compared their experiences with black men to that with white. Whether you see white men as second best or not, has little to do with the fact that the catalyst to your awakening was that you didn’t get a black man. This is just the pathway that brought you to a point were you reassessed your ‘only a black man’ paradigm, nothing more.

If a woman has a ‘white man is second best’ belief, this is likely to do with how strongly she adheres to the notion of black men = ideal. And this brings us back to the ‘Resistance Doctrine’ and the fact that this view is strongly contain in this doctrine.

When black women cleave strongly to certain Resistance Doctrine precept like, 'No man can love a black woman like a black man', or believe that it is a sacred duty to marry a black man and thus preserve the race, she is likely to view her relationships with white men as the second best option. Indeed if she manages to date interracially it might be for purely expedient reasons and a way of meeting relationship goals that she cannot find a black man to fulfil.

So and in summary, the fact that you have opened up to interracial dating from want, disillusion or disappointment doesn’t mean white men will be a second best option for you. This view is strongly correlated with the depth of your belief in aspects of the Resistance Doctrine that says so.

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Interracial Dating 101: the Basics

Do black women consider all men as possible mates?
With regards dating and relationships most black women don’t start out favouring all men equally, as being possible partners. In other words, black women do not start from a point, ‘Any man will do be they black, white or other’, the average black woman ONLY sees black men as ‘the’ relationship option for black women.

How do black women then get into the idea of ‘other men’?
Black women see black men as the only option till such a point as they experience an ‘awakening’ to the idea that other men and white men in particular can serve.

So why are black women so strongly bound to this idea that it has to be a black man?
This is a very complex and layered situation which I will try to simplify as much as possible. The first layer is the normalcy of dating black; black women date black men, that’s what they do, this is seen as standard and logical. Upon this layer of normalcy is deliberately built a political one.

It is important to realise that the historical and present reality of being black in this society has given rise to a strong and widely held doctrine of black resistance with resulting rules for black preservation and upliftment. The black resistance doctrine is unwritten and complex, it has behaviour codes particularly for those areas seen as key to black continuity (read more about this doctrine in the IR Dating E-Book).

How does it discourage interracial dating?
One of the core elements of the doctrine of resistance is its anti-interracial relationships stance and to sustain this idea, there is a reversal on white superiority, thus black men are built up while white men are diminished and made unappealing. This is a very key point.

Discouragement also comes from the fact that black woman who marry white are targeted for denouncement within this doctrine, and some very distasteful and a serious accusation are levelled against her including the fact that she hates her blackness, is a mercenary etc.

Scare tactics do indeed form part of the ways of 'corralling' black women. Because the preservation of blackness (and at all costs), is central to the ‘resistance doctrine', it is ok to play on black women’s fears and insecurities for instance those about their wider feminine appeal, to ensure that white men continue to ‘not’ be an option.

And how do black women respond to this ‘resistance’ doctrine?
Well black women are actually reared to take it to heart, to take hold of the rules and feel it is their moral duty to abide by them and thus prove their devotion and love for their community. They become strongly emotionally bound to this philosophy and feel compelled to be ‘good soldiers’ of their race particularly in the face of a black male slack or lack of commitment to these same goals. Some black women say to themselves, “If I just keep faith and keep believing, it will happen.” It gets to a point where they do not see an equal participation of black men as critical to the realisation of black goals as spelt out by the resistance doctrine.

The power of the community doctrine over an individual has a lot to do with ones upbringing. If you were raised in the tenets of ‘black Resistance’ or have come to cleave to it as a sacred article of the black group, it is very likely that the right strings can be pulled to get you reacting as you are meant to. This is why
African women are less likely to cleave to and believe in seperation from whites than African American women, because they are not reared in nor do they operate within such resistance doctrines.

What else puts a barrier up to interracial dating?
We have the hostility coming the other way that is from the the wider community. Black women believe they are not accepted and will be treated negatively by whites and white men. They have real fears and doubts which are reinforced by their experiences with white people, and with all the negative messages about black females beauty and femininity floating around.

However even if there were no doctrines to influence black women’s decisions, we still have segregation (and the resulting unfamiliarity with white men), as a structural block to interracial awakening.

Why are black women dependent on their community so?
In a world that is hostile to black people, they turn to their community for succour, acceptance and understanding. It can be a very scary thought that you might loose all of this backup, because of your choices and have no where else to turn to.

In recent years black women are waking up to the fact that their communities have turned out to be rather dangerous for them as black women and they work and toil for a community with deep rooted sexism and for little or no rewards. Thus some black women believe the black community is a myth.

I will pick up and expand on an aspect of the 'resistance' doctrine because it is important to really breakdown what really secures black women 'away' from interracial dating and thus the nature of the solution.

Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book

Send your questions to (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)