Your Letters

Dear Halima

I am afraid to put myself out there in the dating market, I am a shy person that is true however my biggest fear is that I will get rejected by white men. As a young woman I have always noted white men looking at me and then they look away when my eyes meet theirs. I think there could be attraction there but I don’t think they allow themselves to find us attractive and this is the number one hindrance to us coming together. But am I imagining things?

Richard Gere and Diana Ross hit the dance floor



Let me first address the issue of white men not allowing themselves to find black women attractive. There is a lot of truth in that observation. There is the belief that people just get overwhelmed by their feelings of attractions, that it just overrides their resistance. I think this idea comes straight out of Mills and Boons! Most people fall in love over a time and after an initial attraction (which is the start point). It means then that if a man feels an attraction but doesn’t allow himself to go down that route the relationship that would have been will not be.

One key thing to realize about white masculinity (yes we can analyze white masculinity just as we can black womanhood) is that it is rewarded and privileged for sure but it is only rewarded when white male actions fall within the acceptable range of behavior marked out by wider interest-forces! Most of us are of the impression that white male privilege is unlimited and unrestricted, that white men can go anywhere and do anything. This is a myth. White men have privilege and domination as long as they act and behave in the way that is acceptable for the white male to behave.

I believe one of the reasons why there is such a deep attraction to Rap music among white males is that it allows them to live the hyper- masculine dream vicariously. They are attracted to the rap thug because they recognize that they are not allowed to express such dominating and unfettered masculinity, the ones they see black rapper males indulge in, without severe sanctions to themselves, especially their ability to earn a living. It has become even worse in the current gender political state and the rise of a very aggressive thuggish strain of feminism that requires the very debasement of the white male before it is appeased. Many white males are actually giving in to the demand to self flagellate, identify masculinity and maleness as evil and the root of all that is wrong with the world and even to go as far as self loathing because this is the only way they can be admitted into certain circles or even secure their jobs (for instance tenure in many universities in America that have become open to only people of certain ideological persuasions) in many institutions in the West.

Coming back to the issue of white males and attraction to black women, you can be sure that many men have a moment hesitation and ask, how will this affect my ability to earn a living. Even if these men are free to pursue black women without any repercussion (because society has moved on for instance), it is the perception of this 'being one of the things that might hinder me' that becomes the reality that holds them back.

When some white men see an attractive black or other woman, they can respond to her physically but they also are aware on some level of how easily pursuing such a path could loose them their privileges and social endorsements. It might not be true that they will come under sanction as I have said, however many do not want to test out their fears!

Things are changing and white men are also acting independently of ‘endorsed’ notions of behavior in addition some white men work for themselves or work in ways that allows them to have freer choices than what is expected of them. The passing years also brings maturity, independence and maybe a stronger backbone to many of these men, others have to go through life to eventually figure out what is really important thus we expect and often see an increase in white men who are seeking or open to black women now in the ages over 35 (the restructure of the society we live in and the loosening of social taboos also means the younger ones are now also freer to make choices that those one generation up feared to make).

One of the reasons why I encourage black women to be out there in the dating market place is that by the sheer logic of numbers she will eventually find that white or other man who combines a willingness to date out with an attraction to black women and maybe the right social and economic situations or independence of mind that will allow him to pursue that option. Shyness might just be making it hard for you to build up the numbers from which you would logically expect to find a couple of white (and other) men of this mindset.

Follow up question 7th July

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Reconstructing your femininity

It took me working in a school environment in rural England last year to understand how damaged black femininity can be from an early age.

 

The fact of the matter is that black women do not come under any sort of social protection so the only way older people have found to 'protect' black women is to clamp down on that aspect of black womanhood that would expose them to predatory males and this happens from an early age. In some cultures we hear of Breast ironing  which is essentially a means of removing a female characteristic that is seen to draw the attention of males with its attendant ramifications for the girl in question. Well something similar happens with blossoming young womanhood in black spaces in the West. Adults in very crude fashion, refuse girls their normal and natural female responses or self expressions so they dont become the target for predatory males. These adults may 'mean well' but the result is stifled expression of femininity, anxiety about aspects of being female, inability to respond with a carefree attitude to being a woman and being sought out for the functions of femaleness in society, and a general fraught attitude to those things that distinguish one as a woman.

Inability to connect freely with others

This whole issue of having a fraught relationship with ones femininity and being in a state of anxiety and tension with your very femaleness was highlighted to me one day while quick walking to the nearest train station to take me out of the area back into London. I fell into step with a Norwegian college student who proceeded to chit chat with me about everything and anything. Let me mention here, I was blown away by how naturally and freely she said hi and began to talk with me a stranger, confident, that I would respond and engage with her in a genuine and pleasant fashion. I wondered then, what kind of protective and caring environment would one have grown up in, that would enable them stretch out their hands to their society unflinchingly, and with every expectation of a positive and optimistic response. How often do I see young black girls peering at me from behind a book or etc, not having the 'freedom' and courage to strike up a conversation. It makes me feel sad that I am alienated from these young ladies.

Watching this young pleasant girl freely and unguardedly interact with me made me think on how white masculinity is restrained in such a way that to a great it extent allows white femininity to blossom, while on the other hand, unfettered and marauding masculinity is allowed in black spaces which means black femininity can often contract inwards. In fact anything less than marauding masculinity in black males is seen as a sign that 'the man' has neutered him! Am I saying that there are no wayward white boys causing damage to young women? No, but in white environments there is 'control' exerted on men to allow young females to be and do what young females do without damage.

Braggadocios femininity 'I can do it like a dude'

The likes of Jessie J tell us they can 'do it like a dude' and they go on to win accolades from the music industry. In fact a white girl mimicking 'rude gyals' from Jamaica is the surest route to fame these days, maybe because it contrasts so much with the category in which the white female is placed. But lets be sure about this, these women are being rewarded for their 'act'. Let's also not forget that white females are a protected specie and they can perform 'she-malism' without it tainting their femininity … yet!

Nothing is more off putting to me than brash young ladies, shouting and cursing and being harsh and unkind with each other. In our turned upside down society it seems that being harsh with friends and calling them unkind names in the full hearing of the public is suppose to endear you to them! 

Inability to flirt?

If you cannot engage with men on a level of flirting or if you feel anxious or afraid to be a woman with an interested man, then it might be that your femininity has been damaged. Some of us remember flirting with boys innocently only to have an elder, a big sister or parent twist our ear or make us feel that we had done the worst thing possible. Indeed we had committed a sordid act for which we should be ashamed. Often the feelings of 'wrongness' of flirting with men will always be lurking in the background for us and will possibly require 'therapy' and healing of some sort in many cases. But you know the funny thing, years later the same parents or elders that scarred you and damaged your natural reactions to men will be the ones to ask why you haven’t 'found a man' or settled down yet!

It took me being in a classroom where girls oozed girlishness without being crushed, slapped down or made to feel dirty to realize just how much damage is done to young black girls as soon as they exhibit behavior which is just natural for them as blossoming young women.

Next blog post available from 22 June

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

 

 

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon

 

 

 




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon