Thursday, October 25, 2012

It can be difficult for black women to accept that some men just find our brand of femininity intoxicating

I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and across from me was an Asian (Hindu looking) woman and a black man (possibly African), being affectionate. I used the descriptive terms above to draw a picture and illustrate that you wouldn’t necessarily put these two together under usual circumstances, but there they were, a couple.

A 'fly' black woman!

It got me thinking about how black women discount themselves from certain mixed relationships and discount other people from being interested in them, and how this mindset might actually (more than anything else) be the reason why they don’t get to be in these partnerships and with diverse types of men and not- as they believe- the world-wide conspiracy against black womanhood. Contrary to popular opinion and given our eclectic society where people brush up against each other and are compelled in dozen ways each day, to eschew small mindedness and instead join the mainstream of life, most people are not automatons programmed fully by the prejudices of their communities, such that they cannot respond favourably and positively to other people, no matter how maligned these are by their in-group.

There are a hundred different reasons why a 'Hindu' woman would not date a black man, but maybe it is the knowledge of these reasons in the mind of the black man that would be the barrier and not the reasons themselves. In the case of black women I am beginning to think this is the critical issue.

One of the reasons why I am beginning to lean in this direction is that in a multiracial community as most of us live in, we mostly interact with others outside the charged imperative of finding a mate or getting into a relationship. We meet as work of school colleagues, just getting on with work or school tasks, not looking to get into 'relationships' with any of these. This can mean we can find ourselves falling for another before we remember to put up barriers of prejudices and apply the 'he/she is not suitable' type parameters.

Richard has a lovely smile and he is passionate about the environment. I deeply admire these attributes and respond positively -but unconsciously- to Richard and way before I even realize I am thinking along lines that should trigger or make me trigger my reservations about romance with him, and the process is happening vice versa. This is a scenario that plays out, a hundred thousand times a day around our multiracial communities. By the time we think of triggering our romantic reservations, the impression formed of an individual might simply be too overwhelmingly positive to override. Nature is a master at manipulating the situation in favour of optimising reproduction and the diversity that improves an offspring's chances of persisting into the future.

There are other realities of a modern society that can also strengthen our resolve against retreating back into old insular ways, for one, more and more interracial couples out there proclaim loudly -without saying a single word- that it can be done and it's no longer a big deal. Many of us also have come to understand that our communities are not bastions of peace and self-sufficiency but can be places of pain and stifling, so why not open to good wherever it comes. Many of us also know there are higher values to live up to, of openness, tolerance, the brotherhood of all humans and despite religious and cultural arguments, many of us would love to live up to these ideals.

And to leave the domain of theory, there are men who have developed a taste for black woman that is beyond social re-engineering – strange as it might be for black women to believe and accept this to be the case, which is a sad commentary on our sense of self worth.

I know some people experienced a little discomfort at the word 'taste', but guess what, I bet they would still experience discomfort if I used the words preference, 'are stuck on' or 'fixated', which is a commentary on how any sort of attraction to us, good or otherwise, on the part of white men has been 'sordidized' (yes this is a made up word). I remember a couple of years ago, one perceptive commenter on a web discussion on interracial dating, asking the question, 'how does a white man then show his legitimate/valid attraction to a black woman?' She then went on to answer her own question, that it appears there is no provision given for such an occurrence.

Guess what, when a white man's attraction is made sordid under any and all circumstances, this is how black women's womanly confidence suffers; she may start off frowning at white men for their ugly attraction to her but she later starts to (with the help of black commentary on the issue) believe something about her encourages this abnormal and inordinate response in him, and then she begins to nurse major doubts about her own femininity and feminine attraction.

As an addendum, a good deal of us feel that men are conditionally attracted to us (i.e. because of what we did right). This is the way media/current culture shapes the discourse (women need to do A, B, and C to be attractive). There is no denying that appearance and presentation etc go a long way, however it is essential to consider that some of the times, it is more about who that person is (internally), that makes for his attraction to us.

How does a black woman deal with gnawing self-doubt as she interacts with the world?

One way is to ignore it or act despite it.

Actors and performers often deal with crippling stage fright/fears, they still get through their performances without mishap. Sometime the answer is, 'Just do it'- just like Nike says. You don’t have to necessarily, resolve your disquiets before you accept the attention of a man or mingle in a group like you are the belle of the ball. Step forward even with the butterflies- the butterflies often are gone by act 1 scene 2!

Sometimes you fake it, nod and accept he thinks you are this magical thing, and soon you will grow into the confidence.

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Thursday, October 18, 2012

More on black boys and their attacks of black girls and the 'upper-cutting' bus driver

When I wrote about the habit of black boys beating down black school girls, a number of readers wrote in about their experiences. Thank you for the responses. I have held off mentioning this pattern that I had noticed with black boys and their targeting of black girls for physical abuse, even though I have been noticing it for a while now. I believe it is simply an extension of the toxic black female hatred situation within the black community where black women and girls are disrespected and devalued, and this mindset is now communicating and implanting itself in black boys as soon as they start to understand and actively related to black girls.

Soul Alive wrote:
My daughter is in Middle school here in the states, and she informs me some loser Black kid came and asked her for the answers to an assignment. She quickly told him, what have you ever done for me? I lol'd at how sharp she is. On a more serious note, I advised her to stay away from that type. She went on to tell me that when she refused to capitulate, he whined and fussed. Eventually one of her friends gave him the answers as well as loan him a pencil! I told her to avoid that friend.

Turns out when the dirt bag was done with the pencil, he threw it at the young lady who had just helped him. I teach my daughter from YOUNG to avoid most things Black and male.

Soul alive provided here, an example of the problem that black girls who are aware and want to distance themselves from the whole unhealthy will face. When other black girls, yield themselves and their bodies to the idea of venerating black boys and catering to their wants and needs, they actually begin to create an environment where every black girl, (even the ones who do not accept this state of play), will become endangered. Mothers must never shy away from discussing this issue with their daughters (the toxicity of black circles, the entitlement behaviour of black boys and the constant black female endangering appeasement and veneration coming from other black girls/women) and pointing out the clear examples as in this case, of what such a general dynamic brings about; the out of control sense of entitlement of black men/boys and the subsequent bodily and emotional harm of black girls in their line of sight.

AK wrote:
The black girl said to her 'Come on Michelle man! I've been hit before plenty of times it's no big deal. Just go back down man you're holding up the bus!' I have to hand it to the biracial girl though she still stood her ground and refused to get up and she said 'No, I don't like being hit and he was there slapping me on my face going mad'. Then of course the WM driver stopped the bus and people had to get up and get out and wait for the next bus. A bunch of older white people were about to get on one of them had her young biracial daughter/granddaughter almost about to cry and the woman was cradling the girl's head.

Yes, you have black girls and black women actually contributing to this environment where black men are king. They shore it up, fetch the necessary players (i.e. other black girls who will serve and bow down to black men). They disarm other black girls who may think to resist. They wear them down with accusations that they are uppity, self haters etc, and cause them to doubt themselves and their desire to be treated with respect. They gather the surplus of black females that will be required for the harem of black men and to ensure that the number advantage and resultant devaluation of black women continues (this is why even black women who know that too many black women chasing black men has a negative impact on black women's ability to bargain for fairness and positive treatment, and who have even experienced what it does for the black woman's desire for fairness and respect, continue to push for black women to remain surplus to black men).

These black women and girls have become toxic to themselves and there isn’t much one can do but separate from and instruct your daughters to keep away from them and their circles or else they will work on you mentally and otherwise to recruit you to that social order and they will not rest, because a black woman operating outside this state of play an affront to them and their identity.

The 'Uppercutting' bus driver
Shidea on right. Should she be punched or should she be arrested, that is the question.

Most readers would have by now come across this incident widely reported on the net (if not type 'bus driver uppercut' in google. I find it very intriguing especially since a couple of days before I had written this:

...And let a black girl even tap a black boy lightly even in a playful manner, and that becomes a reason to viciously beat her down because, 'she hit me first'.

In this case the black girl in question Shidea N. Lane was without doubt very aggressive and as they say 'put her hands on the driver first'.

The driver made a curious statement, about how if she wanted to be treated like a man, 'he would treat her like one.' I think its a very telling one, that suggests underlining belief that black women who are aggressive need to be dealt with with brutal boxing ring force as opposed to being restrained (e.g. blocked, arms twisted behind their backs, shoved away). There was nothing in the driver's reactions that was about self protection etc as can be seen (the woman was standing before him calmly when he swung back and gave her that massive uppercut that even a man twice her size). His actions came from a place of hatred not frustration or self protection and I am not surprised (but many of you are curiously) that he has been suspended. His statement was a 'real' statement about where his heart was.

Apparently according to reports, the driver continued to fight with this passenger until he was separated by other passengers.

Well the bus service has issued its own statements

"His behavior is absolutely unacceptable. RTA apologizes to our customers for this incident."

I am glad it is the bus service that is holding to the professional and decent line (as usually is the case with black folks who don’t know what is decent), while black folks continue to argue about how she put hands on him first! (some of you might like to 'restudy' the video again and see if you can understand why the bus company took the line it did)

A significant number of people dwelling in black milieus have lost touch with decency and it is taking external people to reinforce and reimpose the idea and state of decency where black people congregate. Living in the black milieus can be deduced to lead to distortion of what is wrong and right and what is decent.

But the saddest thing in all this is that it is clear that even some who profess BWE, and BWE proponents have also lost touch with decency.

However will you find it?

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

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Supposing I wanted to
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Friday, October 12, 2012

Dont Get into the Ditch in the first place, then you wont need any Rescuing

Khalia (Mohammad Ali's daughter) her Jewish husband Spencer, and  son Jacob

Muhammed Ali Celebrates Grandson's Barmitvah

In a recent newspaper article a well-known black politician stated categorically that absent black fathers were the major reason behind knife and gang crime in the UK.

This is no news to any BWE proponent I am sure, even as we watch other folk struggle to be politically correct about it all, laying the blame at the door of slavery, poverty, government and what have you. Indeed this black politician comes from the Labour party (democrat equivalent) where you kind of, don’t say such things. However he decided to break with protocol. You could almost feel from his words, the frustration with the situation, how that things had gotten to such a head that it couldn’t be covered over any longer and he just had to speak the truth as he saw it. Of course the white media, tried to contain the message and water it down by injecting exceptions and humour etc, I guess as they are required to do by journalistic protocols these days!

Now the fact that this was a black politician even from the left, making this kind of assertion, is not really the big deal for me, instead two or should I say three other things from the back story grabbed me.

One is that he said he had sat with countless single mothers in the black community who were desperate for black fathers to participate in the lives of their sons, the second was that he was the son of a single mother himself and maybe I should add that he himself is married interracially.

Of recent I have been writing about how certain incidents have served to illuminate many of the core concepts we have been preaching with BWE, concepts that to even me have sometimes seemed purely theoretical, well this was another of those instances.

As I pictured this room full of single mothers (standing room only perhaps), imploring for this black man politician (this symbol of black manhood and a black person who would thus care about their situation) to do something- who knows what- on their behalf, maybe find a political wand that would magically make these men come back into their son's lives, it came home to me strongly, how black women make their own way hard.

Instead of taking easy steps to avoid getting into the situation in the first place, these women prefer to trust that some kind of magic will come to the rescue in the end, some kind of undiscovered, unexplored solution would somehow come into view and make things alright! Someone once made a snide comment about the fact that 'Black women are looking to government but government cannot find you a husband', once on a BWE blog and I know it came from a hateful place so was dismissed, but there is a load of sense in that statement.

The situation with these single mothers is no unpredictable accident, for the most parts, these women choose men who they knew and had seen, display a lack family values. Such women also get pregnant under conditions that have a 70:30 chance of landing them in single-parenthood. They can see and observe this to be the case all day and everyday so it's not like they didn’t see what was ahead or where taking by surprise at how it all panned out (as is the impression about mothers ending up alone). Some of these men have even had offspring with their friends and acquaintances and so they know what is likely, despite the crocodile tears they shed later.

Lets look at this lifestyle of having an option not to get into a predicament, yet deciding to do that which will clearly land you in the bad situation. Lets look at a lifestyle of expecting to be bailed out somehow, by the system, by government or by God etc even as you make decisions that are leading you into a place of problems. Apart from anything else, this is an amazingly inefficient way to conduct one's affairs. In today's parlance it would be termed purely 'unsustainable' and unacceptable in an age when as humans we have a moral obligation to conserve and live reasonably and sensibly with our resources, if not for anything, for the continuation of our very planet. Such a lifestyle if it was the model for an organisational, business etc, would lead to the catastrophic failure of the company and the loss of jobs. Think about that.

Think about the whole idea of asking a politician to somehow solve something outside the realm of human capabilities as in bringing back men (who very likely where never committed to the offspring or mother to start off with), into a family unity. Even if it could be managed by some wonderful alchemy, think of how much time, effort, resources would have to go into any kind of solution which will never be ideal, and then imagine how easy it is and would be for any black women to just opt out of getting into such a predicament in the first place.

In any case, I doubt even angel Gabriel could manage to do something for the situation of these women let a lone a singular black politician. This is the place where personal responsibility is the only solution or should I say personal common sense.

Think about how very straightforward it is to avoid having to end up in this situation with men who don’t participate in their children's lives. We are talking about marriage here, about not trusting just a word of promise (especially uttered in the heat of passion), one that is not immediately backed up with an offer of commitment.

Healthy Distrust

When you look at the mental set that leaves black women in this single-parenthood predicament (excluding rape, and abuse of under-age black girls), you will notice a couple of things:

One is that they know and expect the single parent state will come to pass for them at some point. In other words they don’t resist it but continue down the road when it opens up for them. For black women, single parenthood has become a culture therefore it should not be framed, even tackled as an issue of mishap, mistake or naivete. Black women need to be looked square in the eye and asked, 'Are you simply deciding to go down the road of single parenthood as a way of life?'

I see it all around me, at the right age range say 16-21, boys set up girls to be single-mothers and it follows like clock work to plan. It happens too frequently now for it to be couched as a mistake or something that just happens there is on a level an acceptance even an embrace of single motherhood.

Secondly for some black women who claim to have been fooled (a small percentage), by the whole situation and scheming of black men who they gave a 'brothers trust', it appears these women are relating to black men with trust that is unwarranted given the track records of black men.

If you had a business partner that repeatedly breached contracts (be they gentlemen’s agreements or signed legal documents), at some point you would learn to put into place safeguards, and the right protection whenever you had to deal with them. It appears black women by being so 'fooled' over and over and despite all the backlog of experience to teach them otherwise have not learnt to deal with black men and their repeated betrayal the way that is required and as any sensible being would after repeated disappointment. Which points again to them accepting black men's unreliability on some level, and eschewing a healthy distrust of black men, that would natural evolve in black women's attitudes due to the current state of play between black men and women.

I repeat that very few people would continue to deal with a repeated contract breaker

without adjusting to the fact that they have proved repeatedly unreliable and thus covering themselves legally or otherwise. I am well aware that many black community agents are acting to squelch this naturally evolving and self protecting distrust in interracting with black men, by branding it invalid or self-hate.


There is another thing here and that is that there are and continue to be in our modern society, substitutes for the participation of black men as fathers in their children's lives (welfare, other black women etc), and as long these 'stand ins' remain, the option to choose to be irresponsible and unsustainable in approach will continue to be taken up by a significant number of black women (even while covering themselves with the excuse that 'I was tricked', 'I was fooled'). In other words the motivation to act wisely is just not there currently for who whole host of black women because of the safety nets in place.

Which brings me to the conclusion that, I suppose one of the good things about our tight economic situations is that people are beginning to understand the hard way, how to organise themselves and their situations to be 'efficient' and sensible. The rationale for personal responsibility and common sense is being so effortlessly made as we get squeezed financially and cuts to all sorts of safety nets are being implemented. When there are no more government programs to stand-in for a participating husband and father, many black women curiously become wise!

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

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Do Black Women in Afros
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Supposing I wanted to
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Thursday, October 04, 2012

Spend on your Dream!

As an individual there will be areas in your life that will require you spending real money and effort to build up, while other aspects will come naturally to you.

You might have to spend loads of money to train yourself on public speaking for instance, yet your friend might be a natural in public speaking, she has never had a moment of stage freight and cant understand why people have nerves or cant sleep well a night before any presentation. I certainly know that I have spent loads of money looking for the right formula for weight loss for me (because it is indeed about finding the right formula that works for you from the thousands of methods that are out there-thanks Cher for being willing to share your weight loss surgery experience with us).

I think it is of vital importance to know that you will have to spend your money for self improvement in certain areas of life and not others. It is important not to be resentful of the fact that your friend doesn’t need a personal trainer when you require two (as well as a dietician) for instance. It is easy to fall into resentment and bitterness about the fact that you have to do loads of work in certain areas when others don’t seem to have the same problems and the same demands on their money. I think it would be a big mistake to resent the situation. For one you never know what their struggles are.

The best approach is to get on with what you know you need to do to take your life forward, pushing back the thoughts of 'Why do I have to do XYZ when Annabel doesn’t have struggles in this area'. Embrace the fact that your own life and who you are determines that in these areas you will need to work hard and spend towards the outcome you desire.

Some black women are not going to meet their 'prince' while walking down the streets of Harlem or where have you. Some of you will have to pay for a subscription online with a matchmaker for instance, which could set you back thousands of dollars. The question is, do you want it bad enough to do whatever it takes to get your dream, your desired goal. Its not about measuring your life against that of others or saying, 'If she got him going to church then why do I have to make extra efforts'.

Your dream is not cheap and neither should you be. If it takes buying resources do it! And don’t be waiting for a windfall, for sales or hoping that you may not need the resource like if you pray real hard. There are problems you could have had wrapped up last year but you were being too cheap and now two years later you are still with the problem.

Some of you might need to shell out the money for gastric band surgery. If you have researched and done your due diligence and realized it represents the most effective way for you, then why not be brave and do it, get back your life/start living instead of hoping for some other miracle and putting life on hold not to talk of damaging your health the longer you stay within an unhealthy weight range.

Sure you may sign up for a matchmaker and then subsequently meet Mr Right at the Farmer's market the next day, that still isn’t enough reason not to take out a subscription. I would still be very proud of myself for making the effort even if it worked out some other way. There is also the issue of time. Take the weight loss issue for instance, a personal trainer might get you to your goal faster (and quite possibly keep you on track as opposed to you yoyoing), which means you can get on living the life you want 6 months -1 year earlier than if you took other options. Many folk do not factor in the cost of time lost. Getting you to your goal faster can be the difference between having or loosing the opportunity to have children for instance.

Think carefully about the things you want to achieve and the resources needed and don’t delay in spending the time money and the effort. And do it Now!

Black school boys are out of hand!

I am constantly coming across black boys of school age manhandling black school girls, in such a way that if they were older, the police would be called on them! What the heck is going on. The other day a black boy knocked a fellow school girl to the ground in what started as a sort of play fight on the way home, he suddenly injected real viciousness into an innocent enough play fight. It appears the hatred of the black female is now finding root in black boys at a very young age.

I see white boys play fight with white girls all the time, twisting their arms or pulling their hair but it is never done to the point where the girl is really hurt or bruised, you can actually see how they are preventing any kind of bruising in their hold. Not so with black boys who play fight with black girls with such vehemence that it becomes something else. Maybe some of you mothers need to tell your daughters to avoid black boys outright because some demonic epidemic of black female hatred is sweeping the masses of black boys.

On another day, an idiot black man besides me on the bus, admitted that his son had told him directly that he likes punching girls (read: black girls because these are the only type of girls he will be able to get away with punching). He admitted it to a school age black girl and said it so matter of factly like it was no big deal and he didn’t even say that he countered the idiocy in anyway. In a cinema queue a few days later another black boy openly and while looking to catch my eye also professed finding pleasure in hitting women to the black girl who he had come with.

And let a black girl even tap a black boy lightly even in a playful manner, and that becomes a reason to viciously beat her down because, 'she hit me first'.

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon