Mid November: Some more thoughts

I had spare moments within all the mayhem that is now my life last week and so I listened to some videos with RR Banks talking about his book, 'Is marriage for white people'. If you have a chance do listen to the four videos that are in this series (there is introductory part before this segment below )

What I gathered from the video about black women

• A section of bw are having a hard time dealing with the truth
• A good portion of black women in academia are painfully out of touch with the reality of black women on the ground, many are still touting the idea that a black male partner allows a black woman to be free and be herself and a black man is supportive of what a black woman goes through in society. Ha! It is very sad that RR Banks is having to clue black women about the real deal that they have missed-being stuck in their ivory towers and all-including the fact that black men are more likely to enforce oppressive codes of blackness (around hair and skin tone) on black women than white men.
• Some black women would rather suggest that black women contort themselves in demeaning ways and take on all sorts of unwholesome ideologies like polygamy just so they can continue with the dating within the race paradigm
• Black females in academia (espcially the variety that are in womens studies), are more interested in upholding the sacred analysis and readings of the situation (imposed by white feminsist theorists no doubt). They cling to their endorsed frameworks rather than look at devising new frameworks that serve the needs of black women. In addition a good many are just all about showing how sophisticated and clever they are when desperate issues are on the table 
• The idea that black women are simply a support system for black men/the race is so strong within the imagination of black people that many cannot break out of this 'framing' to imagine black women as people in their own right not race props, but people with their own needs and desires that they need to take care off. Many in fact get so outraged at any suggestion that black women not 'perform' their 'support' role for BC and black men. It appears that to refuse to be a race prop amounts to bw denying others their righful access and entitlement to black women's time money indeed their very self! Whoever said slavery has ended might need to recheck that fact, at least in the case of bw. This is what I meant when I said that black women exist as 'creatures of the black community' forced to trace their very existence within its confines, that they become 'invalids' if they try to detach from this role. It is very sad that even a book as liberatory as 'Is marriage for white people', we still end up talking about how black women serve their race by their actions or non actions (and none of the 'academic' people even raised the issue of how problematic this general tendency to always talk about bw's options in terms of how this adds or takes away from her race!).  

Minority men using mnority women to win their battels and then 'Its the rubbish heap for you my dear!'
Today I was reminded again of how minority men moaning about 'le white men', are quick to exclude 'their' women as soon as a little space is granted them. Often they drag their women folk in and use them as battering rams or shields against white men, and as soon as they have used these women's bodies and stories to get a foot in the door, they toss these women away and become all 'diverse' and all liberated in their romantic choices! If minority women are too silly to see this 'game' being played again and again to let these men fight their own battles, then more fool them..................
 
Come together over racism
Many black women however want to connect with black men over the issue of racism, over 'what white men have and are doing.' I think the reason is because black women have seen that it appears to be the only thing that gets a response/interest from black men i.e. talking about how white men are holding them down etc etc. This situtation right here means black women will continue to want to ruminate about racism and race and get upset and mobilised over and carrying on about race because it represents the only way they can elicit some reaction (bond) with black men. This is one reason why black women will find it hard to put away their festering resentment against white men in particular, I think on some level they know it is probably the only thing that they can connect with black men over.

Speaking of black men and racism, I caught a glimpse of a young black man loudly talking about, 'The man' and 'They dont want us to progress etc etc', to another black man stall owner at a fruit market the other day. I dont know what made me smile more; the big, bold talk about whites and their racism or the white woman by his side with their mixed race baby in the buggy!

Imran Khan (google him)

 
The ability of men to combine almost extreme nationalistic politics and yet a love of women or a woman not of their 'nation', is a hypocritical attribute that most women dont seem to have, indeed nothing says it is a man's world more than the fact that men dont feel a need to explain or defend themselves when their politics is diametrically opposed to their romantic attractions. I watch my African male get all tribal and almost forment trouble with another tribe, all the while with a woman from this very same tribe at their side. I asked a freind the other day how his wife feels when he goes on about breaking away and forming their own 'nation' when his wife is from the tribe he wants to 'depart' from. His response was, 'She has come to see it my way!' Arrogant to boot.
 
Women will give up a good man because he doesnt 'rhymn' with what their politics says.  I suggest that black women seriously prospect this curious attribute that men have. Dont say 'he wont date black women' because he is conservative/rightwing etc. Apart from the fact that labels no longer describe accurately how people stand on a variety of issues and their values (the left for instance has taken to labelling people who challenge the model of 'big government' and endless government programs as rightwing even neocons when they could simply be challeneging a canard of the left which has failed to deliver in many areas), right and left leaning couples can have a blast of a relationship, the trick is to be convinced of your position and why you hold it (a strong conviction), and not take your partner differing on an issue, personally and as a slight against you!   

Anyway a vacation calls, my next entry will be in December ciao!
 

Wondering about Interracial dating?

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Time to detach black women who are stuck

Many of your black female peers and even those you look up to as bw going somewhere or doing something with their lives are stuck.

They will not be able to get over this particular hurdle of opening up to a broader pool of men. Many are caught between the new and old worlds, having been instilled with the idea of being with a man from the black race only, and now understanding on an intellectual level that that policy has failed them, but still being unable to detangle themselves from the strong and long term emotional attachments and the values built up over the years around this failed protocol. One woman said to me a while back, that 'if we date out then we dont believe in ourselves'. Someone tied her to perpetual bondage to black men by convincing her that any such decision to date others would be made out of a rejecting black people. They locked her in to this fear of doing it from such a detestable reason when she could date out for a wide variety of reasons.

Folks have attached all sorts of readings to black women doing specific things and these interpretations controls black women. One of the strongest controlling ideas for black women is the notion that they are not self loving, once you attach the hint of lack of black self love to any enterprize, you can easily manipulate the bulk of black women out of it.

So you can get black women to restrict themselves to socailizing with only other black folks by telling them if they feel even a slight desire to mingle with others, its because they hate their people or are being brainwahsed to 'fear' their own, and so they hang around even with obviously toxic black folk, forgoing the world of opportunity out there to attend only HBCU etc etc. Just by raising the accusation that they are making choices out of a deep seated, ‘lack of black self love’ you can get them to turn away from any beneficial course of action.

Some of you should say, ‘so be it, I still want to have this experience regardless.’ You will be surprised to find that 1) You will not be struck by lightening 2) You will discover and clarify the real reason why you made the choices.

It is amazing that black women are the ones almost obsessed about proving loyalty to race at every turn, even when they are doing more than anyone else for this loyalty! Indeed one would wonder why bm don’t feel at similar pains to ‘prove’ how faithful they are to their race given what they get up to on the romantic front!

Some bw are looking for others to walk them through life. Life is to be lived for yourself, you have to go through it, therefore stop looking for hand railings and constant hand holding.

This is an individual battle now for each black woman, especially the younger ones, I cant emphasis this enough. Recognize that they your older sisters are stuck and you must get away from them to preserve your life and move forward. They may look good and together but in this specific issue of black women getting the relationships they want, you will see that they will be unable to either face the facts, or courageously -given all the evidence -chart a different course to the one they are on and advice others to do so too. They are often stuck in the wrong priorities eg locked into ‘defending the race’, mode instead of grappling with the real and pressing need for bw to update their game plan to move forward.

Don’t look round you to gauge what others are doing or measure your tracks against sister A or B. This is one of those things that you are going to have to go into your room and secretly plot your way forward. Think about what you want out of life, think clearly about the routes that will get you there and just pursue these with flint focus.

Many bw also live within ideological enclaves. They are in a place where the only broadcasts and wisdom and thinking that accesses them is unchallenged black thought. From morning till night they are being recharged and topped up in only these unscrutinized ideas.

Bound within the flow of only black perspectives

Black women who stand bang in the middle of black though systems will never get the healthy critical separation they need to be able to scrutinize dominant black perspectives, especially if they are also held bound by manufactured notions like ‘a black woman should agree with whatever the black position is on any issue (the position as articulated in black commentary).'

Most black women actually fully ’trust’ the declared black position on things instead of regarding it as possibly being wrong and counterproductive which would introduce some healthy suspicion!

Think about it like this:

If a young child is told by its parent to touch a hot surface, chances are high that that child will do just that. Why? Well one reason is the ‘trust’ that that child places in the parent. They think the parent will and is always looking out for their good and would never lead them wrong!

With a greater understanding of the world, a child will realize the dangers of hot objects which will raise a dissonance with the idea that the parent never wants to hurt them in anything they ask of them, such a dissonance would be a life saver.

Also with greater contact with the outside world, the child can and begins to have a healthy intellectual and questioning distance from everything the parent says (from having access to other view points). The emergence of a strong personal identity (i.e. I am a ‘separate being’ from you and I have clearly defined interests many of which are different from yours), puts them in the right frame of mind for defending this seperate being (them) and any interests.

However the majority of black women fully embrace and trust the black consensus view and what is worse, are tied in to an even tighter embrace by this manufactured belief that a good black woman always backs up other blacks (backing up other blacks being defined as approving of any and every black persons actions when they are asked to account).

Wrapped up in all of this however is the underlying question, will bw be fair to themselves? It is shocking isn’t it, that when you look at it, the bw near you still making excuses as to why bw should continue to pin their hopes to bm or focus energy in ‘policy’ issues to help bm rise up, is essentially being unkind to herself! She cannot find it in herself to be kind hearted enough to loosen herself and fellow bw from something she clearly sees is failing them. She would rather defend it at the expense of her life and well-being and that of other black woman. Ultimately black women are nothing but a means to an end.

If as a younger black woman you feel it is time to be ‘fair’ to you, then take yourself away from the ‘commune’ of women who clearly feel that bw should happily stay put and take all their knocks, who are desperate to live under the black unity umbrella more than  they would want to save their lives!
Wondering about Interracial dating?


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Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

November 1st - Some thoughts for the week

The Foggles

Self-mapping
In this day and age when youth is worshipped, what benefits are there to having a few more years on the clock?

I will tell you two, and the first is that by being older you would have developed an understanding of yourself and how your mental and physical and indeed emotional systems work to be able to have the necessary control you need to take life forward.

The next benefit is that you would have hopefully developed your own self-composing and self-assuring and indeed self-soothing and calming routines. In other words you have your emotions and reactions in check and tucked in!

I will illustrate by saying that you will understand better how you learn, how best to study (coffee at 45 mins interval), how a hat tilted to the left is more flattering, how a white house interior is draining of your creative energies, how not reading anything the day before your exam is better for your performance, that you are likely to come down with a cold if your feet get cold etc etc. All these understanding of how you perform, your emotional interior comes with time and trial and error over the years. This is your edge.

How detailed is your self-map?

Black men and women cannot be 'saved' together. This is because black women putting any effort into uplifting black men is simply making black men better able to crush down black women. Its like feeding your tormentor!

Too proud to ask for directions
I have noticed that there is a push back to 'Is marriage for white people', coming from a faction of black women who feel that no one should be focussing on us or and intsructing black women on what to do re relationships, and that we should be left alone. I can agree that yes it does get tiresome to be in focus (although I dont think that bw have been focussed on more in this regard considering that we had 'Sex and the City', on for over ten years, focussing on the issues of unmarried white women, and also by virtue of the fact that our own situation is extreme there is naturally going to be some focus attention!), however this position suggests that black women have it all together, but that is far from the truth.

Black women are not getting it right, if they were then the astronomical number of singleness would not be there for all to see. I am uncomfortable with the 'dont focus on us' position because it traps black women in their problem, it is saying to black women 'just keep doing what you are doing'. Yet black women are NOT doing well so yes they do need some instructions and things pointed out.

Because black women havent made the grade and they live in a strongly mind guarded place, thousands of us wouldnt mind some advice, guidance, direction or plain laying things out in the open for us to see and make a clear choice for our futures.

I will also add that, there is a time for wearing sack cloth, we might as well get it over with so we can move on?

Wondering about Interracial dating?



I have written an E-book that gives a comprehensive insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her Interracial Dating Option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com