In my last entry I wrote that 'women are supposed to be treated more delicately than men'. For me that sentence underscored all I was trying to say in that post, that you dont lay the same burden on the back of women as you lay on men. Now some folks had a huge problem with this idea! It just didnt sit right with them, to them, 'Black women ought to take half, I mean its only logical and fair'!
But isnt it amazing, that even white women, who have -because of the nature of their communities and how gender and race work in society- greater agency and have taken greater strides towards equality etc will never argue to share blame for social ills with men. Lol that will be a cold day in hell!
There is an African proverb I have come across which says that when you treat a child the way you treat his peers, he is happy. I think black women need to hold tight to the sentiment of being treated similar to anyone else because there is a lot of deliberate attempts at 'confusing the compass' of black women, that one neat way black women can orient themselves is to look at what pertains to other women and recognize when folks are trying to sell them a bad deal. See black women are supposed to be out there 'blazing trails' in terms of reaching feminist milestones, however we have regonized that what black women end up having are actually the counterfeits of the real deal. What white feminists see as black women being independent is actually black women being left to shoulder all the burden, what they see as black women finally reaching that grand achievement of not 'needing a man' is actually black women being targetted for social rejection.
So for now, I think black women should aim for what other women are having and getting and maybe sometime in the future when the conditions are safe, black women can live out of step with the rest of society/womanhood.
What I have noticed is that because black women are so used to bearing all the burden, carrying all the responsbility and taking all the blame, at this point, many are so happy to take 50% of it for a change lol! Black women are saying, 'I am so happy to go halves on the blame here!'
I dont care what they do and how they act, white women never volunteer for half the blame, men are always still to blame for the bulk of social problems or had more to do with the way the situation turned out etc etc. Half the gain? yes they'll take that, but half the blame? no, never! Thank God for them because if it was left for black women to set the standards, I can see all sorts of bad deals for women in terms of child support, rape laws etc etc.
The 'negotiators' have really done their work on black women!
A lot of black women continue to be trapped by their need to be the better person, to play fair and carry an equal load. Many are convinced that spliting things straight down the middle is the way to do it, they dont take into consideration other factors for instance the 'agency' of the parties involved in a racist and sexist, society that would make a 30/70 split actually more equitable.
Often unbalanced contracts are sold to black women under the guise of 'its fair' (and many folks know and capitalize on black women's need to play according to the rules and employ moral rectitude as a guding principle).
Do black women realize that splitting things down the middle isnt always the way to guarantee a fair and balanced deal especially when other things are at play?
Re cooperating with a system set againt you
I was talking with someone the other day who made it a point to tell me that black women ought to be able to act as they want to, and feel as free to be whoever they so desire in public and out of it. This person insisted that black women's 'right to be' should not be impinged on or constrained because of the unfair burden of having to be ambassadors for black people/women. They were adamant that whites hold stereotpyes against all black folk unfairly anyway. This was in response to my entry about black women cooperating with a system set against them.
My response to black women who think this way is;
1) Black women do not live in a vacuum, we live in a specific reality. It is what it is!
2) We need to create the best life possible for us within the prevailing conditions even as we either hope for, or plot for 'better conditions' for us or for those young black women coming after us.
Indeed why would anyone want to cooperate with a system that has set a low value on them and wants to ensure they are trapped in lack and less and all the low status positions in society? If society says that black women are 'neck rolling' and 'loud', how does behaving along to these stereotypes help black women especially as society will justify giving black women 'less.' Also what is the attraction in behaving uncouth and surely meeting my goals and ambitions is much more important than proving any point that society needs to let us be free to be that way? The way I see it, the idea in this case, should be to thwart societies 'ambitions' for us? Would it not be extremely satisfying to employ strategies that put societies plans for us to nought?
Ok so black women have the added responbility of evading the traps of society and even the burden of being 'ambassador for race' etc etc but I would rather bear the burden of a 'thwarter' of societies evil plans for black women, (it would give me seceret pleasure) than the burden of being a victim of the system just to prove a point.
Our freedoms are impinged upon everyday, it is nothing new. Take for instance you have a lovely rolex watch. It is your right to wear it it anywhere you want, but how many of you would insist on that 'right' to the point you feel you must wear it in an area where there have been daily muggings! Most of us would be happy to be reasonable about this scenerio but curiously want to insist on our right to behave in ways that stigmatize us in broader society.
Each day you dress up and walk out of your door, you, to a good extent, are in a new role and not your 'real' self if we can put it that way. We all adjust and perform in public, it is not limited to black people. Yes there are a few more dimensions to how black people perform their public role if not anything, to accrue the resources they need to make more of their real selves.
Again life is not fair, the actions of other black women should not be used against us even as the actions of certain types of white women are not used against the rest, however this is how the formular is applied in the case of black women. How will you deal with this reality to give yourself the breaks you need?
You can gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book
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Posted by Halima at 1:38 PM 33 comments Links to this post
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7 comments:
You are totally correct. Do not hold me responsible for all women.
ann
{I was talking with someone the other day who made it a point to tell me that black women ought to be able to act as they want to, and feel as free to be whoever they so desire in public and out of it. This person insisted that black women's 'right to be' should not be impinged on or constrained because of the unfair burden of having to be ambassadors for black people/women. They were adamant that whites hold stereotpyes against all black folk unfairly anyway. This was in response to my entry about black women cooperating with a system set against them.}
Erykah Badu anyone....
Black women cannot assume they have those priviledges to behave in an oversexual way or erotic way in a public setting it is not looked in the same way and most of them know it. The closest we had to that was Josephine Baker and she was tame compared to today and she had to do it in Europe. Now I just looked at it in a sexual way because young black girls are so sexualized and criticized for it but yet allowed to fall while young white women are seen as exploring their sexuality.
Bellydance was and still is looked at with derision because of it's sexual overtones but that may have to do with body image in some women. When it was considered foreign it was suspect but now everybody does it but the masses had to accept it first.
{I was talking with someone the other day who made it a point to tell me that black women ought to be able to act as they want to, and feel as free to be whoever they so desire in public and out of it. This person insisted that black women's 'right to be' should not be impinged on or constrained because of the unfair burden of having to be ambassadors for black people/women. They were adamant that whites hold stereotpyes against all black folk unfairly anyway. This was in response to my entry about black women cooperating with a system set against them.}
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It is this very mindset that is hindering many AA people as a group. The average White American can afford to a lesser degree to have this kind of attitude, but that is only because they're the dominant group that set the rules for the most part in the USA. However, as we've seen in the last few years they too have been experiencing negative repercussions of that arrogant mentality on the GLOBAL level due to some of the negative ways they've represented themselves.
Most ethnic groups emphasis their people representing themselves well and minimizing behaviors that would reflect negatively on the group when interacting with people from another/different group, especially those that have more influence and authority than you.
It's well understood that negative impressions last longer and are harder to improve.
Halima, great post!
I also think it's important to remember that white women don't take half the blame for the racist history of the US. Black men seem to consider them blameless when it comes to slavery, and discrimination. They see white women as a victim of the "man". So why then would Black women expect to split blame with Black men 50/50 when White women are seen as blameless for their own atrocities against Black people? White women also consider themselves blameless in this history as well, visit any feminist blog and when Black women bring up the racist actions of white women, the white women on the board blame Patriarchy!
This is a great post and I agree with everything you wrote.
You are correct the majority of ww do not share half blame for anything connected with wm and I think that is why some wm have become anonyed with some ww.
lois
A together black woman is a sight to behold! I don’t know why these people are who think basic decorum should not or does not apply to them. These people are crazy. As a young black teacher, I try to act as role model to all my students and I monitor my behavior and decorum at all times. No coarse, loud behavior in public, no spitting, no cussing. I saw a lovely young black girl outside the mall just spit and I had to bite my tongue. It was so gross and I couldn't believe no one had taught her how she would be perceived if she spat in public. As a feminist, I resent that women's social behavior is so closely scrutinized, but life is NOT fair. There are consequences for coarse behavior in public and the consequences are higher for black women. Black women often complain that we are shut out of the multicultural dating scene, but we sometimes shoot ourselves in the foot with inappropriate or stereotypical behavior. Why do so many black women walk around with a head rag in the day time? I see no other group of women doing this. I know we like to preserve our 'dos, but the head rag is not a good look for out in public if you are single or otherwise. It’s tacky and another class marker.
Some of us must clean up our grammar and speech patterns if we are to thrive outside the all-black areas. As an English teacher, I know that standard English and grammar are highly valued in middle class America. We are in America and we have no excuse not to use proper syntax when we speak. Too many black women use just awful grammar and then wonder why they get treated sorta lowly at stores and such. Class markers matter. Race counts a lot, I know this, but class matters, too, and being perceived as being middle class or higher leads to a smoother and less stressful life. One cannot change one's race but we do have some control over what class tier we are perceived to be from. I have friends with master's degrees who still talk like they are in the projects. They proclaim they are "keepin' it real" by refusing to conjugate their verbs. They sound crazy to me. They have paid all this $$$ and spent time bettering themselves and earning credentials, but they still want to ACT ignorant and uneducated to appease who? Losers? The same DBRs who mocked them growing up? It's insane!
continued...
I do not play when colleagues or store clerks call me "girlfriend" or any other Shanaynay-like phrases. I know that if white women talk like that it's cute, if I do it I'm ghetto. Sure, it gets annoying to always be told how "articulate" I am, but it reminds me that white people are still not used to educated black folks and I am not going to be penalized for their ignorance and lack of exposure to black women like me. Middle class folks do pay attention to class markers like standard-English grammar and mastering that language is part of upward mobility.
So yes, travel in a group or alone. Find a mentor if your working class folks don't get it and act a fool up on campus. Buy a grammar book and brush up, find a cute to-go hairstyle, take an etiquette class at community college if you don't know what fork to use. Do what you need to do to expand. There is no shame in trying to better yourself. Avoid people who put down education and upward mobility because they are, obviously, going nowhere.
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