Subverting the 'ought to' Codes!

Let me say this to people. Success is not all that hard. The ability to progress and move forward is in the human DNA. Sometimes the way black folks talk about black problems you'd think that we all need to go get a PHD to enable us work out our situation. Yet, it is for the simple fact that we have lost sight of the very basic principles that even most unsophisticated societies know and act on that black folks find themselves as a collective in dire situations. I often see black folks as running about looking for 'high level' solutions, when they should simply go back to the basics and so much would fall into place.

Now I was happy to hear a comment by one of the readers on another IR blog that the 'climate' seems to be changing for black women. She cited her experince of flirting with an Asian and white guy soon after Obama was declared the election winner (and his black wife michelle and two lovely daughters took world focus). She said that it appears men are looking at black women with a new gaze, as if seeing them with fresh eyes. I am so happy for this and say this is one thing I have been looking forward to; a situation of 'harvest' for black women, not just one or two hard fought wins, but a kind of general fertile atmosphere within which black women can reap and reap with little effort.

I want to warn you that there are some people who will want you to keep focussing only on black men for relationships and engaging in those age old conversations and back and forths about black men dating other races that takes a whole lot of black womens energy and critical time. Indeed I heard that a talk show host (a black man) is doing some sort of phone in show on the topic. When black men see that black womens's attention might be going elsewhere, they try to pull them back into the same ol talk and preoccupation. Trust me the idea that a growing number of black women are not obsessing over them and their ativities would send some black men into cardiac arrest. I have unearthed the fact that one of the decided (unwritten) criteria for true black womanhood within the black group, is that black women have to be focused on black men; their activities, their choices, their every move etc etc etc. I will be writing about this topic in the near future.

Sisters, particularly those who are my usual audience, dont waste your time on old and gone things. This is how folks prevent you from looking up and seeing new opportunities. When you are involved in the tooing and froing over black males dating choice, guess what? available and willing men just keep passing by. Now if you want to enagage in such debates then make sure it is to drop the seed of wisdom for other black women who are bound in the loop of hashing and rehasing and obsessing over black men. Put enough info out there for them to know they have other choices, something which the 'black community establishment' would rather they not know and avail themselves of.

Positioning for success

1) Get rid of the urge to 'conform' to what a black woman ought to be
Many of us, without even being aware are acting under black instructions of what I call the 'ought to codes'; how black women ought to talk, see things, feel about things, analysis issues, respond to issues etc etc. I remember being in a women's meeting a while back where a black woman expressed her point of view and suddenly there were all these cries of objection from black women, with one woman jumping up from her seat, and with a stern lecturing voice and even sterner face, tell her how she 'ought not to have 'thought that way' (as a black woman)'. You see as black women, we 'ought not' certain things. We ought not to think certain ways, we ought not to say certain things, we ought not to reach certain conclussions, ought not to take a certain line of action' etc etc etc. This is one key reason why a lot of 'black women's meetings' are unproductive and we black women, havent found a way out of the pit we are in as a group, even though thousands meet regularly all round the country. It is because when we come together we are still operating under notions of what we 'ought to' or 'ought not to' be doing, saying even feeling as black women, so our brain is not free to revolve 360 degrees in search of solutions. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can achieve in such a restricted frame of mind!

Black women are constantly in a straitjacket in terms of what they ought to and ought not do and it has become so instinctive in many that when they hear something spoken outside these accepted terms, they will immediately jump up to push the errant female back in line even if this woman was simply speaking from her pure observations of issues and what her senses were telling her about a situation, yet this is totally unacceptable if it clashes with what she 'ought to be saying'.

Let me tell you black women if you dont know this, there is a reason why the creator gave us five senses. It's that we can respond to what they are telling us about the environment and plot a favourable cause of action! If you dont respond to hot and cold appropraitely by putting on more or less clothing for instance, you could die. If you refuse to heed the blaring horns of a truck, you will get run over! You cannot afford to make a practice of discounting your sense-fed internal intelligence.

If you engage in switching off your senses so as to be more in line with what you 'ought to' be feeling, saying or doing, then you are already in trouble because it will be hard to unlearn this activity and your life will be all about fufilling the 'ought to' requirements rather than what your senses say is needed in the situation. At the extreme end of this, you will reprogram your sense till you are unaware of how you really feel and see things. No wonder we cant get many black women to plot a straight course from 'their needs' to 'the solution'. With all the manipulation going on with black women in their community, with people doing all they can to separate black women from their real needs(even the most basic and practical ones like self preservation), many black women are going to have to be re-taught how to reconnect with their needs as communicated by their senses.

Try this excercise, whenever you feel the 'ought to' response arise within you due to any situation, stop and think about the 'intelligence from your senses'. Think, 'But what do my eyes see?,' or 'What is the conclussion from what my eyes and ears are telling me?' Get to know your real 'sense feelings and responses', even if you choose to overide these.


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