Sunday, May 27, 2012

Am I crazy for feeling cheated by my Black Ex?

Aloha, very glad to have found your website as I am expecting and a bit stressed. I am a BW now married to a WM, this is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 16 years to a BM who was military. Very stressful. We have four children together whom he has not contacted in several years racking up 40k in back support. All this from an educated BM who more than had the resources to pay the little ordered and then some. He now has two more children with an Italian/Black woman whom he has not married. I of course am remarried to a WM who has resumed the responsibility of raising my four and our one we will soon have. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because of pregnancy but I'm experiencing feelings of bitterness towards my ex for not sticking around and raising his children especially his only son. I tried to make it easy for him and he just was not interested. I came to the conclusion that while making the babies was fun when it finally came to the very real responsibility of raising his children when he was placed on shore duty it was some he wanted nothing to do with. He of course used most of his time to cheat with non BW and ignore his family. This is a different experience from my now husband who spent most of his time actively looking for a partner to marry and start a family with but failing. Big contrast a lot of bitterness. I'm raising a BM I don't want his behaviour to echo his bio dads. I kinda feel like most BM are not wanting to be family types but WM after an appropriate time see it as a much wanted milestone. Am I crazy?! - M

Aloha M

I dont think you are crazy for feeling cheated by your ex not taking up his responsibilities for your children. Your feelings of guilt at having these emotions however says a lot about the fact that black women are cautioned not to make any demands on black men and not to make life in anyway complicated for black men who need to be free of all obligations and responsbilities. Such is the warning, that when we ask them to carry their own share of any family responsibility, we start to feel guilty and ashamed as if we are imposing on them and not that we are simply requiring them to take up their fair share and as they should.

Stress, pregnancy and hormones has possibly forced to the surface, the repressed anger at yielding to being taken advantage of, and maybe it has forced you to break with the program that you are expected to follow, so now you do not want to continue to be 'reasonable' as expected.

I have noticed that most black families dont groom their male children to 'take over the family business', so to say. In other words black men are raised to dogde any family burdens, tasks or responsibility. They are not raised to see themselves as one day taking up the responsbility of mama and papa (if there is one in the house!). Instead it is assumed that the daughters will step in to ensure that black males have as unencumbered a life and lifestyle as possible. Sadly black men do what they can get away with and black women have been lectured to ensure that the black man gets away with the whole game and at her expence!

Black women are positioned as the resource and black men the parasite who can and should feed off her if he so desires, this is how the black subculture positions the genders such that black women have to deliberately opt out of the arrangement. I say deliberately because at this point, any black woman who drifts into a relationship with any black man is almost 80% certain to find her relationship with him tracing this vampyric path even in marriage! Just by being with a black man, a black woman almost certainly has signed up to this contract of being resource drained (I have argued this in my book First Steps to Personal Empowerment that the devalued status of black women is ubiquitous in the black setting such that black marrige now offers no guarantee of division of labor). Indeed the using of black women as resource, now follows black women into marriage relationships where black man see marriage as another effective space to better effect the 'feeding off black women' cycle.

My suggestion is however that you let him and his issues fade away, because there is nothing that can be done to get what is owed you or get justice regarding this situation.

Immerse yourself in your new and honorable man, give him a big kiss and a neck rub, because you dont know how lucky you are to be with a man who can be so generous and chilvarous. Dont let any bad feelings and past issues come in to sour your relationship for even two seconds. And when your son sees you respond with admiration and respect he will know that this, this is what a real man; who earns the love and respect of a woman, does. You see the thing is that we have to give clear messages to our children about what a man of honor really is. The sad thing is that many of us bw (urged by the black community), have sent out a confusing message to our young sons. Our sons see us try to help the situation with their black dads, they see black women cut men slack and reward them for failing and it becomes impressed in their minds that black women have to make do and understand and keep the love flowing no matter what black men do. With this idea in mind black boys are surely not going to be motivated to do better, they even start feeling entitled and get angry at any demand.

When you go to your husband and give him a neck rub after a hard days work, your son will see that and know that a man works hard to come home to an appreciative woman!

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

They dont have to hate you to not want to date you!

It is important to understand and recognize how other act towards you because you will need this knowledge to be able to formulate a good plan and strategy for going forward socially.

Black men and leaning on resources of black women
When black men start out in life, they lean heavily on the resources and the good-will of black women. When black men arrive at some form of social stability they begin to protest this 'confinement' to black women as lovers and for relationships. This is one of the main dynamics draining wealth from black circles and represents the 'outward pouring' dynamic (resources traveling always out and away from black women, who create more only to have it move outwards again and again as they use it to build black men up) that leaves many black women poor and depletes their resources whether physical, emotional or mental.

Am I saying all black men do this? No, but it is done in significant numbers to be an issue for black women and an issue in terms of the drain on the meager resources black women can hardly spare. In addition many black men looking at the state of affairs also begin to aspire to the same dynamic if and when they can (once they don’t need black women to sponsor or support them). Indeed because this dynamic seems to go hand in hand with notions of prestige (i.e. rich and well to do black men picking lighter and even white skinned women and so acquiring these women is correlated with being successful etc), the trend continues upwards.

What accounts for the singleness rates among even well turned out black women
One key factor is black women focusing their romantic attention on black men exclusively. Not only does it create a culture where the idea is sold abroad that no other men need apply, it keeps black males confident that they can always get a black women and thus don’t need to be in a hurry to commit to any (and from observation this gamble is paying off as black women willingly take on, support and subsidize men who are pass their prime or who have become financially depleted). The value of black women is lowered, since no one else appears to be asking them out.

Get this Book (I wish I had thought to write is because it just needed to be written, well done D Cooper!)

I want to emphasize the point I made in the title: Black men don’t need to hate black women to not date them.

I think many folk might have gleaned the impression unwittingly from as BWE bloggers, that only black man who have contempt for black women (and show this in their actions, manner etc) exclude black women from their dating options. Many of us have come across these men, there is no denying it, however I want to illuminate the fact that not every black man excludes black women because of hate. There are black men who smile at black women, commend them on their efforts for community, say, 'Hey sis you look good', stop the bus to let you on, pull up a chair for you or move along for you to sit down....they still wont date you though!

I repeat, many black men dont actually hate black women or bear them ill-will but they just will not date them or marry them, many even feel attracted to black women but will end up with white and other women for all sorts of social and personal reasons. To the black women, no matter the 'good times' and 'laughs' if you are looking to be romantically attached, these men are of ZERO value to you!

Many black women spend years thinking, “Well he laughs at my jokes, compliments me on my natural hair, says kind words to me, spoke positively about me to management ...something is going to happen between us soon.” A black woman could quite easily spend years and years thinking that the black men around who show drips and drops of this social affection are just one step away of asking them out on a date. Whether it is church or work these black women hang around on hope until they loose the bloom of youth. Its a heartbreaking thing to see happen, yet in that state, you can hardly reach these women with reason.

The black woman of today must grow socially intelligent and must be able to read and interpret the running scripts of society in its response to her, especially when it is a repeating theme! A black woman cannot be helped if she wants to ignore the themes or pretend they aren’t there. Every other group on earth moves forward by being savvy to their situation. As I recently told a black woman, 'Black men are not marrying black women to any significant extent in today’s western society. It is for black women to figure this out quickly and get over the shock and paralysis to change course and rescue their own romantic and relationship ambitions.'

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon Here (Do Black women in Afros date white Guys?)   &   Here(First Steps to personal Empowerment)

"Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...?" is also available on Kindle

First Steps to Personal Empowerment

Do Black Women in Afros Date White Guys?