In my last entry I wrote that 'women are supposed to be treated more delicately than men'. For me that sentence underscored all I was trying to say in that post, that you dont lay the same burden on the back of women as you lay on men. Now some folks had a huge problem with this idea! It just didnt sit right with them, to them, 'Black women ought to take half, I mean its only logical and fair'!
But isnt it amazing, that even white women, who have -because of the nature of their communities and how gender and race work in society- greater agency and have taken greater strides towards equality etc will never argue to share blame for social ills with men. Lol that will be a cold day in hell!
There is an African proverb I have come across which says that when you treat a child the way you treat his peers, he is happy. I think black women need to hold tight to the sentiment of being treated similar to anyone else because there is a lot of deliberate attempts at 'confusing the compass' of black women, that one neat way black women can orient themselves is to look at what pertains to other women and recognize when folks are trying to sell them a bad deal. See black women are supposed to be out there 'blazing trails' in terms of reaching feminist milestones, however we have regonized that what black women end up having are actually the counterfeits of the real deal. What white feminists see as black women being independent is actually black women being left to shoulder all the burden, what they see as black women finally reaching that grand achievement of not 'needing a man' is actually black women being targetted for social rejection.
So for now, I think black women should aim for what other women are having and getting and maybe sometime in the future when the conditions are safe, black women can live out of step with the rest of society/womanhood.
What I have noticed is that because black women are so used to bearing all the burden, carrying all the responsbility and taking all the blame, at this point, many are so happy to take 50% of it for a change lol! Black women are saying, 'I am so happy to go halves on the blame here!'
I dont care what they do and how they act, white women never volunteer for half the blame, men are always still to blame for the bulk of social problems or had more to do with the way the situation turned out etc etc. Half the gain? yes they'll take that, but half the blame? no, never! Thank God for them because if it was left for black women to set the standards, I can see all sorts of bad deals for women in terms of child support, rape laws etc etc.
The 'negotiators' have really done their work on black women!
A lot of black women continue to be trapped by their need to be the better person, to play fair and carry an equal load. Many are convinced that spliting things straight down the middle is the way to do it, they dont take into consideration other factors for instance the 'agency' of the parties involved in a racist and sexist, society that would make a 30/70 split actually more equitable.
Often unbalanced contracts are sold to black women under the guise of 'its fair' (and many folks know and capitalize on black women's need to play according to the rules and employ moral rectitude as a guding principle).
Do black women realize that splitting things down the middle isnt always the way to guarantee a fair and balanced deal especially when other things are at play?
Re cooperating with a system set againt you
I was talking with someone the other day who made it a point to tell me that black women ought to be able to act as they want to, and feel as free to be whoever they so desire in public and out of it. This person insisted that black women's 'right to be' should not be impinged on or constrained because of the unfair burden of having to be ambassadors for black people/women. They were adamant that whites hold stereotpyes against all black folk unfairly anyway. This was in response to my entry about black women cooperating with a system set against them.
My response to black women who think this way is;
1) Black women do not live in a vacuum, we live in a specific reality. It is what it is!
2) We need to create the best life possible for us within the prevailing conditions even as we either hope for, or plot for 'better conditions' for us or for those young black women coming after us.
Indeed why would anyone want to cooperate with a system that has set a low value on them and wants to ensure they are trapped in lack and less and all the low status positions in society? If society says that black women are 'neck rolling' and 'loud', how does behaving along to these stereotypes help black women especially as society will justify giving black women 'less.' Also what is the attraction in behaving uncouth and surely meeting my goals and ambitions is much more important than proving any point that society needs to let us be free to be that way? The way I see it, the idea in this case, should be to thwart societies 'ambitions' for us? Would it not be extremely satisfying to employ strategies that put societies plans for us to nought?
Ok so black women have the added responbility of evading the traps of society and even the burden of being 'ambassador for race' etc etc but I would rather bear the burden of a 'thwarter' of societies evil plans for black women, (it would give me seceret pleasure) than the burden of being a victim of the system just to prove a point.
Our freedoms are impinged upon everyday, it is nothing new. Take for instance you have a lovely rolex watch. It is your right to wear it it anywhere you want, but how many of you would insist on that 'right' to the point you feel you must wear it in an area where there have been daily muggings! Most of us would be happy to be reasonable about this scenerio but curiously want to insist on our right to behave in ways that stigmatize us in broader society.
Each day you dress up and walk out of your door, you, to a good extent, are in a new role and not your 'real' self if we can put it that way. We all adjust and perform in public, it is not limited to black people. Yes there are a few more dimensions to how black people perform their public role if not anything, to accrue the resources they need to make more of their real selves.
Again life is not fair, the actions of other black women should not be used against us even as the actions of certain types of white women are not used against the rest, however this is how the formular is applied in the case of black women. How will you deal with this reality to give yourself the breaks you need?
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
Posted by Halima at 1:38 PM 33 comments Links to this post
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Black Women can do no Wrong! (CONTD)
When I was growing up, we had occassion to sing the song, ‘Girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice’. I remember that at some point in the song, I would have a small prick of conscience that it was all too unfair to boys, they being made of slugs and snakes and puppy dog tails.
But the overall feeling I always got from that ditty was that women where precious and to be ‘preserved’ and protected as a way of preserving the good in society.
Years later I read another book that again built another layer on my impression that a double standard favouring women as virtuous and due preservation was in operation in the wider community. The book’s name escapes me but it was about a poor author who makes a deal with the devil to get his book published. Anyway I must have been in my early teens when I read it so as you can imagine, I have little recollection of the whole book, but one particular passage stuck with me all these years. At a point in the book, the devil/satan, reveals himself and takes this author on a trip to hell. I remember that in all the horror that he saw and the people he knew in there, he kept saying that his highest fear was to see the loveliness of his mother there in hell!
Hell is not a place I would wish for my worst enemy, and I for sure wouldn’t want my father, mother, sister and brother to be in there, but this man was struck with terror that he would happen upon his mother there, he wasn’t too bothered about anyone else!
For a society that thinks in binary, it makes sense to anchor goodness with women. Yes there is something to be said for anchoring ‘goodness’ with women (and even though it has apparently become a burden that white women struggle to throw off, think about would have been their lot if there wasn’t this general view operating that women are good and sent down by God to grace the earth).
In Law and Order, the perp is assumed to be male until forensic science confirms otherwise and then there is the whole shock in the faces of the team that a woman 'could do such a thing'!
To protect women and lift them up as paragons of virtue and to be willing to step in to deflect any accusation of wrong doing. To save women and children and let men fend for themselves as in the Titanic, I believe these are the actions and activities of civilisations and cultures that are self-preserving and sensible.
Contrast it with what happens within the black community
Black folks want and demand that black women share blame 50/50 if not 80/20. This is such a standard protocol that in any discussion or discourse focussed on men, there must be the compulsory throwing in of ‘something to blame the women for,’ as if the analysis isn’t quite complete or is ‘off’ if somehow something is not blamed on black women (whatever we can drag in to fulfil that requirement). Every analysis of blame, have you noticed, finds its way back to 'single mothers' and cannot seem to imagine any step beyond that!
Other groups know the necessity of treating their womenfolk with sensitivity, great care and stepping in to deflect criticism from them, so they don’t crush their female psyches, their ability to be nurturing, kind, open and caring. Yes I do believe that this is done to preserve women as the caring, mothering, patient and kind part of humanity a role without which society would disintegrate. Do you think these folks don’t realize that women can be just as brutal and get up to mischief as the men? They do, but they have reasons to give women a benefit of doubt to safeguard them from anything that will harden their disposition and make them less of nurturers of society.
I believe one of the reasons why white society (read: white men) come down hard on men who mistreat women is because they don’t want women to become closed to them and to male advances in egenral. Indeed imagine a society where women are repeatedly and openly brutalized by men without any deterrent? Do you think those women would not become hardened towards and rejecting of men in general. It is only the BC that thinks men can target women with their hostility and harassment and yet women should somehow magically have the ability to shake it all of and suffer no loss of openness towards men, still giving them a benefit of a doubt over and over. It is only the BC that judges women *&&%chs for closing off to the men who victimize them repeatedly.
Most sensible cultures move to protect their women from full blame and full chastisement to prevent them from becoming bitter and developing a hardness to them (note I said sensible cultures). They realize that the emotional health of the community is tied to its women folk and their disposition, even the image of the community is protected when the image of its women is guarded. This, in addition to the fact that women have less agency is why there is a whole lot of rationalization when women get up to no good.
Think about it for a second. Many of us roll our eyes when white female criminals etc are cast as misguided or women who have fallen into the wrong crowd (their evil instincts have come from elsewhere). Conditions like ‘Stockholm’ syndrome are pulled in quickly to account for their activities (imagine black women being the test case for Stockholm syndrome, lol that one would be laughed out of court)
The ‘black community,’ wants black women to have the full barrel of untempered blame and criticism. They want black women to stand side by side black men and take a full barrel of blame and criticism even in clear cases when black women are doing more than their fair share and shouldering more responsbility. They the BC want women to take an equal lash with men. There is absolutely not even the slightest feeling that maybe or somehow black women should be spared the full brunt of it given that they are women...
Continued
Women are not supposed to get a full barage of criticism, they are not men!
Women are supposed to be treated more delicately than men. The fact that some folks are having a hard time with this idea shows the level of the problem in the so called Black community!
Indeed it is even more the case in the black community that black women should get no where near 30% of any criticism and blame since they, unlike other women are pitching in more than their fair share to keep the so called community going.
There used to be times when sense reigned, when people would say, 'Dont put too much on her she is a woman/female', and we all understood this to be the right and proper way to treat a female. These days folks are happy to lay on a disproportionate burden on black women, physical and otherwise and nothing tells them this is perverse.
One of the comments I have just receieved to this post from an anonymous comentor says that the expectation is that black women bear 50% of the blame. the commentor says this as if this is somehow right!
You see it is because the black community is in error state that it seems right to make women take on 50% of blame and responsbility. No other thriving and sensible community has this requirement. Essentially this commenter has proved my point. And she is not alone. The vast majority of black people even those who are in line with 'BWE' thinking actually feel in their emotions that women should share the blame 50 50 when the two parties are involved in the situation.
But you see, other sensible communtities realize that women have less agency than men in shaping the way things are or things turn out, and they take this into consideration when assigning blame and responsbility for any state of affairs.
Listen to any black person speak and you would think black women have more agency than black men in a sexist and partriachial society! Thats black logic for you!
I am here to correct that record and say that it is the perverse thinking in the black community that makes it seem that black women have more control and agency than black men in a racist sexist society to shape the current situation.
One clear example is that it is black men who have shaped the situation for violence in their communtities. Rape, DV, gang banging, Drugs etc are largely the result of the dirrect actions and efforts of black men, with the black woman left to contend with the resulting situation.
Black women are simply working with the hand they are dealt more so than black men in a society where sexism and racism are realities. DO NOT GET IT WRONG.
Many black women have deep down indoctrinated feelings that somehow they are responsbile for the way things turn out in the 'BC'. The BC has coached them well, thats why bw always respond readily to blame and responsibility. They have been bombareded with the message that something they have or have not done has created the situation they see around them. And unless black women shake off this sense of guilt, they will continue to jump to any charge of wrong doing and more responsibility to sort the situation out, despite having less agency in society because of the impact of racism and sexism.
There is also the sentiment that black women can somehow control black men's actions. Many folks are acting like we are still in the situation where black women can ask black men to be accountable and it will be so. But let me point out to you that the conditions under which black women could demand one thing or the other, no longer exists. The situation as it stands is being misintepreted as 'bw failure to demand certain standards and accountability and etc from black men', when the reality is that it has long since moved to being one of black women having no ways of enforcing right action in black men.
This is because black men are acting outside the structures of community and there are therefore no ways to enforce 'good behaviour', so to say.
Black women do not have any holds and leverages over black men, thanks to a community that has progressively destroyed this ability by coddling and spoiling a generation of men who are a law unto themselves, who do as they please and can no longer be appealed to by authority, community obligation, the black church, morality and what have you.
I hear someone say, 'Black women should just stop being with these men' or 'women witholding sex can tame men'. Well first and formost, black women are not allowed to have an alternative to black men to make this an approach that can be enforceable and thus a realistic one, in additon and as Evia has explained in one of her recent posts, black women have never been socialized to reject any black man be they a drug pusher, pimp, ex-con etc despite all that 'talk' about how black women should leave thugs and bad boys alone. You will find abundant black norms and injunctions that instruct tacitly or otherwise, black women to keep dealing with these men despite the contrary talk and cries of 'she should have not been with him', when things go badly wrong. Indeed, the whole ideology of black men being 'our brothers' is one of the strong overarching philosophies existing in the black though system that pushes the notion that black women find a way to keep dealing with these men!
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
But the overall feeling I always got from that ditty was that women where precious and to be ‘preserved’ and protected as a way of preserving the good in society.
Years later I read another book that again built another layer on my impression that a double standard favouring women as virtuous and due preservation was in operation in the wider community. The book’s name escapes me but it was about a poor author who makes a deal with the devil to get his book published. Anyway I must have been in my early teens when I read it so as you can imagine, I have little recollection of the whole book, but one particular passage stuck with me all these years. At a point in the book, the devil/satan, reveals himself and takes this author on a trip to hell. I remember that in all the horror that he saw and the people he knew in there, he kept saying that his highest fear was to see the loveliness of his mother there in hell!
Hell is not a place I would wish for my worst enemy, and I for sure wouldn’t want my father, mother, sister and brother to be in there, but this man was struck with terror that he would happen upon his mother there, he wasn’t too bothered about anyone else!
For a society that thinks in binary, it makes sense to anchor goodness with women. Yes there is something to be said for anchoring ‘goodness’ with women (and even though it has apparently become a burden that white women struggle to throw off, think about would have been their lot if there wasn’t this general view operating that women are good and sent down by God to grace the earth).
In Law and Order, the perp is assumed to be male until forensic science confirms otherwise and then there is the whole shock in the faces of the team that a woman 'could do such a thing'!
To protect women and lift them up as paragons of virtue and to be willing to step in to deflect any accusation of wrong doing. To save women and children and let men fend for themselves as in the Titanic, I believe these are the actions and activities of civilisations and cultures that are self-preserving and sensible.
Contrast it with what happens within the black community
Black folks want and demand that black women share blame 50/50 if not 80/20. This is such a standard protocol that in any discussion or discourse focussed on men, there must be the compulsory throwing in of ‘something to blame the women for,’ as if the analysis isn’t quite complete or is ‘off’ if somehow something is not blamed on black women (whatever we can drag in to fulfil that requirement). Every analysis of blame, have you noticed, finds its way back to 'single mothers' and cannot seem to imagine any step beyond that!
Other groups know the necessity of treating their womenfolk with sensitivity, great care and stepping in to deflect criticism from them, so they don’t crush their female psyches, their ability to be nurturing, kind, open and caring. Yes I do believe that this is done to preserve women as the caring, mothering, patient and kind part of humanity a role without which society would disintegrate. Do you think these folks don’t realize that women can be just as brutal and get up to mischief as the men? They do, but they have reasons to give women a benefit of doubt to safeguard them from anything that will harden their disposition and make them less of nurturers of society.
I believe one of the reasons why white society (read: white men) come down hard on men who mistreat women is because they don’t want women to become closed to them and to male advances in egenral. Indeed imagine a society where women are repeatedly and openly brutalized by men without any deterrent? Do you think those women would not become hardened towards and rejecting of men in general. It is only the BC that thinks men can target women with their hostility and harassment and yet women should somehow magically have the ability to shake it all of and suffer no loss of openness towards men, still giving them a benefit of a doubt over and over. It is only the BC that judges women *&&%chs for closing off to the men who victimize them repeatedly.
Most sensible cultures move to protect their women from full blame and full chastisement to prevent them from becoming bitter and developing a hardness to them (note I said sensible cultures). They realize that the emotional health of the community is tied to its women folk and their disposition, even the image of the community is protected when the image of its women is guarded. This, in addition to the fact that women have less agency is why there is a whole lot of rationalization when women get up to no good.
Think about it for a second. Many of us roll our eyes when white female criminals etc are cast as misguided or women who have fallen into the wrong crowd (their evil instincts have come from elsewhere). Conditions like ‘Stockholm’ syndrome are pulled in quickly to account for their activities (imagine black women being the test case for Stockholm syndrome, lol that one would be laughed out of court)
The ‘black community,’ wants black women to have the full barrel of untempered blame and criticism. They want black women to stand side by side black men and take a full barrel of blame and criticism even in clear cases when black women are doing more than their fair share and shouldering more responsbility. They the BC want women to take an equal lash with men. There is absolutely not even the slightest feeling that maybe or somehow black women should be spared the full brunt of it given that they are women...
Continued
Women are not supposed to get a full barage of criticism, they are not men!
Women are supposed to be treated more delicately than men. The fact that some folks are having a hard time with this idea shows the level of the problem in the so called Black community!
Indeed it is even more the case in the black community that black women should get no where near 30% of any criticism and blame since they, unlike other women are pitching in more than their fair share to keep the so called community going.
There used to be times when sense reigned, when people would say, 'Dont put too much on her she is a woman/female', and we all understood this to be the right and proper way to treat a female. These days folks are happy to lay on a disproportionate burden on black women, physical and otherwise and nothing tells them this is perverse.
One of the comments I have just receieved to this post from an anonymous comentor says that the expectation is that black women bear 50% of the blame. the commentor says this as if this is somehow right!
You see it is because the black community is in error state that it seems right to make women take on 50% of blame and responsbility. No other thriving and sensible community has this requirement. Essentially this commenter has proved my point. And she is not alone. The vast majority of black people even those who are in line with 'BWE' thinking actually feel in their emotions that women should share the blame 50 50 when the two parties are involved in the situation.
But you see, other sensible communtities realize that women have less agency than men in shaping the way things are or things turn out, and they take this into consideration when assigning blame and responsbility for any state of affairs.
Listen to any black person speak and you would think black women have more agency than black men in a sexist and partriachial society! Thats black logic for you!
I am here to correct that record and say that it is the perverse thinking in the black community that makes it seem that black women have more control and agency than black men in a racist sexist society to shape the current situation.
One clear example is that it is black men who have shaped the situation for violence in their communtities. Rape, DV, gang banging, Drugs etc are largely the result of the dirrect actions and efforts of black men, with the black woman left to contend with the resulting situation.
Black women are simply working with the hand they are dealt more so than black men in a society where sexism and racism are realities. DO NOT GET IT WRONG.
Many black women have deep down indoctrinated feelings that somehow they are responsbile for the way things turn out in the 'BC'. The BC has coached them well, thats why bw always respond readily to blame and responsibility. They have been bombareded with the message that something they have or have not done has created the situation they see around them. And unless black women shake off this sense of guilt, they will continue to jump to any charge of wrong doing and more responsibility to sort the situation out, despite having less agency in society because of the impact of racism and sexism.
There is also the sentiment that black women can somehow control black men's actions. Many folks are acting like we are still in the situation where black women can ask black men to be accountable and it will be so. But let me point out to you that the conditions under which black women could demand one thing or the other, no longer exists. The situation as it stands is being misintepreted as 'bw failure to demand certain standards and accountability and etc from black men', when the reality is that it has long since moved to being one of black women having no ways of enforcing right action in black men.
This is because black men are acting outside the structures of community and there are therefore no ways to enforce 'good behaviour', so to say.
Black women do not have any holds and leverages over black men, thanks to a community that has progressively destroyed this ability by coddling and spoiling a generation of men who are a law unto themselves, who do as they please and can no longer be appealed to by authority, community obligation, the black church, morality and what have you.
I hear someone say, 'Black women should just stop being with these men' or 'women witholding sex can tame men'. Well first and formost, black women are not allowed to have an alternative to black men to make this an approach that can be enforceable and thus a realistic one, in additon and as Evia has explained in one of her recent posts, black women have never been socialized to reject any black man be they a drug pusher, pimp, ex-con etc despite all that 'talk' about how black women should leave thugs and bad boys alone. You will find abundant black norms and injunctions that instruct tacitly or otherwise, black women to keep dealing with these men despite the contrary talk and cries of 'she should have not been with him', when things go badly wrong. Indeed, the whole ideology of black men being 'our brothers' is one of the strong overarching philosophies existing in the black though system that pushes the notion that black women find a way to keep dealing with these men!
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
There is a writer I duff my cap to; Alienated Conclusions
My heart is thoroughly warmed when I see indepth and on point analysis like the following especially from someone so young:
1. Black women and girls have the basic right, clearly accessible/demanded by other women to feel safe in the neighborhood they live in by the immediate removal of criminals and other delinquents who greatly decrease the likelihood of safety for black women in particular.
2. Black women and girls have the basic right to be feminine, to appear feminine, and to dress feminine without being considered a threat to white women's "feminine supremacy", or being brutally harassed to remind us that we "are not like other women", and that we should be treated/have access to less than, because of our skin color.
3. Black women and girls have the right to exercise the same standards other women in society exercise without being called "sellouts" for not subjecting themselves to financial/and or sexual exploitation.
4. Black women and girls have the right to say whatever needs to be said until conditions in their communities and direct vicinity improve, including being honest about the circumstances and attitudes within them without fear of being called "traitors" for their honesty.
5. Black women and girls have the right to expose the belief that it is their responsibility to protect, defend, provide for, and uphold the honor of men who go through great lengths to make sure that black women are NOT protected, that they are NOT defended, that they ARE NOT considered worthy of honor, and that they SHOULD NOT be provided for. Black women and girls have the right to acknowledge that this role reversal that exists in black communities has not been acceptable in any other society on the planet regardless of these societies racial and class based circumstances.
6. Black women and girls have the right to love, to be loved, to be treated as human beings effortlessly.
7. Black women and girls have the right to expose the hypocrisy that only includes them in "diversity" if they are used as props to make others feel superior and are an immediate threat when they are not.
8. Black women and girls have the right to expose the hypocrisy that liberal and progressives take on to be starch racists against black women because they think it's harder for black women to prove it.
9. Black women have the right to expose the sabotage of racist white women who view them as a threat through manipulation, cattiness, and other behaviors camouflaged in a sugary sweet fake persona, particularly in the workforce.
10. Black women and girls have the basic right to expose the lie that black female bodies are inherently for being devalued, and therefore, says our bodies are too "trashy" and "demanding attention" when we dress in the typical way other women are allowed to dress.
To have such insight and be able to articulate and analyse the black female situation with such accuracy giving the pushes and pulls of the myriads of other inetersts and discourses that shout 'Me first' and elbow black women's interests out of the way because it clashes with their priviledges, is indeed a rare gift and one I came into well into my adult years.
With the likes of these coming up, I might be able to retire to my farm soon!
Please could you visit her blog and give due encouragement to Alienated at Alienated Conclusions
Keep It Up Alienated!
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
1. Black women and girls have the basic right, clearly accessible/demanded by other women to feel safe in the neighborhood they live in by the immediate removal of criminals and other delinquents who greatly decrease the likelihood of safety for black women in particular.
2. Black women and girls have the basic right to be feminine, to appear feminine, and to dress feminine without being considered a threat to white women's "feminine supremacy", or being brutally harassed to remind us that we "are not like other women", and that we should be treated/have access to less than, because of our skin color.
3. Black women and girls have the right to exercise the same standards other women in society exercise without being called "sellouts" for not subjecting themselves to financial/and or sexual exploitation.
4. Black women and girls have the right to say whatever needs to be said until conditions in their communities and direct vicinity improve, including being honest about the circumstances and attitudes within them without fear of being called "traitors" for their honesty.
5. Black women and girls have the right to expose the belief that it is their responsibility to protect, defend, provide for, and uphold the honor of men who go through great lengths to make sure that black women are NOT protected, that they are NOT defended, that they ARE NOT considered worthy of honor, and that they SHOULD NOT be provided for. Black women and girls have the right to acknowledge that this role reversal that exists in black communities has not been acceptable in any other society on the planet regardless of these societies racial and class based circumstances.
6. Black women and girls have the right to love, to be loved, to be treated as human beings effortlessly.
7. Black women and girls have the right to expose the hypocrisy that only includes them in "diversity" if they are used as props to make others feel superior and are an immediate threat when they are not.
8. Black women and girls have the right to expose the hypocrisy that liberal and progressives take on to be starch racists against black women because they think it's harder for black women to prove it.
9. Black women have the right to expose the sabotage of racist white women who view them as a threat through manipulation, cattiness, and other behaviors camouflaged in a sugary sweet fake persona, particularly in the workforce.
10. Black women and girls have the basic right to expose the lie that black female bodies are inherently for being devalued, and therefore, says our bodies are too "trashy" and "demanding attention" when we dress in the typical way other women are allowed to dress.
To have such insight and be able to articulate and analyse the black female situation with such accuracy giving the pushes and pulls of the myriads of other inetersts and discourses that shout 'Me first' and elbow black women's interests out of the way because it clashes with their priviledges, is indeed a rare gift and one I came into well into my adult years.
With the likes of these coming up, I might be able to retire to my farm soon!
Please could you visit her blog and give due encouragement to Alienated at Alienated Conclusions
Keep It Up Alienated!
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
Saturday, April 10, 2010
On black women and their all consuming wishful thinking!
Wishful thinking is the formation of beliefs and making decisions according to what might be pleasing to imagine instead of by appealing to evidence, rationality or reality -wikipedia
This definition nails completely how many black women look at the black situation and their hopes around the black community turning around and black men straightening up. Very little track records exists for many of the beliefs that black women cling to around the black community. But black women want so much to believe in things that are really ‘unevidenced’ that they will be willing to bet the shirts off their backs and very often they do end up having to forfeit their shirts. There is a difference between ‘what I want to believe about a situation,’ and ‘what the situation clearly is.’ Many black women conflate the two and pay a high price.
The process for black women is something akin to this:
'I would so want black people to care for and protect each another, when this happens it will be so marvellous and lovely, oh what bliss.’ I am now going to buy a house in …. ( a black area were there are violent killings every week). This black woman is being carried along by her sweet dreams of how she wants the community to be and she imposes that on how it really is, to live out her fantasy of the warmth and brotherhood of black people!
'I would like it to be so, and it is so, and I stake my house on it!'
Something slightly related here, I was speaking to a friend a few weeks ago who had used her hard earned money to create a product she felt was what the black community needed (note that it was something she felt the community needed or should sign up to, not what they were indicating they would support). Anyway, no surprises she was struggling to make sales. I was really unnerved because this woman has a higher degree and had sunk a load of money into this product just because she felt is what the community should be about!
This woman was struggling to make the most basic sales, that I could see that the concept should not even have gotten off the ground not without an additional step at least. Now I know some folks ride on the wave of emotion until they land with a bump, and in this case I am wondering why throughout the long and critical thinking process of product design, reality did not at some point, penetrated into her thinking long enough for her to ask the basic question, ‘Is anyone really interested in actually buying this product or is it just my enthusiams going here?’
There is a difference between what people need to buy and what people often do buy and it appears some black women don’t know this, in their zeal to uplift community (see its all about black community, it’s the stumbling block for far too many black women).
This does not mean that you cannot introduce a new product to the market but if this is the case, your business model must include a unit (the dominant unit if you ask me), of creating awareness, even educating people into the idea of the product.
Folks I have been to so many business meetings etc etc where black women are purely emotionally-driven and creating ‘giving back’ products and the likes, coming up with all sorts of services that you know no one will pay any attention to especially in black folks current state of mind and if they could step off cloud ‘black community, black people, save, etc etc' they would realize it, in fact it would be so obvious. I think another problem here is that black women are not ready to be honest about black folks true nature and true inclinations or they are hoping to be proved wrong when black people respond to these ‘good black products’ as black folk ought to. Many black women throw products out there to actually disprove assertions that black people are not A or B. An aside, a colleague and I were discussing a lightening skin cream ad recently and I told here 'The reason why the Koreans and Asians are succesful with black business is not unrelated to the fact that they are not worried or caught up in the fact that action A or buying product B says something bad about black people, they just sell what there is a demand for! Their level of investment is 'do black folk buy it?'
Anyway something needs to jolt black women into becoming more aware about where they are and within which fields and circumstances they operate.
How black women see their situation
Thank God for BWE eh!
I am being empowered by BWE work, imagine that!
I was listening to a recording of myself from about 7-8 years ago and I cant believe how ‘harsh’ I sounded to my own ears. I believe that I was still very much, ‘in the mind of the community’. This mindset tend to breed a kind of, 'I could careless about how I look beyond black circles and how I come across beyond my close and loving black community' attitude!
Do you remember the the parable of the Shrewd manager in Luke 16 in the Bible. When the manager realised he was going to be sacked and was no longer going to be taken care of by his boss, he smartened up and began to cultivate folks he couldn’t be bothered with because he was being served in his role as manager a position about to be lost!
Luke 16 does indeed make for an interesting read, it also shows self awareness and awareness of who and how you are being served (which I am a bit doubtful black women have arrived at yet re the real situation in their black communities!)
Luke 16
3"The manager said to himself, 'What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I'm not strong enough to dig, and I'm ashamed to beg—
4I know what I'll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.'
5"So he called in each one of his master's debtors. He asked the first, 'How much do you owe my master?'
6" 'Eight hundred gallons of olive oil,' he replied. "The manager told him, 'Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred.'
7"Then he asked the second, 'And how much do you owe?' " 'A thousand bushels of wheat,' he replied. "He told him, 'Take your bill and make it eight hundred.'
The manager realized he had to cultivate his wider circles because his needs where shortly no longer going to be met within his current environment!
He was actually endorsed as wise by his master when his fraudulent actions to shore himself up were discovered because in general, human beings naturally act to self preserve and look after their own situation however they can!
I think for many of us BWE there came a time when we realised we didn’t have the backing of community and it meant repositioning ourselves in a wider context, to be effectual and to reap from wider systems, so out went the old shapeless coat, hair appointments were pencilled in months ahead and the face cap got cosigned to the dustbin, our manner of speech and actions changed to reflect that we were part of the general mill of humanity not some sidestream.
I cant say I regret upping my game at all lol!
Karyn Folans Newest Interview of Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenee-darden/writer-tells-black-women_b_529552.html
Part 2 to the interview is here:
http://cocoafly.blogspot.com/2010/04/part-2-of-karyn-langhorne-folan.html
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
This definition nails completely how many black women look at the black situation and their hopes around the black community turning around and black men straightening up. Very little track records exists for many of the beliefs that black women cling to around the black community. But black women want so much to believe in things that are really ‘unevidenced’ that they will be willing to bet the shirts off their backs and very often they do end up having to forfeit their shirts. There is a difference between ‘what I want to believe about a situation,’ and ‘what the situation clearly is.’ Many black women conflate the two and pay a high price.
The process for black women is something akin to this:
'I would so want black people to care for and protect each another, when this happens it will be so marvellous and lovely, oh what bliss.’ I am now going to buy a house in …. ( a black area were there are violent killings every week). This black woman is being carried along by her sweet dreams of how she wants the community to be and she imposes that on how it really is, to live out her fantasy of the warmth and brotherhood of black people!
'I would like it to be so, and it is so, and I stake my house on it!'
Something slightly related here, I was speaking to a friend a few weeks ago who had used her hard earned money to create a product she felt was what the black community needed (note that it was something she felt the community needed or should sign up to, not what they were indicating they would support). Anyway, no surprises she was struggling to make sales. I was really unnerved because this woman has a higher degree and had sunk a load of money into this product just because she felt is what the community should be about!
This woman was struggling to make the most basic sales, that I could see that the concept should not even have gotten off the ground not without an additional step at least. Now I know some folks ride on the wave of emotion until they land with a bump, and in this case I am wondering why throughout the long and critical thinking process of product design, reality did not at some point, penetrated into her thinking long enough for her to ask the basic question, ‘Is anyone really interested in actually buying this product or is it just my enthusiams going here?’
There is a difference between what people need to buy and what people often do buy and it appears some black women don’t know this, in their zeal to uplift community (see its all about black community, it’s the stumbling block for far too many black women).
This does not mean that you cannot introduce a new product to the market but if this is the case, your business model must include a unit (the dominant unit if you ask me), of creating awareness, even educating people into the idea of the product.
Folks I have been to so many business meetings etc etc where black women are purely emotionally-driven and creating ‘giving back’ products and the likes, coming up with all sorts of services that you know no one will pay any attention to especially in black folks current state of mind and if they could step off cloud ‘black community, black people, save, etc etc' they would realize it, in fact it would be so obvious. I think another problem here is that black women are not ready to be honest about black folks true nature and true inclinations or they are hoping to be proved wrong when black people respond to these ‘good black products’ as black folk ought to. Many black women throw products out there to actually disprove assertions that black people are not A or B. An aside, a colleague and I were discussing a lightening skin cream ad recently and I told here 'The reason why the Koreans and Asians are succesful with black business is not unrelated to the fact that they are not worried or caught up in the fact that action A or buying product B says something bad about black people, they just sell what there is a demand for! Their level of investment is 'do black folk buy it?'
Anyway something needs to jolt black women into becoming more aware about where they are and within which fields and circumstances they operate.
Quote for the day: In the black community, chilvary flows from black women to black men, not the other way round!
How black women see their situation
Thank God for BWE eh!
I am being empowered by BWE work, imagine that!
I was listening to a recording of myself from about 7-8 years ago and I cant believe how ‘harsh’ I sounded to my own ears. I believe that I was still very much, ‘in the mind of the community’. This mindset tend to breed a kind of, 'I could careless about how I look beyond black circles and how I come across beyond my close and loving black community' attitude!
'when can I get back to my real community!'
I will say this, I often see black women dressing, behaving and coming across like women who are thinking, ‘I have a black community behind me anyway, I have people in my corner who cares about y'all beyond my black folks, after all my needs will be meet in my black community so no need to stress myself and be friendly and cultivate other networks, in fact hurry up cause I am bored with you all and when I finish here I am going back to my real community.’ Lol!Do you remember the the parable of the Shrewd manager in Luke 16 in the Bible. When the manager realised he was going to be sacked and was no longer going to be taken care of by his boss, he smartened up and began to cultivate folks he couldn’t be bothered with because he was being served in his role as manager a position about to be lost!
Luke 16 does indeed make for an interesting read, it also shows self awareness and awareness of who and how you are being served (which I am a bit doubtful black women have arrived at yet re the real situation in their black communities!)
Luke 16
3"The manager said to himself, 'What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I'm not strong enough to dig, and I'm ashamed to beg—
4I know what I'll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.'
5"So he called in each one of his master's debtors. He asked the first, 'How much do you owe my master?'
6" 'Eight hundred gallons of olive oil,' he replied. "The manager told him, 'Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred.'
7"Then he asked the second, 'And how much do you owe?' " 'A thousand bushels of wheat,' he replied. "He told him, 'Take your bill and make it eight hundred.'
The manager realized he had to cultivate his wider circles because his needs where shortly no longer going to be met within his current environment!
He was actually endorsed as wise by his master when his fraudulent actions to shore himself up were discovered because in general, human beings naturally act to self preserve and look after their own situation however they can!
I think for many of us BWE there came a time when we realised we didn’t have the backing of community and it meant repositioning ourselves in a wider context, to be effectual and to reap from wider systems, so out went the old shapeless coat, hair appointments were pencilled in months ahead and the face cap got cosigned to the dustbin, our manner of speech and actions changed to reflect that we were part of the general mill of humanity not some sidestream.
I cant say I regret upping my game at all lol!
Karyn Folans Newest Interview of Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenee-darden/writer-tells-black-women_b_529552.html
Part 2 to the interview is here:
http://cocoafly.blogspot.com/2010/04/part-2-of-karyn-langhorne-folan.html
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
Friday, April 02, 2010
The Current Crop of Black Men (Contd!)
There are things black women are not allowed to admit even if it is staring them in the face. Black women are desperate to see black men as part of the solution not the major part of the problem that they actually now represent to black women and the general black situation.
It's like one of those equations that you struggle with and it never balances, you go to bed with it and think and think how you can get it to balance. You say 'Should I put A on the left hand side or on the right?' .... it never balances until you do the right thing and in this case until you put black men in the side of 'the problem'. Then everything falls into place.
'Black men are a fallen pillar which will never uphold a race', looking to them to do this is just an effort in futitlity. Recognize this is and save yourself the time and energy of crying over them and wishing they would just plug in to the black effort etc etc.
Accept that, IT IS THE WAY IT IS, which would then beg the question, 'what are you going to do about it on a practical term now with this situation, to get yourself what you need now they as men are out of the equation?'
One of those things black women are not allowed to admit is that, we are not dealing with the same breed of black men that was our fathers generation.
We are dealing with men who have different uses of women than their fathers. What you think they still need you the black woman, for, well guess what, it is not what they do, just look around you if in doubt.
They are not working or willing to work with black women towards the plans that their fathers had as goals and dreams for their community. And before we start on the ‘what have black women done to bring this about’ detour (which is always the knee jerk response that occurs whenever such issues are raised), let us take needed time to dwell on this analysis part because it is never done and is crucial in understanding what happened and what next for black women.
We have a different breed of black men that have their own priorities, interests, politics and plans and uses for women, again a different set of priorities, concerns and interests and uses of women than that of past generations.
It is not that black women cannot see but it is often that they are not allowed to admit this to themselves because that is like saying 'THE END'. And of course the black community has no 'terminal point' for black women to throw up their hands and says ‘well there is nothing left to this idea of black men and women together.’ You see black women are expected (and know they are), to stay down in the trenches fighting a lost war (that tells you something about the value on black women's lives doesnt it). Black women are not allowed to admit that 'it is over' even if it is glaringly obvious.
This boils down to permission again, the fact that black women look for permission to name what they see, and admit their fears for what they are, so they can move forward (See, admit, and move on or remain trapped in nervousness and apprehension if you resist the truth!), and because the black community wants them to 'Stay the course', permission will be denied. Indeed didnt you know, that its all about staying the course, all this aggitation when black women think about doing things differently, its because black women have to stay the course, thats all. It has never been about finding a solution to the issues affecting black women, its simply about getting the black woman to stay the course even that which will send them over the clift. I mean notice the exchange when black women say things are hurting or not working for them, there is either blame or a countering of their assertions or folk tell them that they are imagining things and etc etc. Is it not clear that this responses is geared towards getting black women to stay the course no matter how unprofitable. And some of you thought these folks engaging you really cared about your situation lol!
Someone said to me the current crop of black men are created not born, and I agree with that assertion. Many black women are afraid of admitting the truth about black men because they think that would be saying that black men are inherently bad and selfish etc etc but again this has never been the case. Admitting that a generation of men are on a different path to black women has never meant saying they are innately bad, just accepting that paths have divereged, but we have been warned this is what it means by those who 'suprise suprise', want to head off any dawning reality of what black men are really about.
When you look at the actions and acivities of the current crop of black men, it makes sense within the framework of self-centredness and personal aggrandizenment. It is only when you look at their activities throught the prism of 'but they are suppose to be all about the community', thats when you see their actions as selfish....
CONTINUED
Characteristics of current stock of black men
It has always been about having the 'spirit' and 'ineterst' and 'committment' to race. Many black women dont understand this key point and go on about, 'Well if black women would do X Y Z then black men would respond favourably!' But you see, the terms and conditions of 'black uplift' were never about it being pleasurable and immediately beneficial to participate! It was always about sacrifice and the willingness to sacrifice and forgo certain options and choices in other words A LABOUR OF LOVE. At the point where it became about making it worth while for black men to be for their communtities, families etc, at that point, all is already lost, because building the race was always going to be a hard, thankless job, that required the spirit of sacrifice and committmnet, not immediate tallying of what stands to my immediate and self-above community gain. This is how it becomes clear that the 'spirit' for community uplift among black men is lost.
A social set up which black men reacted to and where enabled to react to in a very self serving way, has resulted in the self-absorbed black man of today and there is no rewind button, so black women shouldn’t internalise any blame (as they usually do in these cases) and try to get involved in some salvaging operation.
Yes the black man’s politics has become very self serving. Everything about race/racism and the whole ’how black people can overcome’ talk etc is co-opted by them into their own personal aggrandizement plans. He expects to feed from the community and take refuge in it, as a right, and yet is not requested to invest something back into it, in fact is so totally oblivious about how it sustains itself.
Black men’s definition of race uplift is, ‘If I am doing well then that represents the race doing well’, ‘hence my personal aggrandiszement should be pursued with all zeal'. However black women don’t count their individual progress as synonymous with race progress in fact black women feel guilty and are made to feel guilty and to look into ‘giving back’ each time they make marginal progress, even when they do not have the surplus to do so.
Culled from a free booklet, 'Why Are Black Men this way?' available for free download in May 2010
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
It's like one of those equations that you struggle with and it never balances, you go to bed with it and think and think how you can get it to balance. You say 'Should I put A on the left hand side or on the right?' .... it never balances until you do the right thing and in this case until you put black men in the side of 'the problem'. Then everything falls into place.
'The current stock of black men are not interested in the uplift of the black family, once you recognize this fact, every other thing explains itself.'
'Black men are a fallen pillar which will never uphold a race', looking to them to do this is just an effort in futitlity. Recognize this is and save yourself the time and energy of crying over them and wishing they would just plug in to the black effort etc etc.
Accept that, IT IS THE WAY IT IS, which would then beg the question, 'what are you going to do about it on a practical term now with this situation, to get yourself what you need now they as men are out of the equation?'
One of those things black women are not allowed to admit is that, we are not dealing with the same breed of black men that was our fathers generation.
We are dealing with men who have different uses of women than their fathers. What you think they still need you the black woman, for, well guess what, it is not what they do, just look around you if in doubt.
They are not working or willing to work with black women towards the plans that their fathers had as goals and dreams for their community. And before we start on the ‘what have black women done to bring this about’ detour (which is always the knee jerk response that occurs whenever such issues are raised), let us take needed time to dwell on this analysis part because it is never done and is crucial in understanding what happened and what next for black women.
We have a different breed of black men that have their own priorities, interests, politics and plans and uses for women, again a different set of priorities, concerns and interests and uses of women than that of past generations.
Most black men are not emotionally invested into worrying about the state of the former AA family. Most of them just don't care about it; and they like the status quo (having an unmarried, desperate, "surplus" population of black women to be used for The Booty Call Corps).- Khadija
It is not that black women cannot see but it is often that they are not allowed to admit this to themselves because that is like saying 'THE END'. And of course the black community has no 'terminal point' for black women to throw up their hands and says ‘well there is nothing left to this idea of black men and women together.’ You see black women are expected (and know they are), to stay down in the trenches fighting a lost war (that tells you something about the value on black women's lives doesnt it). Black women are not allowed to admit that 'it is over' even if it is glaringly obvious.
This boils down to permission again, the fact that black women look for permission to name what they see, and admit their fears for what they are, so they can move forward (See, admit, and move on or remain trapped in nervousness and apprehension if you resist the truth!), and because the black community wants them to 'Stay the course', permission will be denied. Indeed didnt you know, that its all about staying the course, all this aggitation when black women think about doing things differently, its because black women have to stay the course, thats all. It has never been about finding a solution to the issues affecting black women, its simply about getting the black woman to stay the course even that which will send them over the clift. I mean notice the exchange when black women say things are hurting or not working for them, there is either blame or a countering of their assertions or folk tell them that they are imagining things and etc etc. Is it not clear that this responses is geared towards getting black women to stay the course no matter how unprofitable. And some of you thought these folks engaging you really cared about your situation lol!
Someone said to me the current crop of black men are created not born, and I agree with that assertion. Many black women are afraid of admitting the truth about black men because they think that would be saying that black men are inherently bad and selfish etc etc but again this has never been the case. Admitting that a generation of men are on a different path to black women has never meant saying they are innately bad, just accepting that paths have divereged, but we have been warned this is what it means by those who 'suprise suprise', want to head off any dawning reality of what black men are really about.
When you look at the actions and acivities of the current crop of black men, it makes sense within the framework of self-centredness and personal aggrandizenment. It is only when you look at their activities throught the prism of 'but they are suppose to be all about the community', thats when you see their actions as selfish....
CONTINUED
“If black men where really all about black unity, they wouldn’t have the highest interracial rates in Europe”.
Characteristics of current stock of black men
- Black men have been free agents detached from community concerns
- Black men are about their immediate gratification to much to put up with the regimes of discipline required to push race ahead.
- The focal point of black men isn’t community but personal aggrandizement and there is strong opportunism which comes at the expense of a general black interest so much so a general black interest plan is no longer viable.
- Whether black men do even register their actions on a conscious level, does indeed say something final about their participation in 'continuing’ a black community. “It seems to me that black men have become so used to being given the whole and full floor that they actually have lost the ability to reflect and see how selfish and self serving they have become.”-cw
- Black men act as free agents in the presence of opportunity, they are not used to putting any moral or ethical barriers in the way of personal aggrandizement even that which comes at the expense of the general body of black people.
- BWE/IR writers speak about how black men deliberately leverage wider racism and racist practice in their personal pursuit of status, and self-aggrandizement. Yes black men might not have generated the original oppressive forces against the black community, but have become effective ‘Agents’ of white racism against black women and their communities. Though this key point is down played and skirted in general black commentary for obvious reasons, BWE/IR writers are adamant that this calls for a reassessment of the idea of brotherhood with black men.
It has always been about having the 'spirit' and 'ineterst' and 'committment' to race. Many black women dont understand this key point and go on about, 'Well if black women would do X Y Z then black men would respond favourably!' But you see, the terms and conditions of 'black uplift' were never about it being pleasurable and immediately beneficial to participate! It was always about sacrifice and the willingness to sacrifice and forgo certain options and choices in other words A LABOUR OF LOVE. At the point where it became about making it worth while for black men to be for their communtities, families etc, at that point, all is already lost, because building the race was always going to be a hard, thankless job, that required the spirit of sacrifice and committmnet, not immediate tallying of what stands to my immediate and self-above community gain. This is how it becomes clear that the 'spirit' for community uplift among black men is lost.
A social set up which black men reacted to and where enabled to react to in a very self serving way, has resulted in the self-absorbed black man of today and there is no rewind button, so black women shouldn’t internalise any blame (as they usually do in these cases) and try to get involved in some salvaging operation.
Yes the black man’s politics has become very self serving. Everything about race/racism and the whole ’how black people can overcome’ talk etc is co-opted by them into their own personal aggrandizement plans. He expects to feed from the community and take refuge in it, as a right, and yet is not requested to invest something back into it, in fact is so totally oblivious about how it sustains itself.
Black men’s definition of race uplift is, ‘If I am doing well then that represents the race doing well’, ‘hence my personal aggrandiszement should be pursued with all zeal'. However black women don’t count their individual progress as synonymous with race progress in fact black women feel guilty and are made to feel guilty and to look into ‘giving back’ each time they make marginal progress, even when they do not have the surplus to do so.
Culled from a free booklet, 'Why Are Black Men this way?' available for free download in May 2010
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
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