Black, Woman and Winning!: July 2013

Your Letters Contd

...From Question on Previous Post

No one knows for sure why they get rejected in many instances.

Iman and David Bowie (such a beautiful couple)

For some of the things a person is rejected for, it might be a good idea in the long run and in terms of personal development and being the best you can be, to change whatever it is. For instance if you are rude and abrupt and this came out during a date, you can and should adjust this attitude. In other cases it's just the taste of the person sitting opposite you (or scanning your picture etc) and you should not bother over-thinking it and trying to adjust to whatever it is. For instance if you are a tall woman and a man wants a woman under 5'5, then there is absolutely nothing you can do about that.

And to make it more complicated, sometimes you could be nigh on 'perfect' but the person sitting across from you is in a head space that will prevent them from taking up the opportunity to be with such a wonderful match to them. I know a case where the woman was more or less a perfect match and the man admitted it. She was polished, upbeat and pleasant, easy on the eyes etc etc. The man in this case admitted that now that they had met he realized that he just was not ready to settle down/commit even though he thought he was. Indeed the reality only crystallized for him when he saw the perfect woman sitting opposite him and then he realized he just couldn’t take the jump.

I have seen (and experienced) this situation time and again and so no one should beat themselves up about being rejected as long as you have done the nest you can and no don't beat yourself up because there are still bits and pieces you have to work on.

This is why you need to keep going and going and going. Finding a partner especially as you advance in age is almost like finding a job. When you are turned down you must not or cannot just give up and say, 'I have been rejected for 20 jobs, so I wont work...' I don’t know if anyone ever sees it like that, in fact people might disconnect from the whole job search process form time to time but ultimately they pick up heart again and start to look and to eventually find where they fit in job wise, because really not working is just not an option for the average person, there is no way around this.

The job employers (like a man or woman in the dating market) might be looking for someone younger (which you cannot do anything about), they may be spoilt for choice (like in a recession), and want a worker who combines multiple job roles (now you may or may not consider this trend and seek to improve your resume with regards this reality). You can get so much help by signing up to agencies as you well know (the parallel in the dating market is a match maker). Ultimately as a woman you need to switch off emotions and make the process as dispassionate as possible to yourself so you are 'processing' scores of men for their suitability as well as they are being processed in or out naturally for their willingness and openness to be in a relationship with you. It is indeed one of the quandaries of life that people often say they want something e.g a relationship but in reality and from their actions the truth is they are not ready or are not serious or are not open to any particular person.

I believe black women would go far if they just took their heart and feelings out of the process of finding a partner and reintroduced their feelings at the point where there are signs that the connection is going somewhere instead of getting 'heart' involved from the beginning before even meeting a man so that a single negative action from a man sends

them into a tailspin and TKOs them from the dating market for months and even years before they recover!

Pray to come into a ‘prepared’ place

If you are a person of faith or who believes in divine order or a higher power/God, like I do, I would suggest that you pray to be favored or to come into a prepared land, so to speak.

A while ago I went through a series of job positions where I was 'the first.' And when I say first, I mean that I was the first to challenge one thing or another; the person who broke into the negative culture or situation first and as a result I had a sore head! After me the boss or the organisation realized they shouldn’t do A, B, or C or they should put in place X, Y, Z. When I got another job offer after those other trying roles, I remember asking God to insure that someone had gone before me to clear the way as I had done for others in those other jobs where I had to battle management or battle for a general change in the work culture. The first day I arrived the person who was showing me round commented that 'we are trying to be more friendly to new comers because someone who worked here before said we were not really friendly'. It was the sign I was looking for to confirm that someone had passed through and ironed out the wrinkles and hiccups that would have caused me to have a not too pleasant work experience!

Now how does this relate to dating and relationships? Well sometimes a man has to go through some experiences so that he becomes prepared and open to what comes next. Some men have to be disappointed with a certain type of woman before he says to himself 'duh big breasts are not everything', or 'race means nothing.' etc etc. Some of us are often the ones who help men along to this life transforming wisdom, and unfortunate we do not get to reap the benefits of his adjusted mentality instead a woman who comes after us then happened upon this well aerated and transformed man!

If you feel that you are such a woman who more or less gets to do the work for others to enjoy, then send up a prayer or two that you will come across a man whose life experience has prepared him (not just another woman but life in general) to be open and fit for a relationship with you.

Halima is on Holiday

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