Have the right attitude to advice and advice givers

Many of us do not know how to receive advice.

We maintain an adversarial posture towards advice and the advice givers in our lives, giving finally a half-hearted, begrudging acceptance of the knowledge offered. Often we proceed to not pick at the advice to find holes instead of seeing the information as a nugget to spark our imagination and being creative in applying the information. Ultimately because we 'resent' the giver, we never use the advice to our benefit and to take our lives to the next level. I believe this is karmic; treat the adviser with contempt and disdain, and you wont benefit from what they offer. There is a 'transfer' that happens from the knowledgeable to the seeker of knowledge and it just does not happen without the right attitude.

I believe this wrong attitude is in part a result of black people being under the tutelage of the left, which has done a fair bit to 'disabled' appropriate attitudes and responses towards social betters in fact we are not supposed to acknowledge that there is anything like social, economic and physical superiority between people, 'because we are all suppose to be on the same level you see, no social hierarchy'. A kind of resentment of those who have implemented successful life strategies seems to be a constant reaction among black folk.

The sad thing is that this mindset is actually damaging to the person harbouring this attitude, because it holds them back and prevents them from becoming, in time, as good as or even better than the person from whom they took advice.

The The fostered idea of, 'don’t show deference to anyone' seems to control some people that they have a hard time even acknowledging the soundness of the advice or offering a thank you.

Have you ever reacted in the following ways to someone offering you advice:

1) 'If I listen to her, it means she's better than me'

2) 'I can see she is making sense, but I want her to know that its not like she is some 'expert,' after all, look at the holes A, B, C in what she is saying'

3) 'She is right but I don’t want her to feel she is like some 'big deal' or something, so I will screw up my face/act like I am not fully embracing the idea'.

You are not diminished in anyway by saying 'thank you' and 'please' rather your humanity is fostered. Being grateful and appreciative, points to an ability to recognise good fortune. If a person cannot see and appreciate good fortune...well they might as well be animals. Seeking, and when finding, appreciating good fortune is what life is all about!

I must add here that, '...after all our parents built this country, this is only me claiming what I am due...' is not the 'right' attitude towards help from a white person.

I want to share a personal experience on how a change in attitude helped me get the best out of a situation. I have a gym instructor who is younger and a lot fitter and thinner. I had a 'block' to many of the workout routines she suggested maybe because they seemed ridiculous or pulled from the air sometimes. One day I looked at her and thought to myself, 'Now Halima, as far as exercise is concerned, she is your guru. You must bow your heart and mind towards her suggestions'.

That day, when I made that decision the workout was one of my best, and I soon begun to see the 'results' of my change of mind to one of more acceptance and deference to her knowledge.

Guru
From Wikipedia
As a noun the word means the imparter of knowledge (jñāna; Also Persian: Dāna). As an adjective, it means 'heavy,' or 'weighty,' in the sense of "heavy with knowledge,"^[2] heavy with spiritual wisdom,^[3] "heavy with spiritual weight,"^[4] "heavy with the good qualities of scriptures and realization,"^[5] or "heavy with a wealth of knowledge."^[6] The word has its roots in the Sanskrit gri (to invoke, or to praise), and may have a connection to the word gur, meaning 'to raise, lift up, or to make an effort'.^[7]

I am not asking anyone to hang flower garlands round the picture frame of any person who has blessed you with advice, but be appreciative, deferential. Be a worthy receiver. Don’t be among those who don’t know how to receive advise with openness, appreciation and with humility, and with enough self-assurance to know that they are not diminished in anyway by being on the receiving end of another's wisdom.

RIP Donna Summer
Out of all the divas she was my best...still in shock

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Halima

Our young black girls are living in toxic environments

A couple of weeks ago I received an email letter from a young black school girl and the email highlighted for me again the real rough situation that exists for our young black girls who are schooling and living around black boys, how these black girls are having their self-esteem eroded just by being around black boys and their antics.

We have spoken about this situation from time to time, and indeed whenever I am around school girls and boys I can sense and see this situation playing out among them.

This young lady said that she felt diminished against her white school mates and that even though a black boy had shown her attention and they were 'dating', she couldn’t get rid of the insecurity she felt, that she wasn’t pretty enough (compared to the white and other girls he used to date), and that he was poised to 'leave her for a white girl' at any moment. Essentially she was asking herself, 'why is he with me.'

I felt very sad at this. There used to be a time when black women didn’t feel intimidated by white or other women no matter what. What has become of our rock solid self-belief that we are the finest thing on Gods earth. So while our attention has been elsewhere, self-esteem has been leaching away from our young ladies to this dreadful point where they don’t feel confident in the among the gathering of women.

I told her that I knew why she was feeling insecure and it was because of the antics of the black boys around chasing every other type of girls but black and with white and other guys essentially sticking to their race (as is the norm at that age apart from black boys and the white girls they chase), that this situation was eroding her confidence. She agreed with my assertions.

She also mentioned that black girls in her class sat around and hankered after the black boys saying that black boys are their preference. Imagine that, a preference strong and unyielding at 13!

I told her that this was an artificial preference created in their minds and maintained by their actions.

'It is important to get away from black girls who are fixating on black boys. By fantasizing about black boys only, your black girl friends are actually creating this 'artificial preference' for black boys without realizing it, because they can just as easily find other boys (Indian, Chinese, white etc) attractive if they let themselves, just as you now know you can.'

I further explain:

'Your friends are responding to black community pressures to only validate and affirm the masculinity of black boys and never look beyond them, without even knowing it! And they are unconsciously fixing a ball and chain around their ankles which will hurt them in the long run. If black boys were equally fantasizing about black girls then it would make sense for black girls to be doing it too, but since black boys are not, then this 'hold over' activity from a time when it might have made sense to 'big up' our black men, will harm no one but the black women who practice it. It is like an evolutionary feature on an organism that might have served it under a past evolutionary situation but becomes detrimental in the current one! Do you know how many organisms died out because their habits were not supported in a newer and updated environment.'

I talked about a few ways for her to reconstruct her esteem, including getting out of the environment where black men are in hot pursuit of ww and black girls sit around and hanker after them (because no matter what black girls protest, being around such activities is coroding their self-esteem). Getting away from her social circles and forging other pass times and identities would take her away from the toxic situation.

I am serious in saying to the young black girl out there, if you do not detach and remove yourself from these toxic situations you will be left with a ruined self-esteem and a negative complex about yourself and your looks which you may never get over. No 21st century woman should ever abide by situations that ends up making her feel bad about herself. No matter what she has to do to secure her sanity, she must do it!

 

My advice to young black girls facing this issue:

• 'Unteam' yourself from black boys, mentally and psychologically even if the rest of society wants to group you together. We know society sees black men and women as part of one unit but you must never agree with this. The model of 'black men and black women' has failed and has resulted in great pain for black women who because of this belief continue to keep themselves in a dynamic of doing all the work in this 'imagined' partnership while black men take the free ride. Never in anyway trust that such a partnership or agreement exists between the two genders. To save yourself great distress assume from the off that you and black men have no affinity and alignment, brotherhood, cooperation and pact to be with one another

• Get away from even black girls who are the carriers and maintainers of such ideas as 'black boys are our preference' or 'black boys are the only boys we can/should date'. If they do not and refuse to have an open mind and receptiveness to ALL that the world has to offer, cut them off from your life

• Stop worshipping what black men worship including the light skin singers and entertainers and all women we know black men have selected to uplift because of their nearness to white or their white color. Do not feed this widespread habit of elevating non black women, by buying their music and products no matter how 'banging' their music is or wonderful their products are. The good thing about the 21st century is that you can find equally good products just a click/shop away. Develop other musical tastes if necessary.

• Beauty is not about the lightness of skin (this young lady who sent me an email framed one of her comments in such a way that suggests that in her mind, lightness is synonymous with beauty, and I do believe for a significant portion of young black girls the two things things have now merged in their minds and they fully subscribe to the pretty = light belief)

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon