Pardon me for the long silences as I organise to be more effective. It's a long drawn out process unfortunately which I might not complete soon. Part of the process is an E-book for white men wanting to have relationships/freindships with black women. From the stat analysis over the years, a third of the buyer of my first book fall under 'male' category and I know there is a need on the side of white men to have an understanding of where black women are 'at' and indeed coming from in terms of relationships and dating. This book will be the most detailed you will ever find on the topic as it will combine over a decade of research and analysis and fact-gathering from and for the 'white male perspective'. I am a few drafts in to this work (which has a very funny title I must say). Please keep a look out for more info!
Anyway, in the midst of this work and reorganising however, I think it is important to write down a few thoughts at regular intervals for black women. Pardon me of they seem all over the place.
Black women confused and feeling pulled in all directions
Many black women are at this point confused as to what they should believe. Since IR blogging took off, many feel we IR bloggers are revealing truth that have been concealed and obscured to the detriment of black women, and many of our arguments resonate with their experinces. However some are pulled in a different direction. Their deep affection for their community (and how it has been shaped) means they are thinking, 'Is the situation really that bad in the black community in terms of dating?' Should I really be giving up? What of our foremothers had given up? (notice the way the issue of being practical about your situation suddenly starts sliding into an issue of 'race treason', 'giving up', not persevering with trust and belief you should have in blackness, not being a strong woman etc.
Unfortunately the pre-framing of all arguments on having a broader option in terms of dating has confused so many black women that they cant really think with clarity about these issues. Somehow they end up feeling this is about betrayal, rejection of blackness, giving up on black men, everything those who would love to corall black women for the good pleasure and service of their communtites would love them to think it is about, to keep them in place serving as a 'resource' for others. Some black women actually think nothing wrong in being a 'resource' to their race and take great pride in it. In truth they dont have a full understanding of what it means to be a 'resource'!
Indeed many black women remain unaware that the 'black woman as backbone' concept has tranmuted up into something even far more exacting and extreme; the concept of 'black woman as rescource for their communtities'. In the case black women exist for the sole purpose of servicing their community any concern for their personal needs such as for protection, respite, succour, comapnionship are looked upon as self serving, amoral an affront and deviation from the needs of their communtities.
Let me also add here that many of us black women are comfortable with 'suffering' and being in a suffering state. We have become used to it and thats why when there seems a clear way out, we would rather 'wait for black men', or wait for the sitaution to change etc etc. I see women saying, 'I'll give it 2 years etc as if the world and or an opportunity will hang around forever'. If your sense of self is 'founded' on hardship, battling through for victory, going about things the 'hard way', and if this is the only way you actually feel comfortable living your life and attaining your goals then I wont be suprised if you are in the 'lets wait around and see' group of black women of which a significant portion will I am afraid wake up one day and discover they have left things too late. Yes I am actually talking about such things as having a family. A personal family experince has thought me that time is shorter than we think. There is an 'open window' to achieve whatever you want no doubt, but often this gives the sense of stretched out time which is such a deception. 3 years before your detremined cut off date might be your real deadline for things you have planned.
Now in terms of what you should believe. I think it is almost essentiall that black women learn to journal. If you have confusions over issues of this nature learn to put down your observations in written form. I have said that the most important perspective in this whole issue is your reality. Are you being treated well and good in your options for now, do you have a healthy number of relationship prospects ie available men. If you do then nothing else but this reality should inform your actions. Do not be overtly worried about what Halima says about the situation or that which other 'contenders' for your affiliation might say, as long as they do not rhymn with your everyday experince, pay the lot of us no mind! This is simple and straight forward.
Also and most importantly, 'keep your eye on the prze'. This is the overall and most important thing. If you want to date and get into a long term relationship, have children, have a career etc etc keep that goal always before you. You will find your unconscious mind will begin to look for ways to bring this about. When I was learning to drive, I stuck a cut out car on my wall, where I could see this everyday. I must tell you that I am a slow learner in such things but even in the dark days of learning, when I just wanted to give up or was too tired to wake up to take my morning lessons, my unconcious mind worked its way towards my goal until I got my licence! As we move into a new year I would encourage black women to do the visual game (I like the idea of the 'possibilities book' in the film 'Last Holiday' with queen Latifah in fact NLP preaches it!). Use a code word if you are conscious of others seeing your dreams spelt out boldly but you know that MTY means 'married this year'.
When you keep your mind and eyes on the 'PRIZE', it determines what and how you will do things. This is what I talked about in the Obama Lessons (see below). Obama had his goal set before him and therefore he plotted a straigh course infront of him which didnt involve dilly dallying on a beach in california, arguing for excess bee cultivation in Brazil etc. When you have a goal, you have focus, when you have a goal you jettison excess baggage to reach it, when you have a goal you streamline to achieve it. And thats what you want for the new year; goals acheived!
Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Free E-book on 'The New Way to Date', from Author Ian Coburn. Download from http://www.godisawoman.net/Articles/The%20New%20Way%20to%20Date%20ebook%20-%205%20Steps%20to%20Great%20Dating.pdf
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Subverting the 'ought to' Codes!
Let me say this to people. Success is not all that hard. The ability to progress and move forward is in the human DNA. Sometimes the way black folks talk about black problems you'd think that we all need to go get a PHD to enable us work out our situation. Yet, it is for the simple fact that we have lost sight of the very basic principles that even most unsophisticated societies know and act on that black folks find themselves as a collective in dire situations. I often see black folks as running about looking for 'high level' solutions, when they should simply go back to the basics and so much would fall into place.
Now I was happy to hear a comment by one of the readers on another IR blog that the 'climate' seems to be changing for black women. She cited her experince of flirting with an Asian and white guy soon after Obama was declared the election winner (and his black wife michelle and two lovely daughters took world focus). She said that it appears men are looking at black women with a new gaze, as if seeing them with fresh eyes. I am so happy for this and say this is one thing I have been looking forward to; a situation of 'harvest' for black women, not just one or two hard fought wins, but a kind of general fertile atmosphere within which black women can reap and reap with little effort.
I want to warn you that there are some people who will want you to keep focussing only on black men for relationships and engaging in those age old conversations and back and forths about black men dating other races that takes a whole lot of black womens energy and critical time. Indeed I heard that a talk show host (a black man) is doing some sort of phone in show on the topic. When black men see that black womens's attention might be going elsewhere, they try to pull them back into the same ol talk and preoccupation. Trust me the idea that a growing number of black women are not obsessing over them and their ativities would send some black men into cardiac arrest. I have unearthed the fact that one of the decided (unwritten) criteria for true black womanhood within the black group, is that black women have to be focused on black men; their activities, their choices, their every move etc etc etc. I will be writing about this topic in the near future.
Sisters, particularly those who are my usual audience, dont waste your time on old and gone things. This is how folks prevent you from looking up and seeing new opportunities. When you are involved in the tooing and froing over black males dating choice, guess what? available and willing men just keep passing by. Now if you want to enagage in such debates then make sure it is to drop the seed of wisdom for other black women who are bound in the loop of hashing and rehasing and obsessing over black men. Put enough info out there for them to know they have other choices, something which the 'black community establishment' would rather they not know and avail themselves of.
Positioning for success
1) Get rid of the urge to 'conform' to what a black woman ought to be
Many of us, without even being aware are acting under black instructions of what I call the 'ought to codes'; how black women ought to talk, see things, feel about things, analysis issues, respond to issues etc etc. I remember being in a women's meeting a while back where a black woman expressed her point of view and suddenly there were all these cries of objection from black women, with one woman jumping up from her seat, and with a stern lecturing voice and even sterner face, tell her how she 'ought not to have 'thought that way' (as a black woman)'. You see as black women, we 'ought not' certain things. We ought not to think certain ways, we ought not to say certain things, we ought not to reach certain conclussions, ought not to take a certain line of action' etc etc etc. This is one key reason why a lot of 'black women's meetings' are unproductive and we black women, havent found a way out of the pit we are in as a group, even though thousands meet regularly all round the country. It is because when we come together we are still operating under notions of what we 'ought to' or 'ought not to' be doing, saying even feeling as black women, so our brain is not free to revolve 360 degrees in search of solutions. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can achieve in such a restricted frame of mind!
Black women are constantly in a straitjacket in terms of what they ought to and ought not do and it has become so instinctive in many that when they hear something spoken outside these accepted terms, they will immediately jump up to push the errant female back in line even if this woman was simply speaking from her pure observations of issues and what her senses were telling her about a situation, yet this is totally unacceptable if it clashes with what she 'ought to be saying'.
Let me tell you black women if you dont know this, there is a reason why the creator gave us five senses. It's that we can respond to what they are telling us about the environment and plot a favourable cause of action! If you dont respond to hot and cold appropraitely by putting on more or less clothing for instance, you could die. If you refuse to heed the blaring horns of a truck, you will get run over! You cannot afford to make a practice of discounting your sense-fed internal intelligence.
If you engage in switching off your senses so as to be more in line with what you 'ought to' be feeling, saying or doing, then you are already in trouble because it will be hard to unlearn this activity and your life will be all about fufilling the 'ought to' requirements rather than what your senses say is needed in the situation. At the extreme end of this, you will reprogram your sense till you are unaware of how you really feel and see things. No wonder we cant get many black women to plot a straight course from 'their needs' to 'the solution'. With all the manipulation going on with black women in their community, with people doing all they can to separate black women from their real needs(even the most basic and practical ones like self preservation), many black women are going to have to be re-taught how to reconnect with their needs as communicated by their senses.
Try this excercise, whenever you feel the 'ought to' response arise within you due to any situation, stop and think about the 'intelligence from your senses'. Think, 'But what do my eyes see?,' or 'What is the conclussion from what my eyes and ears are telling me?' Get to know your real 'sense feelings and responses', even if you choose to overide these.
Get the full story, get the IR Dating E-Book
Now I was happy to hear a comment by one of the readers on another IR blog that the 'climate' seems to be changing for black women. She cited her experince of flirting with an Asian and white guy soon after Obama was declared the election winner (and his black wife michelle and two lovely daughters took world focus). She said that it appears men are looking at black women with a new gaze, as if seeing them with fresh eyes. I am so happy for this and say this is one thing I have been looking forward to; a situation of 'harvest' for black women, not just one or two hard fought wins, but a kind of general fertile atmosphere within which black women can reap and reap with little effort.
I want to warn you that there are some people who will want you to keep focussing only on black men for relationships and engaging in those age old conversations and back and forths about black men dating other races that takes a whole lot of black womens energy and critical time. Indeed I heard that a talk show host (a black man) is doing some sort of phone in show on the topic. When black men see that black womens's attention might be going elsewhere, they try to pull them back into the same ol talk and preoccupation. Trust me the idea that a growing number of black women are not obsessing over them and their ativities would send some black men into cardiac arrest. I have unearthed the fact that one of the decided (unwritten) criteria for true black womanhood within the black group, is that black women have to be focused on black men; their activities, their choices, their every move etc etc etc. I will be writing about this topic in the near future.
Sisters, particularly those who are my usual audience, dont waste your time on old and gone things. This is how folks prevent you from looking up and seeing new opportunities. When you are involved in the tooing and froing over black males dating choice, guess what? available and willing men just keep passing by. Now if you want to enagage in such debates then make sure it is to drop the seed of wisdom for other black women who are bound in the loop of hashing and rehasing and obsessing over black men. Put enough info out there for them to know they have other choices, something which the 'black community establishment' would rather they not know and avail themselves of.
Positioning for success
1) Get rid of the urge to 'conform' to what a black woman ought to be
Many of us, without even being aware are acting under black instructions of what I call the 'ought to codes'; how black women ought to talk, see things, feel about things, analysis issues, respond to issues etc etc. I remember being in a women's meeting a while back where a black woman expressed her point of view and suddenly there were all these cries of objection from black women, with one woman jumping up from her seat, and with a stern lecturing voice and even sterner face, tell her how she 'ought not to have 'thought that way' (as a black woman)'. You see as black women, we 'ought not' certain things. We ought not to think certain ways, we ought not to say certain things, we ought not to reach certain conclussions, ought not to take a certain line of action' etc etc etc. This is one key reason why a lot of 'black women's meetings' are unproductive and we black women, havent found a way out of the pit we are in as a group, even though thousands meet regularly all round the country. It is because when we come together we are still operating under notions of what we 'ought to' or 'ought not to' be doing, saying even feeling as black women, so our brain is not free to revolve 360 degrees in search of solutions. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can achieve in such a restricted frame of mind!
Black women are constantly in a straitjacket in terms of what they ought to and ought not do and it has become so instinctive in many that when they hear something spoken outside these accepted terms, they will immediately jump up to push the errant female back in line even if this woman was simply speaking from her pure observations of issues and what her senses were telling her about a situation, yet this is totally unacceptable if it clashes with what she 'ought to be saying'.
Let me tell you black women if you dont know this, there is a reason why the creator gave us five senses. It's that we can respond to what they are telling us about the environment and plot a favourable cause of action! If you dont respond to hot and cold appropraitely by putting on more or less clothing for instance, you could die. If you refuse to heed the blaring horns of a truck, you will get run over! You cannot afford to make a practice of discounting your sense-fed internal intelligence.
If you engage in switching off your senses so as to be more in line with what you 'ought to' be feeling, saying or doing, then you are already in trouble because it will be hard to unlearn this activity and your life will be all about fufilling the 'ought to' requirements rather than what your senses say is needed in the situation. At the extreme end of this, you will reprogram your sense till you are unaware of how you really feel and see things. No wonder we cant get many black women to plot a straight course from 'their needs' to 'the solution'. With all the manipulation going on with black women in their community, with people doing all they can to separate black women from their real needs(even the most basic and practical ones like self preservation), many black women are going to have to be re-taught how to reconnect with their needs as communicated by their senses.
Try this excercise, whenever you feel the 'ought to' response arise within you due to any situation, stop and think about the 'intelligence from your senses'. Think, 'But what do my eyes see?,' or 'What is the conclussion from what my eyes and ears are telling me?' Get to know your real 'sense feelings and responses', even if you choose to overide these.
Get the full story, get the IR Dating E-Book
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Congratulations to the New Born America!
America has been reborn.
The whole idea of electing the son of a Kenyan, black and with a name like Hussein and Obama as President of the United State, means more than folks can even begin to understand and we on the ouside of it all, have been watching keenly, hoping and praying that America will show itself of the supreme moral fibre to do something which no other western country (despite their claims of open mindedness and fairness and all that stuff), has.
The symbolism is awesome,
The symbolism is awesome
This is a time when we can role back the evils of the past symbolically. Remember I say symbolically. But symbolically is enough for those who have positioned themselves to advance. Those who want to ride some gravy trains will be in trouble.
I have republican readers and I want to say that Mccain was admirable. His concession speech had me tearing up with how eloquent and succint it was. It just wasnt I believe, the season for republicans (the fundamentals just didnt favour it). However as sure as seasons change, Republicans time will come round. My prayer is that we will see the birth of a new republican party that does not major on fear and division and stiring up the coarser instincts in us all. Mccain was and still is a worthy opponent (not too sure about all that stuff with Palin though).
Black women savor this moment.
I just want to say to bw, its time to position yourself for the opportunity change brings.
I will be speaking to you about strategies for positioning yourself for victory. Yes the image strongholds are being destroyed, entrenched ideas that people refused to give up are being rent apart, what replaces it is what you black women of today will decide. Dont waste this opportunity to steer towards the right future and secure it for your daughters and grand daughters!
There is a new army of bw emerging.
Now when I think of it, my blogging, the springing up of women empowernment blogs and messages all around, even the 'turning' of the content of magazines and media to black female prioritising ones, all seems very timely. Who could have known that when we all started out that it was all building up to this point where a 'new-minded' set of black women would be able to position themselves and take advantage of the season of opportunity.
Now let me say this, I see Obama's victory not in terms ushering in anything but a symbolic release for the black person. There will be no handouts, in fact I think handouts will be cut to black folks. But the thing to grasp here is that, symbolic strongholds have and are being destroyed for black women. The stronghold of the image of bw as luckless, unloved, irresponsible, destroyer of civilisations destructions is being dealth a serious blow with the presence of Michelle and her two little ones. When folks try to pigeon hole black women the way they always do, into these category, the idea and oresence of Michelle will wobble that picture. Even the idea of bw not the consort of any powerful man is being destroyed right before our eyes. Now take a moment to think, 'How will I position myself to reap from this fertile period?'
The whole idea of electing the son of a Kenyan, black and with a name like Hussein and Obama as President of the United State, means more than folks can even begin to understand and we on the ouside of it all, have been watching keenly, hoping and praying that America will show itself of the supreme moral fibre to do something which no other western country (despite their claims of open mindedness and fairness and all that stuff), has.
The symbolism is awesome,
The symbolism is awesome
This is a time when we can role back the evils of the past symbolically. Remember I say symbolically. But symbolically is enough for those who have positioned themselves to advance. Those who want to ride some gravy trains will be in trouble.
I have republican readers and I want to say that Mccain was admirable. His concession speech had me tearing up with how eloquent and succint it was. It just wasnt I believe, the season for republicans (the fundamentals just didnt favour it). However as sure as seasons change, Republicans time will come round. My prayer is that we will see the birth of a new republican party that does not major on fear and division and stiring up the coarser instincts in us all. Mccain was and still is a worthy opponent (not too sure about all that stuff with Palin though).
Black women savor this moment.
I just want to say to bw, its time to position yourself for the opportunity change brings.
I will be speaking to you about strategies for positioning yourself for victory. Yes the image strongholds are being destroyed, entrenched ideas that people refused to give up are being rent apart, what replaces it is what you black women of today will decide. Dont waste this opportunity to steer towards the right future and secure it for your daughters and grand daughters!
There is a new army of bw emerging.
Now when I think of it, my blogging, the springing up of women empowernment blogs and messages all around, even the 'turning' of the content of magazines and media to black female prioritising ones, all seems very timely. Who could have known that when we all started out that it was all building up to this point where a 'new-minded' set of black women would be able to position themselves and take advantage of the season of opportunity.
Now let me say this, I see Obama's victory not in terms ushering in anything but a symbolic release for the black person. There will be no handouts, in fact I think handouts will be cut to black folks. But the thing to grasp here is that, symbolic strongholds have and are being destroyed for black women. The stronghold of the image of bw as luckless, unloved, irresponsible, destroyer of civilisations destructions is being dealth a serious blow with the presence of Michelle and her two little ones. When folks try to pigeon hole black women the way they always do, into these category, the idea and oresence of Michelle will wobble that picture. Even the idea of bw not the consort of any powerful man is being destroyed right before our eyes. Now take a moment to think, 'How will I position myself to reap from this fertile period?'
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